I'm watching a documentary on hiv/aids and it has my head swimming in a sea of thoughts. Most of the women on there are telling their stories and all of them except for one lived a life of drug abuse and promiscuity. Their stories are similar to mine in regards to their drug usage and their behavior while using drugs, however there is a HUGE difference. Every single one of them had a horrible child hood and most suffered abuse at the hands of their fathers or other family members. Many of them endured such horrors as being prostituted by their own mother and beaten and raped by an uncle or brother. I have often heard stories such as these in treatment centers or in conversations with other addicts, which most people suggest is the pain and trauma that they went thru in life to cause them to use. It makes me feel like a total fuck up, and like, I had no "reason" to use because I had didn't have a childhood like that. I had two parents in the home and was never abused by them. Sure, my mom made me feel fat and put off her eating issues on to me, but I suffered no type of abuse. I know that I don't need a "reason" to use, and truly believe that addiction is a disease, but it just makes me feel like shit... does anyone know what I mean here???
Also, I always am paranoid that I have hiv/aids... even though I get tested regularly. I remember when I was 13 I had convinced myself that I had it, even though I had never even had sex.
I'm psychotic.
Also, I always am paranoid that I have hiv/aids... even though I get tested regularly. I remember when I was 13 I had convinced myself that I had it, even though I had never even had sex.
I'm psychotic.
