Blogs

Apologies for the self-indulgent poem. This is the story of my meth addiction (Meth is called Tina where I am from). The poem is intended to be read in the tone of "'Twas a Night before Christmas", it makes a very harrowing story a lot more light-hearted.

Thanks for reading, if you do...

- PART ONE -​

This tale is a warning, about a vice and its woe,
​

Of the lesson I learnt, and the ones yet to know.​

See, the end is unwritten, might be my final farewell,
​

To the good and the bad, to the heaven and hell.​

But the tale should be told, and so I’ll commence,
I’ll be open and honest and try not cause offence.​

The whole story started less than eighteen months ago,
With me overweight, out-of-shape and my self-esteem low.​

I was awkward and sad but was so sick of my lot,
I’d work out to get thin; it was no novel plot.

But this time I did it. Lost the kilos: twenty-three,
An aesthetic success! But a shock lay waiting for me.​

What I discovered to my horror, when the fat had all gone,
It wasn’t why I’d been unhappy, I’d been mistaken all along.​

When you can’t blame the depression on the layers of fat.
Scapegoat’s gone, veil’s been lifted – now its time to face facts.​

I had hated myself. For which, there’s no easy cure.
But I'd never have guessed what I was about to endure.​

- PART TWO -​

My grim realisation was not as clear as it is now
It’s taken time and reflection to solve the why and how​

So superficial I was that the weight-loss pleased me,
My new body confidence brought me much glee.​

It took a short step in learning that when building your self-worth up,
Needn't do it yourself, if others will do it - you're in luck.​

The more notches you make, the more of them like you,
Each stamp of approval means you’re worth something too.​

But this trick doesn’t work, it’s short shrift at best,
Such validation’s unstable and needs constant redress​

All that matters in this system is that they want you,
No connection required, don't need your desire too.​

Soon I became an object, a thing merely of which you approve,
Such validation is addictive, not before long it consumes you.

This game is never over, the self-worth is never won,
For approval this fleeting, this shallow has soon gone.​

Your entire self-worth crashes right down to the ground,
By one mild-mannered rejection, a snide comment or frown.​

It soon left me quite hollow, couldn’t have liked myself less,
How could finding some comfort possibly worsen this mess?​

But hand in hand with this issue - there's a darker reveal,
A vice with such danger, it barely seems real.​

PARTS THREE, FOUR AND FIVE TO FOLLOW...

Sean Penn directed a film about him. Numerous books have been dedicated to his memory. Article after article, in various magazines all over the country, have been written about him. Only 24 years old. Already a legendary figure. People either ridicule or call him a fool. Experienced hunters & alpinists claim he was ill prepared to survive alone in Alaska. Why do so many people think his story not worthy of all the attention.? Yet what's the fascination that Christopher McCandless aka Alexander Supertramp holds for so many others?. Such as myself.
I first read about this in the mid 90's. I can't speak for others but I can tell you what I find captivating about him: his death. I was disturbed to find out that this young man in the prime of his life so full of promise & conviction died in such desolation. Completely alone in an abandoned bus. He starved to death. I'll tell you his story in a brief synopsis.
Chris was born to a good middle class family. He was a star athlete in school. On the honour roll. Popular & extremely intelligent he chose a very unusual way of life apon graduation. His family gave him a trust fund of over 30,000 & all the oppourtunities to become successful. Instead he chose to completely drop out of regular society. Cut all ties with his family. Burn or give away his entire fortune. Change his name & became a vagabond. Traveling all over the US & canada to discover himself. That's not so unusual but chris was somewhat different in the sense that he wasn't afraid to live a solitary life. He dreamt of moving to Alaska. To live off the land, completely alone . To fend for himself, forage for his food, & brave the desolate, deep, wilds of cold & inhospitable wilderness


The Following excerpts are taken from Wikipidia

In April 1992, McCandless hitchhiked from Enderlin, North Dakota, to Fairbanks, Alaska. McCandless was last seen alive at the head of the Stampede Trail on April 28, 1992, by a local electrician named Jim Gallien. Gallien had given McCandless a ride from Fairbanks to the start of the rugged track just outside the small town of Healy. Gallien later said he had been seriously concerned about the safety of McCandless (who introduced himself as "Alex"), after noticing McCandless' light pack, minimal equipment, meager rations, and obvious lack of experience. Gallien said he'd had deep doubts about "Alex"'s ability to survive the harsh and unforgiving Alaskan bush.Gallien repeatedly tried to persuade McCandless to defer the trip, at one point offering to detour to Anchorage, and buy him suitable equipment and supplies. However, McCandless ignored Gallien's persistent warnings and refused his offers of assistance (though McCandless did accept a pair of Wellington boots, two sandwiches, and a packet of corn chips from Gallien). Gallien dropped McCandless off believing McCandless would head back towards the highway within a few days as hunger set in.

After hiking along the snow-covered Stampede Trail, McCandless came upon an abandoned bus (about 28 miles (45 km) west of Healy), alongside an overgrown section of the trail near Denali National Park, where he set up camp and attempted to live off the land. He had 4.5 kilograms (9.9 lb) of rice, a Remington semi-automatic rifle with 400 rounds of .22LR hollowpoint ammunition, a number of books, including one on local plant life, some personal effects, and a few items of camping equipment. Self-portrait photographs and journal entries indicate he foraged for edible plants and hunted game. McCandless hunted porcupines, squirrels, and birds, such as ptarmigans and Canada geese. On June 9, 1992, he stalked and shot a moose. However, the meat spoiled within days after McCandless failed to properly preserve it.


It has been speculated that McCandless may have been responsible for vandalizing several cabins in the area that were stocked with food, survival equipment, and emergency supplies. In response, Denali National Park Chief Ranger Ken Kehrer, has categorically stated that McCandless was not considered a viable suspect by the National Park Service.

McCandless' journal documents 113 days in the area. In July, after living in the bus for three months, he decided to head back to civilization, but the trail was blocked by the swollen Teklanika River; the watercourse by that stage was considerably higher and swifter than when he'd crossed in April. McCandless did not have a detailed topographical map of the region and was unaware of a hand-operated tramway that crossed the river eight-tenths of a mile away from where he had previously crossed. At this point, McCandless headed back to the bus and re-established his camp. He posted an S.O.S. note on the bus, which stated:

“ Attention Possible Visitors. S.O.S. I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out. I am all alone, this is no joke. In the name of God, please remain to save me. I am out collecting berries close by and shall return this evening. Thank you, Chris McCandless. August?"

DEATH

McCandless' final written journal entry, noted as "Day 107", simply read, "Beautiful Berries." The days 108 through 113 contained no words and were marked with only slashes.
On September 6, 1992, a hunter who was looking for shelter for the night came upon the converted bus McCandless had been staying in. Upon entering, he smelled what he thought was rotting food and discovered "a lump" in a sleeping bag. The hunter quickly radioed police, who arrived the following day. They found McCandless' decomposing body in the sleeping bag. He had died of starvation sometime in August.

LEGACY

The converted bus where McCandless lived and died has since become a well known destination for hikers. Known as "The Magic Bus", the 1946 International Harvester was abandoned by road workers in 1961 on the Stampede Trail where it remains today. A plaque in McCandless' memory is affixed to the interior.
McCandless' life became the subject of a number of articles, books, films and documentaries, which helped elevate his life to the status of modern myth. He became a romantic figure to some inspired by what they see as his free-spirited idealism, but to others a controversial misguided figure."The Magic Bus" has become a pilgrimage destination for trekkers who camp at the vehicle, some of whom have also gotten into difficulties due to the Teklanika River.

You know that's on my bucket list. But I don't call it that though....bucket list. You get what I mean; it's one of the places I wanna visit in my lifetime - along with the base of Mount Everest, Great Wall of China, The Amityville Horror House,Hong Kong, Niagra Falls,Aushwitz concentration camp in Poland, New York, Hollywood,South America, Palmyra Island,Highway Of Tears,Las Vegas,Paris,Annes secret annex in Holland,Rome, and where Joan of Arc was born or burnt at the stake.

My dream is too hit a giant power ball lottery where I can cash out like 150 million with cash all at once option. I would give my mom 15 million. My father 10 million. Then a million or so apiece to people who have been there for me through my addictions and mental health issues.

After that done I would devote my time to running a non profit organization. At the start it would be small me and a couple friends running a underground needle exchange here in Birmingham where its illegal. When you got 100 million to play with the law will look the other way if done right. As I figured out what the hell I was doing the non profit would branch out into serving meals, temporary housing, counseling ect. Man so much good could be done and that would make me feel so happy.


Shit I can dream right.

- This blog was referenced from (and inspired by) a series of documentaries on mind-altering substances, human anatomy, and the war on drugs.

- The titles of the documentaries in question are written below the blog's main body.

- I just want to apologize in advance for my obtuse grammar (but worth the read if you have time, at least I hope so)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone must understand, that as long as human beings continue to exist, there will always be a demand for mind-altering substances. And as such, there will always be someone desperate enough to attempt to supply these substances, regardless of the possible consequences including capital punishment.

Whoever you are, you can continue to attempt to stop these substances from being available for purchase, but you will never succeed. And I would hope that after a century of countless politicians and bureaucrats trying to do the exact same thing, others would realize that it is beyond futile to continue.

Therefore, if you cannot stop it from happening, and, trust history (if not myself) in that you seriously cannot, why not take it over and regulate it?

By doing this, ironically, you'd actually be saving lives instead of enabling addicts to further destroy themselves - at least in the long run, which is appropriate, as habitual drug use (addiction) is an extremely complicated issue which cannot be solved by the overwhelmingly popular 'quick-fixes' that tend to dominate so many political and bureaucratic responses to societal issues.

Do you really think it's so wrong for people to sell drugs if they aren't sanctioned by Big Brother? Regardless of how you may feel about this, you should know that drug use is actually part of what makes us human, which brings me to the following rhetorical question:

What is it about the pursuit of pleasure that compels us to risk our health - our lives even - in order to achieve it?

Well, without these pleasures that come with various activities in life, frankly, most of us would quickly become miserable, unmotivated, and a burden to society - or "dead weight" if you prefer.

A life without pleasures would quickly progress to a stagnant existence, which wouldn't feel like living at all.

Science tells us that, with any pleasurable activity in life, the brain begins releasing dopamine - even before it's begun - in anticipation of the upcoming experience (which results in a mild high).

This mild high manifests itself in various ways depending on the activity in question. As an example, the thought of eating cheesecake makes my mouth water, and the thought of going to a rave gives me butterflies in my stomach, where as, the thought of sleeping with a certain someone gets me sexually aroused.

Any pleasurable activity whatsoever will also carry with it a degree of risk. As a result, while the dopamine is being released in anticipation of the experience, the amygdala - the brain's primordial panic button - is also being pressed at the same time in response to the risk associated with the activity in question, with the intensity of this panic (or fear) varying depending on the activity.

As an example, this is precisely why a couple - who hours ago, met at a bar and decided that they want to have sex - will typically be wondering about whether their potential mate has a disease which can be transmitted through sexual intercourse. The fear, the pleasure, the potential risks - all these competing signals get processed into action.

And as each person's dopamine bombards their brain(s), their motivation for pleasure may overwrite their fear of the risks involved. If it was the other way around, the sex would be called off - meaning that the amygdala "pushed the panic button hard and fast enough" that it made them decide the risk ain't worth the possible pleasures in unprotected fucking if the consequences include possible life-long infection with a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

It is this motivation for pleasure which makes a human being inevitably decide whether to consume a mind-altering substance. And it is this motivation for pleasure which is highly susceptible to influences by feelings of despair, acute or chronic pain, hopelessness, suffering, oppression, racism, bullying, peer pressure, and so forth.

The problem with our pleasures in life is that, as with everything which we perceive as a unique experience, with each repetition, we become desensitized to whatever it is that makes it pleasurable. This desensitization varies in amount depending on the activity and experience.

In other words, when we look at what happens in the brain, we see that on repeated exposures to pleasures - whether it's food, drinks, sex, drugs, etc. - we've observed that the dopamine response gets a little bit less with each repetition.

So, each time we repeat a pleasurable activity, we get a little less "bang for the buck."

This leads thrill seekers to increase the risk in order to chase the pleasurable effects (or high) - whatever their thrill seeking may be (e.g. extreme sports, drugs, sex, etc.)

This is why, for drug users, (in simple terms) they eventually require more and more of the same substance in order to maintain the same level of euphoria or euphoric effects - alcohol included.

It has become evident that novelty is a really big jolt for the dopamine system.

And so, when we look at any activity which has a reputation for being a thrilling experience, the activity in question typically tends to be a mixture of pleasure + risk, which, believe it or not, has been shown to maximize the pleasure response.

And that mixture of (pleasure + risk) + (novelty factor - diminishing returns) is what provokes a maximized dopamine release, but also makes it addictive or habit forming.

In other words, by keeping things new and fresh (or different), it keeps the dopamine rush consistently high.

This applies to everything, not just drugs!

Experiment for yourself if you disagree.

Eventually, you'll find that your favorite type of food will make you gag if you eat enough of it, and, for a prolonged period of time.

Even with something as necessary to life as plain drinkable water, you will find that, eventually, you'd do anything to get your hands on a flavored beverage.

It doesn't stop with food though. The same sex position with your partner, or, the same porn over and over again eventually becomes less pleasurable as well - to the point where you cannot become sexually aroused enough to achieve orgasm.

Sadly, this may also be the reason why drug law enforcement organizations such as the DEA are defying their government's orders to stop going after marijuana in states which have legalized its medical usage.

Considering how defiant Michelle Leonhart has been towards Uncle Sam, it's hard to believe that they aren't addicted to the thrill of going after "bad guys" because some may be violent and/or armed. And once they do make a bust, their dopamine system kicks in as well.

A further motivation for their insubordination is most likely due to the law pertaining to seizure of property from such "bad guys" which they may perceive as their rightful (and sometimes very lucrative) plunder.

In any case, scientists believe that humans find danger-seeking pleasurable because it's been necessary to our evolution.

"If humans didn't take risks," they say, "we'd still be living in caves!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Assuming you had the time to read through that poorly proofread mess (for which I thank you), what's your opinion on the topic of pleasure-seeking being part of who we are?

And do you believe that the controlled substance-using minority of pleasure seekers deserve to be treated as equals with respect to consumers of tobacco/nicotine products and/or alcoholic beverages?

Notable Documentary Acknowledgements:
---------------------------------------------------
- National Geographic Drugs Inc.
- Ecstasy Rising
- The House I Live In
- How to Make Money Selling Drugs
- History Channel - The Human Brain
- History Channel - The Human Body

Hiya everyone

Well today is day 4. Such a beautiful day. Blue sky, the air feels fresh. Ibstill feel tired. Had a coffee. Had my sertaline n my 1.6 mg subutex. I think we're going to go outside today will take lilvibe outbto park n get some vitamine D.

Feelings are setting in for the last 6 months n I know I have to make amends with family n loved ones for the things I did. I am kinda scared of doing that n not sure on how I go about doing it. I'm just going to take things one day at a time. Build my strength up n start writing again. Writing always helped me somehow.

Going to start helping others in the same boat as me. If we can motivate each other n hold each other up when one of us is falling, that be good. I've had some strange dreams lately. I won't be doing drugs again. Once I have got off subs Inwant to abstain from everything n properly recover from what I've done to myself. I will keep documenting my blog with the hope that it will helpmothers.

Oneards n upwards.

Love you, Bluelighters

Evey

With the new work of MAPS & other excellent research organizations, it's becoming clear that psychedelics/empathegens with the correct intent & therapy can not just treat "talk therapy" persistent depression/PTSD but lead to cures. My experience with psilocybin has been clearly such a case. Taking 1.5+ to 3 grams of dried Psilocybe shrooms I am shortly after they kick in, relief is complete.

Oh hi there it's been awhile.
Apparently I now only like blogging milestones huh?
I have loved my lovely swinger friends/best friends for awhile now and just kinda kept to myself bc I felt no mutual feelings existed. Wrong!
So stuff came to surface and well Kris does love me. OMG. I straight up asked him through text a few days prior to finding out and he would dance around the answer I was looking for...Me:Do you have feelings for me? Kris: I don't know, I mean yeah as a group thing yes.
He would never single me out, ever. As I didn't understand why bc I know he's not in love w my Husband, as they are both straight men. So that was frustrating.So anyways, I tell a friend about my situation and well she called it exactly like a play by play....She said yea when he gets you alone he is going to tell you to your face that he loves YOU. I thought meh, doubt it.

So another huge step in the whole 4 person relationship, Kris asks Patrick if he wanted to just hang w Keri alone (his wife) and me and Kris be alone hanging out and their would be no rules of any kind and it was going to be an overnight thing, so Patrick says sure. Which surprised me. So I am getting ready to leave to head to Kris' and I'm a bit nervous and the closer I get the worse it gets, but it really is a good kind of nervous. I pull in and get out, walk in the door.....Lay eyes on him, and just think , oh woah this is really happening, I was so happy to see him and he texted he missed me on the way to his house and he was wearing one of my favorite shirts, which didn't help my giddiness. And he kissed me first thing! OMG! At this point I am dying sooooo much. I sit down and my heart is racing, and a little later when the kids went to bed, we talk a little and start getting to all my questions and he was like I wanna tell you somethin, look at me. Better yet, straddle me. I did, and he fuckin said word for word...."I love you Sam." OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I'm so smitten at this point! It could not get any better, not at all. What a fuckin sweetheart! I'm grinning ear to ear! So we make up for what seems like such a short time, and then explained that we love each other in different ways than we do our spouses. We is awesome bc we are on the same page.Damn, I'm so fuckin complete now.

Fast forward, to the mind blowing sex! Not even the word for! We wrestle around in bed for a little bit and he forces my clothes off which I am super self conscious about my body, so I was a tad uncomfortable, he says he will make me cum first and then we can fuck after he pleasures me orally and might I add, I can hardly ever cum by being eaten out, but he puts that statement to shame, bc it didn't take long at all for that to happen! He is so gifted at eating my pussy. After I cum, he mentions oh wait I thought you couldn't cum that way? Probably helps that I am sooooo fuckin hot for him!
Then he wants to play a game w me. Which includes being tied to his fucking headboard and blindfolded, it was hard bc I hate my body and I was completely naked and I was not allowed to talk, and he really put me in my place by smacking the fuck outta me when I did... I got called a good girl.He was thrusting in me so hard and his rhythm was on point , then proceeds to fuck me in the ass, so fucking hard...at this point I've came 3 times, then forces me to ride him, which I am new at doing bc of my body issues and I have no rhythm it seems, but he changed that, I bounced off his rhythm to get me started, and his self control of him not cumming is amazing! I am making him moan while I am on top at this point, which is a super turn on , and I proceed to tell him to "fill me up" he has no condom on but yes I am on birth control, but app this is a the one no no per his wife bc I am a ripe 26 yr old. This dirty talk is driving us both nuts and I keep repeating to him to "fill me up" (I 've never made a guy cum while I am on top) so then after a good hour of fucking , he cums in me, while I am riding his hard cock. And WOW, the thought is in my head currently and turning me on now. Then you know what happens next? We cuddle OMG , my husband is not really a cuddler so this was a cherry on top....We lay in bed and talk for a bit, and then go in the living room and sit on the couch only to be naked again in about another hr....Mmmmmhmmmm, and fucks me in the ass some more and chokes me so hard w his shirt. God damn, take me back. I suck his dick for him to cum in my mouth, and I swallow it all, it's his favorite. We cuddle more and just have good conversation about a lot of things. I really enjoyed it so much and then he says you are going to sleep in my bed tonight young lady and I did, the whole damn night. So amazing, take me back, I loved it and I love him, and now he knows it. Its mutual and now this whole 4 way relationship can move forward, like I wanted it to , and about a yr ago I did not think it would.

I got Kris alone for one night. I was actually able to borrow him, and I never thought that would happen. Wishful thinking paid off. The night wasn't long enough. I want more. He said I plan on fucking you 3 or four times tonight Samantha, and get no sleep at all for work. Omg, that just fucking sounded so right! Take me back, I want you again, all to my fucking self, you fucking sexy man you! God damn, best sex of my life.
8 orgasms in one night, it's fucking possible!
Throbbing again just thinking about him tying me up again.
Fuck me Kris, fuck me again.

Was exhausted most of the day.

Had a protein shake.

Then 2 scones with nutella, a mocha n a pint of water.

Slept for awhile

Had a pizza not very healthy but no energy for the supermarket.

I didn't go to clay club but will start going next week when my energy has returned. Its a lot of energy typing on this phone.

I will get through this n then I can help others through n battle their addictions.

The monkey wont win.

Back to bed. More sleep

Love ye all

Evey

Well I have checked the last bag of 3-FPM away with no access to anymore... And on 7th June I go from 1.6 mg subutex to 1.2mg I want off this stuff now I want to be able to take my little one on holidays without worrying about getting enough subutex script or when to take it.. 3-FPM has been a mistake but at least I can help others now so there's a positive in every negative... People warned me against taking it and I never listened because I didn't feel in control and was rebelling against this... I realise that I did not really want Recovery when I went onto the Suboxone programme (under 2 mg they give you subutex/Buprenorphine which come in 0.4mg).

I want to become the person I was in 2012... I never could because I was never ready to seek recovery... I did all the various things; went to Recovery meetings, addiction places to meet others, forums... None of it worked because I did not want it.

Going on 3-FPM and it being MY decision to come off this rather than my loved ones makes ones. I feel in control so here's hoping this will work. I know my family loved me but when they check your mail and your drawers etc to see if your substances it's frustrating... That's what happened with opiates, it should have been MY decisions to come off.

The good thing is I'll have no way of accessing 3-FPM and WANT no way of accepting it! That's what they say isn't it????? Make it as difficult as possible to access your DOC, don't hang around with users, seek out like-minded people. I've tried helping others addicts but really what do I truly know??? I've related what I've learnt from others going through it but I've never properly recovered. Hopefully I can genuinely help people now. If I can help people with all I've been through then it's all been worth it. Hasn't it????

This 3-FPM I Have taken practically every day since I started in November n that's because that's what I do; when I fall for something I don't take it into moderation; I full on become; attached and addicted. I am an addict (for a lonnnnnng time I could not admit, I separate "me" from "them" and I still do struggle with it but time to accept the truth because it's just substances I've been addicted to but various other stuff as well, will leave that for another time...)

Been up all night because this will be the last time... I thought that stims would have me tidying up this place from top to bottom. They haven't it's the same as we before.

And it's time to put Lilvibe first. She deserves a lot better and that's what she's gna get... Holidays, trips out especially trips along the canal and horses pulling boats like the old days. I'm gna save up the money I would have spent on 3-FPM in another a/c for a holiday to the sea-side and a passport for LilVibe (they're like £80), but she deserves to go on holiday. For a long time I was scared of getting close to her for fearing as losing her.

When you first go on 3-FPM it makes you feel active, alive and serene---such an amazing feeling of serenity that makes you feel that all is right with the world, you want to cuddle everyone, be nice, say nice stuff.... but then there's other affects that are not nice... anything I did on it I did compulsively, more so than normal.... I was fiddling with my earings once and couldn't stop doing it for like EIGHT HOURS!.... When I posted on here was literally all the time at the exclusion of all else, it's really difficult to realise you're actually doing this because time was so fast.... Someone tried phoning me once at 9 pm I was busy sorting my CD system back into alphabetical order (was packed away for a year for when kitchen had been done), I text the person in what I thought was five minutes later to be told "I phoned you five hours ago it's now 2 am n you've woke me up..." ooooops... yeah I know I shoulda checked the time but it really did feel like five minutes had gone by, time was sooooo fast....

When my parents found out they asked "How long you been on this for?" to which I replied, "only a few weeks," they said "No you have not you've been on this since before Christmas..." I thought about it and yes I had but it had gone that fast that is how it felt. Of course they thought I was lying and to be honest I don't blame them because I had lied to them about my use. When you're an addict and addicted to a substance you lie like hell because you are petrified of losing what you are addicted to... This went against EVERYTHING I stand for because I'm extremely honest person and despise lies in others to me, I can usually spot people who lie to me a mile off and it fuels my paranoia which multiplied on 3-FPM....

The good thing about seeking Recovery is that I can now be honest because if anyone ever tried to use my addiction to hurt me I can honestly say "Yes, I was addicted to 3-FPM, Yes it was wrong, I shouldn't have done it, I should have listened, people were right in what they said when they warned me against using this RC"

I actually excited about this I want to start exercising again... I want to start eating healthily again. I want to help people with obesity issues as I once did n was training towards.... I went from £4,600 in savings to currently £8,000 in debt mostly due to addiction and partly due to trying to pay for a Masters (Weight Management) that I eventually dropped out and claimed a postgraduate qualification... It was difficult, extremely difficult. I struggled, failed a few modules due to depression and addiction issues (I should have taken time out but I didn't...) and anyone who's done a Masters in the UK, n failed a module knows it's like £100 to re-take that module. After working until 1 am most days and receiving a bad grade I knew that I had drop out. I do not like quitting so this was an extremely difficult decision for me but I felt such relief.... I feel that I've learned more about Nutrition from watching The Biggest Loser USA (love Jillian Michaels she's my IDOL, as well as Shaun T who does programmes for Beach Body,) n yes I know JM isn't on TBL USA no more lol but she's on my DVDs on TV so all's good...

I'll be doing exercise once I've over this comedown so plenty of milk, salmon, almonds, water, apples, bananas, keel, spinach, protein shakes I should hopefully be sorted within a week... It should be all about getting back my vitamins and hydration, oh and sleep (n plenty of it).... Damn your body knows when it's getting something good in it, I drank a pint of semi-skimmed milk yesterday and damn it was like my body was screaming "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme that now!" When I give my body something unhealthy I can feel my body rejecting it... Like with the 3-FPM, my body did not want it and tried rejecting it in ways I'd ignore....

It's mad knowing how that I am, or at least can be, in synch with the universe, if I really choose to be.... Two books I'm gna be re-reading; The Four Agreements and also The Power of Intention by Dr Wayne Dryer.

Right that's enough.... Time to log off but think I'm gna blog again... I want to document this journey so I have something I can look back on to try to help other people trying to recover from addiction.

Evey

Synchronicity was off the hook today. I performed my job as a Synchronizer of Lifewave Tunes. From the first step out the door to the first keystroke accounting it, was all One Big Happy Flow. Many connections were created, celebrated, unfolded, flip-flopped and wrapped up neat with a free cup of coffee on top.
I have so much more respect for MXM after today’s adventure (Short story: the gatekeeper decided today was the day to let out the MXM). If we compare all the different aryls (I’m just gonna call arylcyclohexylamines ‘aryls’ for short from now on….is that cool?) in the context of an audience rating not dissimilar from the MPAA movie rating system, MXM is like the ‘G’ or ‘PG’ rated aryl . Ketamine I think would also fall in the ‘PG’ rating. MXE is more certainly ‘PG-13’: discretion is advised. The 3-Meo’s are ‘R’ rated, for mature disso audiences only, because they can get to be scary for the kids/noobs. Catch my drift?

Anyway, back to MXM, a few words. I Love how this compound doesn't get in the way of the most organic flows, the way events unfold in this hyper-connected cloud-consciousness. Synchronicity is the Universe singing a song, and the realization that you are all at once the conductor of an orchestra, the player, the instrument, and a passive observer breathing it all in, in awe of the sweet rich harmony and sheer utter complexity greater than any one thing alone, coming together at a nexus point of reverent benevolent temporal-spatial resonance, the alignment of which is clear evidence of a higher power guiding us all, such that when we fall in line with it we are given as reward the rapturous brilliance of a singularity propagating in shimmering ripples of ephemeral memorial reflections of its source appearing as any number sacred geometries. And so it is I continue my walk in the sun light, synchronically stepping in time with the music blaring from my cell phone, serendipitously in key with the birds in the trees.

I stayed at the Bellevista for roughly 2 weeks. I only left my room to change currency and pay my running tab. I subsisted upon chips (french fries) and mayo, washed down with Kalamansiade, Kalamansi being the tiny citrus fruit that Filipinos use as a condiment. I did almost all the drugs i had brought with me from Thailand. Nothing helped. Nothing worked. I thought I was truly in love.

Ailyn arrived in Hong Kong and it took her a day or two to get online. She liked her job. She had friends in Hong Kong. I lived for our talks, so happy and so alone. Then I got a text from Israel that my brother Natan had died. I went to the airport, bought a ticket for America, direct to Victoria in British Columbia, with a switch for Kennedy in NYC. My brother lived in Brooklyn. I returned to the airport the next morning and left, bringing 5 boxes of Dihydrocodeinone and 2 boxes of valium.

Landing in Canada was so strange. They had dozens of workers who opened all our bags, went over piece by piece. Obviously there was an intel alert not released to the public. You would be suprised but airport personnel mever raise an eyebrow if you pack Rx drugs openly in carry on.

123

]You know, I haven't read anything on Bluelight for yearssssss. I can't even tell you how many. IDK maybe 3...4? I'm so glad to see my profile still up thanks! I belong here. I'm one of everybody here! Watever that means...K..so...back in 2010..(I think..let me check my records..ahh!..later!) I spent a lot of time on here. Reading blogs, posts,articles...getting info,meeting peeps...Killing time. I used Bluelight to chart my progress as I tried to detox off heroin. So I'd write & think about my drug habits, my plan to quit. It helped me a lot!! I had so much fun on here. I'd relapse. Get high on my DOC..(drug of choice, in case theres a couple newbies reading dis!) Write on my blog..respond to my friends...& shit like that. I remember I went back & deleted a lot of my rantings. I regret doing that. Even if wat I posted was silly & embarrassing or useless. I regret it cuz I bet a few things I wrote must of had a nugget of truth or advice. And besides it was me at that point in my life. I was a lot younger. I was living in Europe.I was married. I was much more naive, more inexperienced, more trusting & more happy about life. I'd love to be able to read all that I had written. What a waste. Why did I delete it? I'm so f$*king self destructive. I know I kinda hate myself & don't have any faith or hope in myself. OK WAIT!..correction.::: I don't have that much faith or hope. I do have a little bit.(otherwise I wouldn't be here all excited)
I'm never gonna delete any of my posts, rantings, blogs on here ever again. No matter how stupid I think it reads. I also recommend to anybody who's reading this & has deleted sum of their writings, not to do it! Or if your thinking of doing it. DON'T DO IT! Leave it. It's you. You're worth it!
Yeah....so. I've returned. And I tell you, since I've been on the grid (online,on the internet) there's been few sites that have made any kind of serious influence on me OR have had a hand in the fate of my life. Bluelight is one of those places for me. I remember back in...2009?..2010?...I had only been a member here for around a week....when somebody on here sent me a message. I was living in Athens at the time. Yes, that's Athens, Greece btw..So this person sent me a message, we became fast friends..we started to chat & almost immediately we hooked up IRL(in real life) Just so happens that my new Bluelight friend.(who BTW was younger,cuter...sexier than me!!) just happened to be in Athens visiting family. He didn't know any...uhh....wat do u call?....locals..who could show him around. If u know wat I mean
Cut a long, and extremely hot & exciting story short, we met each other downtown Athens. I brought along my best GF Yoita. Tall, blonde, sexy...I met her in rehab. She had a car. Lady GAGA was big at the time. We drove around, listened to music, visited the gypsys, picked up, got high.........bonded. Hugged.Flew kites & left each other with warm fuzzy memories. I tell ya...what a rocking happy time I had. And,,,just to think....all thanks to Bluelight!
So yea...I did that on here. Kept up my journals. Continued to use & abuse the big H. Moved back to Canada. Seperated from my hard working, clean cut joe-of-a husband....& just stayed strung out, addicted, wired to my DOC's. Mainly H & Coke. At that time. You see back then one thing set me apart on here from other members. Not that I'm implying that everybody on here is addicted to drugs..and in particular crystal meth..(jib)..But I think I got the feeling that meth had/has a certain important part on Bluelight. I had never used meth. I didn't even want to. As far as addicts go....I'm about as hardcore as u get.(I'm not bragging.I'm a fcking loser) I've been using hard street drugs for years. Yet miraculously seemed to avoid getting hooked on meth. So time goes by. Now it's 2014. I'm hanging wif Terry. She was a pretty big deal in town. Married to a male stripper. Yours truly had a car, so I'd drive her around. We became close friends. And before you could say "SHARD!" I hung up my expensive coke habit & started sucking on the glass bubble pipe ...Next thing u know..I'm smashing it. Then I'm adding down to it....VOILA! Speed ball...Except this time it really is Speed! Not coke....Add two more years & we have 2016. I've been addicted for all this time. Saved heaps of money cuz jib is much cheaper than blow. Lasts longer, easier to get...not as hard on my mind & body. Haven't Od'd like I almost did on coke a few times. Better come down, not as addicting, I believe anyways. Ya know, on cocaine. I'd suck a golf ball through a garden hose just to get high. On coke, I'd sell my uncles prosthetic leg...HE NEEDS THAT FOR WORK!!..lol...I'm just kidding Point is: jib is no where near as dangerous & life ruining as H & cocaine can be(shudup I know the irony of that statement) Except for two things,.....my paranoia is immense & hilarious...Also I stay up for days, become so sleep deprived that I start to become irresponsible with my car. I ended up smashing it. I didn't get badly hurt or hurt anybody else. Thank Giod!...but..yea I fucked up really bad & lost my license...blah..blah blah...Oh also..I lost heaps of weight!! Never been thinner.
What I'm trying to say is: Now I'm mething around. In fact as I'm writing my first blog entry on here...been up for two days...(6 days was my longest)...I'm spun out!
..So thank you....thank you for making me feel at home. Accepting me back.
I forgot to read the forum rules again, so idk if I might have broken a rule or offended the admins. Won't be the first time. I once posted a pic of Dylan Klebold &..wats his face...you know..the columbine faggots...it was a death pic. It was removed, but I never got in trouble. You guys are not unreasonable. And besides we're all adults & this is a drug forum. As well as a forum to help drug addicts. That's wat I plan to do. That's how I hope to use Bluelight,. To recover from drugs once & for all....and help others. Above all...to help people who need it. People who've allowed drugs to colour their lives in horrible blackness....I tell ya...Number 1..I don't lie. And Number 2..I'm a volcano of experience dealing with my addiction for almost 20 years. Yes folks. My nick..Olympic Smoker. Is true. Sad but true.
LOVE YOU! BE BRAVE! HAVE FAITH!...& remember....we're all just residing temporarily on this earthy brown,green ball swirling through the mystery of space. What are we doing here? Why are we here? We're all going to die one day. But Dayum!! Life is a gosh darn miracle & as exciting & mysterious & fascinating as anything in the entire universe. PEACE!

All I want is your understanding.
As in the small light of affections,
"why is this my life?" is almost everybody's question

And I've tried, everything but suicide...
But it's crossed my mind.

I prefer peace.
Wouldn't have to have one worldly possession.
But essentially I'm an animal,
So just what do I do, with all the aggression?

Well I've tried, everything but suicide...
But it's crossed my mind.

Life is a one way street ain't it?
If you could paint it, I'd draw myself going in the right direction.
So I go all the way.
Like I really really know, but the truth is, I'm only guessing.

And I've tried, everything but suicide...
Ooh but it's crossed my mind. Just a thought.

It's even dark in the daytime.
It's not just good, it's great depression.
When I was lost I even found myself looking in the gun's direction.

And so I've tried, everything but suicide...
But yes, it's crossed my mind.

But I'm fine.

gnarles barkley- just a thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVE75VG90X0

Walking the path of ignorance

One is inside one's head as well as all around their being
One has resd many a book, they are all seeing
One hears so much yes One also is all hearing
Yet One walks the path of ignorance

One asks so many questions, endless questions
One is aware of the patient ones, the quiet ones, the angry ones
One has listened tirelessly to songs, so many different songs
Yet Still walks the path of ignorance

So much cramming to input much information into the head,
While listening to sounds all around, taking in so much that's being said,
How is this ever possible and what happens to the knowledge when dead?
Still walking the path of ignorance

Categorisation oh categorisation you are so complex like many things in life
Things can't be separated into small pieces, by cutting apart with a knife
For one example is we have more than one wife,
We can't possibly understand,
When walking the path ignorance

Knowledge to ignorance to knowledge is a cycle
When one pays attention the concept is not so dull
The more one walks the more one will see yes they will
Awarenes heightens the visibility of the path of ignorance

Evey 18/5/2016

Basically the more we learn the more we realise we're very much in ignorance. One can never learn enough so one will always be in part, ignorant in comparison to specific knowledge gain. We don't actually use a high percentage of our brain. As one learns new informatiom s/he will become aware of stuff surrounding the mew information that they are very much ignorant to. We cannot possibly explore the whole globe in a life time although we can give it a good try. It is a foolish person who does not realise they're walking the path of ignorance as they travel with the quest for knowledge. To not realise this is conceit n to have conceit is to miss so much by assuming one knows it all. It is man who appears to contain a lack of knowledge with an inquisitive, determined mind who will fill the space with knowledge more quickly than the man who appears full of knowledges n does not seek to search for answers.

The more awareness of ignorance the more information gained n the more information gained the more one realise how truly ignorant they are to the world. Once this has been accepted as fact the quest for knowledge can continue. Just like one big scales of ignorance n knowledge.

Evey

To finish my mumbling in my last entry, white expats- and other older whitemen interested in Filipinas- tell themselves that sexy young
Filipinas are into them because Filipinos respect and value the aged. Sure they do but what does THAT have to do with sex and/or marriage? If it were at all true you would see plenty of May-December romances where both partners are Filipino. It is amazing how self-centered these whitemen are.

That said, almost all Filipinas love white men, at least physically. I thought it was the usual Colonialist:Occupoed paradigm where Filipinas equate white skin with power. As most know, the ultimate aphrodisiac is power. The Spaniards had half a millenia in which they ruled over a closed nation. Most of the nation was akin to North Korea today with its mystique and allure for the adventurous. Inside the Spanish-Occupied nation the Colonialist masters forbade race mixing. To my knowledge only the Philippines and Cueta (Spanish Morocco) had miscegenation regulations. Of course plenty of Spaniards, including Catholic Churchmen flouted this. Also, the Spaniards based their taxation in the Philippines on one's racial categorisation, whith full whites paying no taxes whatsoever. Certainly another real advantage of white skin.

Then, in reading historical records I discovered that white skin was admired by long before Europeans arrived by Filipinos- or rather, the various Austonesian tribes living on the 7-thousand-odd islands who would become known AS Filipinos. The Bukidnon Tribe (there are two disparate groups with the moniker) in the Visayas Region (Central Philippines) picks a young virgin, 4 or 5-years old. She is to be married to a tribal chief. She is trained in all necessary arts and customs but the most fascinating thing to me is that she may not go outside her house until the day she weds. This is to keep her skin white.

In my old BL Journal I once told an anecdote that relates to this theme. A couple of days before flying from Mindanao to NYC to see about getting on Interferon for my HCV (Hepatitis C), we were running short of finished rice. We raised/raise rice and we mill rice. Sometimes though we will get an important customer for our wholesale milled rice. When we are short on stock we purchase from other distributors. Mario, my former father in law- and still a great friend- decided that we would go to Prosperidad, the provincial capital, though this distributor was located deep in the bush.

It was a large order so we took a convoy of our dual axle flatbeds- think Mack tandem dump lorry but instead of the dumpbody it had a flatbed. Imitialy I rode with one of the teams of riflemen. A single flatbed can carry rice worth more than a year's wages for the average Filipino and we were running 10 loads. Ergo we bring 3 teams of heat, soldiers from Guthrie paramilitary which Mario coleads with Colonel Carlos Lademora. However my ex-wife Rizza was driving me batty over my upcoming flight so I hopped in to one of the lorries. As we drove down a dirt track through the jungle we suddenly emerged into a huge rice paddy on both sides of us. There was a Sari Sari, the equivalent of a corner grocery. Despite it being night already the barefoot Filipina of possibly 20-years of age locked onto me and to my astonishment began screaming "Kano! Kano! Kano!!!" - meaning "American but signifying all white skinned men. She actually ran after the lorry!

Since I have been told I am God in several places on Bluelight but do not consider myself a God, I will call myself The Prophet of Dreams for now. I really dropped the ball on the Afghanistan earthquake, I could see an attempt at contact was being made through Bluelight and brushed it off because everyone interferes and blocks my reception of messages. But here is a little something:


Magnitude 5.1 aftershock 6:05 PM UTC Tuesday Afghanistan
Magnitude 5.6 aftershock 12:20AM UTC Wednesday Afghanistan
Tropical low in Indian Ocean develops into a tropical storm Wednesday Oct 28

[PARIS TORNADO SECTION]
Paris Texas Tornado April 16th 2016 6:20P CDTM EF2 tornado - destroys my house
as EF-2 and hits We-Pack as EF-1

#4
Age: 34
Status: Married(rocky)
Scale : 5/10

Picture an anorexic Tina fey, but with way smaller boobs.
And some sort of possible (lol) mental issues

Facts:
Two kids(17, 11)
Square
Smokes (if she smokes she pokes)

So I knew this girl from when ibwas a teenager. Id come into subway all blown out and ask her on dates. So fast forward here we are working at the same job. Flirting and blah blah blah. She's married and I know her husband from back when I was single digits. Small town. Anywho I kept it R rated with the sexy stuff cuz she's married etc. Etc

Rocky marriage like I said. Husband's dippin on her with his baby momma (also know her) so she's not happy. She works on it for a minute. She said something today like "I told xxxxx I want another baby". To which I said " I'll practice putting a baby in you". And it was on.

Shit happened at around 130pm today. So when 330pm (punchout) happened she hopped right in the car. Back to mine to get bizzaaaay. Quick cocktail right into the rough petting. Into the sexy time.

Like I said, anorexic looking gal. She had like barely any titty. Like A at best. Good nipple ratio tho. Like almost between nickle and quarter. Buuut she was boney. I could actually see my dick in her throat lol. She definitely didn't have an ass tonwrite home about. Skinny white girl ass, almost. Tightness was so so. Husband ain't doin it with her. Not all that bad to look at, not what I expected. So we practiced making a baby. Unpro. And the shots was in her mouth and stomach.

I had to remind her its only practice.

Overall sexwise: 7/10*

We matched chemistry really better than expected in the bed. Would smash again.

wellp.
kicked out of the halfway house for not paying my rent, you think places like this would help a motherfucker out by understanding, i guess i was wrong.

i cant help but to laugh about it because i;ve seen the 'worst case scenario.' and to be honest, it isn't that bad.

yeah i might be minus A, as long as I got B. and B isn't anything I know.

so this is it,

peace

Tired again just to confirm previous thoughts. 20mg of peruvian type again produced unpleasant body load.

ive always considered myself a athiest/materialist, in the sense I only believe in what i can see and touch with my own eyes and hands. ive been struggling though latley with the question of why should i contenue living if the only thing i realy have to look forward to is rotting in the ground. How do you make your life feel worthwile when everything seems so pointless. I know i dont want religion the though of following some god just because i dont know whats coming seem ridiculous to me, i just want to find some purpose. I just dont know how.

*waves*
Hey.

I have .5 mg generic klonopin and want to try plugging could there be any complications or perforation of the intestine .

presidential election: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/790609-New-mod-needed?p=13581211&viewfull=1#post13581211

god, you kids get so excited over absolutely nothing. this is just a convenient place to store the link so i don't forget. sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

nfl week 13: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800233-Pick-m-Thread-2016-vs-Tittle-Town-wants-one-more?p=13807415&viewfull=1#post13807415