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unglued has a girlfriend. i was rather pissed when i found out. no logical reason why, i already knew the two of them were hooking up for months. and he told me, it isn't like i found out thru a friend or facebook or anything*

*i would actually prefer some separation in this matter but BLers (or mostly former BLers) are a weird insular bunch at times. it is strange having multiple websites where you interact with the same group of people. not to mention real life contact too.

i am slightly amused about how unglued's girlfriend's ex found out about them. a bit of schadenfreude showing the two of them why sneaking around doesn't work. which is prolly why unglued decided to just tell me what was going on as opposed to me finding out thru the ex.

i decided to join a dating website and been on a few dates. i forgot how weird it is to get to know someone by making small talk and such. but it is fun and i am meeting people who work in different divisions at microsoft. i think it is a rule that any person of the age of 30 must either work at microsoft/amazon/google or be in a relationship with someone who does. because i have yet to meet anyone who isn't associated with one of those companies.

Right now, living in the middle of summer, and seeing a lot of beautiful people with minimal clothing: I've been really craving for a girlfriend.

Never had one, I guess girls don't like me that much. Sometimes I try talking with them, but they don't seem to be interested me in the slightest.

so in a lot of ways things are really looking up but I am also unsure about some other things in my life

The Positive.... I graduated college cum laude
I have a wonderful baby boy who I absolutely love
I cleaned up... I am no longer addicted or dependent on any substances
even ones that were prescribed to me

The Negative... I am not really sure what to do with my college degree
I am frustrated that I cant totally support myself financially and that my
parents do need to help me out... I feel like its a bit of a mark of shame
for my mom especially since I have a baby
I am not that that happy with my baby's father... we are still together
but I have a nagging feeling I could have done much better (at least
genetically speaking however I don't think he is a bad sperm donor ...
he is not relatively intelligent, athletic, and attractive (no he is not an
Abercrombie and Fitch model or an Olympic athlete or a scientist but
still....)) I am ashamed of his drinking though

My Plans.... Take the GRE this fall and hopefully get into a decent grad school with scholarships and grants......
I honestly don't know whether or not I will stay with Jesse's dad yet

Despite all of the negatives I am still at a much better place in my life than I think I have ever really been........ Hopefully things continue to get better

I'm so frustrated and down right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I was just getting started studying for 3 huge electrical theory tests I have back-to-back kicking off in twelve hours from now, and my mom calls saying my dad is back in the hospital and shit is looking serious. His beatbox just don't work right no more and docs already had a few looks inside it in the past but now it's too risky to do anything. It makes me livid that he gave so much heart early in his life before I knew him, and now it's his heart that's failing him.

So now I'm sitting here staring at pages of numbers and heiroglyphs and they're making less sense by the moment because my mind has locked itself in the attic of my brain and started to stare blankly out the proverbial window at the rain. It's raining blood and I want nothing more than to drink and smoke myself into a coma but I can't.

I knew my dad's time was limited less than a year ago when he was in the hospital last. Now I can start to see the spool through the thread that is his life wrapped around it. My mom's sanity and health has to be my biggest concern now, but I know I can't be depended to look after her. She's been strong for so long, looking after my dad the way she has for, well, ever since they've been married pretty much.

She's kept the family together even though it's been drifting apart. All we are now is phone calls, love-yas and Saturday night dinners together where we attempt to catch up even though none of us has much left to say. Pretty soon, the tenuous threads that bind us will start to unravel. The stoic masque my mom upheld for all these years will crack and shatter like glass under too much stress. I will have to be strong for her even though I can't cop to being man enough to be strong enough for myself or anyone else I've ever had in my life.

She and I will be the only ones left of our kin on this side of the world. I've told her in the past she has to think about moving back to Europe to be with family. I just want her happiness, but she doesn't want to let me go. She is stubborn to a fault. So is my dad...

So am I.

I'm seeing all these threads getting bumped about people roughly my age and their failed attempts to get laid. It's hilarious because my roommate, a 35 y.o. who drinks copious amounts of alcohol daily and is normally quite a loner has begun getting nookie for the first time since I've known him.

I was woken up from my nap last night by my bed being shaken across the room by the sound of the NIN CD he was blasting to try and drown out the sex noise. So of course I got up, cracked my neck, brewed a cup of joe and started raging about this ruckus to friends over IM.

That was just catharsis, and once I calmed the fuck down and had my coffee I couldn't help but feel awkward to be sitting alone in my room while people not ten feet away were getting it on. If the situation was reversed, I know I'd certainly be feeling awkward trying to keep blood in my penis knowing my roomie would be trying to find ways to simultaneously ignore me and entertain himself on the other side of the wall.

What's fucking with me is that somewhere in my head a small, small part of me was nagging at me saying "now YOU need to find a girl to fuck to reinforce that you have more value than your roommate!" So of course I suddenly found myself motivated to scheme about the fastest way to get someone of the opposite sex into my bed.

Now, a day later, I can confidently say I got nothin. I mean, it's been years since I actually last met a girl who not only met (and exceeded) my standards for brains and beauty but was even, *gasp*, unattached at the time! Of course, I fucked that situation up royally and it goes down as my single greatest regret in life -- and I don't have many of those. Now here I am years later in the big city surrounded by gorgeous females and smart females but I seem to always be missing the ones who are both smart and gorgeous. Instead I am the friendly guy who somehow manages to befriend all the girls I think are cool as fuck but have absolutely no physical attraction to, then end up alienating them because they mistook my friendliness for romantic interest and I guess I'm too much of a pussy to just tell them outright that I will never sleep with them and kill the friendship altogether.

Because that's how it goes, because as L O V E L I F E once said, there is no such thing as a guy and a girl being just friends, and I was the only one stupid enough to think there could be a loophole to that law of nature. And thus, my manifold ramble draws to a single, solitary dot at the end of a sentence. And here it comes.

Gets worse every fucking time! Even if I try to chip on heroin it turns into a binge eventually then i'm sick for a few days...finally some relief and then I cop again 8(. Rinse, repeat this vicious cycle. I don't even know how I still have a job since i'm either high or sick most of the time at work.

Kratom is a life-saver sometimes but man there's just nothing like that heroin nod...it haunts me everyday even in my dreams. I need to quit but I don't want to quit. It's a living fucking nightmare. I love her yet I hate her and it ain't even a chick this time. Heroin ....ughhh! A Gift and mostly a curse. Why can't we all just have an unlimited amount of heroin for free in our lives? It would make life so much easier and better in everyway imaginable. Instead, we gotta dodge cops in the hood to get our fix, it ain't right I tell you.

Oh yeah and FUCK withdrawal! Someone needs to create an opiate that doesn't include such a horrible withdrawal. Come on you scientists/pharmacalogist "genius'" make a drug that can take away the pain and not induce even worse pain in the long run.

/end rant

I should be studying right now. I have a very important test in a couple hours. Instead im sitting here reminiscing about the past. Sometimes the past seems really blurry like it was a dream. I remember fragments, like conversations while waiting for the man, I remember the heat in the summer, I remember alot of waiting alot of parking lots side roads and sketchy neigborhoods. I remember the people, my friends, my enemies, my junkies. I think about the ones who didnt make it out. The ones who would kill for the oppertunity to come to college have a girlfriend play intermural basketball with my friends. Why am I not happy? I seem to have recovered everything I lost and then some.

This life just doesnt feel right to me. I wake up everyday thinking what am I doing here? Am I really a junior in college? How did I make it this far? I think about the summer, that summer I spent living needle to vien. My only worry was whether the dope man would pick up his phone. Dont get me wrong I know there is no going back I have tried. God have I tried!! It just wasnt the same.

Im scared about the future. My nerves are rubbed raw being in recovery is like being on a diet. You know you cant have any chocolate cake but that doesnt mean you dont wake up craving a bite just a little taste to remind you what your fighting for. So here I am living a lie I guess the more things change the more they stay the same.

So I have been really down the past couple of weeks, which is really bad because I am not working as I hard as I should and I am in sales. Not selling shit when I am supposed to really hurts my job performance. I still haven't used any illegal drugs, just my "medication." This is the longest I have gone without being institutionalized without using any illegal drugs since I started partying too much.

I miss how my life was with my wife. It seems like she is no longer in love with me and it has been really hard that I am no longer living with her. (I am working in another state but that wouldn't matter since her family hates my guts and she is being influenced very heavily from them to throw me to the curve. It's all fucked up basically.) she is basically the only thing that matters to me and I know that is not healthy to a recovering heroin addict. I am walking on very thin ice here and all I can do is think about how badly I want her but can't have her so what's the point of trying to be clean because all it does is let me feel the pain I am having.

This was hands down the best day in my entire life.... it was the day my beautiful baby was born

He is 11 weeks old now and doing awesome. I love him more than I have ever loved anything or anyone.

My labor only lasted 4 hours. My water broke in the afternoon and I checked into the hospital around 5pm.. I started labor around 6 30 pm and Jesse was born at 10 48 pm

If anything, the following amounts to no more than a rant. No, not a rant...there's no anger in this, just...I don't know. I'm not good at putting my thoughts into words (enter irony). Anyways, I'm guessing my muse for this...writing is the current state of events according to facebook. I hate to admit, as of late I've become quite apathetic to current events, especially those of a political nature. Seeing as I was quite attuned to said events in the past, it's been a marked change in me...embodying what I once professed never to be, a "sheep" if you will. But I digress.

Pretty much, facebook is now my "news" source, since I don't watch the news on television, or read the paper, or even partake in perusing their cybernetic counterparts. I blame this on laziness: being informed takes work. That being said, this "note" isn't backed by research, or even fact. This note is endorsed by pure opinion. Not the opinion of an expert, but by me, so take that as you will.

It seems that equality is at the forefront of many people's statuses as of late. Paula Deen and the D.O.M.A. thing come to mind. In fact, they're precisely my inspiration for this. I omit the Martin case because I know nothing about it other than it's very racially charged.

I'll start with the D.O.M.A. case. It's a small step in the right direction. I'll never understand why some people are against gay marriage. It's not my cup of tea, but I can't allow my preferences to preclude others from the pursuit of happiness. Sound vaguely familiar? It should. This, again, is solely my opinion, but if two (or more, but we'll leave that debate for another time) consenting adults aren't harming anyone, who am I to stop them? What makes me better than them? What makes me think I know what's best for them more than they do?

Perhaps I'm biased. I'm not religious, so there's no dogma reverberating in the back of my mind. I won't get into religion, since I respect everyone's decision to believe as they see fit, and I'm not about to proselytize. All I'm saying is, I wish that church and state would truly be segregated. The pilgrims voyaged to North America in the hopes of escaping religious oppression at the hands of their government. The founding fathers envisioned a nation with freedom of religion. To me, it's hypocritical to deny a segment of the populace certain rights based on the religious beliefs of some. Albeit, these religious beliefs are shared by the majority of our nation, but all one has to do is abstain from acquiring a gay marriage.

The sanctity of marriage is always brought up. If your marriage is really threatened by the marriage of others-strangers-then maybe your marriage is the one that isn't sanctioned. It's on shaky foundation at best, a load of bull at worst. It's hard to face facts sometimes, but it must be done in order to grow.

My acceptance of others' right to be gay and get married is one of pure logic. I'm not one swayed by peer pressure. Just because others get a gay marriage doesn't mean I want one. Heck, I don't even want a straight marriage! But, if people want to restrict themselves, then by all means go for it.I'm coming from a libertarian point-of-view. I simply believe that if someone, an adult with their mental faculties intact, wants to do something, and no third parties will be harmed, let them! I will refrain from discussing my more...taboo opinions on other topics, since I don't want to get too derailed from the original premise for this writing, but those of you brave and open-minded enough are free to pick my brain anytime through messaging or even in person.

Before I forget, I'll quickly discuss the Paula Deen debacle. From what I understand-correct me if I'm wrong-she said a certain word that's extremely offensive. To me, words are powerless. I see no difference between saying the "f" word and "chair," for example. Actions are the true hallmark of a person's character. I'm the kind of person that observes others, I don't really listen. Anyone can say anything, but if they follow through, that's rare. That's what matters to me. Call me a skeptic.

So Deen said something. It was a long time ago. She could've denied it like so many of us do. Many people have said that particular word before, in various contexts and timeframes. She was brave enough to admit her folly(ies). It's hard to face facts sometimes, but it must be done in order to grow.

Doubtlessly, she'll be given redemption on some other television network. Martha Stewart was, and she (to my knowledge) never showed remorse for her actions. Deen has apologized profusely for her words. Think about that.

I'll get off my soapbox, but not before reiterating that my waxing philosophic is purely my opinion. I've done no extensive research. I arrive at my opinions through logic, not emotions, so yes, they're a bit cold. So, if y'all could completely rip me to shreds or laud my efforts-entertain me if you will-I'd appreciate it.

Title says it all!

if you guys took the time out to see my blog... thanks. that means, to me, that you are interested in what i have to say.
i don't really have anything to say. but thank you for visiting .

and you are cool in my book. if you wanna send a friend request go ahead. i'll accept.

if i seem mad/angry/hostile toward you in the Lounge, don't let it bother you. Its the Lounge. I Don't know any of you personally, so don't take anything that i say to you personally. if you stick around, you'll figure this out.

So, I'm having deep existential sorrow - still - that I am not a drug user anymore.

Often I think that Bluelight is keeping me from moving on to a new self-image as a non-user. I gave up my scripts & pot a year ago because I couldn't control my use and was a failure of a parent. Nothing short of losing custody could have gotten me to this height of sobriety. I feel so accomplished, proud, and self-satisfied. This has been a year of being Awake. Laborious but rewarding and expansive.

When I come to this website it's stressful to read people glorifying so many substances from my old loves to passing acquaintences to strangers I'm sure I could love but have never met. In moments reading these things I subject myself to feel continual wist from the separation. There's a strong sentiment inside me that I am NOT whole, I am NOT One, that I am Two and my other half - substances - have been severed from me, reluctantly though willingly. Because my choices are either remain completely clean, or give up being a parent. I need and wholly plan to continue this path without substances.

Choosing between the two relationships is a no-brainer, obviously, and it's totally working for me.

Strangely however I still come to Bluelight when it actually causes me pain of craving - a grand pain that has the unmatched capacity to bring me to the original sorrow. So it seems I still have a little bit left (though not much) to explore in this realm.

So the rules changed since the last time I have posted. And a hell of a lot of things have changed. I read my past blogs and wow, I have changed a bit. I'm doing my best that I can right now by what life has thrown at me. Lost a bit more and now I am trying to crawl out of a giant hole I created. I got a job finally after being freed a year ago and it's in a different state. I relapsed after being out for a month and I am now in MMT. I am going to start the detox Monday but take it slow so I have a better chance of not fucking up. My job takes about 12 hour days 6 days a week so I won't be bored, don't know a source on the South and I regularly go to meetings everyday. I talk to my little wifey again and she is a big help for me but I understand that it will be a battle to get things back before heroin.

...

...

On occasion your view on something is a yes and a no. This is where the debate begins.

-------------

My dad was pretty impressed when he arrived at my house a couple of weekends ago for fathers day. I cleaned up my house so it looked like a hotel. He loved it as he hadn't seen me like this since I was doing chores around his house in my teens. What he didn't like is the music coming from the speakers when he walked in. I had forgot how unattractive metal-core music sounds with the volume even slightly past normal volume. With this whole scene in mind, he walked in and greeted, heard the music, and immediately told me I need to stop cutting myself!

This last part made me chuckle since he said it with a tone that meant he was poking fun at me. He doesn't care about my taste in music as long as I live and no matter how horrible it will sound to him. He never says anything when I blast it in his ears but I can tell he doesn't enjoy it as much as some of us do.

But this makes me come to my point. Why is it so stereotypical for someone to be called goth, emo, or dark just because they listen to music thats not so mainstream (I'm not asking for anyone to reply)? No one has ever bullied me for my taste in the subject, but then again, not many know because I don't advertise that kind of music in public. Only with my friends who enjoy the same stuff and when I'm alone. Only 8 of my extremely numerous and diverse friends listen to it with the same loving/obsessive feeling I do. It doesn't make me mad though, which is good I suppose since other topics that kids around me disagree with turns me into.... let's just say I get mad. I can't think a way to describe it at this moment.

I don't mean to post about something almost no one likes.

So yeah, that was my essay. Not too advanced by any means, but a nice introduction to the topic.

Overall I've been doing well. I'm on pharmaceuticals but am not taking anything illegal. I picked up the tobacco habit (oh well), and plan to quit with nicotine gum/patches in maybe a year or so; but I'm using way too much. I dip, and find myself using almost a can of the strongest dip a day (yikes!). Maybe I just have a honeymoon thing going on. Anyways, I'm going to try to stick to two cans a week (haha I said "a day" at first).

Still drinking a lot of coffee, but not nearly so much as I've been put on a stimulant.

So life is going alright...

(hope you like my essay)

...

When I was 6, I went down to my cousins house for the 4th of July in the town of (undisclosed). We met up and while we where there (me, my brother, my female cousin, and my younger male cousin who's names I will not reveal), snuck out of the main party that my aunts and uncles and parents were having and went to the nearby high school to see some fireworks. I'm not sure why my parents didn't want me to go. After all, it was the fourth, nuff' said.

Anyways, we hopped the fence so we didn't have to pay the entrance fee and found some seats on the grass. It was by far the best fireworks show I have ever seen, besides that one in San Diego about a year ago (JK).

When we were walking back, my cousins friend, whom I shall call Dave just for the hell of it,told me to grab the breasts of my female cousin's hot friend. I was obviously not in 6th grade at the time and knew nothing about love.

So I did it.

And I barely remember the feeling. She screamed and put on the usual show of "OMG, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY JUNK YOU LITTLE BASTARD".

I think she was a C cup.


So that was me getting to 2nd base accidentally. I still somewhat brag about it today that I got there when I was six. Plus, whenever my cousins are around, I get proof on my side.

If I could only be honest with someone who cared about my well being and stick with it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what honesty with myself is. I swing wildly and rapidy from one extreme of emotion to the next and am embarrased by this. People ask all the time how I'm doing and often I'll lie to them because I can't bare to let them really in on what's running a muck in my head. I don't want sympathy I just want understanding. I want to understand why I feel this chaotic. Why can't I make a decision and stick with it? One day I'm okay. One day I wake up and I feel like I can manage this day. I'd like to say that I can find joy in a day but really that's not it. Really I can just get through it without letting all my demons drag me through emotional hell. At times I feel like I"ve made the worst decision in my life being with the partner I'm with. But others I feel like it's not his fault but my own. Maybe if I was better adjusted within myself I wouldn't blame him for everything that is going wrong in my life. But again, I flip constantly. I can't handle it any more. Feelings of guilt, sorrow, anger, helplessness, and rage flow through me. I feel like a horrible mom. I feel like a horrible friend, I feel like a horrible person. I am in constant need of validation from outside myself and I don't understand why. I have no family, not because they are dead but because they want nothing to do with me. My father bowed out of my life at a very early age and when I try to confront him about it he tells me it's my fault he wasn't in my life and still isn't. My mother...well she's a peice of work and I am in constant fear that my own daughter and unborn child are going to grown up hating me as much as I loathe my mother. I look at her and so much anger arises in me. I can remember at the ripe old age of 12 toying with suicide. My sister use to verbally and physically abuse me, along with most of the kids at the small school I grew up in (40ish kids in the graduating class). I feel like a total failure at everything. Although I ought not to. I went from homeless on the streets at 18 to graduating with honors from the best public university in the US at 24. But I constantly think there is something wrong with me. I just can't be happy. I feel guilty for bringing my first daughter into the world as I struggle everyday and now I am bringing another life into this cruel fucked up world. I've been told by professors and mentors alike that I am smart, talented and gifted but yet I waste away in my house afraid to tell anyone just how low I really am. No one really wants to hear about depression and suicidal thoughts. There's only so much someone can really do for a person before they just give up and walk away. Asking for help is hard, especially when those around me know I"m smart enough to fix my situation myself. But am I really? I live in fear, not in love and I don't know how to change that. I need help. But have no one to ask for it. I've told my partner just how empty I feel and sometimes I feel like I have died and gone to hell. That this life is just my punishment. For what? I don't know. But some days I can hide all this. Some days I can trick myself in to thinking that everything is going to be alright. I'm just so tired of being unhappy. I'm so tired of crying silently to myself. So I let it out here, in a community of people who have no idea who I am in real life because I"m too afraid to tell anyone in my real life. Most people would tell me what people here tell me, leave the man, and get on with your life. But is that really the answer? Where would I get my strength from? He feels like home. And I have two kids with him. And maybe he's not my problem but I am my problem. I keep thinking if he'd get a job and help with the basics of life maybe I'd be able to start focusing on my deeper issues but for now they are all tied up together. See a therpaist, most would say...but I don't trust people. I don't want to be judged. I'm mental, I know I am. So for now I sit and cry. I wish I had someone that understood me. I wish I had someone I could turn to talk with. But I don't. I don't trust that anyone really cares. Maybe it's because I've never lived somewhere long enough to make a real friend. At 29 years old the longest I've ever lived in one place was five years. Or maybe it's because when I did reach out to a friend when in need they didn't understand and they distanced themselves from me...............................

I finally let it out somewhere. As unorganized, random chaotic as it may be. It's out for now. Not that it's going to help or matter. I feel so embarrased that I feel this way. I just want to hide under a rock because I feel like a total loser. Then I want that rock to crush my head to I don't have to feel this any more.

i somehow pissed a friend off with an off hand comment i made a few weeks ago. it wasn't directed at him, and i think he is reading too much into two sentences. he proceeded to bitch about the burden that i am putting on unglued while i run around doing what i want. i am quite sorry, but this was a joint decision between unglued and i. part of that decision meant unglued would assume all bills that i used to pay if i didn't ask for any other alimony. unglued can afford to do so, it is just that he doesn't have a lot of spare extra cash. i think that is fair, i contributed to plenty of the stuff i left behind in cali and i am not asking for half the cost of that shit. and i am the one that moved, leaving behind a job and (sorta) starting over (at least as far as work is concerned).

i realize my facebook updates and other posts make light of things. i purposefully contain most of my melodramatic shit to here or chatting with actual friends. i don't really give a flying fuck if it looks to everyone else like i am greatly enjoying myself. well, i guess that isn't true, i do care. but it pisses me off more than anything. especially cause this is a person i talk(ed) to rather frequently, he should know damned well that i say online is a bit of a front. tho vgoraz read our (friend and me) text convo and said i was overreacting. other people who saw the initial comment said he (friend) is overreacting.

gah, i don't like pissing people off when i don't understand why they were pissed off in the first place. this is a reason why i distance myself from my family. they are always looking for double meanings and reading into things when that have no hidden meaning. i am not really in the mood to have friends start doing it too. i have no patience to play games.

i still don't really know what is going on between between unglued and i. he is lonely, i get that living alone is weird. and i don't have that since i am living with vgoraz. but i don't think he really misses me as much as just having someone around. at least in the sense of living together. i do miss hanging out with him, but we tend to chat for 30-45 minutes a day. and text a lot through out the day. but i have no idea where we stand in terms of getting back together. and he doesn't either. and i really am sick of everyone asking about it all the time. i don't want to think about me and unglued 24/7.

blah, i think i just needed to rant. why can't people be as concerned with their lives as they are with mine?

2-fma is a lovely chemical I've been indulging in quite frequently these past few weeks. Frequently as in, 4 times a week. Which I know is a little ridiculous and I've never done a drug this often for this long.

It started the week of Memorial Day. I was put in charge of the back room at work in the mornings, which meant going in at 7am rather than 7:30, opening the truck, starting to unload it, then going down to where the processors are and basically running shit. Getting all the boxes on the conveyer belt to the correct section, opening the mixed boxes and sorting it out, very fast paced, not that processing isn't already. I was nervous because my supervisor who's usually in charge is very fast and always yelling, making it seem more intense than it really has to be. I didn't think I could compare to her and handle everything, so I took 60mg of 2-fma in a capsule the first day. I did just as well as she did, in fact one person told me I did it faster than usual. I was only planning on doing it that one day for the week, like how I dose adderall. I've found that I can't do adderall 2 consecutive days because of how much it drains me and feel best if I do it once a week maximum, which I assumed would be the same for 2-fma. But I was wrong.

That night, sleep came easily and I slept 7 solid hours before getting up at 5:30 the next day. I felt fine, and decided to take another 60mg capsule since it went so well. Again, I found it easy to sleep that night. This progressed over the 3 weeks and I never saw a reason to stop taking it, so I didn't.

The main thing that makes this chemical unique IMO is its lack of negative side effects. Mainly, the ability to eat and sleep. With adderall, even if I take it at 6am, I cannot fall asleep until at least 2am, which means the next day will be hell if I have to get up at 6 again. It also makes it impossible to eat, so when I'm crashing 12 hours later, a lot of that shitty feeling is actually due to low blood sugar from not eating. With 2-fma, I can fall asleep at 10pm if I take it at 6am. And while I don't get hungry, as long as I remember to eat on my lunch breaks, it's not difficult to get some food down, which means that I don't feel shitty later. Actually I don't even notice the come down. All I know is that at the end of my shift (4pm, almost 10 hours after ingesting) I still feel a bit of stimulation, but it's not that noticeable when I get home. Then I actually get an appetite for dinner time and am tired by bed time. Get a solid night's sleep, then when I get up again, I'm fully refreshed and my body doesn't feel like it was on drugs the day before. Pretty incredible. Oh, another thing, I never developed a tolerance. Even doing it 4 mornings in a row, 60mg gave me the same boost each time.

As for the effects while on it - It feels pretty similar to adderall to me. Perhaps a bit less intense and euphoric. I have this problem with adderall that happens every time I try to write a paper on it: I get distracted. It makes me feel so great that I wanna go do something fun. Because it makes hanging with mates, driving around, having sex, listening to tunes, biking, playing video games, and pretty much everything under the sun so much more enjoyable, I wanna go do one of those rather than write a paper. Now I haven't tried to write a paper on 2-fma yet as I'm off for the summer, but I have a feeling it will be easier to do. I don't get such an intense body buzz on it. I get a buzz about 30 minutes after taking it, but this fades rather quickly, although I don't really notice it leaving. Then I'm just in a better mood, with more energy and focus, but I don't feel that rush like adderall. I'm not sweating excessively or over-stimulated; basically I don't feel like I'm tweaking. In my opinion, adderall has more recreational value but 2-fma is perfect for what it is, which is a functional stimulant for when you wanna get some shit done and be in a good mood during it.

Right now it's the fourth week of use and I feel great. Although I'm not doing it every day this week as my supervisor came back and I don't have to be up as early. I'll report back in a month or two about my well-being, as this may not be sustainable over a long period of time. But so far, so good.