I feel like with all of the drugs that I have did in my life, no matter what, I was still here. I never understand that, and everyone was dying around me including my own husband, and after that a lover and then my best friend. I know that I am not on these things as bad as I was. I raise my kids, and do not have the money to spend on those things as I did before I was a mother. I just feel like I tend to pick wounded people, because I am wounded myself. I have a good heart, and I am trying to make amends for everything I can not change, but by helping others and devoting my life and time to anyone thats heart is as blue as the blood in their vains. I might find peace. Needless to say, it isn't working. I have not found any peace, not even within site.
Cryng all of the time, mourning for the past. No one knows for certain, and you were always right, because if a breaze could blow you out of my life. We are only smoke and ashes.
So with all of my recent events in my life I am now reminded of why I am still here. I am tired of the old Stella. She died with Joe. I am going to start taking more of a stand and demanding what my heart needs to heal even if it means others need to fend for themselves for a minute. If that means stepping down from TDS I will. I do not think it will come to that, but I will never look at things the same as before. I will not sugar coat self harm. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I will not be okay with all of you dying. Be smart, and stop waiting for someone to save you. Save yourself. So say you'll never close your eyes, and protend that it's a rosey world, say you will never try to paint what is right without sugar coat. I want you to picture the horrors me and others have seen so you will know when we tell you like it is, you will listen or at least be fucking more careful. See you talk about the horrors you'ver seen, and the torment you know. All I have to say to that, is come back and talk to me when you bury your husband, then your love, and the latest, my best fucking friend. The only place I can really say this and make a difference is in TDS, so I want to remind everyone why TDS is here. What makes you weak, weak at dark? What makes you want want to break down in silence and bind? Thats what I love about TDS, we can tell it like it is, just so no one can forget. When we forget, we repeat. I am tired of burying everyone I love. Know your body is fragile. One day we are here, and are gone the next. I wished I could tell you that I am okay. I am really in my survival mood, and I am doing what I need too.
All I need to do is figure out why I am dealing with so much pain. The way that I love the people I love is so different then other people. I love you with my entire soul, and I give them a piece of me, and then everytime they die, a part me does too. So I feel as if I am dead already. So much of me is gone. I feel as if I need rescued this time, but I know all we have in the end is ourselves, and I refuse to give in now. Not now, I have came so far, and my composer is maintaining. It's just after we buried Joe, I was in such a familliar place. I was basicly burying my husband all over again, because he was my best friend just as Joe was. I couldn't stop him from overdosing, just like I couldn't my husband. He knew everything about me, and I feel so betrayed. I felt like if we were just friends that would be the one way I could be close and still be safe. Not lovers, just close enough that we were still separate people, not a couple. But it was such a stupid torchure I put us both through. After worrying about losing you and not committing, then if you died it would hurt less. I loved you even though you were out of control, I didn't go with you because I have seen this behavior before. Even after I warned you, you just keep it from me. Somehow I am still alive inside, losing you basicly took my breathe but I am surviving. I don't even know how. How does someone expect a person to live without air, and I feel like the part you left with was everything I had left to give and all of my air to the point I can't even breathe. You were my everything. All of the ones I have lost in my life time. How does a person get that back? I have been to therapy, hell I could teach the class. I still made another appointment on the 11th of Feb. I just do not feel like I am ever going to be the same. I have lost such a good part of myself by losing these parts of my life. I miss them. I feel as if I have no air at all at times.
Maybe I need to forgive them. There are times when I notice my mourning turns to rage and anger. I feel like they were a part of a bigger picture to teach me a lesson. I want to be forgiven for failing them. I just do not see myself giving myself that peace. If I leave this world, I would leave it showing I didn't care. If I sleep just to dream of you, then I have to wake without you there. I feel so alone, and I feel like something is missing. I need to find myself again without you.
Cryng all of the time, mourning for the past. No one knows for certain, and you were always right, because if a breaze could blow you out of my life. We are only smoke and ashes.
So with all of my recent events in my life I am now reminded of why I am still here. I am tired of the old Stella. She died with Joe. I am going to start taking more of a stand and demanding what my heart needs to heal even if it means others need to fend for themselves for a minute. If that means stepping down from TDS I will. I do not think it will come to that, but I will never look at things the same as before. I will not sugar coat self harm. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I will not be okay with all of you dying. Be smart, and stop waiting for someone to save you. Save yourself. So say you'll never close your eyes, and protend that it's a rosey world, say you will never try to paint what is right without sugar coat. I want you to picture the horrors me and others have seen so you will know when we tell you like it is, you will listen or at least be fucking more careful. See you talk about the horrors you'ver seen, and the torment you know. All I have to say to that, is come back and talk to me when you bury your husband, then your love, and the latest, my best fucking friend. The only place I can really say this and make a difference is in TDS, so I want to remind everyone why TDS is here. What makes you weak, weak at dark? What makes you want want to break down in silence and bind? Thats what I love about TDS, we can tell it like it is, just so no one can forget. When we forget, we repeat. I am tired of burying everyone I love. Know your body is fragile. One day we are here, and are gone the next. I wished I could tell you that I am okay. I am really in my survival mood, and I am doing what I need too.
All I need to do is figure out why I am dealing with so much pain. The way that I love the people I love is so different then other people. I love you with my entire soul, and I give them a piece of me, and then everytime they die, a part me does too. So I feel as if I am dead already. So much of me is gone. I feel as if I need rescued this time, but I know all we have in the end is ourselves, and I refuse to give in now. Not now, I have came so far, and my composer is maintaining. It's just after we buried Joe, I was in such a familliar place. I was basicly burying my husband all over again, because he was my best friend just as Joe was. I couldn't stop him from overdosing, just like I couldn't my husband. He knew everything about me, and I feel so betrayed. I felt like if we were just friends that would be the one way I could be close and still be safe. Not lovers, just close enough that we were still separate people, not a couple. But it was such a stupid torchure I put us both through. After worrying about losing you and not committing, then if you died it would hurt less. I loved you even though you were out of control, I didn't go with you because I have seen this behavior before. Even after I warned you, you just keep it from me. Somehow I am still alive inside, losing you basicly took my breathe but I am surviving. I don't even know how. How does someone expect a person to live without air, and I feel like the part you left with was everything I had left to give and all of my air to the point I can't even breathe. You were my everything. All of the ones I have lost in my life time. How does a person get that back? I have been to therapy, hell I could teach the class. I still made another appointment on the 11th of Feb. I just do not feel like I am ever going to be the same. I have lost such a good part of myself by losing these parts of my life. I miss them. I feel as if I have no air at all at times.
Maybe I need to forgive them. There are times when I notice my mourning turns to rage and anger. I feel like they were a part of a bigger picture to teach me a lesson. I want to be forgiven for failing them. I just do not see myself giving myself that peace. If I leave this world, I would leave it showing I didn't care. If I sleep just to dream of you, then I have to wake without you there. I feel so alone, and I feel like something is missing. I need to find myself again without you.
