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I anxiously rub my vein in the center of my arm as I'm about to fill this bitch up. I love reclroding my shots up close to see the needle split and hit my hot vein. My heart Is racing as I am about to stick the prick to make me tick. I hold my arm out as I sickly and perversely push the 25 gauge tip into my skin and then push in deeper and deeper until I penetrate my vein and blood pours into barrel. At this point, I just want to push that liquid all into my hungry vein as the one inch needle is about three quarters deep. As it's spreading my vein open I begin t push into my vein excitedly and sickly. Feeding this fucker with needle and venom that's about 1.5 2.0 full of dope. I fuck feed that bitch until every last drop is inside my vein as the plunger is bottomed out. Then, I erotically remove the needle slowly from my vein as I love seeing how fucking deep inside it was. I get off seeing so much shaft come back out of my fucked vein hole. More and more until the tip spreads it apart and blood puddles and drips out from the depth of the needle. I love it deep and seeing my vein open from it. I love fucking it on cam and showing it to those who enjoy it. I stretch that bitch and love it deep via 3mL syringe with 25X 1" needle. I want to feel that needle open it up and bury itself down to my vein as it busts inside to fuck, feed and bleed as I need. I love watching the video of something so akin to sex it practically is sex. Vein opens up for the metal dick as I stick the prick.

I've had people send me videos of them watching me fuck my vein as they fucked theirs with passion and instensity. Then got off as the video repreated itself. Very fucking erotic and perverse as I drill and fill for pleasure. Long needle, thick dose, and DEEP. More more more more!

The business website is live, though it's not yet complete enough. Needs more polishing. Yesterday I ran into friends on the way to another event and hung out with them for a bit. Didn't end up going to the event in question. Went to a gay bar but when I got there I felt incredibly hypoglycemic, which of course meant I had to run into my ex 5 minutes later. He was awkward as usual. He told me the reason he's been avoiding me lately is because I trigger him into thinking about the guy he broke up with a few months ago, and that made it hard to be around me. I had compassion and tried not to take it personally, but.... at the same time it was kind of like, gee thanks? Nice to know you admit to avoiding me when all I've been earnestly trying to do is connect with you to hang out with a person who I know is a decent human being. He was the one person I knew in the entire bar but kept the interaction sporadic. After the gaudy drag queens were done, the music that played was really bad. I went home shortly after. Ironic, considering that all I wanted to do was dance last night, and of the two venues I went to nothing panned out, and I was too low to partake anyway. Today a long term friendship ended, mostly over values. It was sad, but I guess for the greater good. Kind of tired of people coming and going though. Life is so random.

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm insane or if everyone else is just insane. I really don't get people half the time, or at least most people I come across. I just don't know where people's heads are at. The stuff I feel coming off of them is rarely indicated in the superficial interactions. It's like seeing their depths but not really being allowed to talk about it, or anything that matters. I'm capable of having fun and levity and in fact I need it a lot right now. But I don't get why levity has to mean abandoning higher consciousness. *shrug*

Life is all over the place. Don't know if I want to live or die most days. This place is hot, bright, loud, cramped, and expensive, yet somehow I feel I'm supposed to be here for now. I don't know where else to go though anyway. It's not like I'll be free of this anywhere else. It has to come from within and I just can't seem to muster that for the time being. But I march on... right foot, left foot, one after the other. I just wish sometimes that I had a refuge... a respite... even if for a while. Life shouldn't be so hard. For all its beauty and splendor, life can really be wretched sometimes. At least I know it won't last forever.

...

Sorry I haven't been on much lately. Life is going pretty crappy. I got locked up (again a few months ago), and got out to go back to another rehab. I'm in the Greater Cinci area. If you're in the area let me know and we can hit up and NA/AA meeting (LOfuckingL). Anyway... Just thought I'd drop by. Much love Bluelight fam.

Red hair, dyed from black, or wig. Black in picture.

My name, Jeff, on her chest, above her heart.

Well, shit really hit the fan in my life and it was a rude awakening.

I actually am clean now as far as opiates are concerned. As of today I have a month off of opiates and the needle. No bullshit. I have been an opiate user for over 13 years, a daily user for about ten, and at least 5 on the needle, so it was time for a change.

I can't even begin to describe the changes I have experienced. This has been both the worst and best month of my life. I have so much to live for, but I am at the point where I have everything to live for and everything to lose.

As many of you know I am starting my own business with a close friend. Really, you can laugh and mock my dreams all you want. I have majored in business and art, so I know what the fuck I am doing. I plan on going back to school this fall and polishing off my business management degree. In the meantime, my business is becoming closer to a reality everyday.

I do not care how much success I find. I would just be happy to get by and do something I love. I won't give up on my dreams. Nothing will break me and more importantly, nothing will break my faith. As long as I can pay my bills and put food in my mouth and my family's mouth I am content.

Despite facing many obstacles I am going to live my life to the fullest. I have lost many friends and family and well it just makes me realize who is worth having in my life.

My Grandfather is near death and that is not easy to deal with, but at least I am able to be there for him. My Father does not have long either, but we no longer speak and well the chances of us working things out is very unlikely, but having him out of my life was a tough decision to make, but sadly the right one.

I can truly appreciate the blessings in my life now. I have no regrets as life is too short for that. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and let what did not kill me make me a stronger and better man.

I really do not care if you think what I have to say is bullshit. That is your problem and your loss. The same goes for my appearance. I know I was an asshole when I first joined Bluelight and I probably still am. I have a long ways to go, but change is happening. I find life to be a long learning process and if you really want to go far, you have to always be willing to learn more.

I really have no choice to change, but I am changing for myself and the people that love me. Life can be a beautiful thing if you let it happen. I have seen heaven and I have seen hell. I have seen God and I have seen Lucifer. I have seen pure evil and felt my blood run cold. I do not need to be that person anymore.

I did what I had to do to survive and well I did so much I am not proud of. I know it is hard to believe me when I speak about my past and you can call bullshit all you like. I guess not everyone has been though these type of things, yet I know some people have faced worse. I do not seek pity or want it. I am OK with everything, but it does help to let some things out. Suppressing so many things was not healthy but at the same time, some things I can never speak of.

For so long I suppressed any emotions at all. I failed to care about my fellow humans. I am still at the point where I have to get myself together before I can help my fellow man. I do not know why, but it almost impossible for me to care about other people sometimes. I suppose I often see other people as weak and cowardly. I cannot stand people I see as followers. I cannot stress how much I admire people for being their own person.

I see everyday I am alive as a gift. I have escaped death so many times that I have to believe I am alive for a reason. For me personally faith in God has been the only thing that has shown me how to be a good person. I know that type of reasoning does not fly with many people here and well that is tough shit. I do not mean to preach by any means, but this is my blog.

Anyways, things are changing for me and despite many of the circumstances, I am facing, I would not change a fucking thing that has happened in the past. If these things had not happened, I would not be the man I am today.

I can honestly say I like who I am and am just glad to be alive.

" I swim through the florid underbelly of space imagining in my mind a road encrusted with sound, the night screaming for justice, the verdict is death do us part the visual seas of the great electrical flow, god speaks humbly and only to those who will feel the power of eternity beyond the way out lies within great tears of light shed in the space if a vein.

Large pink poodle paws dabble in painting sculpture of the dividing power electrical wire suspended in eternity waiting to break free behind closed doors, open those doors and let your mind enter, let space and time preoccupy words so heavy they may sink ships, yet they raise like sails and fly on to warmer waters and colder sky.

Words escaping breathlessly from their trumpeter, screeching to a splitting halt, screaming at a sputtering heart, lying beneath frozen grass living off frozen fire, satan is cold and hot, god is where the seas part magical mystical life is hell, heaven is death deflowered.

Constitution blood runs thin, clotting through open pores, pouring through the gates and closing minds, time stands still as if on a walk across a chopping block, eyes open all around, just frown, maybe they won't notice you, but I will, claim you yet selfish is selfless and god is a theoretical mathmatical equation the infinity and beyond lies within, like lions by a fire."

Hey folks I got out of rehab March 31. It's going good despite the fact of having very little money. I'm doing my Step work. I'm on Step 4 in Narcotics Anonymous out of the NA Step working guide. I sure do miss not having my desk top computer though, as I can type a lot faster with 2 hands than 1 finger on this tablet. I'm doing my meditations 6 x a day, as I find it helps me deal with life. I miss everyone on BL. Good to be back. Peace out.

Hey folks I got out of rehab March 31. It's going good despite the fact of having very little money. I'm doing my Step work. I'm on Step 4 in Narcotics Anonymous out of the NA Step working guide. I sure do miss not having my desk top computer though, as I can type a lot faster with 2 hands than 1 finger on this tablet. I'm doing my meditations 6 x a day, as I find it helps me deal with life. I miss everyone on BL. Good to be back. Peace out.

Boy am i happy to never ingest a stimulant again. What the fuck was i thinking. past is the past but still fucking stupidity fucking is fucking rediculous, fuck.

I once had a friend called Dan who used to have an online radio station called d3m0n.radio .

We only ever talked online and though text but it was a lot and he was a very special friend of mine. When I went through my codeine addiction it's all I went on about to him. He lives across the country from me and really I was crying out for help.

But he'd gone through a lot with his ex who had taken his ex away from him, who had been on speed and a few other drugs. I think I brought back bad memories when I started taking codeine. I never meant to hurt him, I was crying out for help and because he lived so far away I could tell him how I felt. How I no longer felt angry, jealous, bitter. Any of those horrible, negative emotions that I'd not wish on my worst enemy.

Trouble is, I see another Dan who is so very similar to him and I miss my friend so much. I just don't know how to get back in touch with him. We talked to hours for hours about all sorts of different things. He was a good friend. I wish I had not gone on about codeine to him now. I usually memorise numbers but I haven't, his. and I know that he doesn't check his E-mail so he'd not have seen mine....

Maybe one day, eh...... I guess we should never take for granted the friendships we have, whether onine or in real life.

Evey

ahh cheers man.. was a bit more feral in my younger years but thats just the way we all grew up around my parts...

I myself was never into them either, was just like you, strictly stimulants with the occasional psychedelic trip but since being diagnosed with hyper-tension, thats all changed.. the whole stoned feeling truly is an acquired taste, I hated heroin the first time I used and now I fucking love it although only feel the need to get on it once in a while - its hard enough to find anyway for me to be using any more frequently...

if you can ever get your hands on hydromorphone, I highly recommend you try it although it is sheerly an IV type drug (much like morphine) so that might rule it out for you but its quite literally the beez neez of all opiates

I just make 'pod juice' when theyre ready to harvest.. 6-12 pods in a blender with a glass off 100% orange juice with a squeeze of lemon (the more acidic, the better) and blend away.. strain that through a sift and skull that fucker down.. repeat again but with water and you will have a subtle but very pleasant buzz for 12-18 hours...

might score some pods this season for opium but I still live with my parents (I work on my old mans crayboat so its really convenient living at home for the time being) so I'de have to keep it as hidden as possible because they already know what Im doin with the pods and Im lucky they tolerate that....

Jamie, Rachel, Nika...

Jamie was a red head. I saw her a few months ago. She started her menstrual cycle when we were having sex. I saw Rachel a couple of weeks ago, and she also had red hair, and her cycle began in the time I first contacted her, and when I saw her. Both were White. In their pictures Jamie looked blond at a glance, having dyed her hair, and Rachel looked brunette. I wasn't conscious, at least, that they were with red hair.

Nika- I just saw her, was Black. I noticed she looked different. Her structure was different. Her skin light. Looked a little pixie-like. Freckles under her eyes. 5'3". She gave the best head I have felt from a girl in years, and that was with a condom on. She was going to do it without, but I had just put it on, and didn't want to take it off, and have her taste the potentially bad taste on my skin, as I hadnt showered since yesterday morning. Then I went inside of her. She warmed up during, kissing me passionately as I fucked her, and masturbating herself as well. When done, there was blood on the condom. She started her cycle. She was embarrassed, but I was happy.

I like patterns. Order. I looked at the moon, before I contacted her, and saw it was at half. It, as nonsense as this seems, I used to justify. I attached.

We talked after. She commented on my light eyes, a few times-- that they were pretty, or nice, I forget (my eyes are brown/hazel).

It came up that she has naturally red hair, and then she said that she is White, Black, and Indian. I had commented on her leg hair, as she hadn't shaved in some days, and it was blond, which I found interesting. She was wearing a blond wig. I couldn't tell from her pictures, about the red, and I just assumed whatever colors were there were dye. Perhaps I pick up on the features subconsciously. I listen to my boner.

I'm bored so this should entertain me for a bit. lol.

METHAMPHETAMINE:
-meth
-tina
-crystal
-christina
-windows
-glass
-software

HEROIN:
-dope
-horse
-D
-H
-diesel
-the brown stuff
-dirt
-henrietta

DILAUDID:
-DVDs
-dilly dallies

ECSTASY:
-E
-X
-pills
-little round things
-skittles
-candy
-felix
-edith

LSD:
-lucy
-alice
-acid
-paper
-liquid
-cidney
-cid
-L

MAGIC MUSHROOMS:
-shrooms
-shroomage
-sherman
-mushies

OXYCONTIN:
-oxy
-OC
-connie

COCAINE/CRACK:
-coke
-chloe
-white girl
-powder
-rock
-soft stuff
-hard stuff
-yak

MARIJUANA:
-pot
-weed
-smoke
-trees
-mary jane
-ganja

KETAMINE:
-K
-special k
-kitty

KLONOPIN:
-pins
-klonies

Those are all the nicknames I can think of right now. Please comment and add to the list if you know of more

[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKvefvzDVNo#t=294[/video]

1. Marijuana (October 2011) ❤️
2. MDMA (August 2012) ...
3. Codeine (September 2012) ⭐️
4. Xanax (February 2013) 🌘
5. Ambien (March 2013) 💩
6. Valium (March 2013) 🌝
7. Cocaine (July 2013) 🎊
8. Vicodin (July 2013) 💀
9. Dxm (August 2013) ❤️
10. Ecstasy (October 2013) 🎊
11. Ativan (November 2013) 👎
12. LSD (December 2013) ✨
13. Norco (April 2014) 💀

What have I learned from that dark day. Or is it a light day. I don't even know. The day of the first toke of that green flower that the world views as a drug. But the world is right. The dopamine flow is something we have not felt since our last meal. Next comes empathy. Arrived in a tiny capsule is a couple hours of love. A type of love we cannot experience because of our own fear. A love without fear is an artificial one. The lovely ecstasy felt for hours has only showed me how empty this generation is. Our emotions are nothing as we throw them into a caldron of drugs and relationships in hopes of happiness. Pain is the end result. Along comes that yellow syrup. Grabs my stomach in a tight fist and squeezes pleasure out my brain. Detaches the brain from emotion. I am my generation. I feel nothing when I'm numbed and everything when I'm not. I don't even know who I am anymore. Why am I at the mercy of this chemical that's already in my brain. I want to feel normal and this tiny pink pill raised it's hand exclaiming that it is the answer. Needless to say it's already traveling down my throat and in a couple minutes I am who I truly feel I am. I have no anxiety. No fear. No emotion?? I'm a zombie again. I only really feel to sleep. Sleep is the best escape. This drug is the best escape. I need something to make me feel alive again. Fuck the stigma. Give me the heartbeat of a scared rabbit. It looks like what mum used to rub on my torso so that I can feel fresh n clean. It numbs my tongue tho. It's bitter. Wait but there's the smile. Here's the energy. I'm alive again. I can feel this... This... Demon?! I can't stop. The feeling kicks in and I forget all worries. What happens now is only on my mind. Will I do it again? Heck no! Dreaded emotional pain. Why this? Why that? I read so much of painkillers but where's the emotional painkiller?? Oh I've found it. It's in a white pill. It's a big one. Gulp. Here it is. A smile I can't even erase from my face. I wanna hug anything. Here's what I've been looking for. This pain free narcotic haze has truly showed me a life of no worries and struggle. Sadly that's no life. That's fantasy. But I want to re-create the destroyed relationships I live amongst. Next stop is in your cough n cold remedy. This showed me more than you can imagine in 5hours. Appreciation of all things unappreciated. Finally I'm happy. Or am I? I can't be. This isn't real. This happiness is once again, artificial. Man this is sad. I'm trying to feel and become better but it's only dragging me down. Why is this a surprise to me? Maybe it's part of my journey. Thanks square piece of paper! For showing me a world of justification! But it's not all in bad faith. Of course I've grown.

I am strong. I am weak. I am happy. I am sad. The cycle never stops. I regret nothing. I have GROWN.

I guess I can say that we are in way over our heads. A justification can lead a long way and can bring out the good and bad in us. Ignorance is truly a bliss when there's a will. We seek the knowledge that we will never truly understand through the madness of our generation. A knowledge that always changes. I guess the Spick doesn't truly understand the power in that piece of paper. The magical experience that we go thru for 12hrs has truly shaped and moulded those of us who have experienced it. What we saw was a projection of our mind without our so called ego that ties us down. These images can take the closed mind by surprise oand really tax our inner beings. The spiritual energy and electricity flowing through our brains is possibly the most powerful experience that man knows. For $200 a hit, the pure experience unfolds as quickly as it takes for the sun to rise and set. We may not quite understand what we truly felt that night but your guess is as good as mine. Knowledge gained from the experience takes us a long way in our life simply because of the ego loss and what we know becomes irrelevant and what we see becomes clear that it's the only thing that matters. Our minds are the most powerful entities on this earth and only through greatness and willpower can we achieve what we really want. But it's become clear to me that we want nothing. Our whole existance is based on what we've made today to please our minds. The world can be a greater place if everyone experienced this electric force. What we were taught is simply a program to emulate some sort of order in this world. But at what cost?

There you go, afterglow.

I SHOULD GLOAT. This high powered happy chemical all got me dazed & hazed. Recognize passion where the euphoria is so immense you can see your water droplets precipitating off your skin in a blurred dim vision. Nothing can bring you down. Not a damn thing. Not even losing parts of your inner temple. Sounds too good to be true, I know. It's where what your mind projects the world to be is diminished. Those on this level of intoxication cannot view the "world your mind projects". They seem like beings without a purpose, drones if you may. Program-acted. But that is what this life could be if you're in a more 'selfish level'. This idea of happiness cannot damper the bliss and needlessness. Of course talking to these outside beings is disrupted. They may not understand your high energy as theres' is not near enhanced in comparison. They cannot comprehend the feelings and emotions being emitted from your energy. Communication is compromised and rather dread. Needless to say inhaling mother earth's essence isn't distorting the already-contorted mind. Everything is brought down to the quietest level because you're the only ones up there. Coming down from paradise isn't even a task. BUT WHY SHOULD I GLOAT?

%)Here is a self made video of me slamming the goods. I am about to head off. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evzGOW_rGYI

Bioavailability/Half-Life Version 2.0

Morphine: 15-40%, 20-45mg

DiaMorphine: varies, and dose dependent; Oral: - SDU Nasal:35-70%, Tmax ~15min? SDU 7.5-15mg
IV onset immediate, peak <5min

Oxycodone: mean ~50%,R 35-70%*
Tmax 1-2h duration oral/IV/Nasal: 4-8h(rectal Tmax is 2-4h, IIRC, w/ a longer duration of 8-12 hours
Methadone: Ba- Oral:40-90%, mean 70-80%~ SDU: Acute: 10-20 Chronic 5-10mg duration of action 4-12h, up to 24h Chronic(Steady state, duration is dose dependent, and Methadone itself is complex)
Primary CYP3a4, note that increasing PH enchances absorption & can increase half life.

Just before writing "God's choices, God's choices, God's choices", in my last entry, which I heard as I was waking up, something like that (some is missing), I had been watching a bear tear three little boys limb from limb. It seemed I was watching a nature program. This was filmed in Siberia. There was snow on the ground. Siberia, but one little boy had a name, "Zwolf", which is Germanic. I seemed to place it in some Scandinavian country. Finland. Zwolf had a large tumor on the side of his head, almost as big as his head. Him and seemingly two other little boys were sitting in snow, up against a kind of embankment. When the bear took him, I didn't feel bad. At least not as much as I would have if the boy had been fully healthy, and happy. I accepted it. Not that I enjoyed the show. I wondered why nobody that was filming it, did anything.

I heard the other boys screaming, as it moved onto them. The first one didn't scream because I think he was decapitated rather fast. Another screamed, having his arms or arms ripped off. It was all violent... More than I felt a nature program should show. Each of their names seemed to be variations of the same name, like slightly different languages.

In an earlier part of my sleep, I dreamed I had a pet lion. I had a lion, and a regular domestic cat, who resembled my old cat, Olly- a ginger cat. But the lion stayed in a small apartment with me, and I felt bad about this, eventually giving him up. Much detail I forget, but I also gave a computer to someone- The actor that plays Jax in Sons of Anarchy (Charlie Hunnam), who I just saw in Pacific Rim. I also watched a video of a guy who friended Lions, and Hyenas, so that probably played into my dreams.

The bear, I had a choice on my mind... To go get more chicken, or eat less today. I've been thinking I've been eating too much. I don't know if the bear tearing the boys up, and my thought on if I should go get more meat, were associated, but it did weigh in.

A girl in my dream... I was trying to get some action- Maybe more, from her. She sent me a picture of flowers, over text. Pink-purple/Fuchsia. I wanted to send her a picture of the Orchid that I gave to my mom, but I hesitated, and didn't.