Blogs

both the mr and baby girl managed to catch my cold somewhere between mid last week and this morning and both woke up; feeling like shit. i sent them back to our queensized bed for the day armed with medicine, movies, books, word searches and the laptop in hopes that i can keep them there. so far, so good. :D

i did my housework nice and early in the day, having it finished by 10am, so went to the store, did the grocery shopping and came home for a days cooking and chick flicking. i figured that if i spent my sunday cooking a heap of meals and froze them for the week; it would minimise my home responsibilities of a night and give me an opportunity to quarantine myself to the downstairs area of our house. so far ive cooked a home made chow mein, spaghetti sauce, chicken and mushroom risotto and vegetable frittata. i bought other odds and ends such as salads, rices, pasta and vegetable to accompany the dishes i made; and am rapt i wont have to cook this week. :D with any luck it will make midweek winding down much easier; and enjoyable for myself and my family.

ive had fun today though (cheap thrills); ive managed to watch two old school chick flicks that i adore; heathers and fried green tomatoes while pottering around, and have steel magnolias next in line (the bleeeeedin armadilla/o cake). its been lovely to have some me time; and kick around in a tracksuit after business wear all week.

were off to a friends house for dinner tonight; shes boning and stuffing a roast lamb, and i cant wait! i love visiting this particular friend and her husband; theyre awesome people who i love noshing and sharing a glass of red wine with, chatting all night. we get on like a house on fire and the laughter is never ending.

i feel organised, relaxed and refreshed. i just wish this ghastly weather would fuck off. its apparently going to rain for the next week; and hasnt stopped since last thursday. fingers crossed for an awesome friday. i have the day off and have secretly planned an amazing mother/daughter day at a theme park. wish us luck.

today at work was fantastic. i didnt start until 12:30pm and by the time id gotten in, marilyn informed me that earlier that morning a meeting was held with the women within the company to discuss team ethic, bitching, policies and embracing new members.

i stood out like dogs balls in that conversation im sure; but by the time i clocked in everyone was overly pleasant (think stepford) and it made for a smoother work environment. the time to clock out was upon me before i knew it; and i left with a smile on my face (with the added knowledge others did also; increasing my mood further). i know we women menstruate and are moody little asswipes; but if every day at work could be like today; id be a happy camper and even look forward to going to my job.

tomorrow shall be fun. its the state of origin rugby/football match; and were expected to dress in team colours. im thinking of wearing nsw colours to balance things out. im not sure though; ive gotta jet to the sports store before work tomorrow and see whats left of their stock. im still plotting my outfit and want to aim for shock value; regardless of what i choose, ill be sure to take a photo and have my clients in laughter.

i love mr cat. i came home to a bubbling pasta sauce, cuddles and him telling me to go upstairs and put on some comfy clothes before coming down for supper. i didnt argue, and by the time i came down he'd lit candles at the table; and he, the bebbe and i enjoyed a lovely meal together. it was awesome sitting and talking as a family. we then tucked little madam in, read her a book and kissed her goodnight. this whole cooking on a sunday thing is paying off; for everyone.

so much infact were off to fornicate and enjoy the evenings down time. goodnight bl.

Right before I graduated my rehab treatment, I had a relapse. I was going on two month's sober and my case manager didn't want to graduate me so soon after a relapse but he had no choice because my insurance was out and there was no way I was going to self-pay to hear the same shit I had been hearing four times a week, three hours a day, for three months.

Now I am starting to re-consider my decision about not doing self-pay or even just attending my required 4 N.A. meetings so I can go to aftercare. Reason being is that up till now...that hasn't been my only relapse. A month after my first one I had a second, then about two weeks later I had another, followed by one a week later, and I'm sure you can guess how it kept progressing. Basically now for the past 2-3 weeks I've been using heroin IV again 2-4 times within a 24-hour period. Yesterday was the first time that I had to go two days without dope and I remember feeling like I was fucking dying before I was able to go into a nearby burger king bathroom to "get well". It wasn't as bad as being dope sick was when I had my real habit but it was enough to make me go out and spend my last $40 on a 1/2 G of smack.

I can't believe how hard it is to give up this shit. It's like a part of me wants that sober life without heroin...but another part of me doesn't want to forget that comfort heroin brings.

thanks a million.

you are seriously one of the greatest women i know. no matter what time of day or what situation/s we are facing; we'll drop everything to share a coffee/glass of wine/cigarette with one another and talk.

we never intend to call one another and talk about shit going on; but we always get there somehow; and find bizarre humour in it all; eventually turning a situation we'd otherwise cry over; into one that we piss ourselves laughing over together and cracking jokes about. its so fucking therapeutic and comforting to relate to another woman on such an honest level.

so thankyou. i love our connection/friendship and all round ability to love/accept/be ourselves around each other. you are amazing, funny, smart and beautiful. thankyou SO much. xoxo

i thought id try a blog again. to not harrass bluelight staff, my husband, child and closest friends with mindless banter; but as an outlet for the inner workings of my day (highly uninteresting) for no purpose other than to let go.

everyone needs a good vent; and so do i. theres nothing dramatic or exciting going on; but my brain is boggled over with shit that id sooner flush than take on board; so here goes.

im out of induction this week; and with monday being a public holiday; the past two days at work have been very "sink or swim" with clients; and with staff. im still trying to find my niche and find where i fit in socially/ethically. the transition is awesome; yet tiring.

im trying my damnest to have an open armed policy; without coming across as a push over nor an asshole.

standing your ground with your superiors, yet maintaining solidarity and professionalism is a dirty grey area that will take at least a year to iron out; and one that im willing to work the distance towards.

today i'll openly admit (shot to the heart!); i failed miserably; by my standards.

i recieved mad feedback from my clients and boss; although my manager was pissed that i wasnt available to be there at her beck and call. too many vaginas on the dancefloor.

i much prefer working with a healthy balance of males (if not more than) and females; as it minimizes bitchiness and work politics. you get a job done. it passes; things move ahead at a rapid pace with minimal emotional envolvement; good form.

working with women theres SO much to consider; and views to contemplate; not to mention emotional/apparent professional sidelines to worry about.

its difficult finding a healthy balance this soon into my new job. all i can do is keep my wits about myself, and take one day at a time.

fingers crossed ill do well. my heart is in it; so i SHOULD succeed. im giving it my all; lets hope i flourish as a result.

i had a dude lets call him mark talk to me on saturday. the conversation went like this:

mark (22): "i went to target to layby a ps3 and they said they give 8 weeks layby; and i couldnt pay it off in 8 weeks; so i went to eb games, which was so much better because they do laybys for two months. and i got it there."

then i was at work today listening to candice (26); she was in the tea room giving advice to marie (44) after marie mentioned that with her home loan approval and the stress resulting; it was all wigging her out; and she needed valium. the conversation went like this:

marie: "and mum asked, do you have valium?"

candice: "marie! i know the doctors code to get temazepam; which is the proper name for valium. they gave it to me when my wedding plans were all over the place and i was STRESSED OUT. all you have to say is "im stressed out, and cant cope at work". that is the secret doctors code to get valium. I PROMISE YOU. you WILL GET it; just say THAT."

i sat and continued to eat my pizza from mauritos and zone out into my own universe. i have built an almost unpenetraitable wall to idiocy and stupid comments. im no fucking genius; but who needs to be with shit like that rolling off others tongues? it doesnt take a rocket scientist to KNOW those comments are fucking retarded and unwarranted in a world full of information.

its more beneficial sometimes to shut up and put up; because who the fuck wants to outsmart a halfwit? not fricken me.

i fucking hate my job somedays. thank god for italian bakeries.

deleted

i. do not. know. what to do.


my daughter will be 5 in august...and she's friggin gorgeous. seriously...gorgeous. and it scares the ever living out of me. even her doctor said she would be model material because she's all legs and will be tall and friggin slender. she will wear sweaters and sweatpants until she's thirty, there will be bars on her windows, and she will never be able to use a telephone unless it's an emergency circumstance.

but seriously i want to do things right. i want her to know her boundaries and act intelligently on her own accord. but i know just how idiotic girls 13 through 19 can be. im sooo confused as to what is right. deciding between my over protective nature and what's best for her is one of the hardest, most exhausting things i have ever dealt with.

maybe i could actually write a booklet of do's and don'ts for the world as i know of it. just tid bits of info on things everyone has to deal with in life that i have personal experience with.

baah

6/22/09

Am up late @ work again. After 2nite i have 3 nites off, thank Christ! Still i feel grateful as fuck 2 b 4tun8 enuf 2 have an easy fuckn job 4 out of 5x/wk. Am gra8ful 2 for chems, even thou am frightend by how hookd i am. My habit is big, tolerance high 4 meth, but stil i wil say this, it sure keeps me n ter tained, energetic, boredom simply dont exist n Methville, which i so adore. 2 bad my tolerance dont drop 2 significant level unles i stop 4 @ least 4 days. Am sory 2 admit i only stayd off meth 1 day, Sat & gave n2 temptation 2 dip n2 my new bag of BIG rocks late Sun PM after sleepn an eatn that day. @ least i did that, but it worries me 4 the fact that clearly makes me a heavy addict. I made a 60 bag last 5 or 6 days coz w direct conect, i dont have 2 share 1/2 my stash & tend 2 stay home more than hangn @ the den where 3+ peeps may ask 4 a bowl. Fuck that, il party 1

person out occasionally, no more. Linda buys a 40 bag, usualy does the hole damn thing n 12 hrs, then cals another conect 4 more & continues partyn. Since she is retird, she can get away w that shit, but not me. Damn those 8 paid mo i had back n 2004, not havn 2 do a damn thing cept party was the most fun ive ever had n my n tire life. Theres defo no ? bout the fact that n terms of physical/worldly pleasures, meth is my #1. Studyn spirituality has told me that worldly pleasures r temporary an mean nothn compard 2 whats REALLY important, b n 1 with God n spirit after our physical bodies r long gone an that we shud cherish/focus on spiritual principals such as prayr & meditation. I b lieve thats true, but as a body the flesh FEELS so real, ther4 my xperience on earth has been that dope is the strongest pleasure ther is no mater how diligent i was w prayr & meditation, 2 bad only MEDICATION feels like nothn betr n my ntire life. I tried 2& 1/4 yrs 2 solve my damn wt prolem & tramadol addiction, but 2 no avail. I wantd & sot healthy ways 2 get the ntense pleasure i got from meth & faild. Dont no y.

6/22/09

I'm njoyn the partyn, specialy these next 2 wks, but God help me cut back by 1/2 next mo, or im gona b n serious trouble, way worse than i already am. Sigh. I remember when i 1st lost my job back n 2004, Jan. Unemployment delayd checks til i was found not guilty by a judge 4 falsifyn info 2 the EDD. I was scared as hel, ran out of $ 2 buy dope, so 4 bout 2 mo, i was meth free. W/ds suck no matr wot, but not havn 2 go 2 work & kickn @ hm makes a huge diffrnce, so MUCH easier. That was the 1 good thing bout kickn n jail, not havn 2 hustle 2 kp roof over ur head or food n ur belly. Nothn but time 2 concentrate on getn wel & try 2 sleep AMAP. Not wantn 2 b w/o job or n jail, mind u, but not havn 2 work makes detox a hel of alot easier, so God help me succeed..I talkd 2 Aimee bout that rich guy. Hey if it workd out that he paid 4 all or part of her habit, then good 4 her. I askd conect 4 a 20 bag & a 60, but he lumpd them 2gether, so i eyebald a 20 spot & sent 2 Erik. Its good shit, hope u njoy babe. As always, luv an miss u blind. Lemme no wot u think an if u can, send me a tie please?

6/19/09

I want more chemicals!

6/20/09

I finished the last of my bag last night. Sighing, i tell myself i cant go on like this. Easy advice in theory, but feel the w/ds quickly even with the supplements in the form of chronic fatigue @ 1st, a few days later, everything feels like a fucking chore, no damn magic, no writing, no net, just work, sleep, & TV dreading the fact of havn 2 get out of bed 2 work becoz i have 2 & not wanting 2 do anything fun or social. What scares me is that i was meth free 12 days & still felt tired, crappy, not wantn 2 do n e thing. On the other hand by using frequently, i dont want 2 leave my room or the drug den, as Mom refers 2 my best friends, mainly coz i hate drivn under nfluence, also coz my room or the drug den is my playground & playtime. N spite of my disappointments with certain deals, its usually a happy & fun time and the magic is there enhanced by the chems. I felt bad not bein there 4 Jeff 2nite 4 his 2 yr clean chip, not coz i didnt want 2 c him, but due 2 the angst i felt after my afteroon dose & since i now have 2 pay $40 nstead of $10 for Rx dope, i had no opiate/barb 2 smooth out the angst. Others sense it 2. My dealer com n td i seemed rather nervous when he

askd me 2 drive 2 unfam territory. My pt's mom wonderd y my toes were clutchn my sandals, again when she askd me 2 do unfam routine last Tues. I wasnt really spun, but nervous ticks or idiosyncrisies appear n odd ways. Dave comentd once bout how i touch my fingers 2 my thumb, even if no meth was taken for 3 days, yet n my system. I new it would b a bad idea 2 c the NA gang & theyd prolly guess wot was up. Sigh. Sorry Jeff. Using almost daily means not bein able 2 do n e thin outside work & b alone & high + writn or bein @ the drug den, but i cant do shit away from my comfort zone high or i panic. If i dont get high most chores get done, even the 1s i hate & i can do social shit w normies, but the fuckn weight issue comes back + theres no more magic & creativity an certainly no sex. The schedule best.

6/20/09

So 15 days went by nstead of 8 last nite when i went 2 pick up Rx dope. Becoz i got my Rx b4 work, i was able 2 calm the fuck down a bit & not forcd 2 feel this angst/tension. I no 2 its a good thing im b n forced 2 cut my Rx ntake by 1/2. At least its a step n the rite direction. Ive given myself permission 2 finish the heavy meth use (approx a gram/wk i think) til the end of the month coz i specifically took next 2 Tues off so id have 3 days n a row off work 2 play. Not sure how am gonna go bout it, but perhaps best 2 cut meth use n 1/2 like i did w the pills nstead of cutn it off completely. Im hopn it would also cut back on the fatigue & complete gray outlook on life 2 start.

Like i said b4, i love playtime so much, if i had my way, id live my life all n my head b n a recluse or hangn at the den. Hell even when i was clean for 27 mo, the drug den friends were the only ones i cud socialize with due 2 my workn graveyard + wk/ends. I sleep n the day, they r the only 1s that r not confined 2 normie hrs. I didnt c them a lot, as the chem magic was missn from my life & when i saw the fun they were havn, i wantd 2 get high 2, but cudnt, so didnt c much of them, but always felt welcome there+they r a part of my past, none of which my NA friends shared. Ive got my den pals + 2 guys that kept normal hrs, so that makes the den my social life. I dont need alot of friends, but am grateful 2 have at least 1 place i can go n e time an feel completely at home more than n e other friends. I only hope i manage the tapern sucesfuly startn next mo. I no i have 2 do somethin bout this asap coz it only gets worse..

6/21/09

This mornin after work, i stopd @ dealer's as agred, but no answer when i called. Sighing 2 myself, coz although nconvenient i new he wud get back 2 me & that he was prolly stil asleep. He lives close 2 wher i work so i try 2 c him on way home & sometimes it works out, others like yesterday no. I did my food shopn, did errands, came home, showrd, washd hair, then just as i was ready 2 climb n2 bed, my connect calld. I somehow new that wud hapn. He said sory he didnt show up b4, told me 2 meet him @ some spot. I went 2 wher i thought he meant, but it gets confusn, as almost every time we hook up, its a dif spot. He got pisd, & although i cud have told him hes the 1 misd our appt earlier, i held my tongue. He's my only direct connect, he has good shit + he actually connects eventually. So, i d cided 2 let the angry sarcasm slide coz i didnt want 2 piss him off 4 now. I did more erands after, came home, crashd a good 9 hrs & actualy stuck 2 the no using plan 4 the day. I want 2 take a 2 & 1/2 day break from the shit. I bought more supplements 2 ease the w/ds, am @ work now & so far feel fine. Somehow, someway i want 2 cut meth use by 1/2, c dealer 1x/wk, nstead of 2x startn next month, just like ive done w Rx dope. N fact wot i shud do is start meth cut back next wk, thats my goal. I hope i have the strength 2 make it work, but not havn 2 work next 2 Tues shud help w that. Fingers crosd coz i REALLY want & need 2 cut back on the shit, eventually get back on usn schedule of 90 days off/1 wk on. Lord give me strength..

see you on tv!

June 21, 2009
Well after waiting for a time when I could BL…the internet decides to just being a bitch. So I guess I’m stuck writing this out on word until idk some magic happens or something. I really don’t know what I’m going to do after I write this because Sean is going to still be gaming and there is really nothing I can do but stare at the fucking wall. But I kinda bet that he really doesn’t care.


Wait, I forgot lets back up. Wednesday night I went to spend some time with some friends. Movie, Pizza, talk. We go down to the same friend’s place I mentioned before. We have a few drinks, smoke a bit. But we run out. This friend runs me to the ATM and to the source for more. I never wanna drive high. Ok so…

Anyway, back to where I was. I met this guy at the bar and had a few drinks on last Thursday. We talked more. Really the story was that we were dating, almost BF and GF in my eyes. And then it was fuck and run. He just left for Christmas break without a word for a month or more. So I just picked up myself and moved on. I have told him time and time again how much it hurts and how angry I am. It seems that I am constantly filled with this anger that I have never had before and don’t really know how to handle. But he and I’m sure perhaps others, know they messed up. Hell, I’m a decent girl. And he said he kicks his own ass for it now and then. Too bad I guess.


Well I text a guy that I met before at the bar to see what he is doing. He says he is at home, like a block away. I tell him he should come up. He said he was broke. Well being the person I am, I tell him I’m running short on cash but I’ll buy him a couple drinks. So he does.


After last call, we are always looking for an after party. Well my friend offers. We head over there. We will and drink and what not. There were a lot of people there. But we smoke the rest that I have with everyone. I don’t mind sharing really, with the hope that it all comes around. But eventually I get invited to the back room, after they figure I’m cool. Drug of choice…meth. It turns out that everyone had been back there in a rotation doing it. Lol so they teach me what to do. First time for me. But after awhile it runs low and its time to start to get rid of people. Well, I have to get rid of the person I came with, well asked to by the owners. We try and try. I’ll explain why later. But we finally get him to leave with the hope that he will think I am too. I actually think he is mad at me and I felt bad for doing it. But I felt like I kinda had no choice. They wanted him gone because they didn’t trust him. He refuses all drugs other than alcohol and has a lot of moral issues we will get into later. I wonder if he will talk to me…but then again. I texted him that I was sorry, and what is done is done.


Afterwards I’m taken back to “get caught up” it’s a funny high. Honestly you just feel awake with no need to sleep or eat. Nothing like losing those annoying basic needs. It’s good. Although the guy with the stuff, well he starts texting me things I don’t want. I have a bf and he has a live in girlfriend. I stand my ground. I won’t do that to Sean. I know the gf is bi-curious and they know how I am. But 1. I don’t wanna do that to Sean, taken. No. 2. Not my type! But he just keeps on and keeps on. I start to wonder if I had agreeing if he might even forgo the gf. Guys like that are slime. But he has the stuff, AND lives with a really nice guy who I think is a really good friend in a short period of time. After smoking it every way you can, hey they are teaching me  I head to work.


I get the nasty news that I have DOUBLE the work. They fucked up on the shipping at the warehouse. So I am on the stuff and busting my ass, but start to come down. FUCK. I stay hours late. I ask the boss if I can leave because there was SO much. He says stay another hour until they are out of their meeting and he will come and look at stuff. Well FUCK THAT. He gets distracted and no one wants to fucking help me or even see if I can MAYBE leave on a FUCKING FRIDAY, when I was hoping to see Sean! After too long, I tell ppl what’s up, that I’m leaving and leave.


I text Sean to see if I can maybe come see him since I miss him so much! But he just says tomorrow. This gets me worried. But I decide perhaps it’s really best not to ask what he is doing instead. I head to the bar to meet a couple friends. But the are having a couple fight and I do NOT want to be in the middle of that. So I go sit at the bar and just chit chat. Not to bad. I get hit on a lot. This is kinda an ego boost but its not like I go there wanting it. I guess the red lipstick can work for me or something. I get texts from the ppl last night. They can’t come up to the bar but they will have a lil more stuff just before close. Well I make a friend and we got smoke some pot before then. I seem to be getting a lot of drugs for free as of late. I try to make clear that the guys don’t have a chance but you know the type that don’t give up and think that if they get you high enough you will change your mind. I think not. But hell I’ll take the drugs, even if I feel like slime sometimes for doing it. But if they offer, why bother to say no, it’s not going to change my mind.


So I get done with that and head down the block. We smoke a lil more crank. Jeez , its so nice never to be tired. It seems like some of them are ready to have their crash or head off to do other things. I decide to go home. I know that I have earned my respect there. I bring, I share, I use I offer money, which they usually turn down. I don’t bother them when I know they have it. No one likes someone always inviting themselves. You just wait, it’s appreciated. I kinda learn how all this works between us. It’s kinda a karma give and take kinda deal.


Eventually I’m hoping that I’m going to hear from Sean and I don’t wanna go over there are just crash since I’ve been up for quite awhile. So I take a sleeping pill and try to get about 7 hours sleep. And I’m still not hearing from Sean by 2 pm. The BPD is really starting to kick in. I’m upset and SCARED. He has claimed to be sick a lot, and my friends have mentioned that a lot too. He blew me off with no reason given Friday night, and I’m still not hearing from him. The BPD fear that I’m being abandoned, real or imagined is kicking in. For the first time after talking it over online with a friend for a bit I lose it. I just start crying. But FINALLY I get a text and he says its ok. I have a lot to do because hell I was about ready to give up. So I head out… but being with Sean and in light of this weekend has brought up a lot of confusing thoughts for me which I guess I’ll get to in my next blog.

Guys, relationships, feelings, wondering if you have found THE ONE. Or could there be someone else who could love you more. One thing I know for sure. I never want to be just a pretty face and a body, I want someone to truly love me, as I am, forever. Do we ever find that? Really...I'll write that up later perhaps. I've posted enough for now.

somewhere between 7pm last night and 7am this morning i caught the flu and feel like total shit. i tried braving work today and got through my full shift, before informing my boss that i wont be in tomorrow. she was disappointed, as were understaffed at the moment; but understood all the same.

so im now chilling in bed with a hot chocolate and comforter hoping that if i stay warm enough ill be able to return to work on thursday. i hate letting my team down; but all the same its not like anyone plans on being sick. im going to visit my gp tomorrow to see if theres anything i can do to speedy up the healing process and have an all round health check; he'll probably tell me that im rundown and just need some rest. i fucking hope not.

the upside of getting sick is spending a day in bed cuddling with my chihuahua. ive missed the little guy.

oh and the bosciaola; i fucked royally. the sugar in the tomatoes and passata caramelized and burned; creating a thick tomatoey toffee goop. i still have a shitload to learn about pressure cooking. thank god for the intertubes.

today i only worked a 6 and 1/2 hour shift which suited me just fine. i was home to see my daughter after school, do her homework with her and read a book together before she ran outside to play with her friends. its been almost 3 weeks since ive had the opportunity to do that; so it meant alot.

the weekend that just passed was fantastic. we visited family on saturday and ate and drank like kings; to then wake up early sunday morning, visit jack; and go shopping. i bought the mr a new pair of diesel jeans, my daughter a heap of junk jewellery that she fell in love with as well as final fantasy 12 for her ds and myself a kickass bessemer pressure cooker. its flame coloured to match all of my other bessemer cookware and i spent the afternoon yesterday making lamb shank and vegetable soup. it was a perfect winter dish and basically cooked itself. i LOVE pressure cooking and am now just brewing a bosciaola sauce for dinner this evening. its taken the effort out of cooking, and will mean ill be able to pull meals out of my ass of a night after work.

as for right now; the mr has blended up some midori splice cocktails and im enjoying one with him before calling it a night and cuddling up after dinner together to watch zoolander.

la dolce vita.

ps. and courtesy of the gorgeous mariacallas, i present to you sparking catnurse. she always sends me the sweetest messages and images; and i just had to share this one with my blog. i love that woman.

Last night, after an eventful day, I dreamt that Kathryn and I were coping with growing up in soviet Russia, where there's lots of radiation energy.

I told her to go to the local prestigious public high school and buy 2 mdma pills, even though they would really only contain tfmpp/bzp for 10 dollars each, and we would each eat one.

Kathryn's a good girl, and she would have done it, but I hated asking her to buy a Schedule I drug.

Hey, I guess you've got to take what you can get.

Ok, I took a break from this so if I repeat myself, sorry. Plus I’m going to make it shorter. My memory is shit and always has been.

Anyway, so my grandma’s lymphoma is back and is spreading to her spleen and god knows where else. The shock kinda set in after that when my mom was telling me about it. I couldn’t imagine losing her. She is my hero, the one person I truly look up to and want to be like. Almost no one can walk into her house without giving her a hug, and she will give you one even if you don’t want one.

I know someday we will lose the people we love the most, trust me I’ve been learning that all too well in the death and dying class. But I’m not ready to face that. There was a quote from a video we watched that hit me hard. Something like, when we finally bury someone, we are forced to accept the truth that we will NEVER see them again in this life time. I know deep down we all know that. But I think of the people I’ve lost and the people I could lose and what I would give to see the ones lost and never lose the ones I love. (The downfall that became the evil of Darth Vader right? Ha-ha too much Star Wars)

Anyway, I ended up writing her just a letter about how much she means to me and how strong I see she is and how much I love her. I know its not like she is FOR SURE going to die and I know it’s kinda morbid, but so many seem to regret what they never said. Plus I wanted something to warm her heart and make her smile when she got home from the hospital and all that chemo. Who knows, perhaps it could help her pain. Lord knows she would never admit she was in much pain at all.


Anyway, back to the week. I’ll make it a bit short since my memory sucks so bad and it was almost 3 weeks ago now. I suffered more panic attacks that week that I had in god knows how long. I started to get pain in my back teeth. Sean had been noticing my jaw swelling at night off and on but I just blew it off. I know I have cracked back teeth from car accidents. I think it’s one with the air bag coming under my chin so hard that it ripped all the skin off my neck that may have done it. But finally I had to try my hardest to get into the dentist. I was REALLY hoping for some painkillers. Oh not to mention perhaps a boost to dull the fact I got a FREAKING D on my exam. I don’t remember the last time I did THAT bad and its BVU! Guess that’s what I get for thinking its all too easy and I don’t need to study. I’m praying for a B in the course but at this rate I’d settle for a C.

I had been taking the ones for my headaches to help the tooth pain (that shit sucks) but they were loading with so much caffeine that I stayed up all night before going to work on Friday. I stayed late at work to TRY to get all my work done. But I couldn’t perhaps I was dragging. I have no idea. But I told them I HAD to leave. It was the ONLY way they would get me in before the weekend and I couldn’t deal with this over the freaking weekend. So I left work. The Dr said that I have been clenching my jaw, cracking my teeth further and bruising them. Hmm stress and Tramadol is my guess. But she gave me this guard to wear to move the pressure off my back teeth and sent me on my way. Jesus I can’t get shit sometimes. Oh and while I was in the dentist office it raining like freaking crazy. I had left my window down. There was a inch or more of water in my door and it took a few days for my driver’s seat to dry out!

I forget the order but, work sucking more, I find out that they took my assigned job away from me for this current week (June 21st) and made me do the one I HATE. Plus cutting my hours down to 3. At this point, in light over other recent events. Not good. Plus Sean and I had a fight and it was pretty damn hurtful but I’m not going to get into it. Oh yeah and leaving Sunday night, I almost fell down the stairs. I tried to catch myself and jammed another toe on the same foot I ran into the door with Monday! It actually still freaking hurts!

I think that brings me to the next week.
Sorry to say didn’t start much better. I didn’t get to see Sean for the whole week. I forget what it was that kept us apart. I think I he thought I should try to stay late at work (didn’t happen) or at least try to spend time with friends since I have missed that so much. Work sucked at usual. I had to go BACK to the dentist because now my front teeth hurt because the pressure was on them. But at least when I was at work I had PROOF I did really need to go to the dentist with this new clear guard I wore. Dentist said I should wear it when I’m under stress and when I sleep. Well I think work counts as stress! Fast forward to Thursday night. Still no Sean, school just sucked ass. So I texted a ex bf who I was still friends with and thought I’d go see him since he was at the bar. I got there around 10pm. And here is where the fun begins and everything gets a little complicated.

June 18, 2009

Sorry there will be so many blogs. I have a lot to write and I haven't blogged in awhile.

Alright I said that I was going to write a blog about my shitty last week. Not that this one turned out to be much better. I really hope things get better soon!

Sunday night I came home because Sean knows I can’t sleep there and I had to work the next day. Well I couldn’t sleep worth a freaking damn. So I got my ass up around for work. I got through work just dragging, I’m tired, not feeling so great and it’s a Monday. I didn’t get everything done and tell my boss that. I said that I would stay but I have classes that night. I think ok, no big deal, WRONG.

I got to class to get one of my assignments back. F. Are you kidding me 9/15? It was for my death and dying class. Questions like who do you want to be there when you die, who do you want told right away, who do you want told later. COME ON. I want who ever wants to be there to be there. My family isn’t retarded they will tell people in the when they are ready to in the order that they believe they should be told. Its not like we haven’t had to deal with death before. My family isn’t retarded. I don’t need to hold their hand and walk them though it, after I die. (Yeah that sounds strange I know). I asked her about it. I told her that I can’t FORM an opinion if I don’t HAVE an opinion. But she just wasn’t going to budge. I was pissed. SO then I sit down to take my exam, most of the questions I have no fucking idea where they are coming from! And I have ACTUALLY been going to class! So I’m about ready to cry right freaking there. Go I get done and go home, at home I run into the god damn door and think I broke my little toe on my right foot. I don’t think it’s actually BROKEN now, but I don’t know what you would call it.

But I ice it, set it, tape it and try to get some sleep which didn’t work AGAIN.

Tuesday, I got into work with a messed up toe. You never think how much you use you little toe when you walk! So I take some pain pills and on a mission to reduce the stress I’ve been feeling at work by getting what I didn’t get done Monday day plus much more. So there I go, well 2pm comes up and the manager starts helping me. I’m like, “Really, I’m fine.” He just says, “Yeah, I want to get you out of here by 2.” Um I had planned on staying late to work and now he’s not going to let me. I LOST it I was so pissed. I have so much to do. Finish truck, run and clean up back stock, run 7 pages of DC paperwork, and clean up my areas in general. Why? Because no one gave a shit while I wasn’t there, no one ever helps me, ever, no else knows what I have to do or how much. I just totally lost it. Having a panic attack and crying and shit. I think the lack of sleep was getting to me. So I calm down enough to call my boss and home and tell him the situation. Apparently he and the manager think I “Stand around talking to much.” FUCK THAT! I don’t more than the fucking manger does that’s for damn fucking sure. I explained my situation and he said I could stay an extra hour, hour and a half. Fine. I win. I end up so fucking tired from the panic attack that I only stay like 45 minutes. I was SO freaking tired after all that, that I didn’t think I could drive so I ended up sleeping in my car for a couple of hours. My HOT car, before heading home. So now I have to head home, do all the cleaning and laundry that I neglected, which took longer than expected. However my dad (step dad- Wayne) and I had like a 2 hour long talk about my grandma, which I’ll get to, my mom, my brother, my real dad and everything else. Then we got some ice cream like I was 10.Which was nice. So by the time I got to Sean’s it was like 11pm. Which is ok, we are pretty much night owls anyway. The issue starts the next morning.

Sean’s Brother has been working on the house and we wake up to banging. We had enough to we leave, pjs and all and get in my car and drive out to the “Farm”. So nice and quiet, although Sean is a blanket hog and the occasional mule making a noise. You would never think it would be that loud.

Now back to my grandma. She’s my mom’s mom and my hero. Not only is she totally bad ass, would wrestle my little brother to the ground every Christmas until her 70s. Loves to go on cross country motorcycle rides. But she also has so much strength, raising my mom and uncles once my grandpa became an alcoholic. Hell she even gets her dental work done with no Novocain. Nuts if you ask me. Dealing with my uncle ALWAYS being sick and worse and worse, until he died this year. A few months after that we learned that she had lymphoma and is was spreading pretty fast. But there she was strong as ever, letting them take bone marrow (which I have heard hurt so so bad and well and the Nulasta they give you to get red blood cells to grow from your bones. Everyone says it’s the worse pain) but she said it’s ok. Her hair was falling out and she got a wig, you would never know it was a wig. But I ask her, “doesn’t bother you that your hair is falling out?” And she just looks at me and says, “No, it’s not like my hair is long like yours hun.” But also she just shows this unconditional love. I don’t think that there could be anything in the WORLD I could do that would make my grandma love me any less. She was always there. No matter what my brother and I was doing, baseball, orchestra, track, football, choir. She was always there. Freezing her ass off at my brother’s games, even after chemo.

My mom told me that a sunflower grew and bloomed right next to Tigger's grave (she didn't plant it). This made me happy. I miss him.

I feel incredibly alone.

J.R. invited me to go to the 730 in house NA meeting, but Randy called and didn't want me to hear it!

I take Haldol and Benadryl now.
They actually help me get a good night's sleep, which is a good thing.

Got a message from and old friend whom I miss very much.
Got enough money to get my license back.
Got an HP Mini 1010NR for 50 bones.
Got some more bagels, and I didn't skimp this time...

Feeling pretty good.