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my dad was practical about the matter. said times are different now and there is no point in staying married just to stay married. we have no house or kids to worry about. and we might as well try to be happy.

my mom was an entirely different story. i got a lecture about how i need to grow up and stop trying to have fun all the time. apparently wanting to enjoy my life is not the appropriate life goal? i am happy (well mostly) to work a job a find rewarding so i have the money and time to do the things i enjoy. i don't have an overwhelming need to start a family and i don't see owning property as a sign of being a grown up. as the conversation continued, she started going on about how my friends have always been more important than family. i really don't see how that is relevant to the matters at hand at all. she has been bitching about the fact that i rely on my friends instead of my parents since i was in middle school. she finished by expressing the idea that my friends aren't good for me. according to her, most of them lack direction or purpose in their lives.

there was very little talk about unglued and i. or how i am doing. just a 30 minute conversation about everything i am doing wrong. and she wonders why i never bother talking to her about anything important.

I've given suicide a great deal of thought & the more bullshit that keeps hitting me, the more attractive an option it feels. Truth be told, Im surprised I've lasted THIS long. I'm rapidly approaching 50, an Christ everthing is falling apart harder & faster ever since Feb 15th, the cursed day I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, had been sound asleep, and the last thing I needed was another fukn drug case. I got kicked out of Ma's house, this fukd me big time as Ive no more professional license. Yes, am on SDI, supposed to turn to long term disability with the help of my doc, but its the idea that I can no longer go back to work, its no longer an option--unless per chance I manage to get these charges reduced or dropped with no $ for a real attorney.

The above written is the reason I bailed out of jail because as crappy as my chances are now, lets just say barring a miracle, I can pretty much guarantee losing my case for sure had I stayed inside. I'd either been railroaded into a fukn guilty plea with an overpriced PROP case. They dont care if you're on disability or have no job. Its $400/mo. Period. I went up in front of the Judge who told me May 1 & no more extensions to find counsel I can't afford. This dude at the dope house recommended I call this lady for homeless court an that often times charges are reduced or dropped. Its my only hope. If I can't get this court, then I was advised by others experienced in the system to get the public defender, but to show them I know these are bogus charges, stand my ground, dont get railroaded into some shite deal.

If they are jerkin around, then fire them and they have to assign a new one, which still buys time. Its been fucked too that this is the 5th time my blasted sdi check is 2 wks late! All I can say is besides being humiliating as hell running out of $, I couldnt pay the bail guy in a timely matter. So last night they impounded my damn car from Ma's house, as it was one of the rare times spending the night as I was invited and to pick up mail. Ma had a party, I had to park on street, makin it too easy so next morning my damn car gone an thats when i said fuck this. Ive been afraid of the consequences of suicide ranging from immediate reincarnation to being some soul wandering an trapped on this realm until I turned the age Id of been not committing suicide.

My car was my home. Period. Whats worse is that and painkillers are my method. Not that Im not scared of the act of doin what is necessary to end my physical existence-or God 4bid whatever crap ass fate came after. Still, Ma does nothin but verbally shower me with contempt and fuck living on the streets Im too old to switch over surviving solely on crime to make a living. And its not my nature to do so. Ma got the car out of impound because even though Ive paid $200-$250/mo x 27 mo which is $4000+ & yet she insists there is $5100 owing on a car she paid $5000 Dec 2010.

She denies Ive paid that much & when I say I have dup copies of all the chex Ive written her since Dec 2005, she goes balistic an wont hear it. If looks could kill. . .

Im happy to not have that fukn bail bill hangn over my head, but mom with her venumous contempt telln the family im a piece of drug addicted shit, changd the locks on home, even though Ive NEVER burged her or anyones home. And I have to listen to an earful of verbal abuse which is y I leave an sleep in car, go from frnd to frnd, or even once a motel 3 nights to get a break from all this. Having to keep asking to take a shower, not having $ my check 2wx late. Its fuckin humiliating. At least when I was working getting paid slave wages, I knew Id get paid every Friday, even if that shit company made me wait an extra week for part of my wages half the time.

Cant access wifi at ma's for some reason an she tore down my home PC along with all my stuff she put in bags. I told her not to bother leaving me anything in her will and to change it to other beneficiary and she ought to think about who should benefit should I predecease her. Accidents happen.

Took 1mg (1000mcg) naltrexone last night around 11:15pm. Went to bed around 12:15am(?), fell asleep easily again but had a really poor sleep, wide awake at 5:45am, couldn't get back to sleep, got up for a while, finally fell asleep for a couple hrs, woke up feeling super groggy. Bad pain day, generally shitty feeling day. Nothing worse than one of my "down"/bad days (or insomniac nights) before the naltrexone though, so I don't know what role, if any, the naltrexone played. I might be having some trouble because I haven't been taking sleeping pills. Been trying not to take any drugs other than the naltrexone. I might try some herbs for sleep or something. Not sure how much naltrexone to take tonight... Only positive thing I noticed today is that my diarrhea is still gone.

Last night (12am) I took 500mcg of naltrexone. I felt really sleepy soon (maybe 30min?) afterwards and fell asleep on the couch. Around an hr later I woke and and went to bed, fell back asleep really fast. I still had a somewhat restless sleep after that but better than the previous few nights.

I woke up at 8:30am again and still felt in pain and kind of groggy when I woke up but mentally I felt a little bit better than usual, and I actually didn't lay around in bed for hours like I normally do. Aside from that I did not feel much more energetic or motivated than usual.

I decided to try taking some more naltrexone - 250mcg - at 12pm today. I haven't noticed much so far from that aside from feeling a little bit more relaxed and perhaps more focussed, but it's only been a few hours.

I think I'll try 1mg (1000mcg) tonight.

Haven't noticed any adverse effects.

Myths about LDN:
There seems to be a very popular myth online that, regardless of the person or reason for use, LDN should only be taken at night. Read more if you want to hear why I think this is a myth...

This idea originates from 1 or 2 of the main proponents of LDN claiming that endogenous opioids such as endorphins are only produced by the body (mainly pituitary gland) between the hours of around 12am-4am, which is not even true. There does seem to be a circadian rhythm regarding circulating blood levels of endorphins (like beta-endorphin) in average healthy people (who also don't have sleep difficulties/deprivation), with higher levels being detected in the blood at night and lower levels during the day, but that is not evidence that the body only makes or secretes endorphins at night, let alone in everyone, nor does it support that LDN should only be taken at night. These people made the assumption that the sole way LDN works is by blocking the opioid receptors for a few hours (they present it as though when you take their recommended doses of 1.5-5mg the opioid receptors are fully blocked for 2-4 hours and then suddenly unblocked, which makes no sense) and your body responds to this blockade by producing more endorphins, which can then affect you after the blockade wears off. They concluded that if the blockade doesn't occur during the specific hours in which your body supposedly (according to them) makes all of its endorphins that the naltrexone won't increase endorphin production and will therefore have no benefit to anyone. Well, it's a lot more complex than that, I think this comes from theories from over 20 years ago when much less was understood about LDN and the body's endogenous opioid system, and then has been repeated as gospel ever since.

I heard an interview with Dr. Ian Zagon (an LDN proponent) where he said he was partly responsible for starting the "LDN should only be taken at night" rumour because he'd suggested before bedtime dosing simply for the reason that he thought you wouldn't want your opioid receptors blocked during the day but now his advice is to take it whenever you want (but just once a day according to him), especially if you find it adversely affects your sleep quality. Not that I agree with everything he says, but I do agree that there is insufficient evidence to support everyone being told to only take it at night.

I think I will mostly try to continue taking it at night for now though, but we'll see.

There are a lot of pervasive myths, claims and pseudo-science surrounding LDN, (including on some of the most popular LDN websites unfortunately), and certain people promote it as a panacea that treats everything. So be aware of that when reading about it and look for evidence and people's experiences as opposed to just believing everything you read. The fact that some people make it sound like snake-oil doesn't mean it doesn't actually work or that there isn't real evidence behind it. Some studies can be found in my earlier blog posts.

My hope is that writing this blog will help me understand my own issue better, as well as give me people to talk to about my problem.

Why I need to quit amphetamines:

I took amphetamines for around 4 months last Spring, and stopped after then end of the semester, after doing pretty bad academically from having such a fucked up schedule and not taking care of myself. I was sleeping UNHUMAN amounts at college, sometimes only sleeping 3-4 times in a week. I never slept more than about 5 times a week. My face was VERY noticably changed after just ONE SEMESTER. I stopped taking amphetamines for a LONG time, a good full 6 months.

I started again 2 months ago, after getting some Vyvanse from a friend. So now I'm prescribed Adderall again, but the changed appearance in my face is KILLING me.

I am self-conscious as hell about it. My eyelids are permanently kinda baggy/droopy, it's like I just have too much eyelid. My cheeks each have two lines across them, one at the top of my shallow-out cheeks, and the other is a deep nasolabial fold. It's terrible, I look like a drug user just from looking at my FACE. Doesn't that sound terrible? Who wants their face of all things to look like you use drugs... My lips are all beak-like too, it really sucks. My body in general is aged, my face is thinned out, I'm hurting my body. I'm self-conscious about my appearance normally, but irreversible damage to my face is just TOO FUCKING DESTRUCTIVE to my wellbeing, for the REST OF MY LIFE. My face never "recovered" when I stopped for 6 months. Every morning, my eyelids are super poofy and you can see the rings under my eyes from the speed. Also, my nose is changing shape... I can't stand the thought of making my face look even worse.


The reason why it break my heart to quit amphetamines:

I'm in upper-level mathematics classes at a top-tier school, and amphetamine lets me really "get into it". I can take something from the class notes that I don't understand, and just work on it on a blackboard for 30 minutes, an hour, whatever it takes, and I'm really interested and enjoying the work. It makes me an information sponge, where I'll work patiently for hours. It also works really well for math, which requires abstract thinking and reasoning. In short, amphetamine is a wonder-drug for those in upper-level mathematics classes.


See my conflict? The drug that makes me fascinated in and great at mathematics, is also ruining my facial appearance irreparably. After college, I'm getting either plastic surgery or facial fillers, or both, to try to make myself look less bad. I mean, I don't look like a meth-head, but you can certainly see that I use illicit drugs.

Thoughts?

I took my first very low dose of naltrexone last night before bed. For all the background info read my previous blog entries.

I took 100mcg naltrexone at midnight and went to bed 20-30 min after. I had been having a lot of anxiety for the whole evening, feeling restless and having difficulty concentrating. Not too long after taking the naltrexone I actually felt more relaxed. I had been fearing the opposite would happen. I went to bed and continued feeling more relaxed and was just falling asleep when my partner came into the bedroom and started turning on lights and loudly banging around under the bed with a broom because he was convinced my cat was hiding under there (he doesn't like her to be in the bedroom, especially at night). I was like, "No she isn't," but he said he couldn't find her anywhere and she must be in there. After some time of this I got frustrated and went to look for her - she was sitting peacefully in her cat bed in the living room, lol. So now I was pretty awake. Normally because of my difficulties sleeping I would be very distressed if something/someone woke me up just as I was getting to sleep, but I wasn't that bothered about it this time. Lying in bed, I started looking at stuff online on my phone (I know, not a good idea) and I was reading Lamebook and finding it absolutely hilarious. I was in a good mood. I also noticed that I wasn't in any real pain. I decided to try to go to sleep again and quickly fell asleep (this was maybe somewhere around 2am).

I did not have a good sleep, I kept waking throughout the night and tossing and turning, but this is definitely not at all unusual for me and was about the same as the previous (naltrexone-free) night. I woke up (for the last/proper time) at 8:30am. I did not feel any better or different than usual (pessimistic, groggy) in the morning and woke up with my usual "bone" pain. As usual I had to go to the bathroom soon after waking but I didn't have diarrhea (but it was not quite what I would consider "healthy" either without going into TMI).

I am feeling better now (early afternoon) but that's pretty normal for me too.

So, I don't think that the positive things I felt after taking the naltrexone were likely placebo, but they could very easily just be a coincidence. Why I say I don't think it's placebo is because I am generally more prone to "nocebo" effects - where I think a drug isn't working or I think anything negative might be due to the drug (although since I understand this about myself I compensate for it) - than placebo effects, and because if I expected anything from the naltrexone it was that it might make me feel bad after taking it and better when I woke up, neither of which happened. So, all in all, very inconclusive except I can safely say the 100mcg naltrexone did not have any noticeable negative effects or cause withdrawal-type symptoms (note for anyone who hasn't been reading my earlier entries I am not currently taking any opioids).

I am going to take a higher dose tonight.

I will update this entry later, if I have the time, to say how I felt for the rest of the day.

More about my drug and health history, a list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing so I can easily compare if any improve or worsen after I start the naltrexone, and details about the naltrexone I will be taking.

1. More about my drug and health history

Off opioids completely for over a month, aside from 2mg of loperamide a few weeks back and a very low dose of DXM (an extremely weak opioid) maybe a couple wks ago.

I was addicted to heroin for around 10 years and on methadone for around 10 years. There were maybe 5 years or more of overlap where I was using heroin as well as methadone. I have not used heroin for years and have been off methadone for 4-5 months. I spent over 1 yr slowly tapering the methadone. I feel this was a mistake in retrospect. After I got down below a certain dose I felt withdrawal symptoms most of the time and I think that continuing such a slow gradual taper after that point did me a disservice, slowed/delayed my recovery and conditioned my brain to feel sick all the time, not to mention that it has been hugely stressful on my mind and body for numerous reasons. I do have chronic pain from various injuries (presumably, it's hard to tell what is still directly related to those injuries since a normal healthy person should have long since recovered) but was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, however my current doctor believes the fibromyalgia may be primarily opioid-induced and I agree. Look up opioid-induced hyperalgesia and allodynia for more info.

I tapered down to under 10mg of methadone a day, and I was so sick by that point and continued to get sicker after stopping the methadone completely, so drug-wise I still used mainly: very low doses of oral morphine, low doses of benzos for a while, and gabapentin. I tapered off all those, it's been around 5 weeks+ since I completely stopped the morphine. I also wanted to be drug-free from all types of drugs for a while before starting the naltrexone so as to see what my current state is without any drugs and to be able to properly assess the results of my experiment with naltrexone. I do have problems sleeping and I've read that insomnia can sometimes be a side effect of LDN, so I can't guarantee that I won't take anything for sleep while taking it, but if I do I will make a note of it in my blog. Sometimes I take naproxen or ibuprofen. As for vitamins/supplements, right now I am just taking high doses of Vit D, fish oil, and I plan to get a good amino acid complex because amino acids are important for proper brain function, rebuilding opioid receptors and lots of other good stuff. I have tried a ton of other stuff in the past, but am in a phase where I want to simplify things.

I smoke cigarettes and my smoking has gone up since quitting opioids.

2. Long list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing:

- difficulty sleeping (trouble getting to sleep, restless sleep, lots of dreams, waking up early and being wide awake and unable to get back to sleep)
- feelings of dread, anxiety and discomfort upon awakening, my mind is wide awake but body feels very tired and I don't feel refreshed or energetic at all
- lack of motivation/initiative (this is a huge one for me)
- lack of energy; easily fatigued; feel weak
- absolutely no sex drive
- anxiety is slowly improving but I still have a lot of physical feelings of anxiety in my chest, like my chest/stomach is tight and I'm not breathing deeply, even when I don't feel mentally anxious, if that makes sense
- diarrhea, seems to be slowly improving (I had chronic diarrhea ever since getting below a certain dose of methadone, it's only recently begun to improve compared to then, but right after I stopped the methadone and stopped the morphine it was very bad)
- frequent headaches
- extreme sensitivity to cold
- sweating (I never used to sweat like this!)
- general aches and pains (often feels like it's "in my bones" but that type of pain is improved compared to when I was tapering and compared to right after I quit)
- general heightened sensitivity to pain
- "trigger point" pain, there are a ton of spots on me that hurt when pressed
- slight tremor noticed in hands
- general anhedonia (difficulty experiencing pleasure from things usually found enjoyable, lack of desire to do these things)
- random occasional bouts of sneezing or runny nose, etc
- random occasional bouts of what feels like mild acute withdrawal symptoms
- freezing cold feet all the time, hands often cold too
- very sensitive to everything (touch, temperature, foods, odors, light, noise, sensations, etc)
- extremely painful tongue (and sometimes lips)
- occasionally, cravings for heroin or romanticizing the time I was using (I deal with these pretty well though)
- memory problems
- unrealistic expectations of myself
- guilt
- internet and smoking addictions are worsened
- various nervous system issues
- sometimes a burning skin sensation
- pupils still not normal (sometimes dilated, sometimes fluctuating)
- probably more things I've forgot to mention but you get the idea, LOL

Many of my symptoms come and go or improve and worsen with wave-like reoccurrences or fluctuations in severity of symptoms, which is pretty common for both acute and post-acute withdrawal and many chronic health conditions.

3. Details about the naltrexone I will be taking:

I got mine prescribed and prepared by a compounding pharmacy in liquid form. It's not cheap, but maybe I can switch to capsules if I find this first trial worth continuing and figure out a set dose. I thought liquid would be easier in order to measure very tiny doses and gradually titrate up the dose if I think that's a good idea. With capsules I would have had to have a set dose per capsule. I discussed more about the different options for LDN preparations in this thread in OD. (Maybe after some more research I will post instructions for making it oneself from 50mg naltrexone tablets if anyone wants that info - I know it's not possible for everyone to get it compounded from a pharmacy like me, you need a Rx and it's not exactly cheap).

Even though I said before that I wanted to try just 10mcg naltrexone initially I now think I'm just going to go with 100mcg the first time and see what happens. That's still a very low dose compared to the "LDN" doses of 1-5mg recommended for various issues. I will be measuring it with an oral syringe. I'm going to try taking it at night as that's what is generally recommended, the idea being that if it partly blocks your endorphins it will be while you're asleep and you will get an increase in endorphins around when you wake up. Who knows, maybe 100mcg will not be enough to notice anything, but I don't want to be too impatient or assume a higher dose = better. I figured better to take too little and have it do nothing perceptible then take too much, get unpleasant side effects and be afraid to take it again, right?

[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]
[EDIT 2: added a symptom I'd forgotten to mention]

I'm going to start the very low dose naltrexone tomorrow. I am trying not to have any expectations about it, but it's hard not to feel a little hopeful after all the reading I've been doing about it. But I will just be posting my experiences honestly, whether good, bad or neutral.

For this entry, here are some other people's experiences using low doses of naltrexone for opioid PAWS that I have found. Some are from threads on other forums where there are a ton of extraneous posts from other people so I wanted to copy just the relevant posts from people who have actually tried it (and also in case the threads disappear at some point) but I can only post 10,000 char per blog entry here, so here are the links. Sorry, you will have to read through the whole threads.

LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
another low dose naltrexone thread by jared2112 (on Addiction Survivors)

LDN for PAWS from opiates (I'm not sure which one):
LDN: Low Dose Naltrexone Therapy by Eon T. McKnight (on Eboka Info)

LDN for PAWS from oxycodone (after a quick Subutex taper):
Anyone tried low dose naltrexone? by lauradiane (on ODR)

LDN for Suboxone PAWS:
Low dose naltrexone therepy for Suboxone PAWS by 11Bravo (on Drugs.com)

I'll add more if I find any

[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]

I have decided to start taking very low doses of naltrexone (an opioid antagonist) for my PAWS and general pain/lethargy/depression/etc. I have been off methadone for ~4-5 months after over a decade of being on it and a very slow taper to come off it, and off all opioids/opiates for over a month now. I still have severe PAWS (a whole bunch of symptoms), hyperalgesia (increased sensitivity to pain), allodynia (pain from things that wouldn't be painful to a "normal" healthy person), and other chronic pain. I have been doing a lot of reading about low dose naltrexone (LDN) and ultra low dose naltrexone (ULDN). This is NOT the same as taking 50mg naltrexone pills (like Revia) or the naltrexone injection (Vivitrol) or anything like that. The doses I am talking about range from less than 1mcg to ~5mg. If taken in the right dose it should not block opioid receptors perceptibly. The idea is that "ultra" low doses (0.5mcg-1mg depending on the person/situation) can even be taken WITH opioids to reduce tolerance and dependence and can be taken during withdrawal to reduce withdrawal symptoms, and that low doses (usually 1mg-5mg) can be taken by non-opioid dependent persons to reduce chronic pain and many disorders in which low endorphins play a role.

The theories of how this works include:
- Naltrexone causes upregulation of opioid receptors (this is the opposite of what opioid agonists do and is part of the cause of tolerance/dependence/withdrawal). Receptor upregulation increases the receptors' sensitivity to the body's natural opioids as well.
- Naltrexone can change aspects of opioid receptors that cause hyperalgesia, getting rid of the hyperalgesia.
- Naltrexone causes the body to start producing more of its natural opioids like endorphins.

There are a lot of studies supporting the above and the use of these kinds of low doses. If anyone is interested in learning more I can post some.

I am not going to be starting the naltrexone for about a week, I just wanted to give some background info first. Taking low doses specifically for PAWS is not something there seems to be any research on and very few anecdotal reports either, so I'm going to be a guinea pig and blog about my experience.

In the meantime you can check out these threads for more info:

Ultra low dose Naltrexone for tolerance (this contains discussion of ULDN for withdrawal as well and a bunch of studies)

Low dose or ultra low dose naltrexone for post acute withdrawal syndrome? (my thread, includes more details about how I am going to go about this and some questions)

Ultra low dose naltrexone, lets talk mode(s) of action (a thread in ADD)

[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]

A continuation...

Almost from the start the "Memoir of Naim Bey" was labeled as fake. The situation got so bad that by 1937 Andonian was admitting that the book was not a historical work, but rather a bit of propaganda whipped up (mostly) by the "Armenian Bureau" in London. He furthermore claimed that, contrary to popular opinion, Naim Bey actually existed but could not be found owning to his alcoholism and gambling addiction. Critics had sought out Bey only to come away empty handed. In fact, in our era, scholars have made this same search only to discover that no Ottoman official of that name has ever existed. Others choose to focus only on the 31 purported telegrams and documents contained within the book.

As with all Turkish military documents in WWI, these were sent by cipher. Unlike all other Ottoman documents of the era the Cipher Registry numbers affixed to the 31 documents do not correspond to any in Ottoman records. They are not on official Ottoman documentation paper, and were composed by a non-Turkish speaker- very strange given their purported origination with Enver Pasha. Today very few scholars accept the work as anything other than an outright fraud.

The second strand of purported Mens Rea is the Turkish Military Tribunals of 1919 and 1920. There were at least six regional tribunals held at the behest of the Entente, the WWI equivalent of WWII's "Allies." The one tibunal serving in this regard is the second one, held in Istanbul. Not only was Enver Pasha (in absentia) and other members of the Turkish Government during WWI held to account, but 42 documents were included in the indictment sheet. Certainly those documents would establish Mens Rea, right?

After clamoring for implementation of the Tribunals the Entente was horrified with what took place. Ottoman Justice had no Due Process whatsoever. Cross Examination was not permitted, legal counsel was denied during prosecutorial depositions, the inditment sheet was read into the record as fact and on and on and on. But what about those 42 documents?

British High Commissioner, Admiral Calthorpe labeled the Tribunals a farce. His underling John de Roebuck did the same in parallel correspondance and American High Commissioner Lewis Heck agreed full heartedly. In fact, after the Entente had the Turks shelve the Tribunals, the British attempted to hold legitimate tribunals on Malta. Not one of the 42 documents were judged authentic and all were rejected from use.

Genocide is far too serious an accusation to be made based upon emotion. If the case cannot be made factually it should not be made. To use the term too freely is to disrespect those who truly suffered from it. This has always been my view. Unfortunately, in the Politically Correct climate of our day such a view horrifies most people. Then again, most people believe Nelson Mandela to be a saint and not the baby killing terrorist he truly is.

...

edit

But even when no criterion for use is mandated, prolonged negative affect is rare. As with Peden and Leary, Vollenweider asserts that many psychologically stable subjects who’ve used psilocybin in a reinforcing setting betray ‘no indication of prolonged psychosis, persisting perception disorder or subsequent drug abuse’; he also notes that a low dose (of less than .215 milligrams per kilogram administered) was found to very rarely lead to any anxious or irritating symptoms at all when administered in a supportive setting, while depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, alcohol addiction, and chronic pain and obsessive compulsive disorder still showed improvement at this dose; in particular, Vollenweider cites one recent study that found a moderate amount of psilocybin to improve mood and anxiety in those with advanced cancer; the effect lasted anywhere from two weeks to six months (646-648).

Another recent analysis found that psilocybin aborted cluster headaches (which produce pain trumping that of even the most severe migraines); no other chemical agent (save LSD) is known to work so well against this scourge (Vollenweider 644). The question follows: if a substance exists which can relieve one of the worst physical pains known to man more effectively than any other chemical synthesized or found in nature, is society obligated to offer this option? This is to say nothing of widespread accounts that describe a unique and lasting effect of psilocybin on mood.

On the latter point, Franz Vollenweider advances the hypothesis of a possible mechanism of action. Nuerophysiologically, the neurotransmitter glutamate is widely thought to regulate neuroplasticity (of which abnormality in contributes heavily to mood disorders). Drugs (such as psilocybin) that alter glutamergic neurotransmission in prefrontal and limbic circuitry lead to nueroplastic adaptations; this may help in explaining the sustained antidepressant effect that psilocybin can induce. Additionally, the finding that this drug also modulates a specific subset of the serotonin receptor (which psychopharmacologists relate to regulation of mood and depression) indicates a key role in reducing stress-related illnesses. Overall, Vollenweider states that psilocybin shows promise in treating a variety of mental and physical illnesses; current treatments have ‘high failure rates’ and cost a lot of money (646-648).

The mental effects of this substance are intertwined with the spiritual context in which many advocates reference it. Doctor RR Griffiths led a staff of four doctors (all affiliated with Johns Hopkins University) who compiled a study in 2008 to assess the level of spirituality and meaning people that associate with a psilocybin experience. Before commencing their study, the doctors compiled evidence which showed that early researchers didn’t understand the magnitude of non-pharmacological variables on its effect, citing contemporary research (which generally provides a supportive setting to take the drug in) as producing more positive results due to this precaution (621-622).

n/a

This is an essay I wrote about one and a half years ago. I don't ingest illegal substances. Totally clean. Here's to the day when Psilocybin Mushrooms are seriously institutionally evaluated for their purported healing properties.


‘Magic Mushrooms’ is a slang term for many species of fungus that contain the psychoactive chemical psilocybin (known to produce a dramatic hallucinogenic mind state generally classified as a ‘trip&#8217. Psilocybin was chemically isolated in 1958 by a chemist named Albert Hoffman, after which scientists conducted many studies concerning its psychological effects. Recreational use became somewhat widespread in the United States during the 1960s (Peden 417). By 1970, the United States Government designated Psilocybin as a Schedule I substance, meaning that it has no recognized medical potential and has a high potential for abuse (Vollenweider 642); but independent scientific research has called these assertions into question. While its true that this powerful drug can be quite hazardous, studies suggest that psilocybin could provide valuable functions for society.

Dr. Marie-Luare Espiard of The University of Paris describes Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (also known as HPPD: an uncomfortable mental disorder brought on by hallucinogen use in which people experience ‘spontaneous and recurrent unbidden images&#8217 as a reason for keeping psilocybin in the Schedule I category. Furthermore, psilocybin use does not have to be chronic for someone to suffer from HPPD. The disorder is terrifying, and can also last for five years or more. One eighteen year old patient started experiencing HPPD after combining mushrooms with cannabis. He referred to the symptoms as ‘distressful and highly unpleasant. After being put on the psychoactive medications Sertraline (150mg) and Risperidol (two mg) his well-being appeared to improve, but he still feels uncomfortable in social situations. However, this patient did experience marked anxiety before taking any drugs (2-3).

The ‘bad trip’ is an intensely dysphoric hallucinogenic experience characterized by feelings of extreme dread and despair. Dr Norman Peden of Ninewells Hospital and Medical School in Scotland analyzed forty four patients who were admitted to the emergency department (most due to a ‘bad trip&#8217 after ingesting psilocybin mushrooms (418).
Physical effects were ghastly: eleven patients ‘vomited prior to appearing at hospital’, twelve experienced nausea, nine patients had upper abdominal pain’, four were incontinent of urine, ten experienced tachycardia of over 100bpm, and seventeen ‘were significantly hypertensive’ (Peden 418).
Peden described mental effects similar in magnitude; seven were ‘aggressive and uncooperative’; five became hyper-kinetic; four expressed extreme euphoria, and four fell victim to catatonia. In all, twenty six described the experience as frightening (three patients even believed they were dying and one ‘wanted to commit suicide&#8217 (419).
The effects of psilocybin overdose are blatantly serious, but Dr. Peden does note that none of the patients ‘returned to the hospital with late phenomena such as flashbacks, panic attacks or psychotic episodes’ (HPPD), and that ‘bad trips’ are ‘said to be uncommon’ when ingesting psilocybin.
This analysis concluded ‘no obvious dose response relationship between number of mushrooms ingested and effects’, which conforms with the postulation that psilocybin produces rapid biological tolerance (making it more safe). Also, treating a psilocybin overdose is neither ‘necessary or desirable since the effects of the mushrooms are usually short-lived’; and while the physical effects of psilocybin mushrooms (as demonstrated by this study) appear to be painful, Peden would be surprised it the ‘patients didn't accidentally consume other mushroom species’ at the same time (leading to more physical complications); in fact, many varieties of mushrooms produce extreme physical discomfort, some fatally so, but not any that contain psilocybin. The authors posit that the most hazardous risk of psilocybin use is due to the dramatic ‘alteration in behavior’. For instance, one patient was found walking completely naked along a train rail (420-423). Such a threat could surely be accounted for if the substance is taken in a scientific setting. Overall, Peden indicates that psilocybin can be used safely if taken under medical supervision.
In contrast to psilocybin causing mental derangement, D.F. Duncan, a prominent official at a drug abuse clinic in Texas, cites polar observations almost forty years ago. Even given the lack of knowledge regarding hallucinogenic drugs (which often led to poor settings and numerous ‘bad trips&#8217, early studies indicated that such ‘drugs may have a useful and important role to play in modern correction’. Timothy Leary, professor at Harvard, ‘administered psilocybin to over four hundred volunteers’, reaching three broad conclusions: psilocybin ingestion leads to no long term malady, the setting in which the drug is taken substantially influences the drug effect, and the experience often leads to feelings of spiritual knowledge gained or dramatic insight. Interestingly, though less than ‘ten percent of [Leary’s] original sample were orthodox believers or churchgoers’, religious terms such as ‘G-d’ and ‘divine’ existed in over fifty percent of subject reports (291-292).
Leary’s study was revealing, but it has a major flaw. While the scientific community has established that psilocybin overdose is not threatening in a physical sense, Timothy Leary’s credibility is tarnished by his refusal to believe in negative effects of psilocybin use. However, despite Leary’s failings, it would be preemptive to entirely discount his findings (Duncan 291).
Duncan notes that Timothy Leary also conducted a similar study specifically within the prison population. Prisoners are typically resistant to clinical psychology and rarely have strong views of religion and morality (making them desirable participants). The study involved thirty six inmates who ingested the drug in a spacious hospital room with six cots, a large table, and a record player. Leary noted that there were often ‘common feelings of depression and fear encountered in the early stage of the experiment’. But while paranoid feelings and panic were present, they existed in rare moments, and ‘presented no real danger’. In retrospect, only five percent of prisoners returned to jail after being released (contrasted with an average of fifty to seventy percent at the facility in which he conducted his research). Though the prison study does provide insight, there was never a long term follow-up on those individuals; ‘the full value’ cannot be assessed (292-294).

In totality, within Leary’s experiments, everyone who took psilocybin described an experience ‘heavily laced with religious terms’. Additionally, subjects showed ‘statistically significant’ increases in social aptitude, responsibility, tolerance, and insight after their experience (Duncan 293). Duncan’s findings conclude that psilocybin could be of medical value.
Timothy Kirn reports that a child psychiatry expert at Harbor-UCLA Hospital in California somewhat concurs Leary’s findings, and hopes to open new venues in the form of psilocybin treating mental illness. Kirn notes that though psilocybin does elevate blood pressure and heart rate, one ‘would have to eat the equivalent of his or her body weight’ at once to kill themself with psilocybin mushrooms (making it exponentially more safe than many more legal drugs). He additionally references a study in which patients with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder were rated based on the Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale before and after they were given psilocybin during four separate sessions; occasionally within a session ‘scores dropped to 0’, and many subjects ‘showed definite improvement’. Kirn hopes research continues in areas that indicate special promise: ‘alcoholics and patients suffering from cancer-related anxiety’ (2-3). This expert’s qualified support furthers the prospect of psilocybin being safely used for medicinal purpose.

Dr. Franz Vollenweider, nueropsychopharmacology expert at a psychiatric hospital in Zurich, is another professional who explicitly advocates for less than absolute restriction on psilocybin. He states that psilocybin mushrooms have been used ‘traditionally by many indigenous cultures in medical and religious practices for centuries, if not millennia’ (throughout South America, Central America, and Mexico), indicating that this substance isn’t inherently evil, but rather functions as a traditional sacrament for a plethora of human cultures (who have used it safely for generations). He also notes (as did Leary) that the effect of psychedelic drugs depends largely on biochemistry and the mental health of the one taking it, as well as their expectations and the setting in which the drug is taken; through these variables, one may experience anything from a feeling of complete unity to ‘full-blown panic’. Importantly, such factors could significantly manipulated to produce a favorable outcome; if someone isn’t proven to possess the mental cohesion to withstand probable (but by no means dominant) negative feelings throughout the ‘trip’, then they shouldn’t be allowed to take the substance. While testing this aspect can be difficult, artificially high standards (in terms of verifying mental health) could be employed to drastically lower any risk (642-644).

I feel like I live my life as a scared little wolf in a black room walled with thick slabs of black slate.

I am scared here, I hate the dark.

When life throws itself at me, and things go wrong, walls crack, and massive shelves of slate fracture off and splinter into the ground, threatening to cut me up, impale me, crush me.

Lately, it seems all the walls a sliding in, and falling.

I'm terrified.

I'm sober now, and the walls do not hold up to life any better.

I simply see the fear more clearly.

So, I was walking on St. Marks yesterday—just snatched a slice from Gino's—when I quite literally bumped into an old acquaintance of mine...and when I say acquaintance, I mean drug dealer, and when I say drug dealer, I mean one of the craziest dominican dope peddlers I've ever met in my life with 20 bags of uptown that would send you to the moon for a night. Moving on... He'd just gotten back from doing a few year bid at Five Points, (real classy joint by the way), and lets just say that when he left..well..we weren't exactly on the best of terms. So he sees me..I see him..we see eachother, and we just kind of stand there while the usual parade of east village types walk past us. Now, I've been clean for a while now..so he's not really used to seeing me looking..healthy. Of course, he was upstate so he's looking jacked and really fucking angry. Prison will do that to ya'.
Now, nothing has been said yet mind you. Maybe ten seconds have passed when suddenly, my brilliant mind comes up with this to say. "How was prison?" Really? I know. That was best I could do at this impetuous moment? This cross roads in life when old dealer and client see each other again on the street? Apparently so, because that's what I fucking said. Heres what he did: He clenched his jaw—hard. For a second I thought his molars might pop right out of his mouth. Then he spits on the sidewalk, the kind of spit where you do it through your teeth, and walks past me. As he's walking past me though, he say's this. "Just got some fire shit from BK. 80 a sack. Hit me up." And that's it. Now, I don't know what this exchange says about the dealer/user relationship..but there it is. Life coming full circle one day on St. Marks.

So, I still won't be starting the very low dose naltrexone for a few days. I've decided to call it "very low dose" because it's probably going to be somewhere in between what some people refer to as "ultra low dose" (ULDN) and "low dose" (LDN) - the "___ dose" terms are poorly-defined and are used differently by different people/sources though. I might use the acronym LDN in this blog simply because it's easier. However, for "LDN" in people not currently or recently using opioids many sites recommend a dose of 4.5mg/day and no way am I going to start with that high a dose. Being in PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome from opioids) I am too scared that too high a dose could induce/worsen withdrawal-like symptoms or side effects in me because my opioid receptors and endorphin levels are still screwed up, and I am very sensitive. So I'm going to start really low and gradually increase it if I feel increasing the dose is a good idea. I'll post precise details about the exact doses I take and whether I feel any effects.

I want to reiterate that:

What I am planning is NOT the same as taking the 50mg Revia naltrexone pills, or the injection (Vivitrol) or the implant. Those are very high full-blocking doses of naltrexone and it's no wonder people don't find them effective for opioid withdrawal or PAWS, they can easily induce precipitated withdrawal if used too soon after opioids and the primary way these high doses "help" with addiction is to prevent people from getting high if they do use opiates/opioids while on them (so they only work well for a very specific subset of people). Sorry, it's just that people have been bringing up those forms of naltrexone (and how people hate it) to me and in threads about LDN - and I have to admit I was one of them too back before I understood what LDN was

And: I will be taking naltrexone specifically for PAWS and not while actively taking opioids, but I will post some info on ULDN for concurrent use with opioids because I think it's relevant and something a lot of people have expressed interest in.

Links to research about low doses of naltrexone:

- Very low dose naltrexone addition in opioid detoxification: a randomized, controlled trial
- Oxytrex (oxycodone + ultralow-dose naltrexone) Minimizes Physical Dependence While Providing Effective Analgesia: A Randomized Controlled Trial
- Ultra-Low-Dose Naltrexone Decreases Dependence and Addictive Properties of Opioids
- Chronic very low dose naltrexone administration attenuates opioid withdrawal expression
- Ultra-low-dose naloxone suppresses opioid tolerance, dependence and associated changes in mu opioid receptor–G protein coupling and Gβγ signaling
- Early outcomes following low dose naltrexone enhancement of opioid detoxification
- Low-Dose Naltrexone Therapy Improves Active Crohn's Disease
- A pilot trial of low-dose naltrexone in primary progressive multiple sclerosis [found that β-endorphin levels were increased]
- Low-dose naltrexone for disease prevention and quality of life
- Pain Tolerance in Opioid Addicts On and Off Naltrexone Pharmacotherapy: A Pilot Study
- Fibromyalgia Symptoms Are Reduced by Low-Dose Naltrexone: A Pilot Study
- Ultra-low dose naltrexone attenuates chronic morphine-induced gliosis in rats
- Ultra-low dose naltrexone enhances cannabinoid-induced antinociception
- Low dose naltrexone administration in morphine dependent rats attenuates withdrawal-induced norepinephrine efflux in forebrain
- There is a source that I can't find right now that states that low doses of naltrexone raise endorphins just as much as high doses; I'll post it when I find it. (High doses of naltrexone might potentially block the endorphins from working properly on receptors, the theory is that low doses should not).

Tomorrow I will post:

- A list of the symptoms I am currently experiencing so I can easily compare if any improve or worsen after I start the naltrexone.

- More about my drug and health history.

- Links to other people's blogs or posts about using LDN for PAWS (these are very hard to find so I figured I'd share them).

So check back if you are interested. And feel free to ask any questions in the comments section below.

[EDIT: changed title to differentiate as I will use "Day 1" etc once I actually start the naltrexone; added categories]

I haven't been well lately. I don't know what else to say besides that or what to do that I haven't already been doing. I'm kind of stuck and wish I'd just get unstuck.

Life is hard.

A continuation...

I rarely post on Opiophile. It is almost entirely devoted to drugs and once a junkie reaches a certain point in life he no longer gets high, he simply maintains. Posting on Drugs Forums doesn't act as a "Trigger" for me. I simply find it boring to see basically the same questions asked over and over. I remain fairly active on BL because of this blog and because CE and P Forum is fairly well rounded.

Every once in a while though I check in at Opiophile. In its Lounge Forum there is a tiny sub-forum, "World Politics." It doesn't have very many threads but I examined it to see what had been posted since my last visit several months before. I was a bit suprised to see a thread relating to Israel's last campaign against Gaza, "Pillar of Defense." The poster discussed the Hacker Collective "Anonymous" and how it had shut down vital Israeli Government websites at thr height of Pillar of Defense.

The problem is, Anonymous did nothing of the sort. It claimed it had, yes, but other than a static Tourism page that had several minutes of on and off behavior Israel's intranet (as opposed to "internet") was uneffected. Anonymous claimed it was undertaking its endeavour because, according to Anonymous, an Israeli Government spokesperson allegedly threatened to shut down Gaza's internet. Aside from no Israeli official ever saying this, it would hurt Israel immensely were it to actually happen.

Israel owns the conduits that supply Gaza's internet service providers. In other words, Israeli SIGINT (Signals Intelligence) gains treasure troves of information via these conduits. Shutting it down would lead to Gazans accessing the internet via Egypt and would represent a catastrophic failure for Israel intelligence cabilities.

So I pointed all this out and predictably the conversation immediately shifted to Israel's "genocide" against "Palestinians" and how Jews (not Israelis) treat "Palestinians" in much the same way Nazi Germany treated Jews. I then pointed out that the Germans never allowed Jews water parks, equestrian clubs with lessons and polo matches, amusement parks, world class golfcourses, a 5 Star hotel, Olympic-sized swimming pools, Western-ste malls, Michelin-rated bistros and on and on- the way Israel has allowed for Gazans. I reminded posters that while Jews were being made into lampshades, wallets and book bindings and Jewish infants were being injected with antifreeze and placed in freezers, Gazans have gone from zero universities in 1967- the 1st year in which Israel controlled Gaza- to 7 in 2013, from zero primary health care facilities to roughly 260, from zero hospitals to 12 and so on and so forth.

Somehow the conversation segued to the "Armenian Genocide," the "Bosnian Genocide" and the "Rwandan Genocide." I replied that of the 3 only Rwanda qualifies as genocide. One poster, a Mod, took great exception over my denial of the so called "Armenian Genocide." I explained that before you can begin to weigh incidents or actions as to whether or not they do in fact constitute "genocide" there is a precursor that MUST be established, "Mens Rea." Literally translated as "Guilty Mind," which relates to premeditation. This must be proven via written orders, Government publications, officials' depositions.

In this case there are two strands of evidence that purport to contain this. The first is the "Memoir of Naim Bey" (London: Hodder and Stoughton) (1920) by Aram Andonian. The story goes that a leader of the Armenian Insurgency in Ottoman Turkey paid a small fortune for the handwritten memoir of an Ottoman official who had worked in Aleppo during the period in question. The memoir purportedly contained 31 telegrams and military orders personally signed by then-Minister of the Interior Enver Pasha in which Enver ordered the destriction of the Armenian People.

The Insurgency leader entrusted the purchased materiel to Aram Andonian for the latter to transport from Syria to Europe where it was to be published in Andonian's own name.

To be continued...

i haven't a clue about a decent title. i UA'd most of my recent blog posts. i still want to write and post here but i realized that our mutual friends can read them. and a few of them have started to noticed that something isn't quite right... prolly cause unglued suck at lying and suck at being tactful.

it still seems like breaking up/divorcing is inevitable. we've gone thru all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

a few people seem to think this is sudden and out of nowhere. but if one has known us for a long time (or read my blog/journal), they would realize that these issues aren't really new. and that this is more like we finally admitted things aren't right. i've been asked why we don't want to fix things. and i think it is because once we get used to the idea of not being unglued and a_c, nothing is changing.

i've seen other couples break up where they remain good friends. they occasionally have some resentment and dislikes about the relationship. but overall, they just realized it wasn't working.

the first time i saw a break up like this was when i was nanny. the mom had recently split from her ex and moved to ohio. she and the ex still owned a ski house and vacationed there together at xmas (that was a really strange trip at first. but after i got over my initial shock, it was a fun trip even tho i spent most of it taking care of the kid). the mom visited the ex on a pretty regular basis and they still professed to love each other. i suppose it is working, because both the mom and the ex are remarried with kids (and have been remarried for 8-10 years). another random tidbit, the mom and new husband got married at the ski house jointly owned by the mom and ex. and the ex and his wife attended the small wedding (i think there were maybe 30 people there total).

another long time couple recently broke up because one half wanted to move away. the other person did not so they split up. as far as i know, they are still on good terms, altho it is hard to remain close when you are living in separate continents. the last couple i know of that split amicably reminded me a lot of unglued and myself. the end of their relationship seemed similar to ours too.

or maybe this isn't the end. maybe it is break? or maybe we are fooling ourselves by thinking we can divorce while preserving our friendship? maybe i am too focused on moving and not enough on the end of the relationship?

i sorta pity the few people i trust to talk to in RL. those people have gotten a fairly steady stream of texts about my thoughts on the matter. but they are all very patient and encouraging. as for talking to unglued, we just keep asking each other a lot of unanswerable questions. are we making the right decision? why in the world do we feel closer now after the talk than before? will our friends still remain both our friends? won't the apartment be rather lonely when i move out? why don't we feel so sure about this anymore?

And this is the other myth - addiction is not a discrete state. Addiction is a lengthy progression into unsustainable use. And drug users will find genuinely perceiving themselves as addicted as very difficult. They will say it because it is expected of them, because it is a label that will be put on them, and eventually you begin to perceive yourself as such. Addiction, too, seems like a very final statement of submission: you are beholden to your drug, you are to be treated as an untrustworthy, pitiable, dangerous creature, capable of nothing worthwhile and everything questionable. The key is self-belief. I am willing to admit I am addicted, but I am one of the many, many functioning addicts. I am an addict but I am not desperate, broken, hopeless, useless, dangerous. I can still operate in society's system despite being addicted. It's not the end of the road.


But the insidious nature means the end of that road, once stretching into the horizon and clearly signposted, becomes unclear and indistinguishable. You alter your reality to suit your initial vision of the impossibly far-off cliff face at the end of the road, from which you fall sharply to rock bottom. You change your rules. "I'll never..." god knows how many times I have broken that promise to myself; never gratuitously, always with justification. Have I justified it because I realise I can still function despite it? Or because my mind refuses me to think of my behaviour as unacceptable and unconscionable? All I know is that by the time I come to doing them, I cannot recall just how or why I felt so strongly against it. I'll never get high without this particular friend that first introduced me. I'll never get high around non-using friends who don't approve. I'll never get high on a weekday. I'll never get high for longer than a night. I'll never get high in the daytime. I'll never get high at home. I'll never get high alone. I'll never be high around my family. Listing them all now I marvel at the notion of my stringentness. I can no longer fathom the logic behind it: I've pushed the boat out. I've been high pretty much everywhere.

Of course, certain milestones stand out amongst what I have thus far expressed as as one singular event -growing in magnitude only through the tiniest of increments - which were perhaps seismic. It is interesting that these events are vivid, because just how the mechanisms of many drugs alter our conscious perceptions, it feels as if the craving for them alters my memories, as if my subconcious is subverting me. After 3-4 day binges your spirit is well and truly broken. In those hideously low moments I can recall vowing to never get high again. And even though when I wake up after finally resting I feel immeasurably better I cling to that feeling. I motivate myself with it. But it quickly dissipates. I only have the memory of having a memory of being utterly desolate, hopeless and avowed to quit. Suddenly I am left feeling amusingly trivial, hyterical even - oh how pathetic! I feel absolutely fine. I can't believe I reallhy felt like that; I couldn't have! You're exaggerating the harm... it's really nothing. You just need to take it easy next time!





I remember doing it at home, alone, in the daytime for the first time. This was a big mistake. I was having friends over later that night and thought, why not a little early? My friends were vehemently anti-drug and I used to chop lines pre-prepared, my very own "And here's one I made earlier", sadly Blue Peter never catered to surreptitious drug use. I actually did an Andre Agassi and just went on a cleaning binge. I was the same. Tidied the room, danced to music, generally felt great. And in that mundane two hours I had normalised the feeling I craved but had confined to social events. I was always addicted to the confidence. I didn't need the calming effects of weed. I didn't mind alcohol but I required such great amounts to enjoy it that it was such a knockout: no-one likes the shambolic delirium of being drunk, but you do enjoy not caring.



The unique effect I found with stimulants was that it removed inhibitions but instead of detracting from processes of thought, it enhanced them. I felt sharper, wittier, funnier, more interesting, more able to articulate how I felt and what I thought. In fact, I could express myself better than I ever had done before. For someone with a tendency for relentless ruminations who could maintain no better than a chaotic link between full complexity of thoughts and verbalisation of them, it was a feeling of unbridled happiness. I no longer felt boring. I no longer felt embarrassed to speak up, or plagued by self-doubts and self-loathings that would manifest as a reticence to ever offer up a thought in unfamiliar surroundings lest I be misinterpreted and ostracized: suddenly everything was clear. I feared no one and nothing, and I embraced everyone and everything. I suddenly wanted to talk to people and just bask in what empathy we could generate, not be ever fearful of what awkwardness or disconnection might arise. I made friends. I strengthened friendships I had. I opened up to people I'd never opened up to before, and vice versa. Every night out I would stroll, pupils dilated, jaw gyrating, thoughts endlessly spilling. I would cogitate on every interest I had or issue I felt important, and as my mind raced my heart would soar. No matter what happens in my life - not just with regards to drugs, but generally - I will always cherish that series of nights. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Each and every one was a self-contained joy.




I came to associate excitement with every single aspect of my experiences. I loved moving the powder into smaller packets in my room beforehand, I loved cutting the straw up, I loved choosing an old card to chop it with. I loved the whole process of snorting. Chopping the line up would bring immense satisfaction and a brief pause to look down upon my creation with pride before snorting. I loved the feeling of it thrashing the nasal passages, rarely without at leats a faint sting; some stoppd by one of the body's natural defences, mucus, dripping down the back of my throat in a mix and burning on the way down. I'd often use the inside of my passport as a 'snorting pad'. The smell lingers even now, and did even when I stopped for months. Every time I had to use my passport I'd smell it, a weird chemical vanilla of a scent, but absolutey intoxicating. I'd take a deep breath of the surface every now and then and the smell alone would induce excitement. For a moment or two that wonderful soar would return to my heart before it was gone again. I have read that the olfactory system has a very direct link with memory, and can elicit some of the most powerful memories; I can certainly attest to that. Whilst my mind was a never ending spiral of emotions and I could never unquestionably associate the drug with happiness and good times, that scent lingering on my passport was like a direct route to the purest memory my mind had recorded.

They say "you're always chasing that first high". It is another well-rehearsed drug 'fact' that people like to trot out. Whilst the statement is definitely inaccurate, I would concede that the underlying principle is valid. I am so jealous of my own early (the first 6-8 months or so) enjoyment; I could snort gram after gram without repurcussion, I also needed less to get going, and the stuff was undoubtedly of a higher quality. Now every line leaves a bloodied, mucusy mess behind in my nasal passages. The stuff is cut with some kind of awful corrosive element, and I need so much more of it just to get a feeling of anything.



And then it became less of a typical tale of enjoyable youthful excess. Some of the humour was lost. I could tell people about debating the meaning of life with a taxi driver or getting home at 6am still completely sped and concluding it's a good time to walk the dog and elicit easy laughs, but I doubt they would laugh so openly and so freely at being told I was not only still awake after 48 hours and losing all grip on reality, but still dosing. I experienced delusions and paranoia - this is no effect of the drug, but of lack of sleep. Typically you could not eat or sleep for 18 hours and feel perfectly fine. Indeed chewing and swallowing became an unpleasant difficulty and I had no appetite. I would perhaps eat a bowl or two of cereal over a few days. I'd be awake and still feeling good, but there is only so long the body can sustain such a deception and the paranoia and delusions where the manifestations of a fractured mind losing control of all its faculties. I cannot overestimate the reality of these incidents: I would be convinced people were coming to get me. I was about to exposed as this reckless, dangerous drug user. Being in public in that state is unbearable, given you are convinced everyone is talking about you. It's very odd: you catch the odd sliver of a snippet, it's actually almost nothing other than the sound of muffled whispers, but your brain interprets those sound waves as nefarious conspiracies to either threaten or judge you. In my case it was often the latter: I was convinced that the everyday furtive glances public transport passengers are sometimes forced to exchange were indeed heartless and knowing sneers, subtle expressions of the fact that they knew I was crazed, sleep-deprived, drugged, dishevelled, a mess. Every sound became suspicious.

I joined Urban 75 in 2004, as I recall, and Opiophile in 2005. Urban 75 is a London-based website slash forum that is quite similar to BL. There is a very weak Drugs Forum which encompasses ALL psychoactives. However, the World Politics Forum had a sub-forum concerning the Middle East and this was basically the reason I joined.

I didn't realise when I joined that it was almost entirely Leftist, in fact Hard Left, and so almost immediately I began catching shit over my views concerning Israel. If you are familiar with my posting on BL's CE and P Forum you might imagine that I am some sort of Israeli Apologist, never seeing Israel at fault on any issue. The truth is, like any rational adult I have plenty of problems with my country but unlike most on BL I know the country quite well and have been dealing with the same accusations for decades. While BLers repeat the same tired propaganda over and over ad naseum, I simply respond with factual and almost entirely unemotional explanations. If you tell me that Israel is committing genocide against "Palestinians" I will correctly tell you that since 1948 their life expectany rose from 44 to 78 and their infant mortality decreased more than 5-fold. Moreover, their population has risen from 1 million to nearly 18 millon! The endgame in genocide is the extermination of a people, not to help them increase 17-fold.

If instead, BLers chose to focus on how the Hate Law is unevenly applied with only Jews being charged, or how the Government is dead wrong to give religious Jews military exemptions simply because they study Scripture, I will say "yepper doodle" all day long. This never happens. All that is produced is the same redundant propaganda soundbites over and over.

On Urban 75 there were disgusting people (aren't there some on all sites?). I remember once discussing the "Ramallah Lynching." In this event, which took place in 2000 during Intifadeh II, 2 IDF Reservists were driving to their post near Ramallah, the "Palestinian" capital, located in the so called "West Bank." Not familiar with Ramallah they made a wrong turn and found themselves smack dab in the middle of a street demonstration which was in front of Ramallah's Central Police Station.

As always, International Media outlets were covering the event, and Israeli TV stations were running live feeds. Israel, and to a lesser degree the world watched in horror as the mob dragged the two men, wearing civilian clothes, from a personal automobile of one of the Reservists. Beating the men terribly the crowd dragged both into the police station. Shortly thereafter, they were lynched from a second floor window by putting nooses around their necks and throwing each one out the window. After killing them they brought the bodies back inside the windows and began mutilating the 2 corpses. As cameras rolled a young "Palestinian" stood in the window beaming, arms bathed in blood he showed both palms, bloody, as the crowd roared their approval.

The corpses were then thrown to the street below where one had all his bones literally pulverised. If you ever see a disintegrated skull, the head, the face, it turns flat like a pancake.The world saw it (funny how those actions never enter Western public consciousness).

On Urban 75 the argument was that the Reservists caused their own deaths because they were undercover. We have a Special Forces unit, "Mista'ar'veem," which dresses as and acts like Arabs. The accusation was nonsense. They were Reservists, with the fellow Reservists in their battalion appearing publicly and on television. This is besides the fact that the undercover unit in question only ever operates with an entire squad at a time, 7 men- not 2. Anyway, that person was a typical Urban 75 member.

One day, in 2007 I believe, someone called me a "Fascist." Uneducated people tend to believe it is an insult. The racist bullshit from the WWII Axis was an aberration. In a nutshell, without the exonomic component, it is an ideology in which the state is paramount to everything. I explained this to the poster while stating that I am NOT a Fascist (I was at the time a Centrist, neither Right nor Left). The next day I was banned for being a Fascist. It was such nonsense.

Before it had happened I had experienced some difficulties logging in and so I created an alternate ID. My original ID, the one that was banned, was "Rachamim 18." The alternate ID was simply "Rachamim."

About a month ago I was laying in bed and decided to see if the alternate ID was still in existence. To my suprise it was and so I posted. That same day a petty motherfucker ran to a Mod who banned me again, this time for having "multiple IDs". Hahahaha such nonsense. I immediately wrote to the site owner slash administrator. I explained that I had originally been banned for being a Fascist and asked if the site only catered to those on the Hard Left, and if so was there a disclaimer that I might have overlooked.

He responded promptly and nastily as he told me that I was playing games because I knew why I was banned, for having multiple IDs. I explained that I wouldn't have had to utilise that ID if I hadn't been banned for being a Fascist. Gosh it was such a waste of time. I was disgusted for even caring but I felt that the site, which like BL solicits money, was being unfair to its donors if it didn't reveal a narrow political agenda that it represented. Nothing came of it.

On the other hand, I've never had problems at Opiophile, save an infraction- a warning- for offering to give a dozen members 1 kilo of kratom leaf as a free sample. I figured that it would generate good word of mouth. A girl who was a Mod at the time cried foul and I got the warning, in 2008. Other than nothing.


I will continue soon...

I am damaged. I am burnt. I am clouded. I am broken. I am a penny at the bottom of the ocean. I am worthless. I am a felon. I am unwanted. I am a fuck up. I am a loser. But I can honestly say that at some point I loved every single one of you. Every human being on this planet, no matter what the fuck you might have done to not deserve it. Call me crazy, but it's probably the only reason i'm alive.