Besides writing and watching DVD's last night, I read a bit from A Course in Miracles and reread a little from the NA Basic Text to try to get my mind out of all the knots it seems to be tied into. It had been a while since I read The Course, so I picked up where I left off and this paragraph spoke to me:
"Be comforted, and feel the Holy Spirit watching over you in love and perfect confidence in what He sees. He knows the Son of God, and shares his Father's certainty the universe rests in his gentle hands in safety and in peace. Let us consider now what he must learn, to share his Father's confidence in him. What is he, that the Creator of the universe should offer it to him and know it rests in safety? He looks upon himself not as his Father knows him. And yet it is impossible the confidence of God should be misplaced."
I don't know why, but it spoke to me, even though I don't believe that God is a he or a she, but a loving, formless, shapeless, energy, endless Source that moves through people, places, and things, but transcends time and space. That is my understanding of God anyway, as a never ending source that always was and always will be. So, I discard the whole Christianity overtones, but still get from it what I need. I've thought about it and somehow have come to the conclusion that it's The Source's will for me not to actually use drugs, but thinking about getting loaded, fantasizing about getting loaded, and writing about getting loaded, are not the same as doing it.
I'm working towards my 3rd years of clean time and as I stated before in previous blog entries, the first year was the honeymoon period for me, and the 2nd year plus is like now the shit in life has hit the fan and walking through this crap drug free is far from easy. After reading that paragraph from The Course, I read a couple of stories from the new NA Basic Text, one of them entitled, "One Third Step for Me, One Giant Leap for My Recovery." This particular story was about a guy that was raised in a loving, but strict Orthodox Jewish family. He wrote about how he hated feeling so different from others, eating different food, being made to dress differently from his peers, being brought up in a culture alien from his peers and how as a child long before drugs he first got out of himself through endless fantasy.
Damn how that hit home! He talked about trying to fly, asking God to let him fly, but it never happened. I did the same damn thing repeatedly as early as age 3, and used running to get out of myself and remember loving the rush I felt from running and going on the swings for hours at a time if I could. I hated being the tallest looking freak in the school with the biggest tits and everyone always teasing me asking how many grades I flunked in school. The guy in the story wrote about how he had big problems with the concept of God in NA because he saw "God" as this big white bearded man in the sky holding a score card of his life in one hand and a lightening bolt in the other, lol.
I had similar beliefs at one point too, thinking "God" was this bad ass godfather that promised heaven if you obeyed him, but knives, daggers, and eternal fire, brimestone, and damnation if you didn't. The story went on to describe how eventually after enough meditation and prayer, pretty soon the lightening bolt and the score card disappeared, so the dude came to his own understanding of what "God" is just like I have. Sometimes I get frustrated by the limitations imposed upon me by living in a body and having to deal with it's needs and cravings. In the spiritual realm this shit doesn't exist at all, so hell sign me up for that.
Life on earth in the physical realm is difficult as hell sometimes, although I know that still, life is precious and I've got to remember that it is even without drugs. For one thing, Erik had wanted to go to Hollywood and Crystal Lake, but when he was out here 4 years ago, we were raging dope fiends, I had been driving around in a hootchie mama car with a suspended license, always lookin over my shoulder paranoid of cops. I had every right to be paranoid because the day finally came when I couldn't avoid them, and inevitably got pulled over, had my car permanently impounded by the cops, then forced to spend a week in jail, and forced to sign up for a drug diversion program.
I couldn't stay clean for 10 weeks, then a warrant was put out for my arrest, hence my car getting impounded and thrown in jail, then being made to go to 9 month drug diversion program getting tested twice a week instead of 3 times in 10 weeks. It was stressful to say the least. So these days I don't have to look over my shoulder for cops, except when I'm speeding. I have current registration tags I didn't have to steal and there are no warrants out for my arrest so I can actually drive to Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter without having to drive under extreme paranoia or not at all. Reading those passages out of those books reminded me too that I'm alot more helpful to others and myself clean instead of loaded.
Since I was given the writing talent then it is God's will that I write. As far as this damn weight goes, I've asked The Source either to make me feel ok about it or help me get rid of it. I get impatient because in those 2 matters, writing and staying thin are not as simple as they used to be on meth, but on the other hand being a good employee, daughter, friend, and over all being a responsible, productive member of society are possible only because I'm drug free. So, I try to deal with the mental tug of war in my mind to the best of my ability. I don't go off like an emotional firecracker on others either anymore. I have some very painful memories of doing that to Aimee, my Mom, and Erik, but they've forgiven me and I love them to bits.
"Be comforted, and feel the Holy Spirit watching over you in love and perfect confidence in what He sees. He knows the Son of God, and shares his Father's certainty the universe rests in his gentle hands in safety and in peace. Let us consider now what he must learn, to share his Father's confidence in him. What is he, that the Creator of the universe should offer it to him and know it rests in safety? He looks upon himself not as his Father knows him. And yet it is impossible the confidence of God should be misplaced."
I don't know why, but it spoke to me, even though I don't believe that God is a he or a she, but a loving, formless, shapeless, energy, endless Source that moves through people, places, and things, but transcends time and space. That is my understanding of God anyway, as a never ending source that always was and always will be. So, I discard the whole Christianity overtones, but still get from it what I need. I've thought about it and somehow have come to the conclusion that it's The Source's will for me not to actually use drugs, but thinking about getting loaded, fantasizing about getting loaded, and writing about getting loaded, are not the same as doing it.
I'm working towards my 3rd years of clean time and as I stated before in previous blog entries, the first year was the honeymoon period for me, and the 2nd year plus is like now the shit in life has hit the fan and walking through this crap drug free is far from easy. After reading that paragraph from The Course, I read a couple of stories from the new NA Basic Text, one of them entitled, "One Third Step for Me, One Giant Leap for My Recovery." This particular story was about a guy that was raised in a loving, but strict Orthodox Jewish family. He wrote about how he hated feeling so different from others, eating different food, being made to dress differently from his peers, being brought up in a culture alien from his peers and how as a child long before drugs he first got out of himself through endless fantasy.
Damn how that hit home! He talked about trying to fly, asking God to let him fly, but it never happened. I did the same damn thing repeatedly as early as age 3, and used running to get out of myself and remember loving the rush I felt from running and going on the swings for hours at a time if I could. I hated being the tallest looking freak in the school with the biggest tits and everyone always teasing me asking how many grades I flunked in school. The guy in the story wrote about how he had big problems with the concept of God in NA because he saw "God" as this big white bearded man in the sky holding a score card of his life in one hand and a lightening bolt in the other, lol.
I had similar beliefs at one point too, thinking "God" was this bad ass godfather that promised heaven if you obeyed him, but knives, daggers, and eternal fire, brimestone, and damnation if you didn't. The story went on to describe how eventually after enough meditation and prayer, pretty soon the lightening bolt and the score card disappeared, so the dude came to his own understanding of what "God" is just like I have. Sometimes I get frustrated by the limitations imposed upon me by living in a body and having to deal with it's needs and cravings. In the spiritual realm this shit doesn't exist at all, so hell sign me up for that.
Life on earth in the physical realm is difficult as hell sometimes, although I know that still, life is precious and I've got to remember that it is even without drugs. For one thing, Erik had wanted to go to Hollywood and Crystal Lake, but when he was out here 4 years ago, we were raging dope fiends, I had been driving around in a hootchie mama car with a suspended license, always lookin over my shoulder paranoid of cops. I had every right to be paranoid because the day finally came when I couldn't avoid them, and inevitably got pulled over, had my car permanently impounded by the cops, then forced to spend a week in jail, and forced to sign up for a drug diversion program.
I couldn't stay clean for 10 weeks, then a warrant was put out for my arrest, hence my car getting impounded and thrown in jail, then being made to go to 9 month drug diversion program getting tested twice a week instead of 3 times in 10 weeks. It was stressful to say the least. So these days I don't have to look over my shoulder for cops, except when I'm speeding. I have current registration tags I didn't have to steal and there are no warrants out for my arrest so I can actually drive to Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter without having to drive under extreme paranoia or not at all. Reading those passages out of those books reminded me too that I'm alot more helpful to others and myself clean instead of loaded.
Since I was given the writing talent then it is God's will that I write. As far as this damn weight goes, I've asked The Source either to make me feel ok about it or help me get rid of it. I get impatient because in those 2 matters, writing and staying thin are not as simple as they used to be on meth, but on the other hand being a good employee, daughter, friend, and over all being a responsible, productive member of society are possible only because I'm drug free. So, I try to deal with the mental tug of war in my mind to the best of my ability. I don't go off like an emotional firecracker on others either anymore. I have some very painful memories of doing that to Aimee, my Mom, and Erik, but they've forgiven me and I love them to bits.
