sinking

5 hours and 13 minutes until the clinic opens and I can get my dose. 160 mgs of temporary relief mixed with 150mg of hydroxine and 1200mg of gabapentin. On a good day I am able to drift off in a semi nod for 4 or 5 hours. On a great day I re-dose the gabapentin and sleep all day. That's really all I want to do. Sleep.

Then there are the benzos. I am straddling the line of physical addiction. I don't really know how often I take them because its frankly hard to remember with all the downers I take. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't better off on heroin? I had a job, I left the house for more than the hour I spend at the clinic. Everyone keeps telling me that they are proud. Look how much progress you made a year without heroin! Hell I have even quit smoking weed. My main dealer quit and I am too lazy to find a new one. Is that progress?

I have taken 3000mg of gabapentin a half mg of kpin and I still feel like blowing my brains out. Scratch that I want to go out with a needle in my arm, guns scare me. I just don't find pleasure in the everyday things other people do. Look I hold no illusions about that lifestyle. Its just that I feel as sad now as I did when I was using heavily. I was closer to living one year ago then I am too living today. I had a job, I took showers, I brushed my teeth, Girls occasionally smiled at me. I had the beginnings of the life I wanted. I gave it all away.

I guess that's the frustrating part I am not even sure what this is? Like is it better to not shoot heroin but have no job no friends and be fucking miserable. I guess that's the main problem I am depressed to the point of having no motivation. I literally shower once a week. Usually before my counseling appointment. Got to keep up appearances for the people who write the drugs. Funny shit is I am more concerned with getting the gabapentin than the kolonopin. I love that damn drug. I ate fucking 3000mgs of the shit today. Its not a good drug to redoes though.

4 and a half hours until the clinic opens. Fuck that's too long.

 

What are your goals with this?

 

With my blog? Its cathartic to write all these feelings down. To get them out of my head and onto a medium in which I can fully understand them. Try to sort through the bullshit so to speak.

With methadone? I guess my goal is too stay alive. Honestly this all started spinning out of control when I stopped smoking weed. I really crave some kind of high everyday. weed is the only drug that I can do that with and not end up fucked.

 

Sorry, I meant with meathodone and opiates in general. I guerss my goal with my blog is the same as yours - to figure out things. If I can put it down on a blog and look at it over and over, I start to look at it differently. As for opiates, I don't really have a goal. After a migraine a few months ago, I only do something once a week on Friday or Saturday and that's it. Otherwise, opiates make me sleep too much and might trigger another migraine.

I have a craving for somethign every day, but I don't know what it is. It is a craving similar to the kind I have had since chidlhood. Different experiences, including opiates, partially fill it sometimes.

 

I honestly knew I was fucked the moment the first lortab kicked in during 4th period math class my sophomore year of high school. It made me feel at peace with myself. That is the feeling which has always brought me back to opiates over the years. When I started IVing it wasn't about the rush it was just a faster better way for me to feel ok with myself again.

I was hopeful methadone would provide that feeling so I could live a normal life. It worked like magic at first but after a year I find myself looking for ways to potentate my dose everyday. And the truth is there is no way to potentate the same dose everyday. So my dose has gone up too 160mg. And now my quest is to receive take homes so that I can up that even farther in search of a way to get back to feeling ok about myself.

Recently benzos and gabapentin have become a bigger part of my life. Not because they fill that hole but because they make me sleep. I find sleeping to be generally very peaceful. I can visit times in my life long past. Have a chat with an old friend who I no longer know or just generally experience something new. I prefer it to the despair I deal with while awake. It seems like the farther away from heroin I get the more despair I feel. Coupled with the fact that I know there is no going back. 160mg of done is equivalent to more heroin than I can afford.

So I guess my goal as it pertains to methadone has largely failed but unfortunately I am all in at this point.

 

The feeling of being OK with myself or the world is an issue for me too. That feeling is always coupled to anxiety. I can never tell what is causing it. Do I need to study more for school, do something else for work, make my bed, pay a bill, or check 1 of a million things that might need checking?
Benzos and klonopin are good at fixing that in the short term. Opiates and even sleep help. In the long run there is no way out with these so I try to look for that calmness underneath it all. Sometimes I find it. Some of the strangest things besides drugs help sometimes: bike rides, sudoku, solving math problems, chess, women, writing, painting, sleeping, meditation practice. Alcohol can help too, but it is too destructive and I'm likely to end up being a drunk so I avoid it. But nothing is guaranteed.

Lack of energy is the worst thing I notice after quitting daily use. It makes sleep even more desirable. It makes me lazy. Lying half awake in a cold dark room under a warm blanket is the closest thing to opiates sometimes.