As I sit here sober I think back to the thoughts/emotions I went through while using; it surprises me that I have not gotten sober sooner just to be HAPPY once again.
the final 6-12 months of my last run which ran about 3 to 3.5 years, I was so depressed that with each shot/sniff/pill I wished the worst for myself. there were times I would just sit in my parked car for hours by myself and just think the worst thoughts. thats even after the drug was taken/picked up. I'd just sit and think of how I just gave my "friend" $200 for something I am going to put into my arm/nose. how I had a girlfriend (at the time) that was sitting at home KNOWING I was picking up dope but HAD TO PRETEND TO TRUST ME cuz I would only tell her I was running to the store or had to swing by my friends. she knew her BF was a true junkie but she couldnt do anything about it because all I did was lie and yell anytime she'd try to prove me wrong. I sit here and just get sick thinking of what once was done and how I felt.
I'd sit there at work and think of how I can score. I'd look at my bank account and just be sick at the money spent. I'd see what credit card I can advance cash on and then NOT PAY IT back. that's typically how my work day went. around lunch I'd score and then come back and blast away in the bathroom at work. shooting/sniffing in that place was NORMAL TO ME. and this wasnt a ONE PERSON bathroom; this was a bathroom for the entire office (men, of course). and I'd use a stall to shoot/sniff whatever the choice was that day. then I'd head back to the desk and put in some work because now I had THE DRIVE because the dope was in me. as the day began to end I would think of how I need to score again and would lie and not go home to the GF and just come up w/ money someway/somehow. it would be lie after lie until I could pick up. then just come home jammed/high and pretend all was good. as if nothing bad has happened and I did NOTHING wrong at all. legit, I just think about it and it blows my mind.
so many times I would think of other rockstars or celebs who have OD'd and why they OD'd. thinking they had all the money and fame in the world but lost it all to drugs. it always made me think of "what if I died?". I was doing enough to die and OD'd a number of times. most OD's were on my own couch and wasnt taken to the hospital. a few were the other way around. but I saw NOTHING wrong w/ that. I would just say I was really tired that day or maybe it was something else; and I'd truly believe myself and tell others and then just go on about life as if nothing has happened. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THIS?
Last Thanksgiving I was at the girls house and went into the bathroom before the meal and blasted a dope/xanny SHOT and then snorted/took a few more MG's xanny. while eating the dinner my face actually NODDED OUT INTO THE PLATE. it legit hit my nose and I woke up just as my face was about to smash into the table. and what did I say? nothing. I said I am super tired and that I was sorry. I thought nothing was wrong and that it wasnt noticeable. I left there and fought w/ my GF and thought she was overreacting and that I acted fine. IMAGINE?
the week had finally come where I wanted to TRY and help myself and went to a Dr. the Dr. told me he couldnt prescribed me anything right away until I had certain classes or did certain things; or maybe had to be clean 7 days to get on the nalaxone track rather than sub. anyway, I went home that day to fill a quick script of nalaxone and it was going to be my first TRY. but before that TRY came I decided to have ONE LAST SHOT. I met up w/ a friend and we split 3Gs of the STRONGEST SHIT IVE HAD YET. so we meet up w/ this girl and grab these 3G's. the girl pulls the pins out and blast both of us w/ a half gram and xanny shot; then we take 2MG more xannny by mouth. so, I AM DRIVING and I drop her off and we go back to my boys house; he tells me I am swerving and nodding but I am still driving and we end up getting to his house. once we get there I pull out another pin and he tells me NOT TO SHOOT and that I am too fucked up to do it. of course I dont listen and I blast what we had left. well, hours later I woke up in the ER and had an overdose; they put me in a psych ward because it was taken as a suicide attempt. first day in the bull pen I had anxiety through the roof and they gave me benzo, which I thought was weird considering I just OD'd. well, 2nd day I was moved to the actual floor and started my soboxone script. I ended up leaving there 9 days later and got into a program which helped me stay clean but with the help of suboxone.
to this day I am still clean and it's only been 3.5 months but it feels like years and years .I think back and look at my life and what I can BARLEY REMEMBER and think of all the times I basically thought/tried to kill myself but w/o myself even knowing. I put myself in every bad position you could possibly think of but NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING OF IT.
this board has actually helped me; although, when I first started on here and first posts I was still using but asking for advice to quit. I also had my last OD after 15 days of joining the board. but from there on it's been great to keep sober. I also enjoy just reading what others had to say about their lives and see how they come along.
I really do wish the best for every body because I have been down this miserable road before and know what its like.. and I also know that MANY of you MAY have it even worse than I had and god bless.. I wish you nothing but the best.
the final 6-12 months of my last run which ran about 3 to 3.5 years, I was so depressed that with each shot/sniff/pill I wished the worst for myself. there were times I would just sit in my parked car for hours by myself and just think the worst thoughts. thats even after the drug was taken/picked up. I'd just sit and think of how I just gave my "friend" $200 for something I am going to put into my arm/nose. how I had a girlfriend (at the time) that was sitting at home KNOWING I was picking up dope but HAD TO PRETEND TO TRUST ME cuz I would only tell her I was running to the store or had to swing by my friends. she knew her BF was a true junkie but she couldnt do anything about it because all I did was lie and yell anytime she'd try to prove me wrong. I sit here and just get sick thinking of what once was done and how I felt.
I'd sit there at work and think of how I can score. I'd look at my bank account and just be sick at the money spent. I'd see what credit card I can advance cash on and then NOT PAY IT back. that's typically how my work day went. around lunch I'd score and then come back and blast away in the bathroom at work. shooting/sniffing in that place was NORMAL TO ME. and this wasnt a ONE PERSON bathroom; this was a bathroom for the entire office (men, of course). and I'd use a stall to shoot/sniff whatever the choice was that day. then I'd head back to the desk and put in some work because now I had THE DRIVE because the dope was in me. as the day began to end I would think of how I need to score again and would lie and not go home to the GF and just come up w/ money someway/somehow. it would be lie after lie until I could pick up. then just come home jammed/high and pretend all was good. as if nothing bad has happened and I did NOTHING wrong at all. legit, I just think about it and it blows my mind.
so many times I would think of other rockstars or celebs who have OD'd and why they OD'd. thinking they had all the money and fame in the world but lost it all to drugs. it always made me think of "what if I died?". I was doing enough to die and OD'd a number of times. most OD's were on my own couch and wasnt taken to the hospital. a few were the other way around. but I saw NOTHING wrong w/ that. I would just say I was really tired that day or maybe it was something else; and I'd truly believe myself and tell others and then just go on about life as if nothing has happened. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THIS?
Last Thanksgiving I was at the girls house and went into the bathroom before the meal and blasted a dope/xanny SHOT and then snorted/took a few more MG's xanny. while eating the dinner my face actually NODDED OUT INTO THE PLATE. it legit hit my nose and I woke up just as my face was about to smash into the table. and what did I say? nothing. I said I am super tired and that I was sorry. I thought nothing was wrong and that it wasnt noticeable. I left there and fought w/ my GF and thought she was overreacting and that I acted fine. IMAGINE?
the week had finally come where I wanted to TRY and help myself and went to a Dr. the Dr. told me he couldnt prescribed me anything right away until I had certain classes or did certain things; or maybe had to be clean 7 days to get on the nalaxone track rather than sub. anyway, I went home that day to fill a quick script of nalaxone and it was going to be my first TRY. but before that TRY came I decided to have ONE LAST SHOT. I met up w/ a friend and we split 3Gs of the STRONGEST SHIT IVE HAD YET. so we meet up w/ this girl and grab these 3G's. the girl pulls the pins out and blast both of us w/ a half gram and xanny shot; then we take 2MG more xannny by mouth. so, I AM DRIVING and I drop her off and we go back to my boys house; he tells me I am swerving and nodding but I am still driving and we end up getting to his house. once we get there I pull out another pin and he tells me NOT TO SHOOT and that I am too fucked up to do it. of course I dont listen and I blast what we had left. well, hours later I woke up in the ER and had an overdose; they put me in a psych ward because it was taken as a suicide attempt. first day in the bull pen I had anxiety through the roof and they gave me benzo, which I thought was weird considering I just OD'd. well, 2nd day I was moved to the actual floor and started my soboxone script. I ended up leaving there 9 days later and got into a program which helped me stay clean but with the help of suboxone.
to this day I am still clean and it's only been 3.5 months but it feels like years and years .I think back and look at my life and what I can BARLEY REMEMBER and think of all the times I basically thought/tried to kill myself but w/o myself even knowing. I put myself in every bad position you could possibly think of but NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING OF IT.
this board has actually helped me; although, when I first started on here and first posts I was still using but asking for advice to quit. I also had my last OD after 15 days of joining the board. but from there on it's been great to keep sober. I also enjoy just reading what others had to say about their lives and see how they come along.
I really do wish the best for every body because I have been down this miserable road before and know what its like.. and I also know that MANY of you MAY have it even worse than I had and god bless.. I wish you nothing but the best.