Growing pains? Alone in this world

Everyone is a selfish deluded idiot! Nobody will look twice at this.

Everybody deceives everybody. All I want is to know that I'm not alone. I feel like that even on BL I am alone. Nothing I say seems to interest people, throughout all of my life I have tried to integrate into society. To be 'normal'. Everything I try seems to fail.

Nobody cares about anybody but themselves! This makes me angry! Then I realize that I am not much different sometimes, this scares me. Are there good people out there? Are we all narcissistic? Is altruism only an investment for a possible personal advantage?

Life is one big complexity, we can never know anything as an absolute certainty because our perceptions can deceive us. I can't trust anyone completely. Is this just the way life is? Is it really everyone for themselves? I'm so scared of being hurt again.

I'm in my early 20s. I work full time and I hope to re-enroll in university. I wanted to study Neuropharmacology, recent events however have made me want to just understand the complexity of the human brain.


Psychology - How can I protect myself from this big bad world?


Why do we lie? why do we cheat? Why do we even take drugs? How do they affect our brain chemistry/ physicality/ psychology? We all seem to be slaves to our own psychology, no matter how much we know about it.

I try to connect with people but nobody seems to see things the way I do, and when they do, I don't believe it. They could be trying to use me for their own needs, right? How do I know what and who I can trust?

The sad (and purely pessimistic) thing is that there are so many blogs on here that nobody will likely read all of this or take notice, nevermind think to comment.

If life is just a ride then why has it taken me here?

Why am I a slave to my job? I used to be so anti-conformist! Living on the dole in a rented flat smoking MDPV with close friends who I could trust with my life, now only to find that almost every one of them is either a cheater/ liar or on some form of medication.

Is this just part of growing up? Am I destined to work forever and feel trapped? I was much happier learning from free sources on the internet whilst on the dole, I felt like I was actually progressing as a person. Now I just feel numbed by the conventions of the average working class person.


I can only pray that whatever 'god' or guiding force in this ever so fractile and complex universe can show me a way out.


I can only hope that I'm not alone. I feel socially inept, a bit insane and out of place.

 

Please, just anyone. Tell me I'm not alone . . .

 

About selfishness: I live in America. America's main cultural characteristic is material acquisitiveness. Alan Greenspan, a very powerful person who helped set national policy as former chairman of the Federal Reserve, expressed this fairly well when he famously said "Greed is good" in the 1990s.

The more I have experienced, read, and learned, I've become increasingly disgusted and finally overwhelmed by the cultural ugliness of where I live. I feel like I'm living in the most selfish country in the most selfish era in the history of the world, and I'm filled with a feeling of revulsion toward most (with a few exceptions) of what humanity has done and continues to do.

Though I can't prove this, I think part of it is generational. The group of voting/working age adults who collectively have the most economic/political influence in USA are Baby Boomers. They are referred to as the "Me Generation" because of... you can guess why. Just look at the condition of the world they are leaving us. It doesn't seem like Gen X/Y are as self-centered, but my generation hasn't yet had a chance to prove itself one way or the other. I can't stand to stick around here long enough to find out...but you are finding that Gen X/Y is selfish as well which is a disappointment. To put it simply, PEOPLE SUCK. I couldn't take it any more and had to move to the desert where I can enjoy nature and solitude.

By your diction, I take it that you're probably British. I've never lived there, but it sounds like you're finding that your country isn't very different.

Definitely do go back to uni and get your degree. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being an autodidact, but I think the formal setting of a university with its tight deadlines, exams, and schedule will teach you to discipline yourself and keep you on track. It's a lot easier to slack off when trying to learn on your own online and with books. However you do it, I think education is the only hope.

 

I agree, and thank you. Your reply means more to me than you know