(Written at work about 2:00am or so...)
My true desire is to love others, not hate or be angry with them. I got to thinking about this because at work my patient's mom is extremely rude and difficult at times. I've been giving serious consideration to switching to 4 days + 1 night a week as opposed to now, which is 4 nights + 1 day.
My day patient is difficult and hard work, but his parents treat me with kindness and respect, plus if I happen to explain why something is or is not better for their son medically, they actually listen, whereas my other patient's mom, (where I am now) does the exact opposite of my nursing advice.
So finally when she got mean & rude with me another night however long ago it was, I told her that if she no longer wanted my help then I'll go home. I was pissed, so she recanted her bitchiness a bit. I want to be fair and forgiving, but at the same time I don't have to let people treat me like shit either.
This past 2 wks, my patient's mom went off to Vietnam & I've been dealing with the dad. He is totally cool, in fact my patient sleeps most of the night when he's here, but not with that bitch of a mom around. So, maybe I need to tell her what I've told my journal, but in a professional manner of course. I did tell Kelly's (my patient) dad and he said he was going to have a chat with her mom in Vietnamese because he doesn't want to lose me.
One good thing getting clean and doing recovery has helped me with is the fact I haven't had to be a sodding people pleaser, unlike during the days I was getting loaded. I actually stick up for myself without completely losing it.
All of the research I've done on spirituality has brought me to the conclusion that we're here on this earth to help others and so long as we focus on that, there is more harmony with ourselves and others. Still, the world fills our heads with such empty values such as vanity, money, racial and class prejudiced, ect & all this other stupid meaningless bullshit.
So I've been sidetracked big time along the way with drugs, vanity, and what money can buy, not that I've ever been well off financially, in fact far from it. Still, in the past I'd always have chosen drugs and poverty over being rich and sober because without dope, because all the things that money could buy would have felt devoid of pleasure if I couldn't be buzzed or high most of the time.
Ok, perhaps maybe not quite. If I'd been rich, I could have afforded detox and rehab, and at that point I could have gone skydiving, bought sports cars to speed in the desert and take off all day to go roller coaster riding and white water rafting to get my kicks that way. I take that back, being rich would have sufficed just fine, but I guess that's it. Drugs were the poor girl's steak and lobster, roller coasters and sports cars, but you get the point.
All my enjoyable activities couldn't be enjoyed before without either meth or painkillers in my system. How the hell did I manage to get so fucked up in the head? I guess that's a moot point.
One thing I loved about shots and pills was that a partner wasn't required. I didn't need someone else for money, sex, or whatever, I was just in my own private heaven. When it comes down to it, heaven and hell are but a state of mind. So I've tried to reach that state of heaven w/o drugs, but in all honesty in the physical realm, nothing even remotely compares to the euphoria of shooting up a rig full of crystal meth or heroin and crystal meth mixed together. (That's a righteous fucking blast!)
Sometimes I've found a solace and serenity living clean and communicating with The Source daily. It's just a feeling like, "Yeah homegirl you're doing well, I'm taking care of you, so don't trip." It's a nice feeling although the heaven others have told me about or that I've read about through meditation has still eluded me. The closet conscience contact/communion I've ever had with The Source has been alone in nature or at the beach on mushrooms. Not only can I talk to The Source, but I can truly hear. The useless irritating mindless chatter that goes on in my brain ceases and I can really hear direction. If I could only get that back with or without mushrooms, I'd give up fantasies about shooting meth ever again.
So who knows if this ever will or will not come to pass. I can try to hook up with Dave, Aimee, or Linda and find out if they can score some shrooms for me. I'd rather have them than meth or heroin, and believe it or not I don't want to trip merely for the high, but I want to go back home with The Source and stay there. Sometimes life feels like separation from The Source and I don't want to be divided and have my the feeling that my heart is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces anymore. Can you understand? Of course, what will probably happen is that shrooms will be impossible to get now that I want them (maybe? hell do I? should I?), however when I didn't want them there they were.
My true desire is to love others, not hate or be angry with them. I got to thinking about this because at work my patient's mom is extremely rude and difficult at times. I've been giving serious consideration to switching to 4 days + 1 night a week as opposed to now, which is 4 nights + 1 day.
My day patient is difficult and hard work, but his parents treat me with kindness and respect, plus if I happen to explain why something is or is not better for their son medically, they actually listen, whereas my other patient's mom, (where I am now) does the exact opposite of my nursing advice.
So finally when she got mean & rude with me another night however long ago it was, I told her that if she no longer wanted my help then I'll go home. I was pissed, so she recanted her bitchiness a bit. I want to be fair and forgiving, but at the same time I don't have to let people treat me like shit either.
This past 2 wks, my patient's mom went off to Vietnam & I've been dealing with the dad. He is totally cool, in fact my patient sleeps most of the night when he's here, but not with that bitch of a mom around. So, maybe I need to tell her what I've told my journal, but in a professional manner of course. I did tell Kelly's (my patient) dad and he said he was going to have a chat with her mom in Vietnamese because he doesn't want to lose me.
One good thing getting clean and doing recovery has helped me with is the fact I haven't had to be a sodding people pleaser, unlike during the days I was getting loaded. I actually stick up for myself without completely losing it.
All of the research I've done on spirituality has brought me to the conclusion that we're here on this earth to help others and so long as we focus on that, there is more harmony with ourselves and others. Still, the world fills our heads with such empty values such as vanity, money, racial and class prejudiced, ect & all this other stupid meaningless bullshit.
So I've been sidetracked big time along the way with drugs, vanity, and what money can buy, not that I've ever been well off financially, in fact far from it. Still, in the past I'd always have chosen drugs and poverty over being rich and sober because without dope, because all the things that money could buy would have felt devoid of pleasure if I couldn't be buzzed or high most of the time.
Ok, perhaps maybe not quite. If I'd been rich, I could have afforded detox and rehab, and at that point I could have gone skydiving, bought sports cars to speed in the desert and take off all day to go roller coaster riding and white water rafting to get my kicks that way. I take that back, being rich would have sufficed just fine, but I guess that's it. Drugs were the poor girl's steak and lobster, roller coasters and sports cars, but you get the point.
All my enjoyable activities couldn't be enjoyed before without either meth or painkillers in my system. How the hell did I manage to get so fucked up in the head? I guess that's a moot point.
One thing I loved about shots and pills was that a partner wasn't required. I didn't need someone else for money, sex, or whatever, I was just in my own private heaven. When it comes down to it, heaven and hell are but a state of mind. So I've tried to reach that state of heaven w/o drugs, but in all honesty in the physical realm, nothing even remotely compares to the euphoria of shooting up a rig full of crystal meth or heroin and crystal meth mixed together. (That's a righteous fucking blast!)
Sometimes I've found a solace and serenity living clean and communicating with The Source daily. It's just a feeling like, "Yeah homegirl you're doing well, I'm taking care of you, so don't trip." It's a nice feeling although the heaven others have told me about or that I've read about through meditation has still eluded me. The closet conscience contact/communion I've ever had with The Source has been alone in nature or at the beach on mushrooms. Not only can I talk to The Source, but I can truly hear. The useless irritating mindless chatter that goes on in my brain ceases and I can really hear direction. If I could only get that back with or without mushrooms, I'd give up fantasies about shooting meth ever again.
So who knows if this ever will or will not come to pass. I can try to hook up with Dave, Aimee, or Linda and find out if they can score some shrooms for me. I'd rather have them than meth or heroin, and believe it or not I don't want to trip merely for the high, but I want to go back home with The Source and stay there. Sometimes life feels like separation from The Source and I don't want to be divided and have my the feeling that my heart is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces anymore. Can you understand? Of course, what will probably happen is that shrooms will be impossible to get now that I want them (maybe? hell do I? should I?), however when I didn't want them there they were.