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i can't cope no more I've tried so hard to pay these these debts off n when I think I'm getting somewhere, more charges get piled on. How am I meant to get myself out when they keep doing this over n over again? :( i've just bought my child some clothes for her weekend away with some family members (first time she's been away since she was born 5 years ago.
I tried the credit union but they won't give me a loan as I've got a big debt.
Thing is I could pay this as I don't like owing, I hate owing others money but how when they pile on the charges knowing I'm on disability benefits.
I've had enough of feeling stressed of this now n admit I need help n I don't know what to do (that's difficult for someone who's independent to admit).
Please no mean comments as not in the right head space for them, haven't been in months :(

Evey
But no one ever said it would be this hard. I knew I was going to be in for a rough ride. I mean 5 years of maintenance 7 years of nothing but opiates in my brain I figured it would be ugly. But I wasn't quite prepared for this. 30 days after the end of acute withdrawals and I'm fucking miserable. The depression and anxiety is indescribable. I can hardly leave my dorm room. I have started drinking to treat the anxiety. I hated alcohol before now I'm polishing a half liter of Jim bean a day. Fuck! What sucks is its so unsatisfying. Heroin is still what I think about first thing every morning. Hell at this point I would settle for suboxone as a classy alternative to the Imodium and drink. I keep wondering if this will ever end?
I have come to a place where I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm alone all day every day with my one and a half year old grandson. I wonder why I don't have a job anymore. I wonder why I have never been able to find work. I wonder how I'm going to make myself useful. I know there are opportunities to volunteer. My daughter can't afford daycare, and it is good for me to be with my baby grandson all day. With the economy or at least my economy refusing to bounce back, at least I get to spend my days believing in magic.

But to what end? I need some direction. I've done everything and nothing satisfies. I have been in religions, and I don't NOT believe in Jesus. Or Buddha. I've done drugs. They take money anyway and those days are over. I'm lucky to have a few grams to smoke now and then. (I am attending the 420 festival this year. I'm very excited.) I got my degree. I taught school. I bought a house. It was all very exciting. None of it really rooted in me. Don't cue that fucking U2 song. I get it. I'm not really looking for anything but I haven't found it either.

I write. That's what I do. And now I do it for my grandchildren. Because life is hard, and maybe they will need some comfort. I want to do that with my life now.

I watched Mortified Nation on Netflix tonight, and it was like I had died and gone to heaven. yea, cue the blind melon. no rain indeed.

I have journals. I am surprised to see that I am approaching 5000 posts here, plus some blogs, but I write too. I have ALWAYS written. I remember being frightened because my fifth grade teacher started to cry when she was reading a story I turned in. My fear turned to pride when she complimented me, and sent me home with a lovely note to my parents.

I have lost or burned more of my writing than I have left. But I have plenty left.

Not that I EVER thought it mattered in the slightest. But it does matter. Mortified Nation is my nation.

I belong there.


I'm in.
My daughter and son in law are moving with my 18 month old grandson to a different area of our town. I used to score on the street they are moving to and I saw a guy near there today that used to be on deck all the time.

I can't say anything to my daughter because she doesn't know everything about me.

But FUCK ME!!! I do NOT want my grandson down there. My son in law has addiction problems worse than anyone. He is in trouble down there and does not EVEN know it.

FUCK fuck fuck... I don't feel good about this. I can keep the baby safe. That's what I do, anyway, regardless of anything.
That's what I will keep doing.

I don't want to be down on that street and now I have to pick up the baby and drop him off, I will be there twice a week. People there are going to see me. I don't blend in. My car looks like my car.

Does anyone have any suggestions on maybe a good way for me to handle this?
I am doing chakra work this summer. Seven weeks to focus on one chakra a week. I'm almost done with week one. Here's the deal.

I am feeling tired, uninspired, and hot. Summer is not my favorite time of year. So I decided what I should do is get some chakra self therapy underway.

To start:
I am altering an old book to keep a journal of the work I do. I cut some of the pages out and randomly tore them and decoupaged them to the front of the book. That will be the background for an eventual collage.

I am starting with my base or root chakra. Simply put, it is at the base of my spine, it's color is red, and it connects me to the earth. I am using meditation combined with sound therapy and visualization along with yoga to refresh and replenish my root energy.

Additionally, I am focusing on the color red, in the foods I eat and also in the journal I am keeping.

For example, I had a beet salad for lunch. I made tomato bisque for dinner.

I have taken pictures from print materials I have on hand and collaged representations of the red foods I have added to my diet this week into the journal, right over the pages of the book itself. Some times I find words in the pages I want to save so I circle them in red and work around them. One of the words this week actually was "red"... it was random but close enough to make me feel like this is worth doing... I took it as encouragement.

I don't often come to BL anymore. Its hard to talk about getting high. But I can keep track of the chakra work I do and whatever benefits I reap on my blog here, because I don't go to class. I do all my practice at home and in private. I don't have friends. I don't want friends. But I would like to have someone to bounce my experiences off as I work through my chakras one by one.

I am not going to have the time to do as much as I wanted because my daughter got a promotion and instead of having the whole summer off, she goes back to work in a week. I babysit for her so my summer is done.

But the work shall continue. I'm so glad BL is still here.
Here is an injection video I did to the song Heroin She Said by Wolfsheim

Dear Drug Policy Lawmakers,

The war on drugs (and your role in it) is a cruel joke. And I'm gonna use the good ole' US of A as an example of why this is because their government started it, and they're also a "superpower" who can influence the decisions other nations make regarding controversial topics.

However, it applies just as much to you as it does to them as you both share very similar drug policies.

America's population amounts to approximately 5% of the entire world, yet their prisons are filled with more inmates charged with (mostly non-violent) drug related offenses than the entire world combined.

They have spent over $1,000,000,000,000 (one trillion) USD (£617,818,000,000) of tax payer money to fight this silly war, yet have very little to almost no significant progress to show for.

South of their border in Mexico, since 2006 when then President Felipe Calderon foolishly decided to go along with their charade, more than 70,000 civilians have lost their lives due to drug-cartel related violence.

Recreational drug use - whether it's controlled medications or illicit substances (narcotics as law enforcement incorrectly refers to them) - has skyrocketed in the US since a former corrupt president known as Richard "I am not a crook!" Nixon declared war on drugs on May the 13th, 1971 - over 4 decades now... Yet you think they're making progress?

They say they stand for "freedom and liberty for all" - yet for close to a century they're dictating to the nation what they can and cannot ingest. I hope and wait for nothing less than a revolution (an end) to this fascist fallacy they've been feeding their citizens through various forms of media and propaganda.

A nation so brainwashed by nearly a century of lies and deceit, that it has long ago stopped referring to alcohol or tobacco as drugs.

Good lord - each year, more Americans die from second-hand (tobacco) smoking-related illnesses than all street drug-related deaths combined. Just think about that for a minute.

The sooner this futile "war" implodes, the better, along with their conservative dictators who continue to fight for it.

May due justice be served to all the victims, many of whom - typical non-violent users - lived their entire adult lives and died in prison for the right to ingest what they want. For the right to want to feel better, or simply have some fun. For the right to grow and harvest any plants they desire. Because many of us will never stop fighting for true freedom and liberty.

-------------------------------

On the other hand, I openly acknowledge that no drug use is 100% safe - which should be obvious to everyone, no matter what side you're on.

If you can live your life without using any drugs (including alcohol, and even caffeine) - obviously that would be in your best interest.

However, if someone does decide to use (for example) some marijuana, or alcohol, or even smoke some opium - it's their body, it should be their choice, it sure as hell shouldn't be a crime. Either way, in such cases, politicians as well as law enforcement need to stop sticking their noses in everyone's personal affairs.

If we want to have a functioning society, where people pull their weight around and contribute - we need to refrain from treating people like criminals because they want to make themselves essentially feel better.

The thing with the war on drugs is: our government tries (unsuccessfully) to deal with a health problem, as if it was a legal problem.

Addiction is an effect of human unhappiness and human suffering. When people are distressed, they want to sooth their distress. When people are in pain, they want to soothe their pain. So the real question is not "why the addiction" but "why the pain".

The point is, we urgently need a new plan. We need those in power to have the courage to speak out about this, even if it means less votes. You will be the motivation others will be looking for to speak out against this war. In time, you may be rewarded justly for your actions.

Enough is enough, end this futile failure of a war which is causing more harm than it's preventing.
The first time I did it I was tripping on 2C-D. Dosage was unknown. I had felt like, although I had never been, I was in the middle east. I was at my friend Alstons apartment in Bloomington, Indiana, and this was his first time tripping. He had an appointment in the morning with a recruiter. The Iraq occupation was in full swing. This was around 2004. That morning Matt, a friend called Alston, from Iraq. Just prior I had felt like I was there, in that region. And now I realise that when I first prostrated, as came naturally then for the first time, I was facing Mecca. I knew nothing about Islam. I did not know it means submission, but that's exactly what I meant by my prostration. It was all that felt at all right.

I'm still in argument if I wasn't facing more south than Mecca. But the towel I had with me I seem to remember was pointing that way, when I initially laid it out.
Old man Ron is aspirating his syringe and ready to slam that shit, right? :! "More more more" said the old wise man.
Deleted as vent is over with now..... Drinking a camomile tea and getting ready for the wooden hill... trottity trot...
Got access to my bluelight account again!!! Fuckkkk yeahhhhhh

Best news today :)
some nights its like the world teams up against me.

even stop lights.
and need to separate,
out of insecurity.
It is pyrroloquinoline quinone, aka PQQ, aka the novel putative vitamin. Historically, many, many compounds have been proposed as vitamins and then withdrawn. This is why the sequence of B vitamins includes B1 thiamin, B2 riboflavin, B3 niacin, B5 pantothenate, B6 pyridoxal, B7 biotin, B9 folate, B12 cobalamin -- B4, B8, B10, and B11 were later withdrawn as were B13, B14, B15, B16 and B17. The jury remains out on PQQ (jury also still out on choline), but let's go to the record.

In 2003, the famous Kasahara and Kato publish a report in Nature detailing the role of PQQ in lysine metabolism, suggesting it may be a novel vitamin in mammals.

http://www.shanghaimed.cn/bookpic/upFileDown/201051818383010617.pdf (Kasahara and Kato, 2003)

Two years later, two papers in Nature, one by Rucker et al, one by Felton and Anthony, attack this hypothesis. Rucker states that PQQ status does not affect the presence or absence of lysine-metabolizing enzymes, a biomarker for lysine metabolism. Fenton and Anthony state that the proposed PQQ-dependent enzyme was misidentified, and has a novel structure but does not use PQQ. Nature was furious, and published both.

http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v433/n7025/abs/nature03323.html (Rucker et al 2005)
http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v433/n7025/abs/nature03322.html (Fenton and Anthony 2005)

The next year, Bauerly et al publish a report in Biophysica Acta confirming K&K and stating that PQQ status does indeed affect lysine metabolism, regardless of alpha-aminoadipate semialdehyde dehydrogenase! The authors go on to state that PQQ's known, novel and poorly understood role in mitochondriogenesis -- the generation of new mitochondria -- may explain its role in lysine metabolism. Nature has had more than enough of this bullshit.

http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=18265312 (Bauerly et al 2006)

In 2009, Rucker, Chowanadisai and Nakano -- the same Rucker as before -- publish an article in Alternative Medicine stating "PQQ is a novel biofactor for which a proposition can be made for physiological importance." Again he cites the role of PQQ in mitochondriogenesis. This represents a partial -- mind you I said partial -- reversal of Rucker's initial position, but not a suggestion that PQQ is a mammalian enzyme cofactor:

http://www.researchgate.net/publica...quinoline_quinone/file/d912f50609e366fa89.pdf (Rucker et al 2009)

Anthony, by contrast, remains firmly in the "not a cofactor, not a vitamin" camp, with a well-cited presentation on his website of why he thinks so.

http://www.chris-anthony.co.uk/myresearch.html#pqqvit

So, is PQQ vital to life?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpaQpyU_QiM

This was originally posted as a response to a thread in Basic Drug Discussion
This is a personal rant about mu old forum that I miss, and still can't even be welcomed bac.

Okay, so I wish this place was a lot more happening like DF was. I like it here and everyone is really accepting, but not nearly as many threads I can answer that DF had. I still try to go back and they refuse to even let me join as a newbue. Is there any way to report the administrator there because that was personal and biased as I was removed without a second thought. I respected their rules, I was even hacked as my own personal picture was deleted and replaced with some lame pic. I had a pic just like this one but the fact that I was injecting was the case.

A drug forum that excludes the top users, as in many IV users were banned and I'm not b;uffing. If you aren't ashamed of the needle, then you are not liked there. I really do appreaciate the fact that I haven't been harassed or even questioned here for my rather blunt ways. I was so used to posting there and still miss that place. I want to report their actions if I can. Banned for being me and having a back bone for what I chose to do. I subscired there and had my own group taken out as well. Needle Fixation had many IV users in it, but it was considered "glamorization" which was total bullshit. It is something that is very misunderstood and judged. Yes, me and other IV users acutally like the needle very intensely and it gets deep, but that where my group came in. Fuck that shit, I really want to shove it in their faces for being biased against what is prevelant amongst drug users. They need a fucking banner that says NO IV USERS. I'd rather see it then discover it later on. I want to shove some fire crackers up DF's ass and light 'em up. Their mods are horrible!
Not Even Once

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Like expressing yourself in syllables, too? Please feel free to leave your own haiku in the comment section below!
[video=youtube_share;9rOWJRSf06Y]http://youtu.be/9rOWJRSf06Y[/video]
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