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I am going to get a Christmas tree with the girls. Then I am going to pick up the pieces for our holiday to begin. I miss Joe, but he would be so mad at me if he knew I was grieving so hard that I haven't gotten the girls a tree yet. So we are going to the tree stand and getting the best tree I can afford, and putting smiles on our faces. Life must go on...........

Sitting, finally, leaning forward a little with my elbows on my knees on the chair with the wobbly legs, the one we tried to put together after the fight and succeeded, for the most part, save for the slight unevenness of the thing though now it has a bit of character with its battle scars and all and fits in nicely with the rest of the place, the rest of the people that are here some of the time and then they're not all of the sudden and we wonder about their safety and well being but we don't bother to ask each other or anyone else, and I listen to the ringing of the phone in the kitchen, the phone without an answering machine so it will ring all day until the caller hangs up, but then it stops, silence for a minute, and then it rings again and rings and rings and rings.

"Who do you think it is?" asks the man with the dying electric razor voice, the man sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall on my favorite stained, coverless cushion that came from I don't know where, his chin still buried in his chest and he does that looking up at me from his forehead thing that makes me feel i'm not important enough for him to acknowledge me with a complete head raise and direct eye contact and then "Don't you think we ought to answer it?" but I don't think so, no, and it stops anyways though I know it will start again soon and I look at the cuts on the back of my hands, try to move the ring finger on my left and I wonder if it's broken and the guy sitting on the floor on my favorite cushion asks "When the hell did this place get a phone?"

Anyone else going to sniff some NICE OC 80's, or CDN 80's the second you wake up on christmas.

Lol..last christmas my gfs cuz called me at 10am looking for 80s.. Believe it or not,,, my dealer at the time(who lived with his mom) let me come over at 10 30am christmas morning to buy 80s...

NOW THATS chrismas spirite. TO bad he jsut didnt give me them..I gave him some pot cuz i felt bad for coming at that time.

What is the point of sticky threads if no one uses them. DOes anyone else hate all the stupid questions about benzos that could be anwered with one look at a benzo sticky thread.

Blogs? Hmmm. Interesting.

It's 8:15am and I haven't slept at all. I think it may have something to do with the Vyvanse...hm.

So...while the journals were down I tried Mushrooms for the first time. I split an eight with a friend and it was a ton of fun. I can't remember what else happened.

I should listen to myself more often, and will do from now on.

I was in a rather tumultuous relationship with this guy called Tom. I met him when e came over to fix my computer as I deleted dll files off it.

He is rm2x's friend, and apparently a great guy.

I came to this new city with intentions of death, and to be honest I still feel like dying. I had redeveloped a massive drug addiction and had an ounce of 4-MAR with me.

Tom and I grew quite close quite quckly, It was not love at first sight. I was wary of being with him considering we both were addicts and I had been down that road before.

Eventually, I had to admit love for him.

He was so sweet and did not make a big deal of my odd behavious and insecurities as my addiction advanced. He made me feel beautiful.


Then the drugs ran out.


This is when we started having issues and fighting. I remember the first time he went off his block at me. He was having work dramas and a text he was sent made him see red. It was his retarded boss Vange. I had some xanax and asked him if he wanted one. I thought he said no but he said "suppose". So I put it on top of the tv. After this text he went nuts and started tearing strips off me about the xanax thing. I said it was on the tv. He eventually stormed out.

Another incident happened when I grew sus of him as we talked about moving in together but then the next day he made some snide comment about not having to explain where he was going as we didnt live together. So I looked in his phone and there it was, text messages between him and Toni, his "horror movie" buddy.

I confronted him immediately and should have dumped him then and there but I didn't as I didn't want to be right. He denied and acted as if I was the biggest bitch in the world.

I will bring this to a conclusion now as Im sedated and going to sleep, but everything can be wound up at this point of the story and filed in later.

Tonight it took the woman to tell me that I was right along. He just never told me and kept stringing me along.

What bothers me is my mental state. I dont need this shit man, Im pretty unstable and need good people in my life, not shit like this. But if you're fucked up its unlikely you will meet those people.

You can fuck off too Tom.

I hear you want a blogging. From me, the blogger. Well, I'll give you a tiny taste of my blog. there, you like that? It's my blog. My blog, uh, what? My blog, bitch!

Well, beats not having a Journal I say, but the visualisation does leave ALOT to be desired. However, beggars cannot be choosers and since the site is in such flux I suppose we should all offer a huge sigh of relief...


SIGH RELIEF


Now that we have got that thing ouf of the way, what is it to be...Today is Sunday, December 14th, 2008 and it is now 825 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, I have been really allowing myself to get into 2 videos from Israel. One is from two individual artistes, both of whom I enjoy alot for their own merits but this duet is just priceless.

The singers are Shlomi Shabbat and Lior Farchi (Farchi actually being a realtive of mine but that is another story). The type of music is *Mizrachi* which also describes a type of Jew. In English it means *Eastern* as in *Middle Eastern.*

Mizrachi music is more like Bollywood, Desi, and of course Arabic and Greek all rolled into one. The females sing in very high registers, and so do the males actually, the instrumentation is very Middle Eastern of course and it is probably my second favourite genre after Trance.

The song is called *Ad HaSof* which means, in Hebrew, *Until the End* and if you watch the video it just might invoke memories of the Irish New Age/Tradtionalist band *Clannad,* the band that gave the world *Enya*. They had a song, a duet with Bono of *U2* called *In a Lifetime* and both lyrically and in the video a story was told about a marriage or relationship that last unto death.

In this song though it goes one further in that it tells how we can so very easily come to take for granted those we love the most.

Is it not true though? Throwing his dirty draws on the couch, you leaving the cosmetics on the sink, both of you with morning breath and before long what was once so endearing and cute is now likely to drive you to murder...but let something happen that draws the 2 of you apart for any matter of time and it all goes to hell. You need each other for the long haul.

Watch the video...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lazfCdaDPuA


The second song that has been tearing me up is a bit suprising. A movie came out a while back, in Israel, called "Yossi and Jagger." A bit of an Art House film, as much as one can be in a country as tiny as Israel, but the subject matter was disturbing to society on a number of levels.

The movie relates to me a bit, it is based on a true story, that took place on an IDF base on Mt. Hermon, which sits on the corners of Israel, Lebanon, and Syria. Popularly known as the "Ears of the State" because of the Intel garrisons there, it is the main base for my Brigade and Battalion, NACHAL G'dud 50th (Infantry/Paratrooper).

Anyway, the movie takes place during a pivotal time in my life, Operation Peace for Galilee (1982 -2000), or as it is more commonly known, *The First War in Lebanon* which is very much akin to what the Americans had in Viet Nam except that this war was much more brutal in warfare, as well as on the effects on Israeli society.

It was the first time in our history that people openly challenged the status quo in such a way, and in the movie an officer Yossi (equivalent to a Lt in the West) and an NCO named Jagger (equivalent to a Sgt) are posted, during that war, on that base, just as I was.

The NCO has felt alienated for such a long time, as he is gay in a very macho society (the way Westerners prep for sports teams and schools, we prep for military units), and Jagger has is own alienation problems as he finds himself to be a closeted homosexual, repressed, and also diamterically opposed to the war...yet as Israelis of his generation know, he could not do anything but serve his time and make do.

The movie is a homosexual love story, as I said, supposedly based on a true story, and has some very homoerotic scenes.

I am completely a heterosexual and to be honest, while we do accept openly gays into the army in Israel they are not really in the fighting units, just causes too much friction and cohesion is all important. As such I suppose that I am much like most Israelis in that I feel live and let live, just do not live around me.

Yet I see the movie and it is so haunting, the photography, the atmosphere, filmed entirely on location of course. It effected me on many different levels and a flim that can do that has much more value than some societal oddity piece, or piece of social criticism, or art house curio. I hope others take the time to see the film, it is in English subtitles for those who cannot speak Hebrew (in the army we have our own dialect really so even if you speak Hebrew, maybe you ought to read the subtitles, hahaha).

Anyway, the song I love from the movie is called *Ratziti* which in English means *I Want.* It is a remix of a song by Yehudah Levi but on Youtube, where I will link to it, they have it attributed to the Israeli singer Ivri Lider, a well known openly homosexual artist who was also featured on the soundtrack. Lider is a great singer but he did not do this song.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4d1Uf4Cz78

Reading wise, well I have been mostly relying on books through the Gutenburg Project which is a worldwide effort to digitalise books in many languages. Google had the brainstorm to make as many books as possible, freely accessible, but of course the powers that be said, *Wait! That will cut into potential profits! Something like 8% of our worldwide net will be lost! No Way Jose!!!*

Google had to rethink that grand idea, one result is their new gadget which I need to buy on my next trip to the mainland. On this gadget you can use your Debit or Credit Card to immediately download the text of most any book for a nominal fee. Great for a guy like me who cannot find much of anything to read in this country.

For some reasons, there are book stalls here in the Philippine Malls, no matter the city, I have seen them in Davao City, Cebu City, Butuan, and even in Makati where they are selling books taken from one particular Minnesota library! WTF? Someone has quite the little scam rolling around and meanwhile I am innundated with cloying romance novels and the odd LeCarre or some other halfway readbale 50 US Cents worth of drivel. From time to time I do manage to find a gem but those times are far and few in between.


The Gutenburg Project though, now I believe still connected with Google is working with university libraries from all around the world to digitilise books past copyright, like very early 20th Century and beyond but the availability still leaves alot to be desired.

A couple of really interesting things I have been able to read though are early acounts of the different Filipino ethnicities and how they were 100 years ago, 300 years ago and so on. It is amazing how much precious culture has been obliterated by imperialism and colonialism.

I was very keen to see that many Bisaya (my wife's People) myths are Indian in origin, as in Hindu. Funny how out of the entire Rim only Bali has managed to retain this rich Hindu culture! True, these islands would have been on the extreme range of the Indian influences but still it is interesting (to me) to see the use of the word *Rajah* for *Prince* and so on.

From time to time Chinese porcelain in pristine condition and dated about 1100 years old (about the time my wife's People sailed here from Borneo) is found in the bush, or a pefect gold figurine but there is no evidence at all of any grand civlisations like the Javanese or Balinese. Who knows, maybe one day some intrepid lad might uncover a small temple complex. Would that be something?

Speaking of which...What IS going on out in the bush nowadays? Well I had to leave Cebu to be back here for the Day of the Dead (November 1st) holiday.

All the family members go to the family cemetery where all family members usually rest, and the graves are cleaned, weeded, and so on, and made ready for the party to honour the ancestors on that day. Obligatory *Lechon Baboi* (meaning *Roasted Pig on a spit*), San Miguel Beer which is like the national drink, soda for folks like me who do not drink, and chiken (Manok) and of course the ever present salt water fish.

There are 2 main graves where we gather, by the *Old Man* who is Mum's dad, *Don Beldad*, my wife's grandad the man who originally rode a pump steamer up the Augusan River and cleared the thousands of hecatres of land that became the basis for his empire. Buried next to his 2 meter high crypt is the much smaller edifice housing a little cousin who died when she was 6, from Dengue about 3 years ago.

The cemetery is on National Hiway almost on the line with the Provincial capital, the village of Propseridad, but close enough to San Franz (our village) to make it relatively safe even in these dangerous times.


I will continue shortly in case of a character count...

What an infernal piece of technology. Dig deep enough, long enough, head deep in your node and surfing across this web in search for someone often enough and you're bound to find what you're looking for, if only years later. And when you find it, right when you said you would look just this one last time -- when you find who you've been looking for, when you see she's off in a desert somewhere happy in the sun with her husband and another kid on the way, you realize, too little too late, as you sink back to the too deep and too fast, that you just shouldn't have looked in the first place.

Fucking idiot.

Why. Did I have. To FUCKING look?

Not the right time


Something that rings in my ears over and over,

"Its just not the right time for us." No it never is. There is something in the way.

You work overseas and are never home, plus you don't love me anymore.

or

I've lost it. Can't control it. Can you blame me? And you can't even support me... you're gone, you have to be. And when you are back I won't exist in your mind anymore.

Its always the same story. I fucked up. Its me thats the problem. I'm just too fucked up for you to handle.

All I want is someone to love me, more than family. More than that. To tell me they love me for who and what I am. No look down on me for imperfections. To hold me close when I cry. And to have all the happy pictures posted on the Internet of us together and a dog maybe. Looking like we couldn't be happier.

Its not going to happen for me. They are ok with the outside, but when they see the tattered soul that remains of abuse and heartbreak and rejection, they run.

They can't take the tears and all the fears.

I'm going to die alone...

My mind is racing and not even medication can bring me down. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do ANYTHING right?

The person I want closest I push away, I just can't stop it. Hold me, be there. But life is too busy for currently employed nutcases like me.

This mornings felt, I'll check in, now, I feel I'll check out.

Why till after the holidays? Because when I was a Jehovah's Witness, my mom said that me not being a part of Christmas was worst that the pain of divorcing my father.

I'm a mess and should sleep but can't. The world sleeps and rests cuddled together at peace, and I sit there a write a blog that few if any read and cry...

Wanna trade?

this is sick, bluelight blogs. who knew huh? well i finished my first semester of college today, which is pretty exciting. i'm all alone in my apartment tho, all of my roommates went home to see their families and such. i'm goin back tomoro morning, but i think some time away from the city will be good. its fucking brick outside and i want to smoke a cigarette.

After everything thats happened, and I told the detective, I was his friend. Best friend. I wasn't his supplier. I do not even have any to give much less sell. He was basicly telling me the girlfriend is upset, and filled with Grief, because of some texts that were on Joe's phone when he died. We were very close, and she is jealous of our relationship, and I was the one with him the day before he died. I can see her point, but we were just friends, but very close. It does explain the reason she denied me the right to go to his funeral, but makes the pain I feel no less.
As for the emails, it was from overseas, so I am guessing it could be a bluelighter. Or she is very good. I really want to but this all behind me, so to do so I wanted to give updates. I told the detective I would tell him if the emails and calls continue. To my suprise it has stopped as of yesterday, so hopefully whoever was sending them, got the plessure they were seeking. As for in one of the last emails, they said they hoped that it would find me dead. Well, I glad to inform all who care, it didn't. Just has given me more reason to be were I am, in the darkside. I was thinking I was losing my gift to help, then when his death came, it reminded me of why I was doing this. I will not take blame for any deaths that happen around me that I have no control over, thats silly, I will continue to try and help anyone that truly wants and needs it, this I do know. All I need now is time to heal, and then I will pick my modstick up again. Thanks again for all of you that continue to support and show me and my daughters love. You are the good I see through all of the bad.

After everything thats happened, and I told the detective, I was his friend. Best friend. I wasn't his supplier. I do not even have any to give much less sell. He was basicly telling me the girlfriend is upset, and filled with Grief, because of some texts that were on Joe's phone when he died. We were very close, and she is jealous of our relationship, and I was the one with him the day before he died. I can see her point, but we were just friends, but very close. It does explain the reason she denied me the right to go to his funeral, but makes the pain I feel no less.
As for the emails, it was from overseas, so I am guessing it could be a bluelighter. Or she is very good. I really want to but this all behind me, so to do so I wanted to give updates. I told the detective I would tell him if the emails and calls continue. To my suprise it has stopped as of yesterday, so hopefully whoever was sending them, got the plessure they were seeking. As for in one of the last emails, they said they hoped that it would find me dead. Well, I glad to inform all who care, it didn't. Just has given me more reason to be were I am, in the darkside. I was thinking I was losing my gift to help, then when his death came, it reminded me of why I was doing this. I will not take blame for any deaths that happen around me that I have no control over, thats silly, I will continue to try and help anyone that truly wants and needs it, this I do know. All I need now is time to heal, and then I will pick my modstick up again. Thanks again for all of you that continue to support and show me and my daughters love. You are the good I see through all of the bad.

im pretty sure ive never had one of these before. i aim to change that. its cold out right now, i had to wear a shirt when i went out to smoke.
this cafe bustelo coffee is the fucking bomb, its pretty cheap too. technically its for brewing espresso but i use it for coffee anyways.
no work again today, they actually could have gotten me 3 hours by driving back and forth to orlando, but fuck that. id rather sleep and relax anyways.
cant wait for the new year, ill be rich again!

It's been 10 years of investment
It's been one foot in and one out
It's been 4 days of ??
and I feel snuffed out

It's been 33 years of restraining
Of trying to control this tumult
How I did invest in such fantasy
But my nervous system has worn out

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've repeated this dance ad-nauseum
There's still something to learn that I've not
I'm told to see this as divine perfection
But my bones don't feel this perfection

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

I've spent life hovering above bottom
Thinking I can't survive what's below
But I've known through the kicking and screaming
That there was no other direction to go

I feel done, I feel raked over coals
and all that remains is the case
That it's a bitch to grow up

Likely not the best way to do this, but my family needs all the help we can get.

My uncle died recently and then in November we found out that my 74 year old grandma who you would never guess over 60. Has Malignant lymphoma B-cell with features of mantle cells. (aka Cancer) Drs. are saying 2 to 5 years. I know my grandma, she can beat it. (I hope, I don't know what I would do without her...)

My mom is trying to keep the family updated as they are all over the country plus Christmas and every else.

And me, mentally I'm heading way down hill if you haven't noticed,

So positive thoughts if you aren't the praying type or prayers would mean a lot!

I'm thinking about moving it up a week or so....
I just can't take it anymore. The cutting is starting after so long with out it. Taping them shut. Please Please just let me die....





Well

ust took a meds and alcohol... its ambivalence.THE WILL is out no the table with the door locked, I would like a note but I double benzos, ambien,sereqouel, and more more bensos and alcohol is not fatal Anyway

It's the moments like this one that go on forever which frighten me the most. The ones where I have nothing to say.

The screwdriver I keep in the draw and I are now on a first name basis. I tape record the obscenities he screams in his sleep.

"She needs me!" he promises. "She loves me!"

"I'm lonely," I tell him. "I'm not any good at this."

"Can't you do anything about the pain?"

i got all a's this quarter. which makes me happy. actually tho, i shouldn't say i got all a's, i got a 3.9. the school i am at does not give letter grades. its rather weird IMO.

are in full force. My brain feels like complete mush but at least I'm getting it done. Seriously, 4 hour finals. 60 multiple choice questions, A-H (8 possible answers). I never want to do that again. I can't wait for it to be all over.

Legal Writing and Analysis
Property
Contracts - Friday
Torts - Monday
Criminal Law - Next Friday

Wish me luck friends.

Like a physically here person? I know its crunch time for college for S. but he couldn't spend 1 hour holding me or even taking a power nap but could watch the whole season of Super natural with his friends.
Honestly I'm hurt..
Honestly I wish I knew where to get heroin in Iowa Des Moines and I can't drive well and I'm directionally challenged, I get lost easy = panic attack

I'd OD and it would be over with. The other plan isn't likely to work and every other OD didn't work.
I just won't want it to hurt and I AM thinking of my family. An open casket is good for frieving.

I just want to he happy...be normal...just like everyone else. Hopefully the mood stabilizer I start today Will help but 6-8 weeks...can I make it that long....

People have been saying I mumble a lot. I never used to. I just I just figure anything I have to say really isn't worth listening to anyway. They don't any other time

I'm come to a state of ambivalence. Live, Die, whats the differnece anymore. According to S. its suffering either way. I feel my self slipping and I'm trying to hold on. I try to find projects to busy my mind since right now I'm on week 2 on leave without pay. thanks for the notification, not.Its not like its Christmas or I have bills or anything.

I'm thinking about mixing up a pill and alcohol cocktail...since being with people and finding a project didn't work.

I'm just trying to figure this world out...

blah the flu sucks. all the cold medicines dont do fuck all...well I guess paracetamol actaully does get rid of my fever...the one and only use for this accursed hepatoxic chemical?

I've missed too much school cause I cant get my shit in gear to get up there and do it in the mornings.

Perhaps I will follow this cats advice...that should help me get to school and do some work. (or grind my jaw and yammer on endlessly to my fellow students...i forget which)

blah the flu sucks. all the cold medicines dont do fuck all...well I guess paracetamol actaully does get rid of my fever...the one and only use for this accursed hepatoxic chemical?

I've missed too much school cause I cant get my shit in gear to get up there and do it in the mornings.

Perhaps I will follow this cats advice...that should help me get to school and do some work. (or grind my jaw and yammer on endlessly to my fellow students...i forget which)