08-12-2008, 16:53 #40
Pillthrill
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 The Funeral
Raven hair against the bed of a white casket,
of a girl who could stand to bear no more.
The red roses that now surround her,
red as the blood as into her skin she tore.
Say goodbye sweet love.
I knew somewhere you cared for me.
But it took this and death,
to even make you to even begin to see.
Its too late, as the colors fade.
Fade to shades of gray.
Gone from this world,
no longer praying to make it one more day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; 08-12-2008 at 17:01.. Reason: fixed
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08-12-2008, 18:55 #41
Mariposa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.
I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.
But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...
Planning your own funeral is a blatant attention-seeking gesture.
If you are thinking about how badly people will feel about the loss of your presence in the world after you die, you are punishing yourself with an unmanageable level of guilt. Knock it off. Now. You have a roof over your head, people (even myself) that give a fuck about you, and you don't have a monopoly on suicidal thoughts.
You are threatening to take your own life with a weapon or by any other means necessary. This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.
It is necessary for you to be less snobbish about choice of hospital and to get to the nearest one. Besides, if the people in your life "don't care enough to get you help" how do you expect they would bother to show up at the funeral you have so meticulously planned in lieu of your real world responsibilities?
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08-12-2008, 23:59 #42
Pillthrill
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Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 I'm allowed expression.
I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.
I'm done posting for now.
I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; Yesterday at 04:15..
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Yesterday, 00:45 #43
drug_wench
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Location: auckland, nz
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mariposa
This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.
dont take anyones words to heart
as u can see, whether anyones words seem harsh or not, its cos we r concerned for u
u r getting seemingly more and more suicidal - and yes, as plenty of us hav lost ppl to suicide, not all of us r going to react the way u want us to
mariposa said wat she said (im guessing) to give u a wake-up call
nothing else is working so far
and this is becoming more and more of a medical emergency
i suggest, whether u like hospital or not, u take urself there soon
cos if u cant pull thru this without medical help then u cud easily end up doing something which u hav no chance to regret
like ive said to u, it will get better - it has before
why cant u wait till uve tried the new meds etc before doing drastic things like making funeral plans and wills etc?
u say u want this thread open for support just so u know ppl care about u - u can see ppl care about u, but dont go scaring those ppl by telling us ur funeral plans and how u plan on ending ur life!
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Yesterday, 01:51 #44
wegwoman
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Location: in a house
Posts: 10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthrea...397757&page=28
this is coming fromthe above thread. I'm afraid I wear everyone around me out. Hence why I figure why bother hanging around. I would put thisis a journal becuase thats where it should be, but the journals are gone. And like I said no one else gives a shit anymore.
At this point I'm not even sure I can make it until Christmas...Let alone after that. There is also a glitch in my plan that either I need to work out or come up with another method. God I'm so afraid its going to hurt...I don't know why. I know no one can morally (on the board) suggest something less painful.
OD yeah been there done that, twice. I'm so stupid I can't kill myself right.
And there is no GOOD drugs to do that on anyway. I go back and forth everyday. Hospital or suicide. I have pretty much promised that no matter what I choose I'm going to do it, plan it and do it right.
Haha I keep begging my parents for a puppy for Christmas, hoping it would bring me some happiness or give me a reason so live. How pathetic. And of course I'm told no.
I'm always told, it could be worse. You could be your grandma in the hospital fighting cancer. There is someone that is always going to have it worse and a lot of people blow their brains out everyday. P.S. Not an option, can't afford, don't know how to buy, it would be obvious, and it would suck to be missing half my face and still be in this world.
But hell nothings fool proof... I just want to get close...
Oh my goodness, I care, I have been there to many times to count, I lost my mom at 16 to cancer, arrested at 17 for delivery of a controlled substance, 2 rehabs, a half way house. Suicide was always my escape route, but I’m not going to go into all the details but when you die there is a natural order to things, I have felt the positive side which is more beautiful than mortal words can describe and I have also felt the negative side and it’s more terrifying than human words can describe, I’m positive that there is a force out there, some call it God, but it’s not a man in a white robe it’s much, much, much more than that it’s a Force, basically LOVE. Positive thought is where it begins, you have to force out negative though with some thing, I have been a junkie who used to shoot up so much that I used my arms, legs anywhere I could possibly get a vein, I have lost my Mom my Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather, never had any brothers and sisters, the man I was with for 13 years was the victim of a drunk driver, I know what pain is, so I’m not talking out my ass. Have you had blood work done to see if there is a chemical imbalance, because you can go to counseling till your ears bleed and if U have an imbalance in your brain it won’t madder. You sound so young, Please try every other option before U end it, some times U just got to hang on, There is a higher power that spoke the universe into existence and It and I love you very much, and whether you realize it or not you’re a child of the most high, and your very valuable even if you don’t feel like it now. I am going to send U my unconditional love and positive energy, your situation hasn’t come to stay and it will pass, Please think about it, get that puppy and let someone you trust know how sad U feel, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Wegwoman
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Yesterday, 04:13 #45
Pillthrill
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 the funeral plans, the will, the living will and the hospital of choice were all pickedout BEFORE I was offered the new meds I start mid
week.
Only half is that is true, I just wanted an outlet. I'm too much of a coaward to cut deep enough to kill me.
Thanks wegwoman.
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Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 The Funeral
Raven hair against the bed of a white casket,
of a girl who could stand to bear no more.
The red roses that now surround her,
red as the blood as into her skin she tore.
Say goodbye sweet love.
I knew somewhere you cared for me.
But it took this and death,
to even make you to even begin to see.
Its too late, as the colors fade.
Fade to shades of gray.
Gone from this world,
no longer praying to make it one more day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; 08-12-2008 at 17:01.. Reason: fixed
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08-12-2008, 18:55 #41
Mariposa
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Sex, Love & Relationships
Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 17,519
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I used to do Tramadol,
"artifical happiness" but I can't now. It doesn't come, I'm worried about drug screenings.
I mess up every relationship in my life. Everyone close to me resents me in some way. God it would be so much easier if I knew how to buy a hand gun and not be obvious. I'm not dumb I can use a weapon.
But then again thinking about the other person, an open casket is good for healing. Maybe I'm write so word-age on that later and post it...
Planning your own funeral is a blatant attention-seeking gesture.
If you are thinking about how badly people will feel about the loss of your presence in the world after you die, you are punishing yourself with an unmanageable level of guilt. Knock it off. Now. You have a roof over your head, people (even myself) that give a fuck about you, and you don't have a monopoly on suicidal thoughts.
You are threatening to take your own life with a weapon or by any other means necessary. This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.
It is necessary for you to be less snobbish about choice of hospital and to get to the nearest one. Besides, if the people in your life "don't care enough to get you help" how do you expect they would bother to show up at the funeral you have so meticulously planned in lieu of your real world responsibilities?
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08-12-2008, 23:59 #42
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 I'm allowed expression.
I'm on a watch by counselor.
If you hand experience I had inpatient you wouldn't want to do back either.
I'm done posting for now.
I will sleep well with your words on my mind.....
You know, I'm sure many are thinking. Quit stalling and get one with it huh?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Pillthrill; Yesterday at 04:15..
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Yesterday, 00:45 #43
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side
Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mariposa
This is an obvious medical emergency which, since you are a psychology student, you know.
dont take anyones words to heart
as u can see, whether anyones words seem harsh or not, its cos we r concerned for u
u r getting seemingly more and more suicidal - and yes, as plenty of us hav lost ppl to suicide, not all of us r going to react the way u want us to
mariposa said wat she said (im guessing) to give u a wake-up call
nothing else is working so far
and this is becoming more and more of a medical emergency
i suggest, whether u like hospital or not, u take urself there soon
cos if u cant pull thru this without medical help then u cud easily end up doing something which u hav no chance to regret
like ive said to u, it will get better - it has before
why cant u wait till uve tried the new meds etc before doing drastic things like making funeral plans and wills etc?
u say u want this thread open for support just so u know ppl care about u - u can see ppl care about u, but dont go scaring those ppl by telling us ur funeral plans and how u plan on ending ur life!
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Yesterday, 01:51 #44
wegwoman
Greenlighter
Offline:
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: in a house
Posts: 10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthrea...397757&page=28
this is coming fromthe above thread. I'm afraid I wear everyone around me out. Hence why I figure why bother hanging around. I would put thisis a journal becuase thats where it should be, but the journals are gone. And like I said no one else gives a shit anymore.
At this point I'm not even sure I can make it until Christmas...Let alone after that. There is also a glitch in my plan that either I need to work out or come up with another method. God I'm so afraid its going to hurt...I don't know why. I know no one can morally (on the board) suggest something less painful.
OD yeah been there done that, twice. I'm so stupid I can't kill myself right.
And there is no GOOD drugs to do that on anyway. I go back and forth everyday. Hospital or suicide. I have pretty much promised that no matter what I choose I'm going to do it, plan it and do it right.
Haha I keep begging my parents for a puppy for Christmas, hoping it would bring me some happiness or give me a reason so live. How pathetic. And of course I'm told no.
I'm always told, it could be worse. You could be your grandma in the hospital fighting cancer. There is someone that is always going to have it worse and a lot of people blow their brains out everyday. P.S. Not an option, can't afford, don't know how to buy, it would be obvious, and it would suck to be missing half my face and still be in this world.
But hell nothings fool proof... I just want to get close...
Oh my goodness, I care, I have been there to many times to count, I lost my mom at 16 to cancer, arrested at 17 for delivery of a controlled substance, 2 rehabs, a half way house. Suicide was always my escape route, but I’m not going to go into all the details but when you die there is a natural order to things, I have felt the positive side which is more beautiful than mortal words can describe and I have also felt the negative side and it’s more terrifying than human words can describe, I’m positive that there is a force out there, some call it God, but it’s not a man in a white robe it’s much, much, much more than that it’s a Force, basically LOVE. Positive thought is where it begins, you have to force out negative though with some thing, I have been a junkie who used to shoot up so much that I used my arms, legs anywhere I could possibly get a vein, I have lost my Mom my Dad, Grandmother, Grandfather, never had any brothers and sisters, the man I was with for 13 years was the victim of a drunk driver, I know what pain is, so I’m not talking out my ass. Have you had blood work done to see if there is a chemical imbalance, because you can go to counseling till your ears bleed and if U have an imbalance in your brain it won’t madder. You sound so young, Please try every other option before U end it, some times U just got to hang on, There is a higher power that spoke the universe into existence and It and I love you very much, and whether you realize it or not you’re a child of the most high, and your very valuable even if you don’t feel like it now. I am going to send U my unconditional love and positive energy, your situation hasn’t come to stay and it will pass, Please think about it, get that puppy and let someone you trust know how sad U feel, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Wegwoman
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Yesterday, 04:13 #45
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 the funeral plans, the will, the living will and the hospital of choice were all pickedout BEFORE I was offered the new meds I start mid
week.
Only half is that is true, I just wanted an outlet. I'm too much of a coaward to cut deep enough to kill me.
Thanks wegwoman.
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