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This slush which is like an impermeable membrane of plasma
my feet shuffle through
my feet shuffle through
half water, half snow.
The sun comes out but gray flushes over.
melt and comes another freeze.
Survival skills are out of date, mechanisms entrapping.
And snapping.
Slipping.
I confused always.. Awkward, unusual burden. I try to understand. Inspiration is a strife.
Because I fear so much, I unresolved. With something.
Is it just urges of unrequite? Seeking the insatiate again?
I frustrated- the inability to see - how I detriment my being.. My circuit breaker on the fritz - all I need is an outlet.
My passion, my peace, my creativity and sexual energy.
I sort of miss me.
This photo is eerie - makes me think of what is in my mind. This wilderness of wild - skittish - but so close to be reached.
I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much
I had an emotional crutch, but
I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more
Cause nothing is happening
How pathetic and disgusting. She might aswell put a dog collar around the bloke's neck and stick him in a cage!
Edited. Please do not personally attack someone in Blogs. Thanks ~spork
Why all of this "we are" and "we will"? How very like a woman to do that.
Why don't men open up to their partners? Because women worm their way into someone's problems, force them to become their own business, blow them way out of proportion and then begin a little knitting circle to discuss how to best fix "their" problems.
That thread just further compounds my belief that only men are capable of empathy. I truly feel sad for the man this thread is supposed to be about; were it me, I'd ask the hospital to throw away the key and disallow any visitors. It may be extreme, but it'd get him away from the constant meddling and absence of faith and trust.
Edited. Please do not personally attack someone in Blogs. Thanks ~spork
Why all of this "we are" and "we will"? How very like a woman to do that.
Why don't men open up to their partners? Because women worm their way into someone's problems, force them to become their own business, blow them way out of proportion and then begin a little knitting circle to discuss how to best fix "their" problems.
That thread just further compounds my belief that only men are capable of empathy. I truly feel sad for the man this thread is supposed to be about; were it me, I'd ask the hospital to throw away the key and disallow any visitors. It may be extreme, but it'd get him away from the constant meddling and absence of faith and trust.
i spend way too much time playing lexulous on facebook.. and its apparently making me cocky because i keep beating my roommates. i even told one of them how to cheat.
I've just gotten out of class, behavior modification. I'm trying to modify my bf's drinking behavior just because well 1. it bothers me 2. I care and sadly it seems like no one does, no one pushes him, he had said that he thanks me for it and values it so I guess idk he sees that I see something in him and care about him 3. He has admitted that it needs to be changed.
But I've spent just the whole class period thinking about it and its getting to me. I think some k-pins might be in order to prevent a panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with my brain someday. I was on the second floor of the library and you can look down. I did and its a bit down, it took my breath away and I just stood there. Looking at the concrete floor with a sick intentment. Know, well shit that won't kill you..it took someone walking around until I kinda snapped out of it. Perhaps that why I feel panic like, too my breath away and thats a sign of a panic attack.
But also, as soon as I got up there, intent to do a lot of the back reading I need to go before class. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sean and the alcohol. Is this hopeless? Will be ever be able to clean up the mess that I just can't for him? I can't, all I can do is motivate him and he just gives up so easy. He just seems so disillusioned (please excuse the spelling and typos I don't have my regular spell checker here at school) with life. He hates his job, he hates his parents. Hes so reserved and quiet that I feel like I'm the only one he talks to. Not sure why..perhaps because I was the one to open up about everything first. I just feel so sad for him sometimes, that he seems so unhappy. Maybe he is unhappy with me...he never says he missed me or he cares about me any more. Not like he used to. Calls less and sees me less. Although I've been told that I get really paranoid about things like this. Just lil things and go on about all this means its going to be like the rest. I can't save it on my own. I don't think I can be motivated to even try now...and out of the blue he is going to leave.
Maybe it could get to the point that I have to leave. That I am just so drained that I can't do it anymore. I mean sometimes I see him and he can be downright disrespectful of me. Drinking in my car which puts me at risk of a ticket. Thinking that he can drive better drunk in the snow than I can sober. That may be true, but driving MY car, drunk and without a license...is putting ME at risk. I mean does he really even car or this just trait behavior or something that can be modified? I just get to thinking about it and I get to thinking that he isn't as great as I think he is. Perhaps I'm depressed or perhaps my eyes are starting to open after the honeymoon stage.
He can get so moody, almost depressed about life, pissy and the alcohol really bothers me. Although I feel bad saying that since I'm a Tramadol user, irresponsible at times, risking seizures and addiction and shit, but I almost think its different. He just wants me off it because I abuse it and is afraid of me having to deal with w/d. But then again typing that I feel that maybe its more of the same.
I told him that if he had to work on this drinking thing then he could pick anything he wanted for me to work on. I would have bet money it was going to be the Tramadol but no, its the food. Which is almost as hard. I don't have the desire to eat although since I will try to modify his behavior...trying more subtle than I intended and if that doesn't work more direct...but I'm putting my foot down about the drinking in my car. Its my car and I said no. However I don't know how much he is going to fight me on it. I was going to say that I will pull over and make him dump the beer out if he opens it, but shit I'm pretty sure that I can't stick to that bottom line...why make something you aren't going to stick to. Go for Intervention on A&E I guess. Thats what they say.
I still feel the panic rising in my chest, feeling short of breath, shaky, almost brought to tears. I hate having these. I try to fight them and I can sometimes. Sean can see them coming on and I'm thankful for that really I am. I'm so thankful that he has trusted me as much as he does, even though perhaps he knows that I don't truly trust him. I don't. I can't. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I want him to leave me if he is unhappy or whatever, but its going to hurt and as much as we think long term and say that's what we are looking for, days that I see it like this and get paranoid, I don't see it happening for me. Who would ever want me ya know...I mean he puts up will all the mental illness, but he has also said...how can I love someone that I'm not sure will be there the next day? My stupid ass comment was, well you just want me to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I'm not good off my meds...
Things I am or need to work on:
My view of the world and my relationship with it and other people. Paranoia. catastohesizing (ok that was my pathetic attempt at spelling, this makes me feel stupid. I'm editing this later...)
Food. Trying to eat, even though its about the last thing I want to do. I have about 20 pds to gain to be at a healthy weight.
Catching up on my homework rather than putting it off until the test comes up.
So modification of my own behavior. I annoy myself sometimes. I'm loud, and sometimes rather annoying. With Sean being so reserved, he keeps his personal life personal and he wants that to be true of stuff about us too. So I need to keep my mouth shut and respect that. BL is venting. I ALWAYS say the wrong thing if there is a woman in the room. Just seemingly go out of my way to insult them. Sean is very quick to point that out. One I think he feels that I make an ass out of myself and I do, but also he sees that I lack friends, especially women...shit if I can understand them and he wants that for me. Perhaps he wants me to be less fixated on him...be more distance and less needy like he is with me...maybe I'm just fucking this up. But I do want to be around him and feel cared for and happy. Is that so wrong? Needy, yeah thats me. Crash and burn of relationships no doubt. If I could control it better I could, sometimes it gets almost compulsive. Yeah, I talk to much in class, who cares about my input all the time and actually I have felt ppl be annoyed with me. Or I'm just paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes me and is out to hurt me. I have no idea. But I'm sure I can be annoying as hell. Shut up and let someone else talk... I talk way to loud on the phone. Uh I pretty much hate who I am I guess. Feel that I'm going to be alone forever unless I change the thoughts, the behaviors, neediness, the actions. I can blame it all on BPD...but everyone has heard that. And I have to fix it.
I know I need to get into therapy. But being set to Sean's 3rd shift because that is the only time he is awake to text me isn't helping. I can't get up.
Also I need to find a job. So I hate it, times suck. Sean goes to a job he hates. I'm going to end up broke. Get over it.
I've worked really hard on the cutting because I can't stand to disappoint Sean. 1. If I hide it he will be upset and 2. its not like I can really hide it. But the urges haven't left me.
Need to get off Tramadol. But I don't want to really. But if my mom sees me all out of it on it again I'm going to be in trouble and Sean doesn't like it and its costing me $100s of dollars.
Maybe I need a change in meds. Flatline to depression. Paranoid thinking maybe I have delusions and compulsions. Maybe I'm sicker than they think. Fuck I have no idea. Everyone is fucked up, I'm just more than most, most days.
I know there is more shit like sleeping when I need to be and less BLing and doing what I need to and shit like that. There is so much in my own life that needs fixed who am I to try to make Sean change.
I'm currently just depressed and filled with a lot of self hatred, I'm not sure why...I guess I saw myself talking to much and once I get on one thing I don't like then I can find more. This isn't even going into my living with my parents or the way I look or any of that shit that I also hate.
I hate the way I look, act, think, live...
shit is that a way to live at all?
I should get my shit around to go to class. Another class sounds horrible, plus the drive home. Someone put me out of my fucking emo miserable existence. No wonder no one wants to be around me, not even Sean...he didn't come yesterday, no talk of weekend plans at all...I don't even want to be around me. I'm done..
But I've spent just the whole class period thinking about it and its getting to me. I think some k-pins might be in order to prevent a panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with my brain someday. I was on the second floor of the library and you can look down. I did and its a bit down, it took my breath away and I just stood there. Looking at the concrete floor with a sick intentment. Know, well shit that won't kill you..it took someone walking around until I kinda snapped out of it. Perhaps that why I feel panic like, too my breath away and thats a sign of a panic attack.
But also, as soon as I got up there, intent to do a lot of the back reading I need to go before class. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sean and the alcohol. Is this hopeless? Will be ever be able to clean up the mess that I just can't for him? I can't, all I can do is motivate him and he just gives up so easy. He just seems so disillusioned (please excuse the spelling and typos I don't have my regular spell checker here at school) with life. He hates his job, he hates his parents. Hes so reserved and quiet that I feel like I'm the only one he talks to. Not sure why..perhaps because I was the one to open up about everything first. I just feel so sad for him sometimes, that he seems so unhappy. Maybe he is unhappy with me...he never says he missed me or he cares about me any more. Not like he used to. Calls less and sees me less. Although I've been told that I get really paranoid about things like this. Just lil things and go on about all this means its going to be like the rest. I can't save it on my own. I don't think I can be motivated to even try now...and out of the blue he is going to leave.
Maybe it could get to the point that I have to leave. That I am just so drained that I can't do it anymore. I mean sometimes I see him and he can be downright disrespectful of me. Drinking in my car which puts me at risk of a ticket. Thinking that he can drive better drunk in the snow than I can sober. That may be true, but driving MY car, drunk and without a license...is putting ME at risk. I mean does he really even car or this just trait behavior or something that can be modified? I just get to thinking about it and I get to thinking that he isn't as great as I think he is. Perhaps I'm depressed or perhaps my eyes are starting to open after the honeymoon stage.
He can get so moody, almost depressed about life, pissy and the alcohol really bothers me. Although I feel bad saying that since I'm a Tramadol user, irresponsible at times, risking seizures and addiction and shit, but I almost think its different. He just wants me off it because I abuse it and is afraid of me having to deal with w/d. But then again typing that I feel that maybe its more of the same.
I told him that if he had to work on this drinking thing then he could pick anything he wanted for me to work on. I would have bet money it was going to be the Tramadol but no, its the food. Which is almost as hard. I don't have the desire to eat although since I will try to modify his behavior...trying more subtle than I intended and if that doesn't work more direct...but I'm putting my foot down about the drinking in my car. Its my car and I said no. However I don't know how much he is going to fight me on it. I was going to say that I will pull over and make him dump the beer out if he opens it, but shit I'm pretty sure that I can't stick to that bottom line...why make something you aren't going to stick to. Go for Intervention on A&E I guess. Thats what they say.
I still feel the panic rising in my chest, feeling short of breath, shaky, almost brought to tears. I hate having these. I try to fight them and I can sometimes. Sean can see them coming on and I'm thankful for that really I am. I'm so thankful that he has trusted me as much as he does, even though perhaps he knows that I don't truly trust him. I don't. I can't. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I want him to leave me if he is unhappy or whatever, but its going to hurt and as much as we think long term and say that's what we are looking for, days that I see it like this and get paranoid, I don't see it happening for me. Who would ever want me ya know...I mean he puts up will all the mental illness, but he has also said...how can I love someone that I'm not sure will be there the next day? My stupid ass comment was, well you just want me to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I'm not good off my meds...
Things I am or need to work on:
My view of the world and my relationship with it and other people. Paranoia. catastohesizing (ok that was my pathetic attempt at spelling, this makes me feel stupid. I'm editing this later...)
Food. Trying to eat, even though its about the last thing I want to do. I have about 20 pds to gain to be at a healthy weight.
Catching up on my homework rather than putting it off until the test comes up.
So modification of my own behavior. I annoy myself sometimes. I'm loud, and sometimes rather annoying. With Sean being so reserved, he keeps his personal life personal and he wants that to be true of stuff about us too. So I need to keep my mouth shut and respect that. BL is venting. I ALWAYS say the wrong thing if there is a woman in the room. Just seemingly go out of my way to insult them. Sean is very quick to point that out. One I think he feels that I make an ass out of myself and I do, but also he sees that I lack friends, especially women...shit if I can understand them and he wants that for me. Perhaps he wants me to be less fixated on him...be more distance and less needy like he is with me...maybe I'm just fucking this up. But I do want to be around him and feel cared for and happy. Is that so wrong? Needy, yeah thats me. Crash and burn of relationships no doubt. If I could control it better I could, sometimes it gets almost compulsive. Yeah, I talk to much in class, who cares about my input all the time and actually I have felt ppl be annoyed with me. Or I'm just paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes me and is out to hurt me. I have no idea. But I'm sure I can be annoying as hell. Shut up and let someone else talk... I talk way to loud on the phone. Uh I pretty much hate who I am I guess. Feel that I'm going to be alone forever unless I change the thoughts, the behaviors, neediness, the actions. I can blame it all on BPD...but everyone has heard that. And I have to fix it.
I know I need to get into therapy. But being set to Sean's 3rd shift because that is the only time he is awake to text me isn't helping. I can't get up.
Also I need to find a job. So I hate it, times suck. Sean goes to a job he hates. I'm going to end up broke. Get over it.
I've worked really hard on the cutting because I can't stand to disappoint Sean. 1. If I hide it he will be upset and 2. its not like I can really hide it. But the urges haven't left me.
Need to get off Tramadol. But I don't want to really. But if my mom sees me all out of it on it again I'm going to be in trouble and Sean doesn't like it and its costing me $100s of dollars.
Maybe I need a change in meds. Flatline to depression. Paranoid thinking maybe I have delusions and compulsions. Maybe I'm sicker than they think. Fuck I have no idea. Everyone is fucked up, I'm just more than most, most days.
I know there is more shit like sleeping when I need to be and less BLing and doing what I need to and shit like that. There is so much in my own life that needs fixed who am I to try to make Sean change.
I'm currently just depressed and filled with a lot of self hatred, I'm not sure why...I guess I saw myself talking to much and once I get on one thing I don't like then I can find more. This isn't even going into my living with my parents or the way I look or any of that shit that I also hate.
I hate the way I look, act, think, live...
shit is that a way to live at all?
I should get my shit around to go to class. Another class sounds horrible, plus the drive home. Someone put me out of my fucking emo miserable existence. No wonder no one wants to be around me, not even Sean...he didn't come yesterday, no talk of weekend plans at all...I don't even want to be around me. I'm done..
Whoa ha what a fuckin day today. After I got up I headed on down to Pasadena for another Reiki treatment. When I got there I had a horrific headache and she had me lie down on a table and put her palms against my head and ear for about 20 minutes. I felt it decrease, then subside altogether. She said she felt it was a very intense headache for me, which it was. She spent the rest of the time over my body, then paid special attention to my chest where my heart was. She said, "I'm releasing smoke. You were close to a man that smoked alot." That was weird. It has been a long while since I had anything to do with love or romance, but the most recent men I cared for were Scott and Erik. Scott had been my drug dealer. He was very good looking and very charming, plus he was gifted at fixing things around the house as well as cars. When I had a problem like that I went to Scott. Without meaning to, I fell in love with him. He was always very kind to me, but he had fallen head over heels with Vanessa, another meth head. I was heartbroken, but shortly after that Erik came down.
I got all wrapped up in the drug addict lifestyle and with Erik, so my pain over Scott subsided, though I remained friendly over him. What's the sense in throwing love after someone that doesn't love you the same way? Well all of us were messed up on drugs, all of us were fucked financially. Eventually Erik left to make money elsewhere, I lost my apartment, and Scott went to jail. That was all so long ago, but the lady said I had energy trapped there in my heart. I really thought I had made my peace with it, but after the session as I was talking to her, all of a sudden I felt really sad. Good Lord what is going on with me? She explained that tears would come, although the last thing I wanted was to do it in her office. I came home, put on a meditation CD that she sold me, then the tears came. Last I heard, Scott went off to another drug diversion/sober living program and Erik, well I've maintained a closer contact with Erik, though always from a distance.
After all that, I decided to get off my ass and make the dreaded phone call to my brother Ed as the 9th Step in NA suggests. I really was putting this off, not because they won't forgive me,but because I didn't want to give them another chance to slap me in the face. Well I called Ed and his wife answered. No I couldn't talk to him cause he was in the shower, she said. Ok could I have the address of my sister please? No she would not give it to me because, "We are not Alice (Ed's mother) and we won't give out information without asking the other person first." Fucking ouch. "Ed got your letter. And we gave RJ your information." "You did?," I asked. I honestly wasn't expecting that. "Yes if she wants to get in touch with you she will, but she has the choice not to." LOL. Slap. "OK, " I said. "Look. This is what I want to do. I want to write her a letter, so would it be alright then if I send it to you to forward to her, and to Tony (biological dad)?" "Ok," she said. I left my number for Ed. End of conversation.
Obviously she was pissed that Alice, my bro's Mom gave their phone number and address to me. Christ I'm his fucking sister. This is the second time that I was treated very rudely by Ed's wife on the phone. Fucking Diane, my aunt and cousin Trish must have really said I was this rotten psycho bitch or something, I don't know, but I've never even met Ed's wife. Whatever. I really don't want Tony and RJ in my life, but just to send the fucking letters so I can be done with Step 9 and move on. I wish I could have spoken to Ed, but his wife seems very controlling. God what a bunch of assholes. I'm upset and I wish I knew what the hell he was thinking, but that's it. I'm done with the fucking Tarantinos.
I got all wrapped up in the drug addict lifestyle and with Erik, so my pain over Scott subsided, though I remained friendly over him. What's the sense in throwing love after someone that doesn't love you the same way? Well all of us were messed up on drugs, all of us were fucked financially. Eventually Erik left to make money elsewhere, I lost my apartment, and Scott went to jail. That was all so long ago, but the lady said I had energy trapped there in my heart. I really thought I had made my peace with it, but after the session as I was talking to her, all of a sudden I felt really sad. Good Lord what is going on with me? She explained that tears would come, although the last thing I wanted was to do it in her office. I came home, put on a meditation CD that she sold me, then the tears came. Last I heard, Scott went off to another drug diversion/sober living program and Erik, well I've maintained a closer contact with Erik, though always from a distance.
After all that, I decided to get off my ass and make the dreaded phone call to my brother Ed as the 9th Step in NA suggests. I really was putting this off, not because they won't forgive me,but because I didn't want to give them another chance to slap me in the face. Well I called Ed and his wife answered. No I couldn't talk to him cause he was in the shower, she said. Ok could I have the address of my sister please? No she would not give it to me because, "We are not Alice (Ed's mother) and we won't give out information without asking the other person first." Fucking ouch. "Ed got your letter. And we gave RJ your information." "You did?," I asked. I honestly wasn't expecting that. "Yes if she wants to get in touch with you she will, but she has the choice not to." LOL. Slap. "OK, " I said. "Look. This is what I want to do. I want to write her a letter, so would it be alright then if I send it to you to forward to her, and to Tony (biological dad)?" "Ok," she said. I left my number for Ed. End of conversation.
Obviously she was pissed that Alice, my bro's Mom gave their phone number and address to me. Christ I'm his fucking sister. This is the second time that I was treated very rudely by Ed's wife on the phone. Fucking Diane, my aunt and cousin Trish must have really said I was this rotten psycho bitch or something, I don't know, but I've never even met Ed's wife. Whatever. I really don't want Tony and RJ in my life, but just to send the fucking letters so I can be done with Step 9 and move on. I wish I could have spoken to Ed, but his wife seems very controlling. God what a bunch of assholes. I'm upset and I wish I knew what the hell he was thinking, but that's it. I'm done with the fucking Tarantinos.
So, this whole week has been a bit strange. Things have been different than usual at the gym-- but in a good way. Had coffee with an old friend and it seems like we both aged five years in the last month-- but in a good way. Yoga felt a bit too easy, but since I'm in a beginner class I'd say that's a good thing as well.
Work takes the cake though. The company I work for is developing a new kind of silver coating for wound dressings (among other things), and we've finally received our pilot scale machine to automate the process. Except that it didn't fit through any of the 5 doors that it had to pass through to get to the lab.
So it's a pain, sure, but not my problem. It was actually a bit gratifying to see the CEO and VP Marketing curse at this thing. So the machine spent the night on the loading dock, right where the movers that delivered it abandoned it. This morning they managed to get it close to the lab, and actually deigned to ask me for help. Some effort (and a bit of cursing) later, and it's sitting in the proper lab, and everyone is feeling celebratory.
This is when my boss, the director of research and development and one of the co-founders of the company arrives. He usually gets in a bit later in the day, seeing as how he does most of his work at home. So he pops in, grabs a few files from his office, and comes over and shakes my hand, saying goodbye. Me being a bit dense thinks that he's just heading out for the day, so I stammer something odd to that extent, to which he replies: "no, goodbye. You won't be seeing me here again. I'm done. Goodbye, and good luck."
...
I'm still not too sure what to make of it. This company was his baby for the last 8 years, and we're basically just a small step away from commercializing his pet project. I'll find out more tomorrow I'm sure, but on the plus side this now opens up a huge pile of opportunity for me. While I don't want to be someone who intrigues for power at the office, I have essentially been working for the last year as the assistant to this man's daughter, who has the EXACT same qualifications as I do. We were even in the same graduating class. I'll just have to tactfully remind the right people of this fact, that I am capable of doing anything that she can, and that she is horribly overworked right now.
So we shall see what comes of this. The restaurant/chain idea is still simmering, but if I can make this chemistry job actually decent then I might be able to stick around long enough to save a bit of start-up capital.
Now if I only had any motivation to do my programming side-project
Work takes the cake though. The company I work for is developing a new kind of silver coating for wound dressings (among other things), and we've finally received our pilot scale machine to automate the process. Except that it didn't fit through any of the 5 doors that it had to pass through to get to the lab.
So it's a pain, sure, but not my problem. It was actually a bit gratifying to see the CEO and VP Marketing curse at this thing. So the machine spent the night on the loading dock, right where the movers that delivered it abandoned it. This morning they managed to get it close to the lab, and actually deigned to ask me for help. Some effort (and a bit of cursing) later, and it's sitting in the proper lab, and everyone is feeling celebratory.
This is when my boss, the director of research and development and one of the co-founders of the company arrives. He usually gets in a bit later in the day, seeing as how he does most of his work at home. So he pops in, grabs a few files from his office, and comes over and shakes my hand, saying goodbye. Me being a bit dense thinks that he's just heading out for the day, so I stammer something odd to that extent, to which he replies: "no, goodbye. You won't be seeing me here again. I'm done. Goodbye, and good luck."
...
I'm still not too sure what to make of it. This company was his baby for the last 8 years, and we're basically just a small step away from commercializing his pet project. I'll find out more tomorrow I'm sure, but on the plus side this now opens up a huge pile of opportunity for me. While I don't want to be someone who intrigues for power at the office, I have essentially been working for the last year as the assistant to this man's daughter, who has the EXACT same qualifications as I do. We were even in the same graduating class. I'll just have to tactfully remind the right people of this fact, that I am capable of doing anything that she can, and that she is horribly overworked right now.
So we shall see what comes of this. The restaurant/chain idea is still simmering, but if I can make this chemistry job actually decent then I might be able to stick around long enough to save a bit of start-up capital.
Now if I only had any motivation to do my programming side-project
So we lost all our old journal entries? 
Awesome.. Ever just wake up and want to find out how safe it is to to combine k g h n booze?
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,....................................
saying you wanna kill yourself gets so old and played out
actually killing yourself doesnt get you anywhere productive
lets say we all just get fucked up
cheers
ps. on that note, k + g and k + h on their own sure do get the job done. k h shroom could be nice if my brain were stable enough to even LOOK at a mushroom without starting to sweat
not much going on lately - the fear at work is coming along in terms of...am I fired? am I laid off? not really but we pretend to make our lives interesting
i gotta start hangin with cooler people.
seriously.
----
for random i was looking online today and saw some wack shit regarding tshirts and being a fundy christian
Would you wear a t-shirt that says?
ex-masturbator
even chicks rocking it..... whuuut?
the serious no-fun plp stay away!
i want a shirt that says:
shake junt!
i gotta start hangin with cooler people.
seriously.
----
for random i was looking online today and saw some wack shit regarding tshirts and being a fundy christian
Would you wear a t-shirt that says?
ex-masturbator
even chicks rocking it..... whuuut?
the serious no-fun plp stay away!
i want a shirt that says:
shake junt!
2/4/2009
I had a hell of a time getting up. Again. I swear I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it perhaps that my body is saying "Homegirl either stay up nights or stay up days, but make up your damn mind!" Maybe that's my problem? I'm up nights Thurs - Mon, then Tues-Wed days and Thursdays both, although I get a shitload of sleep like 10+ everyday except Friday. I really can't afford it, but I said fuck it and made another appointment with the Reiki energy lady for tomorrow. I hope it helps...
Mom and I were gonna go to dinner then maybe to a movie, but the plans changed when her friend Maryanne invited us to dinner cause she's moving away this weekend. I agreed, but to tell the truth I hate going out on social occasions with large groups of people. You can't talk to a group so what ends up happening is that everyone has these mini conversations on the side and I find it irritating as fuck. Last time a group of us went out and I was sittin next to my friend Amy, but Jeff was bending her ear 90% of the time, so I hardly got a word in edgewise. It's not that I have anything against Jeff mind you, but that boy does talk.
Also, with so many people, if there are plans afterward, like going to a movie, it takes forever and a day what movie everyone finally agrees on and yeah I'm impatient that way. Make up your damn minds for fuxake! I went out to have a good time, not dick around deciding which restaurant or movie we're going to go to arrrrg! I guess that's why whenever I do go out, it's usually only with one or 2 others at a time. Anyway, that's it for now. Oh yeah, I emailed Rob from my old Crystal Meth Slammers group. Yahoo deleted both of them because of some whiner, which is a shame cause I had a lot of good stories and information on there. I miss getting loaded and going on line having these long ass philosophical conversations with my druggie friends. I always made them laugh because under the influence of meth I'm a silly clown, whereas sober I'm serious and quiet. There are things I miss about getting loaded. It made the computer and the internet seem magic and sober things just are. It's Rob's birthday today so I wished him a happy b day.
It's sad because he seems to be lonely, although I've mentioned NA to him, he won't go so I guess it's just him, his painkillers and his family. I read once in an astrology book that people born on the 4th or the 8th tend to attract others born on those same days or have 4s and 8s in their phone #'s and addresses. What's trippy is that in my case it's true.
I had a hell of a time getting up. Again. I swear I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it perhaps that my body is saying "Homegirl either stay up nights or stay up days, but make up your damn mind!" Maybe that's my problem? I'm up nights Thurs - Mon, then Tues-Wed days and Thursdays both, although I get a shitload of sleep like 10+ everyday except Friday. I really can't afford it, but I said fuck it and made another appointment with the Reiki energy lady for tomorrow. I hope it helps...
Mom and I were gonna go to dinner then maybe to a movie, but the plans changed when her friend Maryanne invited us to dinner cause she's moving away this weekend. I agreed, but to tell the truth I hate going out on social occasions with large groups of people. You can't talk to a group so what ends up happening is that everyone has these mini conversations on the side and I find it irritating as fuck. Last time a group of us went out and I was sittin next to my friend Amy, but Jeff was bending her ear 90% of the time, so I hardly got a word in edgewise. It's not that I have anything against Jeff mind you, but that boy does talk.
Also, with so many people, if there are plans afterward, like going to a movie, it takes forever and a day what movie everyone finally agrees on and yeah I'm impatient that way. Make up your damn minds for fuxake! I went out to have a good time, not dick around deciding which restaurant or movie we're going to go to arrrrg! I guess that's why whenever I do go out, it's usually only with one or 2 others at a time. Anyway, that's it for now. Oh yeah, I emailed Rob from my old Crystal Meth Slammers group. Yahoo deleted both of them because of some whiner, which is a shame cause I had a lot of good stories and information on there. I miss getting loaded and going on line having these long ass philosophical conversations with my druggie friends. I always made them laugh because under the influence of meth I'm a silly clown, whereas sober I'm serious and quiet. There are things I miss about getting loaded. It made the computer and the internet seem magic and sober things just are. It's Rob's birthday today so I wished him a happy b day.
It's sad because he seems to be lonely, although I've mentioned NA to him, he won't go so I guess it's just him, his painkillers and his family. I read once in an astrology book that people born on the 4th or the 8th tend to attract others born on those same days or have 4s and 8s in their phone #'s and addresses. What's trippy is that in my case it's true.
2/3/2009
I woke up today after 8 hrs sleep not wanting to get the hell out of bed. I HATE getting up, at least in the day time. It’s difficult because I’m doing nights 5 nights in a row, then switching to day shift every Tuesday. I guzzled down a Rock Star energy shot. It has 200mg of caffeine, but I didn’t feel shit by the time I got to work. At that point I started getting VERY down on myself because I’m thinking fuck the chronic fatigue is back. I took some ultram and even that didn’t make me feel better. I started getting depressive suicidal thoughts while I was at the park with my patient today. I thoroughly HATE my body still and I was raggin on myself that I make myself sick lookin in the mirror because God what a freaken Hippo!
I’m still on Weight Watchers, but after I got clean the weight came piling on at the rate of 20 lbs a month and it’s slow going losing it so I told myself that I wished I was dead and what a relief it would be to park my car in a garage somewhere and suffocate to death I hate myself that much. Why not? They put animals down when they suffer to much so why not extend the same courtesy to humans? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I pondered suicide, but then always dread the case when my body died, but my spirit stayed in limbo, continuing my consciousness, only without a body. That would be a worse hell than I’m already in, so what next?
Well, I could ask the Doc to write me some Rx amphetamine, which would solve both the fatigue and the weight. So I’d lose my clean time, but goddamn it I’m fuckin tired of this excess fat! The sudden onslaught of lower abdominal cramps told me the monthly visitor has arrived. Maybe my hormones are all fucked up perhaps contributing to this intense depressive outlook? I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried exercise, Atkins diet, and now Weight Watchers, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to these excess pounds, fuck. I thought about what would happen after my 2 or 3 month Rx for speed ran out and the horrible come down there is afterwards.
God help me please! Sitting at the dinner table, my patient’s mother was practically in tears because her own mother has been on the brink of death in the hospital. They were discussing why people have to go through such hardships even when it seems to make no sense at the time. I told them I pray 5 or 6 times a day anyway and that I’d be happy to include her mom and the family in my prayers which I did. NA has helped me to not be exclusively self absorbed even in the worst depression. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “ I told them. “Ask God to take some of the pain and He will.” They appreciated my comments and concern and let me leave work early. I had taken my own advice on the drive back home.
God please relieve me of this obsession with food, weight, and depression! I had called my sponsor while I was at the park, but she wasn’t available. She called me back while my patient’s family were at the dinner table, but I couldn’t talk about it with everyone around, so when I got off work, the soft voice told me to get my ass directly to an NA meeting NOW and tell everybody what I’m going through, so I did. I found myself telling 55 people at the meeting that I feel so ugly, how I hate my body and how upset I was at having gained so much weight getting clean along with this fatigue and how slow it is coming off. I also explained I’m on Weight Watchers and I am going to see the Doc on the 12th and that as upset as I was, I was considering asking the Doc for speed, which she’d give me. The purpose of doing that was to take the power out of my destructive mind and to get me out this bleak feeling of despair and isolation. It worked. Several people came up, gave me hugs, and told me I was beautiful and that they loved me.
About 5 others shared that the same thing happened to them and what they did. Exercise is important, they pointed out, plus doing what I was doing. If it weren’t for NA I would be getting Rx speed and starting this fucked up cycle all over again. On the up side, yeah I’m responsible, I’m better able to help others clean than when I was loaded, although you couldn’t convince me of that before. I’m also not cut off from the rest of the world because I don’t have to hide, nor do I have to be the victim. I get really pissed off, but I’m no longer completely at the mercy of my bogus circumstances, whereas before I was. I came home and told Mom the same things and she said maybe my damn hormones are fucked up. Well when I got on the scale, it read that I had lost 3 more lbs from 6 days ago.
I woke up today after 8 hrs sleep not wanting to get the hell out of bed. I HATE getting up, at least in the day time. It’s difficult because I’m doing nights 5 nights in a row, then switching to day shift every Tuesday. I guzzled down a Rock Star energy shot. It has 200mg of caffeine, but I didn’t feel shit by the time I got to work. At that point I started getting VERY down on myself because I’m thinking fuck the chronic fatigue is back. I took some ultram and even that didn’t make me feel better. I started getting depressive suicidal thoughts while I was at the park with my patient today. I thoroughly HATE my body still and I was raggin on myself that I make myself sick lookin in the mirror because God what a freaken Hippo!
I’m still on Weight Watchers, but after I got clean the weight came piling on at the rate of 20 lbs a month and it’s slow going losing it so I told myself that I wished I was dead and what a relief it would be to park my car in a garage somewhere and suffocate to death I hate myself that much. Why not? They put animals down when they suffer to much so why not extend the same courtesy to humans? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I pondered suicide, but then always dread the case when my body died, but my spirit stayed in limbo, continuing my consciousness, only without a body. That would be a worse hell than I’m already in, so what next?
Well, I could ask the Doc to write me some Rx amphetamine, which would solve both the fatigue and the weight. So I’d lose my clean time, but goddamn it I’m fuckin tired of this excess fat! The sudden onslaught of lower abdominal cramps told me the monthly visitor has arrived. Maybe my hormones are all fucked up perhaps contributing to this intense depressive outlook? I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried exercise, Atkins diet, and now Weight Watchers, but there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight to these excess pounds, fuck. I thought about what would happen after my 2 or 3 month Rx for speed ran out and the horrible come down there is afterwards.
God help me please! Sitting at the dinner table, my patient’s mother was practically in tears because her own mother has been on the brink of death in the hospital. They were discussing why people have to go through such hardships even when it seems to make no sense at the time. I told them I pray 5 or 6 times a day anyway and that I’d be happy to include her mom and the family in my prayers which I did. NA has helped me to not be exclusively self absorbed even in the worst depression. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, “ I told them. “Ask God to take some of the pain and He will.” They appreciated my comments and concern and let me leave work early. I had taken my own advice on the drive back home.
God please relieve me of this obsession with food, weight, and depression! I had called my sponsor while I was at the park, but she wasn’t available. She called me back while my patient’s family were at the dinner table, but I couldn’t talk about it with everyone around, so when I got off work, the soft voice told me to get my ass directly to an NA meeting NOW and tell everybody what I’m going through, so I did. I found myself telling 55 people at the meeting that I feel so ugly, how I hate my body and how upset I was at having gained so much weight getting clean along with this fatigue and how slow it is coming off. I also explained I’m on Weight Watchers and I am going to see the Doc on the 12th and that as upset as I was, I was considering asking the Doc for speed, which she’d give me. The purpose of doing that was to take the power out of my destructive mind and to get me out this bleak feeling of despair and isolation. It worked. Several people came up, gave me hugs, and told me I was beautiful and that they loved me.
About 5 others shared that the same thing happened to them and what they did. Exercise is important, they pointed out, plus doing what I was doing. If it weren’t for NA I would be getting Rx speed and starting this fucked up cycle all over again. On the up side, yeah I’m responsible, I’m better able to help others clean than when I was loaded, although you couldn’t convince me of that before. I’m also not cut off from the rest of the world because I don’t have to hide, nor do I have to be the victim. I get really pissed off, but I’m no longer completely at the mercy of my bogus circumstances, whereas before I was. I came home and told Mom the same things and she said maybe my damn hormones are fucked up. Well when I got on the scale, it read that I had lost 3 more lbs from 6 days ago.
Lately I'm felt so eh or blah. Just emotionally flatlined and bored. Is this flat affect or what it means to feel and be "normal"? Is this what everyone else feels like? Idk maybe with BPD I NEED drama in my life even though I feel and claim to HATE drama. I just feel so bored and that isn't good for me. It can get me in trouble. I wonder what my Dr. would say. But I kinda don't want to go off the medication I'm on because I don't want to feel suicidal and depressed again, that is worse than feeling nothing. I used to take meds to deaden or feel nothing, now I don't like it. It might why I like Sean being around, one he usually makes me feel loved and in love and really happy, two, he can be really moody and shit and that causes drama for us. I don't feel less for him because he is like that, hell he puts up with me and I can be BEYOND moody.
My wrists are still hurting. I sprained both of them like 2 weeks ago. They hurt bad and I'm already on Naproxen for the headaches. That should have automatically fixed it. This is like the 3rd time I've sprained them both at the same time. It sucks. Because I'm usually wearing this ugly brace that is hard to do anything with, although it makes it hurt less because you don't move it as much. I wonder what people think at school a lot because one class I'll have it on my left wrist and in the second I'll have it on my right. Its just which one hurts the most at the time. I'd look so stupid and have too much of a hard time if I had braces on both. I wonder how long I should wait before going to the Dr., if I should go now since I'm already on Naproxen and taking medicine with Codeine and that's not making it hurt less. The other day I went to school and I didn't take notes at all, just wrote it one class on a short test and my wrist hurt SO bad for really no reason.
Sean is coming over today. It will be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. But he will have to sleep pretty much the whole time he is here. I'm staying up so hopefully I can sleep with him most of the time. I know that he needs to for work and he said he hasn't gotten enough sleep and he says he sleeps better here so hopefully that will help.
I do so much to prep before I see him. Making sure everything is perfectly clean and making sure I'm looking my best. I've always tried to do that with my bfs. I don't know why I feel the need to prove that I'm worth something and I can be a good partner. I guess it comes from my need to be loved. But I shouldn't have to always feel the need to prove myself. I bet if Sean knew how much I do, painting my nails his favorite color, having my hair how he likes it, scrubbing the bath tub because he gets a shower here, washing the bed...he would likely tell me its stupid and not to do it. But hey it makes Tuesday cleaning day I guess.
Noel ate some of the medicine I have for my headaches. He threw it back up thank goodness and I got a syringe and forced him to drink some water and he ate and stuff and seems just fine but I was worried about him. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I can be a bad pet owner sometimes, not that I mean to. I love my kitty. I worry about what kind of parent I will be.
Speaking of kids. I was thinking about losing my job and being a lil upset about it. I can't believe that happened. I would never hurt a kid on purpose. And the person that reported it didn't see if from my point of view. I was meaning to go to my boss and tell her what happened actually but they beat me to it, which looked bad. I had my boss and a family friend go to bat for me in front of the board and I still lost it and now I can't find a new job. I don't want to go back to Hy-vee that sucked, but I pretty sure that's what I'm going to have to do. I would be an obvious hire, as long as they aren't just picking older people that are losing their jobs and have families to support. I've worked there before and really advanced in at the one in Pella. Still don't wanna work there. I kinda wish I wouldn't have quit Hy-vee in pursuit of trying to find a job that made me happy.
Really I think that every job you get tired of sometimes. There are days that you just would rather stay home instead. I think even when I graduate and get the job I want as a therapist there will be days that I'm worn out or dealing with my own stuff and would rather not work. Can't really call in sick like I did a lot with my other jobs because not having therapy that week can be really traumatic for some clients or make them have to deal with more stuff alone, or set them back in their progress. I kinda told Sean how I felt about work. He seems rather disappointed that I didn't believe that there would be a job out there for him that he wants that will feel like doing a hobby than work. Work will always be work. Its a fact of surviving life.
That gets me thinking about what I learned recently about the theories of Karl Marx. I don't think he is crazy or as bad as people seem to think or say he is. Yeah he didn't see the development of the middle class or the outcomes of labor movements but he did predict globalization. If he saw the former Soviet Union or China he would say that wasn't what he was talking about. Just his ideas twisted for some one's advantage. Really we are seeing the emergence of the 2c class system with the middle class losing their jobs and really becoming the needy lower class. Now we could be a rising up against that and the rise of Socialism but its more likely that there will be a rising up and checks and balances placed on the Capitalist system. Obama does talk about the strengthening of the middle class though. Obama can't preform a miracle though, as much as we hope or think he can. I worry about entering a time like the Great Depression again. Is that weird for me to be worried about it like that? Perhaps getting out of this war would help. Seriously most people tend to forget about it until they watch the news or something. Is that worse than having something like people fighting against it like we have seen in the past. Perhaps its because we have reactivated the draft again like I thought Bush might do. That causes people not to worry about it as much because they aren't seeing their loved ones being forced into a war and losing them.
I'm thinking I better post all this before I lose it, my computer likes to eat shit I spend a lot of time on and don't feel like rewriting.
My wrists are still hurting. I sprained both of them like 2 weeks ago. They hurt bad and I'm already on Naproxen for the headaches. That should have automatically fixed it. This is like the 3rd time I've sprained them both at the same time. It sucks. Because I'm usually wearing this ugly brace that is hard to do anything with, although it makes it hurt less because you don't move it as much. I wonder what people think at school a lot because one class I'll have it on my left wrist and in the second I'll have it on my right. Its just which one hurts the most at the time. I'd look so stupid and have too much of a hard time if I had braces on both. I wonder how long I should wait before going to the Dr., if I should go now since I'm already on Naproxen and taking medicine with Codeine and that's not making it hurt less. The other day I went to school and I didn't take notes at all, just wrote it one class on a short test and my wrist hurt SO bad for really no reason.
Sean is coming over today. It will be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. But he will have to sleep pretty much the whole time he is here. I'm staying up so hopefully I can sleep with him most of the time. I know that he needs to for work and he said he hasn't gotten enough sleep and he says he sleeps better here so hopefully that will help.
I do so much to prep before I see him. Making sure everything is perfectly clean and making sure I'm looking my best. I've always tried to do that with my bfs. I don't know why I feel the need to prove that I'm worth something and I can be a good partner. I guess it comes from my need to be loved. But I shouldn't have to always feel the need to prove myself. I bet if Sean knew how much I do, painting my nails his favorite color, having my hair how he likes it, scrubbing the bath tub because he gets a shower here, washing the bed...he would likely tell me its stupid and not to do it. But hey it makes Tuesday cleaning day I guess.
Noel ate some of the medicine I have for my headaches. He threw it back up thank goodness and I got a syringe and forced him to drink some water and he ate and stuff and seems just fine but I was worried about him. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I can be a bad pet owner sometimes, not that I mean to. I love my kitty. I worry about what kind of parent I will be.
Speaking of kids. I was thinking about losing my job and being a lil upset about it. I can't believe that happened. I would never hurt a kid on purpose. And the person that reported it didn't see if from my point of view. I was meaning to go to my boss and tell her what happened actually but they beat me to it, which looked bad. I had my boss and a family friend go to bat for me in front of the board and I still lost it and now I can't find a new job. I don't want to go back to Hy-vee that sucked, but I pretty sure that's what I'm going to have to do. I would be an obvious hire, as long as they aren't just picking older people that are losing their jobs and have families to support. I've worked there before and really advanced in at the one in Pella. Still don't wanna work there. I kinda wish I wouldn't have quit Hy-vee in pursuit of trying to find a job that made me happy.
Really I think that every job you get tired of sometimes. There are days that you just would rather stay home instead. I think even when I graduate and get the job I want as a therapist there will be days that I'm worn out or dealing with my own stuff and would rather not work. Can't really call in sick like I did a lot with my other jobs because not having therapy that week can be really traumatic for some clients or make them have to deal with more stuff alone, or set them back in their progress. I kinda told Sean how I felt about work. He seems rather disappointed that I didn't believe that there would be a job out there for him that he wants that will feel like doing a hobby than work. Work will always be work. Its a fact of surviving life.
That gets me thinking about what I learned recently about the theories of Karl Marx. I don't think he is crazy or as bad as people seem to think or say he is. Yeah he didn't see the development of the middle class or the outcomes of labor movements but he did predict globalization. If he saw the former Soviet Union or China he would say that wasn't what he was talking about. Just his ideas twisted for some one's advantage. Really we are seeing the emergence of the 2c class system with the middle class losing their jobs and really becoming the needy lower class. Now we could be a rising up against that and the rise of Socialism but its more likely that there will be a rising up and checks and balances placed on the Capitalist system. Obama does talk about the strengthening of the middle class though. Obama can't preform a miracle though, as much as we hope or think he can. I worry about entering a time like the Great Depression again. Is that weird for me to be worried about it like that? Perhaps getting out of this war would help. Seriously most people tend to forget about it until they watch the news or something. Is that worse than having something like people fighting against it like we have seen in the past. Perhaps its because we have reactivated the draft again like I thought Bush might do. That causes people not to worry about it as much because they aren't seeing their loved ones being forced into a war and losing them.
I'm thinking I better post all this before I lose it, my computer likes to eat shit I spend a lot of time on and don't feel like rewriting.
hello.
so my friend had a perscription of buprenorphine.
its rather uncommon.
its only prescribed to people who have physical dependency for opiates.
he gave me one and warned me about the potency.
they were 8 miligram so i only railed a quarter of it (two milligrams)
which was already more than enough to keep me fuked up for the next 8 hours.
what i wanna know if its possible to extract into smoke-able form?
if so how?
and how similiar would the high be compared to black tar?
thanks!
so my friend had a perscription of buprenorphine.
its rather uncommon.
its only prescribed to people who have physical dependency for opiates.
he gave me one and warned me about the potency.
they were 8 miligram so i only railed a quarter of it (two milligrams)
which was already more than enough to keep me fuked up for the next 8 hours.
what i wanna know if its possible to extract into smoke-able form?
if so how?
and how similiar would the high be compared to black tar?
thanks!
London had snowfall over the last few days. It's more or less the first time in three years that it has stayed on the ground here for any length of time.
All my flatmates stayed off work and we hit the vodka by 10am, as a group. Midday saw me walking around in the snow buying weed and more booze.
This led to four of us snorting coke and talking one set of shit and drinking at an inhuman rate all day long, going completely batshit crazy.
In the evening we had an eight ball delivered and went on into the night, pausing only to go to the shops for more booze at 3am this morning.
Bedtime was 9.30am, none of the flatmates went to work today either, on account of severe comedowns and migraine.
My head is wankered right now.
All my flatmates stayed off work and we hit the vodka by 10am, as a group. Midday saw me walking around in the snow buying weed and more booze.
This led to four of us snorting coke and talking one set of shit and drinking at an inhuman rate all day long, going completely batshit crazy.
In the evening we had an eight ball delivered and went on into the night, pausing only to go to the shops for more booze at 3am this morning.
Bedtime was 9.30am, none of the flatmates went to work today either, on account of severe comedowns and migraine.
My head is wankered right now.
I've been trying for the last 4 hours and I just can't sleep. I can't seem to turn my mind off. The sneezing and coughing every 2 minutes isn't helping much either. 
I took 2mg of kpin and that isn't helping either. I better start getting yawny soon. This is getting old.
I took 2mg of kpin and that isn't helping either. I better start getting yawny soon. This is getting old.
i got up monday morning after no sleep at all in total agony. I recently had a very serious operation to fix a very life threatening problem. What was supposed to be a one and a half hour keyhole surgery turned into a six hour open surgery job. So, considering this, i've been doing quite well. But recently i started having some problems with the recovery, and it really fucking hurts! So i went to the doctor monday morning and, after trying to get me to just core with what i'm already on with some anti-biotics and...wait for this. . .a topical cream, she gave me some buprenorphine to try out. I'm hoping and praying that this will help. I've an appointment on friday to report back. I really need to get back to work, i need the money. And, although some of you will think i'm either lying or crazy, i genuinely enjoy being an escort!
I overslept so didn't go to the NA meeting tonight. It didn't really have anything to do with the chronic fatigue, but more with messing up my routine the past couple of days. I want my old weight back and I'm working on it. I know I'll have alot more energy then too, not having to carry all this weight around, it sucks. Not much is going on. I get tonight off which is cool. I woke up at 7:30pm and now I'm wide awake as I usually am working graveyard and will be for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is my one day shift, so I get to see the daylight for a little bit. Jeff called me tonight. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hrs. He's in this writing class in college, but having a hard time because most of the students are like 18-19 years old, not our age at all. Although the instructor appreciated Jeff's play, it was like the rest of the class just didn't get it, so I told him, dude the number one rule in writing is that there are no rules. As long as you don't turn in some half assed assignment it's all good. Jeff and I are a completely different age group from those young kiddies and of course what they see, hear, and appreciate in the form of plays and stories are likely to be as different as our ages, but like I said before it's all good. Talking to Jeff was like an NA meeting in itself because it's said that when 2 or more recovering addicts get together or talk, it's a meeting.
Today is Tuesday, Feburary 3rd, 2009 and it is now 5:30 AM here in the Philippines.
I will skip "music" this time around, have not been listening as of late but "reading" wise I am into a fictional piece by 2 Princton grads, Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason "The Rule of Four." A piece rather similar to Dan rown's "DaVinci Code" which was a horrid piece of nonsense both as a book and with regard to its ridiculous subject matter.
"DaVinci Code" of course, made into a blockbuster movie with Tom Hanks is about Opus Dei the ultra-consiervative Roman Catholic organisation and in the story the organisation is protector of a centuries old secret. The mystery? Jesus' favourite disciple was , according to the tale, Mary Magdalene, his WIFE.
It revolves around a fictitious group called "The Priory of Zion," a European group dedicated to protecting that earth shattering secret and to protect the result of that "fact": Mary was pregnant when Jesus bit the bullet and made her way to France (hahahah) where she sired the founder of a major French dynasty.
Various luminaries are supposed to have been the "Priors" of the "Priory of Zion." Such disaprate people as Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo DaVinci and so on. DaVinci supposedly shows the "secrtet" in his famed painting "The Last Supper."
It is true that if you look at the painting, especially at the restored copy, the person sitting next to Jesus at the table of the Last Supper DOES look eerily like a female but then old Leonardo was gay and the figure COULD represet a number of things.
About 30 odd years ago a down on his luck Frenchman came up with the idea to perpertuate a fraud involving this entire story along with a buddy while drinking (well that explains it then!) and of course got umpteenth public attention and controversy, more than he ever bargained for. The short term result was a British author purporting to wirte a non-fiction piece on this convoluted tale, and this was the basis of Brown's "DaVinci Code."
Too bad because masochistic albinos do make interesting literary characters, better than what is happening with alinos now in Africa; In East Central Africa, especially in Tanzania, traditional healers are making a fast buck on the sale of albino body parts. The truly horrid aspect is that some people are actually walking into peoples' homes and lopping off breasts, etc. of albinos in order to gain these accoutrements!
The problem is so rampant that the leader of the country has gone ahead and adopted an albino orphan to show that albinos "derserve love too" awwwwwww, so heartwarming. I guess all those fisherman who tie albino hairs into their fishing nets will soon be shit out of luck.
60% of the population in the country rely on traditional shaman (i.e. "Witch Doctors") who are liscensed by the govt. Sadly, the govt. has had a knee jerk reaction ad illegalised ALL traditional healers! What a topsy turvy world.
Anyway, the book I am reading is pretty good so far, especially since I pretty much find ALL fiction as putrid as can be save very small amounts of historically accurate Historical Fiction. "The Rule Of Four" is about a Europen manuscript that originated in pre-Renaissance Italy and has entranced centuries of curious minds, and ends up as a murder mystery. Truth be told I am only into it about 30 odd pages but have found it palatable thus far.
It has been quiet for a day or two, not even artillery, which has been steadily trucked in is running at the moment. I have still been in and about the compound, not trusting things quite yet but do want to do some planting soon (veggies, nothing illicit hahahah).
Raining steadily as it has for about 4 months now which would be fine by me except we will lose a rice crop this year and it is never something positive when so many will go hungry and otherwise suffer. We can weather the downturn, thank G-D but so many here truly live hand to mouth and there will be more dying come spring.
On that cheerful note, I though I would talk about myself a bit since Journals are 86d as the saying goes.
My full name is Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami. it is Hebrew and means "Very Compassionate and Inspired Son of My People."
The "Ben Ami" surname, which means "Son of Mt People" literally, was given to my family by my father in and around Israeli Independance
(nineteen fourty eight). It was the custom amongst ardent Zionists to Hebracise or judacise their names as the case maybe.
My dad's original surname was "Dwek" which is an Arabic surname. It can be spelled as "Dweick" or more often, in the West, "Dweck." My dad was born in Hebron, in what is today called the "West Bank" but as with any person born in the British Mandate, his birthplace is listed ad "Palestine," a country that has never existed.
In 1929, when my dad was just a very young boy his dad (my own paternal granddad) was holding his eldest son (my eldest uncle) when he was stabbed to death and decapitated. My uncle was ripped limb from limb while alive. Both were buried in a mass grave by the British who came days after the Arab onslaught and then deported the entire Jewish Community that had lived there since the Bibile was still orally transmitted.
My patrilineal genealogy is dated only to the early 10th Century CE/AD but by our best estimation we are a clan that never went into Exile when our country fell in the 2nd Century CE/AD, to the Romans.
My mum was born in Bessarabia, an area in what is now within the nation of Moldova (actually contested by Russia). The region had been fought over since time immemorial, and had usually been under Turkish dominion for the last 3 to 400 years before her birth, although since WWI had been in the Soviet orbit.
Mum's family originally came from Spain, but by her birh in 1932 had long been adapted to the majority Ashkenazi Jewish Culture, specifically Bratzlav Chassidic culture. In English it is usually referred to as "Breslov Hassdic Culture."
Jews from Spain are normally known as "Sephardim," which literally means "Spanish" in Hebrew. In 1492 CE/AD, the same year Colmbus set sail, the Spanish Monarchy expelled all Jews from the kingdom, and at the same time the Ottoman (Turkish) Sultan allowed many to settle in his kingdom, which as I said included most of the time anyway, Bessarabia.
They migrated eastward into the Ottoman lands. At that same time a major branch of my father's ancestry also suffered Spanish expulsion and made their way to Turkish ruled "Palestine," and ended up marrying into my father's main branch in the 1500s.
So, unlike most Jews I have Ashkenaz, Sephard AND Mirzrach ancestry! "Mizrach" means "East" and is applied to those Jews who never left the Middle-East when our nation lost its sovereignity in the 2nd Century CE/AD. It has been valuable to me in learning many different Jewish perspectives, much more than most other Jews.
Bessarabia, where my mum was born fell to the Nazis and my mum while still a girl was interred in the Death Camps. She obviously survived, and after a long period in a British Refugee Camp where she had been interned while trying to move to Mandate Palestine utilised the services of a matchmaker, entering into an Arranged Marriage with my father. She had wanted to make her way to the US where she had cousins who had emigrated years earlier, not having any other surviving family but the US didn't care much for Jewish Refugees (wait, don't Jews run America?)..
My father meanwhile, was raised in Damascus after his family had been deported by the British, from Hebron. All Jews from Hebron were at first taken to a Camp in Jerusalem, and from there parceled ot wherever it was easiest for the Brits. Aleppo was home to the main branch of our Clan and so it was there his mum and he went to live for a short while before migrating down to Damascus.
In 47 when violence reached fever pitch in Syria, against the Jews, many went to the safest harbour, the land that is now Israel. My dad was matched in marrage already and took his first wife with him back to the land of his birth, along with his mum, my grandmum.
He joined the nascent Haganah, the organisation that would soon become the IDF, and while fighting in Jerusalem he decided to change our surname to "Ben Ami." Unfortunately his first wife was killed in an act of terrorism in the leadup to the War of Independance, never having borne him children.
He fought again in Egypt in 56, and after that war worked as truck driver for a few months before looking for better pay in the US due to my mum egging I'm on. At the time there wasn't a chance in hell of a non-English speaking Jew gaining a visa so he took the only avenue available, enlisting in the US Navy.
After he finished his second hitch in the early 1960s he brought my mum and eldest brothers over from Israel for what was supposed to be at most, five years. I was born in 67, one of 11 children. We soon moved in with my dad's mum in Brooklyn (NYC), a neighbourhood called Midwood (Ocean Avenue and Aveneue M, 1818 Ocean Ave. actually).
I will continue shortly...
I will skip "music" this time around, have not been listening as of late but "reading" wise I am into a fictional piece by 2 Princton grads, Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason "The Rule of Four." A piece rather similar to Dan rown's "DaVinci Code" which was a horrid piece of nonsense both as a book and with regard to its ridiculous subject matter.
"DaVinci Code" of course, made into a blockbuster movie with Tom Hanks is about Opus Dei the ultra-consiervative Roman Catholic organisation and in the story the organisation is protector of a centuries old secret. The mystery? Jesus' favourite disciple was , according to the tale, Mary Magdalene, his WIFE.
It revolves around a fictitious group called "The Priory of Zion," a European group dedicated to protecting that earth shattering secret and to protect the result of that "fact": Mary was pregnant when Jesus bit the bullet and made her way to France (hahahah) where she sired the founder of a major French dynasty.
Various luminaries are supposed to have been the "Priors" of the "Priory of Zion." Such disaprate people as Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo DaVinci and so on. DaVinci supposedly shows the "secrtet" in his famed painting "The Last Supper."
It is true that if you look at the painting, especially at the restored copy, the person sitting next to Jesus at the table of the Last Supper DOES look eerily like a female but then old Leonardo was gay and the figure COULD represet a number of things.
About 30 odd years ago a down on his luck Frenchman came up with the idea to perpertuate a fraud involving this entire story along with a buddy while drinking (well that explains it then!) and of course got umpteenth public attention and controversy, more than he ever bargained for. The short term result was a British author purporting to wirte a non-fiction piece on this convoluted tale, and this was the basis of Brown's "DaVinci Code."
Too bad because masochistic albinos do make interesting literary characters, better than what is happening with alinos now in Africa; In East Central Africa, especially in Tanzania, traditional healers are making a fast buck on the sale of albino body parts. The truly horrid aspect is that some people are actually walking into peoples' homes and lopping off breasts, etc. of albinos in order to gain these accoutrements!
The problem is so rampant that the leader of the country has gone ahead and adopted an albino orphan to show that albinos "derserve love too" awwwwwww, so heartwarming. I guess all those fisherman who tie albino hairs into their fishing nets will soon be shit out of luck.
60% of the population in the country rely on traditional shaman (i.e. "Witch Doctors") who are liscensed by the govt. Sadly, the govt. has had a knee jerk reaction ad illegalised ALL traditional healers! What a topsy turvy world.
Anyway, the book I am reading is pretty good so far, especially since I pretty much find ALL fiction as putrid as can be save very small amounts of historically accurate Historical Fiction. "The Rule Of Four" is about a Europen manuscript that originated in pre-Renaissance Italy and has entranced centuries of curious minds, and ends up as a murder mystery. Truth be told I am only into it about 30 odd pages but have found it palatable thus far.
It has been quiet for a day or two, not even artillery, which has been steadily trucked in is running at the moment. I have still been in and about the compound, not trusting things quite yet but do want to do some planting soon (veggies, nothing illicit hahahah).
Raining steadily as it has for about 4 months now which would be fine by me except we will lose a rice crop this year and it is never something positive when so many will go hungry and otherwise suffer. We can weather the downturn, thank G-D but so many here truly live hand to mouth and there will be more dying come spring.
On that cheerful note, I though I would talk about myself a bit since Journals are 86d as the saying goes.
My full name is Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami. it is Hebrew and means "Very Compassionate and Inspired Son of My People."
The "Ben Ami" surname, which means "Son of Mt People" literally, was given to my family by my father in and around Israeli Independance
(nineteen fourty eight). It was the custom amongst ardent Zionists to Hebracise or judacise their names as the case maybe.
My dad's original surname was "Dwek" which is an Arabic surname. It can be spelled as "Dweick" or more often, in the West, "Dweck." My dad was born in Hebron, in what is today called the "West Bank" but as with any person born in the British Mandate, his birthplace is listed ad "Palestine," a country that has never existed.
In 1929, when my dad was just a very young boy his dad (my own paternal granddad) was holding his eldest son (my eldest uncle) when he was stabbed to death and decapitated. My uncle was ripped limb from limb while alive. Both were buried in a mass grave by the British who came days after the Arab onslaught and then deported the entire Jewish Community that had lived there since the Bibile was still orally transmitted.
My patrilineal genealogy is dated only to the early 10th Century CE/AD but by our best estimation we are a clan that never went into Exile when our country fell in the 2nd Century CE/AD, to the Romans.
My mum was born in Bessarabia, an area in what is now within the nation of Moldova (actually contested by Russia). The region had been fought over since time immemorial, and had usually been under Turkish dominion for the last 3 to 400 years before her birth, although since WWI had been in the Soviet orbit.
Mum's family originally came from Spain, but by her birh in 1932 had long been adapted to the majority Ashkenazi Jewish Culture, specifically Bratzlav Chassidic culture. In English it is usually referred to as "Breslov Hassdic Culture."
Jews from Spain are normally known as "Sephardim," which literally means "Spanish" in Hebrew. In 1492 CE/AD, the same year Colmbus set sail, the Spanish Monarchy expelled all Jews from the kingdom, and at the same time the Ottoman (Turkish) Sultan allowed many to settle in his kingdom, which as I said included most of the time anyway, Bessarabia.
They migrated eastward into the Ottoman lands. At that same time a major branch of my father's ancestry also suffered Spanish expulsion and made their way to Turkish ruled "Palestine," and ended up marrying into my father's main branch in the 1500s.
So, unlike most Jews I have Ashkenaz, Sephard AND Mirzrach ancestry! "Mizrach" means "East" and is applied to those Jews who never left the Middle-East when our nation lost its sovereignity in the 2nd Century CE/AD. It has been valuable to me in learning many different Jewish perspectives, much more than most other Jews.
Bessarabia, where my mum was born fell to the Nazis and my mum while still a girl was interred in the Death Camps. She obviously survived, and after a long period in a British Refugee Camp where she had been interned while trying to move to Mandate Palestine utilised the services of a matchmaker, entering into an Arranged Marriage with my father. She had wanted to make her way to the US where she had cousins who had emigrated years earlier, not having any other surviving family but the US didn't care much for Jewish Refugees (wait, don't Jews run America?)..
My father meanwhile, was raised in Damascus after his family had been deported by the British, from Hebron. All Jews from Hebron were at first taken to a Camp in Jerusalem, and from there parceled ot wherever it was easiest for the Brits. Aleppo was home to the main branch of our Clan and so it was there his mum and he went to live for a short while before migrating down to Damascus.
In 47 when violence reached fever pitch in Syria, against the Jews, many went to the safest harbour, the land that is now Israel. My dad was matched in marrage already and took his first wife with him back to the land of his birth, along with his mum, my grandmum.
He joined the nascent Haganah, the organisation that would soon become the IDF, and while fighting in Jerusalem he decided to change our surname to "Ben Ami." Unfortunately his first wife was killed in an act of terrorism in the leadup to the War of Independance, never having borne him children.
He fought again in Egypt in 56, and after that war worked as truck driver for a few months before looking for better pay in the US due to my mum egging I'm on. At the time there wasn't a chance in hell of a non-English speaking Jew gaining a visa so he took the only avenue available, enlisting in the US Navy.
After he finished his second hitch in the early 1960s he brought my mum and eldest brothers over from Israel for what was supposed to be at most, five years. I was born in 67, one of 11 children. We soon moved in with my dad's mum in Brooklyn (NYC), a neighbourhood called Midwood (Ocean Avenue and Aveneue M, 1818 Ocean Ave. actually).
I will continue shortly...
"I'm not a racist but I don't want a colored person running my country", my sister says as she slides a tray of spiked plants across the greenhouse table. I picked them up looking at her, befuzzled.
"What???", I say exaggerating the H. I picked up the spikes and set them behind me along with the others. It was morning and the wind was up, knocking the plastic walls againts it's steel pole frame sending hundreds of ice cold water droplets over the both of us. The statement that came roaring out of her mouth was more shocking than the droplets.
I didn't even know how to proceed to tell her about segregation laws considering she'd think I was just preaching to her. Everyone's entitled to their own political opinion I suppose. But that wasnt the main thing that made me want to stop speaking to her for a while.
The plugs came today (tiny baby plants that have a small cube of dirt and roots that you plug into a pot of dirt). It was warmer than the previous days which luckily made it easier to work with weat soil. Tammy and i had hundreds of plugs to plant and a lot of time to talk. Unfortunately i was unaware that she had little sleep last night. She said something that i took slight offense to and i became reserved. My mindless chatter dulled to a mere chuckle of agreement or a disapproving grunt. When she noticed i had been offended she got upset with me.
"You always get mad when anyone says anything bad about you" she says pushing trays of stormy rose petunias back and sliding over a new set of trays. I just sat there pushing the little plants out of their cubicle with my bamboo stick, then placing them in the finger sized whole in the dirt, smiling.
"And i hhhhate the the way you think, you think you can just be lazy and do whatever it is that makes you happy and you'll be just fine." Her voice took on a mother-like tone and her face was twisted with disgust.
I chuckled, but my laughter only ignited fury in the beast as she whirled herself into a bitch calling frenzy. Caught in the eye of the storm I decided to make the most of the situation and make jokes.
"Yessa massa, I's gettin to it. All de plants dey be planted. Please don beat me boss" I said as I doubled my time planting petunia's.
"Shut the fuck up!" Tammy shouts in a extreme manly voice. There was a pause and I felt a bubble of laughter pop within my core.
"fri chikenz?"
She storms out of the greenhouse mumbling under her breath as i sat there with my humor.
But back to my hate for people. yes, I am guilty of calling in when im not really sick. I admit it...I...am a faker (bum bum bummmmm). I like to take a day to paint something or just lay in bed and enjoy being. I'm so sorry that my laziness is so irritating. But what I don't understand is why. If it doesn't hurt anyone for me to not go to work why is it such a big deal? To the boss it may be but to a co-worker? To my sister who doesn't have to do any extra work because of her pregnancy, even if she wasn't pregnant nothing more would be put on her, I know this. And it's not like I tell her I'm not sick or even that im calling in, she has to drive past my mom's to get to work after I should be gone. When she sees my car there she calls and drills me with questions to see if I really am sick.
Indeed I'm sure she thinks she's just trying to help, but my god woman that's not the way to go about things. And if you're so concerned about my work habits why wait to say these things in the heat of hormone town? Why not ask about that when you're asking me why I'm not at work that day?
This is why I am in need of a smaller amount of people in my general region. I like to learn from my own mistakes and not have someone looming over me to point them out when it's completely unnecissary. If my life is spiraling down hill at a fast rate then by all means step in and say a thing or two, but when I'm just wanting to relax one day leave me be. I'll suffer the consequences and you won't have changed in the least.
end rant
"What???", I say exaggerating the H. I picked up the spikes and set them behind me along with the others. It was morning and the wind was up, knocking the plastic walls againts it's steel pole frame sending hundreds of ice cold water droplets over the both of us. The statement that came roaring out of her mouth was more shocking than the droplets.
I didn't even know how to proceed to tell her about segregation laws considering she'd think I was just preaching to her. Everyone's entitled to their own political opinion I suppose. But that wasnt the main thing that made me want to stop speaking to her for a while.
The plugs came today (tiny baby plants that have a small cube of dirt and roots that you plug into a pot of dirt). It was warmer than the previous days which luckily made it easier to work with weat soil. Tammy and i had hundreds of plugs to plant and a lot of time to talk. Unfortunately i was unaware that she had little sleep last night. She said something that i took slight offense to and i became reserved. My mindless chatter dulled to a mere chuckle of agreement or a disapproving grunt. When she noticed i had been offended she got upset with me.
"You always get mad when anyone says anything bad about you" she says pushing trays of stormy rose petunias back and sliding over a new set of trays. I just sat there pushing the little plants out of their cubicle with my bamboo stick, then placing them in the finger sized whole in the dirt, smiling.
"And i hhhhate the the way you think, you think you can just be lazy and do whatever it is that makes you happy and you'll be just fine." Her voice took on a mother-like tone and her face was twisted with disgust.
I chuckled, but my laughter only ignited fury in the beast as she whirled herself into a bitch calling frenzy. Caught in the eye of the storm I decided to make the most of the situation and make jokes.
"Yessa massa, I's gettin to it. All de plants dey be planted. Please don beat me boss" I said as I doubled my time planting petunia's.
"Shut the fuck up!" Tammy shouts in a extreme manly voice. There was a pause and I felt a bubble of laughter pop within my core.
"fri chikenz?"
She storms out of the greenhouse mumbling under her breath as i sat there with my humor.
But back to my hate for people. yes, I am guilty of calling in when im not really sick. I admit it...I...am a faker (bum bum bummmmm). I like to take a day to paint something or just lay in bed and enjoy being. I'm so sorry that my laziness is so irritating. But what I don't understand is why. If it doesn't hurt anyone for me to not go to work why is it such a big deal? To the boss it may be but to a co-worker? To my sister who doesn't have to do any extra work because of her pregnancy, even if she wasn't pregnant nothing more would be put on her, I know this. And it's not like I tell her I'm not sick or even that im calling in, she has to drive past my mom's to get to work after I should be gone. When she sees my car there she calls and drills me with questions to see if I really am sick.
Indeed I'm sure she thinks she's just trying to help, but my god woman that's not the way to go about things. And if you're so concerned about my work habits why wait to say these things in the heat of hormone town? Why not ask about that when you're asking me why I'm not at work that day?
This is why I am in need of a smaller amount of people in my general region. I like to learn from my own mistakes and not have someone looming over me to point them out when it's completely unnecissary. If my life is spiraling down hill at a fast rate then by all means step in and say a thing or two, but when I'm just wanting to relax one day leave me be. I'll suffer the consequences and you won't have changed in the least.
end rant
Hey guys am sittin here kickin back listenin to tunes. That Reiki shit really helped. The major fatigue seems to have lifted so I'm definately going back for another appointment at the end of February. I dread getting the mail everyday as I think there will be dreaded news from the student loan people and today there was something. Fortunately it was only a piece of paper informing me of the interest I paid them so far for the year 2008. I remember the days where clean or loaded sometimes I'd be so paralyzed with fear that I wouldn't even venture out to get the mail for weeks at a time.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
After I got home from work this morning, all I wanted to do was sleep so I missed the Sunday NA meeting. I get home from work around 7:30 or 8am and the meeting doesn't start until 10:30am, so with Sunday meetings it's kinda hit and miss for me. I woke up around 5:30pm this afternoon, kicked back did my thing, then went out to the kitchen for my Weight Watchers food. I found out I'm doing pretty good on it. Weight Watchers allows me 26 points a day of food which is VERY liberal compared to the Atkins Diet. That was plain brutal and WW is a much easier and more realistic way of life. I should get back into exercising like I did at Curves now that the chronic fatigue has been lifted. Exercise was alot of fun for me when I was thin, but with these 50-60 extra lbs, it sucks, but I am losing weight. I'm slowly getting my fragmented life back together, although it's taking a good deal of time, but I suppose still I've accomplished alot since getting clean 2 years ago. I still have to finish writing my letters in order to finish Step 9 in NA. I want to write more, but the clock is ticking here. I have to leave for work in 15 minutes. It feels good to be able to enjoy life once again!
hello again readers, i've been somewhat busy the last few days due to celebrating my 31st birthday. I'm going to fill you in on what's been going on these last few days, and tell you a little more about me.
So friday was my actual birthday. I went shopping with my mum for presents and for lunch-massive plate of beef nachos! I also picked up some paramol and co-codamol OTC for cold water extraction. Friday night i put myself on to work but none at all, unfortunately for you perverts who can't wait to hear about all the sex!-don't worry we'll get to that, i intend to give you a real insight in to my life which does involve,a lot of sex! So i spent the night lying on the sofa watching old movies, with the fire on high, all snug, somewhat high myself. I suffer from daily massive amounts of pain and take a lot of pain medication. I'm normally on dihydrocodeine-8 30mg pills a day, among many other non-opiod things. Recently i had an operation and i'm on tramadol at the moment too. However at my prescribed dose i'm usually still in agony. So i end up taking more and then having to top up with other pain pills i buy or get hold of. So friday night i took double my DHC and tramadol dose and some cold water extracted codeine (thank you bluelighters for saving my liver and stomach) and lay on the sofa relishing a little slice of life where the pain didn't make me want to die, and of course that opioid high! The tramadol tends to make me feel a bit twitchy though so watch out.
Saturday night i went out to celebrate my turning 31. Met up with a load of my friends and family in a bar in the city centre. Had a really good time. Drank many cocktails, mojitos are my favourite, and ended up pretty wasted. Did a fair bit of coke as well.
Sunday i spent mostly in bed but had to go out for more paramol for CWE as run out of pills and don't get any more til the morning. Apart from the pain, i've been on opiate based medication for so many years now i get really bad withdrawel symptoms.
So friday was my actual birthday. I went shopping with my mum for presents and for lunch-massive plate of beef nachos! I also picked up some paramol and co-codamol OTC for cold water extraction. Friday night i put myself on to work but none at all, unfortunately for you perverts who can't wait to hear about all the sex!-don't worry we'll get to that, i intend to give you a real insight in to my life which does involve,a lot of sex! So i spent the night lying on the sofa watching old movies, with the fire on high, all snug, somewhat high myself. I suffer from daily massive amounts of pain and take a lot of pain medication. I'm normally on dihydrocodeine-8 30mg pills a day, among many other non-opiod things. Recently i had an operation and i'm on tramadol at the moment too. However at my prescribed dose i'm usually still in agony. So i end up taking more and then having to top up with other pain pills i buy or get hold of. So friday night i took double my DHC and tramadol dose and some cold water extracted codeine (thank you bluelighters for saving my liver and stomach) and lay on the sofa relishing a little slice of life where the pain didn't make me want to die, and of course that opioid high! The tramadol tends to make me feel a bit twitchy though so watch out.
Saturday night i went out to celebrate my turning 31. Met up with a load of my friends and family in a bar in the city centre. Had a really good time. Drank many cocktails, mojitos are my favourite, and ended up pretty wasted. Did a fair bit of coke as well.
Sunday i spent mostly in bed but had to go out for more paramol for CWE as run out of pills and don't get any more til the morning. Apart from the pain, i've been on opiate based medication for so many years now i get really bad withdrawel symptoms.
I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who have shown me kindness. There seems some that seem to only want to aggravate the issue or cause more suffering. May they find their own peace in their reasons for doing so. In the face of hopelessness and my occasional volatile outburst, some of you have stood beside me. And I thank you for you love, that for someone you never have met, kindness I didn't deserve and understanding that is difficult. I have found hope here as much as I have found pain, and for that I take the time to thank you, and calling you the blessings in my life.
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who have shown me kindness. There seems some that seem to only want to aggravate the issue or cause more suffering. May they find their own peace in their reasons for doing so. In the face of hopelessness and my occasional volatile outburst, some of you have stood beside me. And I thank you for you love, that for someone you never have met, kindness I didn't deserve and understanding that is difficult. I have found hope here as much as I have found pain, and for that I take the time to thank you, and calling you the blessings in my life.
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill