Blogs

This is my first ever blog entry. I get the idea of a journal. I get that this a free-form environment where we can pour the thoughts in our head out in an area where others can view them.

What I don't get is what I will put in it. The last couple of months have been a time where I think my life has changed. I suppose that's where I'll start. I'll describe how my life has changed and how it hasn't. Don't expect anything earth-shattering or artsy. That's for others. I just live a life.

Thanks to the BL crew for putting this out there.

Yesterday, 21:51 #46
Mariposa
Senior Loverator
Sex, Love & Relationships




Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 17,519
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I'm allowed expression.

I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.

I'm done posting for now.

I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?

Emotional blackmail at its worst right here. I urge you to realize that you truly do have your whole life ahead of you.

I've never been an inpatient, that's true. I've certainly been badly enough off to be hospitalized, but I am uninsured and don't want to be stuck with a massive hospital bill for a small pile of Ativan and forced participation in groups.
That's about it.


Mariposa
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Mariposa
Visit Mariposa's homepage!
Find More Posts by Mariposa
Add Mariposa to Your Contacts
View Blog





Yesterday, 22:31 #47
zephyr
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: May 2005
Location: aussie land
Posts: 8,428
Depression isnt a temporary problem and having had it for many years, as well as a drug addiction, I can see why suicide is considered a good option.

Tried it twice, one opiate/benzo and alcohol overdose. One seroquel overdose. Two other times many years ago were non overdose attempts.

Apart from meds and doctors youll benefit if you take your mind into happier places instead of focussing
On the negatives.

A pet is a great idea. Mine makes me smile every day.

Also exercise for endorphins. Walking to and from my crap job makes life good.

Also now over 1 month clean.

Life is good. Dont let it pass you by pill.


zephyr
View Public Profile
Send a private message to zephyr
Find More Posts by zephyr
Add zephyr to Your Contacts





Yesterday, 23:55 #48
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side




Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
Quote:
Originally Posted by zephyr
A pet is a great idea. Mine makes me smile every day.

wise words
pillthrill, no u cant hav a puppy according to ur parents, but had u considered maybe something easier like maybe an adult cat from an animal shelter or something?
even a guinea pig or rabbit can b really loving
or a rat - some ppl r grossed out by rats but some of the best pets ive had hav bn my rats, i used to breed them
theyre easy to care for, can b house-trained (as can rabbits) and r very responsive and cuddly
ive never bn clinically depressed so i cant tell u to 'snap out of it' and refuse to b so ignorant either......but i do hope ur taking in wat evryone has to say to u


drug_wench
View Public Profile
Send a private message to drug_wench
Send email to drug_wench
Find More Posts by drug_wench
Add drug_wench to Your Contacts





Today, 00:08 #49
Mariposa
Senior Loverator
Sex, Love & Relationships




Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 17,519


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pillthrill, I also think a pet is an excellent idea. I'm sure there is a pound/animal shelter in your area? Go make a visit and see what pet you have a special connection with. I have kitten brothers born of feral parents that bring so much happiness to me. Pets are magical.

Whatever type of pet you get, always give him or her the best of everything. You will get the same right back and then some.


Mariposa
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Mariposa
Visit Mariposa's homepage!
Find More Posts by Mariposa
Add Mariposa to Your Contacts
View Blog





Today, 00:44 #50
mrjackjones
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 I love rats. They are so gentle and funny. You would be saving a life. make sure to get more than one though, as they are social creatures. its amazing how similar they are to humans... ever read the book "Dr. Rat" by William Kotzwinkle? anyone with a mental illness needs to read that book. I implore you. "Don't worry, my friend. Once you have been driven completely insane, you will qualify for a degree in psychology." best novel ever written.

08-12-2008, 16:53 #40
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 The Funeral

Raven hair against the bed of a white casket,
of a girl who could stand to bear no more.
The red roses that now surround her,
red as the blood as into her skin she tore.

Say goodbye sweet love.
I knew somewhere you cared for me.
But it took this and death,
to even make you to even begin to see.

Its too late, as the colors fade.
Fade to shades of gray.
Gone from this world,
no longer praying to make it one more day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; 08-12-2008 at 17:01.. Reason: fixed


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 18:55 #41
Mariposa
Senior Loverator
Sex, Love & Relationships




Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 17,519


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.

I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.

But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...

Planning your own funeral is a blatant attention-seeking gesture.

If you are thinking about how badly people will feel about the loss of your presence in the world after you die, you are punishing yourself with an unmanageable level of guilt. Knock it off. Now. You have a roof over your head, people (even myself) that give a fuck about you, and you don't have a monopoly on suicidal thoughts.

You are threatening to take your own life with a weapon or by any other means necessary. This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.

It is necessary for you to be less snobbish about choice of hospital and to get to the nearest one. Besides, if the people in your life "don't care enough to get you help" how do you expect they would bother to show up at the funeral you have so meticulously planned in lieu of your real world responsibilities?


Mariposa
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Mariposa
Visit Mariposa's homepage!
Find More Posts by Mariposa
Add Mariposa to Your Contacts
View Blog





08-12-2008, 23:59 #42
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 I'm allowed expression.

I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.

I'm done posting for now.

I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; Yesterday at 04:15..


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





Yesterday, 00:45 #43
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side




Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mariposa
This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.


dont take anyones words to heart
as u can see, whether anyones words seem harsh or not, its cos we r concerned for u
u r getting seemingly more and more suicidal - and yes, as plenty of us hav lost ppl to suicide, not all of us r going to react the way u want us to
mariposa said wat she said (im guessing) to give u a wake-up call
nothing else is working so far
and this is becoming more and more of a medical emergency
i suggest, whether u like hospital or not, u take urself there soon
cos if u cant pull thru this without medical help then u cud easily end up doing something which u hav no chance to regret
like ive said to u, it will get better - it has before
why cant u wait till uve tried the new meds etc before doing drastic things like making funeral plans and wills etc?
u say u want this thread open for support just so u know ppl care about u - u can see ppl care about u, but dont go scaring those ppl by telling us ur funeral plans and how u plan on ending ur life!


drug_wench
View Public Profile
Send a private message to drug_wench
Send email to drug_wench
Find More Posts by drug_wench
Add drug_wench to Your Contacts





Yesterday, 01:51 #44
wegwoman
Greenlighter


Offline:
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: in a house
Posts: 10

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthrea...397757&page=28

this is coming fromthe above thread. I'm afraid I wear everyone around me out. Hence why I figure why bother hanging around. I would put thisis a journal becuase thats where it should be, but the journals are gone. And like I said no one else gives a shit anymore.
At this point I'm not even sure I can make it until Christmas...Let alone after that. There is also a glitch in my plan that either I need to work out or come up with another method. God I'm so afraid its going to hurt...I don't know why. I know no one can morally (on the board) suggest something less painful.

OD yeah been there done that, twice. I'm so stupid I can't kill myself right.
And there is no GOOD drugs to do that on anyway. I go back and forth everyday. Hospital or suicide. I have pretty much promised that no matter what I choose I'm going to do it, plan it and do it right.

Haha I keep begging my parents for a puppy for Christmas, hoping it would bring me some happiness or give me a reason so live. How pathetic. And of course I'm told no.

I'm always told, it could be worse. You could be your grandma in the hospital fighting cancer. There is someone that is always going to have it worse and a lot of people blow their brains out everyday. P.S. Not an option, can't afford, don't know how to buy, it would be obvious, and it would suck to be missing half my face and still be in this world.

But hell nothings fool proof... I just want to get close...

Oh my goodness, I care, I have been there to many times to count, I lost my mom at 16 to cancer, arrested at 17 for delivery of a controlled substance, 2 rehabs, a half way house. Suicide was always my escape route, but I’m not going to go into all the details but when you die there is a natural order to things, I have felt the positive side which is more beautiful than mortal words can describe and I have also felt the negative side and it’s more terrifying than human words can describe, I’m positive that there is a force out there, some call it God, but it’s not a man in a white robe it’s much, much, much more than that it’s a Force, basically LOVE. Positive thought is where it begins, you have to force out negative though with some thing, I have been a junkie who used to shoot up so much that I used my arms, legs anywhere I could possibly get a vein, I have lost my Mom my Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather, never had any brothers and sisters, the man I was with for 13 years was the victim of a drunk driver, I know what pain is, so I’m not talking out my ass. Have you had blood work done to see if there is a chemical imbalance, because you can go to counseling till your ears bleed and if U have an imbalance in your brain it won’t madder. You sound so young, Please try every other option before U end it, some times U just got to hang on, There is a higher power that spoke the universe into existence and It and I love you very much, and whether you realize it or not you’re a child of the most high, and your very valuable even if you don’t feel like it now. I am going to send U my unconditional love and positive energy, your situation hasn’t come to stay and it will pass, Please think about it, get that puppy and let someone you trust know how sad U feel, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Wegwoman


wegwoman
View Public Profile
Send a private message to wegwoman
Find More Posts by wegwoman
Add wegwoman to Your Contacts





Yesterday, 04:13 #45
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 the funeral plans, the will, the living will and the hospital of choice were all pickedout BEFORE I was offered the new meds I start mid
week.

Only half is that is true, I just wanted an outlet. I'm too much of a coaward to cut deep enough to kill me.


Thanks wegwoman.


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts

07-12-2008, 22:10 #31
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side




Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxkcxx
Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.

sometimes uve got to do wat u hate in order to lead a life ur oneday going to love
no quick fixes for GAD either unless SSRIs work for u and they dont for me, so i had to go with therapy
now im bloody glad i did
find a gd therapist and u probly wont hate it as much as u hav in the past


drug_wench
View Public Profile
Send a private message to drug_wench
Send email to drug_wench
Find More Posts by drug_wench
Add drug_wench to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 04:22 #32
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 SSRIs make me OBESSIVELY suicidal
and my therapist is being a bitch

mediations I've tried:
Celexa
Effexor
Zyprexa
Clonazepam
Lexapro
Aprazalam
Depakote
Wellbutrin XL
Buspar
Seroquel
Niravam
Risperdol
Lorazaepam
Ambien


Current coming of Wellbutrin XL and on Clonazepam, Ambien and Will be starting Lamital soon.


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 05:00 #33
mrjackjones
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 Been there. I was once in the state long-term psychiatric unit on 4mg risperdone, 120mg fluoxetine, 10mg ambien, and 2mg clonazepam (every four hours). The hospital was top-notch. The diagnosis was very intense (I recall doing a 900 question multiple choice test over four days). We attended day programs, which were like real life psychology courses, from 7:00am to 2:00pm. In the evening, all three units (the two long-term units, and one permanant) would socialize do whatever. It was a great place. Fuck outpatient clinics. they dont know what they are doing. They fucked me too many times with no therapy but plenty of assorted pills, constantly switching meds... its dangerous.


mrjackjones
View Public Profile
Send a private message to mrjackjones
Find More Posts by mrjackjones
Add mrjackjones to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 05:11 #34
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 This is over 9 years...
I wish I had a psych unit like that...

But right now I'm leaning the other way....just have to make it through the holidays....


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 05:16 #35
mrjackjones
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 "Close off your mind, relax and fload downstream... it is not dying. Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void...it is not living." - John Lennon

I had to say no to psych meds at some point. I have not taken them in years. But I'm not well, either. opiates make me feel the way I think I should always feel, thats my current medication, for good or ill. However, I never have a completely steady supply of one specific opiate (preferably morphine), and am always high low high low not high enough too high sick suicidal well and around again. its a problem.


mrjackjones
View Public Profile
Send a private message to mrjackjones
Find More Posts by mrjackjones
Add mrjackjones to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 05:18 #36
mrjackjones
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 yeah i wish i did too now, but its really hard to get back there. i have to exaust all the psych units in the area until they refer me to the main state hospital. and when they realize im an opiate user, it makes it even harder.


mrjackjones
View Public Profile
Send a private message to mrjackjones
Find More Posts by mrjackjones
Add mrjackjones to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 05:46 #37
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.

I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.

But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 06:06 #38
mrjackjones
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adirondack mountains
Posts: 65 my loved ones resent me too. it isnt their fault that they dont understand. i dont want to hurt them. a full syringe has been the plan. 300mg in one shot will do it. thats how Freud went out. he did not want the cancer pain anymore. i dont even like needles. but what a horrible thing to lay on your family, right? and 'tis the fucking season...


mrjackjones
View Public Profile
Send a private message to mrjackjones
Find More Posts by mrjackjones
Add mrjackjones to Your Contacts





08-12-2008, 06:31 #39
cash for comments
Greenlighter


Offline:
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 6 hey pillthrill...

ive been affected by many a suicide in my life, so many in fact, that i lost count long ago...

that phenomana, along with my own life events, have lead me to thoughts of going that way myself.

ive done a lot of thinking re this issue and, the only conclusion i can come up with to remedy it, is to see it as self indulgence. i know that might sound harsh... i dont think that suicide is cowardly, in fact, i think it takes a lot of guts to make that step to end your life. life is a gift, to throw that away...

i try to live by the adage "if you choose, choose not to bother', in other words, dont let anything you do adversely affect anyone else.

now with every suicide that passes, there have been three this year, it only hardens my resolve to stay alive. and that i will.

as YOU will, pillthrill...

Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 Its all just so complicated. Actually, my mother says shes is sick of my complaining so I no longer speak to her about my problems or how I feel.

I understand where he is coming from. He thinks it will hurt less if I do off myself if I was just "some girl that he was dating" than "my girlfriend".
Its so hard really, last night taking harmful things from my hands as I fall to the floor crying. He comes down and pulls me up and all he wants is for me to listen and just stay there...
But nothing reaches me, especially after I've entered that dissociative state.

I told him that I wanted to tell him something and he didn't have to say anything, I said I loved him and he said it was only infatuation....
I'm good enough to take out, act like your gf, sleep with, but not enough for a title or him not negate how I feel. I really hurt. I can't help it. I'm BPD, I feel things so much stronger than everyone else love and pain.

So then because everything is black and white, I tried my hardest to drive him away from me, when all I wanted was for him to hold me. I hate being Borderline...pretty much sucks


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





07-12-2008, 18:54 #27
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side




Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
ur mum needs to learn a bit more about ur disorder and b a supportive mum - wen ur depressed of course ur going to need someone to talk to about it! im sorry to hear u cant even talk to ur own mum
as for ur bf - hun, ur worth more than wat he has to give, which sounds very limited to me, but its ur call.....true love has no boundaries
can u talk to ur dad?
i had never heard of BPD until i met jacqui, and another chick who had it, nici, who i was in detox with and was very close to for awhile (unfortunately nicis gone back to IV meth and i just cant b around her selfish as that sounds - she said she wud do it in front of me, she needs it that much)
i learnt a lot about BPD and yes i learnt the negative things about it but one thing that struck me about both jacqui and nici - and i recognise this in u too pillthrill - is a true capacity to empathise and care for other ppl
i was very sick wen i was living in the halfway house with jacqui and 5 other alcoholic women twice my age
none of them understood anything about meth and opiates and why shud they? they had their own problem to deal with
but i tell u, wen ur still physically unwell from coming off suboxone, lonely cos ur the only drug addict among a bunch of older women who all shared the same DOC and watched coronation st for fun, and worst of all.....often going thru psychosis due to long-term drug use.....
well i used to regularly shut myself in my room and just shake and cry - and it was always jacqui who wud instinctively know - and care - that something was wrong, and she wud come and hold me tight and talk to me gently
nici was much the same - she was going thru meth withdrawal but she didnt suffer psychosis and she wasnt coming off opiates as well
she wud see me huddled in my room and shed come in and hug me and tell me it was all going to b ok - that i cud always count on her and come to her wen i was scared (thank god cos that was often)......she was even nice wen i threw up on her dressing gown
anyway im going off-track
there is plenty of good in BPD ppl that ive seen - maybe cos of their intense emotions
yes u cud call it a curse, but in some ways its a blessing too cos in some ways it makes u a really likeable person


drug_wench
View Public Profile
Send a private message to drug_wench
Send email to drug_wench
Find More Posts by drug_wench
Add drug_wench to Your Contacts





07-12-2008, 21:21 #28
Pillthrill
Bluelighter




Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 She has tried she read the "Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide". She was better for like a week.

My real dad is a asshole who basically has not part in my life because he allowed the abuse that likely help make me this way.

Borderline is a blessing and a curse, you feel SO strong, whatever feeling it is. You can connect well with other's feelings well that way. But it can also we painful.

I can often feel things are not right with people somehow...I help others, but never myself.

Pretty much the emotional hemophiliac ....


Pillthrill
View Public Profile
Send a private message to Pillthrill
Find More Posts by Pillthrill
Add Pillthrill to Your Contacts





07-12-2008, 21:41 #29
xxkcxx
Bluelighter




Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 119 Yeah, I have BPD too. I don't see it as a blessing in anyway though. I've lost a lot of people I love because I cling on really tight (being afraid of possible abandonment) and then they push away because I give them no space. I also never experience my own emotions because I just take on what everyone else feels.

Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.


xxkcxx
View Public Profile
Send a private message to xxkcxx
Send email to xxkcxx
Find More Posts by xxkcxx
Add xxkcxx to Your Contacts





07-12-2008, 21:46 #30
El Guapo
Bluelighter




Offline:
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 258 Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I need to know that I matter, to someone, somehow...

Not acknowledging this, at this point, is simply irrational.

Look at how many responses you always get to your threads. So many people have positive things to say to you. The fact of the matter is, now matter how you feel right now, there are people out there/here that care for you.

I don't even know you and I rarely contribute in TDS, but if you killed yourself I'd definitely feel sad. There is never a good reason to kill yourself when you are so young and have so much life left. One thing to think about that might take your mind off things is learning. Along with the one positive thing per day mantra, try the "learn one thing per day" technique. I find that discovering new things and adding new knowledge is one of the easiest and most satisfying things you can do- especially with the internet. Make wikipedia your new best friend, you'd be surprised how quickly an hour or 2 can fly by when you are learning about all kinds of crazy shit.

Most of all- listen to the above advice, especially DW. You need to go to the hospital soon if you cannot stop thinking that suicide is a valid option. I'm positive that your family would appreciate a Christmas visit to the hospital rather than a Christmas visit to the cemetery.

I missed you guys!

Yay for new beginnings!

*** copied from BL journal ***

I was getting aggravated that the tracks on my arms were still pretty visible. Four days ago they looked like someone had drawn thick lines down my arms with a pencil.

Well, I've been exercising, drinking LOTS of water, eating healthy and taking One-a-Day vitamins. Today, the 'pencil lines' are no longer there. I now have short, pinkish lines and they aren't immediately visible. If you stare, yeah you'll definitely see them but who other than people like us stare at people's veins? I think the vitamins are a huge part of the healing.

Those tracks were a painful, everyday reminder of losing almost everything. They also remind me of the good things and people that I still may lose because of my relapse into addiction not so long ago.

Oh, I went to the doctor today to get tested for blood born viruses and sexually transmitted diseases. We chatted a bit about anti-depressants, bacterial infections and whatnot. I couldn't do the blood tests though because I had just eaten and the blood work shouldn't be done if you have eaten in less than 8 hours. Soooo... Saturday is when I get to have my tests done. I can't wait. I'm 99.9% that I have no viruses but its always good to have a definite answer.

I'm picking away at all the things I need to do and it feels good.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Someone showed me a clipping from a newspaper article about a specially trained dog that dials 911 emergency in the event his guardian becomes incapacitated.

The guy suffers from seizures and, thus far, when he was alone with his dog, he had two seizures. The dog dialed 911 (I'm sure it is a specialty phone) and barked into the speaker. The 911 operators have a note in their system that states that the guardian has a dog that can call 911 in emergencies. Paramedics were sent and the guy was saved in this manner twice!

Dogs fucking RULE!!!!

*** copied from BL journal ***

As much as I would like to say how I feel about some things, it isn't my place to do so.

I can handle a lot of shit but, fuck, the things that I can't handle really fuck with me.

I need to make more money so those I care about don't have to do the things they do. Jealousy, insecurity and my territorial nature make me blow things out of proportion and it hurts.

I guess I'm old fashioned. Geez, whoever heard of an 'old fashioned' (ex)junkie? I want it to be my business but, right now, I'm an asshole for thinking/feeling what I'm thinking/feeling.

I want her back. Fuck going slow! Everything can be so much better together.

I want to not think about it and simply take my lumps but it still rages in my mind. All those people seeing what I want to be for my eyes only.

I fuckin' hate it.

(intentional ambiguity)

*** copied from BL journal ***

This life has been interesting. I've played all the roles one can play with the exception of the most important, the real me.

Fear and the comfort of illusion has prevented me from being who I truly am (whoever that may be). The masks I've previously worn are now thrown away. I've held on to them longer than their shelf life would allow. I've worn these masks, however tattered, however many holes were worn into them, for too long. People started to see through these holes and have seen the real me. I wish I knew who they saw through those masks. Perhaps it would help me understand who I truly am.

I feel naked and vulnerable without the comfort of these masks to hide the person that I am, that I'm afraid to be. I won't go digging in the trash for them and I will not make new ones. I'll just need to let the world see me for who I am afraid to be and use the strength I've gained from self-inflicted pain to handle the results.

Standing emotionally naked in front of the world terrifies me. I can no longer pretend. I can no longer falsify my being. I will not accept the comfort of lies.

I just wish I knew.

Who am I?

*** copied from BL journal ***

I'm one impatient dude! I've been home a little more than a month. Prior to this I was (and the reason for moving back home) I was doing a lot of coke after being clean for 5 years. I started snortin' then quickly moved to the needle. The shit delivered all the pain, psychosis, loss, emptiness, etc that I knew it would times ten.

I've been working at my friend's pizzeria. He's helping me out big time and he is also in great need of someone he trusts. I'm REAL antsy now. I'm conflicted with what the 'right' thing to do is. I have few goals that I want to achieve and I'll never get there with the money I'm making or the schedule I work. I NEED stability and I need to play catch up with my financial situation. I want that sense of financial comfort I had before I started using again. I also want to invest about 15-20% of each paycheck into a 401k.

I think that this is a sign of impatience and fear. I want what I want pretty much, not necessarily now, but pretty soon. I'm also afraid that if I take too long in getting back on my feet I'll lose. I think the right thing to do is work for my boy for a couple months and then start looking for work. I just can't do the 'right thing' right now. I started looking for corporate full time gigs the other day. I didn't apply. I need to update my resume first.

Another factor for me getting out of the pizzeria is that it kinda makes me feel like shit about myself. A lot of this is brought on by my own unrealistic thinking but it is a depressing environment. On the surface you can't see the tension and underlying stresses on the family but it is there. My friends whole family works there and life is fucking with them pretty hard. Everyone's hurtin' and that just multiplies my own stupid shit.

NA is pretty cool but I haven't been following the suggestions that are proven to work. Stupid shit like 'one day at a time' actually applies. I'm sitting here stressing about unrealistic possible futures that it has ruined my day. I busted my ass today and tonight, didn't do any drugs, unpacked boxes and played with my dog. I did all I could do for today (not really). I just fuck myself up when I analyze the shit out of stuff. I do have faith but for some reason I'm gravitating toward the negative.

Truth be told, I haven't been to a meeting in awhile and I haven't spoken to my sponsor in a bit either. I can't be slackin' like this. Complacency isn't my friend. 12 steppin has a proven positive track record for me so I gotta get back into the swing of things. More meetings. Fuck, I remember 2 weeks ago I was convinced I was going to do 90 in 90. Never happened.

I am seeing progress, though.

I just want more now.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I wanted to go through the initial stages of getting clean without being on anti-depressants. I think I may need to get back on them.

I have so many feelings and emotions that I think are natural but are somewhat erratic.

Today I was slicing onions at work. I was also tired, worried, and not liking myself too much. Tears started to form in my eyes from the burning that onions tend to do but there was something more. I had a tightness in my chest and felt a little flushed.

I went into the walk-in refrigerator to alleviate the reaction to the strong onions and relief came; however, real tears started to come from my eyes and my chest was now tight and quivering. I felt empty and low.

I want to be a 'natural' me, unaltered by mood inhibitors/stabilizers but I don't know who this 'natural' me is. Do I suck it up and allow these feelings/emotions to occur? What is a balanced mind like?

I don't want to be that cold, distant and unfeeling person on Paxil. I want to be a REAL person that can ride out and feel his emotions completely and then let them go so that new ones can be experienced.

I just don't know. I need to get myself better so that I can start living life again. I need to feel but just don't know what feelings are healthy or what ones are extreme and dangerous.

Fuckin' onions!

*** copied from BL journal ***

I'm noticing things about myself and realizing the legitimacy of things said in the various 12 Step fellowships.

For instance, its possible to be clean but still use. Just because we stop the drugs we can very well replace those drugs with other things. Tonight I went to hang out with 'M' and her son to watch a movie. I was excited to see them both but was a little nervous. A few years ago her son thought I was a cool guy. I was nervous because I know I have changed since then but am currently in the infant stage of awareness to the changes in my personality. I wanted to be sharp as a tack and try to mimic who I was when he knew me. Its very important to me to be accepted by her family, they are all amazing. Well, I used prior to driving to her house. I didn't partake in drugs but I used a legal substance in the form of one of those mini-bottle, long lasting energy drinks you'll find at the convenience store.

Hmmmmm, just because its legal doesn't mean its good for me. Also, the reason I drank it lends weight to how addicts like me will grab pretty much anything to alter themselves.

Well, the shit got me WIRED and gave me a fucked up stomach pain. So my attempt to be 'on the ball' due to my best thinking was quite contrary to my goal.

At least I'm learning, right?

We had the opportunity to talk and, I gotta tell ya, honesty is a motherfucker! She told me about her recent ex and a little bit of their history and my stomach just got weak, I was cringing internally and I was hurting from what I heard. But wait... THIS IS A GOOD THING! I've been so far away from reality and my self-centered life and thinking was so embedded in my behaviors and thoughts that I realized that I need to accept the repercussions of my actions. I still get sick to my stomach picturing someone else sleeping with her or even just touching her. She told me that she did love him, in a sense and hearing that sucked. However, if she was happy, secure and safe (which she deserves to be) then it isn't all that bad. It could have been much worse.

Pretty soon my rampant, erratic emotions will stabilize, I'll be more secure in myself and be more accepting of the realities of life.

She was positively glowing tonight. This made me remember all the goals I once had to be a better person (quitting smoking, exercising more, being more responsible, watching my fucking foul mouth, etc)

Its nice to be inspired.

*** copied from BL journal ***

I love her. I loved her before but this is much more pure and deep.

I haven't had butterflies in my stomach and chest in a LONG time from just thinking of someone.

I've had butterflies everyday since that night I first saw her again.

*** copied from BL journal ***

I want this to be over. The uncertainty, the confusion, the cravings.

I want to be me again but only if it is a better me.

I want to feel balance.

I want the uncertainty of others to go away.

I want to be free of these memories.

I want and want and want.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Walking to the store one day, perhaps four years ago or so, I passed this stone wall. Laying on this wall was a turtle. Turtles don't lay. It was upside down and dried, decayed from the sun. Someone had placed this poor creature upside down on it's shell. It was rather large and had a beautiful brown shell with swishes of the most intense and amazingly beautiful green I had ever seen.

Who would do such a thing? This innocent, sentient creature was placed in an impossible position to recover from and simply left to die. Can you imagine its fruitless struggle to regain mobility? Can you picture this struggle going on for days until finally, too weak, hungry and dehydrated to move, death comes to relieve the agony of helplessness?

I remember the turtle. I hope I never forget.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Someone special is back in my life. I only wish i started to work on myself sooner. She is amazingly strong and has made an effort to improve herself. She's always been perfect in my eyes but i still wasn't the best boyfriend that i could have been. I could have handled things MUCH better in the past. I'll just focus on learning from that behavior and stop being so selfish (among other things).

I have this fear that she may have grown past me. Basically, she tackled the things she didn't like in her life and I've run away from mine.

I hope i get better soon. A life with her would be so nice

*** copied from BL journal ***

I only care about two things right now. My exgirlfriend. My dog.

I have hopes of getting back together with her but she is being very careful about things since I've hurt her before and she knows that I struggle with my addiction and depression.

She's a very strong woman but she doesn't need any negativity in her life (especially my petty bullshit)

I've been thinking of suicide again. Its the main thing on my mind lately. I fucking hurt and just want to be loved by someone. My actions lately have been screaming 'Please help me' but everyone seems to think i'm this tough guy that can handle shit. I'm not handling shit at all.

I went to the city and bought some rocks last night even though i hate crack (it seems such a waste). I couldn't find heroin, which i intended to smoke off foil until it was all gone, OD or not. I have zero tolerance for opiates so i guess its good that i didn't find any.

I am capable of loving others without condition. My ex is the only one i know who can do the same. She is so kind hearted but I fucked everything up by moving to another state for money and status in the corporate world.

I haven't been to an NA meeting in a few days and don't feel good enough to be there.

I fucking can't handle all these feelings and my mind racing a mile a minute. Its fucking me up bad but everyone is experiencing hard times and they are doing what they need to to survive.

I always believed that the only way to kill yourself was to cut yourself from ear to ear. An act like that takes commitment. Now I'm a pussy and plan on ordering some needles, copping heroin and doing two shots, one to enjoy and one to kill me.

My dog is sleeping a lot, peeing a lot and having hip problems. He still plays a lot with his toys but if i hadn't ignored him so much when i was using hardcore he probably wouldn't be having physical issues right now.

Life isn't a fucking gift. I fucking hate it.

Sometimes I fantasize about getting shot in the head by someone trying to rob the pizza shop i work at. Sometimes I just daydream about collapsing from an aneurism.

I just don't want to be around anymore. Haven't I done what I'm supposed to to earn death? What more do I need to do? Please tell me so that I can get it over with.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Where is it?

*** copied from BL journal ***

No cravings today, holy fuck!

This is going to be tough but I HAVE to do it. I've been seeing a lot of people going through exceptionally difficult times lately. Not necessarily drug related problems either. Life just seems to be kicking the shit out of many good people. I'm wondering if I'm noticing this so often because of the difficulty I chose to introduce to my life. It lends validity to the phrase 'water seeks it's own level'.

I'm getting bombarded with all kinds of feelings right about now. Regret, shame, anger, sadness, etc. I need to get myself back on track and healthy again. It seems like a huge effort but, man, I need to find balance and strength and the effort will be worth it.

I'm blessed with people in my life that are so kind, compassionate, caring and patient that I'm dumbfounded. When I was clean before I don't remember being any of these things. Looking back, I think I was cocky and selfish. I wish I wasn't because I was in love at the time and those aren't qualities that should be in a loving relationship (especially when the person you are with is so kind, compassionate and positive).

I wish I could do it it over. Not like go back in time do it over but, perhaps when I learn balance and get back to healthier living, life may give me another chance to do a relationship properly.

Tell ya what, if the next relationship I'm in turns out to be the last I would be pretty happy. This means I'm going to have to be very select.

I don't know why I'm talking about relationships. I need to take care of myself first and that may take awhile. Shit, I've only been off coke for about 7 or 8 days (I really should figure out the exact day I used the shit). Thats not a bad number but it is still WAY early in the process of dealing with my addiction.

Eh, it'll fly by, I'm sure. Before I know it I'll be in a better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Until then, I'll just continue staying away from the garbage and negativity.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Ha! My dog is sooooo happy now! Man, I've neglected him so much when I was slamming that shit. He was pretty confused then.

I remember locking my bedroom door and staying in there for days, rarely coming out. Most of the time he hung downstairs with my roommate but often he would scratch at my door and whimper. I would let him in and give him a shaky handed head rub and return to the bathroom. He would come in and firmly press his head against my leg and wag his tail as he pushed as close as possible against me.

If I was in the bathroom then that meant I had a needle in my arm (I was always in the bathroom). I would snap at my boy because I didn't want to be jostled while I was fishing for a vein. It had to have hurt his feelings because he would either go lay down somewhere in the bedroom or go downstairs. All he wanted to do was spend time with me and express love and be loved. I was too selfish to bother.

During this time frame I could see my boy aging and the facial expressions he had were those of sadness, confusion and hope.

Now my boy is acting like a goofy puppy again (he's almost 11)! He plays with every single toy in his toy basket and... ...haha! He gives me what I call 'magical kisses' all the time now.

Let me explain... ...I always lay on the floor with my boy and rub his ears, scratch his belly or kiss him on his face and nose. He'll often raise his head and lick my face and more particularly, my shaved head for about 5 minutes non-stop. Sometimes my head will be DRENCHED afterwards. He's probably just licking me to get salt but it still makes me feel like he's telling me he loves me.

I get TONS of magical kisses now that I'm somewhat clean.

He deserves happiness

*** copied from BL journal ***

I only have a few things to do tomorrow and am worried that, after the way i was thinking today, will I do what I shouldn't do? I was setting myself up earlier today to get some dope. I had money in my pocket and that was a huge trigger for me. Fuck! I worked tonight and now I have more loot.

I want to sleep in as long as possible, take my time with the shit i gotta do tomorrow but that still won't cover the hours of the day.

I still am not sure of my commitment to staying off drugs. Why can't I get high and be clean at the same time? That would be so nice to still hang around the amazing people in NA and still be high.

Drugs aren't a social thing for me though. I don't want to be around ANYONE when I'm doing my thing. I like my personal 'high' little world and there is only room for one.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I can't die yet, though. I have a strong feeling that my next shot will be 'the one'. I don't know if its because I want it to be the one or if i recognize my own stupidity and foresee doing the same amounts with a lower tolerance.

There is no such thing as 'one more'.

I think tomorrow is going to be a bad day

*** copied from BL journal ***

Its been somewhere around a week since I've done any drugs. I've been drinking but not getting drunk. Today was pretty tough being inside my own skin. I'm really not accustomed to being around this asshole I call 'me'.

I was struggling and I had a few dollars in my pocket. I had thoughts of driving to Philly to score and I almost drove around the shady parts of my new town. I even looked into the syringe laws of the the state I'm living in now (BTW, syringes aren't sold without a prescription in PA). I was essentially setting myself up to fuck up.

I called someone out here that has been where I am and we ended up having lunch and shooting the shit about drugs, recovery and each others stories. That helped with my cravings pretty well but they came back rather quickly. I was fucked. I had nothing to do to keep me busy and I had to be around the asshole in my head who keeps telling me I'm a piece of shit. This voice is always coming up with the most fucked up justifications for sticking that shit in my arm.

Once again, I was FUCKED. There was no way I was going to make it through the day without fucking up. I was bored, angry, lonely and depressed and I had the rest of the day to get through.

My phone rang and it was my friend who owns a pizzeria. He was short handed and wanted to know if I wanted to work a few hours. Fuck yeah I wanna work! I was provided something to do and it silenced that asshole in my head.

After work I was feeling good. I boxed and bagged up all the stuff that they were going to throw out. I had 2 large pizzas and 6 big bags of assorted slices, mini-strombolis, hot dogs and a meatball sandwich. I threw everything in my car and headed to the popular spots where the homeless hang out. I drove up and down the streets for a little over an hour and didn't see anyone that was living on the street.

My 'check engine' light came on, I made a few more circles and went home. NOONE hungry got fed. I feel like a piece of shit. How dare I give up so easily when someone's stomach is in a tight, painful knot and the weakness from lack of food is making them shaky and feint. ALL that food went into the dumpster when I got home. Fuckin' lazy asshole. I should have tried harder. I KNOW I would have found them if I walked up and down some streets but I can't do that right now.

Anyone who's scored on the streets knows the eye contact game. Here I was driving slowly down impoverished streets in a drug infested town looking at everyone I saw to determine if they were homeless. Sometimes my eyes would lock onto someone else's and we knew each other, the dealer, the fiend.

If I walked those streets, the eye contact would have turned into one word conversations and I would be fucked. If i didn't buy it I would still have a definite known location to score when i have another day of doubt and weakness.

I didn't buy drugs but I didn't help anyone either. Noone ate and I think I'm an asshole for driving home so soon.

I could have tried harder

*** copied from BL journal ***

I hit another meeting tonight. It was my old homegroup from when I was clean before. I saw some people that I was hoping to see and met some new ones.

I called 2 dudes from the phone list I was given last night. Spoke to one and left a message for the other.

Maybe I do want this. Maybe I do want to be the old me again.

The thing is that I'm real uneasy with my feelings. I'm so used to hiding from them, killing them or running away from them and now I realize that I have to face them and, goddess forbid, SHOW them.

I was telling a friend how I get choked up EVERY time I watch 'Intervention' and 'The Cleaner'. She said that thats a sign of a real man. I don't think I'm anywhere near being a real man. Someday? Maybe. I'm just afraid that if I ever do cry in front of someone (especially a girlfriend) then their opinion will change and the relationship will be over.

I don't have a girl right now and don't plan on getting involved for a while but when I do I want her to know that I'm strong enough to physically, emotionally and spiritually support her. My next relationship won't be so selfish. I want a teammate, not just a girlfriend.

Someday.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Went to an NA meeting tonight and received a 24 hours or less keytag. I was trying to kill time before the meeting and didn't want to go home and 'nap' since I haven't been sleeping very well. I was scared that my nap would actually turn into a full sleep. I need a full nights sleep but I didn't want to miss the meeting.

My mind wandered to shady thoughts of checking out where the drugs were in town "just in case". Fuck that! Instead, i needed to find something positive to do for 2 hours.

Well, my buddy out here has a pizzeria and he gave me a pizza. I didn't ask for it but he remembered my appetite from before and just put it on a tray and said "Eat you skinny bastard". I told him it was a waste but he wouldn't hear it. I ate two slices and he boxed it up.

Driving around town, I couldn't think of anything 'wholesome' to do for the 2 hours before the meeting started but on my passenger seat was the box of pizza. Cool! My mission (if I chose to accept it) was to find out the local hotspots where the homeless hang out. I drove up and down the known streets and finally found someone picking through a trash can. I asked her if she was hungry, she said 'yeah', I gave her the pizza and then went to the meeting.

I'll be working at a restaurant soon and they throw out a lot of food at the end of the night. That's going to stop when I get there. Any leftover food is going in my car and some hungry people are getting their asses FED on the nights that I work!

Anyway, the meeting was real nice. People just like me were kicking back actually giving a fuck about others. These people weren't just talking about caring but they were showing it.

I shared at the meeting and got choked up so stopped talking before anyone could notice i was about to break down. Its safe to show emotions in those rooms but I'm just not ready to show my human/emotional side to strangers yet. I know that will hurt me more by not letting people in on my feelings, but, I need to learn how to combat my perception that people will exploit my weaknesses if i reveal them.

It was still a nice hour and a half. I'm hitting another one tomorrow.