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Walking the path of ignorance

One is inside one's head as well as all around their being
One has resd many a book, they are all seeing
One hears so much yes One also is all hearing
Yet One walks the path of ignorance

One asks so many questions, endless questions
One is aware of the patient ones, the quiet ones, the angry ones
One has listened tirelessly to songs, so many different songs
Yet Still walks the path of ignorance

So much cramming to input much information into the head,
While listening to sounds all around, taking in so much that's being said,
How is this ever possible and what happens to the knowledge when dead?
Still walking the path of ignorance

Categorisation oh categorisation you are so complex like many things in life
Things can't be separated into small pieces, by cutting apart with a knife
For one example is we have more than one wife,
We can't possibly understand,
When walking the path ignorance

Knowledge to ignorance to knowledge is a cycle
When one pays attention the concept is not so dull
The more one walks the more one will see yes they will
Awarenes heightens the visibility of the path of ignorance

Evey 18/5/2016

Basically the more we learn the more we realise we're very much in ignorance. One can never learn enough so one will always be in part, ignorant in comparison to specific knowledge gain. We don't actually use a high percentage of our brain. As one learns new informatiom s/he will become aware of stuff surrounding the mew information that they are very much ignorant to. We cannot possibly explore the whole globe in a life time although we can give it a good try. It is a foolish person who does not realise they're walking the path of ignorance as they travel with the quest for knowledge. To not realise this is conceit n to have conceit is to miss so much by assuming one knows it all. It is man who appears to contain a lack of knowledge with an inquisitive, determined mind who will fill the space with knowledge more quickly than the man who appears full of knowledges n does not seek to search for answers.

The more awareness of ignorance the more information gained n the more information gained the more one realise how truly ignorant they are to the world. Once this has been accepted as fact the quest for knowledge can continue. Just like one big scales of ignorance n knowledge.

Evey

To finish my mumbling in my last entry, white expats- and other older whitemen interested in Filipinas- tell themselves that sexy young
Filipinas are into them because Filipinos respect and value the aged. Sure they do but what does THAT have to do with sex and/or marriage? If it were at all true you would see plenty of May-December romances where both partners are Filipino. It is amazing how self-centered these whitemen are.

That said, almost all Filipinas love white men, at least physically. I thought it was the usual Colonialist:Occupoed paradigm where Filipinas equate white skin with power. As most know, the ultimate aphrodisiac is power. The Spaniards had half a millenia in which they ruled over a closed nation. Most of the nation was akin to North Korea today with its mystique and allure for the adventurous. Inside the Spanish-Occupied nation the Colonialist masters forbade race mixing. To my knowledge only the Philippines and Cueta (Spanish Morocco) had miscegenation regulations. Of course plenty of Spaniards, including Catholic Churchmen flouted this. Also, the Spaniards based their taxation in the Philippines on one's racial categorisation, whith full whites paying no taxes whatsoever. Certainly another real advantage of white skin.

Then, in reading historical records I discovered that white skin was admired by long before Europeans arrived by Filipinos- or rather, the various Austonesian tribes living on the 7-thousand-odd islands who would become known AS Filipinos. The Bukidnon Tribe (there are two disparate groups with the moniker) in the Visayas Region (Central Philippines) picks a young virgin, 4 or 5-years old. She is to be married to a tribal chief. She is trained in all necessary arts and customs but the most fascinating thing to me is that she may not go outside her house until the day she weds. This is to keep her skin white.

In my old BL Journal I once told an anecdote that relates to this theme. A couple of days before flying from Mindanao to NYC to see about getting on Interferon for my HCV (Hepatitis C), we were running short of finished rice. We raised/raise rice and we mill rice. Sometimes though we will get an important customer for our wholesale milled rice. When we are short on stock we purchase from other distributors. Mario, my former father in law- and still a great friend- decided that we would go to Prosperidad, the provincial capital, though this distributor was located deep in the bush.

It was a large order so we took a convoy of our dual axle flatbeds- think Mack tandem dump lorry but instead of the dumpbody it had a flatbed. Imitialy I rode with one of the teams of riflemen. A single flatbed can carry rice worth more than a year's wages for the average Filipino and we were running 10 loads. Ergo we bring 3 teams of heat, soldiers from Guthrie paramilitary which Mario coleads with Colonel Carlos Lademora. However my ex-wife Rizza was driving me batty over my upcoming flight so I hopped in to one of the lorries. As we drove down a dirt track through the jungle we suddenly emerged into a huge rice paddy on both sides of us. There was a Sari Sari, the equivalent of a corner grocery. Despite it being night already the barefoot Filipina of possibly 20-years of age locked onto me and to my astonishment began screaming "Kano! Kano! Kano!!!" - meaning "American but signifying all white skinned men. She actually ran after the lorry!

Since I have been told I am God in several places on Bluelight but do not consider myself a God, I will call myself The Prophet of Dreams for now. I really dropped the ball on the Afghanistan earthquake, I could see an attempt at contact was being made through Bluelight and brushed it off because everyone interferes and blocks my reception of messages. But here is a little something:


Magnitude 5.1 aftershock 6:05 PM UTC Tuesday Afghanistan
Magnitude 5.6 aftershock 12:20AM UTC Wednesday Afghanistan
Tropical low in Indian Ocean develops into a tropical storm Wednesday Oct 28

[PARIS TORNADO SECTION]
Paris Texas Tornado April 16th 2016 6:20P CDTM EF2 tornado - destroys my house
as EF-2 and hits We-Pack as EF-1

#4
Age: 34
Status: Married(rocky)
Scale : 5/10

Picture an anorexic Tina fey, but with way smaller boobs.
And some sort of possible (lol) mental issues

Facts:
Two kids(17, 11)
Square
Smokes (if she smokes she pokes)

So I knew this girl from when ibwas a teenager. Id come into subway all blown out and ask her on dates. So fast forward here we are working at the same job. Flirting and blah blah blah. She's married and I know her husband from back when I was single digits. Small town. Anywho I kept it R rated with the sexy stuff cuz she's married etc. Etc

Rocky marriage like I said. Husband's dippin on her with his baby momma (also know her) so she's not happy. She works on it for a minute. She said something today like "I told xxxxx I want another baby". To which I said " I'll practice putting a baby in you". And it was on.

Shit happened at around 130pm today. So when 330pm (punchout) happened she hopped right in the car. Back to mine to get bizzaaaay. Quick cocktail right into the rough petting. Into the sexy time.

Like I said, anorexic looking gal. She had like barely any titty. Like A at best. Good nipple ratio tho. Like almost between nickle and quarter. Buuut she was boney. I could actually see my dick in her throat lol. She definitely didn't have an ass tonwrite home about. Skinny white girl ass, almost. Tightness was so so. Husband ain't doin it with her. Not all that bad to look at, not what I expected. So we practiced making a baby. Unpro. And the shots was in her mouth and stomach.

I had to remind her its only practice.

Overall sexwise: 7/10*

We matched chemistry really better than expected in the bed. Would smash again.

wellp.
kicked out of the halfway house for not paying my rent, you think places like this would help a motherfucker out by understanding, i guess i was wrong.

i cant help but to laugh about it because i;ve seen the 'worst case scenario.' and to be honest, it isn't that bad.

yeah i might be minus A, as long as I got B. and B isn't anything I know.

so this is it,

peace

Tired again just to confirm previous thoughts. 20mg of peruvian type again produced unpleasant body load.

ive always considered myself a athiest/materialist, in the sense I only believe in what i can see and touch with my own eyes and hands. ive been struggling though latley with the question of why should i contenue living if the only thing i realy have to look forward to is rotting in the ground. How do you make your life feel worthwile when everything seems so pointless. I know i dont want religion the though of following some god just because i dont know whats coming seem ridiculous to me, i just want to find some purpose. I just dont know how.

*waves*
Hey.

I have .5 mg generic klonopin and want to try plugging could there be any complications or perforation of the intestine .

presidential election: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/790609-New-mod-needed?p=13581211&viewfull=1#post13581211

god, you kids get so excited over absolutely nothing. this is just a convenient place to store the link so i don't forget. sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

nfl week 13: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800233-Pick-m-Thread-2016-vs-Tittle-Town-wants-one-more?p=13807415&viewfull=1#post13807415

She almost looks like she's about to strangle the baby. Or maybe she is trying to comfort her after punching her in the mouth for crying.

The original vulture and the little girl for reference (kevin Carter, 1993):

"Gentle and Merciful Lord God, I want to speak with a open and honest heart. Today I ask you to take my sins and the sins of my family into your Merciful heart. I have lived my life in full awareness of the consciousness of my sins. I pray for your mercy and wisdom and mostly for sight to see in full awareness what I have forgotten. Amen"


- Original Author Unknown -

Seeing Ailyn was interesting. I waited for her in a Starbucks in Lapu Lapu, a suburb of Cebu City closer to the airport than the city itself. I hadn't seen her in a bit and seeing her walk in and look around made me smile despite my best efforts to look cool and composed...but then, as she walked towards me with a smile matching mine, she opened her mouth and said,

"I'm leaving for Hong Kong in the morning."

I asked her why and she told me that she had finally landed a job that I had helped her to get with an NGO devoted to demining, removing land mines from former conflict zones. My smile long gone I asked her if there was any chance that she could delay the flight for even a day. She shook her head no and told me that her flight was at 4AM.

I burst into tears like a child, at the same time angry and embarrased for having done so. Ailyn softly told me to come with her and find a hotel. We took a Jeepney, the local form of mass transit,* and after only a kilometer found "The Bellevista." It definitely wasn't a 5 Star but should have been for the price paid. I paid for 2 days, 8,000 Pesos per, almost $90 US per day, in a nation where most make less than $3 US a day.

After 3 hours Ailyn told me that she needed to process some paperwork before her flight but promised to return. She returned to me after dark bringing a Hawaiian pizza from the Philippine chain "Greenwich Pizza." After a bit more of some "quality time" her youngest sister, age 18, called. Ailyn told me that the girl had never been in a hotel and asked me whether I'd mind her coming to stay the night with us. As there were twin beds I thought it a fair opportunity to meet a member of Ailyn's family that I had never seen.

The little sister came at almost 10PM and after excitedly texting her friends about her first visit to a hotel she fell asleep in the other bed. Ailyn and I spent the rest of the night "saying goodbye," despite the other sister being a meter away.

230AM came far too fast. Strangely, Ailyn said she'd go with her sister to the airport but that since she didnt like emotional goodbyes, I should just stay at the hotel. At the time I didnt ponder it too much. I had that giddy feeling, as if I really was falling in love. It was only afterwards that I would begin to wonder about the strange co-incidences that had taken place during my 8 hours with Ailyn.

* Jeepneys were originall surplus WWII Willys Jeeps with their drive shafts extended to the point that they were as long as small schoolbusses. Painted in garish colours and christened with fabulous names like "Sex Champion" or "Rooster of Light" they fufilled the role of public transportation. Nowadays those are almost extinct and the new Jeepneys are made in the factory and rarely have anything but a solid paint job.

When it comes to affairs of the heart I am the epitome of a sad sap. Case in point, picking up where I left off in my previous post...

Layimh in the hotel bed I still smelled Ailyn's perfume. I have a traditional Jewish upbringing. I was not even allowed to speak with female first cousins since the age of 8. As I approached my twelth birthday I was enrolled in a Command Boarding School. These are schools in Israel wheee children are trained for military careers. On my sixteenth birthday I was inducted into the IDF as a First Sergeant. Even most Israelis do not realise that the IDF inducts soldiers younger than age 18. Today these inductions only take place in the IDF's C41 and AMAN (prinarily Unit #8200) formations (C41 is the info-computer web that connects all cogs in the IDF military machine and AMAN is IDF Intelligence. Unit #8200 is AMAN's largest sub-formation and deals with SIGINT). In my day though these inductions took place in top tier combat fornations, in my case Tzanchanim, Paratroopers.

I entered the army a total virgin, not even live letters. Around my 17th birthday I had an arranged marriage and was lucky in that she was neither a first cousin nor a niece, the latter being the ideal match. I had plenty of female relatives but I was a Paratrooper and we were at war. Noone wanted common cannon fodder like myself pairing off with one of their virgins and then dying without having created any sons. The point in getting into my far less than fascinating romantic travails is to illustrate how, at age 49, I an anything but a dashing leading man-type of a bloke. To put it bluntly, I am well into middle age and have never experienced romantic love.

Of course I have come close and at least two occasions felt that I MIGHT in fact be in love only to find out I was dumb as a doornail when it came to affairs of the heart. One of those two experiences was with Jackielou, which I discussed in the old BL Blogs in great detail when it transpired close to a decade ago. The second? Ailyn...

Later that morning, after Ailyn and her sister had left, I went to take a shower and alarming discovered a very large bruise across my abdomen of the kind seen with internal bleeding. For the life of me I couldnt figure out how it had occurred. The Bellevista threw in a free breakfast buffet and so I took the lift down to the lobby. It was the usual cheap nonsense, sliced dragojfruit and sliced- bland- pineapple. I cannot speak upon the rest of the buffet but can very safely say that the rest of the spread failed to even come near to middlin quality of the fruit.

Dejectedly trying to nibble away a the bland fruit on my plate I scanned the room and it was a predictable scene. Almost all the tables were occupied by overweight older whitemen and very attractive Filipinas in their late-teens and early-20s. In the Philippines white men are rockstars. Wherelse could fringedwellers on the dole wity beer bellies and serious personal problems score a gorgeous and exotic lover who makes him the centre of her existence? Of course should he be so stupid as to bring his sexy Filipina home with home the game is over, checkmate, fold up the board.

A semi-interesting aside. Years ago I used to post on expat websites. Days can be boring on Mindanao in between bputs of malaria, dengue, ebola and fending off murderous cult militias and Maoists wh roam the jungles. So it is the internet that helps me pass time. On such a website a poster asked about the reason why so many old white nen ended up with nubile young Filipina. I almost fell out of my chair laughing withan answer thsta"1- cmm

But I am sad today. I am sad because my friend whom i do business with got busted during a robbery investigation, he wasnt the robber just the "drug dealer" they didnt know lived next door. I know he will be ok in the end and will most likely avoid jail time but thats not what bothers me. What bothers me so is I never got to say how thankful i truly am for what he did.

Before we met my now ex g/f but still my best friend and i were IV heroin addicts. We had the typical IV heroin addict story, broke constantly trying to get money anyway we can. She was depressed and at worst suicidal i had completely lost direction in a sense. There was a time shortly before i met him that we were on methadone struggling to stay clean then one day i went to a show with the intent of finding molly. I found someone who would later introduce me to the only real friend ive made in a while.

Its funny because i always felt that it was all supported by pillars of sand and that at any point it could change. Its not the idea that i may have to source or pay more but does he even know how important his role was in 2 peoples recovery? I never told him that before we met we were so into heroin that I held my now ex g/f who overdosed in a drug den begging her to come back crying not to be left alone and how we were both so lost i didnt think there was a way out. It just so happened we met a friend and were able to resume smoking copious amounts of weed right when we needed it most that methadone worked. Through his friendship the girl i love grow more confident and started coming out to shows with us and enjoying her life more. Its because of him that we have the lives we do now.

How do you tell someone that its probably because of them that you have focus and direction back how through nothing more then friendship we were able to change our destiny. Its one thing to get clean its another thing to pick up a new life new friends and new activities... he facilitated all that provided a place we were welcome and never judged us. Hell he never even really asked left me around enough shit to feed my former heroin addiction for a few days and never wondered if i would disappear. He only asked a few times what it was like to shoot dope and smoke crack he is a very kind and understanding person.

I owe my life to the one single event that made us meet, how do you tell someone that. I just wish i could say "if you ever see me as a famous person down the road please know its only because i met you that my life got fixed, only because you embodied the same ideas i do and have the same fun loving and caring personality that i do. How can someone whose never had to beg for money and steal understand the life that he managed to stop just by being who he is... I just wish i got to tell him how thankful i was to meet him.

This ones for you T, whether we see each other again or not you were crucial in all of what i have now. Anything i ever do now i have you to thank for in a sense. You restored my faith in myself and humanity.

1P-LSD



3-MEO-PCP (though I already know based on my experience with ketamine and MXE that this one will be disastrous on my mental health for well over a month, most likely, even if I didn't overdose)

&



MMDA-METHCATHINONE

If I had the extra cash lying around, I'd probably try to buy all three. Instead, I spend all my extra money on ice methamphetamine.

1P-LSD



3-MEO-PCP (though I already know based on my experience with ketamine and MXE that this one will be disastrous on my mental health for well over a month, most likely, even if I didn't overdose)

&



If I had the extra cash lying around, I'd probably try to buy all three.

1P-LSD



3-MEO-PCP (though I already know based on my experience with ketamine and MXE that this one will be disastrous on my mental health for well over a month, most likely, even if I didn't overdose)

&



If I had the extra cash lying around, I'd probably try to buy all three.

BENZOIC ACID



AMPHETAMINE



4-HYDROXYMETHAMPHETAMINE



4-HYDROXYAMPHETAMINE

3-hydroxylation of methamphetamine and its metabolites does not generally occur, and neither does deamination to 1-phenyl-2-propanone.

In a urine sample taken 24 hours after the ingestion of methamphetamine, about 1% will consist of 4-OH-methamphetamine, about 50% unchanged methamphetamine, and with the rest consisting of benzoic acid. The other metabolites shown above are minor.

Rain makes



EPHEDRA

Ephedra makes



METHAMPHETAMINE

And ice methamphetamine is all you need.

So today is yet another boring day at my desk job at a failing small business. Dont get me wrong we are doing everything we can to stay but I do customer service mostly and theres a direct correlation between crap sold and work for me so yeah, no garbage out equals no garbage in makes less phone calls.

Anyway I feel like I am approaching a critical point in my life. With all of these changes occurring in fast order its almost like for once i dont know what tomorrow will be like. That might sound hard to accept to people but this is a former heroin addict talking so yeah days that dont repeat the same cycle are always welcome.

Lately I have had more projects going on then I can keep up with. Its all basically extractions of compounds found in plants but its a lot of work when your doing 2 at once and some other silly things, making wine trying to grow lavender to make lavender oil eventually as well as various inorganic chemistry... sometimes i wake up at 630am so i can work in the lab before i have to get ready for work at 9 only to come back at 630pm and stay in there till 9pm. And since its straight forward motion all projects are creating messes that are piling up so that looks bad and is just unorganized. But I dont think anyone gets just how fulfilling it is to to watch progress happen so i could probably sit there and "watch the lavender grow" just like i tell people when i do anything in chemistry its largely "watching water boil" but thats exciting shit for me.

I cant wait for the summer as it makes the first year single in 6 years coupled with 0 addiction to heroin/crack the first time im not an alcoholic and single the first time i have a lab of decent size probably spent a grand on it so far, the first time im good enough at home made gun powder to maybe make some stuff for the 4th of july. Once i let go of methadone i literally had nothing binding me anymore for the first time if i want to walk off into the woods for 2 weeks i wont get sick and i wont feel like im leaving my g/f behind. I am infinitely thankful her and i are still best friends...

So much so we went to a datsik set together and she absolutely loved that shit. She was always a goth/metal head in high school and for 6 years we were together i couldnt get her to come to shit because it wasnt her music she claimed, comes to the club with me on my bday when we arent dating (she is my best friend after all) and she had a great time there so she chose to come to datsik too. There was mosh pits and sampling from metal songs Eminem, god if it wasnt a show tailor made for who she was. She said to me "i didnt know electronic music was like that!" i didnt either. I am happy because this also means she will come out with me more. She was always depressive and socially shy but now we can all change who we are now. I was worried she would have gotten over her heroin addiction but still never made the large changes needed to lock that shit in the past.

Good days are on the horizon... i think. I have also learned to be cautious and have realistic expectations but I couldnt have predicted any of this shit last year so i am optimistic about this whole thing.'

Plus in 1 weeks time i am going to FL to visit my friend and go to "tipper and friends" I havent left the state in forever and have never gone on a plane alone and havent seen my friend in 6 years... since before i got into heroin and we went to ultra in 2010 all those years ago.

I'm here still, yet a million thoughts pass me by.
I'm locked within a dark room, there's a light but way too high.
Outside, there are people,
Long to join them yet here I am, sitting still
I long to join them n be included
But I feel they want me so I hid

Lonely yet people, there are many.
I long to feel include yet I fear them
I wish to be amongst their chatter yet I don't feel worthy
So I crawl away, make my excuses
I'll try again another day
I just want to be included but that will never be
You see they don't want people like me

It's dark outside, yet lights are many
I peer throuvh the pane and see
I see them together, chatting n laughing
I am on the outside looking in
I walk outwardly silent, always calm n silent
Inside I am screaming, battling, in torment

I just want to be included but will never be
You see they don't take people like me
My heart aches to be included, loved n wanted,
But that's just a dream I feel taunted
Fear it so i reject
Possible opportunities I neglect
I just want to be included but that will never be
Bevause they simply don't want people like me

I cannot try I know it wont work
So I watch, feeling isolated I watch n I lufk
Full of comfidence n laughter they seem so happy
More than I could ever be
You see they don't want people like me

Frustating when what you want you also near
Standing from afar I'm never too near
I see them n I hear their laughter
With them n besides them I csnnot ever be
Because they do not want me like me

Evey 16/04/2016

Man I don't even know where to start for real. Like On the one hand I am doing really well and making progress on the other hand I am stagnate and regressing. I have made real progress dealing with my childhood trauma and my addiction to drugs. On the other hand I have made no progress on my depression and suicidal ideation. I shower maybe once a week its a struggle just getting to the methadone clinic everyday. I just lay around eat, play xbox, and read stuff on the internet. I don't really have any motivation to do anything else. I just feel like I am not cut out for this planet. I feel like a burden on my family who must pay for all my medical expenses which are running at around 700 dollars a month due to how expensive mdone is here. I try to show them I care by doing the dishs and little stuff around the house but I often don't feel up to the task of doing those chores.

I haven't always been like this. I used to have a social life. I went to school and sometimes held a job. I went to concerts and music festivals. Hell I even used to shower everyday. I wish I could point to one singular event which triggered but its been more of a slow decline.

Anyway my therapist has given me the assignment of answering 2 questions
.
1. Why would someone want to be in my life?

2. Why do I want to live?

My first reaction too both questions is fuck if I know? But I am going to try a little harder I guess.

So why would someone want to be in my life? I am generous and will go out of my way for a friend without asking for anything in return. In short I am a good friend I offer emotional support and whatever practical support I can. I am loyal most of my friends are people I have known for many years. I can also be fun to hang out with as I am open to doing activities other people want to do with no complaint. I guess the gist of it is I have a big heart.

The question of why I want to live is harder to answer but I will try and these are not in any particular order of importance I don't think. I don't want to hurt my mother by dying. I am her only child, her world really and I don't think she would cope with my demise. I want to see the Eagles win the Super bowl. I want to go to Burning Man. I want to see Moscow especially Vladimir Lennons mummified corpse. I want to see Paris, Rome, and Berlin. I want to catch a premier league game in England. I want to see a Formula 1 race live. I want to fall in love. I want to do lots more drugs. I want to help people. I want to be involved in a revolution. I want to go skydiving. I want to make my mom proud.

That's a longer list of reasons to live than I thought it would be. I don't know I feel like I am at war with my own brain. I have this voice up there telling me I will never be well enough to hold a job or find love. Then I have all these people telling me I have all this potential and shit. That I just need to get it together and everything will magically be better. And I am just paralyzed.

So I think of the third option. Death. Maybe everyone would be better off without me around? Maybe my mom would eventually get over my death? Maybe she would get into activism and save the lives of hundreds of more deserving people. Maybe me sacrificing my life really would be for the greater good? Just a thought.

I'm getting my license back soon after 9 and a half years.:D Alcohol related, but should have had it way sooner, but either way it's gonna be awesome. Gonna be so grateful for that shit, no d4iving gets REALly damn old after awhile. Already have a car as well, so that's taken care of, should only be like a week

Ffff