Blogs

Now...I have misplaced maybe even lost my cell phone. So now I can't call Sean, can't even tell him to call the house phone until I find it. I've looked. Stupid, stupid, it will teach me to zip my god damn purse. The weekend is all we REALLY have. Its just one more thing to try to push me over the edge. My anxiety level is so high and now this. I cleaned my car the other day and went out in pjs in the cold to try to find it. Its likely dead. jesus fucking christ why do I ever even fuck try. I fail at everything, at getting a job, at doing enough for my family...my brother felt the need to call me a cunt today because I didn't understand him...I wanted to go cry but had no where to go.
But now I can and I have been on and off for hours. I HATE THIS! god damn it!

...

I got a tattoo of my favorite "impossible object," and my theme for all of my next tattoos are going to be based on geometry and physics. Here's was my first and obvious choice, which I was definitely sure of - still deciding on the rest of them:



I put it on my right shoulder and it's approximately 3 inches tall and 3 inches wide. I explained the concept to the artist, and he suggested that shadows be added to exemplify the geometric impossibility of the triangle, and after checking out his sketch I agreed. I'm happy with the final product, and as soon as it fades a little bit the shadow work is really going to stand out. I'll see if I can get my roommate to take a picture of it tomorrow (asleep right now), even though it is kind of rough looking right now around the tattoo.

I'd be interested in any suggestions on what to get next, so long as it sticks with a general physics/geometry/mathematics theme... Peace!

I'm unhappy, depressed and suicidal and I don't know why really. I have ideas but god knows. I'm taking my meds, as much as I'm allowed. I need stronger anxiety meds k-pins at 2mg isn't cutting the generalized anxiety.

But then again, Sean is causing it. I think there are things he isn't telling me. Things that could happen to him. How he can't seem to get it together and now for some reason I don't want to tell him I love him right now. That makes me sad. His phone is off so he can't comfort me.

When he asked. I said nothing and lay next to him and cried. whats the point? Can I expect him to be as open as I am. I have no secrets from him. Trust in communication is all you have in a relationship.

He had to sleep all day, whats the point of being here to be with me watching TV for 2 hours or so.I felt lonely even with him here. I don't know what to do. I feel he has a hole he can't dig out of and I have willingly put myself in it, and now I can't help him out. See OWI...

I care for him so much. Maybe I put my feelings in too fast again!!!! And now its going to fall apart. When he made me happy SO happy, how can I give it up?

Why? Why do I have to be depressed and suicidal again when I have been so happy. Why me? Thats the question? Why must I always feel so much pain?

I have therapy in a few weeks...but its not like I WANT to spill everything first appt.
Go to therapy and then see about new meds. because the 2mg k-pins isn't cutting even the generalized anxiety, and that's what I'm supposed to take for panic attacks.

I need something. Last night I sunk to huffing duster just to change the way I feel...I'm sick. I'm am so mentally sick.

So fucking worthless. Why should Sean drive here and risk trouble to see me? I have no job, I can't drive all the time. I'm worthless, lost my job because I'm stupid and now I'm too stupid to pass a test to get one. I guess I'm gonna have to buck up, take a job I hate, with bad hours just to make it. Sean does.

I want to plea for help, but I can only help myself but i don't know how and it takes time. Its all treatable but never curable. I'm just fucked. why live this way!

Today is Tuesday, Janurary 27th, 2009 and it is now 12:30 AM.

I am listening to Sylvia Tosun's "Underlying Feeling," the soulshifter mix, but am taxed for time so will not fool with the Youtube links, etc. Also been listening to Dead Confederate, Jet, and Keane's massive song, "Spiralling." Will try to do the links on my next entry.

Have not had ANY time for reading . Will get to that...

Rizza is safe on Cebu, in school and still working on her Nursing Degree. I am still in San Franz and things are getting very bad here.

NPA is making gains in an incredible way. Over the last 4 days military convoys have been hauling ass in Withdrawal out of the Valley (I live in a valley in the Diwata Mountain Range, near Andap and Compostela Valleys although ours has no real name, but is called locally after Rizza's mom's family's surname since we settled it and are the largest clan in the region).

I am in Agusan del Sur Province, and cholera has finally reached us and look at me not getting my inoculation. Will I not look hilarious if i up and die from it? It has struck in Barangay#41 in La Paz, a village right outside ours, in fact our main rice farm is half in this village and half in that. A Manobo, Agusan Manobo to be exact, is the first official case but half the village is dying and it will be a day or two and then we will see it , no doubt.

At the same time we expect to be overrun within hours bit all the guns are out, and as always they will surely pass us by, we are not easy pickings. I do not expect to post within the next week, but if it takes longer than 2 weeks I would imagine you have seen the last of me. Rizza will post something, she is a member as well but never posts, just keeps tabs on her old man.

Never got my new AKs from Danao as I have been contracting for them, but they are not even finished being made, let alone in transit so we will maek do with our M16s and my one Galil.

NPA are not like some guerilla armies, FARC for example in Colombia in that they only target certain things and not not blanket targets, like all land holders which would mean we would be executed on sight.

Indeed, we have dealings with them as anyone does in this part of the world, but who can say what will happen in time of war? Our females are out, save for come of the Labourers' wives who are better off here than dying in the Muslim War farther south where the MILF has made advances in their Provinces (Cotabatao Sur and Norte, 2 provinces).

The Bisaya militias/paras are doing fine near Cagayan but in Cotabato it is Muslim Land and it is damn bloody. We have 500,000 refugees, literally half a million internal refugees only since August, where the fuck is the media? You can see it on wires, a pragraph of blood and guts but where is the Western piss and vinegar? The outrage? Fucking more than 100,00 have died here in 10 years, 14 insurrections today, and where is the world???

Anyway, sorry to be a bit dour but life is not grand here , at least I have the electricity on and that is fucking amazing. Now we have better service than we have ever had! Thank Heavens for little things!

I will post in a week or so, G-D willing.

I got in my car today to go and see a girl called Ginna, in north west London.

I blasted westbound round the North Circular and took a left exit to be confronted by about twenty coppers and a checkpoint.

Got out, friendly copper talked to me about the car for a few minutes, seemed satisfied, said "just give a few details to my colleague jane here and you can be on your way"

I knew what was coming, of course, when I handed them my provisional drivers license. Technically I have been driving illegally for about eight months now - as the law states that a provisional license holder be accompanied by a fully licensed person.

Anyhow, car impounded = long walk home:D

I was calm, the two female coppers were hot and apologetic and then an irish copper showed up and we had a bit of craic and when he found out where I was from in Ireland he tried to get them to let me off but she had already put the info into the system.

After I left them I went a bit nuts and started to walk east along the fucking eight lane, most polluted road in Britain, north circular for an hour before regaining my senses and taking the underground for the first time in months and months.

I got back to Tottenham at 6pm and visited the local sauna where a Jamican woman with large and artificial breasts made the events of the day seem insignificant for the princely sum of £40.

Tomorrow I must reclaim my chariot from the grips of these pigfuckers.

New Years was all bollocksed up. The boy I know was nowhere to be seen, replaced by his occasional doppelganger, Mr Schizotypal.

Everything started off well enough. We journeyed down along the beach to a BBQ with some of G's old nerd friends. They were an eclectic bunch but very nice. We picked up a bottle of vodka and some juice to last the night and ventured forth to Tom's, with an intermission to feel each other up while I picked up my camera battery.

There were a lot of people at Tom's. They spilled out of every door and hung from every window. Some of them were awfully good company, and I was having a jolly old time until this twat we know arrived. He's the kind of bloke who comes along to things solely because someone's shot him a pity invite. And with good reason.

"Hi Anna," he said, taking a seat next to me. "God, you're built like a lumberjack."

As the night progressed he insulted anyone in close vicinity. The pretty young thing Michael had an eye on became "the girl with lunch lady arms", though she can't have been more than 60 kilos after a full meal. My new best friend Dave was "the guy who didn't need any more Doritos". We had a nice patio area that we'd settled into, which eventually emptied as it became obvious that the tirade would not wane.

Somewhere in the course of this happening, I noticed an empty vodka bottle next to G's chair. I am always on high alert when there's alcohol around. You see, G has alcohol induced schizophrenia. And he likes to wander when he's been drinking. He also has a tendency to become deeply suicidal.

At some point, the aforementioned twat got the best of me. This guy is all about cars and weapons and visiting prostitutes. He's obviously the product of a very complicated childhood and whilst I do feel sorry for him on some level, Jesus there is only so much a girl can bear.

"Hey Anna, do you want to hurt me? Can you get a cheese knife and cut my face? I've always wanted to say 'a chick gave me this scar', that would be awesome."

"No."

"I don't know what G sees in you."

"Great."

"Seriously, hurt me."

At this point I turned around and with actual fire shooting from my eyes growled, "I don't want to hurt you. I want you to stop fucking talking. Right now."

We sat in silence. G came out and walked past, citing 'toilet break' as his reason. 20 minutes passed and I thought I might look for him, in case he'd gone walkabout.

When I walked out on to the street, his car was gone. I had had his keys, but he must have taken them from my bag when I was otherwise occupied. So G and a bottle of vodka went for a drive. His phone was off and he had my wallet and keys in his car too.

Around 3am I got a message saying "Every once in a while you have to do something to feel alive!" I was beside myself with worry and anger and a general feeling of absolute horror. I thought he had probably gone home, but with no car and no way of contacting him I had no evidence. My options were to get lifts with the various inebriated idiots around me, or to call Michael and ask for his help. When a tow truck came hurtling down the street and headed in the direction G would have gone, I became a complete mess and began screaming into the phone to Michael.

G had made it home, and had even had the forethought to fold his side mirror in.

I'm mad that he drove drunk, I really am. But moreso I'm worried about why he did it, and whether he's okay now. I punished him by having my children jump all over him while he was hungover, and now I am going to punish him further by taking him to see Marley and Me.

Not the ideal way to see in 2009. Hopefully it's an indication that it's all uphill from here.

Well I went to a sick ass underground warehouse party on Saturday night. Ya know for a few moments I lost myself in the music, the people and the vibe. It was great. But as it was ending and I was on my way home I was forced back into my misery. A few more days have past since the beginning of this train wreck that has now become my life. It was cool as shit though to see that a few people actually took the time to read my fist blog entry, and even leave a comment.

Well here is the update. I have a few moments were I am still down, but it is still somewhat controllable. But then come the overwhelming fits of pain and disillusionment. They happen far far to often, and they seem to get worse and worse. I don't know if I've written about it yet, but when someone asks me what my current plans are with my life, I look at em and chuckle. Then I ask if they really want to know. If they say yes I tell them that the best plan I have as of right now is to sit alone in my apartment for the month that it's rent is already paid and fall deeper and deeper into depression.

I wish life was one big endless dance party. Then I could escape myself long enough to fill this hole inside myself. Well anyways that's what is going on with myself today and as of late. As the title says, life goes on and the beat continues.

PLUR,

Rollz

Sean spent the whole weekend with me. Took me to meet his friends, I really felt like I belonged there. We fight but we have from the first date, but we always say we are sorry and make up. Hes amazing and wonderful and makes me very happy. Might just be the best thing that ever happened to me. And at least treats me right, makes my ex look like a complete asshole and yeah he is. I was just blind. But I am really happy *happy dance* I'll see him in 2 days. Hes gonna help me pick out some new glasses, should we take a camera? make it really fun.

Everything is too intense to be put into words right now.

I am extremely happy, a little confused, a bit frightened and overwhelmed.

I know its going to be okay.

I must stay on the right path and not fall into the meth trap. As much as it is my usual method of coping with all issues that arise, it actually causes these issues to become so abnormal I cant possibly deal with them without being damaged.

I know that I am loved. I also love. And this is the real way to be, the way I am meant to live.

Whilst pondering over my debaucherous Friday night, I realised why I was so uncomfortable about the fact that the guy joined me and the girl in bed. I couldn't quite put my finger on it before (apart from the fact that I'm not terribly attracted to him).

Out of all the deviant things I have done, I've never really felt objectified. But sometimes, when I've kissed girls in public and get lots of guys around leering, I've always had a sort of dirty feeling that I couldn't quite understand. This happens especially with one Lithuanian girl friend of mine, who is a bit of a cock tease (but a lot of fun!) and will always kiss me and dance sexy with me when we're out clubbing. Now I don't mind too much, because she's a hottie and a great kisser - as most girls are - but at times it just felt slightly wrong, I suppose depending on the crowd as well (i.e. the types of guys around - are they the kind who will be cool about it or are they the kind that will leer and try to take pictures - as one of my workmates tried to do on Friday).

And that's the feeling I got when we were all in bed together. Most guys that I know would feel like kings if they had two hot girls together in bed. And to be honest, unless I really like the guy and feel like I want to give him that feeling, then it makes me feel objectified. Now I've had a threesome before, and in that case it was with two good friends, and I felt really good about being with the guy. I wanted him to feel like a king, and I suspect my girl friend did too. But as for Friday... I don't know. Something about it just makes me feel a bit wrong, and I wish he hadn't been there. I suppose I'd feel better about it if I didn't work with him. But I feel a little ick. Just... objectified.

It just suprises me that I can do a million other things with guys, be with guys that I don't particularly like very much (well, I have in the past), act like the perfect little submissive, etc, and that stuff doesn't take away my pride at all, even though the guy might still see me as nothing but a sexual object. For me, it's just a game. So I'm trying to get my head around why I feel so strange about threesomes and girl-on-girl in front of guys.

Any insights?

i am stuck. Trapped by the red liquid deathadone handcuffs. The clinic i go to has two sides, one is for ppl with insurance and charges an insane rate of 70$ per week, while the other side is sponsored by the state and only charges 5$ per week. I was on the state sponsored side for quite some time, at least for 2.5 of the 3 years i have been going there. about this time last year i signed up for free state sponsored health insurance, that way i could have access to a PCP, get my migraine meds and xanax legit and not order them from around the world. While it is fun to wait and track 400 .5mg xanax pills being shipped from from peru, its not really very feasable. So last month my counselor tells me that since I have insruance i am going to be switched back to the non state sponsored, pay by insurance side...ok...kinda weird.

In my mind i think it is a lateral move. its not. the only thing i can compare it to is freefalling from space, straight downward fucking trajectory. where did these ppl come from?? are manners are foreign concept or something? how is it that moving to the other side of a building, all the clients think they are intitled because their insurance covers a % of that 70$ charge? the majority im sure have lengthy adult arrest records and not many teeth. they hangout and sell their bottles, the drink their dose and puke it up and sell it. who does that? where i was before, none of the patients were like this. its almost like these scumbags on the insured side appeared from some junkie ectoplasm that pours out of the lightrail train that brings them up from the city.

all of the girls have kids, everyone has a scowl, its like social hour up there and all the constant bitching slows everything down to a crawl. i had to wait 30 minutes for my sickly sweet poison today, when it used to be as quick as putting 5$ in my gas tank. i think i am going to drop my state sponsored insurance so i can go back to the other side. my sister is on that side so i miss seeing her, plus i miss my old counselor. hes the only guy up there that knows his head from his ass. i am ready to quit this shite. im sick and tired of having to drive, even the quick ten minutes it takes, for me to get there every morning. Once i get my alp rx refilled this friday, that monday i am going to start coming down, 2mg a week. i think that will be ok. my sister is coming down 5mg a week and is having trouble.

ive considered ibogaine, at some point, possibly when ive dropped by half my dose. am i going to want to go out and get high becuse i can at that point? will i ever do heroin again? sadly i probably will...there are final hits, and then there are final hits. last time i spiked was about 3 years ago.

looking at the date on this deleted blog entry i can remember how it all felt back then, the girl i had fallen for, the girl i was with and lost (for the best) 4 years. where did it all go???? what do i have to show for it? my car, on the plus side, gained knowledge, put on some weight. on the negative, im still addicted ,now im hooked on xanax too which i know i will be taking long after i get off the meth, its going to basically be my crutch in coming off this terrible junkie juice. 4 years of my adult life i will never get back. was it worth it? no. simply for the fact i havent made any significant changes. i am in worse shape now then i was back then so yea, its been a huge back slide.

In a way, it almost brings a smile to my face, a twisted strange smile that i feel is akin to watching a train wreck, that is my life. i want more for myself. am i happier now then i was back then? probably. ask me that in another 5 minutes and i might have a different answer. sometimes i just want to combust and watch it all burn around me, awash in flames and just melt away.

4 years....hey... at least its not ten right?

i'm pissed, a little benzoed, and reasonably stoned and listening to jjj's hottest 100. Its a nice place.

in an abstract way i feel like i'm riding a bicycle down a mountain ridge. to each side of me is a sheer drop-off. the left side drop-off leads straight to a deep depression. it's the way the road leading down the ridge seems to be carrying me anyway. i haven't looked down the right hand drop off.

oh well, nothing to do but enjoy the bike ride for the moment. maybe a few more beers and the path will lead upwards for a bit. i dunno...

Why do I do this to myself, I promise I will never drink again (when I finish the hair of the dog beers that I bought), my head hurts etc...

Oh dear. what a night. I haven't been that drunk for the past half a year or so.

I shuffled down to the shop 15 mins ago, and this is my rescue pack:

1.75 litre bottle of orange juice

2 gatorades

two healthy sandwiches with lots of salad inside

4 beers (it helps where nothing else will)

And this is how I spent my night yesterday:

It was my work supervisor's fortieth birthday, and everyone got rather pissed, myself included. Lots of wine, sambuca, tequila and vodka. Never a good idea to mix. But lots of fun too. There was a bit of coke involved, as usual (that stuff is the Devil!)

An girl who I used to work with for a short while was there. About a year ago, I had flirted with her while quite coked up, and told her that if she was ever curious about women, she should just let me know. She told me she was straight.

But turns out she was a little curious, because she kissed me yesterday. And then we had sex in the toilets. Several times. It was fairly intense, and very hot.

Of course, since we were drunk, we weren't that discrete. 8( And the first place we had sex in was the pub across the road from work, where I go all the time and know the people there. In the end when they closed down, they came down to the toilets to try to get us out. Haha! Embarrassing!!! I did apologise to them though, and they were cool with it, I think they just thought it was funny.

Anyway...

We went to another club, then ended up going to afterparty with one of our regular customers. And somehow I ended up in his bedroom (poor guy) with one of our chefs and this same girl, having a threesome. Oh dear. I didn't really want to have sex with the guy, it just felt a bit wrong and he has a girlfriend, and I've slept with enough people from work anyway!!! So it was just him & her, and her & me. Ok, ok, so I had a little bit of sex with him, which feels weird. But just a bit, a minute or so. Which makes 3 guys at work that I have had sex with. Oh dear. Slag!!!! I have given up trying to maintain a good girl reputation quite a while ago. But hey, young and dumb, right? It's allowed, as long as it's as safe as possible.

I feel really bad for the guy whose room it was though. Even in my drunken state, I tried to stop it, but they were adamant,. and having a hot girl lick your pussy will convince you to do most things. I feel guilty tho. I hope I don't see him for a long long long time!!!!!

Anyway, I dragged myself out of there at 4 AM because I still had intentions of going to my Tai Chi and Qi-Gong class, which I'm really loving. Set the alarm, woke up and was still drunk, so hit the snooze button. Gutted

I'm having one of those awful hangover anxiety moments though. The kind that, even though you had a fun night and you'll appreciate the experience in the long run, you just feel a bit dirty and wrong and want to convert to being straight edge and doing lots of yoga and marrying and settling down and having babies and eating lots of raw vegetables and going to book clubs and having intellectual conversations minus the red wine.

Am I the only one who gets this? If I have a hangover, even though I had a really good night and lots of good experiences, I will focus on the negatives, replay all the tiny embarrassing moments in my brain until I want to kill myself! I guess this is why I try to avoid binge drinking... and I've been really good at that lately, although not quite as good at avoiding moderate daily drinking.


I'd love some GBL right now. But I have none since I quit. Bleh.

Tomorrow will be Day 1. What the fuck? Today was Day 7 of being clean but I grabbed some beers tonight.

The cycle fuckin' continues...

Things are good right now. I haven't written in my blog in a while so I thought I'd just type a little about how I'm dealing with things MUCH more positively than I previously have.

The girl I'm seeing and who I care for a GREAT deal (yes I love her) has gone out tonight with her most recent ex-boyfriend.

Let me explain...

I've never met him but he is apparently a good guy, perhaps a little cocky, but a decent sort nonetheless. His brother died recently and this would be a painful experience for anyone. They both went out to dinner and whatnot this evening and I'm NOT freaking out.

'M', the woman I dig, is a kind hearted, compassionate person so she is simply being there for him to get him out of the house and to cheer him up.

In the past I would be absolutely NUTS in my head right now but I trust her. She has always been honest with me even when that honesty was painful.

I will admit that I AM a bit worried but I'm not dwelling on it. I had the opportunity to see her prior to their outing but I had a TON to do so wasn't able to. I think this would have been more easing to me. We talked on the phone and I believe this is just a friendship thing that they are doing tonight.

I do have to say that I DON'T trust him, his intentions, manipulations and general motives. She is a strong, intelligent woman and knows him well enough to see through his potential manipulations. He claims to love her (shit, who wouldn't?).

I'm happy that I am becoming more secure in myself. I'm glad that I'm not freaking out. I am grateful that I'm on my medication.

I think I'm starting to grow up. I think I may be becoming a man. Who woulda thunk?

My beautiful 8 month old Maine Coon went missing on January 21st. I thought she was just romming around the neighborhood playing with cats. Yesterday i decided to go walk and look for her rather than look for her by car like i was doing. So i left my house started to look for her.. Within 2 minutes of looking for her. I found her. Not the way i wanted to. She was on the floor by the sidewalk. She had gotten hit by a car. My heart dropped. Its still even difficult for me to even type this. But i figure i've got to let it out some how. It was one of the saddest things i've ever had to endure. I still can't believe shes gone. All i can think about was the pain she went thru. It breaks my heart to think she went thru the pain she did. I can't even bring myself to say My kitty died. Because my kitty and death didn't even belong in the same sentense. She had so much life in her. She was so young. It breaks my heart sooo much. I'm even crying as i write this. I thought she was gonna be with me for years... She had soooo much more life in her. It breaks my heart. I loved my kitty sooo much. She was an indoor/outdoor kitty. I regreat sooo much ever letting her go outside. If i could go back now and never let her go out i would. Even if she meowed in my ear for hours. I'm so sad. I can't believe my kitty is gone. My precious beautiful kitty. I miss her so much. Its so sad here without her. I feeel like its so quiet. Nobody chasing me around. Nobody purring in my face. I can't believe shes gone. I would've spent so much more time with her. I hate losing things i love. I hate it. Second thing i've lost in 2 yrs. I hate it. I hate it. Its the worst emotional feeling in the world to lose something u love. In my case something i love got taken from me. Its sooo sad. errr. Thats why i hate talking about this. It just gets me sooo angry. I love Miss Kitty. I guess i just gotta think of all the good times i had with her. . I'm gona have to end this blog. I'm getting to emotional.

your feet smell. horribly. please remedy this

I have some stupid drama that I unwillingly was dragged into the middle of. One best friend is at war with another for something so trivial I can't believe they're even making an issue out of it. She kept the stuff he lent her and wouldn't give it back, he put me in the position of trying to get it back. I could have said no, but then I would be a "bad friend". Finally tonight I just let him in and helped him steal it back, since it's rightfully his. I feel better now that everyone has their items back, but I feel worse knowing that one of them is lying to me about the other, and that it's being made into my problem too. I feel shocked to realize that friends I really look up to and trust turned out to be petty and cruel people, just pretending to be nice people. How long is it until they turn against me for some silly mistake I make in the future? Who knows?

I can't trust anyone, humanity is fucked, life is a sham, I wish I was dead, etc... you see where this goes. I feel like I'm on shaky ground.

Well at least I am planting some trees tomorrow, I'm doing something meaningful and useful towards my future and the future of the planet. And it will be fun, too (albeit cold). I'm staying up all night studying, then doing the tree planting in a few hours, then more studying.. At least I got a ton of sleep Thursday so I am all set for a few days.

I am going to try Datura for my first time now that i have moved to australia. I am not sure whats going to happen so could i plaesa have some advice on dosage setting and other important details?