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And they're all forbidden.

NEVER get to close to anyone again. They just p*** off, get on with their own life and f*** you off like you never existed.

Second note to self. Don't be so stupid to *EVER* GET CLOSE to anyone again.

Receive received loud and clear.

Evey

As I'm no longer smoking weed, I figured that I should start logging my dreams again so that I can try to get back into getting lucid regularly. It seems fitting that the night of the first dreams I would record here I happened to smoke Calea zacatechichi with a newer friend who had just heard of it and wanted to try it for the first time. It was just one bowl, and it was maybe an hour and a half or so before going to bed, but I like to think it might have had some effect since it hasn't taken me much in the past and my dreams were definitely odd and vivid, though I was still only able to remember a few snippets as I haven't worked on my recall in quite some time now.

The first thing that I remember is hanging out with an old high school friend, and I was driving us somewhere that I don't recall now. At some point during this drive two other passengers were suddenly in the back seats as well, but who they were escapes me. What I do know is that I was driving us down a road surrounded by cliffs, none of which exist right around where I live, and out of nowhere something went horribly wrong. I'm not even sure how, but somehow we were suddenly in mid-jump as if we had just driven to speed off of a huge ramp, and with no landing area in sight, we now seemed to be taking a headfirst dive into the valley of something I can only compare to the Grand Canyon. What I can say was interesting about this scene was that it had the highly detailed action movie kind of emotion which is *very* reminiscent of my past experiences with the dream herb.

We were all freaking out on the car, but somehow we all managed to leap out at the last second and grab on to this ledge half way down the side of a nearby cliff (but certainly impossible to jump to had it been real life), and we started scaling the wall to try to find a way back to safety. But then, as quickly as this all began, I was waking up in bed like nothing had happened. My memory was a little hazy in the moment, but I at least remembered driving somewhere with my high school friend, but didn't something happen after that...? Suddenly, a strange little tune started playing, but this didn't seem overly odd to me. It took me a minute to figure out, but I realized that the music was coming from this plump stuffed dragon I have, which was currently to the left of my bed.

I was a little startled when I heard movement to the right of the bed then, but then it occurred to me that it must be my high school friend from before, and I had to have been dreaming about him because he was spending the night at my house, and was sleeping on the little pulled out sofa seat people would use next to my bed back then, but which I haven't had for years. Since he sounded awake I leaned over and asked him if he remembered that crazy dream we just had, and he seemed to, but before we could start talking about it I heard my parents start arguing outside of my bedroom door, and then my dad started knocking and asking for me. I went to answer him and he was mad at me about something though I'm not sure what it was now, though I want to say it had something to do with my mom because that would fit with the mindset I feel asleep with last night....

The scene changed again, and now I was at work. My coworkers were excited because someone who used to work there but had moved away recently had come back to visit us. I was less enthusiastic about it however, because I was still feeling hurt about the fact that I thought this coworker and I were in friendly terms and I had shared my LSD and DMT with him multiple times, and then he didn't even tell me when he moved away despite telling other people we worked with. I'd like to think that in real life I would have been a little less childish about this, but in the dream I was being very passive aggressive towards him. Upon reflection on this I realized something odd; everyone was referring to him with male pronouns, but in real life I would have been the only one who knew to do this. I'm the only person there he had come out to as transgender, and he had still shown up dressed as female at this time. That's about the last thing I remember though, as after that the dream faded and I woke up.

Not bad recall for a first entry. Hopefully it picks up even more quickly!

while i love getting PM's, this is not me looking for help ID'ing something as i know that's impossible for anyone who's not with me.. but this is a funny story and, however unlikely, this always could be a chronicle of my downfall, if some sick bastards put poison in these bastards (i'm FAR too curious to even consider tossing the booty)

story:
sunrise jog this morning, notice clothes on sidewalk. look closer and realize it's very nice quality hoodie and basketball shorts (my brands too!). bring them home, notice they've got no store-tags, but appear to be brand new from store. they were ditched on a sidewalk in the burbs, hard to tell if from a car or left there. pockets are empty.
i deposit the two clothing items into my washer, and go back to jog more. i jog past the spot, figuring there may be more booty. there is. this stuff could have been ditched from a car, but looks like a person/people were sitting here.. but that wouldn't make sense cuz there were better spots within 40' of there (maybe kids out partying on sat pm?). anyways there's more booty- about 10 ghetto-capsules in a small pile on the dirt (as if they were dropped), and what appears to be a nice meth torch (it wasn't). i grab some of the cleaner looking capsules and the torch(laser!), go home to investigate further.
laser: about the size/body shaping of a fat rig, but heavy as hell. takes a single AA battery, is rated at 1.5omega, brand is 'icon'. cannot find it online. is heavy duty and does not power-up (yet)
capsules 5 capsules in front of me, they look like home-made caps (the powder fills 1/4 of some capsules, 90%+ of others). powder is fine white with larger, darker chunks - very mdma/molly looking, if my 5y/o memories serve.

aaaanyways this post is probably here for posterity more than anything, lest someone find me dead at my laptop w/o a clue how i died LOL! i should just throw these away, hell if i want mdma i can probably find some easy enough, but just cannot bring myself to consider tossing these capsules before i know!!

/csb

Well I'm happy as starting next week I no longer have to cut beams with a chainsaw all day while breaking my back doing a 3 person job by myself feeling my body get worse and worse over time. I was also by myself all day which gets very lonly just you and your thoughts 11 hours a day. This job contributed to me staying on heroin as long as I did as it put me in so much physical pain all day everyday along with all my emotional pain. I knew I had to stop before I ended up the way I was before.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.

I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.

Well I'm happy as starting next week I no longer have to cut beams with a chainsaw all day while breaking my back doing a 3 person job by myself feeling my body get worse and worse over time. I was also by myself all day which gets very lonly just you and your thoughts 11 hours a day. This job contributed to me staying on heroin as long as I did as it put me in so much physical pain all day everyday along with all my emotional pain. I knew I had to stop before I ended up the way I was before.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.

I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.

Its Study leave so I havent been doing too much lately. Took a bus all the way down to Grantown and had an amazing night there just smoking and being a general juvenile delinquent which isnt really me but it was so far away from where I live and I am easily influenced and up for anything . The weed we got for that day got me fucking mega high the first joint. Like higher than I have been in months off one L-plate between 4 people. Was such a clean, intense high which I was assuming represented the rest of the weed but I was wrong. No clue why that one joint got me so minced but I wasnt the only one who felt higher than normal. Very odd.

Other than that I had everyone over about a week ago, 13 people in 1 house is pretty high maintenance but I had a great night and nothing got broken. Nial brought legals and fucking hell thats just something new all together. Everyone said go easy so after a few small 4 draws or so I decided to go for 9 good long tokes. It put me in a really brutal headspace. 2 people present had been to hospital on this stuff (one person 5 times...) so I wondered if my heart was about to cut out or something but I was mentally good with it. Not sure I would of wanted to smoke any more as it was really challenging to stay cool but I'm glad I did it. A friend who has never been drunk or high was present that night. He had a good time and didn't cough or anything when he inhaled, took a while to learn to do it though.

T+0:00 - 25 mg oral 2C-I
T+1:00 - 25 mg oral 4-HO-MiPT
repeated inhaled Nitrous Oxide
repeated smoked Cannabis
T+3:30 - 20 mg oral Chlordiazepoxide


It was the day after Alexander Shulgin had died, and I had seen some other people planning to trip on some compounds that he had made in memory of him, and I opted to do the same. I couldn't think of a better way to commemorate a life well-lived. I had been planning to wait a little longer before tripping again, since it had only been five days since my previous experience, but I had the day off, so I figured it couldn't hurt. I kind of wanted to try something new for the experience, so first I dug out my old stash of 2C-I from years ago, which I had maybe somewhere around 50-70 mg left of, give or take. I weighed out 25 mg for myself in preparation for a little bit later, and decided that, since this was my first time taking a phenethylamine since I had started tripping again, I would wait maybe about forty-five minutes to an hour to see how it was hitting me, and then if it felt right I would stack 25 mg of 4-HO-MiPT on top of the experience.


This combination of psychedelics was picked with careful consideration. 2C-I alone for me has proven to be a drug with a very powerful body high, and during my stronger trips with it, this translates into something incredibly sexual. For the highest dose of it I had ever taken, I had actually gotten complete entity contact, for my first time on any psychedelic. This contact lacked any sort of psychological depth however; it was basically like a spirit orgy, with female entities merging into and out of my body while moaning and causing one orgasmic burst of vibrational energy after another. Because of that experience I have always been interested in mixing 2C-I with other hallucinogens which may give it a little bit more of the mystical or insightful edge that I tend to get with other psychedelics, but my trials up until this point have been sort of a dud. It seemed to fight both the LSD and 4-AcO-DMT experiences in a way that made it feel like I was hallucinating and sped out, but not really tripping, not even on the level that 2C-I alone provides. My one notable success with it came from combining it with ketamine, my only experience thus far with that chemical. This created beautiful dream-like imagery and entity contact with vibrant, full-spectrum rainbow colors saturating every scene, and I floated through an energy grid while watching various delirious movie-like scenarios play out. Because of this I knew that 2C-I had more potential, I just had to find the right companion for it.


I've only used 4-HO-MiPT once before in the past, but I was definitely intrigued by it. I had actually been interested in it for years, pretty much ever since I first started researching drugs. What really made me more curious about it than anything though was the multiple reports of it that I'd heard describing it as along the lines of mushrooms, but more lucid, energetic, and sexual. One thing I had noticed about mushrooms, particularly from my highest dose of them, was that while some psychedelics like DMT and 2C-I could be more orgasmic in a purely overwhelming way, and some like LSD could be more erotic in a crazy, lustful way, mushrooms tended to have an emotional quality that other psychedelics for me just lacked. They were still very fetishy, but there's something to them that I can only describe as along the lines of feeling like true love, the kind where you're completely at peace and can totally trust and give yourself up to them. The entities I see on them tend to consist mainly of girls dressed in colorful latex and high heels and other such things, with lots of really cosmic-looking royal jewelry, and they tend to be surrounded by lots of abstract, stereotypically psychedelic borders and sensual and romantic imagery. My one experience with 4-HO-MiPT before this hadn't exactly been the perfect setting to try to bring that side of it out, but I still felt that it was there. I also ended up having effects very much of this same sort from a combination of LSD and 4-HO-DiPT, and I was starting to become suspicious that this might be a general visual architecture of 4-hydroxytryptamines for me. Given this, and everything I had heard about its clarity of thought and relatively dissociating trip, I thought that it might actually be something which had the potential to synergize well with 2C-I.


So, at 7:30 PM, T+0:00, I took the 25 mg of the 2C-I. Within about half an hour later I was becoming quite stimulated and talking more and more, until about T+0:45 when I had the house to myself. The energy was strong but the body high was mild, and as far as visuals go I was getting some maybe *very* slight movement of surfaces at this point. I was also a getting a little bit of nausea, which I had never gotten with 2C-I before other than the time I snorted it just at the beginning, which was a little off-putting, but I seem to get nausea from psychedelics these days a little bit more easily than I did years ago, so I figured it was no big deal. At T+1:00 I figured that, even though I know it takes a little longer than this for 2C-I to fully kick in, I would be able to tell if it was going to be a really heavy trip or not, and I decided that I could definitely take a bit more. I took the 25 mg of 4-HO-MiPT that I had weighed out in anticipation, and then I used the bathroom and then hopped in the shower to help with a headache that I'd had for most of the day as I waited for both drugs to start really working their magic at the same time. The water felt really great on my skin when I was in there, and very quickly I started to notice the walls and glass around me warping and sliding around and breaking into multiple colored layers. I tried to see if I could discern which part of these visuals were coming from the phenethylamine and which from the tryptamine, but it was hard to do as they actually seemed to be mixing pretty well. My mind was doing something a little stranger though. When texting X not much later, I would describe it as "It's almost like I know I'm tripping but I don't know why." In some ways it almost felt like my thoughts were skipping over themselves, but the thoughts didn't seem unordinary, and they also seemed to be very sped up, but almost in a way that I didn't even really notice it, like I could think several thoughts in a span of a few seconds and not even really realize it because I just felt normal. Very odd stuff.


Anyway, I ended up getting out of the shower I believe some time around T+1:15, and then I decided to do some nitrous. I had heard from a dealer years ago that 2C-I and nitrous was an incredible combination, but I had never gotten to try it back then so I was pretty interested. I was also feeling a little bit more nausea now than I had before, and I was hoping to help it a bit. My visuals had started to reach a point similar to my mindset where they were sort of haphazardly jumping from one thing to the next, and in the same way it sort of felt like I was getting prominent effects but I couldn't really nail down what any of them were. I definitely thought that my negative body load was causing this in some way by hindering me from letting go into the experience, and so in the hopes of having this not be another wasted 2C-I combination, I loaded a balloon with a few chargers to help myself out, and took it down at around T+1:35. It made the experience feel much more dissociating (of course) and I felt like I was tripping much harder once I came out of the balloon than before I went in, but it still didn't really feel like it had reached its full potential, like I had the same indiscriminate effects from before, just stronger now. It also didn't take longer for the nausea to start creeping back in. I had just a couple of weeks prior quit smoking weed for the time being and I really wasn't missing it so I had had no desire to mix it with this trip just for the sake of potentiation, but given the side effects and the fact that this experience felt like it just needed a little extra push to full evolve, I finally gave in and decided to go for it at about T+2:15. I got just a little bit of some high quality stuff to work with, and loaded myself a small bowl and started toking away, and then went to lie down closer to the TV to hear the music better.

What's up BL'ers?

So... I might go to jail.. No biggie.. Ha.

But, I'm hoping to avoid that possibility. I'm off the dope and it feels damn good. I feel like I have some semblance of sanity back, as if a veil has been lifted and I can finally see and feel again. Things are finally good for me, which would make it that much harder if it all got ripped away by the courts.

In other news, to add some more perspective to my life, I ran into an old buddy today at the diner.. an old old old buddy, and not because I've known him a long time, it's because he's old as fuck..

Everyone calls him "Jimmy Genius", because he must be a genius for somehow figuring out how to use massive amounts of dope for forty years and still be alive. I think his name should be .. "Jimmy Lucky As Shit", but that's just me.. Anyway, he was still looking as haggard as ever, as if the Crypt Keeper and Iggy Pop had a baby. But, the dude is still alive and kicking.. somehow. He's got long white hair, a beard stained yellow from all the years of 2 packs a day, and a big faded ass sailor jerry pinup tattoo on his neck (when you can make it out through all the wrinkles). I have no idea where he could possibly be shooting up anymore, as his last good vein must have died out twenty years ago.

So I say hello, and he mutters out some unintelligible shit, his voice all raspy like he's swallowed a spoonful of dirt. I wanna tell him to fuck off and let me eat my pancakes but.. ya gotta respect the old timers you know? So I nod and smile, while he scratches at his neck and sways back and forth like a Weeble Wobble.

After he leaves.. I stare down at my food, having totally lost my appetite (which is a shame because that place makes the best blueberry pancakes in the city), and thank the God's that I'm clean right now.. because I'm sure, a long long time ago, Jimmy Genius was having a meal just like that, talking to some other old dope fiend, and promised himself he'd never become that... but, sure enough... here he was all those years later.

So, I'll say it now for you all to read.

I don't ever want to become that.



-Scagnattie

well not a blog as such just a list of what i have and haven't taken how many days since 4 days since any stims

feeling less suicidal tonight though its rising listening to them two down stairs slagging me off to fuck because they don't like the truth their as much to blame for all of this as anyone

around 9 grams of mixed noids coming in the morning trying instead of benzo which are all ready costing far to much tolerance is sky high all ready

that's it for day one

By reading this you are agreeing to hold the poster:dopemaster, and bluelight.org completely unaccountable for any decisions, choices, and actions you make.

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Original Link - http://www.natureworldnews.com/arti...es-better-future-heart-health-study-finds.htm

Children who bully their peers have better health later in life due to increase in social status, a new study has found. Bullied children tend to suffer from long-term health problems, including chronic, systemic inflammation.

The study, conducted by researchers at Duke Medicine along with colleagues at University of Warwick, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and Emory University, looked at both sides of the issue. They found that bullies have better health in the future due to an increase in social status.

Bullying victims not only suffer from emotional problems, as noted by several other studies, but might even develop chronic health diseases due to increase in inflammation, researchers found.

Data for the study came from Great Smoky Mountains Study, which had collected information from 1,420 individuals for more than 20 years.

Participants were interviewed throughout their childhood and adulthood. Blood samples of the children in the study were collected to look for specific biological compounds. The team measured levels of C-reactive protein (CRP), which is a marker for inflammation and is associated with future heart health.

"CRP levels are affected by a variety of stressors, including poor nutrition, lack of sleep and infection, but we've found that they are also related to psychosocial factors," William E. Copeland, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University School of Medicine and the study's lead author, said in a news release. "By controlling for participants' pre-existing CRP levels, even before involvement in bullying, we get a clearer understanding of how bullying could change the trajectory of CRP levels.

The study included bullies, victims and people who were both bullies and victims. The team found that CRP levels increased across the three groups during adulthood. However, victims of bullies had higher levels of the marker when compared with the other two groups. What's more is that the CRP levels went up with each incident of bullying.

"Our study found that a child's role in bullying can serve as either a risk or a protective factor for low-grade inflammation," Copeland said. "Enhanced social status seems to have a biological advantage. However, there are ways children can experience social success aside from bullying others."

The study is published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Click to expand...

The above article really compelled me to share it with other Bluelighters who may be reading this, because, for me, this is something which seemed obvious for a long time, yet, I had no way of providing any sort of evidence to support my view on the matter.

As an adolescent/teenager, I grew up constantly bullied by others at school, and at home by at least two older male individuals who took out their own frustrations on me, as if I was a punching bag. And it severely affected my mental health in the long run, as I began to become isolated from society because I preferred it, and felt safer.

Whenever I did need to venture into a social situation (e.g. school, work, church, doctor's office, hospital, shopping, various appointments, and so forth), I found myself profoundly uncomfortable (usually sweating due to anxiety and nervousness), as if all eyes were on me and judging my body language, the clothes I wore, how I communicated, and much more.

To remedy this situation of constantly feeling like shit (physically, mentally, and emotionally), I eventually turned to using recreational drugs, which, I found were much more effective than the anti-psychotic and anti-depressant bullshit medications some greedy quack prescribed me in order to receive a royalty from the pharmaceutical company which manufactured the Rx drug in question.

I first started with nicotine (smoking tobacco) and alcoholic beverages, and eventually moved on to marijuana, ecstasy (MDMA), cocaine, meth, and the opioids including heroin.

As time passed, I also became fascinated with and began to study drug pharmacology, biology, and an introduction to organic chemistry. And as certain nuances of my life and the choices I made revealed themselves to me in greater clarity, it soon became obvious as to why I made so many life-altering decisions.

Without sounding like I'm asking for pity (because I really am not), or that I'm wallowing in self-pity (again, because I'm not), it's painfully clear to me that bullying greatly influenced my desire to constantly escape my sober pattern of thought, especially when in social situations. And I feel this article is reasonable proof that bullying can literally be the root cause of bad habits and chronic illness, which then may lead to a premature death not just for me, but every human being.

As such, I believe (and have always felt) that bullying should be considered a felonious crime, and that it should be punished severely - regardless of the age of the bully. This shit needs to stop before yet another gun-related school massacre tragically kills dozens of students somewhere in America (among other things). And if you, the reader has also been affected by bullying, I'm sincerely sorry, and I wish you nothing but the best in your future, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

There is a very common characteristic of a junky. A rail thin, pale faced shell of a human who is wasting away from the inside because of all the damage heroin has done to their body. In fact, this was a very real concern my mother has expressed to me. "Aren't you afraid of all the damage you're doing to your body?" This is a really hard one for the straight world to accept. But the truth of the matter is, heroin - especially when compared to other street drugs - does not cause any damage to the body. It doesn't damage your organs like meth or even alcohol. It doesn't make you lose weight. In fact, if anything is will make you gain weight because it causes a severe sweet tooth. It doesn't prematurely age you. It doesn't overtax your heart or lungs. Heroin does not damage the body at all. And this is not theory. Nor is it up for debate. Countless medical studies have been done that prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Just about every other drug is worse for you than heroin. Cocaine, Vicodine, Cigarettes, meth, alcohol - are all much, much worse for you than heroin. Weed is even more damaging if you consider the negative side effects of the smoke itself. When you consider the fact that heroin was intended to be a medicine, and is still a medicine in other counties, it makes sense. There is very little difference between heroin and the strong opiate pills still prescribed today. Even IV injections are basically harmless. Of course, repeated IV injections that are administered by users who don't practice proper harm reduction can have damaging side effects, like abscesses and collapsed veins. Along those same line, communicable diseases spread by sharing needles can be servery damaging to the body, and even cause death. But all of those health risks can be avoided by responsible users. I am no more at risk than a non-IV drug user, because I never share needles and always use a fresh one with each injection.

Medical experts generally agree that most health concerns associated with heroin use stem from the high-risk "junky" lifestyle that many heroin addicts succumb too. But not all addicts live that type of lifestyle. The ones that do have often run out of other options. They may have a felony after being charged with possession, baring them from most that would pay them enough to support their habit. Even without a felony it's hard to get any jobs when you have track marks. Others just don't feel comfortable co-mingling with the straight world because they know how harshly they are judged. If alcohol was illegal, alcoholics would have to resort to the same things. Although many will flame me for making such a claim and many will likely think I'm a dumb junky who's just trying to justify my irresponsible use, the truth is heroin is not bad for your body. It's the prohibition and subsequent smear campaigns on heroin and its users that pose all the major health threats related to its use. has created the vast majority of the dangers associated with heroin.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, "But people die from heroin every day. What about the risk of overdose?"It's a fair question and actually the topic I would like to talk about next. This is my moms biggest concern with my use. Every time you turn on the news there seems to be another death related to heroin. And it is a legitimate concern and I'm going to that it's not real because it is. But like everything else, it can be avoided. One of the most popular myths about heroin is that it will eventually kill you. Any user who's had a concerning friend try to talk them out of using had heard "Do you want to die early? It will kill you." And while it certain can kill you, it's not like one in every 500 shots of heroin is a loaded hot shot waiting to kill you. There are many contributing factors that cause a heroin related death. And all of them can be avoided by a smart user who is not using heroin as method of slow suicide. First, tolarnce is a major factor. Opiate tolerance builds up quickly and then fades with time once you stop using. One of the reasons my parents haven't tried to throw me in a rehab is because my mom has seen on TV many times celebrities who go to rehab, get out, and then OD shortly after. When she asked why, I told her it was because they were accustom to taking a certain amount and when they get out of rehab, they take they same amount that they used to, but their tolerance has dropped and their bodies can't handle that much anymore. Heroin, like alcohol and benzo's like Xanax, is a central nervous system depressant. It slow down your breathing and heart rate. Too much of this any you stop breathing altogether. When you've been using heroin for a while and your tolerance increases, you need more to achieve the same effects. It's tempting to want to keep increasing your dose so that you still feel the same effects that you felt when you first started. But there is only so much you can depress your heart rate and breath before it just can't go any lower and you die. But even still, this take a lot of heroin. It's extremely rare that heroin over doses happen with just heroin. In almost every single case there is a combination of drugs that contribute to the death, alcohol and benzo's being the most common. There is no real way to accurately calculate your tolerance when you combine drugs. If you are concerned about overdosing on heroin, there are a few things you can do that will practically guarantee it won't happen. 1.) Don't take any amount before building up to it. Meaning, don't take one balloon one day, then the next day decide you want to get really high and take four balloons. 2.) If you take a day or few off, take half as much as you took before you stopped. 3.) If you take a week or more off, start at beginning and take the lowest dose possible. 3.) Never, ever, ever mix depressants with heroin. Period. If all of these rules are followed, you will have basically zero chance of OD'ing.

There are many more misconceptions that I'd like to address, but I’ll address those in another post. Just to be clear, I'm not writing all of this as some sort of endorsement for heroin use. If only for the fact that it's illegal and you could spend time behind bars, I would never suggest that anyone try it. But the fact is, many people are trying it. And many people are addicted to it. And many people have loved ones they are concerned for who addicts. Addiction can be a very terrible thing, not because society say it's wrong to be addicted, but because it can change who you are and it does take away some of your free will, or at your prescription of free will. Many users even believe a lot of the inaccurate hype about heroin and start living and becoming and thinking of themselves as that negative stereotype. If we could strip away all the fluff, all the lies, all the hype, all the stigma, all the negative propaganda, we would be much more equipped to address the actual problems that heroin causes. We would even be able to completely eradicate some of the problems. Heroin is not the devil in a syringe. It's just another opiate medication. We as a society have made it into what it represents today. In this case, perception has been made reality. If we can take a step back and look at just facts, it might help ease the growing concern of the nation. More importantly, I could even help save the lives of people with families who loves them who much of society has written off as nameless faces not worth saving.

his is understandable considering the massive smear campaign that has been launched against is. Everyone has heard stories of the horrible things heroin addicts do to get their hands on it. Most people have heard it described as a total body orgasm. Many addicts will tell you that they'd rather die than not use, and often those who do use it die anyway. Even getting it in your system requires a lot of work. Why would someone want to inject themselves 4, 5, 6, 8, 10 times a day if it wasn't just about the best feeling thing on the plant? With all of the risk people willing to take, extreme behavior and negative side effects users put up with just to get it in their veins , it's got to at least feel great, right? Most people aren't willing to put up with all that. They don't want people to think poorly of them and to be rejected by their friends and family. They're not willing to spill blood just to find out what it's like. They don't want to become addicted. They don't want to risk the legal ramifications. And they certainly don't want to risk death. These are all very legitimate reasons. If only because of addiction, it's a smart choice to never take heroin. But with the rumors and hype and propaganda and outright lies spreading like wildfire, it makes for a very uneducated public. Inevitably facts will be eschewed by hysteria, users will be vilified and heroin itself... well, everyone knows it's the "Devil Drug".

For most, all of that negative press is enough to make them steer clear. But for others, it will be seen as the ultimate milestone, a right of passage that will escalate them into the drug using elite. And still another group just won't believe all the government propaganda and will want to find out for themselves. After all, that's what they said about pot, right? Regardless of personal opinion, I think everybody could benefit from a little education. Because heroin users aren't going anywhere. Misinformation will only leads to unnecessary fear, ineffective policies, (which can perpetuate disease and even death, on top of enforcing an inhumane punitive system), glamorization of the drug to those inclined to rebel, a nationwide health concern, addiction programs that don't work and the complete ostracization of a a fairly large group of our society - which in my opinion the worst thing that can happen in a "civilized" country. If there is be any success in addressing heroin addiction, then there needs to be accurate understanding of heroin and why it causes people to act the way they do. Otherwise, addicts won't be receptive to those trying to help because they won't feel understood. And people attracted to the drug because of the misinformation will be ill-prepared to deal with the consequences once they try it.

So, let's start with the basics. How does heroin make you feel? With all of the hype about this drug, it's got to be the absolute best feeling drug on the planet, right? That total body orgasm that people talk about. It must be a mind-blowingly incredible high, right? Wrong. Heroin has a subtle effect. It can be very disappointing to people who are used to MDMA, THC or even alcohol. It doesn't provide a body buzz even remotely similar to things like ecstasy. And the effects are much more subtle than the all consuming, mind dulling high of weed. Don't get me wrong, the feeling is very nice. But it's just that, nice. If you have zero opiate tolerance whatsoever and have ever taken a Vicodine, you have the basic idea of what heroin feels like. It does just what opiates were created to do. Take away severe pain and give you a sense of general well being. It does that very well. If you like harder drugs like MDMA and are looking for something similar, heroin is not the drug for you. There will be no life changing epiphanies on heroin. There will be no sensual body buzz. There will be no communion with the universe. It dulls pain and it dulls the sense. Period. That's why many people are able to try heroin and decide that it's not the drug for them. In fact, many people experience many negative side effects as well. Nausea is extremely common, as is constipation. For many people who try it, those side effects aren't worth the mild euphoria. So they don't use it again. Heroin users can do a shot and then proceed with their normal day, interacting with society, going to work, having dinner with their family, without anyone being the wiser. The notion that we all lounge around luxuriating in our own skin is completely inaccurate. Try MDMA if that's the experience you're looking for. Even with an IV injection, the rush is nice, and the high is nice. It won't knock your socks off and if you have any experience with other drugs, it will probably be disappointing.

So, why do people keep using it then? Why would people decide to throw their entire lives away, be outcasts of society and risk becoming a slave to the opium poppy because it's just "nice"? For many people, that feeling of "nice" is a very real escape from a terrible reality. Many users really do have terrible pasts they are running from. But not all of us. For others, like me, it provided a much more pleasant alternative than the more socially acceptable drugs. There's no hang over (until you develop a physical addiction), you can take it all day long and still work and accomplish all your daily tasks, because it doesn't give you such an intense high. Sure, when I'm partying I wanted that intense MDMA or meth or whatever buzz. But on a regular basis, heroin - and all opiates for that matter - provide a better alternative than getting mind numbingly plastered. All opiates provide that same feeling. But one of the huge downsides of opiates is that tolerance is rapidly developed, causing pill poppers to keep seeking a stronger and stronger alternative, until they finally find heroin. In addition, opiates are extremely addictive. So while you are building your tolerance, you are also building a physically dependency, which will soon lead to addiction. Addiction is a huge downside of heroin use. I do want to address addiction, but it will require a blog of its own. For now, let's continue with misconceptions.

To continue, turn to my next blog post, Everything You Know About Heroin is Wrong, Pt 2!

sexNcandy said:

Alright, so I have nietzsche's beyond good and evil laying around, i opened it on a random page and started reading passage 51 for no reason... so I went online and found the english verson of no. 51 and pasted it here

http://www.thenietzschechannel.com/works-pub/bge/bge3.htm

51.

So far the most powerful human beings have still bowed worshipfully before the saint as the riddle of self-conquest and deliberate final renunciation. Why did they bow? In him—and as it were behind the question mark of his fragile and miserable appearance—they sensed the superior force that sought to test itself in such a conquest, the strength of the will in which they recognized and honored their own strength and delight in domination: they honored something in themselves when they honored the saint. Moreover, the sight of the saint awakened a suspicion in them: such an enormity of denial, of anti-nature will not have been desired for nothing, they said to and asked themselves. There may be a reason for it, some very great danger about which the ascetic, thanks to his secret comforters and visitors, might have inside information. In short, the powerful of the world learned a new fear before him; they sensed a new power, a strange, as yet unconquered enemy:—it was the "will to power" that made them stop before the saint. They had to ask him — —

Click to expand...

Interesting. Thanks for that. I may look into the rest of this.

I honestly didn't feel connection enough to say how it connected, like I may have attempted to lay down elsewhere, with other things. This could be because I struggled to understand exactly what he (Nietzsche) meant/didn't read all the rest, outside of this passage for context, yet (this is one reason I'm tempted to). Not to say nothing didn't resonate. I may not say what, exactly. Perhaps my own thirst for power or belief that I have more power, might, but this would require that I recognize another as more powerful, as well, as the writing talks about. Or recognizing Saints. Again, I lack full comprehension.

I didn't feel much connection enough to pin it perfectly. Not like things that jump out at me, that I try to lay down.

I saw your message after I rented a movie on Redbox, which I did on the way home from watching Spiderman. The movie I got, Charlie Countryman, I noticed had a bonus movie, though I didn't pay attention/couldn't read the title well in the picture on Redbox's screen. I get home and your message is still on my mind. Its thundering and lightning, lightly, yet powerfully in the distance. The temperature has dropped considerably in the short drive from the theater, home. While picking out the movie is when I noticed it getting chilly. From comfortable and warm stepping out of the theater, to this chill.

Anyways, at home I took the DVD out of the container, and first thought someone put it in wrong, seeing the read side of the DVD facing up. I remembered about the bonus movie then. "Ah". The name of it is A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. This, I found resonant, to what you had written to me, that I read after I chose the movie.

I began to, and I attempted to keep writing this on my phone, but I had to plug it in as the battery was about to die, and when I plug it in for some reason the keyboard gets less sensitive and I mess up a lot, so I decided to post it here in my blog, on Bluelight, to save it, and then finish editing it on my computer. Plus, I had some more complex style editing to do that I couldn't do on the mobile version.

I went to the kitchen and was going to pour some juice, and started to fill my glass (the only one I use), with water, to rinse it out, as I had left some water in it before. I noticed something inside, and struggled in that moment to remember what I might have put in there, as the water spun in a circle (edit: vortex) within the glass. As it slowed, I saw what this was... A small creature- a spider (edit: upside down). Gold-yellow in color. As it spun, it's legs would go from folded onto itself to sprawled out, to folded on itself, trying to grasp onto something, perhaps. I opened the window, and put it outside, pouring the water out of my glass, with it, and noticing it was now raining. Then I realized I didn't really want to put it outside, and almost went out to fetch it, to bring it back in. But I let it go.

last time i went to a girl, and paid for sex, she had her period as it was happening.

i went and saw one last night, which was a few months after (i've had sex since, but not with an escort) the last time i did this, and she had also just started her period.

both were red-haired.

this one had a statue of Jesus, and Mary i think.

i was having an issue contacting her once i reached the destination, and got a little mad at God, as my previous attempt that night i went and tried to meet the girl, and her phone went straight to voice-mail, and at this point i considered that "God was trying to send me a sign", that this isn't what i was supposed to do. i didn't care. i basically said "fuck you, God, i'm doing what i want... let me fuck up on my own.". i was horny. and don't like to be told what to do.

She finally got back with me. Her girlfriends were in and out, or something, and there was distraction.

Rachel was her name, but Samantha was the name she advertised herself as. She was really nice. I wasn't as attracted to her as the last one, but she kissed me first, after I put my hand on her stomach, and gently came in contact. I tasted chemicals on her, things I am sensitive to- That burn my skin, and cause headaches, but I didn't let it stop me. I kissed her back. And again. She said I looked familiar. She said my voice sounded familiar, on the phone. Maybe this is just something they do. She didn't seem very familiar to me, but then again, not unfamiliar. She reminded me of people. She seemed to enjoy her time with me, and didn't rush me out/away, after finishing me off. I can't say I'm the ugliest of guys, but this still made me feel alright.

I left, and got back to where I lived, and saw people standing outside of the main entrance of the block where my unit is- my neighbors, and a friend of one of theirs- a strawberry blond girl. Mostly blond, but her complexion seems to say red-head. Her hair is honey colored. My neighbor Gina was wearing a red dress. And my upstairs neighbor, who lives right above me, I have already forgotten his name, but he was standing beside Gina, also dressed up, in a nice blue shirt, and khakis. The honey color haired girl's dog growled at me, as I approached. She is a puppy. This is the first time she has growled at someone, the girl said. The dog didn't growl at the other guy. She continually showed aversion to me, and hid behind the girl. In my heart, I know that I am not "good", so I wasn't offended. I know that I may not be "good". But neither are people. I think I had a certain energy disruption at the time. It was hard to bring words to the surface. I was messed up from the chemicals I ingested. I let my self be "bad", with the girl I was with. She went down on me. I went into it knowing she was on her period, which gives me some issue, knowing beforehand- not that I think there is a direct issue, but I contemplate the teachings of some religions that say not to engage with a woman sexually while on their period. I wrestle. And with this girl, after other play, she went down on me, and I put my hand down her back, and my fingers on her ass. I "completed a circle", her mouth on me, and my hand, that I usually use on me, my fingers on her anus. Not in. But it was as if I took control, having them there. Then I came.

Something about me felt "evil", doing that, though not. Dark, perhaps.

So that the dog seemed nervous around me. The girl with the honey colored hair said, when I did finally pet her, that I am not evil, and I said "I wouldn't say that", trying to be light about it (that everyone is evil, but it's how good we can be that matters), and that "He's not Satan or anything", at some point.

Soon the dog started acting like she had to use the bathroom, or dispose of something. She was lifting her legs in ways, and pacing. It stopped for a moment, this activity. Nobody else seemed to notice, that that I noticed, until the dog threw up a little in the grass, next to us. The girl stood up, worried about her. The others seemed worried, too. The dog then threw up exactly where the girl was sitting.

Then the dog was fine, and stopped shaking, as it was, and even seemed a little less nervous around me. I wonder if I caused it, or if it was more something that she ate, or it if all just went together.

bgg

As I stood on the knife edged mountain top eating an almond butter and honey sandwich, the air pressure seemed to drop and the wind began to howl in the trees around me. Soon, the tree tops were whipping around and bits and pieces of trees, sprigs of Douglas fir, twigs, small branches, and Old Man's Beard were blowing all over the place. An especially strong gust of wind slammed open the door to a ski patrol hut nearby. I could go in there for shelter, but I think I'll stand out here and take it all in. This snow storm was extra special because it came with thunder, and lightning was blasting the mountain top all around me. The wind was so strong ( 40 - 50 mph gusts imo) that it threatened to blow me down. It was so strong at the mountain top that it reminded me of hurricanes I'd been in. I put on my sun glasses, pulled down my balaclava, and began peeling an orange. Bring it.

By the time I had finished my lunch, the wall of snow had blotted out the 2nd mountain from me. Soon, it was over the valley directly below. And then it began snowing so heavily that I couldn't see more than 100 feet. I didn't want to do any more downhill runs because I couldn't see the moguls under these conditions. With my telemark skis, I usually wipe out on the moguls if I can't see far enough ahead to plan. Alpine skis or even a set of alpine-telemark bindings (heel latched down) would be ideal for the downhill part because I never fall in them. So I headed for the Canyon Loop, a trail that follows the rim of a 5000 foot canyon and eventually connects with a network of 100s of miles more trails. Everything was now whited out and I could only see a few hundred feet. So much for the spectacular vistas across the canyon. And of course I couldn't see any of the trail markers during such heavy snow. But, I memorized a topographical map of the area before I left home so finding my way shouldn't be a problem.

I started on Canyon Loop Trail and within minutes, I began hearing people following me. They were talking loudly and occasionally shouting as they crashed through the underbrush. It sounded like they kept going off the trail. Who would be out here in a snow storm? Other than myself, I've never met anyone who enjoys these conditions and seeks them out. And this place is remote. Even on a clear day, I've never seen anyone here. For nearly 10 miles of skiing, I could hear them every few minutes. By now, I was way out along a partially forested ridge, but the voices were still behind me. I could make out a word or phrase every now and then but never a full sentence and nothing that made sense. I felt like the Jack Nickolson character in the Shining. It's been a while, but wasn't he hearing the former occupants of the deserted hotel during the blizzard? It didn't seem appropriate that I was now hearing here because I never heard voices when I've skied at the real Timberline (on Mt. Hood in Oregon, the site of fictional Overlook Hotel where the Shining was filmed) -- when I lived in Portland, my gf and I would ski there on the weekends...

I went on exploring for another hour or so. When I heard them, I'd pause sometimes and turn aroudn. Nothing. Now it was still snowing too heavily to see anyting --- Nobdy was there and they finally quieted down, but I could almost sense somebody through the snow and trees. Maybe Grady was out there ready to serve me a drink. Or maybe the bathtub woman ready to do her thing. So this time, I back-tracked, staying in the ski tracks I'd just made and then hid in some bushes along the path. I waited in the bushes to see if I can spot them. Nothing. I got back on the trail. Anyway, I went to the north end of the ridge which seemed like a good place to turn around. It had snowed this whole time, and finally it was stopping. The ridge ended in a 5000 foot cliff. The next mountain was visible across the eastern end of the valley, but the storm was still on the western half. What I took to be the continuation of the trail seemed to get lost in a tangled clear-cut farther along the ridge.

There was a thread of a river below. Good spot to pee. How far will it go in the wind? Can I hit the river? That was fun, maybe I'll bring a golf club and a bag of golf balls during the summer.

I was hungry again. Here, I ate my dinner sitting on my haunches on the overlook enjoying the fantastic view. Meanwhile, the snow had covered my ski tracks except those I'd made during the last mile or so. I was kind of annoyed that I wouldn't be able to track the people who had been following me. But on my return trip, my tracks were still visible in some spots where they had been sheltered by denser forest or bluffs. My tracks were always the only ones there.

Picking up several months after my 20-year reunion with Crystal Meth....I will write about those first weeks later...the 25g needles and eyeballing doses and no triple antibiotic...right at this moment, I am finishing the latest bout of explosive diorreah, Twenty hours after a .5g IV dose.
The dose went poorly...I registered on the second stick....but lost it at 1/2 the dose. I stuck myself until I got the rest in, but the lesson was put down the rig and enjoy the rush.
Interestingly, this was the day before my 50th birthday, now 48 minutes gone by.

Picking up several months after my 20-year reunion with Crystal Meth....I will write about those first weeks later...the 25g needles and eyeballing doses and no triple antibiotic...right at this moment, I am finishing the latest bout of explosive diorreah,

im finally faboulous agane

Man I'm beat such a long day at work for me its getting so dam busy can't keep up. So sore and hate the feeling of my feet being wet in my boots all day all I wana do is snort some bupe and have a bath probably smoke some hash and watch "house" on netflix. I screwed up my taper off suboxone after I got a bad tooth dealt with and I've been in alot of pain along with my back just killing me from doing this hard job of mine day in and day out. I really need to think of something else to do for the moment anyways that's not so physically demanding and hard on your body. I think I may have another job lined up with the same company that's not so physical but I'll see how it goes there's nobody to replace me yet.

Fuck I hate my neighbours I live above this gash in a fourplex who is always complaining to the landlord about me and my mom saying were too loud with the tv and we slam the door in the mornings , don't give her privacy and put too much trash in the can blah blah blah fuck off lady geez some people just have no lives so they fuck with others. I wish I could own my very own home already instead of renting but that's not likely in this day and age.

I have been working with my lawyer to get some of my dads money from his will though so I got my fingers crossed about that
My dad died in January and the bastard didn't even mention his two kids in his will he did everything he could to make sure his family would get none of his riches when he died and while he was alive. Its just been mind boggling to me seeing everything he did just how selfish he really was like he used to do stuff like make his side of the bed but not my moms and when I needed hearing aids at age 4 cause I couldn't hear or talk yet he refused to buy then because he wanted to buy himself an airplane to put in the garage so I went without hearing until my mom wrote a letter to a charity and they paid for a new pair of hearing aids thank god for my mom she would do anything for her kids which is why I return the favour and I'm taking care of her now that she's sick.

Im Glad I was able to pull myself back out of my last relapse when my dad died and I found out just how much he really hated me it was hard to accept that's for sure had a lot of anger and still do today. I mean it was such a shake I had to grow up without a dad while he lived just down the road in our old family home most of the time while we moved from shitty apartment to even shittier apartments all the time cause we were so poor with no food and a mom who was going crazy. At one point we were even homeless and my dad had a few million to his name the whole time I just can't imagine doing that to my kids letting them suffer like that. He eneve even knew what I looked like didn't even want a picture of me. I've worked out in the gym while he was next to me and he had no clue who I was or if he did he ignored me
Really hope something good comes out of this and easier times are ahead for us we deserve it its not fair his new girlfreid gets everything and gets rich while me the son who had to support his mental sick mother since age 14 because my dad wanted to do his own thing ends up with nothing. Nope I'm definitely fighting that I'm lucky to live in a part of the world where any will can be changed if the court sees good reason for it.

Well I'm off to bed another long day ahead of me tomorrow at least it'll be Friday. Thanks for reading

April 27.

This journal entry is a few days old. I originally wrote it in "gedit," a Generic EDITor much like the Windows Notepad text editor, because I didn't have internet access when I wrote it. Gedit and offline is where most of my blog entries stay, but I wanted to share this one for a change -- this is the first time in a few weeks that I did something other than study, hunt for mushrooms, or work on projects.

I have bad genes. I've had the tendency to put on weight since I turned 25 years old. I mean that if I don't exercise hard at least 5 days a week, I will get fat, and this predisposition has gotten worse the older I've become. It starts with a small pot belly. Then comes chin "waddle," a bloated face, and a bigger pot belly. Finally comes the overall potato-shaped decrepitude that is so typical of Americans nowadays. How do I know this about myself? I looked in the mirror one day and, to my horror and disgust, noticed that I was fat. I was sickened on an even deeper level by my lack of self-discipline and will power and my overall moral failure in letting this happen. I had fought it off in its early stages several times before, but this was the worst it's ever been. I think I was 31 years old that day. What was so surprising is that I had been bicycling 50 - 75 miles per week and lifting weights at the time. I couldn't believe it had happened. Until then, that had been enough exercise to keep fit. So that left me with two choices: diet or more exercise. Or suicide. I like to be able to eat whatever I want and hate restricting calories. If I want a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream one day, I will have it. That rules out dieting. And I wanted to live and try to do something worthwhile during my lifetime in this world -- I was working toward my PhD in grad school at a world class university training to be a neurobiologist and wanted to help advance humanity's understanding of the neural substrates of consciousness. I thus chose to pile on more exercise and was able to take care of my weight problem within a few months. Over the years, to maintain my interest in exercise, I began to "cross-train" or alternate between different sports.

Exercise physiologists tell us that cross country skiing burns more calories than almost any other sport: about 800 - 900 calories per hour, give or take 100 or so depending on intensity. So during a typical day of skiing one might burn 5000 calories. Given an average 2000 calorie per day diet, that's 2 or 3 days of meals.

I enjoy winter sports, especially skiing, and 20 miles from me is an abandoned ski resort that has been shut down for years. But I don't drive so getting to good areas like that takes some planning. Some fool once accused me of having had my driver's license taken away, but that's not the case. I can legally drive, but I choose not to for a number of reasons, mainly political and ethical. As a non-driver, making the planning even more difficult is the fact that I live in Buttfsck Egypt, and there is no public transportation here. There was a commuter train here until about 50 years ago, but like most of the rail network in this country, it was dismantled in favor of single-occupancy automobiles.

Today would probably be the last chance of the year to ski in good snow. It had snowed much of the night and morning. There would be a foot of fresh snow at the resort, not counting the several feet of packed snow that has built up over the winter. The road to the resort was icy, and snow plows hadn't gone through yet. Snow was piled too close on the shoulders for me to haul the skis on my bicycle (I've done this before but on wider roads).

I had been skiing there part of the winter -- I was able either to hitch-hike -- just start walking down the road with my ski bag over my shoulder and within an hour or so of thumbing, someone going over the mountain pass would usually take me to the abandoned ski resort. But, I quit going because the snow has been rotten for the past 3 months because of the unusually warm and dry winter the Pacific Northwest has had. Today I was afraid there wasn't going to be a lot of traffic going up there. The Department of transportation might have closed the mountain pass or maybe just because it hasn't been plowed, I didn't want ot risk wasting the day hitchhiking.

Sometimes I compromise my ideals. I haven't driven in more than 10 years (since the 2nd oil war aka Iraq II). The only exception was the time I recently crashed my gf's car when my gf thought it would be a good idea for me, a non-driver, to pick her up from the San Francisco airport an hour away in heavy mid-day traffic in her car -- her NEW car -- despite my explaining to her in verbose detail why having me drive was a VERY VERY BAD idea because I would probably wreck her new car. Not only that, but BART (the Bay Area commuter train) is a five minute walk from her house and stops directly at the airport, etc etc etc.... But like a typical American Girlfriend, she has to have her way, especially when she's wrong. Thinking back on that, I think she might have wanted that exact result. She hated that car and for me to "total" it (to totally destroy it beyond the replacement cost of a new car) was a way for her to get rid of it and collect insurance money to buy a new one. ...

So not having driven a car fro more than 10 years, I borrowed an old "4X4" style hillbilly farm truck complete with a gun rack in the back window. The farmer whose truck it was explained that the truck was a 4 wheel drive with a manual transmission (stick shift). This will be obvious to most people who drive, but if not, operating manual transmission (stick shifter and clutch) is a skill that has to be learned. He explained that the truck would be terrific for driving in the snow. And because it was a 35 year old junker already full of scrapes, dents, and rust-holes, it didn't matter if I banged it up a little bit more.

OK. I don't really remember how to drive. And I definitely dont' know how to drive a stick shift. But he explaiend that the gears are arrayed in an H-shape. And you have to press the pedal all the way on the left (there are 3 pedals instead of 2 in a stick shift, and the pedal on the left is the clutch.....) and let off the gas so you don't over-rev it. Lucky for me, he let me practice driving it on the farm to make sure I didn't crash or ruin the transmission.

I drove there without any major problems except occasional gear grinding and a hot engine, and there's still about 3 feet of packed snow base with about a foot of fresh snow on top. And the temperature was below freezing. These are good skiing conditions. Today I had my Karhu telemark skis (a type of back-country long-distance touring ski notorious for their difficulty in turning quickly).

The icing on the cake is that I was the only one there. I had the entire ski resort to myself. The parking lot was unplowed and covered with snow. The chalet was empty; the cabins, hotel adn bar were vacant. The ski lifts were still and the lift-chairs were piled with snow. The chairs at the entry and exit of the lift were buried in sevearl feet of snow. The lift-huts were empty. Trail maps and directions to various areas of interest were still displayed intact at the major areas. The feeling was of emptiness and nostalgia for the crowds who skied there decades ago. (Ever since my recent Fentanyl run, I've picked up on a dimension of nostalgia in many aspects of life.) I was reminded of the Overlook Hotel in Stanley Kubrick's film "The Shining."

The lifts were strung out to the top of the mountain which is about 1000 feet higher than the lodge (according to the trail map) so I put on my skis and skins and trudged up the mountain. The climb was a good cardio workout. Just one trip up, and my clothes were heavy with sweat. But I was wearing a warm parka so I wouldn't get cold when the wind hit my sweat-soaked clothes at the top.

After a couple of hours of skiing, practicing my slow clumsy telemark turns on my way down the resort's slopes, then at the bottom strapping on my climbing skins, and going back up (a 1/2 hour trek wearing skis), I was ready to explore. There are miles of trails carved into the forest along the mountain ridges above the resort. A promising one, Canyon Loop, follows the rim of a 5000 foot canyon. But before I set out, I began to eat my lunch while taking in the view.

To my left (south) ski slopes are cut into stands of Douglas Fir and pines descending more than 1000 feet to a gorge and the mountain pass. Beyond the gorge are 3 more ridges of mountains, each one smaller than the one before it and through a break in them, I can see into a wide valley that looks like it could be around 50 miles across to the next mountain range (the Cascades, I think). Directly in front of me is the edge of a cliff. It drops even deeper to another narrow gorge. I can hear the noise of a mountain river rushing through it. Rising steeply beyond that is anohter ridge that's even higher than the one I'm on.

I love storms. Thunder storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and especially blizzards put a smile on my face. So I stood at the peak on Canyon Loop in my skis eating the afternoon luncheon that I'd packed and notice a snow storm creeping toward me. It had not been snowing since I got here. It's about 3 mountains away -- I'm good at judging distance by sight (I have training both in land surveying and in wilderness navigation)-- so 3 mountains means roughly 10 miles distant, and it seemed to be picking up speed. EVerything within the storm is whited out. It's like a 10000-foot-tall wall of snow moving in.

This is certainly the last snow of the year and who knows how long it will be before I can ski in Oregon again? (because I'm thinking of moving on...) I'd better enjoy it while I can.

To be continued (word limit exceeded)

I did my tough mudder and I actually had nothing to be worried about plus vegas was a fucking blast even with my family - who knew? lol
I finally finished that Stephen king book about the jfk assassination - it took me like 2 years of reading it off and on ( I read a ton of books in between) I seriously don't think I have ever taken so long to read a book it kind of had just enough to keep me reading anyway not his best but I did like the ending
also update so yah I only work 2 days a week (which I like) and I don't make that much money (which i don't like) but my job thus far (its been 4 weeks) has been very very pleasant and everyone I work with is super nice
I am also officially registered for my first semester of graduate school (M.S. in Exercise Science) and I am waiting to hear about the GA position ( a part of me feels like if I don't get it I should switch to the counseling program because then tuition is free)
so woohoo things are good and looking forward to the 10 mile run I am signed up for at the end of the month!

so, i was coming off 5 months of using bupe; started off at 16MG and was down to about 4-8MG/daily before slipping up. I start to slip and was using 1-2x's a week before it eventually went back to using daily.

I first started buying 40's - 3 for the usual ONE ZERO ZERO! I was blasting a 40 a shot and "feeling good". well, soon it was blasting 2 40's, and then 3 40's and then before you know it my addiction was back to where it was before and costing me WAY TOO MUCH DAILY; still is to this day.

next week I will be working REMOTE all week; I plan on kicking this fucker COLD TURKEY, again! I am NOT using bupe again; it did zero for me. well, it kept me away from dope but it still made me ADDICTED TO OPIATES daily; so what is the point? I want OFF EVERYTHING! I am sick of having to take something daily to get me by.

we'll see how this goes; I have a really ripping habit right now, so let's see how this detox works. I have weed, xanny, sleeping pills, NyQuil, Phenibut and anything else needed to ease the detox. let's see how it all goes.

again, I read my last post and it actually saddened me; just shows how WHACKED I was last time I wrote it. funny because it's when I first started shooting again and I dont even remember writing it; goes to show how good the dope was at that time vs. what it is now and how my tolerance is now! sad.. just SAD!

I am actually SNIFFING lately instead of shooting; my veins are SHIT! I cant have that anymore; I am done. problem w/ sniffing is I am sniffing DOUBLE what I would normally shoot; that sucks. but it's what I need to do.. plus, it's only 3 more days of "sniffing" before I try and kick this COLD FUCKING TURKEY!

I will surly update myself.

wish me luck.

also, any suggestion you have, please let me know.