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why do I isolate when I'm sad? I know being around friends that care is much better for me, but day after day I stay locked up in my room. The phone is a million pounds even when ringing. I perform at work but my smile is a lie. I have a magnetic personality and people like me nearly instantly...but I can't stand me. I have changed so much. I quit the drug that numbed me to a place that I was okay with my reality...now I just go through the motions of life. Would these souls that meet me like me if they knew I was just a shell? Would they care if they knew there was only barren desolation where my soul should be.

I awake each day knowing that no change I can affect will ever turn back the hands of time. I will never get a chance to challenge my abusers with the knowledge I have now that it is wrong. I can never go back and challenge my younger self to stand up and demand what he needs to grow and prosper.

The biggest change I need to make is accept love in my heart. I need to trust another soul with my heart to hold. I want someone to share my passion, be my inspiration, and walk with me on the path I cut with my hand in the earth. Can this poor lost boy in a mans body ever trust another, or am I doomed to hiding away from the world forever. My name says it all...the hurt little boy dwells in side...he was forced to grow into this man way to quick.

I have hope though. Without hope all is lost. Life has no meaning. I bide my time listlessly ticking away the moments in my mind....quietly plotting...quietly dreaming
let me preface this by saying I have been cheated on, which hurts, and my dad cheated on my mom with the woman he is married to. With that being said, I know full well the pain and anguish cheating can cause. I made it a rule to never cheat or promote cheating....but enter my friends girl. She is beatiful, artistic, charming, and funny. She is someone that I would actually date, not just lust after. I have never felt such a strong compulsion to break my number one rule. My friend is kind of a loser, never takes her out, never compliments her, never is affectionate to her...etc etc ad nauseum. Now since we are chilling he never wants to come and spend time with us so it ends up just being her and i . Now she is texting me telling me I'm cute, and she likes me, and wants to spend more time with me!!! What do I do? I seriously don't want to be that guy, even though I know we could be good together. Just one more folley in the life of this man this chef......
Zack: aka manboychef

I'm here lying in my bed, controlling this feeling of loathe and hatred towards people I've known, including myself. I wish it was that easy to let loose and let go and just yell out loud or throw things away or have a huge fight but it's not. It has never been easy for me. Since I was in high school it was never easy to fight back or stand up to my bully and just defend myself. I really dont know why but I just needed one switch in my brain and voila she's out... It's been a while since I have shoved her back in the back of my head but I feel that I needed her again. I wish that when I wake up tomorrow she will be out, defending me from that awful person and making her regret that she ever crossed me but is revenge really a good thing? Poetic justice does not happen very often but her, this other woman, this rage inside me will bring me justice. Do I call her out? I'm still scared, I'm still scared to bring her because I know that if I did I will completely lose myself and mighr never come back. But I would just like to let you know that I hunger for you, for your presence and your cruelty and your power that I've never had.
I leave on Tuesday and these past two weeks have been ridiculous with anxiety. I've always battled anxiety and it used to be so much worse when I was younger that I forget sometimes how much a part of me it still is. Every possible horror that could befall me, I imagine in great detail over and over. My mind obsesses. I have gotten better at standing off to the side of that part of myself and saying, "All right, then, go for it! Get it out of your system." Still, it is exhausting.

I have gotten my pack down to just a little over 30 lbs which at my age, with my back, is about as heavy as I can manage. I have never set out for quite this long with a pack that I have to carry around. I went to Costa Rica 25 years ago for three months but I rented a shack (for $6.00 a month!) so I didn't need to pack and unpack all the time. That was also tropical so I practically lived in a bathing suit whereas in Ecuador I will be in the heat in the jungle and cold in the Andes so I have to cover all bases.

I am getting excited about my lack of a plan. I feel like it will be so refreshing and rejuvenating to have to live without routine, without familiarity and yet to be called upon to find a way to survive. I can't really imagine what I will find which for an anxious mind is not comfortable but then, that's what I wanted I keep telling myself.
So it's the 4th of July, a day where families and friends take a trip to the beach, fire up the ole' barbecue, and dance around with sparklers.. On this special day, there are a lot of couples out and about, celebrating with each other because there's no person in the world they'd rather be with more. Love. It's a beautiful thing.
My friends are over with their girlfriends, my sister came down with her fiance..it's a love filled atmosphere around me right now, so love filled that I can taste the roses in my mouth. Except where is my girlfriend? Where is the woman that I've devoted my time and energey to? The one who can understand me and all my fucked-up-ness..? She's committed to the county jail, arrested two nights ago with an ounce of heroin—and there's nothing I can do. She called me after her arraignment the other day, babbling in tears and trying to breath. Dope sick and in more pain than most people could imagine, she begged me to get her out. I promised I would..But I can't. It's a 20 grand bail, and the bondsman all want collateral.. they want a house, cars, something worth 20 grand, and I don't have it! Sure, I can pay the 2 grand fee...but I own nothing..nothing in my name, and her and my parents would laugh maddeningly if I asked them to risk their assets on a JUNKIE. So, there my girlfriend sits. On the floor of a county jail, writhing in pain and facing a sentence that will break her completely—and me.
It's over. The curtain's closing and I'm stuck on the wrong side.

Happy 4th of July.
I Guess you could say that i got a promotion @ work today!, i say that because the truck i drive now has AC and a functioning radio/tape player. >
the promotion involves a lot more computer work, which i'm good @, driving a standard(stick) which I'm still working on inclines&parallel parking(in a F-3500 extended/dual cab Duley/flat bed truck). Also got an official Google Fiber name tag,badge made for me to clip on and wear on my vest, sadly I lost my tag in under 5 hours,. some of the poles require a lot of climbing over stuff, and lost it.cool thing is that if it weren't for me with the help of some of my friends and family 'tough loving' me i would have never got this opportunity,and would have kept trying to find my place making minimum wage and not going anywhere in life, i would have never said yes to my lineman friend and drove my Toyota Camry thru super storms all night 700 miles way deep in the bayou in LA. I think my friends that gave me the inspiration to make a change, n my family for loving me every way of the day. also i'm going to be an uncle, and i want my sisters son to kno his uncle drew is someone who will show him what our bloodline is all about(funnyfarm yo).

u can do it to, read some of my blog and posts. what i got out of everything is once you reach that time in your life where your in your mid tweenties(for me atleast) and living with
I've tried acid twice but it must have been a low dose. I could see things "vibrate". Yeah that's pretty cool. But, to me, it wasn't much more than 2ce/2ci except a better come up (aka I was not throwing up all over the place). But everyone is always like "wow acid is so amazing" and all that. I was kind of disappointed I couldn't try it.

I went to this party the other weekend. It was a free party so I didn't expect it to be all that incredible but hey I'm poor so free sounds good to me! When I got there ... it was just so WOW! Amazing music, amazing set up, amazing venue, amazing decorations. I was like ... of course this will be the party I plan to be sober at lol.

So my friend had three tabs of acid although wasn't planning to use them today. So he gave one to me, took on for himself, and gave one to another friend. Oh my gosh WOW! I don't think there are words to describe it!

It was probably the most amazing night of my life. Everything seemed amazing ... just "right" ... perfect ... happy! I just can't find the words to describe it.

I had to walk an hour and a half back to my house (yes I'm to cheap to use transit) and the walk didn't even bother me slightly ... even after dancing for like 5 hours straight.

The funny thing was, it was the three of us who took it, both of them have taken this same acid before. The guy who has it took two tabs once! And they both have plenty of experience with other acid (aka not as good acid) and other psychedelics. They were both soooo out of it and I was just having the time of my life, nothing bothered me, nothing could go wrong. And I have had quite a few bad trips on other psychedelics so I don't do them often.

All in all ... soooooo glad I took it. I can't believe how incredibly amazing acid is!

I thought I'd never find a drug that I like as much as mdma. All the other drugs I've tried have been "okay" and I don't do them much because I just don't enjoy them as much. FINALLY something else that I truly love :D
As I have posted on some of my threads and some of my posts, I have been suffering from a long term comedown which started 9 months ago. I'm still suffering but I'm learning to slowly adapt to it somehow. I'm so jealous of a lot of people who are normal and who never took drugs. I never really believed that "regret is always in the end" but this is how I feel everyday. I've never really understood people who have anxiety or people with drug induced symptoms but now that I'm in the same boat I started to sympathize and realize that the suffering is agonizing emotionally, mentally and physically. It creates havoc and misery in your well-being. I wonder what normal feels like since I haven't felt normal for almost a year now. I just hope it's not very far from now :(
I had an epiphany this morning, possibly the strongest one I've ever had: I finally found my place in the world, and it's with EDM (electronic dance music for those who aren't familiar with it). A few years ago, I thought it was with extreme sports, and I still did up until this morning. But as much as I love extreme sports, I wasn't truly happy with my place in the industry. I loved DOING them, but the job I had only required me to be at events... and at times, it felt like a chore to be there.

But EDM... I love everything about it. Even when I'm just around it, I'm happy. I love listening to it, making it, going to shows, talking about it, promoting it... everything. To give you a clearer picture of how important it actually is to me, it was my reason to get off of heroin, to get through the withdrawals, it's my reason to STAY off of it. In fact, I see being a junkie as part of some sort of distant past. It was only a little over a month ago that I quit, but it doesn't have a place in my life anymore. It doesn't fit in with where I see my life going, in fact it will ruin it, and for that I hate the drug more than anything.

I don't see the last few years I spent on it as a waste though. Don't regret anything. When I was 14, I decided I wanted to work for Drive-Thru Records and eventually have a record label of my own... I even wrote out a (shitty) business plan lol. When I was 18, I began managing my boyfriend at the time and his band. Of course that ended when we broke up hah. When I was 20, I officially changed my major to music business and started to actually enjoy going to classes. Then at 22, I lost everything to opiates, so that I could learn to appreciate life and never waste time again, because every moment is an opportunity.

It's like my whole life has been to prepare me for what I'm about to do. I've been wandering around aimlessly for most of it, never really sure of where I belonged. But when I figured this out, something amazinf happened: I finally forgave myself, found my purpose, became driven and passionate again, understood my self-worth, and every fear/worry/anxiety instantly disappeared. It's like I knew it all along and I just had to stop and realize, "oh yeah... THIS is what I've been chasing after all this time." It's hard for me to doubt the concept of divine intervention when I look at how... just so PERFECT and right this is. How my whole life has been preparing me for this.

Suddenly there's not enough time in the world. So thank you, EDM, for helping me save my own life. <3
So I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I had been in denial for months thinking that the doctors are ignoring my symptom to the point that I never wanted to go to another doctor in the futute. At first, I wasnt sure if I was going to be happy or sad. Happy, because at last, there is an answer to the question I always had about what the hell is really going on with me. Sad because there isn't a wonder drug that can cure me instantly. It is tough but I have to adapt to it more and hope to be better in the coming months.
So I recently did something really stupid while trying to get that precious shot of junk into my body. My veins were shot from overuse and I was having problems trying to find a vein to go in for days. I'm sure this is a nightmare that plagues many IV drug users. I've literally spent hours at a time trying to find a veins, blood everywhere, arms and feet swollen and aching, perhaps even bruising on your neck. This time was just like that. Until I found a pulsing vein in my left pointer finger. I wish I could say this was the first time that I had attempted to go there, but it wasn't. So I knew the risk ahead of me. But I had made it there before, but percentage of success has been low, so I knew the risks. But I was desperate to make the shot and at this point would try anything. So I made the plunge and stuck the needle in a tiny, tiny little vein. The vein itself was probably smaller than the 29 gauge needle I was using. But finally... I registered blood. But as soon as I gently pushed down on the plunger the whole area swelled up. I tried to register again, and nothing. With an exasperated sigh I pulled out and kept digging to get the remainder of the junk anywhere I could find, after having wasted the portion I inserted into my delicate finger. I know how stupid this all sounds. And how pathetic and desperate. At the time I felt pathetic and desperate, especially since this struggle with my veins had been going on for days. I eventually found a working vein and was able to use it for a couple of days (another unsafe practice) but my body was able to heal where I had been relentless poking and prodding at it. When the swelling in my hand went down, I was able to see an abscess on my finger. UGH. And abscess on my finger?? That fucking sucks.

Since I'm a black tar heroin user, and an ex meth shooter, abscess are nothing new to me, and we take care of them ourselves at home, only going to the doctor when we don't have antibiotics left. But still, any type of infection or injury shouldn't be taken lightly when it comes to self administered IV injections.

The lack of usable veins is nothing new to any experienced IV drug user. IMing is a good way too inject your drug without the hassle of having to find a vein. But of course this comes with risks too. Dirty needles pushed into your muscles can lead to extremely deep abscesses. And of course, for anyone who is use to the immediate rush of your drug hitting your brain almost instantaneously with 100% bioavailability, it's hard to give up. But when I have completely exhausted my veins, I try to take a break and settle for IMing for a few days to give my veins some time to heal. It's easier said than done since the desire for that instant shot to your brain is so strong. But if you do have the willpower to go 4 or 5 days settling for 85% bioavailabilty, it's amazing how fast your body can heal itself. Suddenly you have veins again! It's especially useful after shooting coke, when you are doing a shot every 15-20 minutes! But even with heroin, think of all the injections you are doing in a 5 day period if you have any type of sizable daily habit. On an average day I do about 2 shots in the morning, at least 1 mid-day shot, and at least 2 in the evening. About 5 shots a day. Even when I have lighter days, I try to keep the same amount of shots, but use a smaller dose. On heavy days, it can be considerable more. But on average that's 25 shots in a 5 day period. Think of all the havoc that can wreak if you are using the same veins over and over again. When meth was in the picture the daily number was considerably higher, with the added danger of meth itself. It literally eats away at your veins and skin.

Since no IV drug user, myself included, wants to resort to IM shots, even for short periods of time, it's best to proactively keep your veins healthy and fresh. There are a number of precautions you can take to keep your veins to top shooting shape. So I've put together some tips and tricks to help your veins "pop" as easily as possible. There is tons to write about safe shooting, but for the purposes of this blog, I'll stick with how to easily access a vein and maintain vein health.

Preparing the Vein -

You want to make sure he vein is accessible and easy to shoot in, ie. there is a large amount of blood pumping through it, making it easy to hit. This helps keep injections to a minimum, you only have to puncture the skin once, avoiding all those repetitive attempts, which aren't only dangerous but EXTREMELY frustrating. I used to do a generic fist pump, which works okay, and I still do when I'm in a confined space like a car. But for people with more weathered veins, it doesn't always do the trick. Pushup are another commonly known trick, and it works okay. But I don't always find it the most effective. My SO taught me to swing my arm like a propeller. While this might look a little silly if you are fixing in the presence of company, it does get the blood pumping. I've seen this written about on multiple other safe shooting websites as well. One in particular, targeting meth IV users, says to swing your arm like a "propeller". It has a cartoon that lists various other tricks and tips that are useful.

http://imgur.com/2nBAiWU

So here is my list. Hopefully you will find some of these tricks helpful!

* Avoid cigarettes, as they tend to constrict your veins

* Stay warm - fix after a hot shower if necessary. If you are cold your veins will go in hiding. If you aren't about to take a shower, you can use a hot water pack and rest it on the desired area. Or simply run hot water on your body from the sink.

* Pump blood to the vein, be it fist pumping, propeller arms, pushups, anything to get blood moving to that area. I hop and skip when shooting in my feet/legs.

* Drinking coffee can help. Stimulants will get the heart pumping and widen the blood vessels, helping your veins pop out. (When I was experiences vein difficulty, I used to shoot meth first, although that's not recommend, lol). Coke, however, has he opposite effect since it is a vascular constrictor.

* Stay hydrated. Drinking water can actually help veins keep pumping.

* Slapping the vein. There is controversy over this technique. I've read online that it is a myth and doesn't work. But I typically believe what I see, and countless times I have slapped the desired vein to help it pop out more, and low and behold, it works for me.

* Use a new needle. Yes, this is a obvious safe shooting practice in terms of hygiene. But I'm including it for vein health as well. A used needle will rip apart your veins, damaging them and making them inaccessible. I've included a picture of a needle before it's first use, then after many uses. Just imagine that thing trying to pierce your veins. Using a fresh syringe will definitely help your veins say healthy and usable longer!

http://imgur.com/Fq7nAH5

* Last but not least, use a tourniquet. But beware that improper use can be extremely dangerous. You must be careful not to wrap it to tight or leave it on to long. You run the risk of blowing a vein. Proper use dictates that the tourniquet must be removed after you register and before you push the plunger down to prevent blowing a vein. However in full disclosure, this is something that I tend to overlook. But I have suffered consequences, damaging a vein in my ankle due to improper tourniquet use.

Using these tips, along with hygienic, clean, safe shooting practice will make the whole experience way more enjoyable. The other thing to keep in mind when picking a vein to shoot in is the location on the body. There is a hierarchy of safe shooting spots. I won' go into detail, but the order goes as follows

1. Arms

2. Hands

3. Feet

4. Legs

5. Breasts

6. Armpit

7. Neck

8. Penis

9. Femoral Vein

Anything from #4 (Legs) down should be avoided. The legs are controversial, they aren't really dangerous, unless you shoot into the wrong type of vein, and it isn't always easy to decipher. So to error on the side of caution, I generally avoid my legs, until I'm desperate.

The last thing I'm going to touch on is damage due to repetitive use. Common sense should have told me not to shoot in my finger, and the same is true with overuse. Each time the needle penetrates the skin, then the vein, you are doing damage. It might be imperceptible at first, but time after time it adds up. It's something I struggle with every time I strap on a tourniquet. When you've killed all of your veins and pickings are slim it's natural to hit one vein over and over again if you can actually register. But it can cause long term or permanent damage. Easier said than done, I know. But it is a good rule of thumb.

All I've covered here are tips for accessing and maintaining healthy veins. There is tons of more info out there on safe shooting tips. Here is a good resource to start with if you are interested in reading more about IV drug administration. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Here is a good link to start with if you want to read more. http://wiki.bluelight.ru/index.php/Drug_Injection Bluelight is filled with good information and resources about all sorts of drug related issues. I frequent it regularly, and the people there are generally open minded. You can get answers to questions the rest of the Internet would just blast you for. Of course it still is the Internet, so don't expect it to be completely slander free!

Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!
I made a little game called Name That Drug! Watch the video and see if you can guess the name of he drug before it scrolls across the screen. It's pretty easy so you shouldn't have a hard time guessing most of them. Have fun and good luck!

[video=youtube_share;gUDlbB4eQcU]http://youtu.be/gUDlbB4eQcU[/video]​
I mainly wrote this so that people would realize this is not a recreational drug (I thought this was obvious till recently). For those who didn't read part 1 and 2...who am I kidding no one is reading this. But one and two are just about me going to the doctor and telling him I stopped my meds because they were too sedating. I am bipolar and most meds for bipolar are too sedating Seroquel being one. It's classified as a major tranquilizer. Xanax is considered a minor tranquilizer. This doesn't at all mean the two have comparable effects!!! It does mean that Seroquel is a lot stronger though.

Was only taking 75-100 a night and I was supposed to be taking 150. I had to smoke tons of weed just to get out of bed I felt so bad. Lately I'm cutting the pills down to 25mg pieces (very hard to do even after years of psych meds). The doctor has greatly underestimated the power this medication has. Despite me explaining to him that I am sensitive he has bumped me back up to 200. 25mg works just fine and I shouldn't have to go behind my doctors back and try and dry cut a 200 mg pill.

Seroquel is an emotional straight-jacket. Under its grip I never got too sad, too happy, or too anxious. But I just feel like shit all the time and there's no more elegant way to put that. I think "may cause you to feel like shit" should be on the label. When your on Seroquel its exactly like being on drugs except without any euphoria, hallucinations, or tangible benefits.

The only tangible benefit is a total escape from your mind. Your body runs the show and your mind folllows two steps behind. You do things without even processing them because you can barely process anything. I work as a cook and I couldn't remember what I had made because I was on a poor version of auto pilot. Ridiculous short-term memory loss. I had to stop to keep my job.

I got slight progress with the doc. The doctor wants me to try Celexa instead of Remeron to help with my anxiety. Despite the fact that anti-depressants easily cause mania in bipolar people and that I have reacted poorly to at least 20 AD's. I haven't added up the number as of yet.

But all is not lost. I like this doctor and I think I am starting to establish a good relationship with him. I'm finally willing to sit through whatever adjustments need to be made and do my best to be a good patient.
Everyday since December has been a struggle for me having to deal with this symptom. I've been working so hard to ignore it. I've been working so much on being a better person, but it feels like I'm on my breaking point again. This rage that I had been trying so hard to contain is crying out, crying and telling me to release her. She wants to make me feel better and help me. Do I let her come out? Do I let her control me and my emotions? Do I want to lose myself again?
I have heard it said that people brought flowers to their dead relatives when they passed to cover the smell of the decaying body.

I submit there are not enough flowers in the world to cover the smell of one rotting human being.

I posit that the flowers represent the continuation of the next generation. As a flower dies back, it may spread seeds that will continue the life of that family of flower. Flowers can also be perennial, so that it died into the ground during winter to bloom again the next year.

to be continued
Soon, I will be a memory for you all (probably bad ones, like my hairy penis burned in your brain).

I think since I realize that my computer forum addiction is bad for my life, and I need to stop. I can't be responsible so I need to completely abstain.

My 5000th post will be my last, maybe I will get a life, maybe I will be dead in a ditch, but I won't be hunched over my laptop at 1AM trolling n00bs.

It's been a blast, thanks for the lolz.

- kaywholed
I wonder where she went? Did I have anything to do with it?

I met her online, on okcupid, and we clicked some way. She liked me, by rating me highly. I waited a day to do the same with her because I'm not big on the stars rating system or rating people at all.

We connected on some level, spiritually. I can't describe here. I tried in a thread in SLR, and ended up writing a lot that many didn't read- That I may not have either.

But I hesitated. I had feelings arise, that I held down. She attempted to communicate with me creatively. I still held back direct communication with her.

After a day of this hesitation, she disappeared. She disabled her profile. Days layer I found her blog. Now a week later, she hasn't posted any more, after pretty consistently posting for some time before.

Her last post was likely about me, the day or within the day that she disabled her account. It could have been, at least (about me).

I asked her why she thinks guys run away, mirroring a question she had. She ran away. But I did, from feelings.
Waother side of the road....I recognize him as a crackhead right away, just by the walk ,and the closer lking on the street, I have no idea what to expect....It's not exactly an open air drug spot anymore, but it's definitely there...If I make the wrong decision, I could get robbed....could get shot trying to keep my money...not a situation I can really test what's being sold. It's grab and go!

The crack will definitely be easier than the dope, and at this point that's what I'm looking for...A little bag of rock and a half g of dope...Find a nice spot to do a shot and then worry about getting the rest of the coke and dope later....

I walk down the street. A guy walking quick and weird is coming my way towards me on the he gets the more apparent it becomes that he's not to be trusted. I can see him take something out of his pocket and look down into his hand, then he quickly puts his hand back into his pocket and continues to stride with a purpose! He does this like, three times in a row!....A nervous tic of some sort?

A lot of inner-city drug addicts walk like they're nursing serious physical injuries....like their knees and back are fucked up and they're no longer capable of smooth, inconspicuous motion, like the drugs have literally "kicked their ass"!.....I know a lot of people who have done a lot of drugs, but you never seem to encounter this phenomenon outside the hood-rats/homeless population...

As he comes into focus I can see that he's wearing a polo shirt, jean shorts, dirty reeboks and white tube socks with those '80s era stripes. He looks severely dehydrated in the face, unconsciously moving his lips in exotic expression, he walks quickly toward me, glances over his shoulder and turns and looks rights at me, "Hey whatchyou lookin for, I got it! I got it"....I say, "Whatta you got, hard?".....
"Yeah baby, that's what I just told you, right here! Let's go!"....
As he's talking he spits four bagged up rocks into his hand and shows me and then immediately puts them back in his mouth and keeps walking right past me...
"C'mon C'mon"...
I follow him back the way I came heading back to the main road...He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few dollars in quarters and assorted other change and immediately puts it back in his pocket...again!

"I'm goin to get a drink right now, whatchyou needed?", he says to me as we walk up the street....I say, "You do 2 for 30?"...He says,
"Nah, I need straight 20...20, you'll see...when you hit that, you'll be back at me!....You seen where I was walkin? There's a big brown house right there on the left, I'm on the 4th floor in D....Come see me for real!".....
Even though I know it's not worth 20, it's enough for my shot, so I hand him the 20 and boom! I got half of what I need for the time being.

I walk back up the street away from the main road, the way I was originally walking....A few menacing cars rattling with bass and tinted windows that half-reveal eyes sizing me up drive past....
A blond girl who actually looks halfway decent at first glance is sitting on stoop on the opposite side of the road....
Second glance reveals that she has a black eye and her face is kinda sucked up....
Third glance reveals she's pregnant....
As I keep walking I hear the distinctive beat of Latino rap music, I think it's called "Reggae-ton" or something like that....
The basic beat is always the same....
I like American hip-hop better...I get closer to the sound of the music and then I reach the driveway where it's coming from....There's three Hispanic kids, in their late teens, early twenties....They're working on big 7 series BMW....they have it jacked up and the hoods popped....

I know right away they have dope!....They're wearing clean, new clothes and sneakers...they have gold around their necks, diamond earrings...tattoos, definitely affiliated with some gang, which one I have no clue, don't care either.....
Of all the gangsters I've bought drugs from over the years, 80% of the time I couldn't tell you which gang they're even in, they almost never come out and even mention it....
Gets to the point sometimes, they'll invite you in the house when they're drunk, stacks of money, big pile of powder and a gun on the table...little kids playing in the next room.
I just act like it's perfectly normal at this point...
But when you hear of people getting shot in the hood, it's usually these exact types either getting shot or doing the shooting....
They go out on a Friday, bump into some other gangster, beef starts and someone ends up dead within a couple of weeks....
Once everyone knows about the beef, neither side can back down...
It sucks...It's pointless....

Anyway, I know these guys have what I need, but approaching them is a delicate thing...
They're clearly already making money, and getting them to take a chance and deal to a total stranger isn't gonna be easy...
Most dealers and customers start off as complete strangers, but it's usually through an introduction that they meet, but IMO, you're just as likely to get set up through an intro as you are through meeting someone on the street....
I slow down, look over at them and give them "the nod".......
The one kid that sees me is friendly enough...He nods back smiles and says "Hey what's up dude?"...but then he looks away and keeps talking to the other kids working on the Bimmer....
I was hoping that maybe they'd put 2 and 2 together, figure out that I wanted dope and try to sell me some! I gave the universal nod....they definitely knew what I was up to, but were just playing it like I was just walking, in a good mood and saying "hi" to whoever I encountered on THIS street! ha...

is
Sometime in summer 2011, I was frantically getting my money together to go buy my daily heroin and cocaine fix....It was a hot summer day, but I was shivering from the light breeze combined with my own sweat made cold by the dope sickness beginning to kick in...I took a bus into the city and walked into the heart of one of the worst parts of town that was centrally located between where I needed to meet my two dealers.

I had crashed my car some 5 months earlier, and mine and my girlfriend's habit dictated that, besides rent, every cent we cam across went to drugs....I found it nearly impossible to get high from heroin at that point...No matter how much I did, I never really actually felt high, that's one of the reasons I started on speedballs. Heroin just ceased being all that pleasurable, even if I was near death, I just never really felt that intense "glow"...Cocaine didn't help at all, it made me feel the heroin even less for the most part...

It was a very depressing situation, but I didn't feel depressed about my life at all really...I didn't really have much feeling for anything or anyone...I went to work everyday...well, went to work MOST days, and from the second I got out at 330 until the moment I lost consciousness lying on my back with my clothes and the light on, I was completely consumed with getting as high as humanly possible...

It was the end of a vicious, self-destructive run that could have and probably SHOULD have ended much worse than it did....It was a juggling act of deceit, money, over-consumption and avoiding arrest, every day...The combinations were getting dangerous. I was using about 2 1/2 grams of H and a gram of cocaine IV'd every day...On top of that, I was getting 180 1mg Xanax and 120 30mg Adderalls every month from a girl I copped dope for. I managed the massive heroin habit for 3 years, actually was able to somewhat handle it. It wasn't much of a life, but the rent got paid and I kept us from getting sick, kept us high....

I never cleaned my apartment, my kitchen was host to the biggest colony of fruit flies on the East Coast. They swarmed like cloud, I hated it them so much, but I felt utterly helpless to do anything about it, felt overwhelmed by my apartment, like even it hated me for neglecting my relationship with it. It was a nice place, at first. One of us nearly burned it down every month! Gas stoves and junkies don't mix....
I had 3 empty gallon jugs of Arizona Ice-tea filled with used rigs...Sheets over all the windows...All the musical gear that I hadn't sold yet strewn about as a reminder of a past life I just threw away to chase what must have been more important to me: blocking out every last thing inside me bearing any resemblance to a real emotion...I've had bad things happen to me in my life, but definitely nothing so bad that I shouldn't be able to get over it and carry on as a real human being...And we wanted ourselves back so badly...
we'd talk about it every night, how we were "...gonna do something about this! We can't go on like this anymore!" After saying that for a year, it gets harder and harder to believe yourself. After 2 years, we both knew it was hopeless, the only thing that was gonna get us of heroin was a full-blown disaster, a tragedy of some sort. And most tragedies involve death, extreme near-death illness or prison....Don't really know what I'd choose out of those three, I guess it depends on how much prison time is involved.

I made it a point to not look in mirrors, which is hard when you're in the bathroom all the time....I still caught glimpses of myself out of the corner of my eye, I definitely wasn't the same guy that just had to smile and say hi to get most girls' attention...Nobody naturally looks like I looked, well I guess if you were severely malnourished and sleep-deprived....

I worked a job that could be very physically demanding, and yet, I hardly ate anything....I'm 5'11 and was weighing around 130 lbs...It's amazing to see what the body can endure and it's amazing how you can bounce back, but actually witnessing these phenomena in yourself should be something that only occurs if you end up held in a third world prison or lost in the wilderness...Actually being responsible for putting yourself in that state is unforgiveable...a sin, if there is such a thing...

If you don't give your body enough fat and protein and it just starts feeding off itself...the times I did look in the mirror it was alarming...I've always been a vain person, and sadly, despite the drugs killing my relationships with my family and friends, and killing my love for life, the way the drugs were affecting my appearance was the one thing I actually regretted most of the time....

Anyway, July 2011 I take a bus into the city and walk to an area of old brick warehouse buildings and shitty tenements with mostly asphalt yards...Half of them are uninhabited and boarded up. I have 400 dollars in my pocket, 300 is mine, the other hundred is someone else's money...Fixing my car would have paid for itself, made being a junkie so much easier....Like everything else in my life, the car was pretty acceptable in the beginning, but after rear-ending a few people nodded out at stop lights, and then eventually almost killing me and my girlfriend while arguing about spending 100 dollars of the rent money on dope while sick, things got steadily worse for awhile, and then just eventually completely dropped off the radar...

I'm starting to get sick, I'm on foot and I'm looking to buy 4 grams of heroin and however much coke I can get with what's leftover...I have a bunch of people I can call for dope, but only one guy that has decent powder coke...I'm a sitting duck out there though! If I end up picking up the heroin but having to wait for the coke, I'm gonna be stuck walking around with enough heroin to send to me to prison...I'm praying everyone answers their phone and the whole thing goes quickly...

I'm close to where I need to be and I call the guy I know with the best dope...He tells me he'll be around in 45 minutes...
Shit! Who knows how long 45 minutes will actually turn out to be!

I call the guy with the coke, reasoning that in the time it takes to do that deal, the guy with the good dope will be ready to serve me by the time I'm finished...and.... the coke guy goes straight to voicemail...
Fuck!

I wait around for 20 minutes or so in the heat....Pawn shops, fried chicken joints, some shady discount grocer that's like the twilight zone to walk around inside, an ongoing flea market inside a warehouse...I opt to go inside the flea market...It's hot inside, no AC...There's shitty toys, knife displays, used video games, weird bead things to hang from your door that provide no privacy....After 20 minutes of that I decide to go with Plan B...I'm getting progressively sicker and I'm not about to wait around for 2 hours in my current condition...

I take about a ten minute walk to Bowdoin street...At the time, I don't know anyone particular on that street, but it's just one of those streets....There's not a nice house on the whole street....There's always people walking around, kids on bikes...furniture out on the curbside...obvious drug activity...not the worst street, but not the best...

On the way, I stop at a little store and buy the smallest bottle I can find of Heinz distilled vinegar...

just cloudy...
I could probably find someone else, and I was gonna do just that...There were plenty of other people out on this street that I could have hit up, but instead of trying to find someone else, after I got about 100 ft up the road, I turned around and went back to the driveway with the Bimmer kids...
It takes balls to do this, because you never know how people are gonna react when you point blank ask them for drugs like I was about to do...
I walked right up the driveway to where they were and I was like, "Hey man, what's up...I called my friend I was supposed to meet him earlier, and now, he's not pickin up his phone, can you guys help me out?"...
At first, the one kid, the only one that was talking to me so far says...."Naaa papi, I don't know what you mean, but I don't do that....I don't know you".....
I'm like "No, I'm sorry man...I'm not tryin to scare you...I know you don't know me..."....Just then, one of the other kids workin under the car comes out and stands next to the other kid and looks at me, "Whatchou needed?"....
"Dope...."
He looks at the other kid, "How much?"....
"I want a half, but if it's good I'll take more".....
"You're not a cop?"....
"No man!"....
It's 90 degrees out and I'm wearing a dark blue hoodie and shorts, I pull up my sleeve and show him the marks on my right arm. He says, "Man! Okay...follow me".....
We walk behind the house out of view of the street, and he runs in the house...He comes out puts a half gram of some beige powder in my hand and I give him the money.
"You gotta phone? take my number", he says...
I take his number and call his phone so he knows who I am....
Now I have my dope.....
As I'm walking away he says, "Call me, you're gonna like that! Oh, you do coke too? I got that powder ..."
Bingo!! I tell him "Yeah, I'm gonna go try this and if it's straight I'll come right back for another few whole Gs"...

At this point, I'm fuckin happy as shit! I might have just scored a decent connect for dope and powder!

But first things first, I gotta find a spot to bang this speedball....I gotta fucking bottle of vinegar in my pocket to break down the crack, a half gram of dope and a 20 piece of rock in my mouth, a new bottle of water, a new rig and a q-tip and I'm ready to go! I walk further into this neighborhood and I see a boarded up house with a chain-link fence around it...The yard is completely over-grown...the grass is two feet tall. It's the perfect cover!

I'm able to slip under the fence and go to the back of the house where the stairs to the basement are...Between my location behind the house and the tall grass, I can take my time...
Nobody's gonna see me back there! It's always sneaking in and out of the place you hide to do the shot that's the riskiest part! If a cop happens to drive by when you're coming in or out, you're getting searched! This is why I always keep the drugs in my mouth...It's saved me countless time from going to jail!...The crack I had in my mouth then was in some random crackheads mouth not even a half hour earlier, but fuck it, I guess...It's not like I was sharing needles or fucking the dude!

I throw the crack in the cap first...I throw 30 units of vinegar on it and mash it up really fine....It completely dissolves and turns clear, with no visible particles at all, which for IV crack, is always a plus! I take the half gram of dope and dump it in the cap I just rinsed with water...I squirt the 30 units of coke solution on top and then add another thirty of water. I mix up the whole thing and it turns a nice Iced tea color, no insoluble cut in the dope either!...I use good size filters for both draws, I suck up the 60 into the syringe, find a vein and bam!

The dope is good! Despite my tolerance I get a strong rush from it and just as it's starting to hit me good I feel the coke come on! My heart skips a beat and I feel my blood pressure rise and tingle starting in my genitals and rising up and radiating out of my chest! I feel a slight paranoia and tweakiness at first, but the dope takes the edge right off....For just throwing two pretty random amounts of each together, it was a good speedball!

I'm feeling as happy as a dope fiend loser could feel at that moment...I just found a new connection who has dope that's even better than my main guy, and he has powder! No more need to run around today, just call that guy back, walk two blocks over, and I'm good!

I call the guy up and order 3 grams of dope and a gram of powder....He tells me to come right over, and 10 minutes later I'm in business! Now I'm nervous though, because I have all that shit on me and a long walk out of an area that I could get searched at any moment! I'll swallow the 4 grams if I have to....I have enough of a tolerance to handle 3 grams of oral heroin, but I'm more nervous about the gram of coke...Of course, I've never had one burst open on me...Holes in the bag, but never break open..

About 3 minutes after I walk away, the girl who gave me 100 dollars to buy dope for her calls...she's out of work and wants to know where I am...Perfect timing! I go into the hood burger king and order a coke and fries and she picks me up 15 minutes later....gone!

I get back home, get my girlfriend well and shoot the gram of coke....I have enough dope that I don't freak out too too bad...but when I'm lying in bed nodding a few hours later, I reach down and feel something on my calf, two little strange bumps! I pull up my pant-leg and there's two tiny little ticks attached to my leg....The little kind, the ones you don't wanna have...deer ticks!

Fuck, just my luck!! I'm the only person in history who's gonna contract Lyme disease from shooting up in the ghetto!

Stupidly, I ripped the ticks off, which causes them to release their juices into you....But hey, maybe these ticks don't have lyme disease...It killed my high

I read about it online...read about the "bulls eye" and sure enough, four days later...the two distinctive bulls eyes show up on my leg! God Dammit!

I get tested a few weeks later and I have fucking Lyme disease, but thankfully, I caught it early and can hopefully knock it out....Last I checked, it's still gone, thank God....

but lately, I can't get the thoughts through my brain clearly, and that's what people who have Lyme disease that's progressed describe...man, I don't feel like having blood drawn to check again, but I really should....Lyme disease is pretty common, particularly in the Northeast, and it sucks if it progresses...

Just felt like writing...trying to organize my thoughts....It used to flow so clear, now my brain
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