*** copied from BL journal ***
I only care about two things right now. My exgirlfriend. My dog.
I have hopes of getting back together with her but she is being very careful about things since I've hurt her before and she knows that I struggle with my addiction and depression.
She's a very strong woman but she doesn't need any negativity in her life (especially my petty bullshit)
I've been thinking of suicide again. Its the main thing on my mind lately. I fucking hurt and just want to be loved by someone. My actions lately have been screaming 'Please help me' but everyone seems to think i'm this tough guy that can handle shit. I'm not handling shit at all.
I went to the city and bought some rocks last night even though i hate crack (it seems such a waste). I couldn't find heroin, which i intended to smoke off foil until it was all gone, OD or not. I have zero tolerance for opiates so i guess its good that i didn't find any.
I am capable of loving others without condition. My ex is the only one i know who can do the same. She is so kind hearted but I fucked everything up by moving to another state for money and status in the corporate world.
I haven't been to an NA meeting in a few days and don't feel good enough to be there.
I fucking can't handle all these feelings and my mind racing a mile a minute. Its fucking me up bad but everyone is experiencing hard times and they are doing what they need to to survive.
I always believed that the only way to kill yourself was to cut yourself from ear to ear. An act like that takes commitment. Now I'm a pussy and plan on ordering some needles, copping heroin and doing two shots, one to enjoy and one to kill me.
My dog is sleeping a lot, peeing a lot and having hip problems. He still plays a lot with his toys but if i hadn't ignored him so much when i was using hardcore he probably wouldn't be having physical issues right now.
Life isn't a fucking gift. I fucking hate it.
Sometimes I fantasize about getting shot in the head by someone trying to rob the pizza shop i work at. Sometimes I just daydream about collapsing from an aneurism.
I just don't want to be around anymore. Haven't I done what I'm supposed to to earn death? What more do I need to do? Please tell me so that I can get it over with.
I only care about two things right now. My exgirlfriend. My dog.
I have hopes of getting back together with her but she is being very careful about things since I've hurt her before and she knows that I struggle with my addiction and depression.
She's a very strong woman but she doesn't need any negativity in her life (especially my petty bullshit)
I've been thinking of suicide again. Its the main thing on my mind lately. I fucking hurt and just want to be loved by someone. My actions lately have been screaming 'Please help me' but everyone seems to think i'm this tough guy that can handle shit. I'm not handling shit at all.
I went to the city and bought some rocks last night even though i hate crack (it seems such a waste). I couldn't find heroin, which i intended to smoke off foil until it was all gone, OD or not. I have zero tolerance for opiates so i guess its good that i didn't find any.
I am capable of loving others without condition. My ex is the only one i know who can do the same. She is so kind hearted but I fucked everything up by moving to another state for money and status in the corporate world.
I haven't been to an NA meeting in a few days and don't feel good enough to be there.
I fucking can't handle all these feelings and my mind racing a mile a minute. Its fucking me up bad but everyone is experiencing hard times and they are doing what they need to to survive.
I always believed that the only way to kill yourself was to cut yourself from ear to ear. An act like that takes commitment. Now I'm a pussy and plan on ordering some needles, copping heroin and doing two shots, one to enjoy and one to kill me.
My dog is sleeping a lot, peeing a lot and having hip problems. He still plays a lot with his toys but if i hadn't ignored him so much when i was using hardcore he probably wouldn't be having physical issues right now.
Life isn't a fucking gift. I fucking hate it.
Sometimes I fantasize about getting shot in the head by someone trying to rob the pizza shop i work at. Sometimes I just daydream about collapsing from an aneurism.
I just don't want to be around anymore. Haven't I done what I'm supposed to to earn death? What more do I need to do? Please tell me so that I can get it over with.