I'm still having a good time on my mini "vacation", but am kind of trippin bout how I'm gonna maintain tomorrow. Today I actually got a little high from my chems, because I figured out that being way conservative, only doing a little bit per shot when tolerance is high doesn't work. I fixed myself a nice chunk of meth off the large rock my dealer gave me. I did feel some heat, tingling that is well known to meth shooters in face, privates, and chest after shooting, and a hint of coughing after each shot, only because I dosed properly. Doing only .3 per shot works only when I've done no shit in 4 days. I've tended to err on the side of caution though when it comes to shooting meth or even heroin. Once a few wks back, when Aimee offered me a hit of her smack, which I RARELY accept, I drew up .1cc only. She then proceeded to fill the rig to around .4 or .5. "But isn't that too much?," I insisted. "I can't DO that much...," I began. Giving me a knowing chuckle between 2 dope fiends, one way more experienced in the matters of heroin than I am, said, "I know how much you can do." She pointed out, too, that I did have a moderate tolerance to opiates cause at the time I'd been popping 8 pain pills a day. I was amazed to find out that Aimee was, indeed right.
Had I done that measely .1cc, I'd have felt nothing. As I said earlier, though, better to err on the side of caution unless someone more experienced advises you. I did 3 shot of meth today, almost finishing my bag. I have a very small hit left that would do nothing for me now, but in 4 days if I can't get ahold of my connect in a timely manner, that will at least be enough to kill the cursed inevitable chronic fatigue that I know is going to be a gigantic fucking pain in the ass. Fuck. On one hand it's good that my supply is gone, for the fact that I know I won't do any during the 4 days I want to stop this shit. I also know if I saw my connect before Sunday, I'd give into the temptation to do a shot or 2 during the 4 days I want to be meth free. This way, if I know it's not in the house, I won't do something stupid like dipping into stash meant for later. The cut back/tapering HAS to start now! So today, I did have a fun day, actually got high instead of merely awake and horny like yesterday.
About 4 hrs ago, I took my 4 allotted painkillers with grapefruit juice. I was happy too, when the scale informed me that today I weighed 185 lbs. During the last 4 day period I was off meth, I got extremely disgusted with myself when the scale showed a weight gain of 10 lbs. "This is unfuckingbelievable!," I said to myself. It was probably due to having eaten 3 small meals from fast food places almost every day for 4 days because I was too tired and depleted of energy to want to bother with microwaving some TV dinner. That's what sucks, is the fact I'm barely able to a damn thing, no chore, or errand without it seeming like an intense unpleasant hassle. I've got the supplements, 3 of them anyway for meth come down, but even so, the lack of energy flat out sucks! I can't wait to be over this annoying, damn bullshit. It started with the Tramadol over 9 months ago, I'm sick of this crap already! Damned appetite is a fucking pain in the ass off meth as well. Sigh. I'm so sick and tired of this whole disgusting mess, FUCK! Still, like it or not, the cut back must be done. God give me the fucking strength to do what needs to be done. I think I want to finally pop 1/2 hit (which equals 1 whole dose on paper) acid after I'm done writing to seek help....
My work & sleep/wake cycle is bass akwards from the rest of the world, well 90% at least. I guess you could say I'm a sexy vampira. Even as a little kid, my natural tendency was to be up nights, then hit the sack an hour or 2 after the sunrise kisses most of the world hello. At that point, when left to my own devices, it was "goodnight" (or day) sunshine, I'm off to my respective coffin until nightfall returns once again, bringing the sunset, bidding me to wake up, come on out and join the rest of the night life, where the fun really begins.
Until I got into writing/medical, I was forced like the rest of the world to work/go to school days and sleep nights. I barely managed. As a friend of mine once said to me, "You and mornings are like oil and water." Like a true vampira, my power is significantly weaker, and vitality is never at it's peak during the day, to say the least. So for quite a few years now, for the most part, once 8am rolls around, it's off to bed for me. Thank God I have work that not only tolerates people wanting to work nights/graveyards, but encourages it. I'm lucky in that most people do NOT want to work graveyards or weekends, so that means that there is ALWAYS work available on the so called least desired shifts/hours.
It's the same with writing. I am at my peak at night, and as a writer, (what a gloriously easy postition!) solitude and concentration are required, the exception being cowriting a book with another author. Otherwise, I cannot have interruptions! I'm a creature of solitude by nature, too. I'm one of those types that has maybe 5 close lifelong friends, prefers the company of friends/others in smaller or 1 on 1 groups, instead of large ones. I love my family and friends dearly, and I'm usually able to get along very well with my fellow coworkers, (well in the past when I had them that is.) Still, I am and always have been a true blue loner, able to follow or lead, if required in short intervals, but choose neither role, whenever possible.
Being a follower is usually a pain in the ass when I don't agree with how any particular individual may lead. My main pet peeve in most cases is when in a group, usually working environment in the past, said leader's instruction is not practical and wasting a whole lot of unnecessary time. Being a leader on the other hand, while sometimes enjoyable temporarily, is also a pain in the ass, because I'm often times not sure where or how to forge a path, but end up figuring it out on my own usually, so long as I don't have interference from someone in authority pestering me with demands and inquiries. When I'm completely sure of my method, I make a damn good teacher, as my Grandfather taught me.
I HATED math, especially in High School and college, particularly algebra or other very difficult subjects such as physics or chemistry, that is until my Grandfather, an organic chemist taught me. Once he did and I learned from him, I was always amazed at how fucking simple any given subject really was. I often times don't learn well from so called conventional teaching methods, but what got me was the fact that he would teach me ways to arrive at an answer to any given mathematical equation, eliminating several confusing, and unnecessary steps when solving a problem. "If it's THAT easy, then why the hell don't these teachers simply tell us, instead of making it seem confusing, when it really isn't with all these extra unnecessary steps?"
I like to be practical and when I teach others, I keep it simple. When I know what I'm doing, I enjoy teaching/giving instruction. Otherwise I need time to figure out for myself how to acquire/perfect any given skill. Although, I can be a fun, loud, verbal smartass/comedian at times, I'm generally most definately an introvert. I was raised an only child and from day one always had my own space. I'm very generous when I can afford to be with friends/others in terms of my things or even my time, but have a very difficult, if not impossible time sharing my space for anything other than short, temporary periods. This is why I've never been married. I came very close twice. The first time with a man that was my polar opposite in terms of sharing space.
He was raised in a family of 15 siblings. They had to serve dinner in 3 groups of 5 every night because they had only a modest home and a small dining room. Sleeping arrangements were 5 boys to one room, 5 boys to another room, and the 5 girls in another. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. My friend Aimee is the same way. Although, like me raised an only child, there never was, nor still is any such thing as privacy in her household. There are 4 generations living under one roof, and while she techically has her own room, as does her Mom, her Grandmother, and her son, everyone just sort of shares everyone else's space. On any given day I visit, it's not unusual to see a couple of her son's friends kickin back in her Mom's room, or me, her, and her Mom kickin it in her son's room, but what would drive me insane is having her Mom's friends ALWAYS in and out of Aimee's space, and because of that,often times her shit gets ripped off.
For me, that is a cardinal sin. I could never conceive of allowing my friends camp out in anyone's space other than my own or designated communal areas for everyone. So, when my 1st ex fiance wanted to live with me, plus we worked at the same place, he insisted or tried to insist upon spending every free waking moment with me. He hated to be alone. I felt bad for him, but needless to say, that engagement lasted all of 4 months because after numerous talks and trying to explain to him I felt suffocated each and every time he'd intrude upon time with my Mom by showing up at her house unannounced looking for me and ending our visit, or show up at a night club on the rare occasions I'd go out with female coworkers demanding that we go home, or intrude on my alone time by showing up unannounced at my apartment.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
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. I'm quite sad about that. my boyfriend is going out with his friend drinking so I'm going to have to pick the two drunken idiots up after I get out of the club which means I can't re dose those kitties after 1 