After I got home early Wed morning, I've stayed inside either writing, surfing, or watching TV and talking to Brendan. It's been a lovely time off. Now I'm hoping like hell my Rx will have been approved and ready by now. Please, God. Big sigh of relief. I just called the pharmacy and yes they have my pills. I finished my bag early this morning, well most of it. I'm saving one small bit so I can get up Tuesday and get motivated. I buy small amounts of the shit only, but by the time the meth is out of my system then the opiate W/D's will return, so I would much rather take the fiorinal #3 than the tramadol. If nothing else, the kick is not quite as bad off them than it is getting off Tramadol, which is weird, but true.
I enjoyed talking to Brendan as always, but for some reason even with a little meth in my system when we were discussing sex and he asked what else I wanted, I literally fucking froze. I felt overcome with shame and I just couldn't tell him. So he asked me, "When I come to see him will I be shy?," "I don't want to be," I said. "I just want to say what it is I want, then do it" (or not if he's not into it.) The weird thing is that I know that he would not turn down my request, he'll do anything I want, well at least if it's just me and him. I've always preferred one on one sex personally. I've tried 3 ways a few different times, and yeah they were fun for something different, but it's NOT the kind of sex I'd want all the time.
Still, I know it's been 8 yrs since I had any REAL sex, after Brendan, there have been a couple of duds. The only real pleasure I got was for the fact I was I did love the guys I slept with. So why is it then that when discussing the possibility of good or great sex with a straight man that really wants me and that does NOT have a problem with limp noodle, all of a sudden I freeze up and decide there are just certain subjects that are tabboo and cannot be discussed? That's sad. I felt too ashamed to tell him, so I told myself, maybe I shouldn't be having sex. Part of it is the fact that I've been celebate for so long and became accustomed to no sex drive for quite a few years.
Then all of a sudden I talk to an ex lover one night on X and get all hot and bothered. A lot of it is him, because he knows how to turn me on. I guess I'll have plenty of time to figure this out, as I won't be seeing him any time soon, but why can't I just fucking can the inhibitions? The biggest problem is fear of how the other person might perceive me, but damn I know he wouldn't think anything bad of me, so the problem is strictly with me. I need to mellow the fuck out. Interestingly enough, one night I asked him out of all the women he'd been to bed with, are they generally good lovers or not? He said that most women are caught up in performance anxiety more than anything and therefore only a small percentage can really relax and enjoy sex.
Whoa, is he psychic or what? I thought. He blew me away because he just described me to a T, and I hate to admit that , but it's true. I did enjoy myself with him, but I was sober when we were together, and therefore a bit shy. "Was I too shy for you?," I asked him. "You were a little shy, but beautiful." I thought about maybe taking some X with me to Ireland, take a couple pills, THAT ought to do the trick. From the one time I did try X, I can see how it would be called the love drug. I told 4 people either on line or on the phone that night that I loved them. And, while that is so very true, that is completely out of character for me, so yeah no wonder I connected with him so well that night because I just said whatever was on my mind, things that are good anyway.
So, now I'm gonna head over to the pharmacy, come home, shower, get ready for work. I wrote about the week I spent in Dublin, well most of it anyway from 8 yrs ago if you wanna read the history of this story below.
I enjoyed talking to Brendan as always, but for some reason even with a little meth in my system when we were discussing sex and he asked what else I wanted, I literally fucking froze. I felt overcome with shame and I just couldn't tell him. So he asked me, "When I come to see him will I be shy?," "I don't want to be," I said. "I just want to say what it is I want, then do it" (or not if he's not into it.) The weird thing is that I know that he would not turn down my request, he'll do anything I want, well at least if it's just me and him. I've always preferred one on one sex personally. I've tried 3 ways a few different times, and yeah they were fun for something different, but it's NOT the kind of sex I'd want all the time.
Still, I know it's been 8 yrs since I had any REAL sex, after Brendan, there have been a couple of duds. The only real pleasure I got was for the fact I was I did love the guys I slept with. So why is it then that when discussing the possibility of good or great sex with a straight man that really wants me and that does NOT have a problem with limp noodle, all of a sudden I freeze up and decide there are just certain subjects that are tabboo and cannot be discussed? That's sad. I felt too ashamed to tell him, so I told myself, maybe I shouldn't be having sex. Part of it is the fact that I've been celebate for so long and became accustomed to no sex drive for quite a few years.
Then all of a sudden I talk to an ex lover one night on X and get all hot and bothered. A lot of it is him, because he knows how to turn me on. I guess I'll have plenty of time to figure this out, as I won't be seeing him any time soon, but why can't I just fucking can the inhibitions? The biggest problem is fear of how the other person might perceive me, but damn I know he wouldn't think anything bad of me, so the problem is strictly with me. I need to mellow the fuck out. Interestingly enough, one night I asked him out of all the women he'd been to bed with, are they generally good lovers or not? He said that most women are caught up in performance anxiety more than anything and therefore only a small percentage can really relax and enjoy sex.
Whoa, is he psychic or what? I thought. He blew me away because he just described me to a T, and I hate to admit that , but it's true. I did enjoy myself with him, but I was sober when we were together, and therefore a bit shy. "Was I too shy for you?," I asked him. "You were a little shy, but beautiful." I thought about maybe taking some X with me to Ireland, take a couple pills, THAT ought to do the trick. From the one time I did try X, I can see how it would be called the love drug. I told 4 people either on line or on the phone that night that I loved them. And, while that is so very true, that is completely out of character for me, so yeah no wonder I connected with him so well that night because I just said whatever was on my mind, things that are good anyway.
So, now I'm gonna head over to the pharmacy, come home, shower, get ready for work. I wrote about the week I spent in Dublin, well most of it anyway from 8 yrs ago if you wanna read the history of this story below.
