Blogs

Why do I do this to myself, I promise I will never drink again (when I finish the hair of the dog beers that I bought), my head hurts etc...

Oh dear. what a night. I haven't been that drunk for the past half a year or so.

I shuffled down to the shop 15 mins ago, and this is my rescue pack:

1.75 litre bottle of orange juice

2 gatorades

two healthy sandwiches with lots of salad inside

4 beers (it helps where nothing else will)

And this is how I spent my night yesterday:

It was my work supervisor's fortieth birthday, and everyone got rather pissed, myself included. Lots of wine, sambuca, tequila and vodka. Never a good idea to mix. But lots of fun too. There was a bit of coke involved, as usual (that stuff is the Devil!)

An girl who I used to work with for a short while was there. About a year ago, I had flirted with her while quite coked up, and told her that if she was ever curious about women, she should just let me know. She told me she was straight.

But turns out she was a little curious, because she kissed me yesterday. And then we had sex in the toilets. Several times. It was fairly intense, and very hot.

Of course, since we were drunk, we weren't that discrete. 8( And the first place we had sex in was the pub across the road from work, where I go all the time and know the people there. In the end when they closed down, they came down to the toilets to try to get us out. Haha! Embarrassing!!! I did apologise to them though, and they were cool with it, I think they just thought it was funny.

Anyway...

We went to another club, then ended up going to afterparty with one of our regular customers. And somehow I ended up in his bedroom (poor guy) with one of our chefs and this same girl, having a threesome. Oh dear. I didn't really want to have sex with the guy, it just felt a bit wrong and he has a girlfriend, and I've slept with enough people from work anyway!!! So it was just him & her, and her & me. Ok, ok, so I had a little bit of sex with him, which feels weird. But just a bit, a minute or so. Which makes 3 guys at work that I have had sex with. Oh dear. Slag!!!! I have given up trying to maintain a good girl reputation quite a while ago. But hey, young and dumb, right? It's allowed, as long as it's as safe as possible.

I feel really bad for the guy whose room it was though. Even in my drunken state, I tried to stop it, but they were adamant,. and having a hot girl lick your pussy will convince you to do most things. I feel guilty tho. I hope I don't see him for a long long long time!!!!!

Anyway, I dragged myself out of there at 4 AM because I still had intentions of going to my Tai Chi and Qi-Gong class, which I'm really loving. Set the alarm, woke up and was still drunk, so hit the snooze button. Gutted

I'm having one of those awful hangover anxiety moments though. The kind that, even though you had a fun night and you'll appreciate the experience in the long run, you just feel a bit dirty and wrong and want to convert to being straight edge and doing lots of yoga and marrying and settling down and having babies and eating lots of raw vegetables and going to book clubs and having intellectual conversations minus the red wine.

Am I the only one who gets this? If I have a hangover, even though I had a really good night and lots of good experiences, I will focus on the negatives, replay all the tiny embarrassing moments in my brain until I want to kill myself! I guess this is why I try to avoid binge drinking... and I've been really good at that lately, although not quite as good at avoiding moderate daily drinking.


I'd love some GBL right now. But I have none since I quit. Bleh.

Tomorrow will be Day 1. What the fuck? Today was Day 7 of being clean but I grabbed some beers tonight.

The cycle fuckin' continues...

Things are good right now. I haven't written in my blog in a while so I thought I'd just type a little about how I'm dealing with things MUCH more positively than I previously have.

The girl I'm seeing and who I care for a GREAT deal (yes I love her) has gone out tonight with her most recent ex-boyfriend.

Let me explain...

I've never met him but he is apparently a good guy, perhaps a little cocky, but a decent sort nonetheless. His brother died recently and this would be a painful experience for anyone. They both went out to dinner and whatnot this evening and I'm NOT freaking out.

'M', the woman I dig, is a kind hearted, compassionate person so she is simply being there for him to get him out of the house and to cheer him up.

In the past I would be absolutely NUTS in my head right now but I trust her. She has always been honest with me even when that honesty was painful.

I will admit that I AM a bit worried but I'm not dwelling on it. I had the opportunity to see her prior to their outing but I had a TON to do so wasn't able to. I think this would have been more easing to me. We talked on the phone and I believe this is just a friendship thing that they are doing tonight.

I do have to say that I DON'T trust him, his intentions, manipulations and general motives. She is a strong, intelligent woman and knows him well enough to see through his potential manipulations. He claims to love her (shit, who wouldn't?).

I'm happy that I am becoming more secure in myself. I'm glad that I'm not freaking out. I am grateful that I'm on my medication.

I think I'm starting to grow up. I think I may be becoming a man. Who woulda thunk?

My beautiful 8 month old Maine Coon went missing on January 21st. I thought she was just romming around the neighborhood playing with cats. Yesterday i decided to go walk and look for her rather than look for her by car like i was doing. So i left my house started to look for her.. Within 2 minutes of looking for her. I found her. Not the way i wanted to. She was on the floor by the sidewalk. She had gotten hit by a car. My heart dropped. Its still even difficult for me to even type this. But i figure i've got to let it out some how. It was one of the saddest things i've ever had to endure. I still can't believe shes gone. All i can think about was the pain she went thru. It breaks my heart to think she went thru the pain she did. I can't even bring myself to say My kitty died. Because my kitty and death didn't even belong in the same sentense. She had so much life in her. She was so young. It breaks my heart sooo much. I'm even crying as i write this. I thought she was gonna be with me for years... She had soooo much more life in her. It breaks my heart. I loved my kitty sooo much. She was an indoor/outdoor kitty. I regreat sooo much ever letting her go outside. If i could go back now and never let her go out i would. Even if she meowed in my ear for hours. I'm so sad. I can't believe my kitty is gone. My precious beautiful kitty. I miss her so much. Its so sad here without her. I feeel like its so quiet. Nobody chasing me around. Nobody purring in my face. I can't believe shes gone. I would've spent so much more time with her. I hate losing things i love. I hate it. Second thing i've lost in 2 yrs. I hate it. I hate it. Its the worst emotional feeling in the world to lose something u love. In my case something i love got taken from me. Its sooo sad. errr. Thats why i hate talking about this. It just gets me sooo angry. I love Miss Kitty. I guess i just gotta think of all the good times i had with her. . I'm gona have to end this blog. I'm getting to emotional.

your feet smell. horribly. please remedy this

I have some stupid drama that I unwillingly was dragged into the middle of. One best friend is at war with another for something so trivial I can't believe they're even making an issue out of it. She kept the stuff he lent her and wouldn't give it back, he put me in the position of trying to get it back. I could have said no, but then I would be a "bad friend". Finally tonight I just let him in and helped him steal it back, since it's rightfully his. I feel better now that everyone has their items back, but I feel worse knowing that one of them is lying to me about the other, and that it's being made into my problem too. I feel shocked to realize that friends I really look up to and trust turned out to be petty and cruel people, just pretending to be nice people. How long is it until they turn against me for some silly mistake I make in the future? Who knows?

I can't trust anyone, humanity is fucked, life is a sham, I wish I was dead, etc... you see where this goes. I feel like I'm on shaky ground.

Well at least I am planting some trees tomorrow, I'm doing something meaningful and useful towards my future and the future of the planet. And it will be fun, too (albeit cold). I'm staying up all night studying, then doing the tree planting in a few hours, then more studying.. At least I got a ton of sleep Thursday so I am all set for a few days.

I am going to try Datura for my first time now that i have moved to australia. I am not sure whats going to happen so could i plaesa have some advice on dosage setting and other important details?

A couple months ago I had to call maintenance to come out and fix my toilet as one of the pipes was leaking. They fixed it and everything was fine for a bit. Now it seemed like the tank for the toilet was overflowing when I flushed it. I opened up the tank to see what was going on and got sprayed with a bunch of fucking toilet water!

So I called again and now they're coming out to fix it. The property manager was a complete bitch about it though. She just seemed like it was such a hassle and didn't want to deal with it. Sorry lady, but I'm not a fucking plumber!

I should have known that that toilet would be cursed as soon as I moved in. When I first picked up the keys for this apartment it wouldn't flush.

Now I have to sit here and wait until maintenance comes. Hopefully it's soon, because I really want to smoke a bowl. So frustrating!!

My ex boyfriend is exactly like the one before him except has absolutely no six pack, no good looks, no smouldering Greek passion- hes was just another crackhead with a big dick who ran when supply dwindled.

I will never again mistake the hunger of a crackhead for drugs for love.

I will never consume again.

I will never lower my standards again.

May he rest in pieces when he dies.

Me and my buddy just bought a few grams of 20X Salvia. Now ive taken acid before and smoked salvia but is it a good idea to combine both?

Now ive been smoking weed for years, and i love it but i decided i wanted to try something different with weed. so i tried to cook it, looked up some recipes and did them but they didnt comeout so well. Can someone experienced give me some tips?

The supreme conundrum. All is perhaps one, or 2 existences

that are parrallel, yet not as a whole, at least in the terms

of human understanding and perception. Irritating

speculation, no?

As in one never "meets" the other, ordinarily (for us at least,

being homo sapiens).

We'll get into the personal experiences of converging them

both after the break. In the meantime, perhaps existing, for

however short or long a time, as we understand it. However,

for example take the the concept of the "other," the second

universe (or however you would define it, based on individual

perception). Shamans know this, have for eons. Many

ancient, indigineous cultures, in fact.

I myself have witnessed this concept personally, which is

what I will now elaborate on.

For one, currently I feel I am connected to my surroundings,

existence as we know it, everything within the realm of my

personal perception, inside and out. This is no recent

realization. The connections felt between flesh and "soul"

(my own), fauna, flora, and their inhabitant environments (I

believe), one can admit in all seriousness, even under oath

perhaps for those naysayers, those nabobs, has always been

with me, and by means no simple farce or delusion.

The most sincere truth, sense one certainly doesn't possess

as a certainty. Its most common form of strength comes

with solitude, away from the heinous and insulting sounds

and sights of industry, red neon lights, flashing bulbs,

concrete, failed versions of "quality" once sought after by

great minds and visionaries, at least as such as collectively

deemed.

Personally, in my experience, nature, particularly any

desolute and beautiful is the strongest connection I have

felt, however sublte, or intense, for that matter. Once, after

imbibing 600mg of dextromethorphan hybromide, with

perhaps 20mg diazepam for the jitters, to my pleasant

surprise, my intuition was validated. Not only was I, the

Earth Mother (Gaia), but it in fact, was also me. The

language of one particularly hardy fellow. The specimen was

a large, quite old, and elegant creature. Some species of

large tree, perhaps maple or oak. Timleless. This was, oddly

enough, starting at the very beginning of the path and my

psychonautical and physical journey. Interesting enough

now, the divine experience occurred upon retiring for the

evening (I don't much care for mosquitoes, despite their

obvious interest in consuming consuming the plasma they

consume post-lance and drain, but perhaps the various

compounds running the the blood stream.

Perhaps, may be part of them as well.[/color][/color][/size]

To be continued,

-Too Sea Boyante

Today is Wednesday, Janurary 7th, 2009 and it is now 11:30 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise I have been listening to one of the first white rappers to make it big. Long before Marshall Mathers hit it big and got hooked on Vicodin, this young man was ripping shit up in Dirty Jerzey (sic). Raised in the PJs (public housing projects) in Perth Amboy, NJ, right across the river from NYC's Staten Island, he came to the attention of the East Orange/Newark rap group Naughty By Nature (who cannot remember their mega-hot "OPP"?) whose lead rapper, Treach, produced the following song. Who is this rapper? Milkbone (who also tried to call Eminem out in a feud but that is another story). Anyone who guessed "Snow" or worse yet either "Marky Mark" or "Vanilla Ice" will have their Offical Hip Hop ID Card revoked pending a hearing on your sanity):"Keep it Real"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8VNrhEUs5s

The second song is by the R&B diva "Kelis." Perhaps better known as the rapper Nas' main squeeze, or maybe not anymore since I am stuck in the bush of Mindanao, she first came to notice with the following song, which was also one of the first hits produced by the duo "Neptunes."

Neptunes by the way, consist of Pharell who is now producing solo, as well as his Filipino-American partner whose name escapes me. The song? "Caught Out There." This song is niiiiice.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoYXzFblq6g


The book I am currently reading is ,"Isaac Bashevis Singer: The Magician of West 86th Street" which as the title suggests, is a biography of the great fictional author Isaac Bashevis Singer (duh). It is written by Paul Kresh and I just started it. I am in the intro, so my opinion of it will have to wait.

In between I have also been reading more out of print works by local historical societies like "Bakbakan International," "Filipiniana Book Guild" and "Cacho Hermanos." Great Philippine non-fiction on the People, the culture, the history, flora and fauna and so on.

Rizza is sick, has a fever but she is of course on Cebu and I cannot care for her. Her nanny is taking care of her and giving me hourly updates. Nothing serious but in this country you never know. Dengue, Cholera, dysentary, you name it

We had another earthquake yesterday. We get a 6 or 7 every couple of weeks if you can imagine.The safest place to be in an earthquake is under a door frame. I would think it would be outside a dweeling/building but they say, in an earthquake you should stand in a doorway, it is the safest place... and believe me I HAVE researched it.

I was talking with Mom about it and found out something that even I did not know. In 1976 in the Sulu Sea which is on the south west coast of our island (Mindanao), there was a 7.9/8 earthquake. The US Pacific Warning Center in Hawaii gave a Tsunami warning for places north of the Philippines but then cancelled even that a few minutes later.

So...when a 15 foot high Tsunami sweapt the west coast of our island noone knew what had hit them, not that a warning would have mattered. Not even today is it possible to warn people since electricity is rare here, let alone TVs and radios.

Officially 9,000 people died which means it was at least 36,000, Entire villages were erased. Life is so cheap here. I hate to use that phrase because it sounds denigrating but it is very apt. Death is so commonplace. Disease, hunger, warfare, feuds, vigilantism, crime, earthquakes, Tsunamis, tornadoes (only on Zamboanga thank G-D at least one thing less to think about here.

Good news today. Yesterday 2nd Lt Cammayo, the Special Forces officer being held POW by the NPA was released to an NGO and transferred to the Red Cross. They released him just over the mountain in back of my house, on the border of Loreto, the next small village , in the bush south of us, and the village of La'an which straddles Comval (Compostela Valley) the newly created province created one village south.

Loreto is deep in the bush, a few kilometers from the nearest paved road and so they had to hike out but I bet he did not give a flying fuck after thinking he would be executed for Crimes Against the People. Actually, they usually do release POWs , to garner the propaganda points as well as get their comrades released from the govt (although that is rarely if ever discussed in the press of course).

He was taken I believe on 11/07, in an engagement on National Hiway in the village of Monkayo, 3 villages south of us. I forget how many died in that one, I know his squad was wiped out and I believe 2 guerillas as well.

A couple of days later they snatched a Police Officer (police are deployed as counter warfare forces as well on this island in military formations). That POW, Tumol, was released faster because the mayor of Davao arranged to trade 2 guerillas sitting in his jail for that man. Cammayo was schedualed to have been released this past Sunday but the 10th Infantry had iniated operations in Comval and pissed the NPA off.

That had steadily said that they would release Cammayo IF the govt. ceased operations in the interim and the govt. could not even get THAT right. I bet he and his pregnant wife were pissed beyond words but at least they are in each others arms today.


Because of the character count I will continue shortly...

aight i got some pills from a friend....long story short i found out they were tramadol hcl 50 mg....i need to know if i can take three of them without being in serious risk...pretty much need to know if i wont die

I don't like the way I feel, so I will do anything to change it. I drove 30 miles in the HOPE of seeing Sean. For nothing. He won't return my calls or texts. So I stopped at the grocery store and got coffee cups, pepsi and whiskey.Deal with it as Sean would. I just don't like beer.

I'm not different than anyone else here. I don't deserve judgment on my own damn blog. Save that for somewhere else, like in your head. because I try to keep it off the boards..

Well I've exhausted the thread I started in TDS forum. It has fallen far out of site so I well post my first blog. Its 1am right now and I can't sleep to well. I'm coming off of an SSRI right now, and it sucks ass. My life is a total fucking mess right now. I am experiencing withdraws from the SSRIs which is somewhat unexpected. Once I started withdrawing I got suspicious and looked it up on this site, google and wiki. Sure enough it's withdraw. That's funny too because I've spent most of my grown life chasing one chemical or another and have never until now experienced any kind of withdraw. It sucks too. I'm getting constant brain zaps. They are far more extreme then any brain zaps I have ever had from any MDMA binge. What the fuck right? This chemical that a Doctor prescribed me has fucked me up worse than any illegal substance I ever put in my body has!

Back track a month or so. I found my self emotionally out of control. Really I always have been and probably still will be till the day I die. Around a month ago I started to care about it though. I tried to get help and it seems to have been in vein. As of the start of my depressed suicidal rant I have found out that things are not as they seemed to be for me and my wife. She didn't cheat or nothing like that. We just have some things that we don't seem the same and it has been effecting us for awhile and now she and I have fallen apart. I could have sworn that this would never happen but it has. The kids left with her. I am so empty and lonely inside right now. I'm not sleeping at night, I cry all the time, and to make things worse I can not stand crying.

I'm falling apart fast. At times Im starting to scare myself. My depression becomes overwhelming. The only thing I can do that seems to be positive is dance in my living room. Fuck Im starting to cry right now! What the fuck! I hate this. Well at least I have met someone through this site that has taken the time to actually listen to me whine through text messaging. Thanks homie it means a lot.

Right now as my personal quote says I just want to dance until all the pain disappears. I want to go to an event and dance all night. I want to get lost in the music and the spectacle. I want to be immersed in the whole psychedelic techno world. There is an event in my area on Saturday, but the car was in my wife's name. Fuck another knife in my heart.

Well then my peeps, I think I'm done with this, my first blog. I'm glad that I found this site though. Really its the only life I have right now HAHA sucks to be me See y'all on the other side when I make it through.

Much Love,

Rollz

I know how lame this sounds. ANd I have done enough reading on bluelight to always know that smoking any pill is stupid. ANd usually very very wastefull.

But these guys came up from my old hometown Sudbury.( to where I live now..Ottawa) and I scroed some pills for them. ANd they smoked them. THey broke them into little peices (80mg pills) and smoked them off tin foil. As it melts and puffs out smoke it runs along the tin foil in a river like way with almost an iceburg of oxy melting away in it. As it moves they follow underneath with the lighter..Low flame of course.

I told them that this most be soo unhealthy and totally wastefull. Im like most of the oxy is being burned as its not in a free base form. Its kinda like smoking coke of foil or a ciggy. Instead of coverting into freebase(crack).

But they forced me to try it. I wouldnt use my own pills ..FUck that. But they did me a 40mg hit and did it the way they did it.. ANd I got a lot of smoke and a nice mellow high. For someone like me who has a skyrocket tolerance..its pointless. Id have to smoke at least 80-320mgs in one hit to get the NOD i want...YEah know. ANd your wasting so so much of the drug.

But the fact it kicks in faster and gets you a bit high they say makes up for it.. Id say out of smoking a 80mg pill you wasting like half of the drug. Just being burned into nothing usefull. But the other half is inhaled and the onset is so fast that the high could be compaired to sniffing a whole 80 at once..But the high only lasts like an hour..So in the ened your gettitng much less out of it.



BUt it actually WORKSs..

In no way am I telling anyone to try this wastefull stupid GROSS method of administration. Just it actually does work.

ENd of story..

Anyone whop says it does not is wrong.

ITs just such so wastefull and gross. ANyone who is used to Snorting or IVing around 80mg-320mg or mroe wont get the effects they wanted off it. CUz not enough can be smoked at once. PLus your W/Ding 1 hour after you smoke it..What a waste.. Man this one guy have been smoking them for a year everyday.

This is the one and only time I'm saying this, I MIGHT be psychologically addicted to Tramadol. When I don't have it, I crave it. Sean wants me to get off of it because he doesn't want me addicted. Well he drinks too much, beer or water. Thats about it. So he hasn't got much to say, alcohol will kill you, Tramadol likely won't, just make you throw up...been there or have a seizure, never had one and just so happen to be on anti seizure medication. But its also about blowing $100s of dollars because I can't wait a month for it to get here, when I don't have a job or any source of income at the moment.
I'm at a loss. I don't want to disappoint Sean. But I don't want to give up Tramadol. But I don't have the money. Also I don't want my parents to find out. I don't want to be physically addicted, but I love the feeling more than sex. I'm addicted to the feeling...hence psychology addicted? Edited ~spork
Sometimes as I said today when the suicidal thoughts that had been gone came back....maybe all I need is a hand gun.

Let's see, Grandmother's lithograph on one wall, random shit everywhere else - ahhh almost forgot about the grey camo I nailed to the wall to cover up the ceiling. Everything in its proper place:

I don't know why I'm even writing in here. I suppose I have to get it some how rather that laying nearly paralized on the floor crying. I can't stand pain. The whole world seems like its spinning to fast and I'm just waiting for it to fall apart. I found out that my ex erased me from his life, like a bad memory. when I someday we could be friends, we were to start. And we were talking and now its some how different. He said me told me why he did it, but in an away message I never got. I struggle to get things done sometimes because the balence issues are getting worse and of course my mom says its nothing and I need to get off my ass and get a job. When I had planned on it, I just wanted to get a lil more well. I hate sitting here crying when there is no one to turn to and I can't seem to figure out how it all went wrong. If I had the Tramadol it would help, but its gone. I use it to not cut, I want to so bad, to stay awake, to keep the depression away...and I have none because I can't afford it. I don't even know how I feel. I think I'll cry to clean. I tried to makea listfor tomorrow and lost it.Try to clean and Sean will be here in the morning and I then maybe for awhile everything will be ok...

Survival is rough in the zero degrees. I've been getting tested hard this winter. Life is constant ups and downs lately. No breaks for this one.

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent it with my love and our friend Two Ravens, drinking wine and making music in his bus. It is a cramped and tenuous space he holds, but his fascination with barbie dolls makes up for it.

I love getting away from the townies and going where you can drive 130 mph and no cop is hiding around the corner. Where lights won't blind you because there is no electricity and if you get stuck in the snow someone is always there to help you push. That is my place.

Much love

I realise it is not Tuesday yet, but I need to vent out a bit.
Well, I am an absolute mess right now, haven't slept in five nights.
I've been doing it hard because I want to really get fucked up before I stop, but I am going loony instead.
Paranoia and just over-all craziness started last night..
My problem is I am alone. I get so down whilst alone, I will cry for nothing, just non-stop.
I am so so high..absolutely flying, but I am not happy.
Six years, I have done this every single day. I am NEVER not on it whilst I am awake..and if I am then guaranteed I am on my way to go and obtain some.
All I have been doing is crying, the end is near, and soon it shall be here.
Sorry everyone usually I am not so down! Usually an upbeat happy person, but right now I am finding it hard, but that is to be expected.

I had my family Christmas party today. I went flying of course, my grandmother doesn't remember my name due to illness, it broke my heart when she asked who I was.

I'm starting to doubt myself a lot..but I think maybe I just need to sleep, give myself a break, for then I will go the longest I have without meth. My longest awake whilst not on it is 4 hrs, max. That is just the definition of SAD!!!!!!!!!!
So any longer than that will be an achievement.
I'm starting to look back on my usage, I have devoted my life to a little white powder when I could have accomplished something worthwhile .. then I wouldn't be here complaining to nobody ..
Ah if only if only, truth is I can't change it..
Best I can do is PICK MYSELF THE FUCK UP AND GET ON WITH LIVING WITHOUT THIS !
I can do it, physically. Mentally, not so strong.
I keep dreaming of the pipe, watching the smoke swirl around and around in the bowl.. I see it in everything, the smoke swirling. Anything I look at I picture it. It has consumed me.
And I'm a fucking slave to it.

Take it easy keep it sleazy ,
Claire



It's the disease of the age
It's the disease that we crave
Alone at the end of the rave
We catch the last bus home

Corporate America wakes
Coffee republic and cakes
We open the latch on the gate
Of the hole that we call our home

Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me

Maybe we're victims of fate
Remember when we'd celebrate
We'd drink and get high until late
And now we're all alone

Wedding bells ain't gonna chime
With both of us guilty of crime
And both of us sentenced to time
And now we're all alone

Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me
Protect me from what I want...
Protect me protect me