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/Neighborhood Porto social housing belonging to the parish of Ramalde .It is currently considered the most dangerous and most stigmatized of Oporto district, as it is one of the main centers of consumption and drug trafficking that city. [ citation needed ] . It consisted of five buildings, but currently there are only three (see text). Are commonly called by its high towers by height compared to other districts of 13 floors each, with 320 homes. The vast majority of people who live there are from the Ribeira do Porto .http://youtu.be/zuyM7DvxTKA[video=youtube_share;zuyM7DvxTKA]http://youtu.be/zuyM7DvxTKA[/video]

Tower 5 gone boom !

Next stop after 122


the lovely pre war ghetto that u may have seen on the Train as u come in 2 Bath Spa it is red brick .

a leper amongst the sandstone .

Looks like Coronation St.

BA"2 was the poor side n that wasd where i was going armed with enuff johnstones paint 2 open a shop.

at the time i was made upbut soon it was like a bit [video=youtube_share;KBr_rAfAZQw]http://youtu.be/KBr_rAfAZQw[/video]

dark

So the Biggest W dealer in the History of Bath lives on my St .

My fiend said that the vibes were wrong i ignored her 2 my woe

There were fun bits like when man come 4 d meters i was waiting on a 50 N it arrived as he was buning a zoot of his Skunk impressive eh ?

Well he had a different pipe that day

poor lad gave me £40 in credit as a i am out my depth " thing

I fukin painted n decorated that place like i would a job n put laminate in .

Pity that i couldn't of had even semi adult neighbours above .
They had turned it in 2 fukin 3 bedsits n 1 of em was on H n he would wait till my nect had gone n be down with in 5 mins , sayin " oh i just wondered if u .........

Course u did .

His brother was a psychopathic social degenerate n 2 top it of

they had there Dad there 2 . A ex roider

Cunts all of em i never got any proper sleep at that place in 4/5 years .

The Dad even fronted my Ma " Your son is a fukin junkie "

My Ma is pretty nice with put downs n replied

" i know Why would u like to send him 2 rehab "
Fat cunt just stood there n mumbled summat

.

It was a big gaff n i shared it with a Mate n My Co DEpendent addict GF .

The end began when the W man started getting his windows smashed n it all became claustrophobic culminating in the Biggest haul of Crack the City has ever seen


Two charged after drugs swoop

By This is Bath | Posted: April 09, 2011

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​Two people have been charged following drugs raids in the city where police seized crack cocaine, heroin, cannabis and £20,000 in cash.
Lascelles White, 53, from Bath, has been charged with supply of Class A drugs (crack cocaine) and possession with intent to supply Class A drugs (crack cocaine).
He was expected to appear before Bath Magistrates Court today.
Dilys Stainer, 52, from Bath, has been charged with possession with intent to supply Class A drugs (crack cocaine).
She was expected to appear before Bristol Magistrates Court today.
A 44-year-old woman from Bath arrested for conspiracy to supply Class A drugs has been released on bail pending further inquiries.
Two addresses in Excelsior Street were targeted on Thursday and officers seized around eight ounces of a substance believed to be crack cocaine along with cannabis, heroin and £20,000 in cash.
Following the raids Bath Det Insp James Riccio said: “These arrests stem from an extensive investigation and reiterate our pledge to identify drug dealers and bring them to justice.
“There have been four drug-related deaths in the Bath area in the past 16 months and we are working closely with our partners to reduce these figures.”
Det Con Jason Chidgey of the Serious Crime Group added: “We believe this operation will have a significant impact on the supply chain in Bath.
“We will continue to target those who engage themselves in drug dealing and associated criminality in our force area.”

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Read more: http://legacy.thisisbath.co.uk/held-drugs-swoop/story-11327929-detail/story.html#ixzz2rJsTSQJ8[/FONT]

This is the first video in a 5 part series I've named "Our Junky Forefathers". A photographic look back through the last 100 or so years at the evolution of drugs and our nation's attitude towards them.

Since the hypodermic syringe was in invented in 1853, Morphine and Heroin Addicts have been determined to stick them in their veins, no matter the cost Beautifully crafted, glass, antique syringes conjure romantic imagery of our junky forefather's injection rituals . It kind of makes the modern disposable Terumo feel cheap and ceremonial.

Probably every junky who has picked up a needle has fantasized about using, or at least owning, an authentic turn of the century glass heroin syringe. I admit, I certainly have. They might not meet modern hygiene standards, but the detail and craftsmanship of these syringes is simply non-existent in today today disposable. Though their large gauge needles might make some modern junkies of less resolve might reconsider their RoA of choice. Would you brave an injection from one of these antique syringes?

The word junky conjures such graphic images these days, some of which seem to be diametrically opposed. On one hand, our society shuns the junky. Labels him (or her and the case may be) dysfunctional, socially inept, lazy, weak willed, a danger to society everything that's wrong with this world. Most people would shutter to think there is a junky living next store. At the very least they buy an beefed up security system to protect their precious belongs from us. At worst, they would call the police and have their junky neighbor arrested just as soon as they can conjure up a reason. One the other hand, society also glamorizes the junky. The lone wolf, living on the fringe of society, dabbling with the dark and forbidden. An artist. A poet. A musician. We make exceptions for the musician junky for some reason. We want a voyeuristic peek into his life - the taboo underworld where most people dare not venture. Just the word junky brings powerful imagery to mind. Whether you think of the dirty street dweller, passed out in near a dumpster with a tie still on his bloody arm and dirty needles scattered around, polluting the streets and making them unsafe for your children, or the dark and mysterious artist, quietly brooding as he lay next to a gorgeous blond in bed half naked, quietly searching for that vein, until a plume of blood fills the chamber and he's finally able to achieve the solace, the ultimate escape the he longs for, hopefulness lost in the clutches of addiction. Yet for all the negative or taboo connotations, the work junky is still thrown around as "hip". Heroin Chic is alive and kickin' in the fashion industry. People jump at the chance to labeled themselves a food junkie or a film junkie, or whatever the fuck they want to call themselves. But not a drug junky. "No, no, that's not what I meant. And CERTAINLY not a Heroin junky. God, what you think I am? A loser?"

Even more disturbing to me? I was on twitter and decided to look up #trackmarks. There were literally dozens of people showing off their blood giving needle pricks and saying things like "OMG. Just what I wanted. To look like a heroin addict. Great." First, you look nothing like a heroin addict. Track marks don't mean one needle prick. Second, if you don't want people to associate you with heroin and track marks, why are you posting pictures of your "track marks" for the world to see and talking about heroin?

People have many variations of what the word means and how they associate themselves with the word. I've heard undeniable opiate addicts swear they aren't junkies, because they don't slam. Total bullshit. If you are addicted to opiates - your a junky. If you're constant thinking about your next fix - Where it's going to come from? How will you pay for it? How your going to get it in you? Don't even bother to deny it. You're a junky. Heroin addicts do not have the monopoly on the word. If you're addicted to Vicodine, you're a junky. And in addition, you're a stupid junky. Stop taking all the Tylenol. Heroin addicts, especially the ones that mainline, are simply the most efficient junkies.

But let's look at the topic more subjectively, I decided to see what some of the more common or reputable dictionaries had to say on the matter. Here are a couple of the samplings:

Dictionary.com -
For the word Junky:
1. Of the nature of junk; trashy
2. Drug addict, junkie, addict, freak, nut

For the word Junkie: (slightly different)
A drug addict, especially one addicted to heroin.
A person with an insatiable craving for something: a chocolate junkie.
An enthusiastic follower; fan; devotee: a baseball junkie

Okay - that was a rather lenient definition. At least it's void of prejudice.
The Oxford English Dictionary.
* A person with a compulsive habit or obsessive dependency on something: power junkies, a drug addict.

Ah the good 'ol OED. Like, the English, it's diplomacy reigns supreme.
But sadly this definitive source of the English language will no sooner change any one's personal beliefs on what a junky is than it will start injecting heroin on its own.

Urban Dictionary. This is where you go when you want to find the real State of the Union, since it's written For the People, By the People.. What does the critical mass consider a junky?

*A heroin addict, one that is was and will always be. Before the crackheads and the crackwhores, Way before the dexheads and the E-tards wasting his life away, for pure bliss and contentment.
*Someone who dabbles with illicit drugs.

Ha! I like the way he's thinking! Sure, I "dabble" with illicit drugs, lol. How progressive, yet cavalier.I looked up one more reference for the word junky. I searched for it under Google images. I found a variety of anorexic looking models, gaunt faced skeletons, "hip" street people passed out (OD? Maybe?) with ridiculous looking needles falling out of their limp hands (all staged of coursed) along with the term "heroin chic". Oh, and I think I even saw Lindsay Lohan posing with a needle. No comment.



Now I don't know about you... But in all my 35 years I've never seen a junky look anything remotely like those photographs. It's like a caricature of a junky. Where did this concept come from? I'm not really sure. But the whole notion of anti-glamorization makes me nauseous. As does the naive and close minded notion that if you choose to IV drugs you will:

A.) be worthless to society.
B.) Most likely will whore yourself eventually and
C.) Will definitely die from it, soon.

"Of all society's outcast, few are more reviled then those who inject narcotics, even among other drug users"

For this reason I was a closet junky for many years. I never had the same intolerance for opiates or opiate addicts as my friends. So i used in the closet for a long time. When I was finally exposed for what I really was... an IV injecting, heroin using, drugged up junky. It was then I discovered just how deep the stigma ran. The black plaque of drug users. I've lost my best friends, friends I thought I'd have for life, simply because I IV. No other reason. Some told me to my face, gave me a "choice" - their friendship or IV drugs. Some just stopped returning my phone calls. Some tried to help at first, but when I wasn't receptive, silently slipped away. Luckily, my family have all stuck by me, allowing me to make my own decisions, no matter if it hurts them. They really are quite progressive that way. They practice true Morman Christianity. I am extremely thankful to them for this.

IMHO, a junk habit is just that. It's not glamorous, it's not disgusting. It can have its draw backs. For me, it has some rewards. There are a lot of ex-junkies, people sober for weeks or for years, who say there are no real benefits, no true happiness comes from drugs of any sort. But I'm a drug user who has made the conscience decision to use drugs for the rest of my life, at least on some level (and reserve the right to change my mind). So at this point in time, I avoid the whole "complete sobriety is the only way to true happiness" argument. But I have experienced in my own life how unhappy drugs can make you as well.

No, we're not all stark raving mad lunatics who will rape your mother and eat your baby for our next fix. Stigma is hurtful people.
At times, my life was the typical junky stereotype. I've lied, I've been fired, I've stolen, I've broken the hearts of those who meant the most to me. I've done terrible things for drugs. There are no directions on a ball of dope or a bag of tweak that tell you how to fix your life if you become addicted. Your only hope is to catch yourself one day and realize that you aren't different. Maybe you have a degree, maybe you make a few bucks, but in the end, we all have to deal with the same problems and are accountable for our own actions. I choose to live a life "out side the law" because the government decided to make heroin illegal and can throw me in jail at any time. But that doesn't mean that I've chosen to be a criminal in any other respect other than the buying and using of heroin and other drugs. Being a junky does not have to equate to a life of crime. Although for some it does, please, don't judge us all that way. Our lives are hard enough. Inaccurate stigmas just makes it harder.

So, if you are a junky you have two choices. 1.) you can become the junky that society says you are and sink down to their level. 2.) you can be a safe, practice harm reduction and be respectful of other's beliefs, even if they conflict with yours. You might not change anyone's mind, but maybe you will. It can't hurt to try, right?

If you aren't a junky, you have two choices too. You can 1.) keep perpetuating the negative stereotypes and hurtful stigmas. Or, 2.) be a little more open minded and consider that not all junkies are the same. Realize that IV drug use is just that, another way to use drugs and it shouldn't be used as an excuse to ostracize someone. And maybe the next time you see someone's track marks, rather than sneer and label them a pathetic junky, you could find out what that person is really like. I promise, we don't have cutties, and you can't catch "junky".

As always....

☮ ♥ & ♪♫♬

There is a very big misconception among heroin users that white powder heroin is purer that black tar heroin. This false information is so fervently believed that most people, especially on the east coast, take it for granted. But the truth is, the color of the heroin has absolutely nothing to with the quality. Many people say that black tar is dark because of the adulterants added when manufactured. Although the manufacturing process is responsible for the color, it has nothing to do with purity. Even if that was the case, it would make more sense logically that black tar would be more pure, because it's almost identical to pure opium.

The truth is, all heroin that is common in The States - white powder, black tar, brown powder, all of it - varies in purity and none is inherently more pure than the others. The color is dependent on the process used to manufacture the heroin. Most white powder comes from Turkey poppy fields and is often manufactured in France. Black Tar is typically from Mexico, although Columbia is quickly becoming a sizable producer. The Golden Triangle, which is an area of Indochina that overlaps three Southeast Asia countries, Myanmar, Laos and Thailand, and is known for its heavy heroin production, can produce white powder, black tar, brown powder and even red heroin.

Black tar is typically seen on the West Coast and is sold in balloons or in grams. White powder is predominantly on the east coast and often comes in stamp bags. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. Black tar is much more difficult to cut. However, due to the fact that it’s cooked with vinegar and other harsh ingredients, it's much more damaging to your veins. However, it burns at a much lower temperature, making it easy to smoke. Smoking, when done efficiently, produces a similar rush as IV'ing, that can’t be experienced with any other RoA. White heroin is very inefficient to smoke do to its high burn temperature. When a

white powder user does not wish to IV, insufflation is usually the RoA of choice. The black tar and white powder heroin available today, and all the variants in-between, are at an all-time high in terms of potency. I have a home testing kit and it’s rare that I buy anything that’s below 70%. Of course, that’s through a dealer and not on the streets. Heroin you buy on the streets is much more likely to be heavily cut. All that being said – black tar heroin is much more consistent in it's quality. White powder is much more variable. On top of that, is it frequently cut with strychnine, which imitates the bitter taste of heroin. While black tar can be more damaging to your veins, at least it doesn't pose the same life or death threat as heroin cut with strychnine.

But let’s take a step back. An informed drug user is a safe drug user. What is the difference between white powder and black tar? One of the reasons that white powder is rumored to be more potent is because when it is first produced, it is very, very pure. But between Turkey, France, the UK, the US and then every wholesaler and independent dealer down the inventory gets cut every step of the way. As opposed to black tar, which only has to travel from Mexico or South America to California. It’s a much simpler process that help ensure it’s relatively untouched from manufacturer to consumer.

Strictly speaking, black tar is not entirely heroin. It’s a mixture of heroin, morphine, 6-AM, and other lesser ingredients. The proportion of these precursors in any given batch is variable. Thus, the potency and quality can fluctuate by batch. Because of the high Morphine levels in black tar heroin, IV users sometimes experiences a histamine reaction after an injection.

White powder on the other hand is typically manufactured as heroin that is about 90% pure. But it rarely makes it past the first level of distribution before it is drastically cut. As it continues to make its way to the streets, it’s cut at every level. In the 1970’s this was a big problem. In the heroin capital of the world, Harlem, New York, it was only at best 30% pure. In the suburbs, it was only 5-10% pure. Today, we are graced with the highest purity heroin that the United States has ever seen. 60-80% heroin is very common – no matter what the type.

I’ve lived on the east coast (born and raised a Jersey Girl) and I’ve spent a significant percentage of my adult life in California. I’ve had plenty of access to both white powder and black tar. Although I’ve had some stellar white powder, I can’t say that I would prefer it over black tar. Again, it’s much more variable in its purity. At least I know I’m getting a fairly steady product with my current black tar connections. As I mentioned, I do have a heroin purity test as well. Although I can typically tell from a single shot whether the heroin has been significantly cut, it’s always nice to test the results with a kit.

Bottom line, just because your heroin is white doesn’t mean it’s pure. I guess this naive thinking has something to do with notion that white equals pure. I’m not sure. But it’s simply not the case. If you want to find out for certain whether your heroin is pure or not, Amazon offers heroin purity kits, as do many other online retailers. Spend $20 and test for yourself. But please, don’t fall for these irrational, baseless wives tales about white heroin being “purer” that black tar. It’s just another junky myth.

As much as I like to think that drugs are the answer to all of life's problems, if I'm being realistic about it, there are definitely a lot of things that suck about the drug culture. As I'm sitting here pinning over the fact that I'm not using meth, ("Oh poor me, I can only slam heroin all day long and get stoned." Life sucks. Yeah, I know how lame that sounds.) I figured I'd focus my energy elsewhere. So, ready or not... the second incarnation of Things I Hate About the Drug Culture!

1. People who don't think that they're junkies just because they don't mainline, or even use heroin. If you are addicted to opiates, you are a junky. Pure and simple. You don't need to IV to be a junky. You don't even have to use heroin to be a junky. If you are addicted to Oxycotin, Methadone, Morphine, Vicodine or Codeine, you're a junky. But if you are addicted to Vicodine or Codeine, you should probably switch to something that doesn't have Tylenol or do a cold water extraction. Otherwise, you will fuck up your kidney's permanently.

2. People who go on Methadone maintenance but continue to use heroin, yet still tell you that they're quitting. No you're not. Methadone intensifies the heroin high. If you are using both you aren't following the program. You are just getting more bang for your buck. So if you do find you are using less to start, it's just because you need less. But that tolerance will go up as well, and then you'll be addicted to two different opiates and a Methadone detox takes much longer. You are just hurting yourself, and you're not fooling anyone.

3. Actually... Methadone in general is a pet peeve of mine. Especially when people try to push Methadone on you when it's easy enough to go to a Suboxone doctor to get a script. Suboxone has so many advantages over Methadone. Suboxone removes the ability to get high, or at least makes it much more difficult. (I've certainly circumnavigated the effects of Suboxone with enough heroin, but that option is not financially feasible long term.) You can't OD on Subxone. It's much easier to ween yourself off of and doesn't require medical supervision. If you are serious about quitting, Suboxone is by far the best option.

4. Doctors who AREN'T sympathetic to the unique needs of IV drug users. You took the Hippocratic Oath. You made a promise to treat ALL patients and to act in their best interest. It's like some doctors just don't consider junkies people. I went to the ER for something totally unrelated to my drug use. Once the doctor saw my track marks, he told me I had a stroke due to my drug use (by the way.... I was trying to quit at the time, so I hadn't used in a couple of weeks). He wouldn't touch me - it was like I was a leper or something. He barely spoke to me - just about me loudly to the other medical staff. He wouldn't even consider that it could be anything else. He almost demanded that I stay in the hospital to be monitored - even after the CAT scan results came back negative. I've rarely met anyone so thickheaded, stubborn and self righteous. By the way, after a second opinion, it turned out I just had some nerve damage in my shoulder. I have never felt so subjugated and menial. A doctor should never make you feel that way - no matter what life choices you make.

5. Cigarettes are still a drug, so I'm including this one.... People who want to ban the use or sale of e-cigarettes. This is so infuriating it makes my blood boil. E-cigs have helped countless people quit smoking. New York wanted to ban them because people might view smoking as social acceptable. Since when does the government have any right to dictate what is social acceptable? In Los Angeles, they are banned anywhere smoke is. So I'm not allowed to walk my dog in the large outdoor park next to my apartment (Pershing Square, DTLA). That's completely insane. No one is allergic to them. No one can smell them. They aren't bad for your breathing. They cause zero pollution. It's WATER VAPOR people! I should be able to smoke an e-cig in a airplane if I want. (I'm not. I tried the last time I flew. You can do it in the bathroom though. No one will ever know because they don't actually smoke!) People have called them started cigarettes. Total Bullshit. No kid is going to think that e-cigs are "cooler" to start than regular cigarettes. But even if that was the case, the government cracked down on flavored tobacco because it was more appealing to kids. So if you must, do the same thing with e-cigs. Ban all the disgusting fruity flavors. But don't try to make them out to be worse than regular cigarettes! Alright, nuf said about that. But... if "they" win and e-cigs are banned, I'm suing someone.

6. People who can't handle their acid. Unfortunately, I find this happens much more with women than with men. I took some acid on a plane ride once with my boyfriend. When we were partying later that night - with one of these girls - she gave us an unusually hard time about taking the acid on the plane. She kept rambling on and on about how terrible it would be, blah, blah, blah. I felt like I had to defend my actions. It brought the whole trip down. Why shouldn't I do that? Just because you flip out and become crazy on LSD? Let me trip how and where I want. That same girl, along with another one of her friends, also tried to suck me into this conversation about how you just "need a good cry" on LSD. What? No I don't. Why would I want to do that? Leave me alone, don't pull me into your bad trip. I love LSD. All the time. In any situation.

7. People who only do psychedelics for the "spiritual experience". I had been trying to get my best friend to take mushrooms with me forever. Turns out her psycho boyfriend kept feeding her all these lines about how they should only be used to experience a higher plain of existence. Finally I talked her into to taking some at a show with me. She loved it and it wasn't a spiritual experience at all. Sure, I like to use psychedelics in that manner too sometimes. But more often than not, I use them for fun. It does't need to be this whole big religious ceremony to "properly" experience them. They are recreational drugs, after all. This is something you see A LOT of in the DMT community. Many people on DMT Nexus will be happy to preach to you about the only "right" way too use DMT. It's all horse manure. Use psychedelics any way you want. Personally, I think a balance between recreation and spiritual mind expansion gives you the best of both worlds.

8. People on the streets who pressure you to buy from their guy. They will either try to 1.) collect a fee. Or, 2.) ask for a cut of your stash. Leave me alone. Stop following me. I'm not giving you anything. Chances are, if I'm out scoring on the streets, I don't have a dollar more than what I'm trying to spend on drugs. Yes, I know I stick out like a sore thumb trolling the streets of Skid Row. It's like the lyrics from that Lou Reed song "I'm Waiting For My Man" - "Everybody's pinned you and nobody cares". Everyone knows what I'm doing down there. The same thing that everyone else is doing. But just because I'm white and female, people think they can make a dollar off of me, or get a free fix. Junk is not cheap on the streets. One balloon will barely get you well. There is no way I'm going to split my balloon with you. Scram. Leave me alone. I'll find it myself.

9. Old addicts who want to impart their wisdom on you. I have come across this countless times. Last week at the needle exchange some old guy was yapping about how I shouldn't use 29 gauge needles. I told him I have small veins, so a small needle does less damage in the long run. He went on and on about how if I would just go for a run everyday I wouldn't have that problem. Or that I should shower before I use, yadda, yadda, yadda. First, going for a run is not going to magically make my veins bigger. My problem isn't circulation.... actually I don't have a problem. I just have veins that are different than yours, so I do things a little differently. I don't need your old junky wisdom. Once, a lady actually tried to pull a needle out of my hand while I was attempting a shot, because she knew that she could hit it better. That's absolutely not cool. Besides the glaring fact that I know nothing about your hygiene or what diseases you might have... I know my veins inside and out, what works and what doesn't. If you think you see something that will work better, chances are I've tried it and it doesn't. I'm not some doe eyed innocent who happened to find herself on the floor of a bathroom in a homeless shelter on skid row with a needle sticking out of her arm. I promise, you won't find a vein any easier that I will.

10. People who use NA as a substitute for their addiction. You see them in every meeting. They are usually the first ones to talk, the loudest ones in the room, and the ones who refuse the believe that anything but this program can work for anyone. Sure one addiction might be better for your health and have a lower risk of death then the other one. But don't fool yourself into thinking you are more evolved than the addicts who still struggle with drugs. NA is not the solution for everyone. If you are just substituting one life-consuming addiction for another, are you really in recovery? Shouldn't the goal be to life that's not centered around drugs?

Again, a disclaimer: I have found NA to be very helpful and I don't belittle all the wonderful things that it was done for people in recovery.

With all of this talk about Narcon being made available, I wanted to shed light on another wonderful service that the Needle Exchange in DTLA offers. Homeless Heathcare Los Angeles - Center for Harm Reduction - or as must junkies in the area know it The Needle Exchange, offers a variety of potentially life saving programs and classes. One of the is a Overdose prevention class, usually offered Wednesday mornings. If you sit through the 1 hours class on how to prevent over doses and what to do when they happen to limit the chances of the police showing up, then they give each attendee two free prescriptions of Narcon. Can any junkie afford not to utilize this service? And they have been doing this for years. Obviously this only helps a very small percentage of IV drug users out there since in only in Los Angeles. But most people don't know that this service exists here. I would suggestion finding out where your closest needle exchange is and find out what services they offer. HHLA also offers IV drug users free acupuncture, one-on-one therapy sessions, Methadone and Suboxone programs, Free HIV and Hep C testing, doctor services for abscesses and other IV drug related problems, support classes, jewelry making, yoga, art classes and so so so much more, even housing services. Pick up a monthly calendar when you go in to stay up to date on their monthly activities. Take advantage of these services, they are only available to IV drug users. You don't have to feel embarrassed, no on is going to try to change you. They are just there to support an under represented class of society. And the free Narcon could definitely save your life.

☮ ❤ & ♪♬

D_D

So with all of my struggle with drugs, I forgot to mention a huge accomplishment! I have official quit cigarettes! I had made the decision that when I turned 35, if I still wasn't having significant improve with quitting then I would consider Chantix. Enough is enough. Cigarettes don't theoretically kill people. They are responsible for a significant percentage of deaths each year. It's just a matter of time. And at 35, my risk was significantly higher. I've been smoking (on and off) since I was 17, I've been of the birth control pill since I was 17 and I've been a IV drug user this whole time as well. I was a walking statistic for a blood clot. I had bought a couple of of those rechargeable e-cigs to try to use as a substitute, Blue e-cig was one of them. But they did help much. The nicotine in one filter was 15 grams. A a filter lasted 2 or 3 charges. Compared to a cigarette with 12 grams, that wasn't much at all. I was tried the patch and Nicorette. But I figured out that if I used the patch and smoked the e-cig, while chewing nicotine gum, I still wouldn't get as much nicotine as I would from smoking one cigarette. Although it did help me cut down from a pack a day, to about a half pack. Unless I was stressed, then I was significantly more. But then I decided to go the vaporizer route. I bought one for my boyfriend for Christmas, and got a really nice on a two-for-one deal. It came a few days before Christmas and I figured I'd break it open try mine. I got the 24 mg liquid for it. The first day I was able to cut down from 10-15 cigs a day, to 3. Overnight. I couldn't believe the difference it made. I was so mad that I hadn't tried these ones first. Now, I've officially quit. Some people might poo-poo this as just another crutch. But for me, the goal was never stop being addicted to nicotine, it was to stop smoking cigarettes. If I smoke the e-cig for my rest of my life, that's fine with me. It's not going to kill me. Even still, I've already been able to cut down from 24 mg liquid to 18 mg liquid.

I know, I know, I've already gotten shit about this from other people. "Great that you quit cigarettes, but is that really what you should have been worried about? How about that whole addicted to heroin thing?" But it's better that I limit my health risks in anyway that I can. I can justify it a thousand ways till Tuesday, but it doesn't matter. These are my life chooses right now. Maybe I get to the place where I want to quit heroin, maybe I won't. Either way, it's still much better for my health and I feel great. My cough is basically gone, it's amazing how long that stuck around though. I'm not out of breath. I'm so happy. I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to quit. It just makes me so upset that people are trying to ban them. They are such a benefit for people trying to quit. The stupid people who are trying to say they are "starter cigarettes" instead of "quitter cigarettes" are completely backwards. They shouldn't be sold to kids the same way cigarettes shouldn't so sold to kids. But for those of us who have tried to quit for over a decade and then suddenly are able to quit overnight with the right e-cig, they've been a Godsend!

I want to buy the guy who invented them a beer.

Peace, Love & Rock 'n Roll!

D_D

I just read The Heroin User's Handbook, and he points out something that I know to be true because I've seen it so many times in my life. Even when syringes are readily available and free for the taking, many IV drug users still reuse old needles - even when they've been made aware of the free service! Worse yet, many people still choose to share needles! Even in this day and age, when AIDS and Hep C still run rampant in drug using societies, people intentionally share needles when free ones are readily available and within walking distance. I met a girl in the skid row area a while back and she asked if she could have my old needle. I told her their was a needle exchange not even four blocks away. She had no idea it was even there! And then when she did know, she still had no interest in using it. Opting instead to buy a rig from a dealer for $1. Where do you think he got all those needles? The FREE needle exchange down the street! Needle Exchanges offer such a valuable service to IV drug users. I just wish that everybody would take advantage of what they have to offer. Not only does it prevent life-threatening diseases, but it helps to keep your veins in top shooting shape. Even if you don't share needles but just reuse your old needles, it's still very damaging and dangerous. Besides tearing your veins up, bacteria can form, causing abscesses and being responsible for its own variety of diseases. We currently have about 800 needles in the house. Yeah, obviously I worked up to that. But you know? The needle exchange offers anyone 10 rigs plus all the equipment you need to prep your shot - even if you don't bring anything in to exchange. So if you don't want to spend the $3.19 at Wallgreens for a 10-pack, go pick up 10 free needles. Then bring them into exchange when you are done with them, preferably on a Wednesday when they offer a 2-for-1 deal, and pick up 20 new ones. Keep doing that and soon enough you'll have a sizable stash of your own that will last you for a couple weeks or more and you never have to use the same needle twice! The book also contains a large section on how to prep a shot. The emphasis was on cleanliness and hygiene. It surprised me a little, especially when he talked so much about keeping your needle clean, that he didn't mention using a suck-up needle. I always suck up the liquid in one needle and then transfer the contents by back-filling a fresh needle. That way there are zero sanitation concerns, but more importantly, it doesn't damage the tip of the needle at all. I've posted this picture before, but I just want to refresh everyone's memory, because it is so important to use a fresh needles every single time.



This is a comparison of the tip of a syringe before it's first use and the subsequent uses after that, up to six times. Used Syringe Does that look like something that you want to put in your veins?? Hell no! Even if I'm having trouble finding a good vein, if I've made too many attempts I switch needles. It will help keep your veins usable for longer. And I think that's important to every IV drug user (unless you just slam occasionally. In which case... good for you! I envy your ability to use in moderation!) So that's all. I'm done my little soap-box rant. But I do care about the health of my IV drug using peers. And I want the community to be as safe as possible. Firstly, for your own personal heath. Secondly, to reduce the number of IV drug related health problems. So that society will have one less reason to stereotype us all as lazy, irresponsible, good for nothing junkies who pose a heath threat and a danger to society. Harm reduction is important. I hope everybody who decides to "play" with the IV ROA takes this seriously. At best, it will safe your life. At worst, it will save you a couple of abscesses.

☮ ❤ & ♪♬

D_D

It depresses me that whenever heroin is in the media, or blogged about it's always such a downer. Let's face it, there are definitely come comical things about drug culture and heroin use. So, in order to bring more levity to the topic... I've put together a list of the top ten heroin jokes! I know, lots of people will say this is in bad taste, but those people probably shouldn't be reading my blog anyway, unless they are just looking to fuel their fire.

So, without further ado..

Top Ten Heroin One-Liners!

1. Junkies can find a needle in a haystack


2. You know your 11 year old nephew has a competitive streak when you give him heroin and he doesn't flinch when the needle goes in.

3. I think the surest way to get over a fear of needles is to try heroin.

4. Just watched "True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin" and now I'm high on heroin.Just kidding,I didn't watch"True Life: I'm Addicted To Heroin".

5. Always get back on the horse unless the horse is slang for heroin.

6. the Cow was bummed because he had just scored some heroin.

7. Someone told me shooting heroin up your rectum is addictive. I think putting anything up your rectum is addictive.

8. I am so relaxed since i quit drinking. I think the heroin may be helping.

9. My friend has Parkinson's disease and is addicted to heroin. He can't seem to shake the habit.

10. Why is heroin better than a man (or woman): Heroin doesn't care about your looks, as long as you have good veins.

Know any more good heroin jokes? Feel free to post them in the comments section

Meth Joke Bonus Content!

Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweeker?

A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweeker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.

Add if you just can't get enough heroin humor, check out my YouTube playlist of the best skits and comedy acts about heroin!

[video]https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLgJSZeUMI2M_Y4W0JT8M6MQgFab_-ZB3X[/video]

I'm leaving for rehab today. So I'm not dead if I don't get on for awhile. But I'll be back when I'm out. Thanks for the support everyone has shown it means alot

Guess I havent really kept up with this anymore.. Got 2 years Feb 11th. Shouldn't be responding about my recovery right about now since I am a little blue. But it is still coming along.. Some days better than others. Still fighting!

That evil voice inside my head,
the one that wants that rush,
the one that wants me dead.
That little demon, screamin',
feedin' on my dreams,
and makin' me fiend,

it was all my doing.

I wanted to try to fly,
but ended up living a lie.
Now it's pried into my brain,
telling me to numb the pain,
with another taste,
of what it feels like to fade,
to take me away,
to dissolve,
into a blissful state of nothingness,
and make this goblin shut up for a day.

But that's what it wants,
it cannot be slain or thrown away.
I can only truly wait,
and with traces of patience,
detain this devilish face,
put that bitch in it's place,
a soundproof cage,
from which it won't escape,
or invade my cycle of thoughts.

It's gotta stop!

It's gonna stop,

whether this parasite likes it or not.
I'm done with this internal fight.
I've got this bastard pinned in a corner,

I'm the owner of this psyche,

I win,

Goodnight!~


~Missy.P

melanistic jaguars.

i was killing a lot of them. one after another, everywhere i saw them/that they turned up.

the feeling mirrored in ways my recent killing of little black ants that have been in my apartment, feeding on hemp seed oil that i spilled on the carpet. i have been at times killing them manually, with my fingers. i've vacuumed them. i've sprayed them with apple cider vinegar. but i find individual ones and i crush them with my fingers.

i need to find a way to clean the oil out of the carpet.

i don't know if killing them is right, the way i have (it's not). they aren't even really harmful. i guess if ants bother me. and it's not even that they do. i can change my mind about it, and live with it, until i get something to remove the oil well enough. but i have already put in process something that should kill all of them. i put down powdered sugar mixed with baking soda. from what i read, the ants can't differentiate when they're together, and will take back both to their nest, and the baking soda reacts with something in their guts, and kills them.

in the future, i may make a different decision.

in the past, i just let them be. i like watching them. and i don't feel just smashing them because they're "invading", especially since they just eat stuff i'm not eating, is justified.

but, i dreamt of these black panthers, after i had been at war with these ants for a day. and in the dream, i remember being a corn field, at some time. i used it as a shortcut to deliver something- a message or a package, to a guy on the other side. and i remember a bright light shining on the field, from somewhere, and a lot of it was flattened- the stalks flat on the ground. this is when i had a conversation with the guy. the guy- i associate with one i met on okcupid, from cincinnati, who gave me insight/provided a mirror for my thoughts, about peace and war, and life, and death. the last message i sent to him was when i delivered a heart to the cincinnati airport, and he said "a human heart? i wonder what it tastes like...", and i haven't responded... not because i'm put off by him saying that, but i just haven't.

there were others around. people, i seemed to be protecting, or they were fighting with me, or maybe they had nothing to do with it, but i remember killing panthers wherever i could find them.

i have nothing against panthers. in fact i'm fascinated by them, and other animals.

i have nothing against ants. i like watching them. they interest me.

in another dream, a few days ago, i was delivering medicine to a place, and then at some point i traveled faster than the speed of light, in something, and came right back. i traveled in a triangular pattern, to one point, to another, and back. i wrote about it in a dream journal thread in philosophy and spirituality, but the thread has gone missing. and then i was in a corn field, after traveling. that was my memory. i wanted to grab an ear of corn, and eat it. then the next night, or so, maybe two nights later, i was at marsh, and noticed they had some fresh florida sweet corn. this, when i was thinking i would have to wait until indiana had theirs in the fall. i didn't pick any up. maybe i will, if they still have some.

anyways, apparently, the power of the panther spirit animal is the moon. this is an association i found. and in that waking cycle, after this dream, there was a full moon, and a lunar eclipse- a "blood moon". the first of a tetrad.

Take the following as a warning. I previous to this experience considered myself in control of every drug I ever take. I went from sober to plotting against my friend of 12 years and scraping dust off the floor in less than 12 hours and I don't even do this stuff often!

So we get to Alexanders house, sure enough its empty. Our lift drives off and we are alone in the middle of the country side with weed some drink and a modest and innocent little bag of Kat.

As soon as we get there we start sorting out the money problems, Alexander is pretty annoyed I owe him so much and now Ethan did as well. Eventually Ethan gave him the gram of Kat, and paid for half of it again so Alexander had to give half to me. We split it into two sections and start railing the shit I guess. They smoke a joint before we start but I live up to my promise to Ethan earlier that I am not smoking any weed today. Me and Alexander start on the Kat and soon it starts to kick in.

At first I am uncertain, but also Indifferent. I stand on top of a metal step the builders had left and start wondering if the Kat is working or not. Alexander feels a little buzz too.

Within minutes I'm ready to clean. Not sure what but I have to clean. My thinking is fairly clear, but also skittery and I am missing out a lot of small details. I'm talking a lot and I start piling plates in the dish washer. I don't want to scare Ethan who has started watching the hobbit or something on Alexander's laptop but he seems to high to care. He is smoking his weed fast. The more I clean the more mess I make, but a little less every time so eventually I manage to clean the entire kitchen/living room area. Fairly calm, just stimulated I attempt to watch the movie to no avail. I start watching the room and inanimate objects more than the screen and stop trying. I go back to the kitchen and start placing everything parallel to the counters.

Soon enough me and Alexander are using books as a ruler to make sure that the lamp is hanging down directly onto the middle of the table, moving the table back and forth trying to get it perfect. We start making stupid rules about how all doors have to stay permanently shut and when opening them we have to do so as quickly as possible so the doors are closed for the longest amount of times possible.

I have been taking a couple more lines but now I stop and start watching the movie. It feels like the movie had been on for so long, but not in a psychedelic sort of way. The film was in fact 2 and a half hours long which explained my irritance at the length of it. Eventually I sat down and started watching the film and start to make sense of what I was watching after 20 minutes or so. Me and Ethan start talking but he is too high to care about what I am saying to any real degree. As the Kat starts to wear off a little I get a little emotional. I start thinking classic isolated comedown thoughts and how I wasn't really close to anyone. But that soon wore off. I had some sort of epiphany (Which I link directly to the M-Kat.) about a lot of things.

I was the only one in my family not in therapy, My Mother, Father and Sister were all either on medication or seeing someone. The break up of my parents had been nasty and had been lingering on for over a year now. But That wasn't important at this point. As a result of this pretty hard break-up, I had moved on to better things.

Ethan's family had become like a second one to mine. I thought about how much time I spent in Ethans house. How friendly I was to his Parents and vice versa. Even the majority of the people I meet and know are as a direct result of Ethan and his Brother. I felt eternally happy and grateful for them, and managed to understand the odd attraction of Ethans house.

Even as I wrote this my Mother and Sister are both screaming and shouting at each other. My sister is mentally ruined, and turns all her anger inwards on her self and does a lot of damage, My Mother looks like she is on hard drugs and talks to her self and decides her emotions with her own words. She will start talking and by the end of her rant she has been through a cycle of screaming and burning anger to crying and self pity and then back to pure anger.

I dont have the capabilities or the desire to help either of them, and frankly its not my job. I am just avoiding the situation. I wanted to phone Ethans parents now and just explain to them how grateful I was and how healing they have been. If it wasn't for Ethan and his family I would likely be just as messy as the rest of my family.

Feeling pretty good about myself, I don't feel any urge to re-dose and feel satisfied with what I had done, no honestly! At that point I thought I was saving the Kat for another occasion.

So feeling content and even enlightened, I just chilled and did no other drugs for the rest of the night, Yeah Right I did!

After attempting to explain these feelings to Ethan who was really damn high at this point Alexander came in and started talking about how he thought his heart had stopped beating. Problem was he was being serious. He Started jumping around literally trying to jump-start his own heart and it was actaully pretty funny. I wandered over and attempted to assure him his heart was beating fine, just really fast as he had taken more Kat than me and smoked a tonne of weed. He wasn't having any of it and honestly believed his heart had stopped, but all I could do was explain to him he was in no danger. Through-out the rest of the day (and the next one) he would check his heart every few minutes just to make sure... Idiot...

So after that he didn't want to do any more Kat that night, which would of been a good thing, but me and Ethan had other plans. He went to bed and me and him decided that the night was far from over. So just to inhibit responsible behaviour and keep ourselves in the right frame of mind for railing some more Kat, we got drunk.

What started off as Beer pong quickly became Beer and Kat pong, and soon enough we were out of Kat. I was pretty wired this time, no urge to clean, I just felt like a squirrel with a robotic brain that just hot wired. Thats the best way to describe it. When you are drunk, a little tweaked and with a good friend in an empty house, the fiending gets really bad. Alexander still had his kat left, only like 0.3 but we wanted it, and we wanted it soon.

It was at this point that my wired fried wits were put up against a 12 year friendship with someone who hoards money like a magpie and wasnt really up for giving me his Kat. After moaning didn't work, me and Ethan were getting desperate and Alexander more and more agitated. Me and Ethan then spent a whole six hours straight attempting to get that Kat. Yeah that is desperate. This is a grand example of the level I will go to on my first time on the stuff in months just to get a few lines.

Eventually, through planning and planning I started telling him that I wanted to bin the Kat. That I wasn't leaving him alone with the stuff and if we had not flushed it by the time we got picked up in the morning I was going to tell my Mother that he had it and to take it off him. After 2 more persistent hours, me and Ethan finally cracked him, and managed to buy the Kat off him for a tenner down from his original offer of 20. This was at 4 in the morning.

By this point I was too tired and wasn't fiending so hard any more and decided to call it a day. We woke up first thing in the morning, and of course the first thing we did was rail the last of the Kat. I then started scraping crystals off every counter that had been in contact with Kat and started snorting anything I could find while Ethan who is more or less hooked on the herb did the same thing with his grinder.

No matter how strong you think you are, you will always find a way to make a perfectly "logical" exception at the time to get more of this stuff. Thank god I wasn't in town or I would have been off to get some more just like that.

A few weekends ago I wrote a report of my weekend, but it was so scrappy and lacking It wasn't worth the effort. We got a big ass bag of some weed with a hang over that bled into the next few days and the most hazy and intense high. I smoked to the point of insanity and although it was pretty good, for the rest of the day after smoking it, a good 6-8 hours after being high I remember nothing and I was just in a sort of confused haze.

I am currently on day 3 of my 4 day sesh before I try to get my head down for some solid revision. Day one Me, Ethan, Carl and Forbes "slept" in Forbes tiny Summer house. The reason I had to more or less sleep in a shed was due to the fact these people would rather sit in a shed high all night than be warm and comfy in their own beds. This was my first sign that weed maybe isn't a positive thing right now.

Next I started thinking about how Ethan and Forbes argued for about 5 minutes about who was going to shut the curtains and butter the toast. These two actions would of taken less than 30 seconds together, but they argued and argued as they were to lazy to stand up.

This was the second sign. Not only do these people go to stupid lengths for weed, but it sweeps away the little enthusiasm for life they already had.

After that me and Ethan went out drinking with the familiars for his birthday after finally sharing a joint with his parents. Me, Ethan, Peter, Annelise and Ji-had drove to Joes house where Chris, Joe, Chloe, Alissa and some boy called Jonathan were just smoking away a 5 gram bag. I drank around half a litre of vodka so I was pretty drunk and Peter was just drinking everything so he was just hammered but everyone else avoided drinking to much as when your high drinking isn't that appealing.

Unfortunately we got kicked out the house and we couldnt go to any parties due to some complications with Peter and some of the people there so we all exasperated. I was a little disappointed we didn't get a party but was too drunk to really care.

Next me and Ethan woke up a little disgruntled and not sure what we wanted to do with the day. The only thing we actually had to do was get a fiver more in the bank to order some AMT, but when we got there the bank was closed. We had some money but we got in a huge fight with Alexander over the money I owe him. Eventually after unsuccessfully hunting down some weed which I wasn't even in the mood for we phoned Carl to phone Blaire who had some Kat.

I've done it a few times before and generally the people who sell it are pretty dodgy unpredictable and in a shit tonne of debt so its pretty risky to buy, but eventually I convinced Ethan we should go for it but he was sure he wouldn't do any (hahahaha).

When we went to the bank we saw for some reason, yes again for the second time Ethan had for some reason been paid his EMA in the holiday. So £120 up and in a MUCH better mood we headed to Hilton to pick up some weed off Raymond and the Kat off blaire.

I have spent a lot of time sitting on that bench. High, tweaked, drunk and sober 60% of the time no matter what my plans are I end up sitting on that bench. But this time everything happened oddly quick. We actually got the kat straight up instead of having to make a blind leap of faith and hand him the money and expect him to go fetch it entirely out of his own good will. It happened when I was switching a twenty for two tenners in the shop so I didnt even see Blaire. Ray came and cycled off with Ethans money and came back right on time with a pretty shy looking 2 gram bag, but we had Kat so what ever.

So with some drink from the night before, "2 grams" and a gram of Kat we headed to Alex's empty house, and oh boy did we have a fun night!

Ill continue this in a new post.

So I had been doing a pretty good job of recording the basics of events to the best of my memory, but due to my skittery and jitterish mind I leave out so much and try to write too much at once. This is no longer beneficial as it feels too limiting and it stops the flow of my life having to record it all. I am no longer going to try to write down everything I do and all my main thoughts and feelings as it simply isnt working.

I am trying to record all my thoughts which is simply impossible and horribly un-natural. Thoughts are important in the moment and dont belong on text. I will still try to write in the blog a little, but not to the same extent I have before.

This recovery business can sure feel like hard work at times. I've been in and out of the rooms for a number of years now, never fully conceding to the fact that i was a hopeless addict going nowhere in life. I thought that i could moderate, using sporadically but a couple of days a week soon turned into everyday. Once a drug is in my system i become a fiend. It's like that saying i hear so often 'one is never enough and a thousand is too many'.

Recently, i've been having using dreams and experiencing euphoric recall. Sometimes i miss those days when i could chemically manufacture my feelings and self-medicate my uncomfortable feelings.



It can be easy to forget how bad it got. I'm having to up my meetings and get on with my step work to remind myself. My recovery has to come first without it don't stand a chance and i will lose everything i've worked so hard at to get back.

I wish anyone else who is struggling all the best, together we can recover.

EDIT 21/01/2016 2:11 am: Lol, sorry if I sound like an antsy teenager, it was a particular stage of my life. I still think it's a good reflection, so I'll leave it here, but it would definitely be a bit different if I had written this today. Meh.

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I'm starting to ACTUALLY realize how fucked up this society is. I always knew there was something wrong, but now I''m starting to realize what it is.

Our lives are meaningless. Life is the greatest gift we were given, it's the manifestation of that energy and oneness (God?) that's inside and outside everything and permeates every atom of this universe, and how do we waste it? Waking up every damn morning to spend another day in this damn nonsense, stuffing our lives with material bullshit in hope that it will give us happiness.

People think that accumulating money and stuff will give them "freedom".
"One day I'll be rich and famous and will have a big house and will have whatever I want and yadda yadda yadda" and what happens when this actually becomes true? they realize their life sucks.
We spend our entire lives in the regrets of the past and with the fear of the future.
We are so caught up in this that we don't realize there is something else and that is here right NOW.

The human being can either live as a beast or as a God which is our true nature, ("Fatti non foste per viver come bruti" said my compatriot Dante Alighieri in the Divina Commedia) and our society forces us to live as the former.

We, as humanity, have to refuse this bullshit, realize that all this is an illusion and that we are eternal, while the material world is not.
We have to raise our consciousnesses and humanity will be One awareness, suffering will be erased from our existence.
we will be God as we are meant to be.

But I wonder if this is possible, I wonder if we are ready, because we have been thaught for centuries that this nonsense is the true reality, we have mental barriers that we are not willing to let down maybe because we don't even realze we have them.

Humanity needs to evolve, and when it will happen we won't be human anymore but we'll be Gods.

I leave you know with these lyrics (from Akeldama - The Faceless) that inspired this rant:

"To live in true freedom is to release all inhibitions
The fears of mortality must be forgotten ;
No longer living for death , no longer dying to live
Existence and non -existence coagulating
Safety found through ignorance ; shackling human individuality."

Goodbye my friends.

Going round and round and round and round in my mind. You ever wake up one day and feel hopeless for no reason? That feeling has been with me this week. People have been suggesting it's SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and I suggest that's a dumb suggestion because I literally just woke up one day feeling like I had lost all hope. Along with the inexplicable depression, I can't shake the flashbacks of regrets in my mind, of people I knew and loved and drifted away from. Small mysteries ingrained in my mind leak out into my consciousness at random. Why did she smile that time? Did he move because of me? How much impact did my existence have in their lives?

It was disturbing for me, when I first found out that a relationship between two of my friends hit the rocks hard because of something I said one day, lying in the grass staring up at the clouds after baseball practice. I didn't mean shit by it; just stupid little words falling out of my mouth. As much as I try not to dwell on the past, memories in living colour are what come to me whenever I feel like I've lost sight of the future.

I have lost sight of the future. I'm inching closer to 30 and have almost got my identity all figured out except what I do in life. People are defined by their careers, but I don't want that to be me. I don't want to ever again be a part of the rat race, the corporate world, where I sign away my freedom to express myself in exchange for a salary. I always remember the monologue from the movie Network, with those haunting words: "I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!"

I feel overwhelmed to live in a world, thirty seven years after that famous monologue was first heard, and look around to see that conditions are even worse than they were back then. Sure, our material standard of living has improved, but as someone who doesn't really give a fuck about the material world that shit doesn't mean a damn thing to me.

Spiritually, things have just gotten worse and worse. Even as the federal government announces they're getting close to balancing the budget, an astronomical feat in today's global economy, the average amount of non-mortgage household debt amongst Canadians is almost 30G. Year by year, that amount only seems to get higher and higher because people are taking on more debt before they've even paid their past debts in full.

Everyone I seem to meet these days has money on their minds. "Money will buy me freedom, money will buy my happiness". Even when people aren't using those words, it's obvious that's what people are thinking.

"If I win the lotto..." she said, with a sardonic laugh as she blew cigarette smoke out the window wistfully with her eyes unfocused. "I know," I said, "just make sure you give me a mill or two when you do so I can quit this shit job with you."

What happened to our sense of community? What happened to the idea that humans are the most precious commodity, and that we need to invest not money into material goods, but time and effort into fostering relationships with the people we surround ourselves with? You can invest all the money in the world in an idea, or an organization, or even just a cause, but it won't do a damned thing unless there are people there to use that money. So why do the recipients of invested money always use it in antisocial ways to line the pockets of shareholders at the cost of communities? We've grown cool with the fact that our souls live in ghost towns so our bodies can sleep under down covers in a half-a-million-dollar house somewhere in suburban oblivion.

I don't know. The only thing that seems important to me is not what I end up doing for a living in the next ten years, or the next twenty years, or for the rest of my life, but rather the communities I can be a part of and the people whose lives I can help build for the better. I've lived a pretty self-indulgent life so far, and I regret it. I regret all the money I've spent on drugs and material shit. I regret all the effort I put into a job to make me feel like I'm happy and productive and worth something, only to watch people I care about get laid off all around me and realize that, ultimately, I'm powerless and that we're all alone even though we struggle with the same realities. And I wonder; I wonder if we would still feel that profound quiet of loneliness if we replaced our endless desire to have more with a desire to be more.

I haven't been quite the same since I relapsed on meth a few weeks ago. We stopped after four days, but each day has been a struggle not to use again. Looking back on it, I know that my boyfriend and I felt terrible the last day, but I'm already forgetting why. After we used we said that the next time we did it we would try to go out of town and make a little vacation out of it. That way we wouldn't have any commitments to flake out on or responsibilities we needed to attend to. But I just simply don't want to wait that long and don't want to have to go out of town to use. I like using here and I like working on meth. I know that sounds silly, but when you start using meth, you really can work on it and still delivery quality material. But as the days slip by and sleep evades you, obviously your work starts deteriorating and you start flaking out. The trick is to not use often enough to let that happen. Easier said than done, right? I was hoping that when we picked up meth again that we would be able to do it once a month or so. But after the last time, my boyfriend made it quite clear that he doesn't want to use it that often and that we shouldn't do it here again. I agreed. At the time, I think I meant it. I know the risks. I know the dangers. I'm trying not to make it out to be better than it is. But my stupid addict brain keeps telling me that this time would be different. As long as it wasn't weekly, we would be okay.

I know how silly this must sound, especially if you've read any of my blog posts before. I know the devastating effects it can have on my life. I just keep thinking that if we were able to keep each other in check and not use on weekly basis that everything would be fine. But even if it was possible... would it be worth it? I'm already straddling two worlds by being a junky. And that can be challenging enough trying to keep that juicy tidbit of info hidden from so many people IRL. Would it even be possible with meth? But the craving is just so strong. My body screams out, "YES! Of course it's possible! You just don't let yourself get out of hand like the last two times. This time you could do it." But my brain say, "I don't know... that would be challenging. It would be difficult for either one of you to keep it regulated and in check." You notice... I can't even bring my brain to say "No! Definitely Not!" And that's the logical part of me that should be saying that. I just can't bring myself to so definitively cut myself off from it again. I haven't even wanted to talk about it with my shrink. I haven't scheduled an appointment in two weeks, because I don't want to be talked into thinking rationally about it. I want to use again and I want it to be soon. Period. But as some smart drug addicts and junkies once said...

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Well, I am trying. I'm hoping maybe if I put enough space between uses, that I'll remember why we agreed not to use at home and put so much time between uses. The first day that we used, we talked about putting two weeks between uses, at least. I was totally fine with that. In fact, I was excited about that. But somewhere within those three or four days, I guess his mind changed. And I guess that's a good thing. I just don't want it to have to be this big occasion when we go out of town and everything. I want it to be a weekend at home thing. I guess I made him feel guilty because I was really depressed a few days after thinking that this was going to be the only time for a while. And I gave him some shit about not talking to me about it first and just springing the surprise on me. But I would take every word of that back now if it meant we could try it again here. I was happy when he brought it home. Maybe what I was really saying is, I should be able to bring it home by surprise sometimes.

I don't know. It just sux. Addiction sux. I know I am no longer physically addicted to meth. But like they say, "Once an addict, always an addict". I keep telling myself that if I knew I was able to use more frequently than 4 times a year then I wouldn't be so depressed. If we could go back to that 2-4 weeks between uses, then I would be able to deal better with the off time. Man, I know this is a post that anyone who is not a drug addicts will just shake their heads at and think "What is wrong with that girl?" But this is my blog - about drugs - so this is how a drug addict thinks. Trust me. We can rationalize the moon being purple if it meant we could use more drugs. Ah, whatever. I'm going to try to stop thinking about it right now (and yes, that means slamming heroin.) *Sigh*

Baal was the richest
Beelzebub controlled the masses
The simplest of goats
Beelzebub always harasses
Enslaved in never ending sex
And surrounded by the same
Provided the backdrop
For their never ending game
Satanic in prose
And innocent in cheer
They committed murder
While drunk on the finest of beer
Blood instead of wine
Mixed with whiskey instead
They laughed rather befuddled
Over their conquests of the dead
Her name was Attica
She wanted all the same
Her purple velvet robe
Was covered in bloodstains
Eyes icy blue
And a figure to kill
With Bulemia Nervosa
Which made her constantly ill
She worshiped the devil
And always by her side
Was intravenous morphine
Which took her along for the ride

So, since the age of like 13-14, I've experienced major depression for almost my entire adult life. Doctors still haven't diagnosed me correctly yet, I was on many different SSRI's for like 4 years and it never helped, honestly, I really believe it just made my depression worse. I've had plenty of doctors suspect bipolar disorder but the major reason they couldn't diagnose it was because of my lack of major manic symptoms, I tend to have more depressive symptoms that last for weeks to months then one day, like magic, I'll wake up and just feel euphoria from life for about a week.
I've done my own research and I really believe I may be suffering from Bipolar II Disorder, the symptoms are, feeling more depression then hypomania, a higher chance of suicide/suicide attempts, short periods of hypomania followed my much longer periods of depression, also, I've read that Bipolar II Disorder can be more difficult to diagnose. This really sounds a lot like how I've felt for years and also explains the reason I've been treated for depression but, even though it's been suspected, no diagnosis of bipolar disorder has ever been made by a doctor.
What really got me looking into this was the final episode in season 4 of "Shameless" on Showtime (SPOILER ALERT). It depicted a 20 something year old kid who was hardly sleeping, acting like he was on stimulants and just always on the go, happy and energetic. In the final episode of the season, he just wouldn't wake up, things had been going great and then the next thing I knew he's super depressed and slept for like 24+ hours strait, not getting up for anyone or anything.
See, that first part is not me, I may get a slight rise in energy level for 5-7 days or so where I do little things like go on hikes, spent more time with friends, stay awake for up to 24 hours (not using any stimulants at all) because I'm having fun and I'd say just generally being a lot happier with my life and myself. What happens next is probably the most painful thing that happens in my life right now, I'll just shift from being a tad bit more energetic for a while then normal people are to one day not having the energy to even get out of bed, sometimes I'll stay asleep for up to 20+ hours. This can sometimes be triggered by something but often I don't know why it's happening.
Usually, this lasts for up to like a month, getting fairly less sever after usually the first 7-14 days but for about a week or 2, all I want to do is sleep and often, I'll wish I'd die in my sleep. When I am awake, usually I'm still in bed and I mainly just watch TV, shoot up bupe, drink, take benzos and smoke pot, trying to get back to sleep. I don't eat very much at all during these times either, generally about 1, normal sized meal per day, if even that sometimes. This is all when I start get suicidal, my self esteem will be way down, I'll absolutely hate myself and killing myself is just sitting in my mind all day long, reasons to do it, how to do it, etc. Thankfully, though I've tried in the past, I don't think I'll go through with killing myself, not intentionally anyways but it's hard to say, I feel like really going through with it but I have too many people counting on me, Basically my best friend just lost a relative to suicide and he told me after that he can't handle me kill myself, he knew I'd been up and down emotionally, especially at that time when I was trying to taper... my mom has lost 2 baby's before I was born and I'm now actually an adult, I can't kill myself and do that to her, I can't do it to anyone who really cares about me
Having so many people around me who care I think does really help, a lot but when I get into a major depression, sometimes I just feel like I'd be helping them in the long run by dying, I know right now that's untrue, thankfully I'm doing okay today but at the time and in the moment, I can really convince myself it's true. I just want to know what's going on and why my mood can be so different at times, I need to find a doctor that's better or something, my big problem though is that I HATE almost all medications besides opiates/opioids, benzos and then like heart medications and stuff that people really need to live, all the other medications I've tried have fucked with my head anywhere from mildly to severally depending upon the drug.
I really would like to see if there's some kind of treatment that doesn't just mean giving someone "zombie" like drugs all day I mean hey, if I'm all dazed on heroin, great lol but I don't want to feel like my brain is being twisted to where I could either be just mentally slow and dull with no euphoria or I could have a psychotic episode. Thankfully it's spring and it's been nice and sunny for a few days, that always helps my mood a bunch. I'm still feeling okay and plan on trying hard to give up IVing bupe soon, I plan on using up the majority of my micron filters, having someone hold the last 2-3 to be safe but I want them to be out of the house then I'm going to throw every syringe away except a few to plug with, no needle then I'm going to do my best to change my ROA around again to something a lot less risky. I'm staying happy about this though lately, my use has gone up because I'm scared to quit but I need to, my veins are getting to be harder and harder to find, a few have collapsed, I'm having to use more visible spots where the track marks are a lot easier to see.
I'm happy, I found a new vein around the top of my arm, closer to the underside of the arm then the crook is and it's good to see I'm not as close to being out of veins as I thought but thinking I was running out of veins was enough of a concern to make me still want to stop while I've only got a few collapsed veins instead of going until they all either collapse or get so much scar tissue on and around them, they're almost impossible to hit. If I can switch from shooting up bupe to using another ROA, this will be the best spring and summer of my life! Last summer, I was in withdrawal almost every day because I'd tried tapering my bupe dose down but I wasn't at a low enough dose to quit yet. I was buying it on the street and I was having trouble continuously getting enough of some form of bupe to stay well so I had to keep tapering, a lot faster then my body could tolerate too so I often had to take 1/2 the dose I physically needed to make sure I'd at least have something until I could find more. That summer was shit, I did feel great at times because I was happy with how hard I'd been trying and about the fact I'd been persistent about really trying to completely stop over the summer but all in all, I'd much rather just stay on bupe this summer, maybe lower my dose just because I'm on a fairly high one but also, I really want to stop shooting. I feel like if I accomplish this, I'll do a lot better emotionally because just changing my ROA around is such a big deal to me and it's been so hard to do, I've tried so many times over the years and always went back to the needle but I'm not giving up yet, I'm back to trying to better my life and take the small steps to finally be happy and even though I know I still have a lot to deal with like my self esteem issues, you really can't ever just give up no matter how hard it gets sometimes :D