Hey guys am sittin here kickin back listenin to tunes. That Reiki shit really helped. The major fatigue seems to have lifted so I'm definately going back for another appointment at the end of February. I dread getting the mail everyday as I think there will be dreaded news from the student loan people and today there was something. Fortunately it was only a piece of paper informing me of the interest I paid them so far for the year 2008. I remember the days where clean or loaded sometimes I'd be so paralyzed with fear that I wouldn't even venture out to get the mail for weeks at a time.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
A memory came back to me of when Erik came out from Van the first time and had asked me if I had gotten his Valentine. I hadn't gotten the mail in I don't know how long, but for some reason his presence helped me overcome my fear temporarily, so I went out to the mail box and there it was, along with a bunch of other shit. I remember regretting the fact of missing out on good mail earlier if only I had overcome my rediculous fear before then. These days, I get the mail whether I'm afraid or not. I try to remember that when all is said and done, nothing is really all that terrible that can't be dealt with, it just seems that way at times. Like the lady said at Reiki, each person has the power to change his mind.
Lately I've come to the conclusion that God or the Source as I like to call It really isn't male or female because the Source is formless, but in everyone and everything. The strength to change is within me as it is within everyone else, it's just a matter of accessing the power, so I try through prayer and meditation. It's gonna take forever and a day it seems to shed another 50 or 60 lbs, but hopefully with the permanent change in diet it will eventually happen. I wish I had the money to go and get liposuction because I'd do it in a heartbeat and merely stay on Weight Watchers and go back to regular exercise. Fuckin exercise isn't so much fun like it was when I wasn't so damn big, but since I don't have the money what I'm doing in the meantime with have to do.
In a perfect world I'd get enough money from some of my income tax returns without having the student loan people take it away from me first. I want this fuckin fat gone yesterday. Sigh. No point in dwelling on it. I'm grateful to have most of the chronic fatigue lifted, though I'm still gonna see my Doc about it on the 12th. Hopefully if I keep working on this shit I'll make all my dreams come true. I talked to Jim, my ex sugar daddy recently and was glad to hear he's doin ok, although the cravings hit him at times. Sometimes it's gotta suck to feel so lonely and I hope that perhaps one day he may venture out and give NA or AA another try someday, but at least he feels happy and secure in the love of family. I know I appreciate and feel Mother's love alot more since getting clean and working the program.
She really does love me and I try to reciprocate that love by being sweet to her and I no longer get upset with the amount of money she asks me for rent because I've seen first hand all the damn bills that go with running this half acre household. I'm gonna be living here for another 3 years easily and I feel I owe it to her to help. She keeps telling me that one day this house will be all mine because she doesn't have any other children besides me. I'm glad that she got to see me get clean hopefully long before she dies, as she is only 65, a young 65 at that. To look at her, you'd think she was at least 10-12 years younger because she doesn't have these jowls or facial wrinkles so common among middle age +. I'm still youthful looking too, except for the weight, but at least I'm doing something about it.
I talked to my sponsor for a bit today. It's good to have Saturday to kick back a bit before work. I love my sponsor because she reminds me of a gentle, sweet, loving doe. I fininished The Heroin Diaries sometime back and damn I'm impressed with Nikki Sixx! The fact that a rock star surrounded by constant temptations and where money isn't a problem is still doin his concerts clean is inspiring. I definately recommend reading his book. So that's it for now. Gonna check out and kick it a few before going to work. Oh yeah, I'm watching the series out on DVD called Lost, it's awesome! Anyone out there seen it? I'm almost all the way through the first season and still have 3 more to go. Mom says the 5th one is out on Tivo and I can watch it as soon as I'm done with the others. It's kind of cool watching something entertaining at work because it gives me something to do plus I'm taking a break from A Course In Miracles.
I love studying my spirituality, but it is a difficult book to understand. I'll get back to the meditation exercises, but in the meantime I'm doin my own prayer and meditation to stay as balanced as I can. It's nice as hell to be able to do a better job of it at that, as this bloody fatigue, most of it anyway seems to have been lifted that God.
I recommend it for sure.