*** copied from BL journal ***
I'm one impatient dude! I've been home a little more than a month. Prior to this I was (and the reason for moving back home) I was doing a lot of coke after being clean for 5 years. I started snortin' then quickly moved to the needle. The shit delivered all the pain, psychosis, loss, emptiness, etc that I knew it would times ten.
I've been working at my friend's pizzeria. He's helping me out big time and he is also in great need of someone he trusts. I'm REAL antsy now. I'm conflicted with what the 'right' thing to do is. I have few goals that I want to achieve and I'll never get there with the money I'm making or the schedule I work. I NEED stability and I need to play catch up with my financial situation. I want that sense of financial comfort I had before I started using again. I also want to invest about 15-20% of each paycheck into a 401k.
I think that this is a sign of impatience and fear. I want what I want pretty much, not necessarily now, but pretty soon. I'm also afraid that if I take too long in getting back on my feet I'll lose. I think the right thing to do is work for my boy for a couple months and then start looking for work. I just can't do the 'right thing' right now. I started looking for corporate full time gigs the other day. I didn't apply. I need to update my resume first.
Another factor for me getting out of the pizzeria is that it kinda makes me feel like shit about myself. A lot of this is brought on by my own unrealistic thinking but it is a depressing environment. On the surface you can't see the tension and underlying stresses on the family but it is there. My friends whole family works there and life is fucking with them pretty hard. Everyone's hurtin' and that just multiplies my own stupid shit.
NA is pretty cool but I haven't been following the suggestions that are proven to work. Stupid shit like 'one day at a time' actually applies. I'm sitting here stressing about unrealistic possible futures that it has ruined my day. I busted my ass today and tonight, didn't do any drugs, unpacked boxes and played with my dog. I did all I could do for today (not really). I just fuck myself up when I analyze the shit out of stuff. I do have faith but for some reason I'm gravitating toward the negative.
Truth be told, I haven't been to a meeting in awhile and I haven't spoken to my sponsor in a bit either. I can't be slackin' like this. Complacency isn't my friend. 12 steppin has a proven positive track record for me so I gotta get back into the swing of things. More meetings. Fuck, I remember 2 weeks ago I was convinced I was going to do 90 in 90. Never happened.
I am seeing progress, though.
I just want more now.
I'm one impatient dude! I've been home a little more than a month. Prior to this I was (and the reason for moving back home) I was doing a lot of coke after being clean for 5 years. I started snortin' then quickly moved to the needle. The shit delivered all the pain, psychosis, loss, emptiness, etc that I knew it would times ten.
I've been working at my friend's pizzeria. He's helping me out big time and he is also in great need of someone he trusts. I'm REAL antsy now. I'm conflicted with what the 'right' thing to do is. I have few goals that I want to achieve and I'll never get there with the money I'm making or the schedule I work. I NEED stability and I need to play catch up with my financial situation. I want that sense of financial comfort I had before I started using again. I also want to invest about 15-20% of each paycheck into a 401k.
I think that this is a sign of impatience and fear. I want what I want pretty much, not necessarily now, but pretty soon. I'm also afraid that if I take too long in getting back on my feet I'll lose. I think the right thing to do is work for my boy for a couple months and then start looking for work. I just can't do the 'right thing' right now. I started looking for corporate full time gigs the other day. I didn't apply. I need to update my resume first.
Another factor for me getting out of the pizzeria is that it kinda makes me feel like shit about myself. A lot of this is brought on by my own unrealistic thinking but it is a depressing environment. On the surface you can't see the tension and underlying stresses on the family but it is there. My friends whole family works there and life is fucking with them pretty hard. Everyone's hurtin' and that just multiplies my own stupid shit.
NA is pretty cool but I haven't been following the suggestions that are proven to work. Stupid shit like 'one day at a time' actually applies. I'm sitting here stressing about unrealistic possible futures that it has ruined my day. I busted my ass today and tonight, didn't do any drugs, unpacked boxes and played with my dog. I did all I could do for today (not really). I just fuck myself up when I analyze the shit out of stuff. I do have faith but for some reason I'm gravitating toward the negative.
Truth be told, I haven't been to a meeting in awhile and I haven't spoken to my sponsor in a bit either. I can't be slackin' like this. Complacency isn't my friend. 12 steppin has a proven positive track record for me so I gotta get back into the swing of things. More meetings. Fuck, I remember 2 weeks ago I was convinced I was going to do 90 in 90. Never happened.
I am seeing progress, though.
I just want more now.