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Coz i never took any K. He did an i feel like he took me along with him for the ride. XoXo
Start:
Enjoy ur K hole baby boy. I got way 2 wired earlier, tolerance lower than i thot. Soo, rentd anothr nite at motel. I alternate between lov an gratitude happy b n away from ma an chatn u an Suzy from Oz, then slam hard n2 depression over this legal shit - & ma treats me as a common thief. No key, no bed, my stuff buried. I feel disjointed, uprooted. She after me for mor $,bail bond wants $400. Get relief from chems,get writn,research all this legal shit,an dam i need a place to rent again.it feels like jail she went from mom to warden. Tryn 2 stay outa depression,do half the time,but jus remembrd sent white magic via 4givness to the world without-then meditation,,tears,slow deep breathing,& a soft voice,"and 4give. ." Took an hr but it workd. Ther lota fightn an violence here at nite,but the fear,pain,an bad vibes just split n my head and the fighting outside too. Wow typn my feelns to Erik part of effective medicine it made me remember wot helpd last nite. Breath, send out 4givin vibes to others,then myself. If the tears come the spiritual abscess drains again. Thnx vibes 4 Erik,Suzy,4give again- without-arnt others n sickness cozing hurt to me? Am i not sick as well? Anger an pain lessen an mental apologies to those i hurt acting out of disease more than love. 4giving "them" easier, acceptn any flow of healing vibes from who i really am - "4give urself" i can coz The Source feels like genuwine love. Maybe w guidance awareness an tryn to step back so as i can act less damaged,but practicn daily once agan this habit that results n less damage by tryn to act less fractured at times even b the healer perhaps. Deep breath. Forgive. Accept forgivness from others, Our Source,then self 4givness oftn follows suit. Shit actually reversed the depression an despair. This is wot the shrooms showd me too. I didnt no how to apply this info wen they wore off. Guess i just did. Simple, but not always easy. Got lost n ur K hole along with u without gettn lost n ur K hole. Uve got to thnk i sound quite crazy but u love me anyway. Xoxo
Start:
Enjoy ur K hole baby boy. I got way 2 wired earlier, tolerance lower than i thot. Soo, rentd anothr nite at motel. I alternate between lov an gratitude happy b n away from ma an chatn u an Suzy from Oz, then slam hard n2 depression over this legal shit - & ma treats me as a common thief. No key, no bed, my stuff buried. I feel disjointed, uprooted. She after me for mor $,bail bond wants $400. Get relief from chems,get writn,research all this legal shit,an dam i need a place to rent again.it feels like jail she went from mom to warden. Tryn 2 stay outa depression,do half the time,but jus remembrd sent white magic via 4givness to the world without-then meditation,,tears,slow deep breathing,& a soft voice,"and 4give. ." Took an hr but it workd. Ther lota fightn an violence here at nite,but the fear,pain,an bad vibes just split n my head and the fighting outside too. Wow typn my feelns to Erik part of effective medicine it made me remember wot helpd last nite. Breath, send out 4givin vibes to others,then myself. If the tears come the spiritual abscess drains again. Thnx vibes 4 Erik,Suzy,4give again- without-arnt others n sickness cozing hurt to me? Am i not sick as well? Anger an pain lessen an mental apologies to those i hurt acting out of disease more than love. 4giving "them" easier, acceptn any flow of healing vibes from who i really am - "4give urself" i can coz The Source feels like genuwine love. Maybe w guidance awareness an tryn to step back so as i can act less damaged,but practicn daily once agan this habit that results n less damage by tryn to act less fractured at times even b the healer perhaps. Deep breath. Forgive. Accept forgivness from others, Our Source,then self 4givness oftn follows suit. Shit actually reversed the depression an despair. This is wot the shrooms showd me too. I didnt no how to apply this info wen they wore off. Guess i just did. Simple, but not always easy. Got lost n ur K hole along with u without gettn lost n ur K hole. Uve got to thnk i sound quite crazy but u love me anyway. Xoxo
Hello welcome to my practice.This document is meant as a basic overview of the services I offer as a counselor and your rights as a client. The document also contains important information about my business and therapy policies. It is important that you read this document carefully and understand the policies as it represents an agreement between us. Please bring this document to our first appiontment so that we can discuss any questions or concerns you may have.
Phychological services
In general the only risk associated with the therapy I offer has to do with intense emotions painful emotions.b very little risk and I promise to work with you in managing
Phychological services
In general the only risk associated with the therapy I offer has to do with intense emotions painful emotions.b very little risk and I promise to work with you in managing
Substance intake: buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN, ~6:30am. Clonezpam 1.5mgs, oral, ~6:30am.
Well in order to work with my counselor and treatment center I've decided to keep my daily entries in a notebook instead of on here.
I will still use my blog for one thing as of now and that is to keep track of substance intake(since one substances my treatment would freak out about and my counselor would quite understand either hahja
I will still use my blog for one thing as of now and that is to keep track of substance intake(since one substances my treatment would freak out about and my counselor would quite understand either hahja
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dinofilias.com, password withheld.
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the wheels they spin
my only regret is not smelling more pedals. the kind that melt tangible things into necessary dreams of life and looks and stolen memories. im riding the crest of a glorious nostalgia that grips and whirls. angry and bitter then softened with refined blooms of shrugging imagery. the world is for open palms and delicate catastrophes.
transitions
i fell through an autumn rain
landing at the mercy of newly found buds of greening accuracy
what comes next?
my only regret is not smelling more pedals. the kind that melt tangible things into necessary dreams of life and looks and stolen memories. im riding the crest of a glorious nostalgia that grips and whirls. angry and bitter then softened with refined blooms of shrugging imagery. the world is for open palms and delicate catastrophes.
transitions
i fell through an autumn rain
landing at the mercy of newly found buds of greening accuracy
what comes next?
Yesterday, as I went to the bodega to cop a sandwich I glanced at the New York tabloids and saw an interesting cover story in the Post. In 2007 a couple was browsing in a Second Hand shoppe and against their better judgement bought an eggshell coloured ceramic bowl that had a 7cm radius, basically an ashtray.
Noticing, as time went on, that it had a rather unique look with what appeared to be teeth around the rim they decided on a whim to take it into Manhattan to an antique shoppe to at least find out a bit more about their curio. Lo and behold the antique dealer, a specialist in ceramics, went apeshit. Luckily for the couple he was an honest sort and asked them to allow him to photograph it and shop it with experts because, as he told them, he thought they might have a museum piece on their hands. Excitedly the couple returned to their suburban home and waited for the results, if any.
The next day the dealer phoned them and explained that a colleague of his at Sothebys, the premier New York auctioneer, was extremely excited and wanted to meet with them at their soonest convience. When they finally made it to Sotheby's they were stunned to learn that it was an 1,100 year old Chinese piece, known as a Dong Bowl (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm serious, it's actually called that). He told them that there was only one other specimine in the entire world, sitting on a museum shelf in London. If they were willing to let Sothebys auction it off they could expect to clear 200,000 to 300,000 US Dollars.
This past Tuesday the bowl went up for auction and some stupid Sephardic Jew paid 2.2 Million for it. Not a bad profit margin off of a $3 Dollar tiny ceramic bowl.
The weekend before a couple bought a sealed lot of artwork at an estate sale for $200.00. Turns out they purchased $30 Million Dollars worth of Abstract Art.
The closest I have ever come to such luck is when I was with the mother of my Mexican daughter. We got into a spat and she went to a petrol station down the block from our flat in Tampa, Florida. At the time M and M candy was having a promo in which a couple of lucky motherfuckers would win $1 Million Dollars IF they bought a small packet of peanut M and Ms and found a grey M and M in it.
So she went and bought herself some peanut M and Ms and she returned home with only the grey candy, having thrown away the packet it came in, and of course the packet was as necessary as the candy, if not more so. I was under a lot of stress with that girl, as well as dealing heroin so my life was topsy turvy. What did I do? I gruffly asked her to tell me where she had thrown the wrapper. When she couldn't remember (probably on purpose) I began berating her, then she fucken ate the candy!!! I figured it was still a manageable situatuation so long as I could get my mitts onto the packet.
I began searching dumpsters and garbage cans in a 3 square block area having discovered that she had meandered home after feeding her fat ass (actually she had a great body but that was my general mood). By the middle of the next day, after the rubbish lorries carted away all the cans and contents of all dumpsters I resigned myself to my ass backwards lack of luck in my seriously demented clusterfuck of a life.
Mindanao is home to literally the world's largest gold vein. In fact, gold is all over the island. My kind of/sort of father in law Mario- Rizza's father- had like so many men on the island tried his hand at prospecting. He would fly to and from the gold field in a helicopter since that particular field sat deep in the bush, far from even the animal trails that offride motorcycles- called "hubal-hubals," after the Hubble Space Telescope, probably because they go where noone has ever gone before- use to ferry peasants and Hilltribesmen to and from villages.
After Mario caught malaria he gave up and confined his activities to farming and milling. Still, he always tries to get me to buy him a sensitive metal detector to look for gold, or barring that, buried treasure. Buried Treasure is a huge thing in the Southern Philippines. The weird thing is everybody imagines Yamamoto, the Japanese commander during WWII, buried all his stolen loot on Mindanao as the Japanese hastily withdrew just ahead of MacArthur's return. The thing is, Yamamoto never stepped foot on Mindanao and while it is generally conceded that there was some burying going on, it would have had to have been on Luzon, 900 klicks north of Mindanao.
Still, Mario isn't necessarily a fantasist. Just after America quelled the Filipinos in the first years of the 20th Century, a young girl from a Hilltribe near my home was bathing in a river just after Monsoon. As she stood in a meter of water she saw something glimmering for a second or two but was sure it was her imagination. The next day she came to wash again and sure enough she found a 2.5kg solid gold statuette of a female Hindu deity.
Wanting to cash in on her good fortune she brought it to the American Governor of Mindanao who "rewarded" her with a couple of kilos of rice. The statuette now sits in a display case in Chicago. It saddens me that Filipinos can only view a gold plated fascimile in the Butuan Museum. I can only imagine the indignation a Filipino might feel over the situation.
Noticing, as time went on, that it had a rather unique look with what appeared to be teeth around the rim they decided on a whim to take it into Manhattan to an antique shoppe to at least find out a bit more about their curio. Lo and behold the antique dealer, a specialist in ceramics, went apeshit. Luckily for the couple he was an honest sort and asked them to allow him to photograph it and shop it with experts because, as he told them, he thought they might have a museum piece on their hands. Excitedly the couple returned to their suburban home and waited for the results, if any.
The next day the dealer phoned them and explained that a colleague of his at Sothebys, the premier New York auctioneer, was extremely excited and wanted to meet with them at their soonest convience. When they finally made it to Sotheby's they were stunned to learn that it was an 1,100 year old Chinese piece, known as a Dong Bowl (get your mind out of the gutter, I'm serious, it's actually called that). He told them that there was only one other specimine in the entire world, sitting on a museum shelf in London. If they were willing to let Sothebys auction it off they could expect to clear 200,000 to 300,000 US Dollars.
This past Tuesday the bowl went up for auction and some stupid Sephardic Jew paid 2.2 Million for it. Not a bad profit margin off of a $3 Dollar tiny ceramic bowl.
The weekend before a couple bought a sealed lot of artwork at an estate sale for $200.00. Turns out they purchased $30 Million Dollars worth of Abstract Art.
The closest I have ever come to such luck is when I was with the mother of my Mexican daughter. We got into a spat and she went to a petrol station down the block from our flat in Tampa, Florida. At the time M and M candy was having a promo in which a couple of lucky motherfuckers would win $1 Million Dollars IF they bought a small packet of peanut M and Ms and found a grey M and M in it.
So she went and bought herself some peanut M and Ms and she returned home with only the grey candy, having thrown away the packet it came in, and of course the packet was as necessary as the candy, if not more so. I was under a lot of stress with that girl, as well as dealing heroin so my life was topsy turvy. What did I do? I gruffly asked her to tell me where she had thrown the wrapper. When she couldn't remember (probably on purpose) I began berating her, then she fucken ate the candy!!! I figured it was still a manageable situatuation so long as I could get my mitts onto the packet.
I began searching dumpsters and garbage cans in a 3 square block area having discovered that she had meandered home after feeding her fat ass (actually she had a great body but that was my general mood). By the middle of the next day, after the rubbish lorries carted away all the cans and contents of all dumpsters I resigned myself to my ass backwards lack of luck in my seriously demented clusterfuck of a life.
Mindanao is home to literally the world's largest gold vein. In fact, gold is all over the island. My kind of/sort of father in law Mario- Rizza's father- had like so many men on the island tried his hand at prospecting. He would fly to and from the gold field in a helicopter since that particular field sat deep in the bush, far from even the animal trails that offride motorcycles- called "hubal-hubals," after the Hubble Space Telescope, probably because they go where noone has ever gone before- use to ferry peasants and Hilltribesmen to and from villages.
After Mario caught malaria he gave up and confined his activities to farming and milling. Still, he always tries to get me to buy him a sensitive metal detector to look for gold, or barring that, buried treasure. Buried Treasure is a huge thing in the Southern Philippines. The weird thing is everybody imagines Yamamoto, the Japanese commander during WWII, buried all his stolen loot on Mindanao as the Japanese hastily withdrew just ahead of MacArthur's return. The thing is, Yamamoto never stepped foot on Mindanao and while it is generally conceded that there was some burying going on, it would have had to have been on Luzon, 900 klicks north of Mindanao.
Still, Mario isn't necessarily a fantasist. Just after America quelled the Filipinos in the first years of the 20th Century, a young girl from a Hilltribe near my home was bathing in a river just after Monsoon. As she stood in a meter of water she saw something glimmering for a second or two but was sure it was her imagination. The next day she came to wash again and sure enough she found a 2.5kg solid gold statuette of a female Hindu deity.
Wanting to cash in on her good fortune she brought it to the American Governor of Mindanao who "rewarded" her with a couple of kilos of rice. The statuette now sits in a display case in Chicago. It saddens me that Filipinos can only view a gold plated fascimile in the Butuan Museum. I can only imagine the indignation a Filipino might feel over the situation.
I am spending my off time right now with my parents.
I am doing "Spring Cleaning" for my mother, 74 years of age.
I am weeding and raking for my father, 84 years of age.
I discovered my high school freshman diary the other day while cleaning for my mother. In it, I discovered it has been forty years, almost to the day, since my father busted me with a four finger lid *see below* of weed.
My dad was an undercover narcotics agent in those days. I, 14 years old and thinking I knew everything, left my stash in my closet during the day while I was in school. +see below+
I came home one day to discover my father's work car, a crown vic with a couple hats hiding a couple antenna in the back window, not an obvious cop car at first glance, parked. He was home. I went in the front door and walked down the hall to put my books and my purse down on my bed. My father called my named and said "Get in here." He was in bathroom with my baggie of weed, held over the toilet on my dad's hand like a man standing on the platform of his own hanging.
I didn't know what to do...or say...
He said, "I can't control what you do when you are somewhere besides here. But when you are in MY house, you are NOT to bring DRUGS here. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" Before I could catch my breath long enough to say anything, he poured my marijuana out of its baggie and into the toilet. He flushed. It was over.
So I parted with a snark. "I paid ten dollars for that. You OWE me ten dollars."
Cut to four decades later. My father has been retired almost as long as he was a nark.
I was outside smoking about 10 pm on my parents back patio. I heard someone lock the back door and I had just filled my lungs, so I stood up and said "Hey" and my dad opened the door. I did not think to stop my exhalation and blew marijuana smoke right in the man's face. o_0
I stood there mortified.
I have had my medical marijuana license for seven or eight years. My dad knows it. But I don't smoke in front of him. I don't smoke until after he goes to bed. I respect and love my father.
He acted like nothing happened!! SO
I said, "I'm out here dad. It's nice out here at night." So HE said, "Well watch out that a skunk doesn't climb up your leg out here." 0_o
He made pleasant conversation with me for a few minutes, then he said, "It's a good thing I realized you were out here." I said, "I would have knocked, Dad." So he went and sat down on the couch and turned the fuckin tv on! SO I was like "wtf" so I went back to my chair and kept smoking!!
Done smoking and high, I went into the house, got some fruit, and sat down on the loveseat and started talking to him about the documentary I watched earlier. After 10 minutes of talking, both of us knowing full well I was high, I excused myself and said goodnight, and he was all friendly and cool...
I never would have imagined this. Not in a million years.
it was the weirdest fucking thing I have ever experienced in my life.
If time travel were possible, I would go back and tell my fourteen year old self, "Don't worry. This is going to turn out fine! Don't even trip!"
My diary now has footnotes. I want everyone to know that it turns out ok in the end.
footnotes
+In hindsight, I see that I had a LOCKER at school and this was before schools were fenced in, before school kids got searched, and before security cameras and staff. I could have left in my locker and it would have been INFINITELY safer, and I could have gotten it any time I wanted. I didn't know SHIT.
*A "lid" was an ounce of weed. An ounce was generally measured by holding three closed fingers next to a baggie and filling the baggie to the top of the third finger. It cost ten bucks. A four finger lid was more weed in the baggie **see below* for the same ten bucks. The marijuana always had seeds in it and had to be crumbled onto a shoe box lid held at an angle. The seeds would roll to the bottom and the green would fall and rest near the top.
**Bud wasn't measured out by the gram 40 years ago and baggies closed with a couple of flaps.
I am doing "Spring Cleaning" for my mother, 74 years of age.
I am weeding and raking for my father, 84 years of age.
I discovered my high school freshman diary the other day while cleaning for my mother. In it, I discovered it has been forty years, almost to the day, since my father busted me with a four finger lid *see below* of weed.
My dad was an undercover narcotics agent in those days. I, 14 years old and thinking I knew everything, left my stash in my closet during the day while I was in school. +see below+
I came home one day to discover my father's work car, a crown vic with a couple hats hiding a couple antenna in the back window, not an obvious cop car at first glance, parked. He was home. I went in the front door and walked down the hall to put my books and my purse down on my bed. My father called my named and said "Get in here." He was in bathroom with my baggie of weed, held over the toilet on my dad's hand like a man standing on the platform of his own hanging.
I didn't know what to do...or say...
He said, "I can't control what you do when you are somewhere besides here. But when you are in MY house, you are NOT to bring DRUGS here. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" Before I could catch my breath long enough to say anything, he poured my marijuana out of its baggie and into the toilet. He flushed. It was over.
So I parted with a snark. "I paid ten dollars for that. You OWE me ten dollars."
Cut to four decades later. My father has been retired almost as long as he was a nark.
I was outside smoking about 10 pm on my parents back patio. I heard someone lock the back door and I had just filled my lungs, so I stood up and said "Hey" and my dad opened the door. I did not think to stop my exhalation and blew marijuana smoke right in the man's face. o_0
I stood there mortified.
I have had my medical marijuana license for seven or eight years. My dad knows it. But I don't smoke in front of him. I don't smoke until after he goes to bed. I respect and love my father.
He acted like nothing happened!! SO
I said, "I'm out here dad. It's nice out here at night." So HE said, "Well watch out that a skunk doesn't climb up your leg out here." 0_o
He made pleasant conversation with me for a few minutes, then he said, "It's a good thing I realized you were out here." I said, "I would have knocked, Dad." So he went and sat down on the couch and turned the fuckin tv on! SO I was like "wtf" so I went back to my chair and kept smoking!!
Done smoking and high, I went into the house, got some fruit, and sat down on the loveseat and started talking to him about the documentary I watched earlier. After 10 minutes of talking, both of us knowing full well I was high, I excused myself and said goodnight, and he was all friendly and cool...
I never would have imagined this. Not in a million years.
it was the weirdest fucking thing I have ever experienced in my life.
If time travel were possible, I would go back and tell my fourteen year old self, "Don't worry. This is going to turn out fine! Don't even trip!"
My diary now has footnotes. I want everyone to know that it turns out ok in the end.
footnotes
+In hindsight, I see that I had a LOCKER at school and this was before schools were fenced in, before school kids got searched, and before security cameras and staff. I could have left in my locker and it would have been INFINITELY safer, and I could have gotten it any time I wanted. I didn't know SHIT.
*A "lid" was an ounce of weed. An ounce was generally measured by holding three closed fingers next to a baggie and filling the baggie to the top of the third finger. It cost ten bucks. A four finger lid was more weed in the baggie **see below* for the same ten bucks. The marijuana always had seeds in it and had to be crumbled onto a shoe box lid held at an angle. The seeds would roll to the bottom and the green would fall and rest near the top.
**Bud wasn't measured out by the gram 40 years ago and baggies closed with a couple of flaps.
Let me start by saying that I personally hate politics and all the lies, corruption, and mud slinging that go along with them. However, I also believe that they are a necessary evil when it comes to government and its functionality. I feel that along with politics that government is a needed evil because I view anarchy as a utopian idea that cannot exist in the logical/ real world. The reason that true anarchy will never exist for a sustained period of time is because it goes against the basic human instinct of controlled chaos. In anarchy, there would only be chaos with no control, so that eventually, someone, somewhere, would rise up and re-establish some form of government, ending the idea of anarchy. It is in our very nature to desire some form of control, but at the same time a degree of chaos (as I feel the Universe also functions in this manner), and organized government offers us this, even with its lies, corruption, and mud slinging toward other politicians.
I tend to consider myself independent when it comes down to choosing strictly between Republican and Democrat, but I tend to vote more for Democrats than anything. The reason that I do this despite my claim of being independent is because that overall I agree more with Democrats and their ideas/philosophies.I also realize that the winner all throughout our nations history has came from one of the two major parties of the time. I view Democrats as the lesser of two evils, which is actually a sad way to vote but I feel that voting for someone in the lesser parties is a waste unless they have a snowballs chance in Hell of winning, which they usually don't even have that (the only President to even come close to winning on an independent ticket was Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt running with the Bull Moose Party).
Some issues that I differ from both Republicans and Democrats on is that of the war on drugs, Euthanasia, and how money is managed overall as a nation. To me the war on drugs is a waste of resources and we would be much better off going the way of Portugal, decriminalization, harm reduction, and offers of rehabilitation. As for the idea of Euthanasia, I feel that the elderly population who can no longer consciously control their actions, memories, or other essential life functions (as such in the example of later stages of Alzheimer's) should be euthanized to end their suffering, the suffering of those who must care for them daily, and the suffering of the cost that it takes to care for them. My third contrast to the Republicans or Democrats is largely based on my other two concepts and the extra money that they would provide by changing the current policies that do nothing but spend money into policies that help make money, save lives due to the violence brought on by the war on drugs, and ease the suffering of those affected by a disease such as Alzheimer's.
Pariahprose
I tend to consider myself independent when it comes down to choosing strictly between Republican and Democrat, but I tend to vote more for Democrats than anything. The reason that I do this despite my claim of being independent is because that overall I agree more with Democrats and their ideas/philosophies.I also realize that the winner all throughout our nations history has came from one of the two major parties of the time. I view Democrats as the lesser of two evils, which is actually a sad way to vote but I feel that voting for someone in the lesser parties is a waste unless they have a snowballs chance in Hell of winning, which they usually don't even have that (the only President to even come close to winning on an independent ticket was Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt running with the Bull Moose Party).
Some issues that I differ from both Republicans and Democrats on is that of the war on drugs, Euthanasia, and how money is managed overall as a nation. To me the war on drugs is a waste of resources and we would be much better off going the way of Portugal, decriminalization, harm reduction, and offers of rehabilitation. As for the idea of Euthanasia, I feel that the elderly population who can no longer consciously control their actions, memories, or other essential life functions (as such in the example of later stages of Alzheimer's) should be euthanized to end their suffering, the suffering of those who must care for them daily, and the suffering of the cost that it takes to care for them. My third contrast to the Republicans or Democrats is largely based on my other two concepts and the extra money that they would provide by changing the current policies that do nothing but spend money into policies that help make money, save lives due to the violence brought on by the war on drugs, and ease the suffering of those affected by a disease such as Alzheimer's.
Pariahprose
Whether everyone can remember their dreams or not, it has been scientifically established that everyone dreams, despite some individuals saying otherwise. It is during the REM cycle of sleep that dreams occur and in which our body and mind actually gets rest. The invididuals who claim not to dream or to dream very little simply do not remember their dreams for whatever reason. However, this is possible to remedy with the creation of a personal Dream Journal. Nobody really understands the purpose of dreaming but some people see it as the subconscious mind manifesting current life situations, problems, or solutions to a persons conscious mind. The odd,chaotic, and seemingly senseless nature of dreams is needed because the things that the subconscious feeds to the conscious to process cannot be evaluated if shown in their true form, the conscious mind would be overwhelmed with information! A dream journel will help an individual recall, collect, and individually process the meanings of their dreams.
All that is needed for a Dream Journal is a notebook of somesort, something to write with, and the dedication to write down as much of your dreams as you can recall upon waking up from them. As you keep your journal for a longer period of time, you will begin to notice an ability to remember more of your dreams. You are essentially training both your conscious and subconscious mind.Parts of the journal will still need to be kept up with nightly even if you don't wake up to record your dreams. Here is the format I recommend for the set up of your Dream Journal, which will eventually be consolidated into a person Dream History. Feel free to alter the format to what works for you ^.^
Things to Include In Your Dream Journal
1. Date
2. Foods eaten before going to sleep
3. Space to write down what you can remember about your dream
4. Space to write down any comments about the dream and what it may mean(It is suggested to write any comments on dreams after the nights sleep is completed to get the clearest and potentially most benefical analysis of your dream)
A Dream Journal can be highly beneficial to the individual keeping it. It gives them the opportunity to consciously sort out the information that their subconscious is trying to tell them. Keep in mind, not every dream has meaning, the subconscious is known to create dreams of nothing but pure randomness. Overtime, a person will be able to sort out which of their dreams have meaning and which do not. Being able to do this will allow them to make needed changes to their physical conscious existence to further their hearts desire that is buried within the lower chambers of their being.
Keeping track of dreams may also give the journal owner the ability to induce what is called Lucid Dreaming, which is clear dreaming, where you are aware that you are dreaming and have the ability to manipulate most factors or things that appear in dreams. To help increase the chances of this benefit, it is useful for the individual to frequently ask aloud of themselves while awake during the day if what they are experiencing at the current moment is reality or a dream with, just simply stop long enough to in the day to ask, “Is this real or a dream?”. Doing this frequently will eventually program a person to ask themselves this question not only while awake, but while asleep as well.
From Lucid Dreaming it allows for a route for someone to experience Astral Projection. There are other ways of achieving this, but IMO, it is much easier to be successful when starting the process from the subconscious mind which is more susceptible to manipulation of this sort because of its closer proximity to the energy that makes up the astral plane and energy that links us all together. Trying to go astral from the conscious mind requires more discipline, time, and has additional barriers that are formed from the nature of the conscious mind. If anyone has any questions,suggestions, or experience using a dream journal please feel free to post your comments ^.^
All that is needed for a Dream Journal is a notebook of somesort, something to write with, and the dedication to write down as much of your dreams as you can recall upon waking up from them. As you keep your journal for a longer period of time, you will begin to notice an ability to remember more of your dreams. You are essentially training both your conscious and subconscious mind.Parts of the journal will still need to be kept up with nightly even if you don't wake up to record your dreams. Here is the format I recommend for the set up of your Dream Journal, which will eventually be consolidated into a person Dream History. Feel free to alter the format to what works for you ^.^
Things to Include In Your Dream Journal
1. Date
2. Foods eaten before going to sleep
3. Space to write down what you can remember about your dream
4. Space to write down any comments about the dream and what it may mean(It is suggested to write any comments on dreams after the nights sleep is completed to get the clearest and potentially most benefical analysis of your dream)
A Dream Journal can be highly beneficial to the individual keeping it. It gives them the opportunity to consciously sort out the information that their subconscious is trying to tell them. Keep in mind, not every dream has meaning, the subconscious is known to create dreams of nothing but pure randomness. Overtime, a person will be able to sort out which of their dreams have meaning and which do not. Being able to do this will allow them to make needed changes to their physical conscious existence to further their hearts desire that is buried within the lower chambers of their being.
Keeping track of dreams may also give the journal owner the ability to induce what is called Lucid Dreaming, which is clear dreaming, where you are aware that you are dreaming and have the ability to manipulate most factors or things that appear in dreams. To help increase the chances of this benefit, it is useful for the individual to frequently ask aloud of themselves while awake during the day if what they are experiencing at the current moment is reality or a dream with, just simply stop long enough to in the day to ask, “Is this real or a dream?”. Doing this frequently will eventually program a person to ask themselves this question not only while awake, but while asleep as well.
From Lucid Dreaming it allows for a route for someone to experience Astral Projection. There are other ways of achieving this, but IMO, it is much easier to be successful when starting the process from the subconscious mind which is more susceptible to manipulation of this sort because of its closer proximity to the energy that makes up the astral plane and energy that links us all together. Trying to go astral from the conscious mind requires more discipline, time, and has additional barriers that are formed from the nature of the conscious mind. If anyone has any questions,suggestions, or experience using a dream journal please feel free to post your comments ^.^
THE ADVENTURES OF MY FATHER'S WOOD.
BY RLP.
PART 1 (ONE)
The pulsating winter rain pounded my soft skin. I tried to escape it's wrath but the pervasive force of nature, like an unrelenting ball bearing bomb which buries each piece of shrapnel deeper than the last, was inescapable. I turned to Casia, my hunting partner. We had covered these woods for food for almost a week now, with little success. The harsh Serbian climate at this time of the year, especially in the open fields, did not make for successful nut gathering and we would be lucky if we made it through to Spring, but we always found a way.
"We need to find shelter!" I shouted, barely audible over the amplified crashing of water to ground. She responded by taking the lead, drawing me over to piece of corrugated iron which had been mercilessly torn in to two pieces and left to the woods. The lefter most piece was sunk into the knoll and provided temporary relief, we huddled under it and contemplated our next move.
"We can't stay here for long, Casia."
"I know Ru, just for twenty minutes, please. I need a rest."
"Ok, but we must move again soon, we must keep on the lookout for food."
"Ok."
She looked ready to capitulate under the weight of malnourishment and fatigue, so I leant over and kissed her.
"mmm."
"We'll find something soon, I promise."
"mmm."
I looked up towards the sky. It was late afternoon but already the night was closing in and the ominous pigment in the cloud overhead was also present in clouds as far away as the eye could see. Soon it would be dark and we would have to make camp for the night. I told Casia that we should consider spending the night here, it would allow her time to rest and navigating in the dark in this weather would cause more problems than they would solve. She closed her eyes and fell asleep. I watched her light breathing for a few minutes, smiled to myself and hopped back into the rain. I would provide food for her by morning.
BY RLP.
PART 1 (ONE)
The pulsating winter rain pounded my soft skin. I tried to escape it's wrath but the pervasive force of nature, like an unrelenting ball bearing bomb which buries each piece of shrapnel deeper than the last, was inescapable. I turned to Casia, my hunting partner. We had covered these woods for food for almost a week now, with little success. The harsh Serbian climate at this time of the year, especially in the open fields, did not make for successful nut gathering and we would be lucky if we made it through to Spring, but we always found a way.
"We need to find shelter!" I shouted, barely audible over the amplified crashing of water to ground. She responded by taking the lead, drawing me over to piece of corrugated iron which had been mercilessly torn in to two pieces and left to the woods. The lefter most piece was sunk into the knoll and provided temporary relief, we huddled under it and contemplated our next move.
"We can't stay here for long, Casia."
"I know Ru, just for twenty minutes, please. I need a rest."
"Ok, but we must move again soon, we must keep on the lookout for food."
"Ok."
She looked ready to capitulate under the weight of malnourishment and fatigue, so I leant over and kissed her.
"mmm."
"We'll find something soon, I promise."
"mmm."
I looked up towards the sky. It was late afternoon but already the night was closing in and the ominous pigment in the cloud overhead was also present in clouds as far away as the eye could see. Soon it would be dark and we would have to make camp for the night. I told Casia that we should consider spending the night here, it would allow her time to rest and navigating in the dark in this weather would cause more problems than they would solve. She closed her eyes and fell asleep. I watched her light breathing for a few minutes, smiled to myself and hopped back into the rain. I would provide food for her by morning.
Well Monday was a good day, i was pretty much high all day off benzo's some interesting things happened that usually would have sent me into despair (deperresive, grandoise thinking about how my tire and wheel popping/breaking means that ima failure) but since i had taken 2mgs clonpozam and 1 mg buprenorphine i felt fine. BTW i was on my way to court at about 6 am when it happened so i had to call and call and cal until some one at the court house finally responded, and everything worked out the court was rescheduled for next month and there were no penalties or fees.
Since i ended missing court it allowed me to get to calss on time and that is what i did for most of te day. Class's were good and interesting though i found myslef increbably sleepy in between my last two class's.
Now I really did not eat a lunch
Since i ended missing court it allowed me to get to calss on time and that is what i did for most of te day. Class's were good and interesting though i found myslef increbably sleepy in between my last two class's.
Sleep
Went to bed at about 11:30-12 midnight. Had to get up around 5:15am and I did ate breakfast then sent on my way, so I probably got about 5&1/2 to 6 hours of sleep, I slept like a rockDiet
I ate a bowl of (organic, all natural in true hippie fashion)yogurt an granola along with a toasted english muffin with butter and honey spread on each piece. Plus I consumed my vitamin/supplement packet with breakfast. I have really started to notice an increase in energy and motivation which i believe is from the vitamin.supplement packet.Now I really did not eat a lunch
I began my trip at 4.30pm.
I did 175mg Diphenhydramine, 2mg Alprazolam, 250mg Aspirine, 60mg Caffeine, 250mg APAP, 1ug Clonidine, and after half an hour another 25mg Diphenhydramine. Also I have a full water bottle at my reach.
I'm playing Yume Nikki so my mindset would be as fucked as possible.
5.40 - The feeling are intense now. My eyes by itself, and I feel my muscles really heavy. Gonna play a little more and then go to bed to listen to music. I'm not particularly discomfort, and sometimes I see tiny traces in the corner of my eyes.
6pm - feeling a little out of breath but nothing serious. I'll go to the bed with phone, hope I don't fall asleep while listening to music.
I did 175mg Diphenhydramine, 2mg Alprazolam, 250mg Aspirine, 60mg Caffeine, 250mg APAP, 1ug Clonidine, and after half an hour another 25mg Diphenhydramine. Also I have a full water bottle at my reach.
I'm playing Yume Nikki so my mindset would be as fucked as possible.
5.40 - The feeling are intense now. My eyes by itself, and I feel my muscles really heavy. Gonna play a little more and then go to bed to listen to music. I'm not particularly discomfort, and sometimes I see tiny traces in the corner of my eyes.
6pm - feeling a little out of breath but nothing serious. I'll go to the bed with phone, hope I don't fall asleep while listening to music.
I walked around the city with my friend high on heroin with her. Yeah, I know great job of me for going on another heroin binge. So my friend and I walked around the city and we kept doing heroin. Stopping in numerous bathrooms, doing a some bags and repeat. We walked across the city and as it turned dark I ended up near the bridge where I threw all my pain and tears into. I told my friend I needed to sit for a second because I wasn't feeling good. My stomach began to turn and I wasn't sure if it was because of the heroin or just my thought of you.
As I sat on the bench I looked across the street and saw myself standing at the bridge remembering the night I wrote a letter on the first anniversary of your death. I put the letter in a glass bottle and walked there with my mother. I threw the letter into the river and as I saw it traveling down the stream it felt like I was letting go of everything; my pain, the neverending tears and even you. I began to cry as my mother took me in her arms. The tears wouldn't stop and I finally felt as if I could move on. I would no longer dwell over your death, but live for myself and for you... remembering everything you did... and the happiness you brought me. So as I sat high on the bench I quickly realized that if being high is my definition of living then I'm clearly doing it wrong.
I then began to tell my friend about that night as we sat on the bench nodding on heroin. She asked how you died and I told her a heroin overdose. She really couldn't say a word but I didn't expect her to... how would she know what to say to that? It probably made her uneasy too because just like me she knows we shouldn't be on heroin. Hey, she just got out of detox not too long ago but went straight back to this demon... I fell back into this neverending cycle too. I wonder if we both will truly ever get clean or will this be the end of her... will it be the end of me?
I began to feel uneasy as we sat there so I told her I was ready to walk. I couldn't sit there because all I could think about is you. What you must think of me... I wonder if you're disappointed? As I did my last bags today and held the straw up my nose, snorting the last of my dope all I could think of was you. I even felt you over my back tonight. It felt like you were there... I could hear something telling me to stop and maybe it was you. I know seeing me do heroin must hurt you. I'm so sorry. I know if you were here you would have shook some sense into me.
How can I continue to do this? My mother told me if I continue to use dope then your death will be in vain. She is completly right. How can I do heroin after losing you to it? I know it numbs all the pain but one day I won't have to worry about numbing the pain because I will be laying in a casket... its so evident it will happen if I keep going at the rate I'm going and I don't want that. It scared me how my mom told me about the dream she just had and she was burying me. She told me she will not allow that to happen because if shit keeps going the way it is she's going to intervene.
Oh how I feel terrible for putting my mom through all this pain... I remember how horrible it was to have to worry about you all the time and not knowing if you were okay. I hate how now I am putting my own mother through this. She doesn't deserve this. I need to do better and I can. I need to do this for her and for you but most of all for myself. I just don't know how to stop for good. Its easy to "quit" but I always pick this habit back up. That isn't quitting... just a measly break.
All I know is it doesn't feel good to disappoint you, my mother or anyone for that matter. I love and miss you
I really wish you were here because you could help me get through anything... If only I could turn back the hands of time. If only but if only will never be.
As I sat on the bench I looked across the street and saw myself standing at the bridge remembering the night I wrote a letter on the first anniversary of your death. I put the letter in a glass bottle and walked there with my mother. I threw the letter into the river and as I saw it traveling down the stream it felt like I was letting go of everything; my pain, the neverending tears and even you. I began to cry as my mother took me in her arms. The tears wouldn't stop and I finally felt as if I could move on. I would no longer dwell over your death, but live for myself and for you... remembering everything you did... and the happiness you brought me. So as I sat high on the bench I quickly realized that if being high is my definition of living then I'm clearly doing it wrong.
I then began to tell my friend about that night as we sat on the bench nodding on heroin. She asked how you died and I told her a heroin overdose. She really couldn't say a word but I didn't expect her to... how would she know what to say to that? It probably made her uneasy too because just like me she knows we shouldn't be on heroin. Hey, she just got out of detox not too long ago but went straight back to this demon... I fell back into this neverending cycle too. I wonder if we both will truly ever get clean or will this be the end of her... will it be the end of me?
I began to feel uneasy as we sat there so I told her I was ready to walk. I couldn't sit there because all I could think about is you. What you must think of me... I wonder if you're disappointed? As I did my last bags today and held the straw up my nose, snorting the last of my dope all I could think of was you. I even felt you over my back tonight. It felt like you were there... I could hear something telling me to stop and maybe it was you. I know seeing me do heroin must hurt you. I'm so sorry. I know if you were here you would have shook some sense into me.
How can I continue to do this? My mother told me if I continue to use dope then your death will be in vain. She is completly right. How can I do heroin after losing you to it? I know it numbs all the pain but one day I won't have to worry about numbing the pain because I will be laying in a casket... its so evident it will happen if I keep going at the rate I'm going and I don't want that. It scared me how my mom told me about the dream she just had and she was burying me. She told me she will not allow that to happen because if shit keeps going the way it is she's going to intervene.
Oh how I feel terrible for putting my mom through all this pain... I remember how horrible it was to have to worry about you all the time and not knowing if you were okay. I hate how now I am putting my own mother through this. She doesn't deserve this. I need to do better and I can. I need to do this for her and for you but most of all for myself. I just don't know how to stop for good. Its easy to "quit" but I always pick this habit back up. That isn't quitting... just a measly break.
All I know is it doesn't feel good to disappoint you, my mother or anyone for that matter. I love and miss you
I really wish you were here because you could help me get through anything... If only I could turn back the hands of time. If only but if only will never be.
Since I do not post pictures in the forums anymore, I figured I would share a few with my Bluelight friends. Hope you enjoy!
NSFW just to reduce clutter on the page.
NSFW just to reduce clutter on the page.
What if I never was sexually abused?
What if I never followed through with the abortion?
What if I never met my ex?
What if I didn't leave myself so emotionally vulnerable?
What if I was never in an automobile accident?
What if he never cheated on me?
What if I stuck to my religion and the wholesome friends I made?
What if.... my life was different? Would I have ever became addicted to drugs? Was it a disease just waiting for the right time to blossom? Would I have became addicted to painkillers regardless of getting into the car accident and severely being injured? Was I predisposed to this? How would I have found the relief painkillers brought me if I never obtained them through the auto accident? Where would I have gotten them?
It seems like addiction was just "in the stars" for me. Scientists and researchers say that a child who has family that has suffered addiction is much more likely to become addicted to drugs. Well no one in my family has substance abuse issues. No one. No one in my family has serious mental illness. What happened to me? Why did I turn out to be the fucked up one?
What if I never followed through with the abortion?
What if I never met my ex?
What if I didn't leave myself so emotionally vulnerable?
What if I was never in an automobile accident?
What if he never cheated on me?
What if I stuck to my religion and the wholesome friends I made?
What if.... my life was different? Would I have ever became addicted to drugs? Was it a disease just waiting for the right time to blossom? Would I have became addicted to painkillers regardless of getting into the car accident and severely being injured? Was I predisposed to this? How would I have found the relief painkillers brought me if I never obtained them through the auto accident? Where would I have gotten them?
It seems like addiction was just "in the stars" for me. Scientists and researchers say that a child who has family that has suffered addiction is much more likely to become addicted to drugs. Well no one in my family has substance abuse issues. No one. No one in my family has serious mental illness. What happened to me? Why did I turn out to be the fucked up one?
Well its Sunday, at work around 10 am
Sleep,
Quality: pretty good, did not wake up or have bad dreams or anything, actually I woke up at about 6:30am for some reason, took a piss and then went back to sleep for an hour.
Length: from 12:30-1:00am till about 7:30. So between 6 to 7 hours of sleep.
Diet: yogurt, granola and strawberries plus a cinnamon roll and coffee, vitamin/supplement packet around 8:00.
Substance intake: buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN ~9am
2 more mgs of buprenorphine around 2:30(why, I don't know)
Plus 200mgs of tramadol at 4:00pm(making me feel kinda sick now)
Mood & Motivation: feel good, mood is pretty good, kinda tired though and my motivation is low.
Sleep,
Quality: pretty good, did not wake up or have bad dreams or anything, actually I woke up at about 6:30am for some reason, took a piss and then went back to sleep for an hour.
Length: from 12:30-1:00am till about 7:30. So between 6 to 7 hours of sleep.
Diet: yogurt, granola and strawberries plus a cinnamon roll and coffee, vitamin/supplement packet around 8:00.
Substance intake: buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN ~9am
2 more mgs of buprenorphine around 2:30(why, I don't know)
Plus 200mgs of tramadol at 4:00pm(making me feel kinda sick now)
Mood & Motivation: feel good, mood is pretty good, kinda tired though and my motivation is low.
ok so last night i was chatting to model and her pals live where she was at a live show or something. anyway i showed her the rita ora sextape (not all of it but pretty much two thirds). i asked her to ask around between her social circles to see if she could find a buyer.
to be continue...
to be continue...
Out here on the farm about to load up some hay.
Sleep:
Quality: slept soundly, only woke up once when my girls loud po-dunk aunt and cousin showed up at the house around 11pm
Length: slept for about an hour from 10-11pm and then slept from 12 last night til 7am this morning sp I got about 7 to 8 hours of sleep.
Substance intake: 7:30am, buprenorphine, 2mgs IN
Diet: Around 7:30, poptart, small cup of coffee, vitamin/supplements packet, 1 1gram tums(1000mgs calcium carbonate) to offset some of the acidity of those vitamins/supplements.
Around 9 got an immune builder from smoothieking with whey protein added.
Mood & Motivation:didnt want to get up at first but got going and now im pretty motivated to get this hay, and ready for work. its a beautiful day out here.
Sleep:
Quality: slept soundly, only woke up once when my girls loud po-dunk aunt and cousin showed up at the house around 11pm
Length: slept for about an hour from 10-11pm and then slept from 12 last night til 7am this morning sp I got about 7 to 8 hours of sleep.
Substance intake: 7:30am, buprenorphine, 2mgs IN
Diet: Around 7:30, poptart, small cup of coffee, vitamin/supplements packet, 1 1gram tums(1000mgs calcium carbonate) to offset some of the acidity of those vitamins/supplements.
Around 9 got an immune builder from smoothieking with whey protein added.
Mood & Motivation:didnt want to get up at first but got going and now im pretty motivated to get this hay, and ready for work.
its a beautiful day out here.