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I swear... tilll lately just started up again.8(

My heroin addiction just continues to get worse and worse...it's getting to the point where I kinda want to stop but at the same time I don't plus I can't. I'm on suboxone and while it's made my life alot easier, once a week I will still buy a gram or two of heroin even tho the suboxone treatment is going fine. I just start to crave and bam next thing I know i'm back in the hood getting dope. I'm at the point where i'm doing at least a half gram a day and i'm seriously starting to consider switching to the needle (though I know that'll just make things worse in the long run). Not to mention all my hard earned money is going toward dope. I really need to save up for a new car and get my own place. But that's not happening until I quit for good. I feel like if I don't stop soon things will get alot worse before they get better...dreams of shooting dope can't be a good thing right?

I'm just tired of this shit but if a suboxone script can't get me to stop using then what will? That's where the hopelessness comes in...I don't have the money to go to rehab or get any help other then getting the suboxone script (which is expensive as fuck btw even with my insurance). Not that rehab or NA meetings would do me any good anyway because i'm just not ready to completely give it up yet and I have no idea if I ever will unless I hit rock bottom (which I don't want to happen btw!). Sobriety seems so unbearable too especially since I have work, school, and anxiety issues. I just don't see sobriety doing me any good even though neither does having an escalating heroin habit.

Its Friday evening around 7pm
Sleep:
•Quality; drank the night before before but not much(I vary rarely drink)so the quality of my sleep probably wasn't the best, but I have had the day off today to recuperate
•length umm hard to say went to bed sometime around midnight to 3 in the morning, woke up around 9. So I got anywhere from 9-6 hours of sleep last night.
Deit: ate a bowl of life cereal followed by my vitamins/supplements, and an orange for breakfast ~10am
~2 chicken salad sandwhich and kettle chips
~6:30 3 pigs in a blanket (earlier a plum) and some cookies.
Substance intake: woke up and smoked a bowl of some kill ~9am
Buprenorphine, 3mgs, IN, 9:30
1mg lorazepam IN & oral, around 10:30
Alpralozam, 2mgs oral, from 3:30- 5:00
Mood&motivation: hung over but in a good mood, until around 1 and up until about 3:30. (hence the benzos...)
going to bed now and i don't think I'll have any trouble sleeping
around 8(its 8:10 now) ambien Cr (a z-drug not sure which one it is definitely my fav especially compared to epiziclone, lunesta.) half of a 12.5mg pill so 6.25mgs IN. Feeling dandy...

I'm sitting in the waiting room at my New York dentist. I have come to know this room very well. Tuesday night I was indulging in my latest addiction, coconut and lemon cake, when I bit into something very hard. As luck would have it, a molar had disintegrated.

Unfortunately, the week before I had agreed to go through with a root canal. For the dentally naïve among you, a "root canal" is an attempt to save a tooth in which a cavity has developed despite having had a cavity filled in the same tooth previously. They remove the core of your tooth, the pulp, and then the "root canal" is excavated. At the bottom of the tooth there is 1 to 3 canals that need to be painstakingly cleared of rotten pulp. The dentist then fills the canal(s) and tooth itself with gutta percha, a tree sap product that resembles rubber cement.

For people of my generation a root canal has nightmarish connotations. I can remember my mum being knocked out for a week over one. However, today it is a lot different. It is, with a skilled dentist, more or less as troublesome as getting a filling. My dentist had wanted to wait a week before starting the process which can take up to 4 seperate visits. As I said, my molar imploded in the meantime.

After a sleepless night Tuesday I woke up bright and early and came to my dentist's office expecting to have the molar pulled. As I entered the building the over-chatty doorman gleefully told me that Wednesday is my dentist's regular day off. Since when? In any event I sheepishly thanked him and left in search of relief.

One great thing about New York City is that it is chock full of dentists and doctors. I went into a shiny bright dental clinic and of course the very ffirst question concerned my dental coverage. After finding that I am fully insured without a deductable the receptionist was a lot sweeter. After filling out the paperwork she told me, "Um, today is the dentist's day off but I can fit you in first thing tomorrow." By now I am getting peeved to say the least.

Rachamim: "Why would you not tell me that BEFORE I filled out the 50 sheets worth of paperwork?"

Receptionist: "I'm so sorry sir, I thought you understood that the dentist will not be in until tomorrow."

Rachamim: "Yeah, well my mind fucken' reading skills are a bit rusty but if you bend over I will attempt to deeply search your brain cavity."

Receptionist: "Ohhhh, I hope you feel better."

"Whatever"...slam the door...exit stage left.

Next I walked into a sleazy looking dental clinic and asked if there was actually a dentist on the premises. I felt such a sense of relief when she answered in the affirmative. With noone else in the waiting room I was ushered into a small room where a dumpy looking dental hygienist took a full set of xrays, almost making me vomit three times as she shoved the film deep into my gullet.

Next I was ushered into a treatment room. I look up and lo and behold, the only wall decoration was a poster for the 1980s film "Doc Hollywood." When I saw that I should have got up and ran, fast. Why would you spend money to buy a poster of a 30 year old movie that noone cared about? Did they REALLY think that THAT created some sort of ambiance? In their defence, perhaps it was hiding some disgusting stain.

In walks a South Asian dentist. That made me nervous. Naturally, after examing my mouth a dentist inevitably asks me what caused all that major damage. If the dentist was a Pakistani or Bengladeshi (in other words, a Muslim) telling how I was wounded while fighting Muslims in Lebanon isn't going to make him warm up to me. If he were a Hindu he just might want to invite me to dinner but unless he tells me his name there isn't any way to tell.

Without introducing himself he immediately picks up the implement they use for teeth cleaning and begins scrubbing my teeth! Trying to rationalise this I told myself he is just super meticulous and wanted a clean working area before extracting the molar. Finishing in perhaps 3 minutes, he told me in an accent that sounded exactly like "Apu" from "The Simpsons," "You need to have 2 teeth pulled and you have an infection in your gums." I nodded my head and said, "Sure." His next comment floored me:

"You will have to go to the dental surgeon, there are 2, you can pick whichever location is more convenient for you."

Rachamim: "What? You cannot pull them here?"

Apu the Dentist: "Yes, I cannot do here sir. You have an infection and I would not be able to properly numb your jaw."

Rachamim: "So now I have to take ANOTHER taxi and once again go in as a walk in?"

Apu: "Yes. I can give you something for the pain if you want."

Rachamim: "Yessssssss."

Apu: "OK" and he fucken hands me a script for 20 Ibuprofens. If I was wired any tighter personality wise I would have probably strangled him. To compound the issue, Wednesday is a day I regularly go without methadone (I do so 2 times a week to give myself a break, it is too sedating sometimes). To say the least, my jaw was throbbing.

I didn't even fill the script. Instead, I bought some Ambesol, a topical anesthetic and went back to the flat. Bright and early the next day, Thursday, I returned to my dentist's office only to have that same glib doorman tell me that my dentist was taking an unscheduled day off. Uggggggghhhhh! At least I was going to the methadone clinic where I doubled up by taking one of my take homes, for a total of 440mgs and bought myself some relief.

After midnite the pain returned in force and voila, here I am.

I will continue later...

I really need to keep track of how the meds I'm taking are effecting my mood because I've been having random suicidal lows and anger issues. I know I'm not easy to live with. My mom seems convinced I have borderline personality disorder, but I'm pretty sure most of my mood swings are caused by taking too little/too many pills and wallowing in negative thoughts instead of living life and setting goals.

Prescriptions
Dexedrine (2 10mg spansules)
Celexa (10mg)
Klonopin (1.5mg)

I recently requested that my psychiatrist switch out my 20mg Adderall XR prescription for Dexedrine since I've read that the l-amp can contribute to anxiety and depression. While he was quick to comply, he didn't seem to think that the Dexedrine would be much of an improvement.

Things to keep track of:

• Meds
• Supplements (if any)
• Sleep
• Mood

So besides the fact that this site is not solely about Heroin (although I wish it was sometimes - since it's pretty much all I think about during the day), I intentionally avoided giving it a name like Memoirs of Heroin Addict, or My Junky Addiction, or Diary of a Junk Fiend. Why? Because if you try to search for heroin blogs and come across anything that sounds remotely like this - it's going to be 1 of 3 things.

1. Tragically hip doper, who is too dark for this world, and you won't understand anyway. He's already resigned to dying, so he's a self fulfilling prophecy - Giving those of us who like our lives, and would prefer to go living, even with dope, a bad name. They say things like "I was born an infant crackhead to an impoverished baby mama, ignored, abused, abandoned for 15 years. And then I stuck a sharp in my arm, and my life changed forever"

2. The current recovery Junky. The ex addict who is now equally as addicted to support groups and therapy work, as they ever were to drugs. And Lord Almighty, if you suggest that "recovery" may not be in the cards for you - will you ever get an earful about how you deserve to be happy, and free yourself from the bondage of escapism through substance abuse. They say things like (and this was a direct quote to me once - I grabbed it from a PM):

"Go to the nearest mirror. Drink in your reflection for a brief moment. And then, out loud, whilst looking directly into your own eyes, tell yourself "You're beautiful. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be sober. At the moment, things are not okay. But I will be okay. I love you."

3. The user educator. S/he hasn't quite managed to quit yet, but they know EVERYTHING about the social and legal ramifications of drug use - buying, selling, quitting, therapy, not giving up. But as enlightened as they try to sound. They were the Kingpin at the time of their heaviest use. And no matter, who they are talking to or what type of addiction you've gone through. It's not like theirs. THEY were addicted because they were trying to suppress the memory of being raped at 16 by an uncle. And it took YEARS of therapy to realize that. But even though they might go 6 months at a time without using, the relapse is inevitable. And the pattern starts all over again, but the holier-then-though attitude remains the same.

Me? I'm none of those. Yeah, I guess there is some kind of chemical dependency. I go through withdraws when I don't use, blah blah blah, and yeah, I am in therapy for it. BUT. I like heroin. I like the high. I played a game where I hid it from every single person of significance in my life for over 10 years. But now that I'm open about it, I love it. Yeah there are still some shitty things, like my bf not wanting his dad to see me over Christmas, because my arms are too pin-cushin-y. But overall, I take it at face value. I'm not tragically hip, I lead a Leave it to Beaver childhood, and I've had basically no serious traumatic events in my entire life (until just recently, but I was using for 9 years before that, so I don't think it counts). I just like drugs. All drugs. But yeah, I lean towards junk. Whatever. Stay off my back about it, and yeah maybe I'll think about cutting back, not... NOT quitting. That's not in my vocabulary. I'm no quitter, sir!

That is why I felt such a sense of relief when I came across this blog... Finally... let's put some humor behind this thing... this somber, sober thing called Heroin. Even I can't deny there are some really shitty things about it - but adding humor doesn't trivialize it. It just makes it human. So, may I present to you...That Guy Is On Heroin.

Some pics of archived months, showing people in the various forms of nodding off. Living in Downtown LA at Pershing Square, I can definitely relate to seeing this on the streets, on a not to infrequent basis, lol.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh. And for keeping the streets of Baltimore free from Zombies, who would no doubt go after my stash first. (if I even lived near Baltimore). But with you in the streets, fighting for us, I feel I'm in a safer world.

::Tips hat in respect::

So in another week, I am once again trying to stop using Heroin for a couple weeks at least. I have never been able to make it past 3 days,, so if I can pull this off I will feel very proud of myself. So as I try to get things ready to start the process, I figured I would focus some of my energy on things that suck about drugs and drug use, instead of spending my time studying drugs, pining over drugs and listening to Lou Reed – which is my normal course of action during times like this. So let’s cut out any bullshit and head straight to the punch. I present – 15 Things That SUCK About Drugs!

On Toilet

1. Opiate Constipation. Need I say more. OUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing more painful when it final does push its way out. All you can do is sit on the toilet, crumpled over in a ball, and screaming “Please help me Lord!” Unless that’s just me… in that case… ignore this one, Girls don’t pop. Public Service Announcement: Don’t forget your Deculex!

2. Blowing bad coke. One line of bad coke and your noise is Fucked for days. Over last years NYE run in NYC, the first night we got bad coke. Two lines and my nose was destroyed. We got good coke for the rest of the trip, and I couldn’t enjoy it because my damn bloody nose hurt so bad from two fucking lines of that cut shit. Really – no need to ever do anything besides slam coke anyway… the only reason I’ll do lines is because of the social stigma around locking yourself in a bathroom to cook it up. Which brings me to my next point.

Seriously? Yep, this is pretty much all IV users I know

3. The social stigma around IV use. Yeah, everyone knows that heavy IV use is bad for your veins and bad for your body, with all sorts of negative possibilities. Abscesses, needles breaking off in your arm, Staff collapsed veins. But why people assume everyone that IV's is going to die prematurely, and live a hopeless life in the meantime, is beyond me. But I don’t see why if one choices to IV a drug (which when done properly, is not an intrinsically dangerous activity.) that makes you any worse of a person than someone who blows lines or smokes everyday. Yes, once you IV it’s hard to go back to anything else, BUT all Routes of Administration are clinically proven to cause addiction and can be equally as harmful *According to the study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse*. It’s this freaking trypanophobia or aichmophobia, belonephobia, or enetophobia – or whatever you want to call a fear of needles – that has everyone so up in arms against other people doing it.

4. People that live in the state of California or other states where having a medical marihuana card is not only readily available, but practically required for citizenship in the state. And then on top of that – talk about how good their weed is. Which is one of either two things:

1. Not good at all – in fact it reminds me of the crap from college. Don’t offer it to me, we’re smoking my weed. Period. And stop acting offended, I hold all my drugs to high standards. Save yours for when your home alone and don't embarrass yourself. OR

2. Bought for them by their friend with a card.

Just go out and get your own! If you don’t want to get the fancy card they all try to trick you into (fyi – it’s not your actual prescription and can’t legal protect you in anyway. You need to carry your actual paper recommendation for that), it can as little as $35 bucks. That was what I paid at the Cannabis Cup last year, where I renewed, even though I still had some time left, just because it was fast and easy. And they were processing people through the line like a slaughter house – I was in and done within 6 minutes.

5. Old black men that go around to head shows in Los Angeles, like say, at The Greek, and try to push these ridiculas looking mushrooms, and fake opium around. Those mushrooms don’t even slightly resemble real psilocybin mushrooms of any sort…. and your opium smells like incense from Venice Beach. Stay clear of these guys. They hit up every head show.

6. The popular rumor that plugging turns you gay, or you wouldn’t possibly do it if you weren’t already secretly gay. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. Yes – if you plug (or boof, or booty bump, or whatever you want to call it) you will immediately want to suck cock if you are male. Scientific proven fact.(I forgot the source – I’ll try to find it later or something.) Now let’s put the subject to rest.

7. The archaic and assigning expression, SWIM. If I open a forum and I see the word SWIM sticking out like a sore thumb on the page, I will immediately shut down the site and go to bluelight for my answers, where they specifically tell people NOT to use that an acronym. Everyone knows your talking about yourself. You’re not being cute. It’s not going to protect you from the law. And if for so dumbass reason you are using it in a sentence like “SWIM has a meth lab in their house in Marietta Georgia, and I find such-and-such the best method to not blow up my kitchen.”, maybe you should reconsider the illegal and personal information you are posting on the World-Wide IntrerWeb on a Drug Message Board that logs your IP address every time you sign in.

8. Ugh, I’ll say it. As bad as constipation is – Opiate Withdraw. Far worse. ‘Nuff said about that. The thought makes my spine cure. I’ve had enough of the Cold Sweats already today, I don’t need to trigger more.

9. Loosing, dropping, boiling over, blowing across the room… Any act of “God” that diminishes or destroys your pile o’ precious drugs. I’ve been the cause, your roommates been the cause, YOU’VE been the cause, it happens. But Lord Almighty, it sucks when it does. Your only hope is that you have a stock pile accumulated somewhere.

10.Selling anything to IV users that’s not what it’s supposed to be or has additives that haven’t been pre-tested. I’ve put some N-A-S-T-Y shit in my veins, believing I’ve bought what I was told. When you are dealing to IV users, it’s a totally different game, you could kill someone. I spent a WEEK shooting MSM thinking it was Meth once, let alone all the 99% fake blow and a couple incidents of MDMA/Moon Rocks that fucked me up (not in a good way) after slamming.

11. Speaking of slamming – can’t leave these little beauties out…. abscesses, staff infection collapsed veins, missed meth shots, scar tissue, IM soreness, phantom veins, track marks, blown-out veins. Trying to shoot for 3-4-5 hours and not being able to hit – or IM cause now your rigs filled with blood. Anything along these lines. Yeah, IVing can come with a great pay off being 100% bioavailable and instantaneous, but damn there are some shitty things about.

12. Street dealers in downtown LA that threaten to stab you with their knife “cause I’m not afraid to go to jail. You think I won’t stab you just to stay out of jail?!?” Just because you asked what else they have, instead of immediately buying the Crack they’re pushing – and wasting their time at 2am! They’ll stab you!

13. When police monitor a area that is constantly swarming with people buying/selling drugs, and target one or two people, just to make their presence known. Every person in a 5 block radius is dirty, or high. You know it’s not going to stop, we know your presence isn’t going to make it stop. Just park your car down the street and wait for an emergency, like a mugging, or rape, then jump in when people need you. Same goes for security at shows – 90% of the people are packing dirty. Drop the pretense. If you want to ban glass – more power too you. Take it all. Just accept the fact that drugs are everywhere. It hasn’t changed in 100 years, nor will in for another 100. Where there is live music, illegal drugs are present.

14. Raw mouth after a night of ecstasy binging… or as you young folks call it, Molly. Either way – MDMA in all it’s forms. It’s fun. It makes you dance all night. Provides some great sex. But damn my mouth is sore after a night or two of rolling. No matter what precautions I take. Anyone have a remedy for this??

15. Drug hands. I hadn’t painted my figure nails since I was in high school. Now I’m required to paint them weekly, just to cover up the black grossness that penetrates the skin and gets under the nail. I can’t lick my fingers without getting this nasty taste, even though I’ve washed my hands like 8 times since last time I used. It permeates, and doesn’t go away!

Bonus! ANYONE WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF DMT! GET OVER IT – FOR BEING THE MOST AWESOME DRUG ON THE PLANET, IT’S OKAY TO HAVE A COUPLE DOWNFALLS, LIKE SMELLING LIKE BURNING PLASTIC AND DEAD BODIES AND STICKING TO EVERYTHING IT TOUCHES. BESIDES, I GENUINELY DON’T MIND THE SMELL. DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU’VE TRIED IT.

Next time I hear someone complain about the smell, I’m going to offer to pack their pipe with my fine weed, and blast that shit with DMT. Takes ages to get the smell out, I’m not sure if it ever really comes out. And if you ask to borrow my bowl (packed with weed) ya gotta take the extra DMT flavoring with it, no complaints Smile

Getting clean is giving me a sense of nostalgia.

It brings me back to how I felt before drugs took over my life- carefree and happy. I got addicted at 19 to opiates. But from about 14-18 I was so full of vigor, laughter, I was a FUN person to be around, I had so many friends, I was active with family, religion, going on random road trips... All of that stopped when I made drugs a priority. I became withdrawn, snappy, irritable, tired. I would make up excuses to skip out on activities associated with friends and religion. I did it to myself. I distanced myself from everyone. Now here I am, almost 1 week clean, and I feel like I didn't mature at all. I still want to be that carefree kid I was. I feel like I missed out on a part of my life. I'm so alone; my only real life friends are probably my cousin that I live with and his friend that he has over sometimes. Everyone else- I pushed away. I wish I could just pick up where I left off at 18; I barely even remember my drug clouded years anyway.

If I never did drugs my life would be so much different. All of my friends from that period in my life have obviously made other friends, graduated college, some have even gotten married! And here I am. A 21 (almost 22) year old with nothing to show for almost 3 years of my life.

Ill always miss how my life was before I started using, but I have to move on. I need to find peace with myself, accept who I have become, make new friends, and start a new chapter. It seems very daunting but it's necessary. Friends are a necessity and making them is something I very much struggle with because of anxiety.

I'm going through a lot of life changes; finishing chapters and starting new ones. It'll be a tough ride & it's even harder to face when I feel so alone, but I have faith that I can get through it.

So as I'm trying to distract myself from withdrawal and all the terrible things it brings, I figured I'd post my "Edible Cannabis Incident of 2013". It was crazy. Here's what happened...

About an hour after ingestion, I had anxiety come on with no warning. I sat next to my cousin and he tried to calm me down but I started crying and I was like clinging to his arm. I felt like I was in a constant repetitive time loop and I feared I'd be like that forever. The only thing that was semi helping was watching the TV, because a show moves in time, and texting because I could see the time stamps. I curled up and felt my hands burning my face. I thought I died and went to hell. I thought my basement was hell. This is when I really started to lose it. I couldn't talk. I tried but I couldn't. I walked upstairs to my room and laid on my bed. Then I had to pee. But my mind was still downstairs with Tim and I thought I was going to urinate myself. I didn't know where I was. Finally I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and I had huge pupils and bags under my eyes. I went to go lay back down on my bed with a cat. Then I had INTENSE visuals! From weed! I saw a 8 year old me (age I was when I was sexually abused) show me my birth, how I'm fucking up the present, and then I saw myself being resuscitated by medics & then they couldn't do it so I died, and I "saw" my "spirit" floating above my body. I started petting my cat then I snapped out if it and thought "ok this Is reality. You're alive and in bed. You're okay. You're safe" Then I texted my mom and drifted to sleep.

I don't understand myself.

hey guys this is just a psa regarding vivid entertainment. im sure many of you have heard of them, but perhaps some of you havent. basicaly they are an adult indistry company who film, produce, distribute and sell pornographic moves. nothing wrong with that its all legit.

now the problem comes when you try to contact them aqbout an issue or question you may have. i will give you an easy example ok, a guy who wel will call alan east emailed the company after getting absolutely no respose from the phone number (which would have been very expensive to call you see). his email was poloite, to the point, and had all of the nesseary details which could reply a very quick reply. he sent the email on wednesday just gone and has no reply today (monday). there wasnt even a simple no thank you reply which would have been common courtesy, instead ignorance seems to be running rife through this 'company'j, if they are big enough to be called this.

the original email, its contents and what was to follow through would have made vivid a lot of money and would have also provided mr east with some money to restart his life and stop taking drugs.

its also important to note that several members of this forum can collobarate this story and prove that the said content is indeed true. although they only saw brief clips (because of copyright/theft worrys) thye will confirm for you of the authenticity.

yeah so thats it, just remember next time you cinsider buying porno, just mark vivid off your list, they will take your money but dont actually give a shit about the consumer.

Well keeping up with this diary/log isn't the easiest thing. So im going to try and remember the last day or two here in this one post along with today(so far).
I may try structuring my input into a couple basic questions:
Here is the first draft of structured Q/A i will try to completer every morning.
Header: Day of the week, date, and where I am at/what I an doing.
1. Sleep?
Estimated Length of Sleep (from the previous night) or ELSapproximate in hours.)
Subjective Quality of Sleep SQS: (simple one or a few word description)
Notable occurrences during sleep last night/Sleep EventsIncludes things like did I have vivid dreams, Wake up, and others events.)
2. Moodgeneral short descriptive) & Motivation: (how motivated I was to get up and get going, and how motivated I am currently at doing my job/school work.)
3. Substance intake:
format: time taken, Substance, dose, ROA.
4.Diet and vitamin/mineral/herbal(not psychoactive substances)
part.

Header: Day of the week: Tuesday date: 3/12/13 and where I am at/what I an doing: At my dads, watching a documentary on Zimbabwe, Mugabe and the land seizure's from white Africans entitled "Mugabe and the white Africans."
1. Sleep?
Estimated Length of Sleep& Quality: Went to sleep at about 10 pm last night slept pretty well except my girl friend's mom was on the phone and she is a very rude and inconsiderate person, so she would speak loudly walk through my girls room and not lower voice... so i woke up a couple times until she had finally gotten off the phone. Finally got to sleep in til about 8:30-9:00 am (No work or school thanks to being on spring break. So i roughly got almost 10 hours of sleep
Notable occurrences during sleep last night/Sleep Events: No vivid dreams or anything though i know i dreamed a little bit due to having vague memories of occurrences that did not happen but may have happened in my dreams(little things like conversations between my girl friend and I that never happened but i would recall parts of them) this sort of thing seems to happen to me a lot.
2. Mood& Motivation: Ive been in a pretty good mood all day so far. I got to sleep in so it took me a little while to get out of bed but since i had no immediate responsibilities it was nice. Woke up enjoyed some breakfast and coffee and and did some registry scanning on my computer to help it work better. After that I had volunteered to help unload a bunch of mineral for them and was very motivated to do it and did the job well. The farm truck's tires were low on air and one which needs to be fixed was flat but i was very motivated to take it down to the shop(where there is an air compressor) and fill up all the tires. Also I made my GF's bed and wrote her a little note that i know she will love since i won't be seeing her tonight. Next I drove to a pet store to pick up a rope toy for my cousin's dog who i am feeding/checking on everyday while he is on vacation, drove to his place played fetch with the dog and feed her. It was fun playing fetch and all. It is also quite a nice day. Just got to my dads where i decided to fill in today's entry and do some other work on this blog.
3. Substance intake: ~8:30, alpralozam 1mg, Oral.
~9:00 am, Buprenorphine, IN
~11-12 am alpralozamm, 1mg,, IN
4. Diet: This morning: two chocolate croissant's, 2 hard(but still gooey in the center) eggs, that packet of vitamins/minerals/supplements, some baby carrots.
early afternoon: Two 8 oz canned V8s, small snickers bar & 1 avocado plus a ginkgo balboa supplement(why idk it was at my cuz's and i was like why not lol) probably about to eat a banana.

Let me preface this blog by saying I am not a bigot in any form,all races/ethic groups should have legal rights, doesn't matter if one "race" marries a different one, and there is nothing wrong with people being gay and getting married.If I am going to hate someone,it is going to be for who they are as a person and based on nothing else. SO LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR,THE FOLLOWING DEFINED TERMS IS NOT BEING USED IN A DEROGATORY MANNER!!!

Nigger,Cracker,Spic,Pole-lock, Etc.-VARIOUS TERMS APPLIED TO SPECIFIC RACES,OFTEN IN A RACIST FASHION TO SINGLE OUT THE ENTIRE RACE IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT,HOWEVER,PROPER USE OF THESE TERMS ARE IN REFERENCE TO THOSE WHO ARE LAZY,USELESS,GOOD FOR NOTHING PEOPLE,NO MATTER THE RACE!!!

I will refrain from using the terms in the rest of my blog,but basically,that gives the picture of how lazy some people I work with are...I work in a carpet mill and my job is a creeler. Frankly,its a job that doesn't require much when it comes to intelligence. Load yarn on creel,splice,put cap on cone of yarn,repeat(there is a little more to it than this,but not really much),that's pretty much it though! Ya,it gets hot as hell in here some days(though today it isn't that bad),some days drag by, and other days the supervisors might work you harder just because they are ill.BUT STILL!!!

There has been this one guy who literally hasn't done shit today,has already went off from his job for a good amount of time twice today,resulting n the boss looking for him. He didn't get into any trouble and is still straying away from the creel that he is supposed to be working on. Ya, I go off and fuck off and talk sometimes,but I make sure that my job is done before I go and do so.If it isn't done when I go off, I make sure it isn't going to run out during the time that I am gone,and those times I am only gone for 5-10mins,not 20-30mins like him...He is so damn lazy!

As for the people here being stupid, there have been several times I have attempted to explain concepts to them about what I am doing or why something they are doing is not working.The Result, a blank stare followed by them being offended and giving me a dirty look because they don't understand...I don't know,these people here get on my nerves...I am just to damn smart to be working in a fucking carpet mill...

Pariahprose

First off, I consider myself a Taoist Christian, Taoism is being used in the sense of a philosophy and Christianity in the sense of religion. Taoism is the framework,the shell, the belief that I form when I express my views of society while in the confines of blood,bones,and flesh. Christianity for me is the answer to that which cannot be seen,something higher that we cannot comprehend, the treasure concealed inside the chest, the pure energy of your soul encaged within every inch of your physical self.

So as for what I believe will happen to my soul when I die, I look to Christianity for the answers. Contrary to what most believe,Christianity only specifically mentions one unforgiveable sin. Its not adultry,murder, or even suicide that is Christianity's one specific sin that is saw as completly void of any chance of forgiveness in the eyes of God. It is Blashphemy of The Holy Spirit,knowingly turning your back on the tugging of the Holy Spirit and its purpose for you,going against God's way when you were an individual that God spoke to and told you that He had a very specific thing for you to do. Instead you pursue you own way...

So why might you ask did I,Pariahprose, just spend two paragraphs explaining my Spiritual beliefs? Well simply because as of late I have concluded that if shit don't change that my ass is going to Hell FOR SURE(whatever form Hell may take). The reason I placed emphasis on "for sure" is because I am knowingly violating the one single sin mentioned in the Bible that has no pardon,Blasphemy of The Holy Spirit. Fucked up that I have the knowledge to realize such things but not the wisdom to change them into the positive circumstances that they need to become.
The reason I know that this sin weighs me down so greatly is because ever since my trip to a 6wk Inpatient Christian Rehab and six month Christian Half-way House Rehab in 2007 I have felt compelled,no more like convicted that I am supposed to do something with my life involving helping drug addicts. I have been through a good bit of shit in my life and should have died several times but God has still kept me alive for some reason...Not only has he kept me alive but I have heard his irrevocable call come down from Heaven and speak directly to my soul telling me that I am capable of great things if I heed to the call that God has for me and place my faith in Him...However,failure to do so and to follow His will would result in catastrophic consequences for not only myself but also for those that I were meant to help and save.

What kind of insanity is this shit? It makes no sense for someone who has felt and heard the presence of the Holy Spirit to just turn away from it. Many people go their entire life never hearing from the Holy Spirit in such specific ways but my dumb ass does but still chooses to go against it. I do all of this despite knowing what is at stake

First, let me say with a title like this, you wouId have thought this blog would have immediatly been ejaculated into the Sperm Dumpster of Twiztid Humor Category,however, for those of you hoping to find me talking dirty and saying how much of a slut I am,you won't find it in this blog, Sorry! Lol,now on to my actual subject...
I love to write! I love to write songs,poems,stories,philosophical essays, anything. So I got to thinking about how much I not only love to write but how much I crave and love the attention of others simply reading my blogs. This is not my full hearts desire though, what I truly wish to see happen is for my blogs to be not just things people read but actively comment,discuss,and participate in.

I simply want to either make people laugh or make them think on a deeper mental and spiritual level than normal with the things I write. I do not desire the attention to further no sort of hedonistic or personal vendetta. I desire the attention because when people come to realize the existence of some things,they tell others,more people engage in blogs, allowing them to experience an opportunity to further the growth of their minds and their soul. I do whatever it takes to get people active and intelligently discussing issues in an ever increasing inactive and intellectually stagnant society.

So ya, in this way, I am most definatly a slut. I let everyone possible inside the contents of my blogs. My only intention is to give away free knowledge and personal opinions away in exchange for conversation on the topics. I do this much like a typical "slut" gives away a piece of their soul in exchange for free pleasure and ephemeral catharsis. An interesting note to end this on is the notion that we are all metaphorically sluts in our own way. In what ways are you a slut in the framework of this metaphor?

At work around 10am.
Sleep:
Length: went to bed at about 10pm, woke up at 6:30. So about 8.5 hours of sleep
Quality: only woke up a couple times because my girl friend(who just got back from being away for four days, kept moving around in a dream or something and she was snuggled up next to me so it woke me up. But other than that I slept really well.
Notable occurrences: besides my girl waking me up, no dreams that I recall or anything else.
Mood&Motivation: becusse of the time change it was really dark when I woke up and it was hard to get going. I had the fuck work I want to sleep mentality but I got up and got to work on time. I was in that mood until about 8, 8:30, and now im in a good mood pretty motivated .
Substance intake: buprnorphine, 1mg, IN a little before 8am.
Diet: two cinnamon pop tarts(6:40ish am), 1 chocolate peanut fiber bar(7:15ish am), and the packet of supplements/vitamins(6:50ish am)

Monday afternoon around 5pm, at the farm.
Sleep:no naps today, none needed since I got a good night's rest the night before.
Mood&Motivation: Did a really good job at work, and that made me feel pretty good. Had to run to my cousins apartment to feed his dog because he is
on vacation and went over there and played with her. Ran to the store to get some stuff and then headed down to the farm to spend the rest of the day with her. So far my mood had been pretty good except for a couple hours until I got down here, I wasn't in a bad mood just wasn't feeling right and was thinking about drugs, and I was hungry which seems to always meen im edgy(even when I was on full agonist opiates this was the case, for instance even though id be high off of whatever strong opiate if my stomach was empty I would be pretty grouchy towards other people, now that im just on bupre im grouchy towards myself I.e. depressed. When I got down here my mood improved: for three reasons: I got to see my gf , there was some delicious food cooked for me and I took a benzo... (not good, really)
Substance intake: ~3 pm 200mgs cimitidine oral.
~3:20pm 1mg alpralozam, oral. (about ten minutes before I ate)
~4 to 4:30 buprenorphine 1mg IN
~5pm cimitidine, 400mgs. Oral
~5pm alpralozam .5mgs IN
Deit: 3:30: baked chicken with rice yellow and red cherry tomatoes, and chives, onions and maybe some sort of greens where in the dish too it was very good.
4:30pm Snickers ice cream bar

So there is this girl I work with who keeps on saying that she isn't sure if I'm the kind of person to snitch people out just to get them in trouble and make myself look good. *shrugs* Doesn't really bother me that she says something like that because she is allowed her thoughts, and I know it not to be true. What does bother me about the whole situation is that her doubt isn't without reason in the workplace. People really do this kind of thing, anyone who works or has worked have witnessed this type of behavior in the work place. Hell, there are probably more people who will do this kind of thing just for shits,giggles, and to get their rocks off than there are people who are serious in wishing to achieve advancement in their workplace.

Snitching in most situations is often frowned upon because it represents the breaking of trust between two or more people. When someone tells you something it is supposed to be understood by the majority that it stays between you and them. However, just because it is understood that it is supposed to be this way for most circumstances doesn't mean that it is actively applied as wisdom. The thing about workplace snitching is that the ones who speak of their co-workers by specific name to another worker and how nosy, a "pet" of the boss, etc. that that specific worker is, are most likely the ones to actually be kiss ass snitches.

Hell, I am not below "kissing ass" to manipulate outcomes of situations to my advantage. However, there are other ways to go about it than snitching. Snitching in the workplace is a byproduct of those people who lack the ability to formulate a more intelligent, multistage, and over all more difficult approach to either be able to have it somewhat easy or to achieve advancement. I will gla

I think I adjusted my privacy settings correctly now?

Today Saturday 3/8/13, at work. ~10am
Sleep:
ELS, estimated length of sleep: went to bed at 12, midnight, got up around 6:30: ~6.5 hours of sleep.
SQS, subjective quality of sleep: slept well, fell asleep and stayed asleep.
Notable occurrences during sleep: none.
2. Mood & Motivation: a little tired at first, didnt want to get up but I did, so far mood has been good. Pretty motivated for work, very little procrastination of tasks & doing tasks in smart efficient manner.
3. Substance intake.
~7:00am, Buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN.
So far nothing else.

Recollection of Yesterday, 3/7/13, work from 7:30-11 am, then rest from 11:00-5, chilled with bro(s) 5-11 pm.
Sleep: hard to remember
ELS: ~5 hours
SQS: good, but not enough and woke up once.
notable occurrences during sleep: woke up once and was worried about being able to fall back asleep, dreams not to vivid, but recalled through day as false memories.
2.Mood & Motivation.
Pretty motivated at work, and getting up and going to work. Off work by 11 am and spent from 11-5 testing watching documentaries. At 5 went over to a friends until about 11 pm.
3. Substance intake:
~ 8-9am. Buprenorphine, 1mg IN.
~4pm. Tramadol, 200mgs PO. (no effects noticed)
~7-9pm alpralozam, 3.5mgs, sub&PO(oral)
~10pm cocaine(good, really good) .04mgs(one line out .16mg split into 4 lines.) IN.

Today Sunday 3/10/13, at work. ~9am
Sleep:
ELS, estimated length of sleep: went to bed at 3am got up around 7:30: ~4.5 hours of sleep.
SQS, subjective quality of sleep: Should have gone to bed earlier stayed up watching documentaries, fell asleep and stayed asleep.
Notable occurrences during sleep: none.
2. Mood & Motivation: Hard to get out of bed and get going. Still procrastinating starting work, though i am here and have been for 1.5 hours.
3. Substance intake.
~8:00am, Buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN.
So far nothing else.
4. Deit: 1 cafe latte extra shot expresso, and 1 ham/egg/cheese/whole grain bread sandwhich ~9.00am

Sunday afternoon ~12:30 left work went back to my moms, to pack my things. I had to go back into work for 1.5 hours, becuase we are open to the public from 4-5 on Sundays.
sleep: no afternoon nap so still going off the little sleep I had the night before.
Mood & motivation: pretty depressive mood thinking about drugs, spent one hour just reading on my computer rather than packing and cleaning the room up i needed to eat and take my packet of differnet vitamins and supplements, i had started a couple days, but I didn't feel like eating even though my stomach was empty and I knew it would make me feel better. Until a buddy texted me about doing a little trade.. then i ate two pb&j sandwhiches along with the supplement packet. Latter on in the day my mood improved dramatically and I am still feeling good ~9pm
Substance intake: ~1:00-1:30 400mgs cimetidine before i ate. PO(oral)
~2:30 alpralozam Exented release, 2mgs, crushed, oral.
Didnt feel any effects til about 4:00pm and my day started to turn around frantically.
~5pm buprnorphine, 1mg, IN.

Over the course of around 8 months or so, I have been realising there are ways to really enhance MDMA's effects. To put it bluntly, noone i know ever gets as far as I do on mdma that i know personally, except for one guy did, and he was on my E-diet (Incorporates it into he's every day foods)

So lets just start off by saying what effects i get from 100mg of Crystal Mdma:

- Amazing Euphoria
- A really smiley face alongside that euphoria
- Eye wiggles
- Shivering jaw/ bit of a gurn not so much
- lasts about 3 hours from 100mg
- Enhanced attraction to lights and colours
- Much greater Music appreciation
- Lots of energy for dancing. Much more than without the diet
- Very blown pupils (a friend told me at 100mg, at some point they were completely blown, which is quite impressive for only 100mg)

Now i try to aim for 40 day wait minimum , but my goal is 60 days.
Been using mdma since January 2011.

The main reason behind going ahead and researching is because , when i first started to use mdma, there was a month in april where i took it 3 times in one month, as well as redosing. I noticed it didnt feel quite as euphoric and loving on the 3rd time, something was definitely not right/as good about it.

So that's what brought me here to bluelight to seek out harm reduction techniques and also i was on a quest to enhance mdma's effects.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/entries/...equire-lower-dose-and-lessen-have-no-comedown.

I'm getting people tell me that the effects I am getting are merely placebo, I tell you one thing they are definitely not placebo,
I think that there are many things that must work in conjunction with how great of a time i have on mdma.

The argument i hear is, "You can eat those foods but the process doesn't cross the brain barrier"
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0b/Tryptophan_metabolism.png

I think that by eating those certain food your body has then the ability to produce more serotonin provided your day is fulfilled with daylight , exercise and some sunlight. I think that it does start to cross the blood brain barrier when your eyes come into contact with sunlight, so if your diet consists of the foods on that list, then the chances are that you are going to make more serotonin than someone who doesnt?

I have read a few times now, that after using mdma, your serotonin receptors are downgraded so you can't produce anymore serotonin for at least a month.
I'm not sure if this is true though, but i do notice a difference between a 30 day wait and a 40 day wait, Those extra 10 days really help.



Now lets get onto the negative parts of mdma use are the comedown, the depression, possible short term memory impairment and sleep issues.

There are already unnatural things in our lifestyles, sitting at a PC screen in the evening for example disrupts our production of melatonin, (our sleep hormone) The best thing to do really is to come away from bright screens an hour minimum before bed time.
Some people are on really tight schedules though and are busy with work the rest of the day or W/e so they use their time in the evening to come online or do what they need to do on the PC (could even be more work)

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

I recommend this program very much, its so much easier on the eyes of a night time too. It basically alters brightness on your monitor , its just a program that is left running and adjusts the brightness for you automatically. This program could help our brains to adjust to nighttime smoother and more naturally and thus raise our melatonin levels before time for sleep.


Waking up early and getting as much daylight as possible is also important in serotonin production, however i think the stronger the sunlight, the more serotonin we are able to produce. That's why some people don't take mdma as much in the winter, because they know that their body wont receive as much sunlight to help replenish these lesser levels.

ONE DOSE. Most important rule out there really so long as you have good tested substance of course. Never re-dose, all you are doing is lessening your fun for next time, and guaranteeing yourself a nasty comedown.


Nowadays my comedowns are no longer 'suicide tueday'
instead i just get a lesser effect on a wednesday evening or perhaps thursday just dont feel as happy as i usually do but that goes away after a day.

before i followed any of these rules or ideas i had come up with from research, my comedowns would be absolutely awful.

mdma crystal
Cocaine
Base
Ketamine
DXM
Weed
Nitrous oxide
Methoxetamine
Valium
2cb

.. Well ive done them all now.. :D

Originally developed as a 'temporary diet' for the days leading up to taking mdma. I suggest if you use mdma and are a seasoned user that you incorporate these foods into your everyday diets.

*** Warnings ***
Do NOT consume Dark Chocolate within 2 days of taking mdma. I have just recently had an amazing time on mdma, i was eating 20grams a day up until 2 days before taking mdma. I think it is much more neurotoxic to eat dark chocolate on the same day and the day before perhaps, with recent realization that dark chocolate contains phenylalanine which is the precursor to Tyrosine:

phenylalanine > Tyrosine > L-DOPA > Dopamine
Which we should not be taking L-Tyrosine as a supplement for preloading.


My Favourite Dose when using this 'E-diet' and waiting around 6 weeks break is a 100mg Capsule of MDMA. I have been using MDMA for over a year now, around 14 times, And that 100mg still gives me:
- Eye wiggles
- Full blown Pupils
- Smiley teeth face (stuck like it) nice big dirty smile on my face

I Suggest you eat these foods in your diet and get sunlight on a daily basis, and it will help you to not only have a fantastic time on mdma but not suffer the negatives of mdma.


New users/ 2nd time users onwards should wait a minimum of once a month between using Mdma. People who have using mdma for a over year should be spacing it out 2 - 3 months, this is essential. All of these factors together including this diet should help ensure you stay safe, and enjoy mdma as much as possible!


Anyway, I want you to watch this moveable, Clickable diagram on this page first of all :
http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_03/i_03_m/i_03_m_par/i_03_m_par_ecstasy.html


So basically my idea comes from research i was doing on foods and other ways to raise serotonin. I know people take 5HTP but this is a different approach to it.

Sunlight raises serotonin levels, thats why when you lay in the blazing sun it is easy to fall asleep, because your serotonin levels are raising so high its making you sleepy

Potatoes as a side for your meats/fish/poultry. Loaded with potassium and complex carbs which aid in the breakdown of l-tryptorphan into serotonin. Source of information: Severely Etarded
(Scientific Diagram of how Serotonin is produced) http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...etabolism.png/449px-Tryptophan_metabolism.png

The foods you will want to eat are as follows: (Combine with List 2 to help actually convert this into serotonin)
List 1
Dark Chocolate (60% cocoa minimum) Do not consume this within 2-3 days of taking mdma. + Do Not consume more than 25g a day.
Chicken
Turkey (*Myth*one of the best foods at raising serotonin, and my theory why people fall asleep after a chistmas dinner is that it raises your serotonin levels that high after eating so much turkey)
Milk (A nice warm cup/glass of milk near bedtime will help you sleep also)
Tuna
High omega 3 foods that increase serotonin like wild salmon, sardines or Mackerel
High Quality Eggs
Cheese
Bananas (Best to eat when fresh, higher starch content, less sugar)
Whey protein (Like that in protein shakes)
Sour Cherries - Raises Serotonin levels + Melotonin , Helps you sleep. (Good for after your experience)
Free Range Beef
Asparagus
Avocado
Pecans
Pineapple
Eggplant
Spinach
Walnuts
Roasted pumpkin seeds
dry sunflower seeds
Oats - Could even be a nice bowl of porridge .. yumm
Kidney beans


List 2
Beans - All kinds of beans are amazingly nutritious in all kinds of vitamins, proteins, and fiber (fiber is something the average diet without any beans will almost certainly be deficient in, and very important for healthy living/regular bowel movements). The protein in beans is special in that it is plant-based, so it gives you a variety of essential amino acids.
Rice Cakes
Rice
Pasta

Potatoes (baked potato with skin works best) - They provide nutritious plant protein, and complex carbohydrates that stimulate serotonin production when foods containing tryptophan, the amino acid precursor to serotonin.

Stuff to avoid before Taking mdma :

Artificial sweeteners: Aspartame, acesulfame k, sucralose, sacharrin, and others
Alcohol
Stress


Also i recently read that small amounts of cannabis (A joint or so) Slightly raises serotonin levels, So this is probably why many ravers roll a dooby after a night of getting on it,
To help them rest and to ease their comedown







***Update***

My latest theory is this.
When you roll 2 things change and need to be changed back to same levels after you roll:
1. Serotonin levels are depleted
2. Neuro Receptors are essentially "rewired" and take time to do this.

My preroll diet basically ups your serotonin levels, But you MUST pair it with a long wait to allow the neuro receptors to finish sorting themselves out.



***Further Reading***

Foods high in the Amino Acid L-Tryptophan (in milligrams (mg) per 100 gram (3.5 ounce) portion), about the size of a deck of playing cards. That is not a large serving, and in a single meal you might easily double or triple the figures listed here.


Beans
Lentils 215 mg
Dried Peas 250
Navy (pea) 200
Pinto Beans 210
Red Kidney 215
Soy 525


Nuts and Seeds
Brazil Nuts 185 mg
Cashews 470mg
Filberts 210mg
Peanuts 340mg
Peanut Butter 330mg (this is for natural peanut butter, not popular commercial brands)
Pumpkin Seed 560mg
Sesame Seeds 330-575mg (if seeds are ground up)
Sunflower 340mg

Other nuts generally provide at least 130 milligrams per small serving; usually more.

Grains
Wheat Germ 265 mg

Cheese
Cheddar: 340 mg
Parmesan: 490
Swiss: 375

Other cheeses tend to be lower in tryptophan, but are still very good sources.

Eggs 210 mg

Brewer's Yeast 700 mg

(Source: US Department of Agriculture, Amino Acid Content of Foods.)

Meats are generally regarded as a good source of tryptophan, organ meats supposedly being the highest. However, most meats are in the range of 160 to 260 mg/100 g, (chicken is about 250) with organ meats ranging between 220 and 330. These figures certainly do not compel meat eating. Compare with soybeans, split peas, cheese and cashews!

( phenylalanine > Tyrosine > L-DOPA > Dopamine)

(Backup piece of writing to enforce why you shouldn't consume much Tyrosine before mdma)
http://www.jneurosci.org/content/26/1/290.full.pdf

The specific mechanisms underlying ()-3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)-induced damage to 5-HT terminals are unknown. Despite the hypothesized role for dopamine (DA) and DA-derived free radicals in mediating this damage, it remains unclear why
MDMA produces long-term depletions of 5-HT in brain regions that are sparsely innervated by DA neurons. We hypothesized that the
precursor to DA biosynthesis, tyrosine, mediates MDMA-induced 5-HT depletions. Extracellular tyrosine concentrations increased
fivefold in striatum and 2.5-fold in hippocampus during the administration of neurotoxic doses of MDMA. In vitro results show that
L-tyrosine can be hydroxylated nonenzymatically to the DA precursor L-3,4-dihydroxyphenylalanine (DOPA) under pro-oxidant conditions. The local infusion of L-tyrosine into the striatum or hippocampus during MDMA administration potentiated the acute increase in
extracellular DA and the long-term depletion of 5-HT after MDMA. Coinfusion of the aromatic amino acid decarboxylase (AADC)
inhibitor m-hydroxybenzylhydrazine attenuated these effects in hippocampus and decreased basal extracellular DA in the striatum. In
contrast, the reverse dialysis of the tyrosine hydroxylase inhibitor -methyl-p-tyrosine into the hippocampus did not affect MDMAinduced increases in extracellular DA or the long-term depletion in 5-HT. These results show that MDMA increases the concentration of tyrosine in the brain to cause a long-term depletion of 5-HT via the nonenzymatic, tyrosine hydroxylase-independent, hydroxylation of tyrosine to DOPA and subsequently to DA via AADC. Overall, the findings suggest that MDMA depletes 5-HT by increasing tyrosine and its eventual conversion to DA within 5-HT terminals

Yesterday I had to put my dog down. I feel absolutely horrible even though there wasn't much choice. Just been eating norco 10-325's all day and I still feel horrible. I got kicked out of my apartment a few days ago, been living in my car. I still have a few posessions like my phone and 357 magnum revolver. My ex gf doesn't give a shit about me anymore, I feel better off dead. I'm in south padre island, thinking of driving our to the north end, driving on thw beach to a secluded area and... ending it there on the beach.

its been so long since ive felt this empty. ive spent the last few weeks in reflection, trying to figure out where it came from. ive been immersed in a pit of depression for a few months and i dont really know what im depressed about. i blamed it on my job but i was just rationalizing something away. i blamed it on a departure from some other endeavors in my life but i think now too that it was just my mind rationalizing a source to my apparent problem. im such an introspective person that ive never been in a situation with myself that i cant figure out, and it has really taken its toll on me. i feel like i withered away this winter, like i was a raging meteorite my entire life and just now ive met with enough friction to fizzle me into ether. winter is always very depressing for me, but i feel this abyss so much stronger now. i feel completely cut off from the world for some reason. i feel no connection to people around me, and i cant tell if its all in my head and im just being a spoiled child, or if i really am missing some primary food in life. i keep placating my need for healing with the idea that spring is around the corner, and this condition will magically go away.

its really starting to affect me socially. i dont talk to anyone, i dont go out much, i just bury myself with work or pot and booze and just try and stay in this detached, shut off mode. im so mal adapted to this state. ive spent the last few years feeling the best ive ever felt in my life. i have everything, i have no real wants or needs. my job situation is almost unbelievably good, yet for some reason my mind cant accept something so good. my relationship couldnt be more perfect. im blessed in so many other ways, some that even if i were to speak of, no one would even believe me. but i feel and have felt so empty and i cant figure out why. my lover is trying so hard to help me but i seem to be keeping her at bay, never letting her get close to whatever this black void i have is. my emotions are out of control. my moods are out of control. ive developed some particularly violent and brutish tendencies that are nothing like the character i know myself to be. im regressing, becoming reduced to a more basic state. ive become overwhelmingly judgmental, viscous in temper, explosive in reactions, and extremely hostile socially. im looking at myself over the last few months and all i can think is that i dont know who i am. this person im becoming, or have become, isnt me. i loathe myself for feeling so selfish, so needy, and so unappreciative of everything i have. i despise myself for my ignorance, lack of control, and demands for immediate gratification. ive never really been too intimidated by social situations before, but for the first time in life im experiencing anxiety, and i dont know what to do with it. im unprepared for this, im well into my adult life and ive never experienced an area of the mind i couldnt handle, and thus have no adaptations for what im going through. im starting to really fuck my life up.

my mind is normally such an orderly, peaceful, and logical place. everything i do in the long run adds up logically and leaves me feeling positive about my path through this world. now nothing i do, in the greater scheme of things, makes sense. i sit and i breathe and i ponder and i cant find the answers. i dont know what im missing. i dont know what i need to remove. i dont know what direction to take. ive never not-known before. im feeling insane, sort of like when one has been tripping way too long and one believes the trip will never go away, and one will have to learn to live life in this new mental state forever. im just praying im on the verge of some major change in my life, and that this will all make sense in many months time. right now i just feel broken in a way that cant be fixed. the worse part is im standing guard over myself, making sure i cant be fixed. what is wrong with me?

im dying to feel human again. i havent felt a connection with people and the world at large in so long, that i feel like i havent eaten anything but bread and water for months. i need substance, why am i rejecting it?