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I'm no longer ruled by thoughts of using. Being trapped in the cycle of using and finding ways and means to get more, has passed. Reading my previous journal entry reminds me of how long i spent running from myself, using drugs as a means to alter my reality and make it seem more managable. In truth though my life was completely unmanageable, I was failing my course, hanging out with people who just wanted someone to get wasted with, neglecting my girlfriend and isolating, rarely leaving my room and buying into the self defeating bullshit going through my head.

I'm constantly reminded of the consequences of my using. I developed epilepsy after having a grand mal seizure due to outright stopping a huge benzo habit with no taper. I found myself £3.000 in debt with most of it spent on drugs. I hurt my family after ending up in hospital on several occasions. I also hurt myself mentally and emotionally. I was often depressed and suicidal because i didn't know how to be happy without drugs.

Now things are back on track, going back to college soon to learn a trade. I have friends i can actually talk to about feelings and what's really going on. Most importantly, my family are learning to trust me again and we're rebuilding bridges. I feel happier but i still struggle with anxiety but that's something i'm working on with the help of CBT.

Onwards and upwards!

I am not right. It's just a stupid thing I thought of. The machine that i am in, society, dictates my life. my life is unique and fucking peculiar. i was born and bred to be an artist of my own soul. what the fuck happened? government starts dictating rules, separate people who are no better than me start to rule others, is this the truth? the truth is that i do not rule you, nor you i, and for as long as i do not hurt another human, i am supposed to exist. no lines, no marriages, no laws, no dictatorships, no religions, no niches, no compartmentalization, no labels. my words do not exist. but they are familiar and it is time i either realize that i do not exist or that i am to fickle to take back the power from the government

I don't mean it in a philosophical way. I mean, I don't know why I joined Bluelight. I've never had a drink, or touched a drug, don't smoke. I don't know what it is that attracted me here and brings me back day after day. It's a curiosity of sorts, I imagine. "So THIS is how the other half lives?!"

As clean cut as I am-no criminal record, not even a ticket, hell, not even detention-it always surprises people in real life when they ask me my views on many things. I'm for the decriminalization of all drugs and prostitution, as well as the lowering of the drinking age to 18. This is based on the simple premise that consenting, mentally competent adults should be able to do with themselves as they wish as long as no third parties are harmed.

I'm very non-judgmental, and have all kinds of friends in real life that attest to this. I see posts on here by people from all walks of life, and I glean as much insight as I can from their experiences. Having grown up extremely sheltered, I learn a lot about what life is really like.

As someone who's very much analytical, amongst other things, I try to give back the "life experience" I vicariously gain by offering levelheaded advice, albeit almost exclusively in the SLR forum. Granted, I have absolutely no relationship experience-not even holding hands-but I've learned a lot through people around me in real life. I've read many psychology articles and I people watch. That, coupled with my intelligence, high interpersonal skills, problem solving skills, common sense, and the psychology and sociology classes I took in college allow me to help others.

I love that most the people I've encountered on this site are very open minded and helpful as well. I appreciate the help I've received, and will receive in the future to help me eventually get into a relationship. At the very least, I'll be able to offer advice based on personal experience, which is always better. Although my dissection of human behavior is nice, it's an incomplete spectrum.

Meanwhile, I shall continue to analyze everyone else's experiences to death in order to better plan what to do and what to avoid. My entrance into the relationship realm will be executed perfectly. But for now, I'll continue to offer advice from a pragmatic state of mind.

Only leads to sadness. Nostalgia is such a fucking waste of time. Eat shit.

The past always seems better when viewed from the present. The bad gets cut out & the good glossed over. After 15 I turned it to shit & only looked back to mourn.

I cling to that city, because I have this distorted view that once I am there, life will be good. I will be happy. That's irrational, and I recognise that, but it's all I have. One day I will live there & I will be happy.

Well, I must be...

Cummings, Plath, Franco and others quotes dance around my mind
a chattering, clatter of pentameter.

Parameter, a gauge on high
who ever would have known
that an old monochrome
image of me passed far beyond
the au courant horizon

tribulation a trial--a trail. I climbed. I danced until
the sun swept under
These ashes are traded in winds
in syncope.
I am a whirlwind of curiosities
and intrigue.
I am a hyacinth, hydrangea, hybrid hydra
of sorts.
I am a stranger to myself, to all that is
around.
In my ethereal den, eternally
hibernating.
Counting clocks for fun and watching life
unravel I watch.
Observing. Like my- ology or ism
with hope & fear.
Beguiled in trust that something might
change.
If not me, perhaps the world might revolve around something;
anything better than idly waiting.
Like me,
a still picture of a frozen lake or of Dorian Gray.

------------
I intend on reading this at my poetry group so if anyone has any suggestions on meter and/or wording please do share. I am very rusty on my poetical technique and could really use the help. Thanks xox.

Fuck.

I can't say I didn't know this would happen. I sort of did.

But I forgot.

So now that I have gotten rid of my addictions and my pharmaceuticals, I have the urge to pull my eyelashes out.

It was a compulsion I had since I was a little girl. I don't understand how or why I ever started. My eyelids bothered me; they itched and sometimes one or the other would twitch. I know it sounds disgusting. Here's the worst:
I pinched my eyelashes between my thumb and index finger and I pulled. My eyelashes came out one or two at a time. Sometimes I continued until I had no eyelashes on one eye.

I did this fairly regularly until I started Prozac and Xanax, years ago. I don't even remember when I started taking Prozac and Xanax. It's been well over one decade and probably two. In all these years I have not pulled my eyelashes out.

Tonight, if I were not typing, I would be tugging over my right eye. My eyelid feels hot. I started to pull at my eyelashes earlier tonight while I was watching a movie. I became fully aware that I was tugging at my lashes and I forced myself to stop before I had pulled a single one.

If I am to overcome this really embarrassing tic, I'm going to have to think of a plan.

to be continued.

Again, these journal entries are not for the faint of heart. -Erika



11/13/2008

I haven't cut myself in a couple days which is an improvement. I'm trying to heal by putting scar lotion on my scars. Hopefully, it will help. I was reading the script for my MRI today and my symptoms were listed like so: psychosis, mood swings, depression. Psychosis?! Really? Like psychotic? I wouldn't describe myself as psychotic. At all. I'm not crazy. That's a full load of bullshit. Yes, I adore my doctor and all, but I think she's wrong. She's a educated woman, but I'm not crazy. Mood swings? Yes. Depressed? Yes. But not psychotic. What really describes you as psychotic anyways? I KNOW I hear voices. I KNOW they're not real. So I'm not delusional. I'M NOT CRAZY! xx



11/14/2008

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death--really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous." -Girl, Interrupted



11/16/2008

So the guy I was interested in told me last night that he was in love with this other girl who is conveniently engaged. Her name is Erika. Not me. So that's that. I thought he really liked me, but I guess not. I was wondering why he suddenly stopped trying to get in touch with me. Whatever. It happens...a lot. The whole being in love with some girl who's engaged was a bit of a surprise. But HEY! Good luck to him. Fuck it. Other than that I'm okay. I did have a huge anxiety attack today. All the noises were so overwhelming. The bugs, the lawn mower. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I was screaming inside. Then they came! The voices! Not the farmers, but the scary ones. They asked me, "do we have a deal?" No. We don't. We don't have a fucking deal. NO! No! Fucking no! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Gah! I'm so tired of hearing them. I'm so sick. Just go away. Especially when I'm having an anxiety attack. It makes me want to chop my arm off, but I didn't. And that's good. It was so hard not to take that blade and press down really hard. That's not what I'm trying to achieve by healing. And I AM healing. xx



11/19/2008

I'm on cloud 9. I wish I could always feel this way. I am. A fuck up. Maybe I'll wake up for once. Rescue me. xx

another BLOGGGGGGGG.. and it's good, well, for me at least.. I am actually CLEAN and FEEL GOOD. well, kinda clean.. I've been on 16MG on Subox for the past week or so. It's working and working great. It's keeping me away from all other opiates and have completely crumbled my drive to use. That's great. I even enrolled in an outpatient program that will run 3 days a week and 3 hours a day. I plan to use this Subox for the next year or so and slowly wind down over the course of a year. I TRULY FEEL GOOD AND CONFIDENT ALL WILL WORK. this is the first time I've felt this way after using for so long and I can definitely get used to this.

This blog post is more for myself.. but hey, its my blog, so who cares.. it's to keep track of my progress, or maybe even steps back.. but as of now it's progress. Let's hope my next is 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then a month clean, etc..

well, I started my out patient program today and its officially my 2nd week clean. things have been going much better than expected and I have actually turned my life around.. moved out of my apartment, left my old job, left my old GF, hanging out w/ friends I once "forgot" about and I have been out most of the day and coming home around 930/10 at night rather than sit in all day and just wait for the buy and use.. and then sit some more. I gotta say, I actually MISS THIS LIFE!

Since last week I have used Klonapin which I am prescribed but only twice.. and I am laying off that as well, although it was never an actual problem, its def. NOT something I want to end up subbing for the opiates.

The outpatient program I am in seems great as well. There are 7 of us in there and 4 are opiate users and 3 alcoholics. Heard all great stories today and we were all very open and understanding of one another. Things just seem to be going well and I have my fingers crossed they stay this way forever.. but I know that's on me! So we'll see!

Thanks, guys! Everyone here has been great.

With more empty only deepens the abyss. I yearn only for you, drifting away.

I just noticed it's been over 10 years ago since i signed up to Bluelight.

That'd make it about 10 years ago since my first Ecstasy experience, which is what lead me to bluelight, as i was researching and browsing the internet about MDMA.

i was about 19 at the time. My friend who was a few years older than me mentioned to me one day that he had taken Ecstasy, and how much he loved it.

He didn't stop talking about it for weeks. He asked me to do it with him. At first i wasn't really into the idea. Growing up my parents were always pretty strict about drugs, etc etc. Drinking alochol was okay, but drugs were a big no no.

Anyway, the more my friend talked about it, the more my inquisitive mind wanted to know more. So i started asking him questions about it, etc etc. i also spent countless hours on the internet reading about it. Many of those hours were on this very site, the Ecstasy Discussion forum.

I'm glad i took the time to read and research about it a lot. It was thanks to websites like bluelight that helped educate me. I had a lot of respect for the drug and never took it consecutive nights or weekends. Always had 4 weeks break minimum in between rolls... i use to count down the weekends 'till my next roll. it was good having that discipline not taking it every weekend, it made me appreciate it a lot more when i did take it. As time went on those 4 weeks became 5 weeks, and so on...

I'm so glad i experienced MDMA. what i love most about it is how it really just opens you up. brings even the most reserved person to life. I have always been quite a reserved person socially. kinda keep to myself, don't really say much. Very shy at times especially talking to beautiful women. but when i'm on MDMA, i'm able to just let go and walk over all those social walls i normally have. Gives me the confidence i otherwise don't have, and just allows me to be me. No bullshit. and it's genuine too... unlike alcohol where there's times when you're intoxicated you say and do things you otherwise just wouldn't do. but with MDMA, i have been able to meet and talk to people i otherwise wouldn't have. and the best thing is that many of those people i have became friends with and talked to long after the MDMA has worn off. that's the difference between alcohol and MDMA, for me anyway.

the one thing i hate about MDMA is the stigma that comes with it. a lot of people look down on MDMA because it's just another one of those "illicit" bad drugs. the funny thing for me when i started taking MDMA was that the majority of my friends and my major group of friends, none of them took it. they were all big drinkers, and had no problem in writing themselves off on alcohol, but any drug such as Ecstasy was kind of looked down upon.
i guess they just didn't understand, but at the same time i can't blame them for that - i once had a similar outlook on drugs in general before i took the time to read and research into things. i guess we've all been guilty of being ignorant about something. with all the bullshit and propaganda you hear and read about, combined with the scare tactics many parents use on their own children, it's no wonder why drugs such as MDMA have such a bad rep.

but anyway.. most of them knew that i was on MDMA.. while some didn't even notice.

MDMA has helped me recognise the person i want to be. the person i enjoy being. it's helped me ask questions of myself -- why am i such a reserved person normally, and why do i generally lack so much confidence? my self esteem is a problem, and something i need to work on. MDMA has given me perspective, and helped me help myself in certain ways i probably wouldn't have realised otherwise.

anyway, MDMA is not the be all and end all of life. it's just one of the many many experiences life has to offer. it won't solve your problems, or make you a better person. but like any experience in life, you'll get to take away something from it. what you take away is up to you. for some people MDMA is just a hell of a good time, while for others it's a tool they use to self reflect and gain perspective they otherwise wouldn't have had.

have fun. be safe, and always make sure you use the majority of your energy on appreciating the things you DO have, and not worrying or thinking about the shit you DON'T have.

pz.

I have been depressed since I was 12 years old. the intensity of the depression varies seemingly getting worse with any kind of stress. I have been so stressed lately college just stresses me the fuck out. Because its just bullshit just a bunch of hoops to get through so you can get a piece of paper proving what? Most the people in my class are idiots making the whole experience miserable. The truth is I really don't like most people. I dare say if it weren't for drugs and the need to procure them I might not have any friends. And if I am honest with myself at the rate I am going I may not have any friends soon anyway. I just have a hard time relating to people and I am often not sure what I am supposed to do or say.

I could sit here and type a novel about how isolated and sad I feel but I know you don't want to read it and frankly im too tired to explain. But it suffices to say that I am not enjoying this anymore. I am running out of reasons to stick around. Drugs are fun but they are starting to get hard to find. I guess the best solution is to move to a city with an open air market. But how do I get the money to move? My minimum wage job wont cut it. I cant find drugs to sling. Options are pretty limited indeed. I know I need to make a drastic change but I am so fucking scared of change its pathetic. I have been stuck with this so long I don't even know how to change. fuck being 24

Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n Roll?? That's right up my alley! Feel free to answer the quiz on your own too! It's a fun way to kill 15 minutes

Sex

1. How many times have you had sex?
For real? How could I possibly answer that question. I’m 34, starting having sex at 16, have had 7 serious relations, and between them filled the gaps with countless lovers, one night stands, and regretful drunken flings

2. Is sex really important to you in a relationship?
It’s extremely important to me. When I start a relationship, the sex needs to be almost daily. But it can taper off a bit as the relationship settles in. Although, it still better remain frequent and passionate. Otherwise, there is no relationship. You are just friends without the sex.

3. Do you like to have sex with people of the same sex, or the opposite sex?
I like both. I’ve had lots of lesbian lovers, and committed relationships. Although the majority of my partners have been men

4. How was the first time you had sex [details if you don’t mind]?
It wasn’t bad at all. Of course, it was fairly short. But we had been high school sweethearts for a year by the time we lost our virginity to each other. I was primed, since we had lots and lots of finger play before then. So it never hurt. I remember there was a nice euphoria after, although the sex itself wasn’t mind blowing. But by the 3rd of 4th time, we started to get the grove and it got pretty damn good.

5. How many different positions have you tried?
Countless numbers.

6. And how many different places have you done it?
Again countless numbers – every room in the house of course. Parents beds. The beach, on boats, camping. A hockey game. At bars. At parties. The list goes on.

7. How long does sex usually last for you?
Depends on the circumstances (how many drugs are we both on is a big factor). But probably about 20-30 minutes. I did have one boyfriend who consistently lasted hours. That was too much to handle. (so was the size of his member, lol)

8. Ever worry about getting caught?
When I was younger. Not now.

9. Have you ever been caught?
I’ve had sex in front of people, but that’s not actually getting caught I guess. No, not in the act. I got caught when people found out later though.

10. What position do you like best [don’t be shy!]?
I love doggie, and cowgirl.

11. Why is sex better rough?
There is an animalistic feel to it. Like you are breaking all the rules of conventional society and behaving with your cardinal instincts. And as a female, I love the feeling of being completely dominated

Drugs

1. How many different types of drugs have you done [list them]? Ha, I don’t know if I can list them all, but I will give it a try, lumping some together in categories.
Cannabis
Cocaine
Crack
Methamphetamine
Amphetamine
Heroin
Morphine
Hydrocodone
Oxycotin
Opana
Various other Opiate prescription drugs
Mushrooms (many varieties)
LSD
DMT
4-ACE-DMT
5-MEO-DMT
2C-Family (2c-I, 2c-b, 2c-e, etc, etc, etc…)
Ketamine
MXE
Benzo’s - Xanax, Temazepam, Klonopin, etc…
Barbiturates
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Nitrous Oxide
Spice
Salvia
MDMA (ecstasy pills, molly)
I’m sure there are more, including RC’s, but I can’t think of them all right now

2. How many different types of alcohol have you drank?
Jeeze, again, too many to list
Beer
Wine
Rum (light, dark, coconut, etc)
Vodka (lots of flavors)
Wine Coolers
Tequila
Schnapps
Whiskey
Bourbon
I don’t even want to go on…

3. How was your first time getting drunk/high?
First time was fun. I drank vodka straight up.

4. Do you prefer drugs or alcohol?
Drugs a hundred times over

5. What is your favorite drug?
Hard to choose a favorite. But Heroin, LSD, DMT and Pot certainly top the list. Although I’ve had abuse problems with almost every drug I’ve tried including sever problems with Meth, Coke Benzo’s and Ecstasy.

6. Have you ever been to a rave?
Yep

7. Do you take any prescription drugs [for medical reasons or not]?
Yep, all the time. For medical use (anti-depressants, amphetamine, benzo’s, soma, birth control) and have taken tons recreationally.

8. Do the parties you go to generally have drugs/alcohol?
Yes. All of them.

9. Have you ever tried IVing drugs?
Yes, I almost exclusively IV any drug possible. Heroin, Meth, Coke, I’ve love IVing LSD, and have tried MDMA among other drugs.

9. Are you a social drinker/smoker?
I’m a daily smoker and a social drinker now. Although there have been times where some would call me a raging alcoholic. Since I do junk daily (along with pot) I don’t drink daily anymore. Very rarely actually.

10. Is anyone in your family an alcoholic/drug addict?
Yes, many people in my family have been alcoholics.

13. Are you addicted to any drugs? Or have you been?
Yes, I’m addicted to heroin (I’m a junky), Crystal Methamphetamine (and a tweaker) and Cigarettes. I’ve considered myself addicted to other drugs in the past, and I was addicted to them. But nothing compares to the hold that junk and meth can have on you. They make all other addictions pale in comparison (besides alcohol)

12. Been to rehab?
No, I’m not ready to quit yet. Although I was able to stop a raging meth problem 2 times on my own. I also go o NA meeting and see a therapist at the Needle Exchange.

Rock&Roll

1. Who is your favorite band?
Phish, hands down. But the Disco Biscuits aren’t far behind.

2. Do prefer rock to rap?
Yes. I’m a Rock ‘n Roll girl.

3. What was the last concert you went to?
Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.

4. How much money would you pay to see your favorite band perform live [I mean you’d have front row seats and all that]?
I’ve paid over $350 per ticket to see Phish. Probably a little more than that for some shows. And they were never front row seats!

5. Do you have any band tees? Which ones?
Many Phish shirts, multiple Grateful Dead, Janes Addiction haha. I’ll definitely get t-shirts for STS9 and The Disco Biscuits too.

6. Do you sing along to songs all the time?
All the time.

7. Are you a music junkie?
Absolutely! I’m the definition of a music junky.

8. Who is your favorite old rock star?
David Byrne

9. What is your favorite movie involving rock music?
This is Spinal Tap

10. Would you ever be in a band?
I was in lots of bands earlier in life, including a jazz band. I played piano.

11. How many shows do you go to in a year?
There have been years I’ve seen close to 50 shows a year, if not more. An average year, I still see over 30 probably.

All of ‘em together

1. Why do people associate the three of these things together?
The obviously go hand in hand. You take lots of drugs at shows, then you get horny on the drugs, listening to mind blowing music and go have sex after the show.

2. Out of the three which is your favorite?
Can’t choose one. I couldn’t live without music though. Or sex for that matter. I could live without drugs, but I don’t want to.

3. Would you give up the other two to have a lot of the other one?
I have struck a very nice balance. So I am not going to give up any of them.

4. Ever associate them together yourself [ex: sex with music]?
Of course, as I mentioned, they go hand in hand.


5. Do you have any advice on getting into any of the three?
Just experiment with new things. Listen to music you've never heard before, try a new position between the sheets. And don't be scared of new drugs, if you want to try them. But don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to!

I had a dream that I was looking all over for my kit. I was going to do a line and I was searching madly for my kit. After a long time of looking, I started thinking about what else I could use to a line. I went into a private bathroom off a private bedroom (the house I was in was immaculate, so it wasn't my house.)

In the dream I felt bad that I was going back to the drug. I briefly considered saying no, but I felt like I wouldn't get the chance again. I had bud with me in the dream. I don't know where I got it. I don't where I got drugs either. I just had them and wanted to find my kit.

I know exactly where my kit is in real life. I don't have any drugs in it. I don't have the money to buy drugs. I don't have the desire to buy drugs. I have a couple joints right here. I'm going to get high and eat bacon. I don't want drugs.

I don't like dreaming about drugs though. The rush before the come up... the anticipation of the come up... I had forgotten about that and my dream reminded me.

I am a little bit tempted this morning.

Well its been awhile since I have written here. A lot of things in my life have changed in the last 4 months. I decided not to return to the university I was attending. Instead I stayed in my hometown and I am attending community college. I have 9 more hours before I receive my 2 year general studies degree. I should have that done by December when I will try and transfer to the 4 year school in my hometown. I am still single which kinda sucks because I feel really lonely. I know I am not ugly but I just don't have a lot of self confidence. Plus I am living with my parents right now so its tough to bring girls here and stuff. On the upside I should have an apartment in the next couple weeks and I got a job making sandwiches 20 hours a week. I like the job as its really chill and my good friend works with me.

I keep thinking that I should be feeling pretty good about my life right now. But instead I am still fighting this feeling of melancholy. In fact I realize I will probably be fighting it forever. That really sucks because if I am destined to be miserable my whole life than there is really no point in living. Well if I am honest it weren't for drugs I would be dead already.

I have been pretty successful staying away form the heroin. I have only used a couple times in the last 4 months. I think my addiction to it is pretty much done. Even when I do it I don't jones like I used too. In fact getting back on suboxone after a run is a relief. I just wonder if I would feel the same way without the suboxone? I really doubt I would.

Well I am going to try and write more often now that I hae a computer again. Thanks for reading. PLUR

test

I have been in MS working for a few months now since late April. I have been going to NA alot since I have been out here, eventhough I am on Methadone. If you know the stance NA has on Methadone, you understand that it has been a little dificult to go every day and see people talking about clean time and what not. I haven't used an illegal substance, heroin or even pot since I came out here. Unffortunately I used a few days before I left. I do not count the time have been out here clean time because of methadone. I am in the only city in the whole state that actually has a clinic, by the way. SO lucked out there. I am on High Risk probation back home and every month I have get permission to be out here. I sometimes have to fly home and report but I do what I got to do to get better and work. I could not find work back home, for some reason there is this stigmata that 3 time felons and junkies do make good workers, where they got this from is beyond me. But I found a job out here that didnt do a background check and they actually got to find out I am a very hard worker, when I do spend all my time making sure I got my hit s I am not sick. I am working on getting off my methadone. I am down to 14 and should be done in 28 days or so. I am not going fast by all means but I am not going slow either. I very tired of having to pay them a lot of money and I am a slave to a substance still. I think this time in trying to get clean is working better because I am finally doing for me. Not my wife of 10+ years. That is such a dificult situation because I would like to give us a chance but she is not too mcuh in that frame of mind. I just do not understand how you can throw what we had away but maybe she has changed into a very different person. She was my life, I will never love anyone else like the way I love her. But if I must continue my journey through life without her, I will. I am tired of throwing a pity party for myself and I need to get on. I am going to be clean on the 25th of September. I look forward to it even though it will be tough.

My parents celebrated fifty-five years of marriage today.

By doing absolutely nothing.

They live over five hundred miles from any relatives. They are both in poor health. I spoke to my mother this evening and she sounded terrified. Drunk. But terrified.

My mom was a mysterious and vibrant woman. My father a mysterious and vibrant man. They lived out their flaws silently in front of me.

Now they are alone. I wish I could take care of them but I take care of my youngest grandson and given the choice, I chose my grandson. I might be making a mistake but I have made so many mistakes in my life that I'm not afraid of making the rest of them. Fuck it. The decision has been made and I'm committed.

The sting of having to make hard decisions is ameliorated to a degree because I have seen my parents bank statements. They can afford to change the situation. They have options because of my father's financial prowess, and also because the post WWII generation lived in a different economy that I do. (I am alarmed to admit that my children have become adults in an economy weaker than the one in which I raised my kids.)

I hate to hear my mother weep in sorrow and fear. Death stalks them now. They face it alone together while they each witness the other visibly slip closer to the darkness.

They are not doing anything to help their situation. I can't judge them because I don't know what it's like to have my fifty fifth wedding anniversary come and go as if it did not matter. I know my mother wanted something to happen and nothing happened.

I am troubled by this.

On the other hand, it is their anniversary, not mine. I have no job and no income whatsoever. My greeting card options were even severely limited. My parents know my situation. It seems to me they could have had a nice dinner catered in, ordered a cake and had it delivered, and celebrated together.

But no. Instead, they did nothing and I regret not being able to do more and I wonder why I didn't make more of an effort.

just getting by, one day at a time. Right now I'm drinking some belvedere, feeling optimistic despite getting arrested on felony drug charges.. By the grace of God I got a job, found a home, got back in college... only to get arrested the same day I signed up for my classes. It's like I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. FUCK

Okay for awhile. My tub is almost up and i rememeber what it felt like last time...What scared me so much about it was it was triggering audibal voices. And muscle pain....And insomnia. I know I have been on it for two amd a half month's and that's a long time but I have to quit this now in order to get my addiction under control....Does anybody here have good result's with there depression lifting. I really never noticed that I was more out going then I normally would be but, today I got hit with a massive wave of depression and I was like UGH! I feel like crap. I don't know maybe it's just placebo or something.

Back in my bed, I woke up screaming, from discomfort/terror. The dream felt real- as real as reality awake was, or "more", as it was so emotionally/sensually charged, and she, the girl I was looking for, felt north... or "up". I felt that the only way to connect with her was through that, the place I was just at. But it felt so far away. Impossibly far for me to reach, at that time. And I wanted to go back.

The pain/discomfort/fear was a great deal, possibly, in part due to a retainer I was wearing, to keep my jaw aligned, and teeth apart/not clenched and bruxing... I was biting pretty hard on it and I think it was kind of on it's way down the direction of my throat, but that would be impossible due to it's size and shape. But that didn't stop the sensation.

The direction felt matched the direction (~50 miles north) of the girl who I met about four-five years later, who would match the experience, in some kind of parallel.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Gustave_Dor%C3%A9_Andromeda.jpg

I associate Cassiopeia with the number 23. 23, I have in my life, with synchronicity. Connections. Perhaps if I had focus with another number, I'd have focus with that number. Themes, I would and do notice, from time to time. Sometimes I lock onto other numbers, and stories, themes, whathaveyou. They get in my head, and then I seem to see it in other things- reflected in my life, as it goes on. Associations. I have had it happen enough to realize, and to completely challenge, that it is not just, well, something to be downplayed or written off as such-and-such, as so many people have tried to do (and perhaps I have, too). I think there is always more to things. And, perhaps less.

But I don't want to go too deep, or I'll, and kind of already have lost myself, in trying to explain, myself- my mind- my experiences.

But why I associate this number with Cassiopeia? It's shaped like a W. W is the 23rd letter of the alphabet, the one (this one) used most commonly in our world. I don't really see it-and that changing any time soon, but I don't have any idea, ultimately. It could also be said to be shaped like our 13th letter- M. This, for one.

As I am writing this, just now (I had written something and deleted it, and forget what it was... In argument for 23 I know),
A Chantal "aeternus" Merlin added me to her circle on Google+, for some reason.
Her last post is May 23rd. There are a few.

Apparently Gamma Cassiopeia is blue (but might change colors, if I remember right). A blue sub-giant. This is the star that my emotions/thought found a peak in. Like an Ahhhhhh. Wish I could telepathically share it, how I experienced it, and this reflection. Everything good, I wish I could. Right? Yes. But bad, keep hidden. Wish.

I'm always looking for ways to fit in.

This star, it has a companion star, and it is apparently more white-blue. I think I read that. It might be a neutron star. Gamma Cassiopeia is apparently hard to get a good reading on. It's also known to be abnormally magnetic. I am just regurgitating what I remember from skimming earlier, but it's quite oval from it's high speed of rotation, very magnetic, changes temperatures drastically, apparently. From what I remember.

The dream I had years ago... I had a dream years ago that felt real. I found myself in a room, golden/orange/yellow/white with a green cube in the center on a pedestal of sorts. I felt like a child. And I felt like I was in a suggestive state, almost, perhaps hypnotized. Drug-like. Half asleep. And psychedelic-like at times.

There was a young girl, there with me. But she was my age. Red hair. I had been searching for a red-head previously, in a dream, which flowed into this one.

God I don't want to detail it so much again... I need to sleep.

There was a door-shaped cut in the wall- the vessel. No window, no barrier. I felt I could just fall out, if I stepped too far. It was kind of scary, but cool. Outside, there was space, and from what I saw, two... stars.

In the past I have wondered what these stars were. I have thought they might be Sirius A and B and didn't know where C or .. I don't know. I thought that they might be the Earth and the moon. But I distinctly remember they both looked on fire. Still, at that distance, they would have blinded me. Maybe there was some filter. Maybe it was just a dream. But it would be neat if it wasn't. But maybe life is just a dream. Right?

There were two other figures in there, other than the red-haired girl-- A man and a woman. The man was made up of what looked like water-colored paint, or something, paint that was coming into existence, from white and "black", and what was in between, and disappearing just as fast, but I could make out a blurry human form. Maybe.. Maybe I just couldn't see him. He seemed to be at a control station of sorts. But it was very, very simple. The room was entirely uncluttered except for his slightly raised position, and something where he was, I think, and this central green cube, on the pedestal.

The woman, she seemed to never do anything. She stood in a corner, facing the cube (she'd be facing a corner of it, looking head on, as she stared from the corner). She was all black. Perhaps her face was white. Maybe her hair was brown. Her head was down, in a humble position, prayer, or something.

The girl, after we frolicked or were children, and something happened (I don't know, got older? simultaneously young and that age I was/around), she would be found on one side of this room. The "back", opposite the doorway to the outside-space.

(Going into detail, while omitting some because I'm trying to...)

I felt suggestible/suggested. I followed a path around the room, walking toward the girl, who was facing the left as I walked toward her from the window/door-- her right, right side of her body against the red-gold wall. I turned left, walked by the woman... And there seemed to be the kind of ropes that theaters sometimes have. Or plays. Or rides. Or what. I don't know. What are they called? Then I turn left. Left, left, and another left, and then a right, to face this green cube, where the "psychedelic" effects would occur.

The cube was a somewhat dark-dull green color, and not very interesting on first glance, or.. The color being as it was, not all bright and happy like trippers/stoners like, as I was. At some point, I did hear the man say his only words: "This may hurt a little bit", or something like that.

The cube, I don't remember the order here... The cube was fluxing in it's color. It would seem to glow, and it was a bright emerald green color, radiating this green color around it. It seemed to flux to this brighter color, where I felt happy, and high, very nicely high. There was an imperfection that I seemed to focus on, in this cube. The cube itself was crystalline, gemstone, quartzish (or what I don't know I've thought it might be many things. Jasper. Maybe not). But I found myself focusing on this imperfection. The one imperfection, seemingly... in the entire room. Everything else so clean. Smooth as silk. Crystal. And here, that's where things seemed to happen. The tiny crack/notching out of the mineralization, from that a liquid/lightning visual would appear... Kind of like ... Flight of the Navigator, when they time travel, and the image in it's "eye" at that time, kind of like that, but green.

...But he said this may hurt at little.

And it did.

I fell, back to earth, through the floor of the ship, in what felt like some kind of strong gravity... putting it lightly. I felt strung, pulled, spaghettied. Broken. I specifically remember a breaking jaw feeling, or like my jaw was separating... My bones separating. The jaw was the worst. I can go into actual life things that influenced all this, or were tied, but it doesn't ultimately detract.

But before I fell, I witnessed the room as a computer, and all of the elements, as parts of that "computer". It was so simple, elegant, and functional. I understood it. Somehow. It was like, the "right under our noses" simplicity, but perfect function. Older than anything on earth. Perhaps older than earth-itself. I don't really have any idea, that's just the feeling I got. Like we derived from it, or from the same technology... if it can even be called that.

Right.

And I saw a green layer, as if I was viewing from inside the cube, or something, but looking top down like it was motherboard (the people, elements, chips, function-ers in the system). The green layering, the only association I have found, and it might not apply here... Motherboards often have this green coating. It's called a solder mask. The color was exactly as that.

It might all be symbolic, but perhaps all literal. I don't really know.

Then I was returned, fell through the floor, and the last person I see, was the darker woman... The last I remember, before I am falling through space, or so it seemed, seeing stars, which I saw weren't stars, but symbols, characters, letters, glyphs... What-ever they might be called. Then one seemed to come into focus in the center, and I seemed to know it meant and explained, somehow, love. Just like how I understood the simplicity, the how it works, of the "computer", I understood this love, as fundamental, normal, essential, true, non-fearing as we sometimes do, and I knew how to love- then. Or something like that. And I wanted to share it with the girl from the dream... The girl I was searching for, before I found myself in that "ship" (passing more or less seamlessly, from another red-room, with red "fog" like heat).

The dream before, I was in love. Fell in love with a girl. But she was standing at a drop-off, and I felt so weak, not like "a man" should. I felt like putting my weight to her, as would happen if I fell- there, would put us over the drop off, and cause injury to her/me. It was just a step down, but the heels of her feet were at the edge. I left her, there, said I needed to say something to my friends, or use the bathroom, but that I'd be back. I just needed to catch myself, before I fell, I think... Or before I fell over her, perhaps hurting her in the process. But when I got back, she wasn't anywhere to be found. I saw another red-haired girl, went up to her, but it wasn't her, and here is where I found myself in the ship. I don't think the one in the ship was the one I was going for.

I know, this is back and forth, and has probably gotten hard to read.

But the one in the ship... Perhaps was still someone I'm interested in. Because she was there. She just didn't look the same. Wasn't the same one. I don't really know. At all.

But the experience... Mirrors later experience in my waking life. Maybe that's just the power of the human mind, in it's gift of connection-making, but who has laid a claim to the territory of that? Who has defined it?

Last night, I was struggling, various ways, with a friend, with myself, with the environment, with reality.

I was in my mind (unconsciously) trying to downplay the wonder of space, and things. We were out at his place, standing by his van, looking up at the stars.

I had a moment where I was just seeing them as white dots. I've lived in the city so long, and here we were in the country, my home-land, where the stars are much brighter/more visible. I was in pain, and it's sometimes hard to let go of it. I build reasons... But nevermind that.

I was scanning the sky, as we were, and I was having a feeling of insignificance to everything, and sameness, uniformity... making it nothing... But then I checked that, and remembered that no, we aren't looking at "stars"- not just stars... But entire galaxies, many of them... And here was the milk way- the band of it, and the "fog" that is also, perhaps, stars, and dust (I am not sure, really... But I'd like to know, again).... But I saw how each star or cluster was so varied from the next, and each planet so much different, even if similar enough, from the next. So many possible variations for life, and conditions, formations, pressures, uhh.

I was scanning, and as my imagination built to grasp the possibility of awareness out there, My eyes rested on one star, and that was an "ahhh"... A peak of feeling- like the feeling I had. Like a magnet, my emotions were.

I had no idea, consciously, which star it was, or even if it belonged to a major constellation, though I don't doubt that my unconscious mind had an idea.

Still, my eyes found themselves to, as we found it was, rest on Cassiopeia, the very center of the constellation, of the five "stars" that we see with our naked eye.

From our closest star (system), Proxima Centauri, our system rests in the direction, and in the constellation of Cassiopeia.... And what I felt was genuinely like a magnet in my head/body/heart... The emotional process. I don't know how to say it exactly like I felt. I felt awareness. The feeling spiked at that star, in the center, and the feelings began while looking at that constellation.

This was just an instance, and a way I justify. I moments later looked up at the star furthest to the right, in the constellation, and felt a different kind of "awareness", there. I am sure some of it was projection, and purely "coincidence" (which means nothing but falling together).

I am off tomorrow and Tuesday. But I have a lot of shit to take care of. And a Suboxone doctor appointment on Tuesday. So I can piss and hopefully get my prescription and jump up and down. I hate my therapist. He's such a useless old bastard who uses me to buy him drugs. Fucking asshole. I need a new therapist but I think we are codependent. He had the nerve to call me while I was at dinner and curse me out because I went to dinner with my friend after work instead of going and buying him drugs. WTF. I don't even know how it got like this. I said a lot of mean shit to him. I think he thrives on being hated by women...

Anyway i am going to sleep for about 5 hours and then go get on the line for government cheese. That is all.

Someone please help me... I want heroin so badly. And cocaine. It's driving me nuts and it's like 3 days from now. I may even middle some transactions just to get a little taste... which I hate doing.

I don't know if I want to be here anymore. It feels good to socialize with normal people again though. I am so lonely. I want a boyfriend. I know I have a girlfriend but I am missing the attention of a man. Sigh. I am an idiot.