Blogs

Well keeping up with this diary/log isn't the easiest thing. So im going to try and remember the last day or two here in this one post along with today(so far).
I may try structuring my input into a couple basic questions:
Here is the first draft of structured Q/A i will try to completer every morning.
Header: Day of the week, date, and where I am at/what I an doing.
1. Sleep?
Estimated Length of Sleep (from the previous night) or ELSapproximate in hours.)
Subjective Quality of Sleep SQS: (simple one or a few word description)
Notable occurrences during sleep last night/Sleep EventsIncludes things like did I have vivid dreams, Wake up, and others events.)
2. Moodgeneral short descriptive) & Motivation: (how motivated I was to get up and get going, and how motivated I am currently at doing my job/school work.)
3. Substance intake:
format: time taken, Substance, dose, ROA.
4.Diet and vitamin/mineral/herbal(not psychoactive substances)
part.

Header: Day of the week: Tuesday date: 3/12/13 and where I am at/what I an doing: At my dads, watching a documentary on Zimbabwe, Mugabe and the land seizure's from white Africans entitled "Mugabe and the white Africans."
1. Sleep?
Estimated Length of Sleep& Quality: Went to sleep at about 10 pm last night slept pretty well except my girl friend's mom was on the phone and she is a very rude and inconsiderate person, so she would speak loudly walk through my girls room and not lower voice... so i woke up a couple times until she had finally gotten off the phone. Finally got to sleep in til about 8:30-9:00 am (No work or school thanks to being on spring break. So i roughly got almost 10 hours of sleep
Notable occurrences during sleep last night/Sleep Events: No vivid dreams or anything though i know i dreamed a little bit due to having vague memories of occurrences that did not happen but may have happened in my dreams(little things like conversations between my girl friend and I that never happened but i would recall parts of them) this sort of thing seems to happen to me a lot.
2. Mood& Motivation: Ive been in a pretty good mood all day so far. I got to sleep in so it took me a little while to get out of bed but since i had no immediate responsibilities it was nice. Woke up enjoyed some breakfast and coffee and and did some registry scanning on my computer to help it work better. After that I had volunteered to help unload a bunch of mineral for them and was very motivated to do it and did the job well. The farm truck's tires were low on air and one which needs to be fixed was flat but i was very motivated to take it down to the shop(where there is an air compressor) and fill up all the tires. Also I made my GF's bed and wrote her a little note that i know she will love since i won't be seeing her tonight. Next I drove to a pet store to pick up a rope toy for my cousin's dog who i am feeding/checking on everyday while he is on vacation, drove to his place played fetch with the dog and feed her. It was fun playing fetch and all. It is also quite a nice day. Just got to my dads where i decided to fill in today's entry and do some other work on this blog.
3. Substance intake: ~8:30, alpralozam 1mg, Oral.
~9:00 am, Buprenorphine, IN
~11-12 am alpralozamm, 1mg,, IN
4. Diet: This morning: two chocolate croissant's, 2 hard(but still gooey in the center) eggs, that packet of vitamins/minerals/supplements, some baby carrots.
early afternoon: Two 8 oz canned V8s, small snickers bar & 1 avocado plus a ginkgo balboa supplement(why idk it was at my cuz's and i was like why not lol) probably about to eat a banana.

Let me preface this blog by saying I am not a bigot in any form,all races/ethic groups should have legal rights, doesn't matter if one "race" marries a different one, and there is nothing wrong with people being gay and getting married.If I am going to hate someone,it is going to be for who they are as a person and based on nothing else. SO LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR,THE FOLLOWING DEFINED TERMS IS NOT BEING USED IN A DEROGATORY MANNER!!!

Nigger,Cracker,Spic,Pole-lock, Etc.-VARIOUS TERMS APPLIED TO SPECIFIC RACES,OFTEN IN A RACIST FASHION TO SINGLE OUT THE ENTIRE RACE IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT,HOWEVER,PROPER USE OF THESE TERMS ARE IN REFERENCE TO THOSE WHO ARE LAZY,USELESS,GOOD FOR NOTHING PEOPLE,NO MATTER THE RACE!!!

I will refrain from using the terms in the rest of my blog,but basically,that gives the picture of how lazy some people I work with are...I work in a carpet mill and my job is a creeler. Frankly,its a job that doesn't require much when it comes to intelligence. Load yarn on creel,splice,put cap on cone of yarn,repeat(there is a little more to it than this,but not really much),that's pretty much it though! Ya,it gets hot as hell in here some days(though today it isn't that bad),some days drag by, and other days the supervisors might work you harder just because they are ill.BUT STILL!!!

There has been this one guy who literally hasn't done shit today,has already went off from his job for a good amount of time twice today,resulting n the boss looking for him. He didn't get into any trouble and is still straying away from the creel that he is supposed to be working on. Ya, I go off and fuck off and talk sometimes,but I make sure that my job is done before I go and do so.If it isn't done when I go off, I make sure it isn't going to run out during the time that I am gone,and those times I am only gone for 5-10mins,not 20-30mins like him...He is so damn lazy!

As for the people here being stupid, there have been several times I have attempted to explain concepts to them about what I am doing or why something they are doing is not working.The Result, a blank stare followed by them being offended and giving me a dirty look because they don't understand...I don't know,these people here get on my nerves...I am just to damn smart to be working in a fucking carpet mill...

Pariahprose

First off, I consider myself a Taoist Christian, Taoism is being used in the sense of a philosophy and Christianity in the sense of religion. Taoism is the framework,the shell, the belief that I form when I express my views of society while in the confines of blood,bones,and flesh. Christianity for me is the answer to that which cannot be seen,something higher that we cannot comprehend, the treasure concealed inside the chest, the pure energy of your soul encaged within every inch of your physical self.

So as for what I believe will happen to my soul when I die, I look to Christianity for the answers. Contrary to what most believe,Christianity only specifically mentions one unforgiveable sin. Its not adultry,murder, or even suicide that is Christianity's one specific sin that is saw as completly void of any chance of forgiveness in the eyes of God. It is Blashphemy of The Holy Spirit,knowingly turning your back on the tugging of the Holy Spirit and its purpose for you,going against God's way when you were an individual that God spoke to and told you that He had a very specific thing for you to do. Instead you pursue you own way...

So why might you ask did I,Pariahprose, just spend two paragraphs explaining my Spiritual beliefs? Well simply because as of late I have concluded that if shit don't change that my ass is going to Hell FOR SURE(whatever form Hell may take). The reason I placed emphasis on "for sure" is because I am knowingly violating the one single sin mentioned in the Bible that has no pardon,Blasphemy of The Holy Spirit. Fucked up that I have the knowledge to realize such things but not the wisdom to change them into the positive circumstances that they need to become.
The reason I know that this sin weighs me down so greatly is because ever since my trip to a 6wk Inpatient Christian Rehab and six month Christian Half-way House Rehab in 2007 I have felt compelled,no more like convicted that I am supposed to do something with my life involving helping drug addicts. I have been through a good bit of shit in my life and should have died several times but God has still kept me alive for some reason...Not only has he kept me alive but I have heard his irrevocable call come down from Heaven and speak directly to my soul telling me that I am capable of great things if I heed to the call that God has for me and place my faith in Him...However,failure to do so and to follow His will would result in catastrophic consequences for not only myself but also for those that I were meant to help and save.

What kind of insanity is this shit? It makes no sense for someone who has felt and heard the presence of the Holy Spirit to just turn away from it. Many people go their entire life never hearing from the Holy Spirit in such specific ways but my dumb ass does but still chooses to go against it. I do all of this despite knowing what is at stake

First, let me say with a title like this, you wouId have thought this blog would have immediatly been ejaculated into the Sperm Dumpster of Twiztid Humor Category,however, for those of you hoping to find me talking dirty and saying how much of a slut I am,you won't find it in this blog, Sorry! Lol,now on to my actual subject...
I love to write! I love to write songs,poems,stories,philosophical essays, anything. So I got to thinking about how much I not only love to write but how much I crave and love the attention of others simply reading my blogs. This is not my full hearts desire though, what I truly wish to see happen is for my blogs to be not just things people read but actively comment,discuss,and participate in.

I simply want to either make people laugh or make them think on a deeper mental and spiritual level than normal with the things I write. I do not desire the attention to further no sort of hedonistic or personal vendetta. I desire the attention because when people come to realize the existence of some things,they tell others,more people engage in blogs, allowing them to experience an opportunity to further the growth of their minds and their soul. I do whatever it takes to get people active and intelligently discussing issues in an ever increasing inactive and intellectually stagnant society.

So ya, in this way, I am most definatly a slut. I let everyone possible inside the contents of my blogs. My only intention is to give away free knowledge and personal opinions away in exchange for conversation on the topics. I do this much like a typical "slut" gives away a piece of their soul in exchange for free pleasure and ephemeral catharsis. An interesting note to end this on is the notion that we are all metaphorically sluts in our own way. In what ways are you a slut in the framework of this metaphor?

At work around 10am.
Sleep:
Length: went to bed at about 10pm, woke up at 6:30. So about 8.5 hours of sleep
Quality: only woke up a couple times because my girl friend(who just got back from being away for four days, kept moving around in a dream or something and she was snuggled up next to me so it woke me up. But other than that I slept really well.
Notable occurrences: besides my girl waking me up, no dreams that I recall or anything else.
Mood&Motivation: becusse of the time change it was really dark when I woke up and it was hard to get going. I had the fuck work I want to sleep mentality but I got up and got to work on time. I was in that mood until about 8, 8:30, and now im in a good mood pretty motivated .
Substance intake: buprnorphine, 1mg, IN a little before 8am.
Diet: two cinnamon pop tarts(6:40ish am), 1 chocolate peanut fiber bar(7:15ish am), and the packet of supplements/vitamins(6:50ish am)

Monday afternoon around 5pm, at the farm.
Sleep:no naps today, none needed since I got a good night's rest the night before.
Mood&Motivation: Did a really good job at work, and that made me feel pretty good. Had to run to my cousins apartment to feed his dog because he is
on vacation and went over there and played with her. Ran to the store to get some stuff and then headed down to the farm to spend the rest of the day with her. So far my mood had been pretty good except for a couple hours until I got down here, I wasn't in a bad mood just wasn't feeling right and was thinking about drugs, and I was hungry which seems to always meen im edgy(even when I was on full agonist opiates this was the case, for instance even though id be high off of whatever strong opiate if my stomach was empty I would be pretty grouchy towards other people, now that im just on bupre im grouchy towards myself I.e. depressed. When I got down here my mood improved: for three reasons: I got to see my gf , there was some delicious food cooked for me and I took a benzo... (not good, really)
Substance intake: ~3 pm 200mgs cimitidine oral.
~3:20pm 1mg alpralozam, oral. (about ten minutes before I ate)
~4 to 4:30 buprenorphine 1mg IN
~5pm cimitidine, 400mgs. Oral
~5pm alpralozam .5mgs IN
Deit: 3:30: baked chicken with rice yellow and red cherry tomatoes, and chives, onions and maybe some sort of greens where in the dish too it was very good.
4:30pm Snickers ice cream bar

So there is this girl I work with who keeps on saying that she isn't sure if I'm the kind of person to snitch people out just to get them in trouble and make myself look good. *shrugs* Doesn't really bother me that she says something like that because she is allowed her thoughts, and I know it not to be true. What does bother me about the whole situation is that her doubt isn't without reason in the workplace. People really do this kind of thing, anyone who works or has worked have witnessed this type of behavior in the work place. Hell, there are probably more people who will do this kind of thing just for shits,giggles, and to get their rocks off than there are people who are serious in wishing to achieve advancement in their workplace.

Snitching in most situations is often frowned upon because it represents the breaking of trust between two or more people. When someone tells you something it is supposed to be understood by the majority that it stays between you and them. However, just because it is understood that it is supposed to be this way for most circumstances doesn't mean that it is actively applied as wisdom. The thing about workplace snitching is that the ones who speak of their co-workers by specific name to another worker and how nosy, a "pet" of the boss, etc. that that specific worker is, are most likely the ones to actually be kiss ass snitches.

Hell, I am not below "kissing ass" to manipulate outcomes of situations to my advantage. However, there are other ways to go about it than snitching. Snitching in the workplace is a byproduct of those people who lack the ability to formulate a more intelligent, multistage, and over all more difficult approach to either be able to have it somewhat easy or to achieve advancement. I will gla

I think I adjusted my privacy settings correctly now?

Today Saturday 3/8/13, at work. ~10am
Sleep:
ELS, estimated length of sleep: went to bed at 12, midnight, got up around 6:30: ~6.5 hours of sleep.
SQS, subjective quality of sleep: slept well, fell asleep and stayed asleep.
Notable occurrences during sleep: none.
2. Mood & Motivation: a little tired at first, didnt want to get up but I did, so far mood has been good. Pretty motivated for work, very little procrastination of tasks & doing tasks in smart efficient manner.
3. Substance intake.
~7:00am, Buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN.
So far nothing else.

Recollection of Yesterday, 3/7/13, work from 7:30-11 am, then rest from 11:00-5, chilled with bro(s) 5-11 pm.
Sleep: hard to remember
ELS: ~5 hours
SQS: good, but not enough and woke up once.
notable occurrences during sleep: woke up once and was worried about being able to fall back asleep, dreams not to vivid, but recalled through day as false memories.
2.Mood & Motivation.
Pretty motivated at work, and getting up and going to work. Off work by 11 am and spent from 11-5 testing watching documentaries. At 5 went over to a friends until about 11 pm.
3. Substance intake:
~ 8-9am. Buprenorphine, 1mg IN.
~4pm. Tramadol, 200mgs PO. (no effects noticed)
~7-9pm alpralozam, 3.5mgs, sub&PO(oral)
~10pm cocaine(good, really good) .04mgs(one line out .16mg split into 4 lines.) IN.

Today Sunday 3/10/13, at work. ~9am
Sleep:
ELS, estimated length of sleep: went to bed at 3am got up around 7:30: ~4.5 hours of sleep.
SQS, subjective quality of sleep: Should have gone to bed earlier stayed up watching documentaries, fell asleep and stayed asleep.
Notable occurrences during sleep: none.
2. Mood & Motivation: Hard to get out of bed and get going. Still procrastinating starting work, though i am here and have been for 1.5 hours.
3. Substance intake.
~8:00am, Buprenorphine, 2mgs, IN.
So far nothing else.
4. Deit: 1 cafe latte extra shot expresso, and 1 ham/egg/cheese/whole grain bread sandwhich ~9.00am

Sunday afternoon ~12:30 left work went back to my moms, to pack my things. I had to go back into work for 1.5 hours, becuase we are open to the public from 4-5 on Sundays.
sleep: no afternoon nap so still going off the little sleep I had the night before.
Mood & motivation: pretty depressive mood thinking about drugs, spent one hour just reading on my computer rather than packing and cleaning the room up i needed to eat and take my packet of differnet vitamins and supplements, i had started a couple days, but I didn't feel like eating even though my stomach was empty and I knew it would make me feel better. Until a buddy texted me about doing a little trade.. then i ate two pb&j sandwhiches along with the supplement packet. Latter on in the day my mood improved dramatically and I am still feeling good ~9pm
Substance intake: ~1:00-1:30 400mgs cimetidine before i ate. PO(oral)
~2:30 alpralozam Exented release, 2mgs, crushed, oral.
Didnt feel any effects til about 4:00pm and my day started to turn around frantically.
~5pm buprnorphine, 1mg, IN.

Over the course of around 8 months or so, I have been realising there are ways to really enhance MDMA's effects. To put it bluntly, noone i know ever gets as far as I do on mdma that i know personally, except for one guy did, and he was on my E-diet (Incorporates it into he's every day foods)

So lets just start off by saying what effects i get from 100mg of Crystal Mdma:

- Amazing Euphoria
- A really smiley face alongside that euphoria
- Eye wiggles
- Shivering jaw/ bit of a gurn not so much
- lasts about 3 hours from 100mg
- Enhanced attraction to lights and colours
- Much greater Music appreciation
- Lots of energy for dancing. Much more than without the diet
- Very blown pupils (a friend told me at 100mg, at some point they were completely blown, which is quite impressive for only 100mg)

Now i try to aim for 40 day wait minimum , but my goal is 60 days.
Been using mdma since January 2011.

The main reason behind going ahead and researching is because , when i first started to use mdma, there was a month in april where i took it 3 times in one month, as well as redosing. I noticed it didnt feel quite as euphoric and loving on the 3rd time, something was definitely not right/as good about it.

So that's what brought me here to bluelight to seek out harm reduction techniques and also i was on a quest to enhance mdma's effects.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/entries/...equire-lower-dose-and-lessen-have-no-comedown.

I'm getting people tell me that the effects I am getting are merely placebo, I tell you one thing they are definitely not placebo,
I think that there are many things that must work in conjunction with how great of a time i have on mdma.

The argument i hear is, "You can eat those foods but the process doesn't cross the brain barrier"
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0b/Tryptophan_metabolism.png

I think that by eating those certain food your body has then the ability to produce more serotonin provided your day is fulfilled with daylight , exercise and some sunlight. I think that it does start to cross the blood brain barrier when your eyes come into contact with sunlight, so if your diet consists of the foods on that list, then the chances are that you are going to make more serotonin than someone who doesnt?

I have read a few times now, that after using mdma, your serotonin receptors are downgraded so you can't produce anymore serotonin for at least a month.
I'm not sure if this is true though, but i do notice a difference between a 30 day wait and a 40 day wait, Those extra 10 days really help.



Now lets get onto the negative parts of mdma use are the comedown, the depression, possible short term memory impairment and sleep issues.

There are already unnatural things in our lifestyles, sitting at a PC screen in the evening for example disrupts our production of melatonin, (our sleep hormone) The best thing to do really is to come away from bright screens an hour minimum before bed time.
Some people are on really tight schedules though and are busy with work the rest of the day or W/e so they use their time in the evening to come online or do what they need to do on the PC (could even be more work)

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

I recommend this program very much, its so much easier on the eyes of a night time too. It basically alters brightness on your monitor , its just a program that is left running and adjusts the brightness for you automatically. This program could help our brains to adjust to nighttime smoother and more naturally and thus raise our melatonin levels before time for sleep.


Waking up early and getting as much daylight as possible is also important in serotonin production, however i think the stronger the sunlight, the more serotonin we are able to produce. That's why some people don't take mdma as much in the winter, because they know that their body wont receive as much sunlight to help replenish these lesser levels.

ONE DOSE. Most important rule out there really so long as you have good tested substance of course. Never re-dose, all you are doing is lessening your fun for next time, and guaranteeing yourself a nasty comedown.


Nowadays my comedowns are no longer 'suicide tueday'
instead i just get a lesser effect on a wednesday evening or perhaps thursday just dont feel as happy as i usually do but that goes away after a day.

before i followed any of these rules or ideas i had come up with from research, my comedowns would be absolutely awful.

mdma crystal
Cocaine
Base
Ketamine
DXM
Weed
Nitrous oxide
Methoxetamine
Valium
2cb

.. Well ive done them all now.. :D

Originally developed as a 'temporary diet' for the days leading up to taking mdma. I suggest if you use mdma and are a seasoned user that you incorporate these foods into your everyday diets.

*** Warnings ***
Do NOT consume Dark Chocolate within 2 days of taking mdma. I have just recently had an amazing time on mdma, i was eating 20grams a day up until 2 days before taking mdma. I think it is much more neurotoxic to eat dark chocolate on the same day and the day before perhaps, with recent realization that dark chocolate contains phenylalanine which is the precursor to Tyrosine:

phenylalanine > Tyrosine > L-DOPA > Dopamine
Which we should not be taking L-Tyrosine as a supplement for preloading.


My Favourite Dose when using this 'E-diet' and waiting around 6 weeks break is a 100mg Capsule of MDMA. I have been using MDMA for over a year now, around 14 times, And that 100mg still gives me:
- Eye wiggles
- Full blown Pupils
- Smiley teeth face (stuck like it) nice big dirty smile on my face

I Suggest you eat these foods in your diet and get sunlight on a daily basis, and it will help you to not only have a fantastic time on mdma but not suffer the negatives of mdma.


New users/ 2nd time users onwards should wait a minimum of once a month between using Mdma. People who have using mdma for a over year should be spacing it out 2 - 3 months, this is essential. All of these factors together including this diet should help ensure you stay safe, and enjoy mdma as much as possible!


Anyway, I want you to watch this moveable, Clickable diagram on this page first of all :
http://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_03/i_03_m/i_03_m_par/i_03_m_par_ecstasy.html


So basically my idea comes from research i was doing on foods and other ways to raise serotonin. I know people take 5HTP but this is a different approach to it.

Sunlight raises serotonin levels, thats why when you lay in the blazing sun it is easy to fall asleep, because your serotonin levels are raising so high its making you sleepy

Potatoes as a side for your meats/fish/poultry. Loaded with potassium and complex carbs which aid in the breakdown of l-tryptorphan into serotonin. Source of information: Severely Etarded
(Scientific Diagram of how Serotonin is produced) http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikiped...etabolism.png/449px-Tryptophan_metabolism.png

The foods you will want to eat are as follows: (Combine with List 2 to help actually convert this into serotonin)
List 1
Dark Chocolate (60% cocoa minimum) Do not consume this within 2-3 days of taking mdma. + Do Not consume more than 25g a day.
Chicken
Turkey (*Myth*one of the best foods at raising serotonin, and my theory why people fall asleep after a chistmas dinner is that it raises your serotonin levels that high after eating so much turkey)
Milk (A nice warm cup/glass of milk near bedtime will help you sleep also)
Tuna
High omega 3 foods that increase serotonin like wild salmon, sardines or Mackerel
High Quality Eggs
Cheese
Bananas (Best to eat when fresh, higher starch content, less sugar)
Whey protein (Like that in protein shakes)
Sour Cherries - Raises Serotonin levels + Melotonin , Helps you sleep. (Good for after your experience)
Free Range Beef
Asparagus
Avocado
Pecans
Pineapple
Eggplant
Spinach
Walnuts
Roasted pumpkin seeds
dry sunflower seeds
Oats - Could even be a nice bowl of porridge .. yumm
Kidney beans


List 2
Beans - All kinds of beans are amazingly nutritious in all kinds of vitamins, proteins, and fiber (fiber is something the average diet without any beans will almost certainly be deficient in, and very important for healthy living/regular bowel movements). The protein in beans is special in that it is plant-based, so it gives you a variety of essential amino acids.
Rice Cakes
Rice
Pasta

Potatoes (baked potato with skin works best) - They provide nutritious plant protein, and complex carbohydrates that stimulate serotonin production when foods containing tryptophan, the amino acid precursor to serotonin.

Stuff to avoid before Taking mdma :

Artificial sweeteners: Aspartame, acesulfame k, sucralose, sacharrin, and others
Alcohol
Stress


Also i recently read that small amounts of cannabis (A joint or so) Slightly raises serotonin levels, So this is probably why many ravers roll a dooby after a night of getting on it,
To help them rest and to ease their comedown







***Update***

My latest theory is this.
When you roll 2 things change and need to be changed back to same levels after you roll:
1. Serotonin levels are depleted
2. Neuro Receptors are essentially "rewired" and take time to do this.

My preroll diet basically ups your serotonin levels, But you MUST pair it with a long wait to allow the neuro receptors to finish sorting themselves out.



***Further Reading***

Foods high in the Amino Acid L-Tryptophan (in milligrams (mg) per 100 gram (3.5 ounce) portion), about the size of a deck of playing cards. That is not a large serving, and in a single meal you might easily double or triple the figures listed here.


Beans
Lentils 215 mg
Dried Peas 250
Navy (pea) 200
Pinto Beans 210
Red Kidney 215
Soy 525


Nuts and Seeds
Brazil Nuts 185 mg
Cashews 470mg
Filberts 210mg
Peanuts 340mg
Peanut Butter 330mg (this is for natural peanut butter, not popular commercial brands)
Pumpkin Seed 560mg
Sesame Seeds 330-575mg (if seeds are ground up)
Sunflower 340mg

Other nuts generally provide at least 130 milligrams per small serving; usually more.

Grains
Wheat Germ 265 mg

Cheese
Cheddar: 340 mg
Parmesan: 490
Swiss: 375

Other cheeses tend to be lower in tryptophan, but are still very good sources.

Eggs 210 mg

Brewer's Yeast 700 mg

(Source: US Department of Agriculture, Amino Acid Content of Foods.)

Meats are generally regarded as a good source of tryptophan, organ meats supposedly being the highest. However, most meats are in the range of 160 to 260 mg/100 g, (chicken is about 250) with organ meats ranging between 220 and 330. These figures certainly do not compel meat eating. Compare with soybeans, split peas, cheese and cashews!

( phenylalanine > Tyrosine > L-DOPA > Dopamine)

(Backup piece of writing to enforce why you shouldn't consume much Tyrosine before mdma)
http://www.jneurosci.org/content/26/1/290.full.pdf

The specific mechanisms underlying ()-3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)-induced damage to 5-HT terminals are unknown. Despite the hypothesized role for dopamine (DA) and DA-derived free radicals in mediating this damage, it remains unclear why
MDMA produces long-term depletions of 5-HT in brain regions that are sparsely innervated by DA neurons. We hypothesized that the
precursor to DA biosynthesis, tyrosine, mediates MDMA-induced 5-HT depletions. Extracellular tyrosine concentrations increased
fivefold in striatum and 2.5-fold in hippocampus during the administration of neurotoxic doses of MDMA. In vitro results show that
L-tyrosine can be hydroxylated nonenzymatically to the DA precursor L-3,4-dihydroxyphenylalanine (DOPA) under pro-oxidant conditions. The local infusion of L-tyrosine into the striatum or hippocampus during MDMA administration potentiated the acute increase in
extracellular DA and the long-term depletion of 5-HT after MDMA. Coinfusion of the aromatic amino acid decarboxylase (AADC)
inhibitor m-hydroxybenzylhydrazine attenuated these effects in hippocampus and decreased basal extracellular DA in the striatum. In
contrast, the reverse dialysis of the tyrosine hydroxylase inhibitor -methyl-p-tyrosine into the hippocampus did not affect MDMAinduced increases in extracellular DA or the long-term depletion in 5-HT. These results show that MDMA increases the concentration of tyrosine in the brain to cause a long-term depletion of 5-HT via the nonenzymatic, tyrosine hydroxylase-independent, hydroxylation of tyrosine to DOPA and subsequently to DA via AADC. Overall, the findings suggest that MDMA depletes 5-HT by increasing tyrosine and its eventual conversion to DA within 5-HT terminals

Yesterday I had to put my dog down. I feel absolutely horrible even though there wasn't much choice. Just been eating norco 10-325's all day and I still feel horrible. I got kicked out of my apartment a few days ago, been living in my car. I still have a few posessions like my phone and 357 magnum revolver. My ex gf doesn't give a shit about me anymore, I feel better off dead. I'm in south padre island, thinking of driving our to the north end, driving on thw beach to a secluded area and... ending it there on the beach.

its been so long since ive felt this empty. ive spent the last few weeks in reflection, trying to figure out where it came from. ive been immersed in a pit of depression for a few months and i dont really know what im depressed about. i blamed it on my job but i was just rationalizing something away. i blamed it on a departure from some other endeavors in my life but i think now too that it was just my mind rationalizing a source to my apparent problem. im such an introspective person that ive never been in a situation with myself that i cant figure out, and it has really taken its toll on me. i feel like i withered away this winter, like i was a raging meteorite my entire life and just now ive met with enough friction to fizzle me into ether. winter is always very depressing for me, but i feel this abyss so much stronger now. i feel completely cut off from the world for some reason. i feel no connection to people around me, and i cant tell if its all in my head and im just being a spoiled child, or if i really am missing some primary food in life. i keep placating my need for healing with the idea that spring is around the corner, and this condition will magically go away.

its really starting to affect me socially. i dont talk to anyone, i dont go out much, i just bury myself with work or pot and booze and just try and stay in this detached, shut off mode. im so mal adapted to this state. ive spent the last few years feeling the best ive ever felt in my life. i have everything, i have no real wants or needs. my job situation is almost unbelievably good, yet for some reason my mind cant accept something so good. my relationship couldnt be more perfect. im blessed in so many other ways, some that even if i were to speak of, no one would even believe me. but i feel and have felt so empty and i cant figure out why. my lover is trying so hard to help me but i seem to be keeping her at bay, never letting her get close to whatever this black void i have is. my emotions are out of control. my moods are out of control. ive developed some particularly violent and brutish tendencies that are nothing like the character i know myself to be. im regressing, becoming reduced to a more basic state. ive become overwhelmingly judgmental, viscous in temper, explosive in reactions, and extremely hostile socially. im looking at myself over the last few months and all i can think is that i dont know who i am. this person im becoming, or have become, isnt me. i loathe myself for feeling so selfish, so needy, and so unappreciative of everything i have. i despise myself for my ignorance, lack of control, and demands for immediate gratification. ive never really been too intimidated by social situations before, but for the first time in life im experiencing anxiety, and i dont know what to do with it. im unprepared for this, im well into my adult life and ive never experienced an area of the mind i couldnt handle, and thus have no adaptations for what im going through. im starting to really fuck my life up.

my mind is normally such an orderly, peaceful, and logical place. everything i do in the long run adds up logically and leaves me feeling positive about my path through this world. now nothing i do, in the greater scheme of things, makes sense. i sit and i breathe and i ponder and i cant find the answers. i dont know what im missing. i dont know what i need to remove. i dont know what direction to take. ive never not-known before. im feeling insane, sort of like when one has been tripping way too long and one believes the trip will never go away, and one will have to learn to live life in this new mental state forever. im just praying im on the verge of some major change in my life, and that this will all make sense in many months time. right now i just feel broken in a way that cant be fixed. the worse part is im standing guard over myself, making sure i cant be fixed. what is wrong with me?

im dying to feel human again. i havent felt a connection with people and the world at large in so long, that i feel like i havent eaten anything but bread and water for months. i need substance, why am i rejecting it?

Hey all- as most of you know this is my new BL account (previously went by hthr007). I made my blogs friends only so I can't be e stalked anymore by people. I didn't think my life was that interesting! LOL anyway..

I'm so happy I made the decision to stop taking my hydromorphone/only use benzos if COMPLETELY necessary. This is a huge step for me. Before I wanted nothing to do with being sober, but now I'm chasing it. Instead of chasing that 1st high, I'm chasing sobriety. I decided to quite opiates c/t because I'm an all or nothing girl. I don't have the self control to slowly taper myself off of it. 5 days clean and counting.

PS- here's a picture of me taken in October :D Look at that sunburn lol

the children they grow older and more set in their ways so anything new seems weird and unsavory. friendships are rare in the land of briefcase mornings. a piece of me craves action and i think the more we stoke the ability to desire, the more open we become to desire many things. it's the narrow hallways that lead too well but we're blind to them; too quick to call a door a window.

i kissed his palm and knew i would never know.

the reasons for goodness in that are so unclear.

not knowing is far worse than regret.

It was May 1, 2003. George W. Bush was on the USS Abraham Lincoln giving his "Mission Accomplished" speech. I was sixteen years old, hanging in a shabby apartment on the outskirts of my neighborhood. My friends and I had found a severe alcoholic named Victor to buy us booze when we wanted it. He was in his thirties, from El Salvador. He took a liking to me for some reason.

That day, I remember it being cold outside. I had probably been fighting with my mom. By that time she had already found out I was smoking pot and everything. I was pretty much drinking daily at this point as well. I could walk down the street though, to Victor's apartment, and get some beers any time. Alcohol was cheap and it dulled my senses much more conveniently that weed did. I had been a member of Bluelight for about four months.

Anyway. I think we were actually watching Bush's speech on Telemundo or something. Victor barely spoke any English and we pretty much just had Spanish soap operas on whenever I was over there getting drunk.

Victor smoked Marlboro lights. He slept on a single mattress, on the floor. He never went to sleep without a beer within reach for when he woke up in the morning.

One time we were sitting in his apartment, I think my friend Brendan or Watson was with us. I must have dropped something that rolled under the couch or something, because I looked under there and there was an unopened bottle of MD2020 just out of sight if you were standing up and looking down. I'll never forget the look of joy on Victor's face as he snatched it from me and chugged the whole thing. Warm.

We thought we were so superior to this unshaven, smelly lush from another country. We thought we were better... my friends had many, many laughs at Victor's expense.

Now I'm speaking in rehabs to kids that remind me of me. I'm getting text messages from Brendan who is living on the street (or in a laundry room or something). Watson looked like total shit last time I saw him... like way worse than Victor looked.

And that is what I think of whenever someone brings up the Mission Accomplished thing. I don't think so much about Bush's hypocrisy--just my own. Our own.

Ive known my friends at the local dope house 9 yrs and suffice it to say always managed to be away all the times this place has gotten raided. That all ended Feb 15. The pigs came looking for and got a gang banger that had a warrant apparently. I never knew he existed til being in the back of that feckin cop car. . fuck me yet again, although 7 yrs went by without any arrests. I keep a low pro and as for the hot house, they are the only people that are single like me and have welcomed me anytime 24/7. I even kept up the friendships sober the two yrs I was clean, but saw them every 4 mo or so only-for obvious reasons. There had always been a longing to a very small percent for the highs, for the exciting lifestyle that goes with it. Ive known that drugs to me had been THE most intense relationship Ive ever had full of ups, downs, dysfunction like a fatal attraction. My lover although insanely jealous of my time and money making me miss out on what normies enjoy, a life of more diversity and less intensity--gave the lifestyle, the party,the clowns that use and make me feel Im back in my own element, and finally THE SEX. THE INTENSIVE, GLORIOUS, SEX only given chemically instead of in the form of a male body.

The dope IS the best sex ever, romantic and or sexual liasons with me always ended painfully in disappointment or sorrow. My friendships are the only long haul relationships Ive had, that and 3 blood relatives Mom, an Aunt an Uncle-and of course drugs. A dysfunctional lover demanding most of my time but provides great sexless sex. Drugs are the amuzement park I bring to me instead of me going to it. No standing in long lines, the rides last much longer, and no having to drive 2 hrs to get there--chaos always demands a heavy price however. And I knew when drugs came back 4 yrs ago for great sex, of course he'd promise all the fun and none of the former hassles of bogarting my life, finances,and time-and unfortunately often requires jail time because an addict not loaded driving, stealing to get drugs,gets loaded only at home or rarely a friends at where staying the night at is still committing a felony by default.

I had been sound asleep on my friends couch when I got woken up to 7 cop cars demanding we all come outside to talk. Oh fucking great, I thought. I was half asleep, half panicked the most vulnerable time for me. They got me good cause I was unprepared. At the time I thought to leave my purse in the house and that I didnt have anything on my person anyway. Woulda, coulda, shoulda I get pissed what I shoulda said an done an what I woulda done had I not just woke up. Never agree to go outside first mistake. Told them hell no when they asked permission to search me, fuck them get a warrant and fine go right ahead bring on the fucking drug sniffing dogs, but Im a citizen not on parole or probation I have my fucking rights and have given no reason or probable cause to warrant a search.

Hindsight. I wanted them to get it over with and leave me the fuck alone but knew it was all over when to my horror the bitch asked "whats this?" retrieving what had been a $5 bag of heroin from my back pocket. I didnt even know it was there. It must have been left over from a time I had no Rx painkillers, the reason I had the small amount. I make it a point never to put bags of dope in my pockets-except obviously one time I didnt. Motherfucker. Damn Orange County taxing and fucking all citizens any which way-and do. "Its heroin in that bag. Turn around, Im placing you under arrest." I had an eerie feeling this scence would play out, except it was when I never saw it coming.

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Yesterday I decided to hangout with an old co-worker. We both had been friends first and just would smoke weed together but then we found out we both did pills and dope. Yeah, well it went downhill from there. Not our friendship but the fact that we just started using heroin together all the time and turned into junkies even more than we already were.

So anyways time goes by and we both no longer work at our previous job. I still see her every now and then. We both, however, are busy with school and just life in general. I no longer have her hitting me up telling me her husband has new bags he's selling and I no longer go to her house an hour after that text to buy a bundle. I'm going to school and doing good for once... at least I thought.

So now her husband and her are no more.. I guess her husband cheated on her so she went to live with her brother but first went to detox. She told me of this yesterday when I decided to chill with her, yeah bad idea. She told me she slipped up and did a bag the other day but wasn't planning on doing anymore. I even told her how I was clean for awhile but slipped up over winter break but then I got clean again. I then told her I did not plan on doing it anymore but then after we smoke weed she ends up getting a bag from her brother... I was like, huh? And then out of nowhere I said damn, I should of got one too.

Then she tells me that we can split it and then the next minute I'm snorting dope... what the fuck?! I didn't even want heroin and the other day I even said to myself that I could not fuck this up and then what do you know? I'm snorting heroin the next day. I should of known this was going to happen... I was just setting myself up for it.

I even bought bags after that and my friend did as well. She tells me these are her last bags and her brother knocks on the door asking if us junkies are done. He doesn't like to watch, even though he then offers to sell me coke, crack and everything else and then also tells me I'm invited over his house anytime.

Oh shit, is all I'm thinking but then I'm also thinking oh.... one phone call away. This is all one phone call away. I have a job again and money to spend... ultimate bliss is just one phone call away.

However, I know I can't do this... I can't but why do I always fuck up? I regret ever trying heroin or any opiates for that matter. When will this stop? When will I ever be able to stay clean?

as some of you might know, my dogsitting gig is up and i'm planning on moving up north.
my friend has been urging me to move up since last summer and especially so through these past few months as the area where i will soon be living is a tourist area and most businesses hire during the late winter/ early spring months.
i've got many things to set in order before i move and will be unable to get up there within the next month which would be ideal, but i'm confident in my decision to stay until my one year anniversary of being clean on april 22 (earth day) of this year.
i've got a baby shower to attend in order to support a dear friend of mine,
the aforementioned party which is not only mine but also the party of my recovery brother whose clean date is the day before mine,
and many details to attend to (syncing putting in my quit date at work, tax returns and car repairs, stuff like that.)

sometimes i consider saying 'fuck all' and just going up there with the small amount of money in my bank account,
but i know better than this now. i've moved several times with no financial cushion, and nothing is worse than not being able to support yourself in a new environment.

i'm working on saving up enough to make my car payment and phone bill for a few months if need be,
and am hoping that my tax return will be enough to cover me as far as groceries, gas, and cigarettes go.

i'm slowly checking things off of my list and feeling better about moving with each cross off the list,
i'm doinitright this time

Went back packing for a couple days, only took the sub sublingually, so im not sure about my doses or times exactly, since we were way out in the middle of beautiful nowhere. Could not hear a cars, planes, people or anything, only the sounds of nature: coyotes, snow falling, the wisping wind causing the trees to moan the aching sound of decades old wood. it was a great trip and escape from the everyday grind

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