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[video]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKvefvzDVNo#t=294[/video]

1. Marijuana (October 2011) ❤️
2. MDMA (August 2012) ...
3. Codeine (September 2012) ⭐️
4. Xanax (February 2013) 🌘
5. Ambien (March 2013) 💩
6. Valium (March 2013) 🌝
7. Cocaine (July 2013) 🎊
8. Vicodin (July 2013) 💀
9. Dxm (August 2013) ❤️
10. Ecstasy (October 2013) 🎊
11. Ativan (November 2013) 👎
12. LSD (December 2013) ✨
13. Norco (April 2014) 💀

What have I learned from that dark day. Or is it a light day. I don't even know. The day of the first toke of that green flower that the world views as a drug. But the world is right. The dopamine flow is something we have not felt since our last meal. Next comes empathy. Arrived in a tiny capsule is a couple hours of love. A type of love we cannot experience because of our own fear. A love without fear is an artificial one. The lovely ecstasy felt for hours has only showed me how empty this generation is. Our emotions are nothing as we throw them into a caldron of drugs and relationships in hopes of happiness. Pain is the end result. Along comes that yellow syrup. Grabs my stomach in a tight fist and squeezes pleasure out my brain. Detaches the brain from emotion. I am my generation. I feel nothing when I'm numbed and everything when I'm not. I don't even know who I am anymore. Why am I at the mercy of this chemical that's already in my brain. I want to feel normal and this tiny pink pill raised it's hand exclaiming that it is the answer. Needless to say it's already traveling down my throat and in a couple minutes I am who I truly feel I am. I have no anxiety. No fear. No emotion?? I'm a zombie again. I only really feel to sleep. Sleep is the best escape. This drug is the best escape. I need something to make me feel alive again. Fuck the stigma. Give me the heartbeat of a scared rabbit. It looks like what mum used to rub on my torso so that I can feel fresh n clean. It numbs my tongue tho. It's bitter. Wait but there's the smile. Here's the energy. I'm alive again. I can feel this... This... Demon?! I can't stop. The feeling kicks in and I forget all worries. What happens now is only on my mind. Will I do it again? Heck no! Dreaded emotional pain. Why this? Why that? I read so much of painkillers but where's the emotional painkiller?? Oh I've found it. It's in a white pill. It's a big one. Gulp. Here it is. A smile I can't even erase from my face. I wanna hug anything. Here's what I've been looking for. This pain free narcotic haze has truly showed me a life of no worries and struggle. Sadly that's no life. That's fantasy. But I want to re-create the destroyed relationships I live amongst. Next stop is in your cough n cold remedy. This showed me more than you can imagine in 5hours. Appreciation of all things unappreciated. Finally I'm happy. Or am I? I can't be. This isn't real. This happiness is once again, artificial. Man this is sad. I'm trying to feel and become better but it's only dragging me down. Why is this a surprise to me? Maybe it's part of my journey. Thanks square piece of paper! For showing me a world of justification! But it's not all in bad faith. Of course I've grown.

I am strong. I am weak. I am happy. I am sad. The cycle never stops. I regret nothing. I have GROWN.

I guess I can say that we are in way over our heads. A justification can lead a long way and can bring out the good and bad in us. Ignorance is truly a bliss when there's a will. We seek the knowledge that we will never truly understand through the madness of our generation. A knowledge that always changes. I guess the Spick doesn't truly understand the power in that piece of paper. The magical experience that we go thru for 12hrs has truly shaped and moulded those of us who have experienced it. What we saw was a projection of our mind without our so called ego that ties us down. These images can take the closed mind by surprise oand really tax our inner beings. The spiritual energy and electricity flowing through our brains is possibly the most powerful experience that man knows. For $200 a hit, the pure experience unfolds as quickly as it takes for the sun to rise and set. We may not quite understand what we truly felt that night but your guess is as good as mine. Knowledge gained from the experience takes us a long way in our life simply because of the ego loss and what we know becomes irrelevant and what we see becomes clear that it's the only thing that matters. Our minds are the most powerful entities on this earth and only through greatness and willpower can we achieve what we really want. But it's become clear to me that we want nothing. Our whole existance is based on what we've made today to please our minds. The world can be a greater place if everyone experienced this electric force. What we were taught is simply a program to emulate some sort of order in this world. But at what cost?

There you go, afterglow.

I SHOULD GLOAT. This high powered happy chemical all got me dazed & hazed. Recognize passion where the euphoria is so immense you can see your water droplets precipitating off your skin in a blurred dim vision. Nothing can bring you down. Not a damn thing. Not even losing parts of your inner temple. Sounds too good to be true, I know. It's where what your mind projects the world to be is diminished. Those on this level of intoxication cannot view the "world your mind projects". They seem like beings without a purpose, drones if you may. Program-acted. But that is what this life could be if you're in a more 'selfish level'. This idea of happiness cannot damper the bliss and needlessness. Of course talking to these outside beings is disrupted. They may not understand your high energy as theres' is not near enhanced in comparison. They cannot comprehend the feelings and emotions being emitted from your energy. Communication is compromised and rather dread. Needless to say inhaling mother earth's essence isn't distorting the already-contorted mind. Everything is brought down to the quietest level because you're the only ones up there. Coming down from paradise isn't even a task. BUT WHY SHOULD I GLOAT?

%)Here is a self made video of me slamming the goods. I am about to head off. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evzGOW_rGYI

Bioavailability/Half-Life Version 2.0

Morphine: 15-40%, 20-45mg

DiaMorphine: varies, and dose dependent; Oral: - SDU Nasal:35-70%, Tmax ~15min? SDU 7.5-15mg
IV onset immediate, peak <5min

Oxycodone: mean ~50%,R 35-70%*
Tmax 1-2h duration oral/IV/Nasal: 4-8h(rectal Tmax is 2-4h, IIRC, w/ a longer duration of 8-12 hours
Methadone: Ba- Oral:40-90%, mean 70-80%~ SDU: Acute: 10-20 Chronic 5-10mg duration of action 4-12h, up to 24h Chronic(Steady state, duration is dose dependent, and Methadone itself is complex)
Primary CYP3a4, note that increasing PH enchances absorption & can increase half life.

Just before writing "God's choices, God's choices, God's choices", in my last entry, which I heard as I was waking up, something like that (some is missing), I had been watching a bear tear three little boys limb from limb. It seemed I was watching a nature program. This was filmed in Siberia. There was snow on the ground. Siberia, but one little boy had a name, "Zwolf", which is Germanic. I seemed to place it in some Scandinavian country. Finland. Zwolf had a large tumor on the side of his head, almost as big as his head. Him and seemingly two other little boys were sitting in snow, up against a kind of embankment. When the bear took him, I didn't feel bad. At least not as much as I would have if the boy had been fully healthy, and happy. I accepted it. Not that I enjoyed the show. I wondered why nobody that was filming it, did anything.

I heard the other boys screaming, as it moved onto them. The first one didn't scream because I think he was decapitated rather fast. Another screamed, having his arms or arms ripped off. It was all violent... More than I felt a nature program should show. Each of their names seemed to be variations of the same name, like slightly different languages.

In an earlier part of my sleep, I dreamed I had a pet lion. I had a lion, and a regular domestic cat, who resembled my old cat, Olly- a ginger cat. But the lion stayed in a small apartment with me, and I felt bad about this, eventually giving him up. Much detail I forget, but I also gave a computer to someone- The actor that plays Jax in Sons of Anarchy (Charlie Hunnam), who I just saw in Pacific Rim. I also watched a video of a guy who friended Lions, and Hyenas, so that probably played into my dreams.

The bear, I had a choice on my mind... To go get more chicken, or eat less today. I've been thinking I've been eating too much. I don't know if the bear tearing the boys up, and my thought on if I should go get more meat, were associated, but it did weigh in.

A girl in my dream... I was trying to get some action- Maybe more, from her. She sent me a picture of flowers, over text. Pink-purple/Fuchsia. I wanted to send her a picture of the Orchid that I gave to my mom, but I hesitated, and didn't.

And they're all forbidden.

NEVER get to close to anyone again. They just p*** off, get on with their own life and f*** you off like you never existed.

Second note to self. Don't be so stupid to *EVER* GET CLOSE to anyone again.

Receive received loud and clear.

Evey

As I'm no longer smoking weed, I figured that I should start logging my dreams again so that I can try to get back into getting lucid regularly. It seems fitting that the night of the first dreams I would record here I happened to smoke Calea zacatechichi with a newer friend who had just heard of it and wanted to try it for the first time. It was just one bowl, and it was maybe an hour and a half or so before going to bed, but I like to think it might have had some effect since it hasn't taken me much in the past and my dreams were definitely odd and vivid, though I was still only able to remember a few snippets as I haven't worked on my recall in quite some time now.

The first thing that I remember is hanging out with an old high school friend, and I was driving us somewhere that I don't recall now. At some point during this drive two other passengers were suddenly in the back seats as well, but who they were escapes me. What I do know is that I was driving us down a road surrounded by cliffs, none of which exist right around where I live, and out of nowhere something went horribly wrong. I'm not even sure how, but somehow we were suddenly in mid-jump as if we had just driven to speed off of a huge ramp, and with no landing area in sight, we now seemed to be taking a headfirst dive into the valley of something I can only compare to the Grand Canyon. What I can say was interesting about this scene was that it had the highly detailed action movie kind of emotion which is *very* reminiscent of my past experiences with the dream herb.

We were all freaking out on the car, but somehow we all managed to leap out at the last second and grab on to this ledge half way down the side of a nearby cliff (but certainly impossible to jump to had it been real life), and we started scaling the wall to try to find a way back to safety. But then, as quickly as this all began, I was waking up in bed like nothing had happened. My memory was a little hazy in the moment, but I at least remembered driving somewhere with my high school friend, but didn't something happen after that...? Suddenly, a strange little tune started playing, but this didn't seem overly odd to me. It took me a minute to figure out, but I realized that the music was coming from this plump stuffed dragon I have, which was currently to the left of my bed.

I was a little startled when I heard movement to the right of the bed then, but then it occurred to me that it must be my high school friend from before, and I had to have been dreaming about him because he was spending the night at my house, and was sleeping on the little pulled out sofa seat people would use next to my bed back then, but which I haven't had for years. Since he sounded awake I leaned over and asked him if he remembered that crazy dream we just had, and he seemed to, but before we could start talking about it I heard my parents start arguing outside of my bedroom door, and then my dad started knocking and asking for me. I went to answer him and he was mad at me about something though I'm not sure what it was now, though I want to say it had something to do with my mom because that would fit with the mindset I feel asleep with last night....

The scene changed again, and now I was at work. My coworkers were excited because someone who used to work there but had moved away recently had come back to visit us. I was less enthusiastic about it however, because I was still feeling hurt about the fact that I thought this coworker and I were in friendly terms and I had shared my LSD and DMT with him multiple times, and then he didn't even tell me when he moved away despite telling other people we worked with. I'd like to think that in real life I would have been a little less childish about this, but in the dream I was being very passive aggressive towards him. Upon reflection on this I realized something odd; everyone was referring to him with male pronouns, but in real life I would have been the only one who knew to do this. I'm the only person there he had come out to as transgender, and he had still shown up dressed as female at this time. That's about the last thing I remember though, as after that the dream faded and I woke up.

Not bad recall for a first entry. Hopefully it picks up even more quickly!

while i love getting PM's, this is not me looking for help ID'ing something as i know that's impossible for anyone who's not with me.. but this is a funny story and, however unlikely, this always could be a chronicle of my downfall, if some sick bastards put poison in these bastards (i'm FAR too curious to even consider tossing the booty)

story:
sunrise jog this morning, notice clothes on sidewalk. look closer and realize it's very nice quality hoodie and basketball shorts (my brands too!). bring them home, notice they've got no store-tags, but appear to be brand new from store. they were ditched on a sidewalk in the burbs, hard to tell if from a car or left there. pockets are empty.
i deposit the two clothing items into my washer, and go back to jog more. i jog past the spot, figuring there may be more booty. there is. this stuff could have been ditched from a car, but looks like a person/people were sitting here.. but that wouldn't make sense cuz there were better spots within 40' of there (maybe kids out partying on sat pm?). anyways there's more booty- about 10 ghetto-capsules in a small pile on the dirt (as if they were dropped), and what appears to be a nice meth torch (it wasn't). i grab some of the cleaner looking capsules and the torch(laser!), go home to investigate further.
laser: about the size/body shaping of a fat rig, but heavy as hell. takes a single AA battery, is rated at 1.5omega, brand is 'icon'. cannot find it online. is heavy duty and does not power-up (yet)
capsules 5 capsules in front of me, they look like home-made caps (the powder fills 1/4 of some capsules, 90%+ of others). powder is fine white with larger, darker chunks - very mdma/molly looking, if my 5y/o memories serve.

aaaanyways this post is probably here for posterity more than anything, lest someone find me dead at my laptop w/o a clue how i died LOL! i should just throw these away, hell if i want mdma i can probably find some easy enough, but just cannot bring myself to consider tossing these capsules before i know!!

/csb

Well I'm happy as starting next week I no longer have to cut beams with a chainsaw all day while breaking my back doing a 3 person job by myself feeling my body get worse and worse over time. I was also by myself all day which gets very lonly just you and your thoughts 11 hours a day. This job contributed to me staying on heroin as long as I did as it put me in so much physical pain all day everyday along with all my emotional pain. I knew I had to stop before I ended up the way I was before.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.

I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.

Well I'm happy as starting next week I no longer have to cut beams with a chainsaw all day while breaking my back doing a 3 person job by myself feeling my body get worse and worse over time. I was also by myself all day which gets very lonly just you and your thoughts 11 hours a day. This job contributed to me staying on heroin as long as I did as it put me in so much physical pain all day everyday along with all my emotional pain. I knew I had to stop before I ended up the way I was before.
Now I'm on the retail side of things at the same company so that's good I still get the same hours and pay but do half as much work. I know its not something I want to do till the day I die but at least for the moment Ill be happier doing this, not miserable like I have been the past years. I keep thinking about how young I am and how I could do anything I put my mind to yet I seem to be stuck here unable to leave a comfort zone I suppose you could say as I'm used to going to the same work, working the same hours, coming home to the same house in the same place I've always lived, and expecting that same amount of money to go in my bank account every 2 weeks. I'm scared to go outside my comfort zone a lot of the times I would rather just know I'm safe at the moment instead of risking everything trying something new and exciting because I need that stability.
I am doing courses online for psychology and I want to take all the nessesary courses to become a drug or alcohol counsler or something where I can help people addicted to drugs or who are just struggling in life. But I still doubt myself a lot I just don't think highly of myself is suppose.

I want to do something that matters I want to die knowing I made a difference you know?
I don't want to go through meaningless motions my whole life on earth then die regretting everything I ever did unable to change it.
Lately I've been thinking that I'm just always gonna be afraid of change and always going to imagine I can escape looking out into the horizon instead of actually trying. I'm afraid of losing everything if i fail so I just hold on to hope that one day will be different without ever changing anything. This is what I fear when I lay awake at night that I will die before I get a chance to live life.
I always find myself looking out at the horizon on top of a mountain just thinking of everything I want to do and thinking about the possibilities all the places I could go.
I want a wife I want a son I want to know I'm making a difference in the world I want to never be like my dad I want to die knowing I cared for all my loved ones and helped others out of dispair and misery.
Who knows though I keep thinking what if there's no point to anything mabye we are all just cockroaches crawling around on earth and nothing has any meaning we all just live and die and nothing any of us do makes a difference. Mabye I'm just being a bitch who knows I'm just rambling.

Its Study leave so I havent been doing too much lately. Took a bus all the way down to Grantown and had an amazing night there just smoking and being a general juvenile delinquent which isnt really me but it was so far away from where I live and I am easily influenced and up for anything . The weed we got for that day got me fucking mega high the first joint. Like higher than I have been in months off one L-plate between 4 people. Was such a clean, intense high which I was assuming represented the rest of the weed but I was wrong. No clue why that one joint got me so minced but I wasnt the only one who felt higher than normal. Very odd.

Other than that I had everyone over about a week ago, 13 people in 1 house is pretty high maintenance but I had a great night and nothing got broken. Nial brought legals and fucking hell thats just something new all together. Everyone said go easy so after a few small 4 draws or so I decided to go for 9 good long tokes. It put me in a really brutal headspace. 2 people present had been to hospital on this stuff (one person 5 times...) so I wondered if my heart was about to cut out or something but I was mentally good with it. Not sure I would of wanted to smoke any more as it was really challenging to stay cool but I'm glad I did it. A friend who has never been drunk or high was present that night. He had a good time and didn't cough or anything when he inhaled, took a while to learn to do it though.

T+0:00 - 25 mg oral 2C-I
T+1:00 - 25 mg oral 4-HO-MiPT
repeated inhaled Nitrous Oxide
repeated smoked Cannabis
T+3:30 - 20 mg oral Chlordiazepoxide


It was the day after Alexander Shulgin had died, and I had seen some other people planning to trip on some compounds that he had made in memory of him, and I opted to do the same. I couldn't think of a better way to commemorate a life well-lived. I had been planning to wait a little longer before tripping again, since it had only been five days since my previous experience, but I had the day off, so I figured it couldn't hurt. I kind of wanted to try something new for the experience, so first I dug out my old stash of 2C-I from years ago, which I had maybe somewhere around 50-70 mg left of, give or take. I weighed out 25 mg for myself in preparation for a little bit later, and decided that, since this was my first time taking a phenethylamine since I had started tripping again, I would wait maybe about forty-five minutes to an hour to see how it was hitting me, and then if it felt right I would stack 25 mg of 4-HO-MiPT on top of the experience.


This combination of psychedelics was picked with careful consideration. 2C-I alone for me has proven to be a drug with a very powerful body high, and during my stronger trips with it, this translates into something incredibly sexual. For the highest dose of it I had ever taken, I had actually gotten complete entity contact, for my first time on any psychedelic. This contact lacked any sort of psychological depth however; it was basically like a spirit orgy, with female entities merging into and out of my body while moaning and causing one orgasmic burst of vibrational energy after another. Because of that experience I have always been interested in mixing 2C-I with other hallucinogens which may give it a little bit more of the mystical or insightful edge that I tend to get with other psychedelics, but my trials up until this point have been sort of a dud. It seemed to fight both the LSD and 4-AcO-DMT experiences in a way that made it feel like I was hallucinating and sped out, but not really tripping, not even on the level that 2C-I alone provides. My one notable success with it came from combining it with ketamine, my only experience thus far with that chemical. This created beautiful dream-like imagery and entity contact with vibrant, full-spectrum rainbow colors saturating every scene, and I floated through an energy grid while watching various delirious movie-like scenarios play out. Because of this I knew that 2C-I had more potential, I just had to find the right companion for it.


I've only used 4-HO-MiPT once before in the past, but I was definitely intrigued by it. I had actually been interested in it for years, pretty much ever since I first started researching drugs. What really made me more curious about it than anything though was the multiple reports of it that I'd heard describing it as along the lines of mushrooms, but more lucid, energetic, and sexual. One thing I had noticed about mushrooms, particularly from my highest dose of them, was that while some psychedelics like DMT and 2C-I could be more orgasmic in a purely overwhelming way, and some like LSD could be more erotic in a crazy, lustful way, mushrooms tended to have an emotional quality that other psychedelics for me just lacked. They were still very fetishy, but there's something to them that I can only describe as along the lines of feeling like true love, the kind where you're completely at peace and can totally trust and give yourself up to them. The entities I see on them tend to consist mainly of girls dressed in colorful latex and high heels and other such things, with lots of really cosmic-looking royal jewelry, and they tend to be surrounded by lots of abstract, stereotypically psychedelic borders and sensual and romantic imagery. My one experience with 4-HO-MiPT before this hadn't exactly been the perfect setting to try to bring that side of it out, but I still felt that it was there. I also ended up having effects very much of this same sort from a combination of LSD and 4-HO-DiPT, and I was starting to become suspicious that this might be a general visual architecture of 4-hydroxytryptamines for me. Given this, and everything I had heard about its clarity of thought and relatively dissociating trip, I thought that it might actually be something which had the potential to synergize well with 2C-I.


So, at 7:30 PM, T+0:00, I took the 25 mg of the 2C-I. Within about half an hour later I was becoming quite stimulated and talking more and more, until about T+0:45 when I had the house to myself. The energy was strong but the body high was mild, and as far as visuals go I was getting some maybe *very* slight movement of surfaces at this point. I was also a getting a little bit of nausea, which I had never gotten with 2C-I before other than the time I snorted it just at the beginning, which was a little off-putting, but I seem to get nausea from psychedelics these days a little bit more easily than I did years ago, so I figured it was no big deal. At T+1:00 I figured that, even though I know it takes a little longer than this for 2C-I to fully kick in, I would be able to tell if it was going to be a really heavy trip or not, and I decided that I could definitely take a bit more. I took the 25 mg of 4-HO-MiPT that I had weighed out in anticipation, and then I used the bathroom and then hopped in the shower to help with a headache that I'd had for most of the day as I waited for both drugs to start really working their magic at the same time. The water felt really great on my skin when I was in there, and very quickly I started to notice the walls and glass around me warping and sliding around and breaking into multiple colored layers. I tried to see if I could discern which part of these visuals were coming from the phenethylamine and which from the tryptamine, but it was hard to do as they actually seemed to be mixing pretty well. My mind was doing something a little stranger though. When texting X not much later, I would describe it as "It's almost like I know I'm tripping but I don't know why." In some ways it almost felt like my thoughts were skipping over themselves, but the thoughts didn't seem unordinary, and they also seemed to be very sped up, but almost in a way that I didn't even really notice it, like I could think several thoughts in a span of a few seconds and not even really realize it because I just felt normal. Very odd stuff.


Anyway, I ended up getting out of the shower I believe some time around T+1:15, and then I decided to do some nitrous. I had heard from a dealer years ago that 2C-I and nitrous was an incredible combination, but I had never gotten to try it back then so I was pretty interested. I was also feeling a little bit more nausea now than I had before, and I was hoping to help it a bit. My visuals had started to reach a point similar to my mindset where they were sort of haphazardly jumping from one thing to the next, and in the same way it sort of felt like I was getting prominent effects but I couldn't really nail down what any of them were. I definitely thought that my negative body load was causing this in some way by hindering me from letting go into the experience, and so in the hopes of having this not be another wasted 2C-I combination, I loaded a balloon with a few chargers to help myself out, and took it down at around T+1:35. It made the experience feel much more dissociating (of course) and I felt like I was tripping much harder once I came out of the balloon than before I went in, but it still didn't really feel like it had reached its full potential, like I had the same indiscriminate effects from before, just stronger now. It also didn't take longer for the nausea to start creeping back in. I had just a couple of weeks prior quit smoking weed for the time being and I really wasn't missing it so I had had no desire to mix it with this trip just for the sake of potentiation, but given the side effects and the fact that this experience felt like it just needed a little extra push to full evolve, I finally gave in and decided to go for it at about T+2:15. I got just a little bit of some high quality stuff to work with, and loaded myself a small bowl and started toking away, and then went to lie down closer to the TV to hear the music better.

What's up BL'ers?

So... I might go to jail.. No biggie.. Ha.

But, I'm hoping to avoid that possibility. I'm off the dope and it feels damn good. I feel like I have some semblance of sanity back, as if a veil has been lifted and I can finally see and feel again. Things are finally good for me, which would make it that much harder if it all got ripped away by the courts.

In other news, to add some more perspective to my life, I ran into an old buddy today at the diner.. an old old old buddy, and not because I've known him a long time, it's because he's old as fuck..

Everyone calls him "Jimmy Genius", because he must be a genius for somehow figuring out how to use massive amounts of dope for forty years and still be alive. I think his name should be .. "Jimmy Lucky As Shit", but that's just me.. Anyway, he was still looking as haggard as ever, as if the Crypt Keeper and Iggy Pop had a baby. But, the dude is still alive and kicking.. somehow. He's got long white hair, a beard stained yellow from all the years of 2 packs a day, and a big faded ass sailor jerry pinup tattoo on his neck (when you can make it out through all the wrinkles). I have no idea where he could possibly be shooting up anymore, as his last good vein must have died out twenty years ago.

So I say hello, and he mutters out some unintelligible shit, his voice all raspy like he's swallowed a spoonful of dirt. I wanna tell him to fuck off and let me eat my pancakes but.. ya gotta respect the old timers you know? So I nod and smile, while he scratches at his neck and sways back and forth like a Weeble Wobble.

After he leaves.. I stare down at my food, having totally lost my appetite (which is a shame because that place makes the best blueberry pancakes in the city), and thank the God's that I'm clean right now.. because I'm sure, a long long time ago, Jimmy Genius was having a meal just like that, talking to some other old dope fiend, and promised himself he'd never become that... but, sure enough... here he was all those years later.

So, I'll say it now for you all to read.

I don't ever want to become that.



-Scagnattie

well not a blog as such just a list of what i have and haven't taken how many days since 4 days since any stims

feeling less suicidal tonight though its rising listening to them two down stairs slagging me off to fuck because they don't like the truth their as much to blame for all of this as anyone

around 9 grams of mixed noids coming in the morning trying instead of benzo which are all ready costing far to much tolerance is sky high all ready

that's it for day one

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Original Link - http://www.natureworldnews.com/arti...es-better-future-heart-health-study-finds.htm

Children who bully their peers have better health later in life due to increase in social status, a new study has found. Bullied children tend to suffer from long-term health problems, including chronic, systemic inflammation.

The study, conducted by researchers at Duke Medicine along with colleagues at University of Warwick, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and Emory University, looked at both sides of the issue. They found that bullies have better health in the future due to an increase in social status.

Bullying victims not only suffer from emotional problems, as noted by several other studies, but might even develop chronic health diseases due to increase in inflammation, researchers found.

Data for the study came from Great Smoky Mountains Study, which had collected information from 1,420 individuals for more than 20 years.

Participants were interviewed throughout their childhood and adulthood. Blood samples of the children in the study were collected to look for specific biological compounds. The team measured levels of C-reactive protein (CRP), which is a marker for inflammation and is associated with future heart health.

"CRP levels are affected by a variety of stressors, including poor nutrition, lack of sleep and infection, but we've found that they are also related to psychosocial factors," William E. Copeland, Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University School of Medicine and the study's lead author, said in a news release. "By controlling for participants' pre-existing CRP levels, even before involvement in bullying, we get a clearer understanding of how bullying could change the trajectory of CRP levels.

The study included bullies, victims and people who were both bullies and victims. The team found that CRP levels increased across the three groups during adulthood. However, victims of bullies had higher levels of the marker when compared with the other two groups. What's more is that the CRP levels went up with each incident of bullying.

"Our study found that a child's role in bullying can serve as either a risk or a protective factor for low-grade inflammation," Copeland said. "Enhanced social status seems to have a biological advantage. However, there are ways children can experience social success aside from bullying others."

The study is published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Click to expand...

The above article really compelled me to share it with other Bluelighters who may be reading this, because, for me, this is something which seemed obvious for a long time, yet, I had no way of providing any sort of evidence to support my view on the matter.

As an adolescent/teenager, I grew up constantly bullied by others at school, and at home by at least two older male individuals who took out their own frustrations on me, as if I was a punching bag. And it severely affected my mental health in the long run, as I began to become isolated from society because I preferred it, and felt safer.

Whenever I did need to venture into a social situation (e.g. school, work, church, doctor's office, hospital, shopping, various appointments, and so forth), I found myself profoundly uncomfortable (usually sweating due to anxiety and nervousness), as if all eyes were on me and judging my body language, the clothes I wore, how I communicated, and much more.

To remedy this situation of constantly feeling like shit (physically, mentally, and emotionally), I eventually turned to using recreational drugs, which, I found were much more effective than the anti-psychotic and anti-depressant bullshit medications some greedy quack prescribed me in order to receive a royalty from the pharmaceutical company which manufactured the Rx drug in question.

I first started with nicotine (smoking tobacco) and alcoholic beverages, and eventually moved on to marijuana, ecstasy (MDMA), cocaine, meth, and the opioids including heroin.

As time passed, I also became fascinated with and began to study drug pharmacology, biology, and an introduction to organic chemistry. And as certain nuances of my life and the choices I made revealed themselves to me in greater clarity, it soon became obvious as to why I made so many life-altering decisions.

Without sounding like I'm asking for pity (because I really am not), or that I'm wallowing in self-pity (again, because I'm not), it's painfully clear to me that bullying greatly influenced my desire to constantly escape my sober pattern of thought, especially when in social situations. And I feel this article is reasonable proof that bullying can literally be the root cause of bad habits and chronic illness, which then may lead to a premature death not just for me, but every human being.

As such, I believe (and have always felt) that bullying should be considered a felonious crime, and that it should be punished severely - regardless of the age of the bully. This shit needs to stop before yet another gun-related school massacre tragically kills dozens of students somewhere in America (among other things). And if you, the reader has also been affected by bullying, I'm sincerely sorry, and I wish you nothing but the best in your future, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

There is a very common characteristic of a junky. A rail thin, pale faced shell of a human who is wasting away from the inside because of all the damage heroin has done to their body. In fact, this was a very real concern my mother has expressed to me. "Aren't you afraid of all the damage you're doing to your body?" This is a really hard one for the straight world to accept. But the truth of the matter is, heroin - especially when compared to other street drugs - does not cause any damage to the body. It doesn't damage your organs like meth or even alcohol. It doesn't make you lose weight. In fact, if anything is will make you gain weight because it causes a severe sweet tooth. It doesn't prematurely age you. It doesn't overtax your heart or lungs. Heroin does not damage the body at all. And this is not theory. Nor is it up for debate. Countless medical studies have been done that prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Just about every other drug is worse for you than heroin. Cocaine, Vicodine, Cigarettes, meth, alcohol - are all much, much worse for you than heroin. Weed is even more damaging if you consider the negative side effects of the smoke itself. When you consider the fact that heroin was intended to be a medicine, and is still a medicine in other counties, it makes sense. There is very little difference between heroin and the strong opiate pills still prescribed today. Even IV injections are basically harmless. Of course, repeated IV injections that are administered by users who don't practice proper harm reduction can have damaging side effects, like abscesses and collapsed veins. Along those same line, communicable diseases spread by sharing needles can be servery damaging to the body, and even cause death. But all of those health risks can be avoided by responsible users. I am no more at risk than a non-IV drug user, because I never share needles and always use a fresh one with each injection.

Medical experts generally agree that most health concerns associated with heroin use stem from the high-risk "junky" lifestyle that many heroin addicts succumb too. But not all addicts live that type of lifestyle. The ones that do have often run out of other options. They may have a felony after being charged with possession, baring them from most that would pay them enough to support their habit. Even without a felony it's hard to get any jobs when you have track marks. Others just don't feel comfortable co-mingling with the straight world because they know how harshly they are judged. If alcohol was illegal, alcoholics would have to resort to the same things. Although many will flame me for making such a claim and many will likely think I'm a dumb junky who's just trying to justify my irresponsible use, the truth is heroin is not bad for your body. It's the prohibition and subsequent smear campaigns on heroin and its users that pose all the major health threats related to its use. has created the vast majority of the dangers associated with heroin.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, "But people die from heroin every day. What about the risk of overdose?"It's a fair question and actually the topic I would like to talk about next. This is my moms biggest concern with my use. Every time you turn on the news there seems to be another death related to heroin. And it is a legitimate concern and I'm going to that it's not real because it is. But like everything else, it can be avoided. One of the most popular myths about heroin is that it will eventually kill you. Any user who's had a concerning friend try to talk them out of using had heard "Do you want to die early? It will kill you." And while it certain can kill you, it's not like one in every 500 shots of heroin is a loaded hot shot waiting to kill you. There are many contributing factors that cause a heroin related death. And all of them can be avoided by a smart user who is not using heroin as method of slow suicide. First, tolarnce is a major factor. Opiate tolerance builds up quickly and then fades with time once you stop using. One of the reasons my parents haven't tried to throw me in a rehab is because my mom has seen on TV many times celebrities who go to rehab, get out, and then OD shortly after. When she asked why, I told her it was because they were accustom to taking a certain amount and when they get out of rehab, they take they same amount that they used to, but their tolerance has dropped and their bodies can't handle that much anymore. Heroin, like alcohol and benzo's like Xanax, is a central nervous system depressant. It slow down your breathing and heart rate. Too much of this any you stop breathing altogether. When you've been using heroin for a while and your tolerance increases, you need more to achieve the same effects. It's tempting to want to keep increasing your dose so that you still feel the same effects that you felt when you first started. But there is only so much you can depress your heart rate and breath before it just can't go any lower and you die. But even still, this take a lot of heroin. It's extremely rare that heroin over doses happen with just heroin. In almost every single case there is a combination of drugs that contribute to the death, alcohol and benzo's being the most common. There is no real way to accurately calculate your tolerance when you combine drugs. If you are concerned about overdosing on heroin, there are a few things you can do that will practically guarantee it won't happen. 1.) Don't take any amount before building up to it. Meaning, don't take one balloon one day, then the next day decide you want to get really high and take four balloons. 2.) If you take a day or few off, take half as much as you took before you stopped. 3.) If you take a week or more off, start at beginning and take the lowest dose possible. 3.) Never, ever, ever mix depressants with heroin. Period. If all of these rules are followed, you will have basically zero chance of OD'ing.

There are many more misconceptions that I'd like to address, but I’ll address those in another post. Just to be clear, I'm not writing all of this as some sort of endorsement for heroin use. If only for the fact that it's illegal and you could spend time behind bars, I would never suggest that anyone try it. But the fact is, many people are trying it. And many people are addicted to it. And many people have loved ones they are concerned for who addicts. Addiction can be a very terrible thing, not because society say it's wrong to be addicted, but because it can change who you are and it does take away some of your free will, or at your prescription of free will. Many users even believe a lot of the inaccurate hype about heroin and start living and becoming and thinking of themselves as that negative stereotype. If we could strip away all the fluff, all the lies, all the hype, all the stigma, all the negative propaganda, we would be much more equipped to address the actual problems that heroin causes. We would even be able to completely eradicate some of the problems. Heroin is not the devil in a syringe. It's just another opiate medication. We as a society have made it into what it represents today. In this case, perception has been made reality. If we can take a step back and look at just facts, it might help ease the growing concern of the nation. More importantly, I could even help save the lives of people with families who loves them who much of society has written off as nameless faces not worth saving.

his is understandable considering the massive smear campaign that has been launched against is. Everyone has heard stories of the horrible things heroin addicts do to get their hands on it. Most people have heard it described as a total body orgasm. Many addicts will tell you that they'd rather die than not use, and often those who do use it die anyway. Even getting it in your system requires a lot of work. Why would someone want to inject themselves 4, 5, 6, 8, 10 times a day if it wasn't just about the best feeling thing on the plant? With all of the risk people willing to take, extreme behavior and negative side effects users put up with just to get it in their veins , it's got to at least feel great, right? Most people aren't willing to put up with all that. They don't want people to think poorly of them and to be rejected by their friends and family. They're not willing to spill blood just to find out what it's like. They don't want to become addicted. They don't want to risk the legal ramifications. And they certainly don't want to risk death. These are all very legitimate reasons. If only because of addiction, it's a smart choice to never take heroin. But with the rumors and hype and propaganda and outright lies spreading like wildfire, it makes for a very uneducated public. Inevitably facts will be eschewed by hysteria, users will be vilified and heroin itself... well, everyone knows it's the "Devil Drug".

For most, all of that negative press is enough to make them steer clear. But for others, it will be seen as the ultimate milestone, a right of passage that will escalate them into the drug using elite. And still another group just won't believe all the government propaganda and will want to find out for themselves. After all, that's what they said about pot, right? Regardless of personal opinion, I think everybody could benefit from a little education. Because heroin users aren't going anywhere. Misinformation will only leads to unnecessary fear, ineffective policies, (which can perpetuate disease and even death, on top of enforcing an inhumane punitive system), glamorization of the drug to those inclined to rebel, a nationwide health concern, addiction programs that don't work and the complete ostracization of a a fairly large group of our society - which in my opinion the worst thing that can happen in a "civilized" country. If there is be any success in addressing heroin addiction, then there needs to be accurate understanding of heroin and why it causes people to act the way they do. Otherwise, addicts won't be receptive to those trying to help because they won't feel understood. And people attracted to the drug because of the misinformation will be ill-prepared to deal with the consequences once they try it.

So, let's start with the basics. How does heroin make you feel? With all of the hype about this drug, it's got to be the absolute best feeling drug on the planet, right? That total body orgasm that people talk about. It must be a mind-blowingly incredible high, right? Wrong. Heroin has a subtle effect. It can be very disappointing to people who are used to MDMA, THC or even alcohol. It doesn't provide a body buzz even remotely similar to things like ecstasy. And the effects are much more subtle than the all consuming, mind dulling high of weed. Don't get me wrong, the feeling is very nice. But it's just that, nice. If you have zero opiate tolerance whatsoever and have ever taken a Vicodine, you have the basic idea of what heroin feels like. It does just what opiates were created to do. Take away severe pain and give you a sense of general well being. It does that very well. If you like harder drugs like MDMA and are looking for something similar, heroin is not the drug for you. There will be no life changing epiphanies on heroin. There will be no sensual body buzz. There will be no communion with the universe. It dulls pain and it dulls the sense. Period. That's why many people are able to try heroin and decide that it's not the drug for them. In fact, many people experience many negative side effects as well. Nausea is extremely common, as is constipation. For many people who try it, those side effects aren't worth the mild euphoria. So they don't use it again. Heroin users can do a shot and then proceed with their normal day, interacting with society, going to work, having dinner with their family, without anyone being the wiser. The notion that we all lounge around luxuriating in our own skin is completely inaccurate. Try MDMA if that's the experience you're looking for. Even with an IV injection, the rush is nice, and the high is nice. It won't knock your socks off and if you have any experience with other drugs, it will probably be disappointing.

So, why do people keep using it then? Why would people decide to throw their entire lives away, be outcasts of society and risk becoming a slave to the opium poppy because it's just "nice"? For many people, that feeling of "nice" is a very real escape from a terrible reality. Many users really do have terrible pasts they are running from. But not all of us. For others, like me, it provided a much more pleasant alternative than the more socially acceptable drugs. There's no hang over (until you develop a physical addiction), you can take it all day long and still work and accomplish all your daily tasks, because it doesn't give you such an intense high. Sure, when I'm partying I wanted that intense MDMA or meth or whatever buzz. But on a regular basis, heroin - and all opiates for that matter - provide a better alternative than getting mind numbingly plastered. All opiates provide that same feeling. But one of the huge downsides of opiates is that tolerance is rapidly developed, causing pill poppers to keep seeking a stronger and stronger alternative, until they finally find heroin. In addition, opiates are extremely addictive. So while you are building your tolerance, you are also building a physically dependency, which will soon lead to addiction. Addiction is a huge downside of heroin use. I do want to address addiction, but it will require a blog of its own. For now, let's continue with misconceptions.

To continue, turn to my next blog post, Everything You Know About Heroin is Wrong, Pt 2!

sexNcandy said:

Alright, so I have nietzsche's beyond good and evil laying around, i opened it on a random page and started reading passage 51 for no reason... so I went online and found the english verson of no. 51 and pasted it here

http://www.thenietzschechannel.com/works-pub/bge/bge3.htm

51.

So far the most powerful human beings have still bowed worshipfully before the saint as the riddle of self-conquest and deliberate final renunciation. Why did they bow? In him—and as it were behind the question mark of his fragile and miserable appearance—they sensed the superior force that sought to test itself in such a conquest, the strength of the will in which they recognized and honored their own strength and delight in domination: they honored something in themselves when they honored the saint. Moreover, the sight of the saint awakened a suspicion in them: such an enormity of denial, of anti-nature will not have been desired for nothing, they said to and asked themselves. There may be a reason for it, some very great danger about which the ascetic, thanks to his secret comforters and visitors, might have inside information. In short, the powerful of the world learned a new fear before him; they sensed a new power, a strange, as yet unconquered enemy:—it was the "will to power" that made them stop before the saint. They had to ask him — —

Click to expand...

Interesting. Thanks for that. I may look into the rest of this.

I honestly didn't feel connection enough to say how it connected, like I may have attempted to lay down elsewhere, with other things. This could be because I struggled to understand exactly what he (Nietzsche) meant/didn't read all the rest, outside of this passage for context, yet (this is one reason I'm tempted to). Not to say nothing didn't resonate. I may not say what, exactly. Perhaps my own thirst for power or belief that I have more power, might, but this would require that I recognize another as more powerful, as well, as the writing talks about. Or recognizing Saints. Again, I lack full comprehension.

I didn't feel much connection enough to pin it perfectly. Not like things that jump out at me, that I try to lay down.

I saw your message after I rented a movie on Redbox, which I did on the way home from watching Spiderman. The movie I got, Charlie Countryman, I noticed had a bonus movie, though I didn't pay attention/couldn't read the title well in the picture on Redbox's screen. I get home and your message is still on my mind. Its thundering and lightning, lightly, yet powerfully in the distance. The temperature has dropped considerably in the short drive from the theater, home. While picking out the movie is when I noticed it getting chilly. From comfortable and warm stepping out of the theater, to this chill.

Anyways, at home I took the DVD out of the container, and first thought someone put it in wrong, seeing the read side of the DVD facing up. I remembered about the bonus movie then. "Ah". The name of it is A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints. This, I found resonant, to what you had written to me, that I read after I chose the movie.

I began to, and I attempted to keep writing this on my phone, but I had to plug it in as the battery was about to die, and when I plug it in for some reason the keyboard gets less sensitive and I mess up a lot, so I decided to post it here in my blog, on Bluelight, to save it, and then finish editing it on my computer. Plus, I had some more complex style editing to do that I couldn't do on the mobile version.

I went to the kitchen and was going to pour some juice, and started to fill my glass (the only one I use), with water, to rinse it out, as I had left some water in it before. I noticed something inside, and struggled in that moment to remember what I might have put in there, as the water spun in a circle (edit: vortex) within the glass. As it slowed, I saw what this was... A small creature- a spider (edit: upside down). Gold-yellow in color. As it spun, it's legs would go from folded onto itself to sprawled out, to folded on itself, trying to grasp onto something, perhaps. I opened the window, and put it outside, pouring the water out of my glass, with it, and noticing it was now raining. Then I realized I didn't really want to put it outside, and almost went out to fetch it, to bring it back in. But I let it go.