You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Blogs
Filters
Show only:
Loading…
i got up monday morning after no sleep at all in total agony. I recently had a very serious operation to fix a very life threatening problem. What was supposed to be a one and a half hour keyhole surgery turned into a six hour open surgery job. So, considering this, i've been doing quite well. But recently i started having some problems with the recovery, and it really fucking hurts! So i went to the doctor monday morning and, after trying to get me to just core with what i'm already on with some anti-biotics and...wait for this. . .a topical cream, she gave me some buprenorphine to try out. I'm hoping and praying that this will help. I've an appointment on friday to report back. I really need to get back to work, i need the money. And, although some of you will think i'm either lying or crazy, i genuinely enjoy being an escort!
I overslept so didn't go to the NA meeting tonight. It didn't really have anything to do with the chronic fatigue, but more with messing up my routine the past couple of days. I want my old weight back and I'm working on it. I know I'll have alot more energy then too, not having to carry all this weight around, it sucks. Not much is going on. I get tonight off which is cool. I woke up at 7:30pm and now I'm wide awake as I usually am working graveyard and will be for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is my one day shift, so I get to see the daylight for a little bit. Jeff called me tonight. We talked on the phone for almost 2 hrs. He's in this writing class in college, but having a hard time because most of the students are like 18-19 years old, not our age at all. Although the instructor appreciated Jeff's play, it was like the rest of the class just didn't get it, so I told him, dude the number one rule in writing is that there are no rules. As long as you don't turn in some half assed assignment it's all good. Jeff and I are a completely different age group from those young kiddies and of course what they see, hear, and appreciate in the form of plays and stories are likely to be as different as our ages, but like I said before it's all good. Talking to Jeff was like an NA meeting in itself because it's said that when 2 or more recovering addicts get together or talk, it's a meeting.
Today is Tuesday, Feburary 3rd, 2009 and it is now 5:30 AM here in the Philippines.
I will skip "music" this time around, have not been listening as of late but "reading" wise I am into a fictional piece by 2 Princton grads, Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason "The Rule of Four." A piece rather similar to Dan rown's "DaVinci Code" which was a horrid piece of nonsense both as a book and with regard to its ridiculous subject matter.
"DaVinci Code" of course, made into a blockbuster movie with Tom Hanks is about Opus Dei the ultra-consiervative Roman Catholic organisation and in the story the organisation is protector of a centuries old secret. The mystery? Jesus' favourite disciple was , according to the tale, Mary Magdalene, his WIFE.
It revolves around a fictitious group called "The Priory of Zion," a European group dedicated to protecting that earth shattering secret and to protect the result of that "fact": Mary was pregnant when Jesus bit the bullet and made her way to France (hahahah) where she sired the founder of a major French dynasty.
Various luminaries are supposed to have been the "Priors" of the "Priory of Zion." Such disaprate people as Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo DaVinci and so on. DaVinci supposedly shows the "secrtet" in his famed painting "The Last Supper."
It is true that if you look at the painting, especially at the restored copy, the person sitting next to Jesus at the table of the Last Supper DOES look eerily like a female but then old Leonardo was gay and the figure COULD represet a number of things.
About 30 odd years ago a down on his luck Frenchman came up with the idea to perpertuate a fraud involving this entire story along with a buddy while drinking (well that explains it then!) and of course got umpteenth public attention and controversy, more than he ever bargained for. The short term result was a British author purporting to wirte a non-fiction piece on this convoluted tale, and this was the basis of Brown's "DaVinci Code."
Too bad because masochistic albinos do make interesting literary characters, better than what is happening with alinos now in Africa; In East Central Africa, especially in Tanzania, traditional healers are making a fast buck on the sale of albino body parts. The truly horrid aspect is that some people are actually walking into peoples' homes and lopping off breasts, etc. of albinos in order to gain these accoutrements!
The problem is so rampant that the leader of the country has gone ahead and adopted an albino orphan to show that albinos "derserve love too" awwwwwww, so heartwarming. I guess all those fisherman who tie albino hairs into their fishing nets will soon be shit out of luck.
60% of the population in the country rely on traditional shaman (i.e. "Witch Doctors") who are liscensed by the govt. Sadly, the govt. has had a knee jerk reaction ad illegalised ALL traditional healers! What a topsy turvy world.
Anyway, the book I am reading is pretty good so far, especially since I pretty much find ALL fiction as putrid as can be save very small amounts of historically accurate Historical Fiction. "The Rule Of Four" is about a Europen manuscript that originated in pre-Renaissance Italy and has entranced centuries of curious minds, and ends up as a murder mystery. Truth be told I am only into it about 30 odd pages but have found it palatable thus far.
It has been quiet for a day or two, not even artillery, which has been steadily trucked in is running at the moment. I have still been in and about the compound, not trusting things quite yet but do want to do some planting soon (veggies, nothing illicit hahahah).
Raining steadily as it has for about 4 months now which would be fine by me except we will lose a rice crop this year and it is never something positive when so many will go hungry and otherwise suffer. We can weather the downturn, thank G-D but so many here truly live hand to mouth and there will be more dying come spring.
On that cheerful note, I though I would talk about myself a bit since Journals are 86d as the saying goes.
My full name is Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami. it is Hebrew and means "Very Compassionate and Inspired Son of My People."
The "Ben Ami" surname, which means "Son of Mt People" literally, was given to my family by my father in and around Israeli Independance
(nineteen fourty eight). It was the custom amongst ardent Zionists to Hebracise or judacise their names as the case maybe.
My dad's original surname was "Dwek" which is an Arabic surname. It can be spelled as "Dweick" or more often, in the West, "Dweck." My dad was born in Hebron, in what is today called the "West Bank" but as with any person born in the British Mandate, his birthplace is listed ad "Palestine," a country that has never existed.
In 1929, when my dad was just a very young boy his dad (my own paternal granddad) was holding his eldest son (my eldest uncle) when he was stabbed to death and decapitated. My uncle was ripped limb from limb while alive. Both were buried in a mass grave by the British who came days after the Arab onslaught and then deported the entire Jewish Community that had lived there since the Bibile was still orally transmitted.
My patrilineal genealogy is dated only to the early 10th Century CE/AD but by our best estimation we are a clan that never went into Exile when our country fell in the 2nd Century CE/AD, to the Romans.
My mum was born in Bessarabia, an area in what is now within the nation of Moldova (actually contested by Russia). The region had been fought over since time immemorial, and had usually been under Turkish dominion for the last 3 to 400 years before her birth, although since WWI had been in the Soviet orbit.
Mum's family originally came from Spain, but by her birh in 1932 had long been adapted to the majority Ashkenazi Jewish Culture, specifically Bratzlav Chassidic culture. In English it is usually referred to as "Breslov Hassdic Culture."
Jews from Spain are normally known as "Sephardim," which literally means "Spanish" in Hebrew. In 1492 CE/AD, the same year Colmbus set sail, the Spanish Monarchy expelled all Jews from the kingdom, and at the same time the Ottoman (Turkish) Sultan allowed many to settle in his kingdom, which as I said included most of the time anyway, Bessarabia.
They migrated eastward into the Ottoman lands. At that same time a major branch of my father's ancestry also suffered Spanish expulsion and made their way to Turkish ruled "Palestine," and ended up marrying into my father's main branch in the 1500s.
So, unlike most Jews I have Ashkenaz, Sephard AND Mirzrach ancestry! "Mizrach" means "East" and is applied to those Jews who never left the Middle-East when our nation lost its sovereignity in the 2nd Century CE/AD. It has been valuable to me in learning many different Jewish perspectives, much more than most other Jews.
Bessarabia, where my mum was born fell to the Nazis and my mum while still a girl was interred in the Death Camps. She obviously survived, and after a long period in a British Refugee Camp where she had been interned while trying to move to Mandate Palestine utilised the services of a matchmaker, entering into an Arranged Marriage with my father. She had wanted to make her way to the US where she had cousins who had emigrated years earlier, not having any other surviving family but the US didn't care much for Jewish Refugees (wait, don't Jews run America?)..
My father meanwhile, was raised in Damascus after his family had been deported by the British, from Hebron. All Jews from Hebron were at first taken to a Camp in Jerusalem, and from there parceled ot wherever it was easiest for the Brits. Aleppo was home to the main branch of our Clan and so it was there his mum and he went to live for a short while before migrating down to Damascus.
In 47 when violence reached fever pitch in Syria, against the Jews, many went to the safest harbour, the land that is now Israel. My dad was matched in marrage already and took his first wife with him back to the land of his birth, along with his mum, my grandmum.
He joined the nascent Haganah, the organisation that would soon become the IDF, and while fighting in Jerusalem he decided to change our surname to "Ben Ami." Unfortunately his first wife was killed in an act of terrorism in the leadup to the War of Independance, never having borne him children.
He fought again in Egypt in 56, and after that war worked as truck driver for a few months before looking for better pay in the US due to my mum egging I'm on. At the time there wasn't a chance in hell of a non-English speaking Jew gaining a visa so he took the only avenue available, enlisting in the US Navy.
After he finished his second hitch in the early 1960s he brought my mum and eldest brothers over from Israel for what was supposed to be at most, five years. I was born in 67, one of 11 children. We soon moved in with my dad's mum in Brooklyn (NYC), a neighbourhood called Midwood (Ocean Avenue and Aveneue M, 1818 Ocean Ave. actually).
I will continue shortly...
I will skip "music" this time around, have not been listening as of late but "reading" wise I am into a fictional piece by 2 Princton grads, Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason "The Rule of Four." A piece rather similar to Dan rown's "DaVinci Code" which was a horrid piece of nonsense both as a book and with regard to its ridiculous subject matter.
"DaVinci Code" of course, made into a blockbuster movie with Tom Hanks is about Opus Dei the ultra-consiervative Roman Catholic organisation and in the story the organisation is protector of a centuries old secret. The mystery? Jesus' favourite disciple was , according to the tale, Mary Magdalene, his WIFE.
It revolves around a fictitious group called "The Priory of Zion," a European group dedicated to protecting that earth shattering secret and to protect the result of that "fact": Mary was pregnant when Jesus bit the bullet and made her way to France (hahahah) where she sired the founder of a major French dynasty.
Various luminaries are supposed to have been the "Priors" of the "Priory of Zion." Such disaprate people as Sir Isaac Newton, Leonardo DaVinci and so on. DaVinci supposedly shows the "secrtet" in his famed painting "The Last Supper."
It is true that if you look at the painting, especially at the restored copy, the person sitting next to Jesus at the table of the Last Supper DOES look eerily like a female but then old Leonardo was gay and the figure COULD represet a number of things.
About 30 odd years ago a down on his luck Frenchman came up with the idea to perpertuate a fraud involving this entire story along with a buddy while drinking (well that explains it then!) and of course got umpteenth public attention and controversy, more than he ever bargained for. The short term result was a British author purporting to wirte a non-fiction piece on this convoluted tale, and this was the basis of Brown's "DaVinci Code."
Too bad because masochistic albinos do make interesting literary characters, better than what is happening with alinos now in Africa; In East Central Africa, especially in Tanzania, traditional healers are making a fast buck on the sale of albino body parts. The truly horrid aspect is that some people are actually walking into peoples' homes and lopping off breasts, etc. of albinos in order to gain these accoutrements!
The problem is so rampant that the leader of the country has gone ahead and adopted an albino orphan to show that albinos "derserve love too" awwwwwww, so heartwarming. I guess all those fisherman who tie albino hairs into their fishing nets will soon be shit out of luck.
60% of the population in the country rely on traditional shaman (i.e. "Witch Doctors") who are liscensed by the govt. Sadly, the govt. has had a knee jerk reaction ad illegalised ALL traditional healers! What a topsy turvy world.
Anyway, the book I am reading is pretty good so far, especially since I pretty much find ALL fiction as putrid as can be save very small amounts of historically accurate Historical Fiction. "The Rule Of Four" is about a Europen manuscript that originated in pre-Renaissance Italy and has entranced centuries of curious minds, and ends up as a murder mystery. Truth be told I am only into it about 30 odd pages but have found it palatable thus far.
It has been quiet for a day or two, not even artillery, which has been steadily trucked in is running at the moment. I have still been in and about the compound, not trusting things quite yet but do want to do some planting soon (veggies, nothing illicit hahahah).
Raining steadily as it has for about 4 months now which would be fine by me except we will lose a rice crop this year and it is never something positive when so many will go hungry and otherwise suffer. We can weather the downturn, thank G-D but so many here truly live hand to mouth and there will be more dying come spring.
On that cheerful note, I though I would talk about myself a bit since Journals are 86d as the saying goes.
My full name is Rachamim Ra'anan Ben Ami. it is Hebrew and means "Very Compassionate and Inspired Son of My People."
The "Ben Ami" surname, which means "Son of Mt People" literally, was given to my family by my father in and around Israeli Independance
(nineteen fourty eight). It was the custom amongst ardent Zionists to Hebracise or judacise their names as the case maybe.
My dad's original surname was "Dwek" which is an Arabic surname. It can be spelled as "Dweick" or more often, in the West, "Dweck." My dad was born in Hebron, in what is today called the "West Bank" but as with any person born in the British Mandate, his birthplace is listed ad "Palestine," a country that has never existed.
In 1929, when my dad was just a very young boy his dad (my own paternal granddad) was holding his eldest son (my eldest uncle) when he was stabbed to death and decapitated. My uncle was ripped limb from limb while alive. Both were buried in a mass grave by the British who came days after the Arab onslaught and then deported the entire Jewish Community that had lived there since the Bibile was still orally transmitted.
My patrilineal genealogy is dated only to the early 10th Century CE/AD but by our best estimation we are a clan that never went into Exile when our country fell in the 2nd Century CE/AD, to the Romans.
My mum was born in Bessarabia, an area in what is now within the nation of Moldova (actually contested by Russia). The region had been fought over since time immemorial, and had usually been under Turkish dominion for the last 3 to 400 years before her birth, although since WWI had been in the Soviet orbit.
Mum's family originally came from Spain, but by her birh in 1932 had long been adapted to the majority Ashkenazi Jewish Culture, specifically Bratzlav Chassidic culture. In English it is usually referred to as "Breslov Hassdic Culture."
Jews from Spain are normally known as "Sephardim," which literally means "Spanish" in Hebrew. In 1492 CE/AD, the same year Colmbus set sail, the Spanish Monarchy expelled all Jews from the kingdom, and at the same time the Ottoman (Turkish) Sultan allowed many to settle in his kingdom, which as I said included most of the time anyway, Bessarabia.
They migrated eastward into the Ottoman lands. At that same time a major branch of my father's ancestry also suffered Spanish expulsion and made their way to Turkish ruled "Palestine," and ended up marrying into my father's main branch in the 1500s.
So, unlike most Jews I have Ashkenaz, Sephard AND Mirzrach ancestry! "Mizrach" means "East" and is applied to those Jews who never left the Middle-East when our nation lost its sovereignity in the 2nd Century CE/AD. It has been valuable to me in learning many different Jewish perspectives, much more than most other Jews.
Bessarabia, where my mum was born fell to the Nazis and my mum while still a girl was interred in the Death Camps. She obviously survived, and after a long period in a British Refugee Camp where she had been interned while trying to move to Mandate Palestine utilised the services of a matchmaker, entering into an Arranged Marriage with my father. She had wanted to make her way to the US where she had cousins who had emigrated years earlier, not having any other surviving family but the US didn't care much for Jewish Refugees (wait, don't Jews run America?)..
My father meanwhile, was raised in Damascus after his family had been deported by the British, from Hebron. All Jews from Hebron were at first taken to a Camp in Jerusalem, and from there parceled ot wherever it was easiest for the Brits. Aleppo was home to the main branch of our Clan and so it was there his mum and he went to live for a short while before migrating down to Damascus.
In 47 when violence reached fever pitch in Syria, against the Jews, many went to the safest harbour, the land that is now Israel. My dad was matched in marrage already and took his first wife with him back to the land of his birth, along with his mum, my grandmum.
He joined the nascent Haganah, the organisation that would soon become the IDF, and while fighting in Jerusalem he decided to change our surname to "Ben Ami." Unfortunately his first wife was killed in an act of terrorism in the leadup to the War of Independance, never having borne him children.
He fought again in Egypt in 56, and after that war worked as truck driver for a few months before looking for better pay in the US due to my mum egging I'm on. At the time there wasn't a chance in hell of a non-English speaking Jew gaining a visa so he took the only avenue available, enlisting in the US Navy.
After he finished his second hitch in the early 1960s he brought my mum and eldest brothers over from Israel for what was supposed to be at most, five years. I was born in 67, one of 11 children. We soon moved in with my dad's mum in Brooklyn (NYC), a neighbourhood called Midwood (Ocean Avenue and Aveneue M, 1818 Ocean Ave. actually).
I will continue shortly...
"I'm not a racist but I don't want a colored person running my country", my sister says as she slides a tray of spiked plants across the greenhouse table. I picked them up looking at her, befuzzled.
"What???", I say exaggerating the H. I picked up the spikes and set them behind me along with the others. It was morning and the wind was up, knocking the plastic walls againts it's steel pole frame sending hundreds of ice cold water droplets over the both of us. The statement that came roaring out of her mouth was more shocking than the droplets.
I didn't even know how to proceed to tell her about segregation laws considering she'd think I was just preaching to her. Everyone's entitled to their own political opinion I suppose. But that wasnt the main thing that made me want to stop speaking to her for a while.
The plugs came today (tiny baby plants that have a small cube of dirt and roots that you plug into a pot of dirt). It was warmer than the previous days which luckily made it easier to work with weat soil. Tammy and i had hundreds of plugs to plant and a lot of time to talk. Unfortunately i was unaware that she had little sleep last night. She said something that i took slight offense to and i became reserved. My mindless chatter dulled to a mere chuckle of agreement or a disapproving grunt. When she noticed i had been offended she got upset with me.
"You always get mad when anyone says anything bad about you" she says pushing trays of stormy rose petunias back and sliding over a new set of trays. I just sat there pushing the little plants out of their cubicle with my bamboo stick, then placing them in the finger sized whole in the dirt, smiling.
"And i hhhhate the the way you think, you think you can just be lazy and do whatever it is that makes you happy and you'll be just fine." Her voice took on a mother-like tone and her face was twisted with disgust.
I chuckled, but my laughter only ignited fury in the beast as she whirled herself into a bitch calling frenzy. Caught in the eye of the storm I decided to make the most of the situation and make jokes.
"Yessa massa, I's gettin to it. All de plants dey be planted. Please don beat me boss" I said as I doubled my time planting petunia's.
"Shut the fuck up!" Tammy shouts in a extreme manly voice. There was a pause and I felt a bubble of laughter pop within my core.
"fri chikenz?"
She storms out of the greenhouse mumbling under her breath as i sat there with my humor.
But back to my hate for people. yes, I am guilty of calling in when im not really sick. I admit it...I...am a faker (bum bum bummmmm). I like to take a day to paint something or just lay in bed and enjoy being. I'm so sorry that my laziness is so irritating. But what I don't understand is why. If it doesn't hurt anyone for me to not go to work why is it such a big deal? To the boss it may be but to a co-worker? To my sister who doesn't have to do any extra work because of her pregnancy, even if she wasn't pregnant nothing more would be put on her, I know this. And it's not like I tell her I'm not sick or even that im calling in, she has to drive past my mom's to get to work after I should be gone. When she sees my car there she calls and drills me with questions to see if I really am sick.
Indeed I'm sure she thinks she's just trying to help, but my god woman that's not the way to go about things. And if you're so concerned about my work habits why wait to say these things in the heat of hormone town? Why not ask about that when you're asking me why I'm not at work that day?
This is why I am in need of a smaller amount of people in my general region. I like to learn from my own mistakes and not have someone looming over me to point them out when it's completely unnecissary. If my life is spiraling down hill at a fast rate then by all means step in and say a thing or two, but when I'm just wanting to relax one day leave me be. I'll suffer the consequences and you won't have changed in the least.
end rant
"What???", I say exaggerating the H. I picked up the spikes and set them behind me along with the others. It was morning and the wind was up, knocking the plastic walls againts it's steel pole frame sending hundreds of ice cold water droplets over the both of us. The statement that came roaring out of her mouth was more shocking than the droplets.
I didn't even know how to proceed to tell her about segregation laws considering she'd think I was just preaching to her. Everyone's entitled to their own political opinion I suppose. But that wasnt the main thing that made me want to stop speaking to her for a while.
The plugs came today (tiny baby plants that have a small cube of dirt and roots that you plug into a pot of dirt). It was warmer than the previous days which luckily made it easier to work with weat soil. Tammy and i had hundreds of plugs to plant and a lot of time to talk. Unfortunately i was unaware that she had little sleep last night. She said something that i took slight offense to and i became reserved. My mindless chatter dulled to a mere chuckle of agreement or a disapproving grunt. When she noticed i had been offended she got upset with me.
"You always get mad when anyone says anything bad about you" she says pushing trays of stormy rose petunias back and sliding over a new set of trays. I just sat there pushing the little plants out of their cubicle with my bamboo stick, then placing them in the finger sized whole in the dirt, smiling.
"And i hhhhate the the way you think, you think you can just be lazy and do whatever it is that makes you happy and you'll be just fine." Her voice took on a mother-like tone and her face was twisted with disgust.
I chuckled, but my laughter only ignited fury in the beast as she whirled herself into a bitch calling frenzy. Caught in the eye of the storm I decided to make the most of the situation and make jokes.
"Yessa massa, I's gettin to it. All de plants dey be planted. Please don beat me boss" I said as I doubled my time planting petunia's.
"Shut the fuck up!" Tammy shouts in a extreme manly voice. There was a pause and I felt a bubble of laughter pop within my core.
"fri chikenz?"
She storms out of the greenhouse mumbling under her breath as i sat there with my humor.
But back to my hate for people. yes, I am guilty of calling in when im not really sick. I admit it...I...am a faker (bum bum bummmmm). I like to take a day to paint something or just lay in bed and enjoy being. I'm so sorry that my laziness is so irritating. But what I don't understand is why. If it doesn't hurt anyone for me to not go to work why is it such a big deal? To the boss it may be but to a co-worker? To my sister who doesn't have to do any extra work because of her pregnancy, even if she wasn't pregnant nothing more would be put on her, I know this. And it's not like I tell her I'm not sick or even that im calling in, she has to drive past my mom's to get to work after I should be gone. When she sees my car there she calls and drills me with questions to see if I really am sick.
Indeed I'm sure she thinks she's just trying to help, but my god woman that's not the way to go about things. And if you're so concerned about my work habits why wait to say these things in the heat of hormone town? Why not ask about that when you're asking me why I'm not at work that day?
This is why I am in need of a smaller amount of people in my general region. I like to learn from my own mistakes and not have someone looming over me to point them out when it's completely unnecissary. If my life is spiraling down hill at a fast rate then by all means step in and say a thing or two, but when I'm just wanting to relax one day leave me be. I'll suffer the consequences and you won't have changed in the least.
end rant
Hey guys am sittin here kickin back listenin to tunes. That Reiki shit really helped. The major fatigue seems to have lifted so I'm definately going back for another appointment at the end of February. I dread getting the mail everyday as I think there will be dreaded news from the student loan people and today there was something. Fortunately it was only a piece of paper informing me of the interest I paid them so far for the year 2008. I remember the days where clean or loaded sometimes I'd be so paralyzed with fear that I wouldn't even venture out to get the mail for weeks at a time.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
After I got home from work this morning, all I wanted to do was sleep so I missed the Sunday NA meeting. I get home from work around 7:30 or 8am and the meeting doesn't start until 10:30am, so with Sunday meetings it's kinda hit and miss for me. I woke up around 5:30pm this afternoon, kicked back did my thing, then went out to the kitchen for my Weight Watchers food. I found out I'm doing pretty good on it. Weight Watchers allows me 26 points a day of food which is VERY liberal compared to the Atkins Diet. That was plain brutal and WW is a much easier and more realistic way of life. I should get back into exercising like I did at Curves now that the chronic fatigue has been lifted. Exercise was alot of fun for me when I was thin, but with these 50-60 extra lbs, it sucks, but I am losing weight. I'm slowly getting my fragmented life back together, although it's taking a good deal of time, but I suppose still I've accomplished alot since getting clean 2 years ago. I still have to finish writing my letters in order to finish Step 9 in NA. I want to write more, but the clock is ticking here. I have to leave for work in 15 minutes. It feels good to be able to enjoy life once again!
hello again readers, i've been somewhat busy the last few days due to celebrating my 31st birthday. I'm going to fill you in on what's been going on these last few days, and tell you a little more about me.
So friday was my actual birthday. I went shopping with my mum for presents and for lunch-massive plate of beef nachos! I also picked up some paramol and co-codamol OTC for cold water extraction. Friday night i put myself on to work but none at all, unfortunately for you perverts who can't wait to hear about all the sex!-don't worry we'll get to that, i intend to give you a real insight in to my life which does involve,a lot of sex! So i spent the night lying on the sofa watching old movies, with the fire on high, all snug, somewhat high myself. I suffer from daily massive amounts of pain and take a lot of pain medication. I'm normally on dihydrocodeine-8 30mg pills a day, among many other non-opiod things. Recently i had an operation and i'm on tramadol at the moment too. However at my prescribed dose i'm usually still in agony. So i end up taking more and then having to top up with other pain pills i buy or get hold of. So friday night i took double my DHC and tramadol dose and some cold water extracted codeine (thank you bluelighters for saving my liver and stomach) and lay on the sofa relishing a little slice of life where the pain didn't make me want to die, and of course that opioid high! The tramadol tends to make me feel a bit twitchy though so watch out.
Saturday night i went out to celebrate my turning 31. Met up with a load of my friends and family in a bar in the city centre. Had a really good time. Drank many cocktails, mojitos are my favourite, and ended up pretty wasted. Did a fair bit of coke as well.
Sunday i spent mostly in bed but had to go out for more paramol for CWE as run out of pills and don't get any more til the morning. Apart from the pain, i've been on opiate based medication for so many years now i get really bad withdrawel symptoms.
So friday was my actual birthday. I went shopping with my mum for presents and for lunch-massive plate of beef nachos! I also picked up some paramol and co-codamol OTC for cold water extraction. Friday night i put myself on to work but none at all, unfortunately for you perverts who can't wait to hear about all the sex!-don't worry we'll get to that, i intend to give you a real insight in to my life which does involve,a lot of sex! So i spent the night lying on the sofa watching old movies, with the fire on high, all snug, somewhat high myself. I suffer from daily massive amounts of pain and take a lot of pain medication. I'm normally on dihydrocodeine-8 30mg pills a day, among many other non-opiod things. Recently i had an operation and i'm on tramadol at the moment too. However at my prescribed dose i'm usually still in agony. So i end up taking more and then having to top up with other pain pills i buy or get hold of. So friday night i took double my DHC and tramadol dose and some cold water extracted codeine (thank you bluelighters for saving my liver and stomach) and lay on the sofa relishing a little slice of life where the pain didn't make me want to die, and of course that opioid high! The tramadol tends to make me feel a bit twitchy though so watch out.
Saturday night i went out to celebrate my turning 31. Met up with a load of my friends and family in a bar in the city centre. Had a really good time. Drank many cocktails, mojitos are my favourite, and ended up pretty wasted. Did a fair bit of coke as well.
Sunday i spent mostly in bed but had to go out for more paramol for CWE as run out of pills and don't get any more til the morning. Apart from the pain, i've been on opiate based medication for so many years now i get really bad withdrawel symptoms.
I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who have shown me kindness. There seems some that seem to only want to aggravate the issue or cause more suffering. May they find their own peace in their reasons for doing so. In the face of hopelessness and my occasional volatile outburst, some of you have stood beside me. And I thank you for you love, that for someone you never have met, kindness I didn't deserve and understanding that is difficult. I have found hope here as much as I have found pain, and for that I take the time to thank you, and calling you the blessings in my life.
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
I wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who have shown me kindness. There seems some that seem to only want to aggravate the issue or cause more suffering. May they find their own peace in their reasons for doing so. In the face of hopelessness and my occasional volatile outburst, some of you have stood beside me. And I thank you for you love, that for someone you never have met, kindness I didn't deserve and understanding that is difficult. I have found hope here as much as I have found pain, and for that I take the time to thank you, and calling you the blessings in my life.
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
Much love,
Leslie aka Pillthill
Okay so I've been 'with' this guy for about 2 1/2 months now. He is a senior and I'm a freshman. Of course the first thing I thought about him was he was just trying to play me, get in my pants then leave kind of thing. Well turns out I was wrong! :D He is a sweetheart no doubt and he is very, very handsome. In my past relationships I've had guys that just wanted my body*
Now that this new guy is in my life I want to know when he will finally ask me out. Is about 3 monthes too long to be 'talking'? that is my first question.
Okay now on to number 2. He says he really likes me but have you ever had someone who just really liked to start random fights over nothing. I guess he is just being jealous which isn't always a bad thing but still, I don't like when we fight for no reason. Its kidish and just flat out stupid.
Okay my 3rd question is.. He says we won't have sex until I am ready to. I honestly don't want to have sex with him because I like him so much. I know this may sound a little strange but I'm just trying to be 100% honest here. Truthfully, I think it would be a lot easier to have sex with a guy I met a week ago that I thought was cute/hot whatever, then to have sex with a guy I had real feelings for. I want to know, is that a normal feeling? I mean sure sometime when I'm ready I will but we haven't done anything and the thought of doing anything with him is just weird. I really don't know why I'm having these weird feelings.
xoxo, jlynn
Now that this new guy is in my life I want to know when he will finally ask me out. Is about 3 monthes too long to be 'talking'? that is my first question.
Okay now on to number 2. He says he really likes me but have you ever had someone who just really liked to start random fights over nothing. I guess he is just being jealous which isn't always a bad thing but still, I don't like when we fight for no reason. Its kidish and just flat out stupid.
Okay my 3rd question is.. He says we won't have sex until I am ready to. I honestly don't want to have sex with him because I like him so much. I know this may sound a little strange but I'm just trying to be 100% honest here. Truthfully, I think it would be a lot easier to have sex with a guy I met a week ago that I thought was cute/hot whatever, then to have sex with a guy I had real feelings for. I want to know, is that a normal feeling? I mean sure sometime when I'm ready I will but we haven't done anything and the thought of doing anything with him is just weird. I really don't know why I'm having these weird feelings.
xoxo, jlynn
I feel like with all of the drugs that I have did in my life, no matter what, I was still here. I never understand that, and everyone was dying around me including my own husband, and after that a lover and then my best friend. I know that I am not on these things as bad as I was. I raise my kids, and do not have the money to spend on those things as I did before I was a mother. I just feel like I tend to pick wounded people, because I am wounded myself. I have a good heart, and I am trying to make amends for everything I can not change, but by helping others and devoting my life and time to anyone thats heart is as blue as the blood in their vains. I might find peace. Needless to say, it isn't working. I have not found any peace, not even within site.
Cryng all of the time, mourning for the past. No one knows for certain, and you were always right, because if a breaze could blow you out of my life. We are only smoke and ashes.
So with all of my recent events in my life I am now reminded of why I am still here. I am tired of the old Stella. She died with Joe. I am going to start taking more of a stand and demanding what my heart needs to heal even if it means others need to fend for themselves for a minute. If that means stepping down from TDS I will. I do not think it will come to that, but I will never look at things the same as before. I will not sugar coat self harm. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I will not be okay with all of you dying. Be smart, and stop waiting for someone to save you. Save yourself. So say you'll never close your eyes, and protend that it's a rosey world, say you will never try to paint what is right without sugar coat. I want you to picture the horrors me and others have seen so you will know when we tell you like it is, you will listen or at least be fucking more careful. See you talk about the horrors you'ver seen, and the torment you know. All I have to say to that, is come back and talk to me when you bury your husband, then your love, and the latest, my best fucking friend. The only place I can really say this and make a difference is in TDS, so I want to remind everyone why TDS is here. What makes you weak, weak at dark? What makes you want want to break down in silence and bind? Thats what I love about TDS, we can tell it like it is, just so no one can forget. When we forget, we repeat. I am tired of burying everyone I love. Know your body is fragile. One day we are here, and are gone the next. I wished I could tell you that I am okay. I am really in my survival mood, and I am doing what I need too.
All I need to do is figure out why I am dealing with so much pain. The way that I love the people I love is so different then other people. I love you with my entire soul, and I give them a piece of me, and then everytime they die, a part me does too. So I feel as if I am dead already. So much of me is gone. I feel as if I need rescued this time, but I know all we have in the end is ourselves, and I refuse to give in now. Not now, I have came so far, and my composer is maintaining. It's just after we buried Joe, I was in such a familliar place. I was basicly burying my husband all over again, because he was my best friend just as Joe was. I couldn't stop him from overdosing, just like I couldn't my husband. He knew everything about me, and I feel so betrayed. I felt like if we were just friends that would be the one way I could be close and still be safe. Not lovers, just close enough that we were still separate people, not a couple. But it was such a stupid torchure I put us both through. After worrying about losing you and not committing, then if you died it would hurt less. I loved you even though you were out of control, I didn't go with you because I have seen this behavior before. Even after I warned you, you just keep it from me. Somehow I am still alive inside, losing you basicly took my breathe but I am surviving. I don't even know how. How does someone expect a person to live without air, and I feel like the part you left with was everything I had left to give and all of my air to the point I can't even breathe. You were my everything. All of the ones I have lost in my life time. How does a person get that back? I have been to therapy, hell I could teach the class. I still made another appointment on the 11th of Feb. I just do not feel like I am ever going to be the same. I have lost such a good part of myself by losing these parts of my life. I miss them. I feel as if I have no air at all at times.
Maybe I need to forgive them. There are times when I notice my mourning turns to rage and anger. I feel like they were a part of a bigger picture to teach me a lesson. I want to be forgiven for failing them. I just do not see myself giving myself that peace. If I leave this world, I would leave it showing I didn't care. If I sleep just to dream of you, then I have to wake without you there. I feel so alone, and I feel like something is missing. I need to find myself again without you.
Cryng all of the time, mourning for the past. No one knows for certain, and you were always right, because if a breaze could blow you out of my life. We are only smoke and ashes.
So with all of my recent events in my life I am now reminded of why I am still here. I am tired of the old Stella. She died with Joe. I am going to start taking more of a stand and demanding what my heart needs to heal even if it means others need to fend for themselves for a minute. If that means stepping down from TDS I will. I do not think it will come to that, but I will never look at things the same as before. I will not sugar coat self harm. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I will not be okay with all of you dying. Be smart, and stop waiting for someone to save you. Save yourself. So say you'll never close your eyes, and protend that it's a rosey world, say you will never try to paint what is right without sugar coat. I want you to picture the horrors me and others have seen so you will know when we tell you like it is, you will listen or at least be fucking more careful. See you talk about the horrors you'ver seen, and the torment you know. All I have to say to that, is come back and talk to me when you bury your husband, then your love, and the latest, my best fucking friend. The only place I can really say this and make a difference is in TDS, so I want to remind everyone why TDS is here. What makes you weak, weak at dark? What makes you want want to break down in silence and bind? Thats what I love about TDS, we can tell it like it is, just so no one can forget. When we forget, we repeat. I am tired of burying everyone I love. Know your body is fragile. One day we are here, and are gone the next. I wished I could tell you that I am okay. I am really in my survival mood, and I am doing what I need too.
All I need to do is figure out why I am dealing with so much pain. The way that I love the people I love is so different then other people. I love you with my entire soul, and I give them a piece of me, and then everytime they die, a part me does too. So I feel as if I am dead already. So much of me is gone. I feel as if I need rescued this time, but I know all we have in the end is ourselves, and I refuse to give in now. Not now, I have came so far, and my composer is maintaining. It's just after we buried Joe, I was in such a familliar place. I was basicly burying my husband all over again, because he was my best friend just as Joe was. I couldn't stop him from overdosing, just like I couldn't my husband. He knew everything about me, and I feel so betrayed. I felt like if we were just friends that would be the one way I could be close and still be safe. Not lovers, just close enough that we were still separate people, not a couple. But it was such a stupid torchure I put us both through. After worrying about losing you and not committing, then if you died it would hurt less. I loved you even though you were out of control, I didn't go with you because I have seen this behavior before. Even after I warned you, you just keep it from me. Somehow I am still alive inside, losing you basicly took my breathe but I am surviving. I don't even know how. How does someone expect a person to live without air, and I feel like the part you left with was everything I had left to give and all of my air to the point I can't even breathe. You were my everything. All of the ones I have lost in my life time. How does a person get that back? I have been to therapy, hell I could teach the class. I still made another appointment on the 11th of Feb. I just do not feel like I am ever going to be the same. I have lost such a good part of myself by losing these parts of my life. I miss them. I feel as if I have no air at all at times.
Maybe I need to forgive them. There are times when I notice my mourning turns to rage and anger. I feel like they were a part of a bigger picture to teach me a lesson. I want to be forgiven for failing them. I just do not see myself giving myself that peace. If I leave this world, I would leave it showing I didn't care. If I sleep just to dream of you, then I have to wake without you there. I feel so alone, and I feel like something is missing. I need to find myself again without you.
I am again at a cross-roads with my life. My contract ends in march, and as I have mentioned before, it has been pre-determined that I am not pretty enough to be a teacher and therefore said contract will not be renewed.
So I have a number of choices:
- Stay in Thailand
a. Stay in Bangshit and do my best to find a decent job at a decent place and remain here a while longer... (most convenient, but I'll have to put up with the sub-human Thais).
b. Go to Isaan, an area of Thailand where the majority are actually Laotian (and therefore slightly less vulgar than the Thais). Negatives include having much less access to Gems and cheap medication. Positives include being close to both Cambodia and Laos.
- Go back to Canada
There is a big risk of me becoming suicidal again if I go to Canada. That place is just infested with the worst memories and emotions for me. There is the option of trying to get a weighter job in Toronto (something I always dreamt of, but was never able to do for some reason... yeah, I've always dreamt about being a weighter, but no place ever considered hiring me!!). There is also the possibility of doing the same in Montreal, something I've always wanted to do...
Positives include Canada being another gem country and therefore having the chance to do gemmological work there...
- Find another Country
Said country would require three things:
a. People who are a bit more civilized than the Thai.
b. Gemstones.
c. Pay at least as much as Thailand does, so around $1k/month
One possibility that came to mind was Colombia, but my parents won't have it. From what I hear, Columbia has calmed down a LOT recently and many people are having a great time teaching English there. Failing that, perhaps Brazil would be fine. The problem with Brazil is that its language is Portuguese, and my whole point of going to South America is to learn Spanish!!
Other countries are too difficult and/or too low-paying. Why do I worry so much for the pay? I don't want a black-hole situation to happen, where I'm stuck in the country because I can never save up enough to get out...
Ugh, this is all too fast. I have not yet settled in here.
So I have a number of choices:
- Stay in Thailand
a. Stay in Bangshit and do my best to find a decent job at a decent place and remain here a while longer... (most convenient, but I'll have to put up with the sub-human Thais).
b. Go to Isaan, an area of Thailand where the majority are actually Laotian (and therefore slightly less vulgar than the Thais). Negatives include having much less access to Gems and cheap medication. Positives include being close to both Cambodia and Laos.
- Go back to Canada
There is a big risk of me becoming suicidal again if I go to Canada. That place is just infested with the worst memories and emotions for me. There is the option of trying to get a weighter job in Toronto (something I always dreamt of, but was never able to do for some reason... yeah, I've always dreamt about being a weighter, but no place ever considered hiring me!!). There is also the possibility of doing the same in Montreal, something I've always wanted to do...
Positives include Canada being another gem country and therefore having the chance to do gemmological work there...
- Find another Country
Said country would require three things:
a. People who are a bit more civilized than the Thai.
b. Gemstones.
c. Pay at least as much as Thailand does, so around $1k/month
One possibility that came to mind was Colombia, but my parents won't have it. From what I hear, Columbia has calmed down a LOT recently and many people are having a great time teaching English there. Failing that, perhaps Brazil would be fine. The problem with Brazil is that its language is Portuguese, and my whole point of going to South America is to learn Spanish!!
Other countries are too difficult and/or too low-paying. Why do I worry so much for the pay? I don't want a black-hole situation to happen, where I'm stuck in the country because I can never save up enough to get out...
Ugh, this is all too fast. I have not yet settled in here
.
Today is Sunday, Feburary 1st, 2009 and it is now 12: 48 AM here in the Philippines.
Yet another continuation, don't you just love character counts!?
The man usually called the "Founder" of the MNLF, although he did NOT found it (I talked about it in an earlier entry) former Professor Nir Misuari is on Mindanao, in Davao trying to arrange furether benefits for his former fighters who deactivated during the 90s, under the first major Amnesty Programme on the island.
Most of the men have remained armed, and some belong to newer groups like the MILF or ASG, while others only engage in banditry or in the many smaller guerilla bands like Pentagon (sic), Abu Sofia, ad so on.
Apparently, the forms for "re-integration" are supposed to be personally dsitributed by AFP (army) officers at their discretion and one can easily imagine the graft that this would entail in any nation. when you are talking about the nation consistently listed in official tables as the "most corrupt nation in SE Asia" than it is becomes an actual clusterfuck of greed and chaos. Ergo, men "de-activated" in 96 are in 2009 clamoruring for these "applications."
Misuari has been publicly asking how can there be non-Muslims (en masse) beging given Amnesty for having supposedly fighting in a Muslim Separatist army? He has a point.
Meanwhile, the MILF is seatedily making progress in the more southerly parts of west Mindanao, while in the north it remains as bloody as it ever has with ALL groups fighting one another.
I spent many years fighting in southern Lebanon and Beka'a and at its worst there 70 OFFICIALY listed groups at war. This does not come close to THAT cahotic theater but itcertainly is close enough. Most of the other features are here for sure: IEDs, catastrophic Collateral Damage incurred, allies by day- enemies by night and so on.
On Sunday, a week ago on 1/25 there wasa heavy engagement between the AFP's 38th IB and alied paramilitaries (CAFGU, ILG and Ilaga) are duking it out against the MILF in Barangay Pamadtingan in Esperanza village which is in Sultan Kudarat Province.
Esperanza is a Biaya village with a very well armed Ilaga faction. Ilaga is the Bisaya word for "Rats" and denotes several loosely allied Biasaya and to a smaller degree Illongo paramilitaries. Often used interchangably with the phrse "TadTad" or "ChopChop" which is not neccessarily the same thing.
Ilaga grew out of a parallel movement within mostly Illongo villages, called "Illongo Land Grabbers" in English, known as such for their propesity to settle on land claimed by Muslims.
I have gotten into the history in a few other entires but will say fro breivty's sake that the Muslims here only settled within the same century as the Spanish , and while most Bisaya and Illongo have less than 150 years on the land the Muslims are not any more "indgenous" than either Bisaya OR Illongo.
Muslims claimed much of south and west Mindanao, but only along very coastal regions, and up certain rivers for a few kilometers. Esperanza is one village that lies in that coastal settlement path and so it fell under a "Muslim Sultanate," or Kingdom. there were 2 main Sultanates on Mindanao, "Maguidanao" which took up just about all of Maguidanao Province along with most of Caotabato N. and S. Provinces.
The second was the "Sulu Sultanate" which of course was centered far south in the Sulu islands which ar due south of us, but also in Sabah on Borneo which led to an International Incident and even almost official war between the Philippines and Malaysia.
So, although the Spanish claimed Mindanao, and some of the more southerly islands, they really only ever settled Zamboanga City and Butuan (Butuan is a city about 90 klicks north of me) and even then only in a very limited way. Mindanao in name belonged to the Spanish, but in reality it was inhabited and ruled by Muslims a century before and so began the situation we have now.
Esperanza was unihabited, but was somewhat arable (conducive to farming) and when the Bisaya population explosion took place in the late 1960s the govt. offered freepassage and grants to homestead on this island. Bisaya Datus (chiefs) led enitre communities from the most impovershed parts of the Visayan islands (Bisaya and Visaya are interchangable and I use the English name for the Visayan Islands).
At the same time, those regularly reading my entries will remember that the late 60s saw the crystallisation of the MODERN Islamic Insurgency. In the first years of the 70s the world saw the Illongo LGs and Ilaga take form. In the mid 90s they mostly disbanded although of course, as with most families here, the men retained their weapons and attitudes. When the Philippine Supreme Court overturned the "Ancestral Domain" agreement the MILF's 3 largest factions went on a rampage that is apparently blessed by the larger leadership. That is the current heart of the Islamic War right now.
On 1/21 in Barangay Malisbong in Palembang village in Sultan Kudarat Prvince 100 AFP soldiers from the 2nd Infantry (IB is "Infantry Brigade") fought against a larger force of MILF when they stumbled upon a 20 bunker encampment while on Patrol.
Fighting contued into the 22nd (next day) and then spread to Branagays Maguialis, Lumitan and Butri. No word on the number of deaths but said to be many, including, as always, civlians.
On 1/27 the 2nd IB set up a FOB (Forward Operating Base, a small base with which to maintain a "Front" or concerted armed presence) in Barnagay Butri in Palembang due to the various small skirmishes that took place between the end of the huge engagement on the 22nd and the
27th.
A second much smaller FOB was also then set up in Barangay Mibuk which is more outlying, and will be manned by only 1 platoon from the 2nd IB and mostly by Ilaga Paramilitary soldiers.
On 1/26th the AFP' was ambushed by the MILF in Barangay Ngingiri in Calanogas village killing 7 soldiers and an no MILF.
On that same day, the 26th, the AFP's 55th IB was riding in paramilitary truck when a single well placed sniper shot caused the truck to tumble into a deep ravine killing 7 soldiers, who were based at a FOB in Lumbayangue in Lanao del Sur Province. they had been heading to their C and C ( Command and Control Center AKA HQ) at Pualas village in that same province. It happened on the main road outside of Lumbayangue at 930 AM.
Also on the 26th, a second Refugee Camp came under fire. This one was in Barangay Libutan in Mamasapano in Maguindanao and again it was 105 MM shelling! Hmmmm....
It had been preceeded by 2 days of fighting in Barangays Tapikan 1 and 2 in Shariff Aguak also in Maguindanao which had then spread to the villages of Datu Unsay and Datu Saudi Ampuatan.
On the 27th, in Barangay Dado in Alamdao village, a Bisaya and illongo village in Cotabato the AFP and Ilaga fough the MILF all day, beginning before day break.
This past Thursday, 1/29 in Barangays Pagatin and Pusao in Mamasapano village in Maguindanao Province the AFP (army) fired 10 rounds of 105 MM shells into a Refugee Camp just as the 20,000 Refugees within were chowing down on their breakfast rice and putrid water, goes great with cholera! YET ANOTHER REFGUEE CAMP!!! It is the 8th that i know of in 2 months...
While the MILF DOES have Howitzers its placement of them is VERY limited and NONE are in that part of Maguindanao.
And that is my world!
Yet another continuation, don't you just love character counts!?
The man usually called the "Founder" of the MNLF, although he did NOT found it (I talked about it in an earlier entry) former Professor Nir Misuari is on Mindanao, in Davao trying to arrange furether benefits for his former fighters who deactivated during the 90s, under the first major Amnesty Programme on the island.
Most of the men have remained armed, and some belong to newer groups like the MILF or ASG, while others only engage in banditry or in the many smaller guerilla bands like Pentagon (sic), Abu Sofia, ad so on.
Apparently, the forms for "re-integration" are supposed to be personally dsitributed by AFP (army) officers at their discretion and one can easily imagine the graft that this would entail in any nation. when you are talking about the nation consistently listed in official tables as the "most corrupt nation in SE Asia" than it is becomes an actual clusterfuck of greed and chaos. Ergo, men "de-activated" in 96 are in 2009 clamoruring for these "applications."
Misuari has been publicly asking how can there be non-Muslims (en masse) beging given Amnesty for having supposedly fighting in a Muslim Separatist army? He has a point.
Meanwhile, the MILF is seatedily making progress in the more southerly parts of west Mindanao, while in the north it remains as bloody as it ever has with ALL groups fighting one another.
I spent many years fighting in southern Lebanon and Beka'a and at its worst there 70 OFFICIALY listed groups at war. This does not come close to THAT cahotic theater but itcertainly is close enough. Most of the other features are here for sure: IEDs, catastrophic Collateral Damage incurred, allies by day- enemies by night and so on.
On Sunday, a week ago on 1/25 there wasa heavy engagement between the AFP's 38th IB and alied paramilitaries (CAFGU, ILG and Ilaga) are duking it out against the MILF in Barangay Pamadtingan in Esperanza village which is in Sultan Kudarat Province.
Esperanza is a Biaya village with a very well armed Ilaga faction. Ilaga is the Bisaya word for "Rats" and denotes several loosely allied Biasaya and to a smaller degree Illongo paramilitaries. Often used interchangably with the phrse "TadTad" or "ChopChop" which is not neccessarily the same thing.
Ilaga grew out of a parallel movement within mostly Illongo villages, called "Illongo Land Grabbers" in English, known as such for their propesity to settle on land claimed by Muslims.
I have gotten into the history in a few other entires but will say fro breivty's sake that the Muslims here only settled within the same century as the Spanish , and while most Bisaya and Illongo have less than 150 years on the land the Muslims are not any more "indgenous" than either Bisaya OR Illongo.
Muslims claimed much of south and west Mindanao, but only along very coastal regions, and up certain rivers for a few kilometers. Esperanza is one village that lies in that coastal settlement path and so it fell under a "Muslim Sultanate," or Kingdom. there were 2 main Sultanates on Mindanao, "Maguidanao" which took up just about all of Maguidanao Province along with most of Caotabato N. and S. Provinces.
The second was the "Sulu Sultanate" which of course was centered far south in the Sulu islands which ar due south of us, but also in Sabah on Borneo which led to an International Incident and even almost official war between the Philippines and Malaysia.
So, although the Spanish claimed Mindanao, and some of the more southerly islands, they really only ever settled Zamboanga City and Butuan (Butuan is a city about 90 klicks north of me) and even then only in a very limited way. Mindanao in name belonged to the Spanish, but in reality it was inhabited and ruled by Muslims a century before and so began the situation we have now.
Esperanza was unihabited, but was somewhat arable (conducive to farming) and when the Bisaya population explosion took place in the late 1960s the govt. offered freepassage and grants to homestead on this island. Bisaya Datus (chiefs) led enitre communities from the most impovershed parts of the Visayan islands (Bisaya and Visaya are interchangable and I use the English name for the Visayan Islands).
At the same time, those regularly reading my entries will remember that the late 60s saw the crystallisation of the MODERN Islamic Insurgency. In the first years of the 70s the world saw the Illongo LGs and Ilaga take form. In the mid 90s they mostly disbanded although of course, as with most families here, the men retained their weapons and attitudes. When the Philippine Supreme Court overturned the "Ancestral Domain" agreement the MILF's 3 largest factions went on a rampage that is apparently blessed by the larger leadership. That is the current heart of the Islamic War right now.
On 1/21 in Barangay Malisbong in Palembang village in Sultan Kudarat Prvince 100 AFP soldiers from the 2nd Infantry (IB is "Infantry Brigade") fought against a larger force of MILF when they stumbled upon a 20 bunker encampment while on Patrol.
Fighting contued into the 22nd (next day) and then spread to Branagays Maguialis, Lumitan and Butri. No word on the number of deaths but said to be many, including, as always, civlians.
On 1/27 the 2nd IB set up a FOB (Forward Operating Base, a small base with which to maintain a "Front" or concerted armed presence) in Barnagay Butri in Palembang due to the various small skirmishes that took place between the end of the huge engagement on the 22nd and the
27th.
A second much smaller FOB was also then set up in Barangay Mibuk which is more outlying, and will be manned by only 1 platoon from the 2nd IB and mostly by Ilaga Paramilitary soldiers.
On 1/26th the AFP' was ambushed by the MILF in Barangay Ngingiri in Calanogas village killing 7 soldiers and an no MILF.
On that same day, the 26th, the AFP's 55th IB was riding in paramilitary truck when a single well placed sniper shot caused the truck to tumble into a deep ravine killing 7 soldiers, who were based at a FOB in Lumbayangue in Lanao del Sur Province. they had been heading to their C and C ( Command and Control Center AKA HQ) at Pualas village in that same province. It happened on the main road outside of Lumbayangue at 930 AM.
Also on the 26th, a second Refugee Camp came under fire. This one was in Barangay Libutan in Mamasapano in Maguindanao and again it was 105 MM shelling! Hmmmm....
It had been preceeded by 2 days of fighting in Barangays Tapikan 1 and 2 in Shariff Aguak also in Maguindanao which had then spread to the villages of Datu Unsay and Datu Saudi Ampuatan.
On the 27th, in Barangay Dado in Alamdao village, a Bisaya and illongo village in Cotabato the AFP and Ilaga fough the MILF all day, beginning before day break.
This past Thursday, 1/29 in Barangays Pagatin and Pusao in Mamasapano village in Maguindanao Province the AFP (army) fired 10 rounds of 105 MM shells into a Refugee Camp just as the 20,000 Refugees within were chowing down on their breakfast rice and putrid water, goes great with cholera! YET ANOTHER REFGUEE CAMP!!! It is the 8th that i know of in 2 months...
While the MILF DOES have Howitzers its placement of them is VERY limited and NONE are in that part of Maguindanao.
And that is my world!
And inside there are shelves from the floor to the ceiling and drawers built into the walls, everything covered with a thick layer of comfortably settled dust and the man wearing the heavy black boots that clomp ca clomp as he makes his way slowly across the aged and uneven hardwood floor, heading towards the entry way of what might be a kitchen or a pantry, examining anything carefully that catches his eye, the one in charge of all of this he yells "Halsted!" and then "Wait outside!" and when Halsted turns, startled by the loudness and abruptness of his voice, rather clumsily to head back out the front door he knocks a lantern from it's place on a low standing table near where he was standing and sends it clanking to the floor. The man in charge, the one with the boots, takes a beautiful silver Smith and Wesson Model 59 from the back of his pants and racks the first round into the chamber, clomps over to Halsted and looks him in the eye, reminds him, jabbing the barrel of the gun into the bottom of his chin "And please don't disturb anything."
Written in what looks like it may be charcoal on a brick inside the uncovered fireplace is the word RUNTA and when the man in charge announces to us, turning on his heel and slithering towards the next room, that we are to bring anything that appears unusual to his attention I don't bother mentioning this or how I knew to even look for it there.
Written in what looks like it may be charcoal on a brick inside the uncovered fireplace is the word RUNTA and when the man in charge announces to us, turning on his heel and slithering towards the next room, that we are to bring anything that appears unusual to his attention I don't bother mentioning this or how I knew to even look for it there.
Today is Saturday Janurary 31st, 2009 and it is now 11:05 PM here in the Philippines.
Continuation from the last entry...
To the south and the west of me the Muslim Insurrections are still going strong.
With ASG, Abu Sayyaf the biggest event would probablly be the kidnapping of 3 ICRC (red Cross) workers on Sulu on 1/15. 1 was a female from Davao here on Mindanao but the other 2 are european men, an Italian and a Swiss and nothing gets the media going like a Westerner in peril anywhere in the world but especially here. There are more than 100 Filipino civlians known to be kidnapped by guerillas right now, and that number is probally more like 500 plus but let 2 Europeans get taken and all hell breaks loose.
More than Europeans, Americans seem to have higher news value, as we saw with the infamous Burnham Kidnapping, when 2 US Christian missionaries were taken from an upscale resort on the island of Palawan and spirited into the hinterlands of Basilan island, which is governmentally attached to us here on Mindanao.
The husband ended up killed but not by Abu Sayyaf, by the AFP (army) when they tried to "rescuse" him and his wife. a 3rd dual Peruvian/American, Gilberto Sobrero was executed by the ASG about a week after they were taken.
Sobrero was here to spend an idyllic vacation with his Filipina chatmate cum girlfriend (and I DO mean "cum" hahahaha), no matter that his poor Peruvian wife and kids were home in California. Poor Sobrero was on methadone, and when ASG grabbed the vacationers (many others taken as well but I believe the others were Filipinos so they did not matter to the fucking media) it was the middle of the night, they had no chance to take anything at all. A week later, Sobrero was babbling about needing medication (of course!) and they lopped off his head (Allah u Akbar!).
According to Burnham's wife who wrote a book about the ordeal (I actually have a copy since the army handed them out to many soldiers here, and most do not speak let alone read english it made its way to me in short shrift), they heard a knock on their cabin which was a bungalow on stilts, over the ocean conencted by boardwalk to other such bungalows, they thought it was just the drunk security guard bothering them for a bribe again. Lo and behold, it was the ASG. they took the clothes on their back and were gone for about a year.
It is interesting for many reasons but mostly to me because of the Burnhams being old hands here, like myself. they were not johnny-come-latelies who disregarded local mores. they and their children spoke several languages and dialects, lived like locals, and other than missionaries only socialised with locals. It did not matter.
She says that the kidnappers DID offer a modicum of respect to them , in her mind because they thought her to be religious but in reality I am sure it was due to their being such high value prizes in terms of ransoms. indeed, after a long time the US did, and this seems to be a fact, pay 300,000 US under the table for their release, only the cash never made it to Basilan, having been entrusted to another ASG factional leader on Jolo. Other than 200 US for each fighter (perhaps a bit more for their factional leader) no money made it to Basilan.
The US is big on "Never pay ransom!" but in reality they are pragmatists. Sadly they have little understanding of the world outside their own borders. Look at the recent Saudi debacle with Somali pirates. The pirates took a 20 foot motorised skiff into the shipping lanes and using just AKs got a freighter full of Saudi petrol to stop!!! Granted, a nice explosion might have ensued but I would like to think that Saudi tankers, among others, could withstand a punch from an AK, after all we are not talking RPGs or mortars.
Boarding the boat there was a very long (weeks) impasse after whicht he Saudis coptered in 3 million US!
In a stroke of fate, as the happy as shit pirates were heading back to shore a squall blew up (Monsoon season after all) and over turned their tiny boat. Whether they could swim or not, all drowned. One man DID wash up on shore last week with 155,000 US strapped to his waist, found by family members who are very happy never the less, I am quite sure.
The point though is that WHEN you pay, you can expect that the acts willincrease, NOT decrease! With ASG, they of course have.
The ICRC workers were in Patikul, the main village in sulu, and there to inspect the govt. prison to ensure better conditions for ASG! You would expect the guerillas to have a modicum of consideration but of course they only care about one thing. fuck redevelopment, fuck better lives for their children, they wanna' get paid man!
This week, a famous Filipino movie star Robin Padilla offered to act as a go-between to work out the ransom (no thought on release without ransom of course, thanks Uncle Sam!). Padilla is one of many Filipinos who converted to islam, a phenomenon I described in detail in an earlier entry in my Blog here. His conversion, or "reversion" as it is considered as such by these converts happened in prison in the mid 90s as he served a couple of years ofr a weapons offence.
His pre-incarceration bodyguards were ASG guerillas actually, one of which the famed "Kummander Kosovo" was killed while making a daring prison escape with other ASG members sometime after. So perhaps Padilla's conversion was a mere formality. In any event, the former action star (think a cheesy Charles Bronson) offered his "services."
This really drew my curiosity when the MILF, often a tactical ally of the ASG, warned Padilla to never do this again and to essentially mind his business! they gave a nice press release about how the ASG WAs a real islamist group but is now only motivated by money and materiel gain.
In Zamobanga and Basilan (and perhaps closer to my province than anyone thought) the ASG and MILF are often indistringuishable from one another since they operate jointly more often than not. This COULD signal a shift in MILF polciy but one will have to wait and see.
Then, on Basilan on 1/29, the mayor of al Barka village was killed by the ASG in an attack that also killed 2 of his bodyguards as they traveled in a convoy between Lamitan City and al Barka. The ambush took place in Cabangalan village and involved RPG and AK.
On 1/23, 3 teachers were travelling by boat from Sacol Island off of Zamboanga , to Zamboanga when they were kidnapped by the Basialn faction of the ASG who were in another boat. The ransom is supposed to be 6 million pesos per teacher but the families are trying to bragain since they are all very poor.
That is the second kidnapping by that group, by boat. the other kidnapping victim is a bakery franchisee who also owns a small fishing fleet. He is still in cpativity as well but has been sighted deep in the bush of Basilan, around the village of Hadji Mohammad (sic) Ajul, an ASG stronghold.
There have been small firefights on Jolo involving US Forces but i have to add ALLEGEDLY since the US is "forbidden" by Philippine Law to engage in armed conflict on this country's soil. Sulu remains firmly in ASG hands, although there are also MNLF (not MILF mind you) guerillas operating as well, and on Jolo i have to add that the 2 MILF commands are still in the bush.
I will get to MILF activities and Clan Wars in my next entry. All for now...
Continuation from the last entry...
To the south and the west of me the Muslim Insurrections are still going strong.
With ASG, Abu Sayyaf the biggest event would probablly be the kidnapping of 3 ICRC (red Cross) workers on Sulu on 1/15. 1 was a female from Davao here on Mindanao but the other 2 are european men, an Italian and a Swiss and nothing gets the media going like a Westerner in peril anywhere in the world but especially here. There are more than 100 Filipino civlians known to be kidnapped by guerillas right now, and that number is probally more like 500 plus but let 2 Europeans get taken and all hell breaks loose.
More than Europeans, Americans seem to have higher news value, as we saw with the infamous Burnham Kidnapping, when 2 US Christian missionaries were taken from an upscale resort on the island of Palawan and spirited into the hinterlands of Basilan island, which is governmentally attached to us here on Mindanao.
The husband ended up killed but not by Abu Sayyaf, by the AFP (army) when they tried to "rescuse" him and his wife. a 3rd dual Peruvian/American, Gilberto Sobrero was executed by the ASG about a week after they were taken.
Sobrero was here to spend an idyllic vacation with his Filipina chatmate cum girlfriend (and I DO mean "cum" hahahaha), no matter that his poor Peruvian wife and kids were home in California. Poor Sobrero was on methadone, and when ASG grabbed the vacationers (many others taken as well but I believe the others were Filipinos so they did not matter to the fucking media) it was the middle of the night, they had no chance to take anything at all. A week later, Sobrero was babbling about needing medication (of course!) and they lopped off his head (Allah u Akbar!).
According to Burnham's wife who wrote a book about the ordeal (I actually have a copy since the army handed them out to many soldiers here, and most do not speak let alone read english it made its way to me in short shrift), they heard a knock on their cabin which was a bungalow on stilts, over the ocean conencted by boardwalk to other such bungalows, they thought it was just the drunk security guard bothering them for a bribe again. Lo and behold, it was the ASG. they took the clothes on their back and were gone for about a year.
It is interesting for many reasons but mostly to me because of the Burnhams being old hands here, like myself. they were not johnny-come-latelies who disregarded local mores. they and their children spoke several languages and dialects, lived like locals, and other than missionaries only socialised with locals. It did not matter.
She says that the kidnappers DID offer a modicum of respect to them , in her mind because they thought her to be religious but in reality I am sure it was due to their being such high value prizes in terms of ransoms. indeed, after a long time the US did, and this seems to be a fact, pay 300,000 US under the table for their release, only the cash never made it to Basilan, having been entrusted to another ASG factional leader on Jolo. Other than 200 US for each fighter (perhaps a bit more for their factional leader) no money made it to Basilan.
The US is big on "Never pay ransom!" but in reality they are pragmatists. Sadly they have little understanding of the world outside their own borders. Look at the recent Saudi debacle with Somali pirates. The pirates took a 20 foot motorised skiff into the shipping lanes and using just AKs got a freighter full of Saudi petrol to stop!!! Granted, a nice explosion might have ensued but I would like to think that Saudi tankers, among others, could withstand a punch from an AK, after all we are not talking RPGs or mortars.
Boarding the boat there was a very long (weeks) impasse after whicht he Saudis coptered in 3 million US!
In a stroke of fate, as the happy as shit pirates were heading back to shore a squall blew up (Monsoon season after all) and over turned their tiny boat. Whether they could swim or not, all drowned. One man DID wash up on shore last week with 155,000 US strapped to his waist, found by family members who are very happy never the less, I am quite sure.
The point though is that WHEN you pay, you can expect that the acts willincrease, NOT decrease! With ASG, they of course have.
The ICRC workers were in Patikul, the main village in sulu, and there to inspect the govt. prison to ensure better conditions for ASG! You would expect the guerillas to have a modicum of consideration but of course they only care about one thing. fuck redevelopment, fuck better lives for their children, they wanna' get paid man!
This week, a famous Filipino movie star Robin Padilla offered to act as a go-between to work out the ransom (no thought on release without ransom of course, thanks Uncle Sam!). Padilla is one of many Filipinos who converted to islam, a phenomenon I described in detail in an earlier entry in my Blog here. His conversion, or "reversion" as it is considered as such by these converts happened in prison in the mid 90s as he served a couple of years ofr a weapons offence.
His pre-incarceration bodyguards were ASG guerillas actually, one of which the famed "Kummander Kosovo" was killed while making a daring prison escape with other ASG members sometime after. So perhaps Padilla's conversion was a mere formality. In any event, the former action star (think a cheesy Charles Bronson) offered his "services."
This really drew my curiosity when the MILF, often a tactical ally of the ASG, warned Padilla to never do this again and to essentially mind his business! they gave a nice press release about how the ASG WAs a real islamist group but is now only motivated by money and materiel gain.
In Zamobanga and Basilan (and perhaps closer to my province than anyone thought) the ASG and MILF are often indistringuishable from one another since they operate jointly more often than not. This COULD signal a shift in MILF polciy but one will have to wait and see.
Then, on Basilan on 1/29, the mayor of al Barka village was killed by the ASG in an attack that also killed 2 of his bodyguards as they traveled in a convoy between Lamitan City and al Barka. The ambush took place in Cabangalan village and involved RPG and AK.
On 1/23, 3 teachers were travelling by boat from Sacol Island off of Zamboanga , to Zamboanga when they were kidnapped by the Basialn faction of the ASG who were in another boat. The ransom is supposed to be 6 million pesos per teacher but the families are trying to bragain since they are all very poor.
That is the second kidnapping by that group, by boat. the other kidnapping victim is a bakery franchisee who also owns a small fishing fleet. He is still in cpativity as well but has been sighted deep in the bush of Basilan, around the village of Hadji Mohammad (sic) Ajul, an ASG stronghold.
There have been small firefights on Jolo involving US Forces but i have to add ALLEGEDLY since the US is "forbidden" by Philippine Law to engage in armed conflict on this country's soil. Sulu remains firmly in ASG hands, although there are also MNLF (not MILF mind you) guerillas operating as well, and on Jolo i have to add that the 2 MILF commands are still in the bush.
I will get to MILF activities and Clan Wars in my next entry. All for now...
It feels like I'm at 16 years of age again. I had a crack addiction for 11 years that ended last summer. And I've got money again. My apt has moen bathroom fixtures and its full of gear. A protools mbox mini 2, self designed speaker boxes, audiophile grade amplifier, pre-amp, equalizer, bass shakers attatched to the seat and back of a computer chair that I reupholstered; the chair wobbles your eyes in their sockets. I have the entire line of Scientology books. A stray cat, a cell phone, internet service, solid computer, headphones with custom pocket amplifier, I even have a snow removal hustle in my neighborhood.
I was given a free pass to the YMCA and I've been going and coming home sore. I had my psyche change me to seroquol 200mg today alongside my ativan 2mg daily. I'm losing weight too. I had health problems coming off a 4 year Dexadrine/Klonopin iv'ing addiction. My weight went down to 155 and then it went up to 235 and now its at 210. I'm going to lose 40 lbs cause' I have a wardrobe that Im excited about wearing.
I like gettiin high on drugs my probation officer cant detect and loungin' round' naked.
I was given a free pass to the YMCA and I've been going and coming home sore. I had my psyche change me to seroquol 200mg today alongside my ativan 2mg daily. I'm losing weight too. I had health problems coming off a 4 year Dexadrine/Klonopin iv'ing addiction. My weight went down to 155 and then it went up to 235 and now its at 210. I'm going to lose 40 lbs cause' I have a wardrobe that Im excited about wearing.
I like gettiin high on drugs my probation officer cant detect and loungin' round' naked.
He has nothing of value to say and is certain his imagination was misplaced in the move.
I do not know if people see the devastation in my face or if it is good karma. Today I had a old friend agree to take me to a place that helps give your family a good christmas if you need it (which although it kills me to admit, this year I am broke after bills and the girl's cost and up keep.) Then right after that, my neighbour knocked on my door. When I got to the door he was holding a 25 pound turkey. I mean, it was a brand name Honeysuckle white turkey. I just looked at him kinda weird. Then he said, "I get one of these every year from work. I just thought you would want it." I was so dumb founded. I told him thank you and took it, and he was so happy about doing it, that it gave me a warm feeling in my heart. So it made me feel good, not to mention I could really use that turkey for the girls and I. Then it was like thirty minutes later and my other neighbour brought me twenty dollars, and said, God told her to do it, and as I tell you this, my eyes are filled with tears. I also want to tell you all that I am very private irl so there was no way that either of the last two knew I am struggling. The only one that knew was the friend thats helping me with christmas for the girls, and she doesn't even know my neighbour's. These were such answers to prayers of mine.
I am just beside myself. I see such different kinds of people. Some that hurt you, some that help you, some that wound you. No matter what though, I see such good that it out weighs the bad. So although it is so hard some days, the others are such blessings.
I am just beside myself. I see such different kinds of people. Some that hurt you, some that help you, some that wound you. No matter what though, I see such good that it out weighs the bad. So although it is so hard some days, the others are such blessings.
Today is now Saturday Janurary 31st, 2009 and it is now 12:58 AM here in the Philippines.
Continuing from the previous entry...
So the army began the over flights and bombing runs, and managed to force SOME units onto the westerly heading, through the Barangay at the end of Mangga (our road), on the western side of National Hiway.
Most however were smarter and had apparently coordinated their retreat. They were practically swimming through our paddies , but we do not engage unless engaged, trying best to stay as neutral as possible unless directly threatened.
Then the aircraft came back and I would say it was the first true victory for the amry in quite a while. At least 60 bodies have been brought into Poblasiyon/Poblacion, the center of our village. As for pro-Govt. forces, I only know of 18 dead and 11 are paras.
The army really can claim it as a tactical victory, although I really think it was terrible fot hem to dot his while they could have been much more beneficial to the community by effecting AID and rescue during the flooding.
In other NPA news, yesterday in Butuan they lobbed a grenade through the window of a government official who also has the dubious enemty of being a Double Enemy of the People for his work as an executive at Dole, the Western fruits company before entering public service. No reports on deaths yet.
In the village of Carmen which is right over the border of Agusan del Norte the 4th attack in as many months has taken place this week at an Iglesia ng Krsito (Church of Christ).
Iglesia should not be confused with the US based Church of Christ although like it, it IS a Prtestant sect. It is homegrown, and run by a single family, whose patriarch founded it in the first years of the 20th Century.
It has a rather positive distinction of having a very beautiful edifice, the same structure, in most every large non-Muslim town in the country. The buildings are very beautiful, real Americana in the middle of the SE Asian tropics.
The religion has attracted controversy for its very strict rules. Members are required to attend every Church function unless given written permission not to do so. If they fail to, they are fined huge amounts by local standards and there has also been issues of families ostracising close members for dropping out of the church or refusing to join in the first place.
Here, and in Cotabato Provinces (there is a Norte and Sur just as in Agusan) these churches have been targetted by NPA (communists) and in Cotabato by Muslims as well.
In Tampakan village the police station was raided by 50 NPA guerillas yesterday, 1/28, using rifle grenades. Noone seems to have been badly hurt although there were 3 police wounded in the attack which netted weapons, Laptops, and phones.
When Arroyo was taking off from Butuan Air Port there was a firefight right down the road between NPA and the 30th Infantry, but with a twist. the NPA were in black fatigues which is something altogether new. Some are trying to suggest that it might have been an attempt on the President but I do not infer much from it although it is a first.
On Monday, 1/23 the police station in Carmen (Agusan del N.) was raided fro the 2nd time, and the weaponry removed, etc, the 50 man NPA formation killed 1 policeman.
Yesterday, in Davao City, which is HIGHLY unusual (not since the very early 90s) the NPA set an unsuccessful ambush but did manage to detonate a claymore mine and wound 7 soldiers and 1 para in an 8 truck Govt. convoy of KM-450 trucks. VERY unusual given the role the Davao mayor has played in the recent release of two POWs held by the NPA (trading on the release of jailed NPA guerillas).
In Targum, which is in between us and Davao, 5 NPA from Front 53 surrendered in the Amnesty Programme, turning in a nice amount of weaponry.
Closer to us, in Com Val, the new province of Compostela Valley which sits in between us and Davao del Norte Province, the army has redeployed the 503rd Infantry to Arba, and the 41st Infantry to the nearby village of Ba'ay Licuan.
The army has also raided two NPA safehouses, one in Maco village earlier this week and then yesterday a house in Barangay N'gan in Compostela village.
Another thing that made me sit up and take notice was the last issue of the NDF's newspaper, online as well as in handbills. the NDF as I explained is the National Democratic Front ans is the umbrella for both the NPa (New Peoples' Army) as well as the CPP (Communist Party of the Philippines). the paper, "ang Bayan" has a first page editorial calling the Israeli Operation in Gaza a US conspired operation to murder indigenous Peoples and so on.
As a dual Israeli/US I am more in tune to such threats than a person otherwise might be. I am now officially the only Israeli on the island, and probablly the only Jew with Rizza off on Cebu...speaking of which, our females and children are going to be returning, G-D willing or as we say in Bisaya "Buyag" (not the same meaning but the same intent) after the weekend. Right now we want to make sure most of the armed threat has dissipated as well as giving the Provinces a bit of time to dry out and get the AID trucks off the few passable roads we have (all of one major road plus Mangga, ours).
The Operation was noticed by the NDF, et al as well as major Islamic groups here but this si the most vehement piece to date and the only one linking it to US actions. The NPA makes no secret that while it has not targetted even American soldiers in a couple of years it still holds them to be viable targets. I am not in ANY official capacity here, certainly would never be in any american capacity ANYWHERE but because I am so light skinned (I am blue eyed after all) I am mistaken for American in many places.
Here all white people are considered to be American until proven otherwise (hahaha), and they are all called, males anyway, "Kano" for "American." that or the ubiqitous "Joe,"something I must have mentioned in another entry I am sure.
"Joe" is for "GI Joe" since the WWII mystique is alive and well in this once bastion of pro-Americans goodwill...at least until it got sucked dry under the US crony Marcos who beld the country and its people dry.
I soemtimes give the family a good laugh by screaming "Hi Joe!" whenever we pass rubberneckers. A white person here attarcts mad attention.
In my old Journal I had talked about how girls here LOVe white men. 2 Filipina BLers, D'tergent and MariaCallas took me to task saying they did not think so at all but then they are cosmopolitan, upper class women from Manila. When you are in the "Provinces," as anyplace outside of Cebu City or Manila is called, you will be innundated with stares until it drives you mad. You will also be told "Hi Joe" or more rarely "Go Home Joe!" by the locals.
The 2 BLers said that they think it has to do with the extreme poverty here and that it would be the same with any foreinger. I then replied, and probablly convinced both of them by reminding them that noone ehre studies "Arabic" or goes to Paki themed dating websites to meet THOSE freign men (internet dating is disgusting here, and everywhere but not in the sense that it is something digusting per se, just how it is handled here but that is another rant and nothing really to dow ith what I am discussing).
Ihe point though... We have an African man who lives down Mangga, over the Surigao line and we soemtimes see him walking past our compound. True, people look but only for a second and then go about their business and no women give a damn. A white man? Forget about it! I get women jumping off busses !!! I will be in the front of the compound, playing with my main dog Jumbo (the picture of him as a pup is in Gallery), letting him eat other dog's shit across the road, and a Bacehlor (busline) will be speeding pass and then slam on the airbrakes, and a gaggle of girls will get off and even approach me!!!
It has only happened twice in a year or so but that is enough of an indicator. I am no movie star and certainly noone worth twisting your nech to see let alone jumping off of speeding busses! Yet it happens. Is it any wonder that you have 80 year old Yanks and Europans coming ehre and marrying 18 year old girls? DIGUSTING but to each their own. I guess i should not talk since i will soon be 42 and have a 25 year old wife although that is not really a huge difference. Just seems that way to me because I have known her since she was a baby.
Will get to the rest of the guerilla violence this week in a following post...
Continuing from the previous entry...
So the army began the over flights and bombing runs, and managed to force SOME units onto the westerly heading, through the Barangay at the end of Mangga (our road), on the western side of National Hiway.
Most however were smarter and had apparently coordinated their retreat. They were practically swimming through our paddies , but we do not engage unless engaged, trying best to stay as neutral as possible unless directly threatened.
Then the aircraft came back and I would say it was the first true victory for the amry in quite a while. At least 60 bodies have been brought into Poblasiyon/Poblacion, the center of our village. As for pro-Govt. forces, I only know of 18 dead and 11 are paras.
The army really can claim it as a tactical victory, although I really think it was terrible fot hem to dot his while they could have been much more beneficial to the community by effecting AID and rescue during the flooding.
In other NPA news, yesterday in Butuan they lobbed a grenade through the window of a government official who also has the dubious enemty of being a Double Enemy of the People for his work as an executive at Dole, the Western fruits company before entering public service. No reports on deaths yet.
In the village of Carmen which is right over the border of Agusan del Norte the 4th attack in as many months has taken place this week at an Iglesia ng Krsito (Church of Christ).
Iglesia should not be confused with the US based Church of Christ although like it, it IS a Prtestant sect. It is homegrown, and run by a single family, whose patriarch founded it in the first years of the 20th Century.
It has a rather positive distinction of having a very beautiful edifice, the same structure, in most every large non-Muslim town in the country. The buildings are very beautiful, real Americana in the middle of the SE Asian tropics.
The religion has attracted controversy for its very strict rules. Members are required to attend every Church function unless given written permission not to do so. If they fail to, they are fined huge amounts by local standards and there has also been issues of families ostracising close members for dropping out of the church or refusing to join in the first place.
Here, and in Cotabato Provinces (there is a Norte and Sur just as in Agusan) these churches have been targetted by NPA (communists) and in Cotabato by Muslims as well.
In Tampakan village the police station was raided by 50 NPA guerillas yesterday, 1/28, using rifle grenades. Noone seems to have been badly hurt although there were 3 police wounded in the attack which netted weapons, Laptops, and phones.
When Arroyo was taking off from Butuan Air Port there was a firefight right down the road between NPA and the 30th Infantry, but with a twist. the NPA were in black fatigues which is something altogether new. Some are trying to suggest that it might have been an attempt on the President but I do not infer much from it although it is a first.
On Monday, 1/23 the police station in Carmen (Agusan del N.) was raided fro the 2nd time, and the weaponry removed, etc, the 50 man NPA formation killed 1 policeman.
Yesterday, in Davao City, which is HIGHLY unusual (not since the very early 90s) the NPA set an unsuccessful ambush but did manage to detonate a claymore mine and wound 7 soldiers and 1 para in an 8 truck Govt. convoy of KM-450 trucks. VERY unusual given the role the Davao mayor has played in the recent release of two POWs held by the NPA (trading on the release of jailed NPA guerillas).
In Targum, which is in between us and Davao, 5 NPA from Front 53 surrendered in the Amnesty Programme, turning in a nice amount of weaponry.
Closer to us, in Com Val, the new province of Compostela Valley which sits in between us and Davao del Norte Province, the army has redeployed the 503rd Infantry to Arba, and the 41st Infantry to the nearby village of Ba'ay Licuan.
The army has also raided two NPA safehouses, one in Maco village earlier this week and then yesterday a house in Barangay N'gan in Compostela village.
Another thing that made me sit up and take notice was the last issue of the NDF's newspaper, online as well as in handbills. the NDF as I explained is the National Democratic Front ans is the umbrella for both the NPa (New Peoples' Army) as well as the CPP (Communist Party of the Philippines). the paper, "ang Bayan" has a first page editorial calling the Israeli Operation in Gaza a US conspired operation to murder indigenous Peoples and so on.
As a dual Israeli/US I am more in tune to such threats than a person otherwise might be. I am now officially the only Israeli on the island, and probablly the only Jew with Rizza off on Cebu...speaking of which, our females and children are going to be returning, G-D willing or as we say in Bisaya "Buyag" (not the same meaning but the same intent) after the weekend. Right now we want to make sure most of the armed threat has dissipated as well as giving the Provinces a bit of time to dry out and get the AID trucks off the few passable roads we have (all of one major road plus Mangga, ours).
The Operation was noticed by the NDF, et al as well as major Islamic groups here but this si the most vehement piece to date and the only one linking it to US actions. The NPA makes no secret that while it has not targetted even American soldiers in a couple of years it still holds them to be viable targets. I am not in ANY official capacity here, certainly would never be in any american capacity ANYWHERE but because I am so light skinned (I am blue eyed after all) I am mistaken for American in many places.
Here all white people are considered to be American until proven otherwise (hahaha), and they are all called, males anyway, "Kano" for "American." that or the ubiqitous "Joe,"something I must have mentioned in another entry I am sure.
"Joe" is for "GI Joe" since the WWII mystique is alive and well in this once bastion of pro-Americans goodwill...at least until it got sucked dry under the US crony Marcos who beld the country and its people dry.
I soemtimes give the family a good laugh by screaming "Hi Joe!" whenever we pass rubberneckers. A white person here attarcts mad attention.
In my old Journal I had talked about how girls here LOVe white men. 2 Filipina BLers, D'tergent and MariaCallas took me to task saying they did not think so at all but then they are cosmopolitan, upper class women from Manila. When you are in the "Provinces," as anyplace outside of Cebu City or Manila is called, you will be innundated with stares until it drives you mad. You will also be told "Hi Joe" or more rarely "Go Home Joe!" by the locals.
The 2 BLers said that they think it has to do with the extreme poverty here and that it would be the same with any foreinger. I then replied, and probablly convinced both of them by reminding them that noone ehre studies "Arabic" or goes to Paki themed dating websites to meet THOSE freign men (internet dating is disgusting here, and everywhere but not in the sense that it is something digusting per se, just how it is handled here but that is another rant and nothing really to dow ith what I am discussing).
Ihe point though... We have an African man who lives down Mangga, over the Surigao line and we soemtimes see him walking past our compound. True, people look but only for a second and then go about their business and no women give a damn. A white man? Forget about it! I get women jumping off busses !!! I will be in the front of the compound, playing with my main dog Jumbo (the picture of him as a pup is in Gallery), letting him eat other dog's shit across the road, and a Bacehlor (busline) will be speeding pass and then slam on the airbrakes, and a gaggle of girls will get off and even approach me!!!
It has only happened twice in a year or so but that is enough of an indicator. I am no movie star and certainly noone worth twisting your nech to see let alone jumping off of speeding busses! Yet it happens. Is it any wonder that you have 80 year old Yanks and Europans coming ehre and marrying 18 year old girls? DIGUSTING but to each their own. I guess i should not talk since i will soon be 42 and have a 25 year old wife although that is not really a huge difference. Just seems that way to me because I have known her since she was a baby.
Will get to the rest of the guerilla violence this week in a following post...
Today is Friday Janurary 30th, 2009 and it si now 10:15 PM here in the Philippines.
Pretty much back to "normal" as much as normal exists in this part of the world, so I will link to a couple of the videos I talked about in the last entry.
Dead Confederate is a group from outside of Augusta, Georgia near the South Carolina border and wrote the following song as a protest piece about Christian Fundamentalists, Anti-abortionists and intolerance in general. the song is called "The Rat" and is fantastic, bluesy kind of rock but with a real Alternative feel if that makes sense:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cN055pYFGZs
The next song is probablly my favourtie right now, the British band Keane and the song is called "Spiralling," a great Alternative rock song:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-LZ7yH-JBM
I will get to the others prhaps in the next entry.
Have not had much time for books, though I do hope to reread the book I have read a couple of times, "E=MC2: The Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" by David Bodanis which does a great job of explaining in relatively easy terms the ideas and work that went into this earth shaking equation.
I have had the pleasure of hearing Bodaris speak 2 times, once on this particular book although I never thought to try and weasel a book signing out of him. What a great and modest man he is. Really enjoy his thought processes.
Well, we finally found out what is what .This past Wednesday, Janurary 28th, the President, Gloria M. Arroyo came to the region, and the army hoped to confuse the NPA into stepping right into a large scale offencive.
Arroyo supposedly came because of the terrible flooding which has turned our village and 6 others into official Disaster Zones (although it is nothing like in the West, here it is a only a minimum of AID. 600 sacks of rice were handed out by the Army here yesterday, 200 of which I personally donated my damn self so it is really sad but let me stop before I buy the bullet I just ducked).
I have talked at length, in my old BL Journal about the terrible deforestation here. I am a Botanist (Ethno) by degree so I am particularly sensitive to plants, but I would hope most rational folks would be considerate or at least cognisant of all flora and fauna.
On one hand you have a long, long history of colonialism, with the Spanish having literally half a millenia exploiting the 7,107 islands of this nation, and then you had immediately after them, the Yanks for a rough 50 years or so. The Americans especially began to denude the land of all the most crucial things, like timber. Practically no Virgin Forest exists on any of these islands and now even 1st and 2nd Growth is being taken away as well. The result? Landslides, flooding, and all those goodies.
The monsoon this year has been super heavy, raining heavy now in fact and the flooding has been horrendous. We are much better off than most here because I am educated enough to take precautions on our farm lands so that our rice and corn fields will be better for the flooding, but most here are bankrupt because of it.
2 villagers have officialy died in the flood, 2 of many on the island and that is so much worse than flooded rice paddies. I count my blessings in many ways.
So, the army pulled out of the region evacuating my province, Agusan del Sur and the one that begins a kilometer or so east of me, Surigao del Sur. They advanced deep into Agusan del Norte all the way to the northern coast at Butan and then west woards Nasapit, aout 10 kilometers up the Coastal Hiway.
They had hoped that the NPA would come out of the mountains in full, and to a very small degree they had limited success. The NPA did not come in open formations but they did come in under cover of night over the last 2 evenings (not tonight).
Then, as they were in the villages under cover of night last night, the AFP came back in full force.
CAFGU, the offical governmental paramilitary never pulled out, and had been fortified in key points like our municipal building on National Hiway, and key infrastructural points. In addition the Lademora (fuck it, what is a name, right?) paras were of course itching for a fight, and were well dug in and what is most suprising of all was the coordinated effort put forth, which is incredibly rare here.
Using gunships and bombers the army was able to cut off key points of retreat back into Surigao and on the other sides south into ComVal and again on the north into Prosperidad. They left the western routes alone so as to drive the projected retreat along that heading.
I will continue shortly...
Pretty much back to "normal" as much as normal exists in this part of the world, so I will link to a couple of the videos I talked about in the last entry.
Dead Confederate is a group from outside of Augusta, Georgia near the South Carolina border and wrote the following song as a protest piece about Christian Fundamentalists, Anti-abortionists and intolerance in general. the song is called "The Rat" and is fantastic, bluesy kind of rock but with a real Alternative feel if that makes sense:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=cN055pYFGZs
The next song is probablly my favourtie right now, the British band Keane and the song is called "Spiralling," a great Alternative rock song:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-LZ7yH-JBM
I will get to the others prhaps in the next entry.
Have not had much time for books, though I do hope to reread the book I have read a couple of times, "E=MC2: The Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" by David Bodanis which does a great job of explaining in relatively easy terms the ideas and work that went into this earth shaking equation.
I have had the pleasure of hearing Bodaris speak 2 times, once on this particular book although I never thought to try and weasel a book signing out of him. What a great and modest man he is. Really enjoy his thought processes.
Well, we finally found out what is what .This past Wednesday, Janurary 28th, the President, Gloria M. Arroyo came to the region, and the army hoped to confuse the NPA into stepping right into a large scale offencive.
Arroyo supposedly came because of the terrible flooding which has turned our village and 6 others into official Disaster Zones (although it is nothing like in the West, here it is a only a minimum of AID. 600 sacks of rice were handed out by the Army here yesterday, 200 of which I personally donated my damn self so it is really sad but let me stop before I buy the bullet I just ducked).
I have talked at length, in my old BL Journal about the terrible deforestation here. I am a Botanist (Ethno) by degree so I am particularly sensitive to plants, but I would hope most rational folks would be considerate or at least cognisant of all flora and fauna.
On one hand you have a long, long history of colonialism, with the Spanish having literally half a millenia exploiting the 7,107 islands of this nation, and then you had immediately after them, the Yanks for a rough 50 years or so. The Americans especially began to denude the land of all the most crucial things, like timber. Practically no Virgin Forest exists on any of these islands and now even 1st and 2nd Growth is being taken away as well. The result? Landslides, flooding, and all those goodies.
The monsoon this year has been super heavy, raining heavy now in fact and the flooding has been horrendous. We are much better off than most here because I am educated enough to take precautions on our farm lands so that our rice and corn fields will be better for the flooding, but most here are bankrupt because of it.
2 villagers have officialy died in the flood, 2 of many on the island and that is so much worse than flooded rice paddies. I count my blessings in many ways.
So, the army pulled out of the region evacuating my province, Agusan del Sur and the one that begins a kilometer or so east of me, Surigao del Sur. They advanced deep into Agusan del Norte all the way to the northern coast at Butan and then west woards Nasapit, aout 10 kilometers up the Coastal Hiway.
They had hoped that the NPA would come out of the mountains in full, and to a very small degree they had limited success. The NPA did not come in open formations but they did come in under cover of night over the last 2 evenings (not tonight).
Then, as they were in the villages under cover of night last night, the AFP came back in full force.
CAFGU, the offical governmental paramilitary never pulled out, and had been fortified in key points like our municipal building on National Hiway, and key infrastructural points. In addition the Lademora (fuck it, what is a name, right?) paras were of course itching for a fight, and were well dug in and what is most suprising of all was the coordinated effort put forth, which is incredibly rare here.
Using gunships and bombers the army was able to cut off key points of retreat back into Surigao and on the other sides south into ComVal and again on the north into Prosperidad. They left the western routes alone so as to drive the projected retreat along that heading.
I will continue shortly...
yeah in my lil town we don't have pay phones you have to drive over the bridge into the next town a bit. lol idk we have like 5,000 in that town, a few hundred in this one. Iowa for ya. It wasn't the issue though, its that I didn't have is number. BUT I found my phone in my mom's coat that I borrowed because mine was being washed. I just heard it vibrating as I walked by. Good deal.
I spent like idk 15 min write a blog and it ATE IT!
Anyway, not worried about Sean anymore. We will be just fine. I just get worked up when my brain is always on overdrive.
Anyway, not worried about Sean anymore. We will be just fine. I just get worked up when my brain is always on overdrive.
Early this month a Sudanese man was on a flight to the Red Sea port of Jeddah from Qurayyat in northern Saudi Arabia and apparently ignored the flight crew when they had asked him to simply ash out his cigarette. He was arrested right as soon as the flight landed and his punishment...thirty lashings from a whip! Wearing just a shirt he will be struck by a police officer holding a book under his arm (to prevent a lot of force from being used) with a whip similar to the one attached to this pos.:
The man tried to bargain his way out by saying he would go to rehab center for his smoking but no luck. The judge was set on making an example of the man, now this isn't the first time this has happened. Another man while smoking on a flight set off a smoke alarm and was sentenced to fifty lashes. Personally I thought these kind's of unusual and inhumane punishments were banned. Guess not.
Sources:
The man tried to bargain his way out by saying he would go to rehab center for his smoking but no luck. The judge was set on making an example of the man, now this isn't the first time this has happened. Another man while smoking on a flight set off a smoke alarm and was sentenced to fifty lashes. Personally I thought these kind's of unusual and inhumane punishments were banned. Guess not.
Sources:
It's about 9:42pm now. I had a busy day. I drug my tired ass out of bed at 12pm and drank an energy shot. I think it helped get my ass up, although it's not like I felt in the least bit speeded out or anything. I gathered all my crap to mail for the hearing, took it down to the post office and mailed it off. I'm glad to finally have that load off of my mind. I then took a long drive down to Pasadena, a place where I spent a good deal of the first 19 years of my life before Grandama and Granddad died..
Today however, I went for my appointment with this Reiki energy healer. She spent 2 hours on me instead of one and she knew things about me without having me tell her. She spent 20 minutes of the session on my head, said she had felt trauma there. Then she spent time around my reproductive organs and asked me if I'd ever lost a child cause there was trauma there. I explained I'd terminated a pregnancy 18 years ago and she'd said she my body remembered the pregnancy. She unblocked alot of pent up angst she said I had stored and said I should feel alot lighter, freer and I do.
I don't feel in the least bit tired now. She also said she could tell I had all this energy thinking about something that held me back for years, and I told her about the drugs for 25 years. "Why did you do it?," she asked in a non judgmental way. "They made me feel powerful over otherwise powerless situations," I said and boy is that true. The fatigue. Drugs. Gone. The weight. Drugs. Gone. The sex drive. Drugs. Gone. Not being able to unlock my creativity. Drugs. Gone. They served many purposes for me and now they're gone.
She said I keep thinking about going back to them and she's right, but I know I won't. I have been frustrated with all that's been going on, but I don't have to hide from the world or make excuses for my eccentric behavior like before. All my bullshit is out in the open to my family and friends. No more lying. No more being broke all the time down to 0 pennies in my pocket. I find solutions now, whereas I stayed in the problem before, but most of all I feel much more connected to others and less angry at them. Therefore, I abstain. I felt the heat radiating from her palms over whatever area of my body she was working on.
She sold me this meditation CD, something I've been wanting to buy for a long while. I do feel lighter, and I'm not at all tired. I feel good so I agreed to return for another appointment at the end of next month. Afterward when I got home I called Fawn and we talked for a while, then I drove over to see Dave and how everything was going for him after his quadruple bypass. I must say the dude is doing well. He's stopped eating bad food, he's taking all his meds, he's monitoring his blood sugar and doing everything the Docs tell him to do and he seems less depressed. I hope he keeps his attitude.
I told him I'm going to my Doc on the 12th to see what's up with the Hep C, plus talk about blood work and whatever treatment she thinks I might need. We're both living healthy lifestyles now. I went over to Mike's after that and hung out with him for 90 minutes or so and we had a good visit. Today was the first time in weeks I wasn't completely dominated by my chronic fatigue. After Mike's, I came home and watched some documentaries with Mom, talked to her and now I've got to jump in the shower and get ready for my graveyard shift at work. I've had a busy day and a good one. I said my prayers and soon I'll be off to work.
Today however, I went for my appointment with this Reiki energy healer. She spent 2 hours on me instead of one and she knew things about me without having me tell her. She spent 20 minutes of the session on my head, said she had felt trauma there. Then she spent time around my reproductive organs and asked me if I'd ever lost a child cause there was trauma there. I explained I'd terminated a pregnancy 18 years ago and she'd said she my body remembered the pregnancy. She unblocked alot of pent up angst she said I had stored and said I should feel alot lighter, freer and I do.
I don't feel in the least bit tired now. She also said she could tell I had all this energy thinking about something that held me back for years, and I told her about the drugs for 25 years. "Why did you do it?," she asked in a non judgmental way. "They made me feel powerful over otherwise powerless situations," I said and boy is that true. The fatigue. Drugs. Gone. The weight. Drugs. Gone. The sex drive. Drugs. Gone. Not being able to unlock my creativity. Drugs. Gone. They served many purposes for me and now they're gone.
She said I keep thinking about going back to them and she's right, but I know I won't. I have been frustrated with all that's been going on, but I don't have to hide from the world or make excuses for my eccentric behavior like before. All my bullshit is out in the open to my family and friends. No more lying. No more being broke all the time down to 0 pennies in my pocket. I find solutions now, whereas I stayed in the problem before, but most of all I feel much more connected to others and less angry at them. Therefore, I abstain. I felt the heat radiating from her palms over whatever area of my body she was working on.
She sold me this meditation CD, something I've been wanting to buy for a long while. I do feel lighter, and I'm not at all tired. I feel good so I agreed to return for another appointment at the end of next month. Afterward when I got home I called Fawn and we talked for a while, then I drove over to see Dave and how everything was going for him after his quadruple bypass. I must say the dude is doing well. He's stopped eating bad food, he's taking all his meds, he's monitoring his blood sugar and doing everything the Docs tell him to do and he seems less depressed. I hope he keeps his attitude.
I told him I'm going to my Doc on the 12th to see what's up with the Hep C, plus talk about blood work and whatever treatment she thinks I might need. We're both living healthy lifestyles now. I went over to Mike's after that and hung out with him for 90 minutes or so and we had a good visit. Today was the first time in weeks I wasn't completely dominated by my chronic fatigue. After Mike's, I came home and watched some documentaries with Mom, talked to her and now I've got to jump in the shower and get ready for my graveyard shift at work. I've had a busy day and a good one. I said my prayers and soon I'll be off to work.