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This whole being awake for more than 24 hours, doing amphetamines, cramming for exams and papers due, getting paranoid, cutting myself, and feeling like I'm just too stupid for school... it gets old. I don't think I can do college anymore. I think I'm going to have to drop out or, well, I don't know what I'm going to do. I might not be too stupid but the amount of work is too much, too soon. I mean I don't know how other people do it, I don't know how medical school students do it. I'm not that fast or that brilliant in the academic sense. I'm not retarded, I am just kind of slow, enough to make me fail in this system. I just can't stay positive about this. I'm just going to have to disappoint my whole family and all my friends who want me to succeed. But maybe I just can't succeed!

so im totally fucking excited!

i'm planning a trip to oakland, california to see a good friend of mine. when i get there we're going to drive towards santa cruz and hit all the cool spots on the way. like redwood forest and half moon bay. i'm mostly excited about alcatraz. a night tour would be so fucking spahooky.

i do believe i'll go. it'll be kick ass heading for the west. never been further than tennesse. im going to get loaded on the plane just because i can. last time i was under age, i still look under age. but now i can whip out my id like a hidden spade. *mental note* think of clever thing to say when whipping spade id.

and theres mother fucking anemones and starfish just floating their asses (well sitting i should say) in fucking tides pools!! i must go to where they are!!! i must pick them up!!! i must smuggle one home and bring it to my mother and say, look mother! a starfish and anemone...for you!!!

looks like i didnt make the tuition deadline for a reason (smug look on face).

Today is Tuesday Feb. 10th, 2009 and it is now 12:37 AM here in the Philippines.

Continuation...

So the war came, and I stayed at my Yeshiva, and became active in the Kahane Movement within Israel. It was a time of great awakening in my country. We were founded by extreme leftists, harcore Socialists and Communists.

One man who was the diametric opposite and yet an ardent Zionist was Vladimir Jabotinsky who went by his Jewish first name, "Ze'ev."

"Jewish Names" are our religious names, the names we use in religious functions. The Ashkenazim believe naming a baby after a living person will bring death to one or both of the people (adult and the baby) so they name after dead relatives. Other Jews have no such qualms and you even have Sephardim naming sons after fathers which is horrific to most Ashkenazim.

Since my mum was Ashkenazi, I was Religiously named after 2 long dead ancestors, Uncles "Yosafe (Yosef)" and "Amel." My religious name is Yosafe Mendel and my Religious surname is "Ben Yankel Yehoodah," meaning "Son of my fathers Religious names. "Yosafe Mendel Ben Yankel Yahoodah."

Vladimir "Ze'ev" Jabotinsky was an Eastern European Jew who believed that Socialism was not the cure to Jewish ills, and who believed Jews needed to concentrate more on self defence than on farming, which was the opposite of what Socialists, et al were pushing at the time.

Jabotinsky founded a youth movement in Eastern Europe, "Betar," which was the launching pad for a whole generation of Jewish Nationslists. Menachem Begin, a PM of Israel and one of the men who blew up the King David Hotel in Jerusalem, was a Betar leader for all of Poland and even did time in the Soviet Gulag for his activities before being freed in WWII to fight with the Free Polish Army.

Anyway, Jabotinsky was a freind of Rav Kahane's father, and often stayed at their Brooklyn home whenever his activities led him to the US. This shped Kahane's early years.

I started going to weekly meetings, and then every 2 days I was going to meetings plus serving guard duty at my school, anf of course training all day with my paramilitary unti.

The IDF ended up bogged down after hitting the Beirut suburbs and falling back out of the city as the US and a multi-national force landed to take up "Peace Keeping " duties there.

So, the "fast " war ended up lasting of course, until my 16th birthday which saw me on a bus up to the border at Rosh HaNikra, on the Israeli coast on the cliffs at the Lebanese border. I was in town for 4 days and then caught a tank ride asross. I ended up taking almost a week once in-country to make my way over to my first posting, on Mt. Hermon which is a mountain on the borders of Israel, Lebanon and Syria.

It was 1983, and Fatah Land had been reduced to a tiny swatch thatw as centered on the LEbanese side at the base of Mt. Hermon, so the base I was deployed to was in the thick of it. Despite this, my durties wer elimited for a couple of months, to Perimeter Duty.

The base had chainlink and razor wire, a sand track, another, outer fence, and then another sand track, and then mine fields down the mountain. Every shift had to run an APC (an
M113) with an Engineering implement on the back, like a little paver, to roll the sand flat so that any footprints might be easily seen.

In front of the M113 an Engineering unit had to demine the track to rid it of any IEDs or possible mines that might have been laid.

I was to ride with my head out of the hatch of the M113, with my Galil, and serve as part of the fire team that rode as Security for the Sand Track unit.

"Gailis" are an Israeli rifle, no longer really used. Based on the AK, with receivers made by a Finnish company that had liscenced the AK, and with the rest having been made by the Israeli military complex. We had alot of M16s, but they tend to jam up in dirty environments, so that anytime an IDF soldier carrying an M16 killed an enemy they always hoped they would nsag an AK and after a while our 08s (COs) were ignoring the fudging of the regulations so that they could have an effective fire team.

AKs will almost never jam from dirt, not even the ultra-fine silicate that you see in our part of the world. Desert countries, have a talcum power like dirt and sand, nothing like beack sand. Even if you clean your M16 every shift it will jam and one thing you do not want is your piece jamming in a firefight. It has happened to me a few times and it is one of the worst things that can ever happen.

Galils were decent pieces, but expensive to make as opposed to the price we were paying for the
M16 hand-me-downs from Big Brother/Uncle Sam.

I got into my first firefight while doing Perimeter. We would be sniped at regularly, so much so that we ended up no longer riding with the hatch up, but using the fire holes on the M113s. Still, from time to time the PLO would apparently get bored and we would get a small squad trying to probe our Defences. It was one of those forays that saw me in a short firefight.

I had 3 of them over the course of about 4 months, and then we ended up taking out the PLO fort on the bottom of the mountain . We could have bombed it into oblivion but there were often uneasy times where we lived and let live, for whatever reason. One argument was that it was much simpler with them at the bottom of the mountain then deep in the countryside where we could not maintain such a close vigil on them.

Still, there came a time when we had to move past them regularly and having them fully armed down there was not going to float. They bombed it into dust, and we mopped up and then the following month we began heading up into Beka'a.

"Beka'a" is a flat valley, in far eastern Lebanon, bordering Syria. It is also a prime drug producing region where poppies and cannabis are grown in abundance. #2 heroin was the staple of the local economy, and some of the best hasish in the world comes out of the little valley.

It is also prime Syrian and even Iranian country. Iran's "Revolutionary Guards" maintain 2 bases there to the present day, and were the group who founded Hezbollah but that is a while yet, in the future of my entries.

At that time they had not yet opened their first base, but Syria was large there. They had SAM batteries up and down the valley. We would move in cooridnated pushes with Armour, and with the IAF above us, taking out these installations.

One day, nearing Ba'alabek in Beka'a, when I was 17, we were engaged by 3 PLO RPG teams. They used to have 3 man teams, usually young teens, younger than me! And they could pin us down and make it hell for the tanks. I ended up getting snagged by a ricocheting bullet fragment that came in under my forward jaw, up through both jawbones, shattering 2.5 of my upper front teeth and settling in my sinus cavities.

I remember my head snaping back and then I blacked out. I came to as they had me on a stretcher, bagged already with saline and more morphine. See, we used to have 2 syrettes, which are disposable preloaded syringes, full of morphine sulphate. I guess someone had injected me already, and by the time I came to they were pushing me into a copter, with 2 IV bags, one of which was a steady morphine drip but I do not remember much of it.

The first time I did "Drugs" was at 8 days of age. Jewish boys get circumcised at that age. 8 days means that you will probablly live a while, so they either get you drunk by taking cloth, dipping it in sweet grape wine , squeezing it out tightly, and then letting you such the cloth, or they instead do the same with poppy tea.I was given tea like most in my Clan.

From 8 days until age 17 I had done nothing, save for a little cannabis in NYC while hanging out instead of going to school, which of course was what got me sent to Israel!

The copter ride was a blank but I do remember coming to again on the gurney in Hadassah Hospital inside Israel. I was there for 3 days, ptched up and given 30 days R and R, and ensconced at a abse outside of Jerusalem.

After 1 week I was ordered to do guard duty in Jerusalem, sorting out the Christian Pilgrims. It was there that I met my father in law.

I will continue...

Today is Monday, Feb. 9th, 2009 and it is now 11:31 PM here in the Philippines.

Continuation...

First, get to the music. Been out of my head with a new track by the great Dutch Trance DJ Paul Van Dyk, a real phenom who began cutting discs when he was 15. In his early 20s now, this song is maddening. The Tyler Michaud Remix of the song, and Dyk has Lo-Fi Sugar doing vocals:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlCB62n0Cok

Now with that out of the way, reading wise I have been rereading (perhaps the 8th time) "The Palestinian HAMAS (sic): Vision, Violence, and Coexistence"by Shaul Mishal and Avraham Sela, the English version by Columbia University Press (2000). I love the book because it is very objective history of the organisation, and includes an excellent English translation of their Charter. For anyone half interested (granted not many) Avalon Project's website (Yale University programme) also has a great English translation as well. For anyone wanting to learn about the Mid-East it truly is a must read (Charter).

Back to me...

So at 13 I was a man. We believe, traditionally that if a man is not married by 16 he will have a very unlucky life, 18 is the maximum and if you are 18 you are thought to have problems, etc.

Traditionally your family, your Clan, or with Ashkenazim (European Jews) whose Clan Structure was lost over time, your Kollel (social unit serving same function as Clan although not all blood related, much like the Arab Clans ("Palestinians" anyway), will make the arrangements.

They approach a girl's family directly, or they use a mediator, a matchmaker what we call in Hebrew, a "Shadchan." These matchmakers are all women, and they are always carrying around albums of prospective males and females, including Clan lineages, pedigrees and such.

Different Jewish groups have different customs as far as how they select mates but almost always the overriding concern is the groom's religious scholarship with intelligence being the actual thing being discerned. We are one of, if not THE oldest continuous civlisations on this planet. We were settled in what is now Israel and surrounding lands more than 4000 years ago so we are at least 4000 years old. For that entire length of time we seem to have married for intelligence.

The result? Einstein, Oppenhiemer, Freud, Marx, on and on and on and on. My IQ, which I am well aware of thanks to the IDF is 147 although I have tested as high as 160 but since "averages" are what matters in this regard 147 it is. Whoopee Doo, as my late father would say, "That and a quarter will get you a cup of coffee."

By my 14th birthday my family asked members of our Clan (Dwek) who were in Israel to contract my marriage. They began looking but I was a poor prospect because although I have average Jewish intelligence, I was in a paramilitary and being trained for a grunt position in the actual military, IDF.

We have a religious law that says a married man cannot go to war, he must divorce his wife before heading into battle because in our culture and religion, a death must be witnessed by 2 males over the age of maturity, 13. In battle you can actually vapourise and without the required witnesses it is not a valid death and any widow would be left without a marriage. At such a young age, they could not find any women that would allow herself to be divorced so young, etc.

Our Rabbis have given Rulings to circumvent the "divorce" requirement but the military is still not seen as a desirable occupation for a marriage prospect. Ergo, I was not matched until 17 but that is a while yet.

As they looked, at age 13 I began training full time. Until 2 years ago the you could end schooling at age 11 in Israel, due to Arabs who only value (most anyway) religious schooling. Unlike Jews their religion is very simplified. They have Qur'an, Shar'ia but only specialists study it, Hadit again studied only by specialists and so on. In Judaisim we study EVERYTHING and do it by memoury and we believe in studying until we die.

So my formal religious education ended at age 13,although I continued studying when I could, and at age 14 they gave me what we call "G'boosh" which a 3 day trial with psych, social, and physical tests to discern what position I might serve best at in the army. I desired more than anything to be a fighter pilot but of course I was not chosen, I was taught to kill, and taught if need be to be killed.

When I was 14 our country went to war again, "Operation Peace for Galilee," the 1st Lebanon War.

The PLO had been in Lebanon since the PLO was formally founded, in 64, and had turned all of S. Lebanon north from our border to the Alawi River into what was popularly known as "Fatah Land."

The word "Fatah" is Arabic and means "Victory," and was the most influential faction within the PLO which was just an umbrella organisation. Fatah was led by Yasser Arafat who ended up, by the very early 70s, leading the entire PLO although he had been the public face since its inception.

The PLO would terrorise the mostly Shi'a Lebanese villagers, so much so that when we liberated that swatch of Lebanon the villagers used to heap garlands of flower and throw candy to us. Can you imagine? From being their heroes in 82 to being their arch nemisis in 2006?

Everyone thought it would be another short Israeli war but it lasted until 85 and from 85 to 2000 we had what is known in English as the "Lebanese Occupation" but which was essentially a more bloody and protracted war than the actual 3 year war than ended in 85. This was my youth.

I will continue shortly...

Sean came over and stayed. I can't say I felt cared for the whole time. I don't know. He won't kiss me unless I try to get it from him He did cuddle at come point, when he didn't have a beer in his hand.

He says that he hasn't drank all week and he doesn't have a problem. Ok. I can't change something that he doesn't want to change.

I asked him why he has been so distant. Why he doesn't text..he says he likes to have me do it first. I don't know, maybe he likes to feel needed too but where does that leave me. I told him that I've been told that I have relationship paranoia...he laughed and said "Oh really, ya think?" But now he is getting to the point that he doesn't trust me as much as he should for reasons I don't want to share.

There seem to be so many messes to clean up. I need to find a job, but I don't know what that will mean for us. He needs a new one because he hates the ones he is at. He doesn't sleep well either which I think hurts his mood. I don't think hes all that happy. He needs to get his OWI taken care of. He seems to think that I will take a phone call and one meeting and it will be fixed. Idk if he is trying or what the case is.

We hung out and he only had 4 beers with food. But then again we didn't fight...but there are a lot of issues floating around and I'm doing all I can to help. I guess I believe that through helping others I can help myself.

He has given up on the food thing although I ususally try. I just couldn't do it last night. He simply wants me to double check my text messages because of auto text messing them up so he can understand me. What kind of request is that?

Somtimes he just seems so hopeless, so indifferent, about everything. Fixing things, going somewhere, us.

If the tramadol isn't here by Monday I'm going to be pissed. I'll hang out in my room high until school...I'll sit in class high, give a presentation high...ok maybe on that one. I mean my prof. isn't stupid. I just don't care. Maybe school will suck less ya know.

Notes:
See if meds work
Get 2 Dr appts
Get meds
Check SIDA and MUSCO
Pick up Earl May app
Turn in apps
Turn in last ditch app
Catch up on all my back homework
Talk to Dr. about flatline and then dip to depression? Paranoia?

so, i have been seeing things at work that i do not like... someone hit almost hit a child today, this is a child who already has a history of abuse. for him, i would assume the threat of him being hit is almost the same as being hit....

what happened was: he wanted to look out the door to see when his mom was coming. i told him he could look out the window... my boss came storming in and said he was not allowed to look out the window. the child started crying and running to the door. she grabbed him very forcefully and said she would hit him if he moved. he moved toward the door and i stepped in before anything else happened. she stepped back and said if there was ever a child she would hit, it would be this one.

i am not sure what i should i say/not say or to who because its one of my bosses involved. the bad thing is, this is not the first time that i have felt odd about how things have happened at work

This slush which is like an impermeable membrane of plasma

my feet shuffle through​

half water, half snow.

The sun comes out but gray flushes over.

melt and comes another freeze.

Survival skills are out of date, mechanisms entrapping.

And snapping.
Slipping.

I confused always.. Awkward, unusual burden. I try to understand. Inspiration is a strife.

Because I fear so much, I unresolved. With something.

Is it just urges of unrequite? Seeking the insatiate again?

I frustrated- the inability to see - how I detriment my being.. My circuit breaker on the fritz - all I need is an outlet.
My passion, my peace, my creativity and sexual energy.
I sort of miss me.






This photo is eerie - makes me think of what is in my mind. This wilderness of wild - skittish - but so close to be reached.

I'll take one, 'cause I needed to feel it so much

I had an emotional crutch, but




I'm feeling bored so I'll take some more

Cause nothing is happening

How pathetic and disgusting. She might aswell put a dog collar around the bloke's neck and stick him in a cage!
Edited. Please do not personally attack someone in Blogs. Thanks ~spork
Why all of this "we are" and "we will"? How very like a woman to do that.

Why don't men open up to their partners? Because women worm their way into someone's problems, force them to become their own business, blow them way out of proportion and then begin a little knitting circle to discuss how to best fix "their" problems.

That thread just further compounds my belief that only men are capable of empathy. I truly feel sad for the man this thread is supposed to be about; were it me, I'd ask the hospital to throw away the key and disallow any visitors. It may be extreme, but it'd get him away from the constant meddling and absence of faith and trust.

i spend way too much time playing lexulous on facebook.. and its apparently making me cocky because i keep beating my roommates. i even told one of them how to cheat.

I've just gotten out of class, behavior modification. I'm trying to modify my bf's drinking behavior just because well 1. it bothers me 2. I care and sadly it seems like no one does, no one pushes him, he had said that he thanks me for it and values it so I guess idk he sees that I see something in him and care about him 3. He has admitted that it needs to be changed.

But I've spent just the whole class period thinking about it and its getting to me. I think some k-pins might be in order to prevent a panic attack. I don't know what is wrong with my brain someday. I was on the second floor of the library and you can look down. I did and its a bit down, it took my breath away and I just stood there. Looking at the concrete floor with a sick intentment. Know, well shit that won't kill you..it took someone walking around until I kinda snapped out of it. Perhaps that why I feel panic like, too my breath away and thats a sign of a panic attack.

But also, as soon as I got up there, intent to do a lot of the back reading I need to go before class. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sean and the alcohol. Is this hopeless? Will be ever be able to clean up the mess that I just can't for him? I can't, all I can do is motivate him and he just gives up so easy. He just seems so disillusioned (please excuse the spelling and typos I don't have my regular spell checker here at school) with life. He hates his job, he hates his parents. Hes so reserved and quiet that I feel like I'm the only one he talks to. Not sure why..perhaps because I was the one to open up about everything first. I just feel so sad for him sometimes, that he seems so unhappy. Maybe he is unhappy with me...he never says he missed me or he cares about me any more. Not like he used to. Calls less and sees me less. Although I've been told that I get really paranoid about things like this. Just lil things and go on about all this means its going to be like the rest. I can't save it on my own. I don't think I can be motivated to even try now...and out of the blue he is going to leave.

Maybe it could get to the point that I have to leave. That I am just so drained that I can't do it anymore. I mean sometimes I see him and he can be downright disrespectful of me. Drinking in my car which puts me at risk of a ticket. Thinking that he can drive better drunk in the snow than I can sober. That may be true, but driving MY car, drunk and without a license...is putting ME at risk. I mean does he really even car or this just trait behavior or something that can be modified? I just get to thinking about it and I get to thinking that he isn't as great as I think he is. Perhaps I'm depressed or perhaps my eyes are starting to open after the honeymoon stage.

He can get so moody, almost depressed about life, pissy and the alcohol really bothers me. Although I feel bad saying that since I'm a Tramadol user, irresponsible at times, risking seizures and addiction and shit, but I almost think its different. He just wants me off it because I abuse it and is afraid of me having to deal with w/d. But then again typing that I feel that maybe its more of the same.

I told him that if he had to work on this drinking thing then he could pick anything he wanted for me to work on. I would have bet money it was going to be the Tramadol but no, its the food. Which is almost as hard. I don't have the desire to eat although since I will try to modify his behavior...trying more subtle than I intended and if that doesn't work more direct...but I'm putting my foot down about the drinking in my car. Its my car and I said no. However I don't know how much he is going to fight me on it. I was going to say that I will pull over and make him dump the beer out if he opens it, but shit I'm pretty sure that I can't stick to that bottom line...why make something you aren't going to stick to. Go for Intervention on A&E I guess. Thats what they say.

I still feel the panic rising in my chest, feeling short of breath, shaky, almost brought to tears. I hate having these. I try to fight them and I can sometimes. Sean can see them coming on and I'm thankful for that really I am. I'm so thankful that he has trusted me as much as he does, even though perhaps he knows that I don't truly trust him. I don't. I can't. I don't trust him not to hurt me. I want him to leave me if he is unhappy or whatever, but its going to hurt and as much as we think long term and say that's what we are looking for, days that I see it like this and get paranoid, I don't see it happening for me. Who would ever want me ya know...I mean he puts up will all the mental illness, but he has also said...how can I love someone that I'm not sure will be there the next day? My stupid ass comment was, well you just want me to get it over with so you don't have to worry about it? I'm not good off my meds...

Things I am or need to work on:

My view of the world and my relationship with it and other people. Paranoia. catastohesizing (ok that was my pathetic attempt at spelling, this makes me feel stupid. I'm editing this later...)

Food. Trying to eat, even though its about the last thing I want to do. I have about 20 pds to gain to be at a healthy weight.

Catching up on my homework rather than putting it off until the test comes up.

So modification of my own behavior. I annoy myself sometimes. I'm loud, and sometimes rather annoying. With Sean being so reserved, he keeps his personal life personal and he wants that to be true of stuff about us too. So I need to keep my mouth shut and respect that. BL is venting. I ALWAYS say the wrong thing if there is a woman in the room. Just seemingly go out of my way to insult them. Sean is very quick to point that out. One I think he feels that I make an ass out of myself and I do, but also he sees that I lack friends, especially women...shit if I can understand them and he wants that for me. Perhaps he wants me to be less fixated on him...be more distance and less needy like he is with me...maybe I'm just fucking this up. But I do want to be around him and feel cared for and happy. Is that so wrong? Needy, yeah thats me. Crash and burn of relationships no doubt. If I could control it better I could, sometimes it gets almost compulsive. Yeah, I talk to much in class, who cares about my input all the time and actually I have felt ppl be annoyed with me. Or I'm just paranoid, thinks everyone dislikes me and is out to hurt me. I have no idea. But I'm sure I can be annoying as hell. Shut up and let someone else talk... I talk way to loud on the phone. Uh I pretty much hate who I am I guess. Feel that I'm going to be alone forever unless I change the thoughts, the behaviors, neediness, the actions. I can blame it all on BPD...but everyone has heard that. And I have to fix it.

I know I need to get into therapy. But being set to Sean's 3rd shift because that is the only time he is awake to text me isn't helping. I can't get up.
Also I need to find a job. So I hate it, times suck. Sean goes to a job he hates. I'm going to end up broke. Get over it.

I've worked really hard on the cutting because I can't stand to disappoint Sean. 1. If I hide it he will be upset and 2. its not like I can really hide it. But the urges haven't left me.

Need to get off Tramadol. But I don't want to really. But if my mom sees me all out of it on it again I'm going to be in trouble and Sean doesn't like it and its costing me $100s of dollars.

Maybe I need a change in meds. Flatline to depression. Paranoid thinking maybe I have delusions and compulsions. Maybe I'm sicker than they think. Fuck I have no idea. Everyone is fucked up, I'm just more than most, most days.

I know there is more shit like sleeping when I need to be and less BLing and doing what I need to and shit like that. There is so much in my own life that needs fixed who am I to try to make Sean change.

I'm currently just depressed and filled with a lot of self hatred, I'm not sure why...I guess I saw myself talking to much and once I get on one thing I don't like then I can find more. This isn't even going into my living with my parents or the way I look or any of that shit that I also hate.
I hate the way I look, act, think, live...
shit is that a way to live at all?

I should get my shit around to go to class. Another class sounds horrible, plus the drive home. Someone put me out of my fucking emo miserable existence. No wonder no one wants to be around me, not even Sean...he didn't come yesterday, no talk of weekend plans at all...I don't even want to be around me. I'm done..

So, this whole week has been a bit strange. Things have been different than usual at the gym-- but in a good way. Had coffee with an old friend and it seems like we both aged five years in the last month-- but in a good way. Yoga felt a bit too easy, but since I'm in a beginner class I'd say that's a good thing as well.

Work takes the cake though. The company I work for is developing a new kind of silver coating for wound dressings (among other things), and we've finally received our pilot scale machine to automate the process. Except that it didn't fit through any of the 5 doors that it had to pass through to get to the lab.

So it's a pain, sure, but not my problem. It was actually a bit gratifying to see the CEO and VP Marketing curse at this thing. So the machine spent the night on the loading dock, right where the movers that delivered it abandoned it. This morning they managed to get it close to the lab, and actually deigned to ask me for help. Some effort (and a bit of cursing) later, and it's sitting in the proper lab, and everyone is feeling celebratory.

This is when my boss, the director of research and development and one of the co-founders of the company arrives. He usually gets in a bit later in the day, seeing as how he does most of his work at home. So he pops in, grabs a few files from his office, and comes over and shakes my hand, saying goodbye. Me being a bit dense thinks that he's just heading out for the day, so I stammer something odd to that extent, to which he replies: "no, goodbye. You won't be seeing me here again. I'm done. Goodbye, and good luck."

...


I'm still not too sure what to make of it. This company was his baby for the last 8 years, and we're basically just a small step away from commercializing his pet project. I'll find out more tomorrow I'm sure, but on the plus side this now opens up a huge pile of opportunity for me. While I don't want to be someone who intrigues for power at the office, I have essentially been working for the last year as the assistant to this man's daughter, who has the EXACT same qualifications as I do. We were even in the same graduating class. I'll just have to tactfully remind the right people of this fact, that I am capable of doing anything that she can, and that she is horribly overworked right now.

So we shall see what comes of this. The restaurant/chain idea is still simmering, but if I can make this chemistry job actually decent then I might be able to stick around long enough to save a bit of start-up capital.

Now if I only had any motivation to do my programming side-project

So we lost all our old journal entries?




Awesome.. Ever just wake up and want to find out how safe it is to to combine k g h n booze?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,....................................


saying you wanna kill yourself gets so old and played out

actually killing yourself doesnt get you anywhere productive

lets say we all just get fucked up

cheers





ps. on that note, k + g and k + h on their own sure do get the job done. k h shroom could be nice if my brain were stable enough to even LOOK at a mushroom without starting to sweat

not much going on lately - the fear at work is coming along in terms of...am I fired? am I laid off? not really but we pretend to make our lives interesting

i gotta start hangin with cooler people.

seriously.

----

for random i was looking online today and saw some wack shit regarding tshirts and being a fundy christian

Would you wear a t-shirt that says?

ex-masturbator

even chicks rocking it..... whuuut?

the serious no-fun plp stay away!

i want a shirt that says:

shake junt!

2/4/2009

I had a hell of a time getting up. Again. I swear I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it perhaps that my body is saying "Homegirl either stay up nights or stay up days, but make up your damn mind!" Maybe that's my problem? I'm up nights Thurs - Mon, then Tues-Wed days and Thursdays both, although I get a shitload of sleep like 10+ everyday except Friday. I really can't afford it, but I said fuck it and made another appointment with the Reiki energy lady for tomorrow. I hope it helps...

Mom and I were gonna go to dinner then maybe to a movie, but the plans changed when her friend Maryanne invited us to dinner cause she's moving away this weekend. I agreed, but to tell the truth I hate going out on social occasions with large groups of people. You can't talk to a group so what ends up happening is that everyone has these mini conversations on the side and I find it irritating as fuck. Last time a group of us went out and I was sittin next to my friend Amy, but Jeff was bending her ear 90% of the time, so I hardly got a word in edgewise. It's not that I have anything against Jeff mind you, but that boy does talk.

Also, with so many people, if there are plans afterward, like going to a movie, it takes forever and a day what movie everyone finally agrees on and yeah I'm impatient that way. Make up your damn minds for fuxake! I went out to have a good time, not dick around deciding which restaurant or movie we're going to go to arrrrg! I guess that's why whenever I do go out, it's usually only with one or 2 others at a time. Anyway, that's it for now. Oh yeah, I emailed Rob from my old Crystal Meth Slammers group. Yahoo deleted both of them because of some whiner, which is a shame cause I had a lot of good stories and information on there. I miss getting loaded and going on line having these long ass philosophical conversations with my druggie friends. I always made them laugh because under the influence of meth I'm a silly clown, whereas sober I'm serious and quiet. There are things I miss about getting loaded. It made the computer and the internet seem magic and sober things just are. It's Rob's birthday today so I wished him a happy b day.

It's sad because he seems to be lonely, although I've mentioned NA to him, he won't go so I guess it's just him, his painkillers and his family. I read once in an astrology book that people born on the 4th or the 8th tend to attract others born on those same days or have 4s and 8s in their phone #'s and addresses. What's trippy is that in my case it's true.

Lately I'm felt so eh or blah. Just emotionally flatlined and bored. Is this flat affect or what it means to feel and be "normal"? Is this what everyone else feels like? Idk maybe with BPD I NEED drama in my life even though I feel and claim to HATE drama. I just feel so bored and that isn't good for me. It can get me in trouble. I wonder what my Dr. would say. But I kinda don't want to go off the medication I'm on because I don't want to feel suicidal and depressed again, that is worse than feeling nothing. I used to take meds to deaden or feel nothing, now I don't like it. It might why I like Sean being around, one he usually makes me feel loved and in love and really happy, two, he can be really moody and shit and that causes drama for us. I don't feel less for him because he is like that, hell he puts up with me and I can be BEYOND moody.

My wrists are still hurting. I sprained both of them like 2 weeks ago. They hurt bad and I'm already on Naproxen for the headaches. That should have automatically fixed it. This is like the 3rd time I've sprained them both at the same time. It sucks. Because I'm usually wearing this ugly brace that is hard to do anything with, although it makes it hurt less because you don't move it as much. I wonder what people think at school a lot because one class I'll have it on my left wrist and in the second I'll have it on my right. Its just which one hurts the most at the time. I'd look so stupid and have too much of a hard time if I had braces on both. I wonder how long I should wait before going to the Dr., if I should go now since I'm already on Naproxen and taking medicine with Codeine and that's not making it hurt less. The other day I went to school and I didn't take notes at all, just wrote it one class on a short test and my wrist hurt SO bad for really no reason.

Sean is coming over today. It will be nice to see him and hug and kiss him. But he will have to sleep pretty much the whole time he is here. I'm staying up so hopefully I can sleep with him most of the time. I know that he needs to for work and he said he hasn't gotten enough sleep and he says he sleeps better here so hopefully that will help.

I do so much to prep before I see him. Making sure everything is perfectly clean and making sure I'm looking my best. I've always tried to do that with my bfs. I don't know why I feel the need to prove that I'm worth something and I can be a good partner. I guess it comes from my need to be loved. But I shouldn't have to always feel the need to prove myself. I bet if Sean knew how much I do, painting my nails his favorite color, having my hair how he likes it, scrubbing the bath tub because he gets a shower here, washing the bed...he would likely tell me its stupid and not to do it. But hey it makes Tuesday cleaning day I guess.
Noel ate some of the medicine I have for my headaches. He threw it back up thank goodness and I got a syringe and forced him to drink some water and he ate and stuff and seems just fine but I was worried about him. Thank goodness I don't have kids. I can be a bad pet owner sometimes, not that I mean to. I love my kitty. I worry about what kind of parent I will be.

Speaking of kids. I was thinking about losing my job and being a lil upset about it. I can't believe that happened. I would never hurt a kid on purpose. And the person that reported it didn't see if from my point of view. I was meaning to go to my boss and tell her what happened actually but they beat me to it, which looked bad. I had my boss and a family friend go to bat for me in front of the board and I still lost it and now I can't find a new job. I don't want to go back to Hy-vee that sucked, but I pretty sure that's what I'm going to have to do. I would be an obvious hire, as long as they aren't just picking older people that are losing their jobs and have families to support. I've worked there before and really advanced in at the one in Pella. Still don't wanna work there. I kinda wish I wouldn't have quit Hy-vee in pursuit of trying to find a job that made me happy.

Really I think that every job you get tired of sometimes. There are days that you just would rather stay home instead. I think even when I graduate and get the job I want as a therapist there will be days that I'm worn out or dealing with my own stuff and would rather not work. Can't really call in sick like I did a lot with my other jobs because not having therapy that week can be really traumatic for some clients or make them have to deal with more stuff alone, or set them back in their progress. I kinda told Sean how I felt about work. He seems rather disappointed that I didn't believe that there would be a job out there for him that he wants that will feel like doing a hobby than work. Work will always be work. Its a fact of surviving life.

That gets me thinking about what I learned recently about the theories of Karl Marx. I don't think he is crazy or as bad as people seem to think or say he is. Yeah he didn't see the development of the middle class or the outcomes of labor movements but he did predict globalization. If he saw the former Soviet Union or China he would say that wasn't what he was talking about. Just his ideas twisted for some one's advantage. Really we are seeing the emergence of the 2c class system with the middle class losing their jobs and really becoming the needy lower class. Now we could be a rising up against that and the rise of Socialism but its more likely that there will be a rising up and checks and balances placed on the Capitalist system. Obama does talk about the strengthening of the middle class though. Obama can't preform a miracle though, as much as we hope or think he can. I worry about entering a time like the Great Depression again. Is that weird for me to be worried about it like that? Perhaps getting out of this war would help. Seriously most people tend to forget about it until they watch the news or something. Is that worse than having something like people fighting against it like we have seen in the past. Perhaps its because we have reactivated the draft again like I thought Bush might do. That causes people not to worry about it as much because they aren't seeing their loved ones being forced into a war and losing them.

I'm thinking I better post all this before I lose it, my computer likes to eat shit I spend a lot of time on and don't feel like rewriting.

hello.

so my friend had a perscription of buprenorphine.

its rather uncommon.

its only prescribed to people who have physical dependency for opiates.

he gave me one and warned me about the potency.
they were 8 miligram so i only railed a quarter of it (two milligrams)
which was already more than enough to keep me fuked up for the next 8 hours.

what i wanna know if its possible to extract into smoke-able form?
if so how?
and how similiar would the high be compared to black tar?

thanks!

London had snowfall over the last few days. It's more or less the first time in three years that it has stayed on the ground here for any length of time.

All my flatmates stayed off work and we hit the vodka by 10am, as a group. Midday saw me walking around in the snow buying weed and more booze.

This led to four of us snorting coke and talking one set of shit and drinking at an inhuman rate all day long, going completely batshit crazy.

In the evening we had an eight ball delivered and went on into the night, pausing only to go to the shops for more booze at 3am this morning.

Bedtime was 9.30am, none of the flatmates went to work today either, on account of severe comedowns and migraine.

My head is wankered right now.

I've been trying for the last 4 hours and I just can't sleep. I can't seem to turn my mind off. The sneezing and coughing every 2 minutes isn't helping much either.

I took 2mg of kpin and that isn't helping either. I better start getting yawny soon. This is getting old.

ffff