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I have been in MS working for a few months now since late April. I have been going to NA alot since I have been out here, eventhough I am on Methadone. If you know the stance NA has on Methadone, you understand that it has been a little dificult to go every day and see people talking about clean time and what not. I haven't used an illegal substance, heroin or even pot since I came out here. Unffortunately I used a few days before I left. I do not count the time have been out here clean time because of methadone. I am in the only city in the whole state that actually has a clinic, by the way. SO lucked out there. I am on High Risk probation back home and every month I have get permission to be out here. I sometimes have to fly home and report but I do what I got to do to get better and work. I could not find work back home, for some reason there is this stigmata that 3 time felons and junkies do make good workers, where they got this from is beyond me. But I found a job out here that didnt do a background check and they actually got to find out I am a very hard worker, when I do spend all my time making sure I got my hit s I am not sick. I am working on getting off my methadone. I am down to 14 and should be done in 28 days or so. I am not going fast by all means but I am not going slow either. I very tired of having to pay them a lot of money and I am a slave to a substance still. I think this time in trying to get clean is working better because I am finally doing for me. Not my wife of 10+ years. That is such a dificult situation because I would like to give us a chance but she is not too mcuh in that frame of mind. I just do not understand how you can throw what we had away but maybe she has changed into a very different person. She was my life, I will never love anyone else like the way I love her. But if I must continue my journey through life without her, I will. I am tired of throwing a pity party for myself and I need to get on. I am going to be clean on the 25th of September. I look forward to it even though it will be tough.

My parents celebrated fifty-five years of marriage today.

By doing absolutely nothing.

They live over five hundred miles from any relatives. They are both in poor health. I spoke to my mother this evening and she sounded terrified. Drunk. But terrified.

My mom was a mysterious and vibrant woman. My father a mysterious and vibrant man. They lived out their flaws silently in front of me.

Now they are alone. I wish I could take care of them but I take care of my youngest grandson and given the choice, I chose my grandson. I might be making a mistake but I have made so many mistakes in my life that I'm not afraid of making the rest of them. Fuck it. The decision has been made and I'm committed.

The sting of having to make hard decisions is ameliorated to a degree because I have seen my parents bank statements. They can afford to change the situation. They have options because of my father's financial prowess, and also because the post WWII generation lived in a different economy that I do. (I am alarmed to admit that my children have become adults in an economy weaker than the one in which I raised my kids.)

I hate to hear my mother weep in sorrow and fear. Death stalks them now. They face it alone together while they each witness the other visibly slip closer to the darkness.

They are not doing anything to help their situation. I can't judge them because I don't know what it's like to have my fifty fifth wedding anniversary come and go as if it did not matter. I know my mother wanted something to happen and nothing happened.

I am troubled by this.

On the other hand, it is their anniversary, not mine. I have no job and no income whatsoever. My greeting card options were even severely limited. My parents know my situation. It seems to me they could have had a nice dinner catered in, ordered a cake and had it delivered, and celebrated together.

But no. Instead, they did nothing and I regret not being able to do more and I wonder why I didn't make more of an effort.

just getting by, one day at a time. Right now I'm drinking some belvedere, feeling optimistic despite getting arrested on felony drug charges.. By the grace of God I got a job, found a home, got back in college... only to get arrested the same day I signed up for my classes. It's like I take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. FUCK

Okay for awhile. My tub is almost up and i rememeber what it felt like last time...What scared me so much about it was it was triggering audibal voices. And muscle pain....And insomnia. I know I have been on it for two amd a half month's and that's a long time but I have to quit this now in order to get my addiction under control....Does anybody here have good result's with there depression lifting. I really never noticed that I was more out going then I normally would be but, today I got hit with a massive wave of depression and I was like UGH! I feel like crap. I don't know maybe it's just placebo or something.

Back in my bed, I woke up screaming, from discomfort/terror. The dream felt real- as real as reality awake was, or "more", as it was so emotionally/sensually charged, and she, the girl I was looking for, felt north... or "up". I felt that the only way to connect with her was through that, the place I was just at. But it felt so far away. Impossibly far for me to reach, at that time. And I wanted to go back.

The pain/discomfort/fear was a great deal, possibly, in part due to a retainer I was wearing, to keep my jaw aligned, and teeth apart/not clenched and bruxing... I was biting pretty hard on it and I think it was kind of on it's way down the direction of my throat, but that would be impossible due to it's size and shape. But that didn't stop the sensation.

The direction felt matched the direction (~50 miles north) of the girl who I met about four-five years later, who would match the experience, in some kind of parallel.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Gustave_Dor%C3%A9_Andromeda.jpg

I associate Cassiopeia with the number 23. 23, I have in my life, with synchronicity. Connections. Perhaps if I had focus with another number, I'd have focus with that number. Themes, I would and do notice, from time to time. Sometimes I lock onto other numbers, and stories, themes, whathaveyou. They get in my head, and then I seem to see it in other things- reflected in my life, as it goes on. Associations. I have had it happen enough to realize, and to completely challenge, that it is not just, well, something to be downplayed or written off as such-and-such, as so many people have tried to do (and perhaps I have, too). I think there is always more to things. And, perhaps less.

But I don't want to go too deep, or I'll, and kind of already have lost myself, in trying to explain, myself- my mind- my experiences.

But why I associate this number with Cassiopeia? It's shaped like a W. W is the 23rd letter of the alphabet, the one (this one) used most commonly in our world. I don't really see it-and that changing any time soon, but I don't have any idea, ultimately. It could also be said to be shaped like our 13th letter- M. This, for one.

As I am writing this, just now (I had written something and deleted it, and forget what it was... In argument for 23 I know),
A Chantal "aeternus" Merlin added me to her circle on Google+, for some reason.
Her last post is May 23rd. There are a few.

Apparently Gamma Cassiopeia is blue (but might change colors, if I remember right). A blue sub-giant. This is the star that my emotions/thought found a peak in. Like an Ahhhhhh. Wish I could telepathically share it, how I experienced it, and this reflection. Everything good, I wish I could. Right? Yes. But bad, keep hidden. Wish.

I'm always looking for ways to fit in.

This star, it has a companion star, and it is apparently more white-blue. I think I read that. It might be a neutron star. Gamma Cassiopeia is apparently hard to get a good reading on. It's also known to be abnormally magnetic. I am just regurgitating what I remember from skimming earlier, but it's quite oval from it's high speed of rotation, very magnetic, changes temperatures drastically, apparently. From what I remember.

The dream I had years ago... I had a dream years ago that felt real. I found myself in a room, golden/orange/yellow/white with a green cube in the center on a pedestal of sorts. I felt like a child. And I felt like I was in a suggestive state, almost, perhaps hypnotized. Drug-like. Half asleep. And psychedelic-like at times.

There was a young girl, there with me. But she was my age. Red hair. I had been searching for a red-head previously, in a dream, which flowed into this one.

God I don't want to detail it so much again... I need to sleep.

There was a door-shaped cut in the wall- the vessel. No window, no barrier. I felt I could just fall out, if I stepped too far. It was kind of scary, but cool. Outside, there was space, and from what I saw, two... stars.

In the past I have wondered what these stars were. I have thought they might be Sirius A and B and didn't know where C or .. I don't know. I thought that they might be the Earth and the moon. But I distinctly remember they both looked on fire. Still, at that distance, they would have blinded me. Maybe there was some filter. Maybe it was just a dream. But it would be neat if it wasn't. But maybe life is just a dream. Right?

There were two other figures in there, other than the red-haired girl-- A man and a woman. The man was made up of what looked like water-colored paint, or something, paint that was coming into existence, from white and "black", and what was in between, and disappearing just as fast, but I could make out a blurry human form. Maybe.. Maybe I just couldn't see him. He seemed to be at a control station of sorts. But it was very, very simple. The room was entirely uncluttered except for his slightly raised position, and something where he was, I think, and this central green cube, on the pedestal.

The woman, she seemed to never do anything. She stood in a corner, facing the cube (she'd be facing a corner of it, looking head on, as she stared from the corner). She was all black. Perhaps her face was white. Maybe her hair was brown. Her head was down, in a humble position, prayer, or something.

The girl, after we frolicked or were children, and something happened (I don't know, got older? simultaneously young and that age I was/around), she would be found on one side of this room. The "back", opposite the doorway to the outside-space.

(Going into detail, while omitting some because I'm trying to...)

I felt suggestible/suggested. I followed a path around the room, walking toward the girl, who was facing the left as I walked toward her from the window/door-- her right, right side of her body against the red-gold wall. I turned left, walked by the woman... And there seemed to be the kind of ropes that theaters sometimes have. Or plays. Or rides. Or what. I don't know. What are they called? Then I turn left. Left, left, and another left, and then a right, to face this green cube, where the "psychedelic" effects would occur.

The cube was a somewhat dark-dull green color, and not very interesting on first glance, or.. The color being as it was, not all bright and happy like trippers/stoners like, as I was. At some point, I did hear the man say his only words: "This may hurt a little bit", or something like that.

The cube, I don't remember the order here... The cube was fluxing in it's color. It would seem to glow, and it was a bright emerald green color, radiating this green color around it. It seemed to flux to this brighter color, where I felt happy, and high, very nicely high. There was an imperfection that I seemed to focus on, in this cube. The cube itself was crystalline, gemstone, quartzish (or what I don't know I've thought it might be many things. Jasper. Maybe not). But I found myself focusing on this imperfection. The one imperfection, seemingly... in the entire room. Everything else so clean. Smooth as silk. Crystal. And here, that's where things seemed to happen. The tiny crack/notching out of the mineralization, from that a liquid/lightning visual would appear... Kind of like ... Flight of the Navigator, when they time travel, and the image in it's "eye" at that time, kind of like that, but green.

...But he said this may hurt at little.

And it did.

I fell, back to earth, through the floor of the ship, in what felt like some kind of strong gravity... putting it lightly. I felt strung, pulled, spaghettied. Broken. I specifically remember a breaking jaw feeling, or like my jaw was separating... My bones separating. The jaw was the worst. I can go into actual life things that influenced all this, or were tied, but it doesn't ultimately detract.

But before I fell, I witnessed the room as a computer, and all of the elements, as parts of that "computer". It was so simple, elegant, and functional. I understood it. Somehow. It was like, the "right under our noses" simplicity, but perfect function. Older than anything on earth. Perhaps older than earth-itself. I don't really have any idea, that's just the feeling I got. Like we derived from it, or from the same technology... if it can even be called that.

Right.

And I saw a green layer, as if I was viewing from inside the cube, or something, but looking top down like it was motherboard (the people, elements, chips, function-ers in the system). The green layering, the only association I have found, and it might not apply here... Motherboards often have this green coating. It's called a solder mask. The color was exactly as that.

It might all be symbolic, but perhaps all literal. I don't really know.

Then I was returned, fell through the floor, and the last person I see, was the darker woman... The last I remember, before I am falling through space, or so it seemed, seeing stars, which I saw weren't stars, but symbols, characters, letters, glyphs... What-ever they might be called. Then one seemed to come into focus in the center, and I seemed to know it meant and explained, somehow, love. Just like how I understood the simplicity, the how it works, of the "computer", I understood this love, as fundamental, normal, essential, true, non-fearing as we sometimes do, and I knew how to love- then. Or something like that. And I wanted to share it with the girl from the dream... The girl I was searching for, before I found myself in that "ship" (passing more or less seamlessly, from another red-room, with red "fog" like heat).

The dream before, I was in love. Fell in love with a girl. But she was standing at a drop-off, and I felt so weak, not like "a man" should. I felt like putting my weight to her, as would happen if I fell- there, would put us over the drop off, and cause injury to her/me. It was just a step down, but the heels of her feet were at the edge. I left her, there, said I needed to say something to my friends, or use the bathroom, but that I'd be back. I just needed to catch myself, before I fell, I think... Or before I fell over her, perhaps hurting her in the process. But when I got back, she wasn't anywhere to be found. I saw another red-haired girl, went up to her, but it wasn't her, and here is where I found myself in the ship. I don't think the one in the ship was the one I was going for.

I know, this is back and forth, and has probably gotten hard to read.

But the one in the ship... Perhaps was still someone I'm interested in. Because she was there. She just didn't look the same. Wasn't the same one. I don't really know. At all.

But the experience... Mirrors later experience in my waking life. Maybe that's just the power of the human mind, in it's gift of connection-making, but who has laid a claim to the territory of that? Who has defined it?

Last night, I was struggling, various ways, with a friend, with myself, with the environment, with reality.

I was in my mind (unconsciously) trying to downplay the wonder of space, and things. We were out at his place, standing by his van, looking up at the stars.

I had a moment where I was just seeing them as white dots. I've lived in the city so long, and here we were in the country, my home-land, where the stars are much brighter/more visible. I was in pain, and it's sometimes hard to let go of it. I build reasons... But nevermind that.

I was scanning the sky, as we were, and I was having a feeling of insignificance to everything, and sameness, uniformity... making it nothing... But then I checked that, and remembered that no, we aren't looking at "stars"- not just stars... But entire galaxies, many of them... And here was the milk way- the band of it, and the "fog" that is also, perhaps, stars, and dust (I am not sure, really... But I'd like to know, again).... But I saw how each star or cluster was so varied from the next, and each planet so much different, even if similar enough, from the next. So many possible variations for life, and conditions, formations, pressures, uhh.

I was scanning, and as my imagination built to grasp the possibility of awareness out there, My eyes rested on one star, and that was an "ahhh"... A peak of feeling- like the feeling I had. Like a magnet, my emotions were.

I had no idea, consciously, which star it was, or even if it belonged to a major constellation, though I don't doubt that my unconscious mind had an idea.

Still, my eyes found themselves to, as we found it was, rest on Cassiopeia, the very center of the constellation, of the five "stars" that we see with our naked eye.

From our closest star (system), Proxima Centauri, our system rests in the direction, and in the constellation of Cassiopeia.... And what I felt was genuinely like a magnet in my head/body/heart... The emotional process. I don't know how to say it exactly like I felt. I felt awareness. The feeling spiked at that star, in the center, and the feelings began while looking at that constellation.

This was just an instance, and a way I justify. I moments later looked up at the star furthest to the right, in the constellation, and felt a different kind of "awareness", there. I am sure some of it was projection, and purely "coincidence" (which means nothing but falling together).

I am off tomorrow and Tuesday. But I have a lot of shit to take care of. And a Suboxone doctor appointment on Tuesday. So I can piss and hopefully get my prescription and jump up and down. I hate my therapist. He's such a useless old bastard who uses me to buy him drugs. Fucking asshole. I need a new therapist but I think we are codependent. He had the nerve to call me while I was at dinner and curse me out because I went to dinner with my friend after work instead of going and buying him drugs. WTF. I don't even know how it got like this. I said a lot of mean shit to him. I think he thrives on being hated by women...

Anyway i am going to sleep for about 5 hours and then go get on the line for government cheese. That is all.

Someone please help me... I want heroin so badly. And cocaine. It's driving me nuts and it's like 3 days from now. I may even middle some transactions just to get a little taste... which I hate doing.

I don't know if I want to be here anymore. It feels good to socialize with normal people again though. I am so lonely. I want a boyfriend. I know I have a girlfriend but I am missing the attention of a man. Sigh. I am an idiot.

I'm here lying in my bed, controlling this feeling of loathe and hatred towards people I've known, including myself. I wish it was that easy to let loose and let go and just yell out loud or throw things away or have a huge fight but it's not. It has never been easy for me. Since I was in high school it was never easy to fight back or stand up to my bully and just defend myself. I really dont know why but I just needed one switch in my brain and voila she's out... It's been a while since I have shoved her back in the back of my head but I feel that I needed her again. I wish that when I wake up tomorrow she will be out, defending me from that awful person and making her regret that she ever crossed me but is revenge really a good thing? Poetic justice does not happen very often but her, this other woman, this rage inside me will bring me justice. Do I call her out? I'm still scared, I'm still scared to bring her because I know that if I did I will completely lose myself and mighr never come back. But I would just like to let you know that I hunger for you, for your presence and your cruelty and your power that I've never had.

I leave on Tuesday and these past two weeks have been ridiculous with anxiety. I've always battled anxiety and it used to be so much worse when I was younger that I forget sometimes how much a part of me it still is. Every possible horror that could befall me, I imagine in great detail over and over. My mind obsesses. I have gotten better at standing off to the side of that part of myself and saying, "All right, then, go for it! Get it out of your system." Still, it is exhausting.

I have gotten my pack down to just a little over 30 lbs which at my age, with my back, is about as heavy as I can manage. I have never set out for quite this long with a pack that I have to carry around. I went to Costa Rica 25 years ago for three months but I rented a shack (for $6.00 a month!) so I didn't need to pack and unpack all the time. That was also tropical so I practically lived in a bathing suit whereas in Ecuador I will be in the heat in the jungle and cold in the Andes so I have to cover all bases.

I am getting excited about my lack of a plan. I feel like it will be so refreshing and rejuvenating to have to live without routine, without familiarity and yet to be called upon to find a way to survive. I can't really imagine what I will find which for an anxious mind is not comfortable but then, that's what I wanted I keep telling myself.

Cos I've been making more

So it's the 4th of July, a day where families and friends take a trip to the beach, fire up the ole' barbecue, and dance around with sparklers.. On this special day, there are a lot of couples out and about, celebrating with each other because there's no person in the world they'd rather be with more. Love. It's a beautiful thing.
My friends are over with their girlfriends, my sister came down with her fiance..it's a love filled atmosphere around me right now, so love filled that I can taste the roses in my mouth. Except where is my girlfriend? Where is the woman that I've devoted my time and energey to? The one who can understand me and all my fucked-up-ness..? She's committed to the county jail, arrested two nights ago with an ounce of heroin—and there's nothing I can do. She called me after her arraignment the other day, babbling in tears and trying to breath. Dope sick and in more pain than most people could imagine, she begged me to get her out. I promised I would..But I can't. It's a 20 grand bail, and the bondsman all want collateral.. they want a house, cars, something worth 20 grand, and I don't have it! Sure, I can pay the 2 grand fee...but I own nothing..nothing in my name, and her and my parents would laugh maddeningly if I asked them to risk their assets on a JUNKIE. So, there my girlfriend sits. On the floor of a county jail, writhing in pain and facing a sentence that will break her completely—and me.
It's over. The curtain's closing and I'm stuck on the wrong side.

Happy 4th of July.

I Guess you could say that i got a promotion @ work today!, i say that because the truck i drive now has AC and a functioning radio/tape player. >
the promotion involves a lot more computer work, which i'm good @, driving a standard(stick) which I'm still working on inclines&parallel parking(in a F-3500 extended/dual cab Duley/flat bed truck). Also got an official Google Fiber name tag,badge made for me to clip on and wear on my vest, sadly I lost my tag in under 5 hours,. some of the poles require a lot of climbing over stuff, and lost it.cool thing is that if it weren't for me with the help of some of my friends and family 'tough loving' me i would have never got this opportunity,and would have kept trying to find my place making minimum wage and not going anywhere in life, i would have never said yes to my lineman friend and drove my Toyota Camry thru super storms all night 700 miles way deep in the bayou in LA. I think my friends that gave me the inspiration to make a change, n my family for loving me every way of the day. also i'm going to be an uncle, and i want my sisters son to kno his uncle drew is someone who will show him what our bloodline is all about(funnyfarm yo).

u can do it to, read some of my blog and posts. what i got out of everything is once you reach that time in your life where your in your mid tweenties(for me atleast) and living with

I've tried acid twice but it must have been a low dose. I could see things "vibrate". Yeah that's pretty cool. But, to me, it wasn't much more than 2ce/2ci except a better come up (aka I was not throwing up all over the place). But everyone is always like "wow acid is so amazing" and all that. I was kind of disappointed I couldn't try it.

I went to this party the other weekend. It was a free party so I didn't expect it to be all that incredible but hey I'm poor so free sounds good to me! When I got there ... it was just so WOW! Amazing music, amazing set up, amazing venue, amazing decorations. I was like ... of course this will be the party I plan to be sober at lol.

So my friend had three tabs of acid although wasn't planning to use them today. So he gave one to me, took on for himself, and gave one to another friend. Oh my gosh WOW! I don't think there are words to describe it!

It was probably the most amazing night of my life. Everything seemed amazing ... just "right" ... perfect ... happy! I just can't find the words to describe it.

I had to walk an hour and a half back to my house (yes I'm to cheap to use transit) and the walk didn't even bother me slightly ... even after dancing for like 5 hours straight.

The funny thing was, it was the three of us who took it, both of them have taken this same acid before. The guy who has it took two tabs once! And they both have plenty of experience with other acid (aka not as good acid) and other psychedelics. They were both soooo out of it and I was just having the time of my life, nothing bothered me, nothing could go wrong. And I have had quite a few bad trips on other psychedelics so I don't do them often.

All in all ... soooooo glad I took it. I can't believe how incredibly amazing acid is!

I thought I'd never find a drug that I like as much as mdma. All the other drugs I've tried have been "okay" and I don't do them much because I just don't enjoy them as much. FINALLY something else that I truly love :D

old

As I have posted on some of my threads and some of my posts, I have been suffering from a long term comedown which started 9 months ago. I'm still suffering but I'm learning to slowly adapt to it somehow. I'm so jealous of a lot of people who are normal and who never took drugs. I never really believed that "regret is always in the end" but this is how I feel everyday. I've never really understood people who have anxiety or people with drug induced symptoms but now that I'm in the same boat I started to sympathize and realize that the suffering is agonizing emotionally, mentally and physically. It creates havoc and misery in your well-being. I wonder what normal feels like since I haven't felt normal for almost a year now. I just hope it's not very far from now

I had an epiphany this morning, possibly the strongest one I've ever had: I finally found my place in the world, and it's with EDM (electronic dance music for those who aren't familiar with it). A few years ago, I thought it was with extreme sports, and I still did up until this morning. But as much as I love extreme sports, I wasn't truly happy with my place in the industry. I loved DOING them, but the job I had only required me to be at events... and at times, it felt like a chore to be there.

But EDM... I love everything about it. Even when I'm just around it, I'm happy. I love listening to it, making it, going to shows, talking about it, promoting it... everything. To give you a clearer picture of how important it actually is to me, it was my reason to get off of heroin, to get through the withdrawals, it's my reason to STAY off of it. In fact, I see being a junkie as part of some sort of distant past. It was only a little over a month ago that I quit, but it doesn't have a place in my life anymore. It doesn't fit in with where I see my life going, in fact it will ruin it, and for that I hate the drug more than anything.

I don't see the last few years I spent on it as a waste though. Don't regret anything. When I was 14, I decided I wanted to work for Drive-Thru Records and eventually have a record label of my own... I even wrote out a (shitty) business plan lol. When I was 18, I began managing my boyfriend at the time and his band. Of course that ended when we broke up hah. When I was 20, I officially changed my major to music business and started to actually enjoy going to classes. Then at 22, I lost everything to opiates, so that I could learn to appreciate life and never waste time again, because every moment is an opportunity.

It's like my whole life has been to prepare me for what I'm about to do. I've been wandering around aimlessly for most of it, never really sure of where I belonged. But when I figured this out, something amazinf happened: I finally forgave myself, found my purpose, became driven and passionate again, understood my self-worth, and every fear/worry/anxiety instantly disappeared. It's like I knew it all along and I just had to stop and realize, "oh yeah... THIS is what I've been chasing after all this time." It's hard for me to doubt the concept of divine intervention when I look at how... just so PERFECT and right this is. How my whole life has been preparing me for this.

Suddenly there's not enough time in the world. So thank you, EDM, for helping me save my own life.

meow 8( meow 8( meow 8( meow 8( meow

! ! !

2013

So I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I had been in denial for months thinking that the doctors are ignoring my symptom to the point that I never wanted to go to another doctor in the futute. At first, I wasnt sure if I was going to be happy or sad. Happy, because at last, there is an answer to the question I always had about what the hell is really going on with me. Sad because there isn't a wonder drug that can cure me instantly. It is tough but I have to adapt to it more and hope to be better in the coming months.

So I recently did something really stupid while trying to get that precious shot of junk into my body. My veins were shot from overuse and I was having problems trying to find a vein to go in for days. I'm sure this is a nightmare that plagues many IV drug users. I've literally spent hours at a time trying to find a veins, blood everywhere, arms and feet swollen and aching, perhaps even bruising on your neck. This time was just like that. Until I found a pulsing vein in my left pointer finger. I wish I could say this was the first time that I had attempted to go there, but it wasn't. So I knew the risk ahead of me. But I had made it there before, but percentage of success has been low, so I knew the risks. But I was desperate to make the shot and at this point would try anything. So I made the plunge and stuck the needle in a tiny, tiny little vein. The vein itself was probably smaller than the 29 gauge needle I was using. But finally... I registered blood. But as soon as I gently pushed down on the plunger the whole area swelled up. I tried to register again, and nothing. With an exasperated sigh I pulled out and kept digging to get the remainder of the junk anywhere I could find, after having wasted the portion I inserted into my delicate finger. I know how stupid this all sounds. And how pathetic and desperate. At the time I felt pathetic and desperate, especially since this struggle with my veins had been going on for days. I eventually found a working vein and was able to use it for a couple of days (another unsafe practice) but my body was able to heal where I had been relentless poking and prodding at it. When the swelling in my hand went down, I was able to see an abscess on my finger. UGH. And abscess on my finger?? That fucking sucks.

Since I'm a black tar heroin user, and an ex meth shooter, abscess are nothing new to me, and we take care of them ourselves at home, only going to the doctor when we don't have antibiotics left. But still, any type of infection or injury shouldn't be taken lightly when it comes to self administered IV injections.

The lack of usable veins is nothing new to any experienced IV drug user. IMing is a good way too inject your drug without the hassle of having to find a vein. But of course this comes with risks too. Dirty needles pushed into your muscles can lead to extremely deep abscesses. And of course, for anyone who is use to the immediate rush of your drug hitting your brain almost instantaneously with 100% bioavailability, it's hard to give up. But when I have completely exhausted my veins, I try to take a break and settle for IMing for a few days to give my veins some time to heal. It's easier said than done since the desire for that instant shot to your brain is so strong. But if you do have the willpower to go 4 or 5 days settling for 85% bioavailabilty, it's amazing how fast your body can heal itself. Suddenly you have veins again! It's especially useful after shooting coke, when you are doing a shot every 15-20 minutes! But even with heroin, think of all the injections you are doing in a 5 day period if you have any type of sizable daily habit. On an average day I do about 2 shots in the morning, at least 1 mid-day shot, and at least 2 in the evening. About 5 shots a day. Even when I have lighter days, I try to keep the same amount of shots, but use a smaller dose. On heavy days, it can be considerable more. But on average that's 25 shots in a 5 day period. Think of all the havoc that can wreak if you are using the same veins over and over again. When meth was in the picture the daily number was considerably higher, with the added danger of meth itself. It literally eats away at your veins and skin.

Since no IV drug user, myself included, wants to resort to IM shots, even for short periods of time, it's best to proactively keep your veins healthy and fresh. There are a number of precautions you can take to keep your veins to top shooting shape. So I've put together some tips and tricks to help your veins "pop" as easily as possible. There is tons to write about safe shooting, but for the purposes of this blog, I'll stick with how to easily access a vein and maintain vein health.

Preparing the Vein -

You want to make sure he vein is accessible and easy to shoot in, ie. there is a large amount of blood pumping through it, making it easy to hit. This helps keep injections to a minimum, you only have to puncture the skin once, avoiding all those repetitive attempts, which aren't only dangerous but EXTREMELY frustrating. I used to do a generic fist pump, which works okay, and I still do when I'm in a confined space like a car. But for people with more weathered veins, it doesn't always do the trick. Pushup are another commonly known trick, and it works okay. But I don't always find it the most effective. My SO taught me to swing my arm like a propeller. While this might look a little silly if you are fixing in the presence of company, it does get the blood pumping. I've seen this written about on multiple other safe shooting websites as well. One in particular, targeting meth IV users, says to swing your arm like a "propeller". It has a cartoon that lists various other tricks and tips that are useful.

http://imgur.com/2nBAiWU

So here is my list. Hopefully you will find some of these tricks helpful!

* Avoid cigarettes, as they tend to constrict your veins

* Stay warm - fix after a hot shower if necessary. If you are cold your veins will go in hiding. If you aren't about to take a shower, you can use a hot water pack and rest it on the desired area. Or simply run hot water on your body from the sink.

* Pump blood to the vein, be it fist pumping, propeller arms, pushups, anything to get blood moving to that area. I hop and skip when shooting in my feet/legs.

* Drinking coffee can help. Stimulants will get the heart pumping and widen the blood vessels, helping your veins pop out. (When I was experiences vein difficulty, I used to shoot meth first, although that's not recommend, lol). Coke, however, has he opposite effect since it is a vascular constrictor.

* Stay hydrated. Drinking water can actually help veins keep pumping.

* Slapping the vein. There is controversy over this technique. I've read online that it is a myth and doesn't work. But I typically believe what I see, and countless times I have slapped the desired vein to help it pop out more, and low and behold, it works for me.

* Use a new needle. Yes, this is a obvious safe shooting practice in terms of hygiene. But I'm including it for vein health as well. A used needle will rip apart your veins, damaging them and making them inaccessible. I've included a picture of a needle before it's first use, then after many uses. Just imagine that thing trying to pierce your veins. Using a fresh syringe will definitely help your veins say healthy and usable longer!

http://imgur.com/Fq7nAH5

* Last but not least, use a tourniquet. But beware that improper use can be extremely dangerous. You must be careful not to wrap it to tight or leave it on to long. You run the risk of blowing a vein. Proper use dictates that the tourniquet must be removed after you register and before you push the plunger down to prevent blowing a vein. However in full disclosure, this is something that I tend to overlook. But I have suffered consequences, damaging a vein in my ankle due to improper tourniquet use.

Using these tips, along with hygienic, clean, safe shooting practice will make the whole experience way more enjoyable. The other thing to keep in mind when picking a vein to shoot in is the location on the body. There is a hierarchy of safe shooting spots. I won' go into detail, but the order goes as follows

1. Arms

2. Hands

3. Feet

4. Legs

5. Breasts

6. Armpit

7. Neck

8. Penis

9. Femoral Vein

Anything from #4 (Legs) down should be avoided. The legs are controversial, they aren't really dangerous, unless you shoot into the wrong type of vein, and it isn't always easy to decipher. So to error on the side of caution, I generally avoid my legs, until I'm desperate.

The last thing I'm going to touch on is damage due to repetitive use. Common sense should have told me not to shoot in my finger, and the same is true with overuse. Each time the needle penetrates the skin, then the vein, you are doing damage. It might be imperceptible at first, but time after time it adds up. It's something I struggle with every time I strap on a tourniquet. When you've killed all of your veins and pickings are slim it's natural to hit one vein over and over again if you can actually register. But it can cause long term or permanent damage. Easier said than done, I know. But it is a good rule of thumb.

All I've covered here are tips for accessing and maintaining healthy veins. There is tons of more info out there on safe shooting tips. Here is a good resource to start with if you are interested in reading more about IV drug administration. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Here is a good link to start with if you want to read more. http://wiki.bluelight.ru/index.php/Drug_Injection Bluelight is filled with good information and resources about all sorts of drug related issues. I frequent it regularly, and the people there are generally open minded. You can get answers to questions the rest of the Internet would just blast you for. Of course it still is the Internet, so don't expect it to be completely slander free!

Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll!