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this week has been AWESOME. wednesday we had to dress up for work in state of origin colors, and being a queenslander; i decided to back the mighty maroons for the third year in a row (which happens to work in my favour, as theyve won every year since). going with my general theme of shock value, i dressed in silky short rugby shorts, a maroon pride tshirt, knee high black socks, heels and a maroon ribboned hairband. the day was hilarious. every client left my office with a major smile on their face and laughing, and the staff and i had a ball! it was a great all round day; and didnt stop there. photos were taken during the event; and as soon as they are emailed to me; ill be sure to post one.

i returned home from work to the bebbe fed, bathed and in bed; and the mr. and his best mates crowded in our lounge room, drinking beer in preparation for the game. i was still excited from the days events, so put a bunch of cocktail nibblies in the oven, made a chip and dip platter, grabbed a beer and settled on the sofa to watch the game unfold. it was an amazing match; the last 20 minutes were exhilarating. we all jumped and screamed as the score grew closer to victory; and we won! i then left the men to their drunken debauchery/devices and headed to bed; having to work the following morning and not wanting to nurse a vicious hangover.

i woke in the morning, got ready and headed off for an early staff meeting. the meeting went well; and topics of business were addressed that i was feeling unsure about; so left it feeling educated, revived and motivated; easing the minor insecurities i was having about my new job. during that meeting it was announced that id won the employee of the month award, alongside two other colleagues, being given a certificate, gift voucher to the value of $50 (which is awesome as i need a new thin wool cardigan) and a bottle of wine for our growing collection.

all in all its been a fantastic week; and one that ive thoroughly enjoyed. :D

Everyone is asleep. I’m in the basement as usual, without the dope it feels a lot colder down here. I smoked awhile ago and took another 2mg of suboxone…I figure I won’t be able to get dope till around 8:30 – 9:00pm so that is 24 hours for the subs to wear off, I just hope this is enough to get me out of bed in the morning.

I called Friendly this morning, for those of you who don’t know he was a real good homeless friend of mine that I did a lot of heroin with, and occasionally meth while he was staying in Colorado. Kind of a best friend in sense. On Tue (June, 23 2009) was the last time I saw him and will be for a long time I’m sure. When I called him he told me he was on his bus back home...it hurts looking back on that day even though all we did was hang out in some fools shitty apartment on 13th and Downing, nodding out in the living room, barely saying shit. I wish I made more of it because now I kind of miss the homie.

Farmboy and Olive might be leaving in a few weeks here too, I don’t know what I’ll do after that. I got nobody. All my other friends stopped associating with me ever since I became a “junkie” so now all I got for friends are junkies. When they leave I don’t know how I’ll cope with being the only heroin addict left I know. If that even makes sense. Maybe if I’m lucky Olive will stay behind, Farmboy was telling me when we were fixing in the parking lot two nights ago that she might not leave with him. It would be nice having at least one person here I know. That isn't to mention they also both got a love for the needle and here in Colorado is the only place they can get it so she might stay for the drug. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Ive had attacks of trigeminal neuralgia on and off the past few days. No lying they are brutal. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the face and it goes from my head down to my nose, teeth and jaw bone.

The attacks happen randomly and are breaking through the MScontin. It got so bad the other night i had to go to the doctor. Too bad they only had demerol which is a sucky painkiller that makes me sketchy. But that with the morphine and clonazepam put me to sleep. This happens now and again when i get flare ups. Honestly i feel like killing myself because of this pain but that is not a option.

Today i woke up in pain again and depressed as fuck about it. So 2 60mg MScontins (all i have left) and 8mg's of clonazepam with some gravol should knock me the fuck out soon. Im feeling the clonazepam which is a good sign .

Soon i hopefully will be off to the land of nod and no pain.

Today,
I'm not a junkie...and I hate it. Just shows the hold a drug has on me, it feels like that's the only shit I know anymore. I was dope sick this morning...bad...it had only been a little over 24 hours too. I knew I couldn't cop till 8:00pm because I didn't have the gas to pick up my connection. Just enough to make it downtown to cop my dope with them and that was over ten hours away. I didn't feel like I could make it that long. I ended up caving in and taking some of my suboxone. I did a shot from dirty cottons and residue on my spoon this morning but it wasn't enough to even get me out of bed...yet alone get me well so I felt like I had no choice unless I spent the whole day laying around which would make my family suspicious.

You'd think even with the right medication I'd be able to beat this, but it's like I can't. Fucking heroin...I never thought being an addict would feel like this. Anyway who cares? Poor me, poor me, poor me another drink, addicts have too much self-pity right? Well we'll see if I need to take more suboxone tonight to keep the dope sickness at bay.

Now the only thing left on my mind is how long before I can slam my next dose of heroin?

I almost caved in. I was at work and a little voice in my head said 'Just one more time'. I ignored it and didn't buy that 6 pack.

It basically comes down to this... how bad do I want to get better? How bad do I want t help others?

I can handle the minor, immediate discomfort. It is much better than the future pain if I keep running from myself through drugs and alcohol.

I'm registering for classes tomorrow (Drug and Alcohol Studies). I'm excited! I can't be a junkie, alcoholic if I'm going to work in that field so time to get my shit together.

I feel sooooooo much better now that I'm back on the meds. The positives outweigh the negatives so I just need to ACCEPT that I need them to function in life.

I just need to stay out of my own way.

I'm still having a good time on my mini "vacation", but am kind of trippin bout how I'm gonna maintain tomorrow. Today I actually got a little high from my chems, because I figured out that being way conservative, only doing a little bit per shot when tolerance is high doesn't work. I fixed myself a nice chunk of meth off the large rock my dealer gave me. I did feel some heat, tingling that is well known to meth shooters in face, privates, and chest after shooting, and a hint of coughing after each shot, only because I dosed properly. Doing only .3 per shot works only when I've done no shit in 4 days. I've tended to err on the side of caution though when it comes to shooting meth or even heroin. Once a few wks back, when Aimee offered me a hit of her smack, which I RARELY accept, I drew up .1cc only. She then proceeded to fill the rig to around .4 or .5. "But isn't that too much?," I insisted. "I can't DO that much...," I began. Giving me a knowing chuckle between 2 dope fiends, one way more experienced in the matters of heroin than I am, said, "I know how much you can do." She pointed out, too, that I did have a moderate tolerance to opiates cause at the time I'd been popping 8 pain pills a day. I was amazed to find out that Aimee was, indeed right.

Had I done that measely .1cc, I'd have felt nothing. As I said earlier, though, better to err on the side of caution unless someone more experienced advises you. I did 3 shot of meth today, almost finishing my bag. I have a very small hit left that would do nothing for me now, but in 4 days if I can't get ahold of my connect in a timely manner, that will at least be enough to kill the cursed inevitable chronic fatigue that I know is going to be a gigantic fucking pain in the ass. Fuck. On one hand it's good that my supply is gone, for the fact that I know I won't do any during the 4 days I want to stop this shit. I also know if I saw my connect before Sunday, I'd give into the temptation to do a shot or 2 during the 4 days I want to be meth free. This way, if I know it's not in the house, I won't do something stupid like dipping into stash meant for later. The cut back/tapering HAS to start now! So today, I did have a fun day, actually got high instead of merely awake and horny like yesterday.

About 4 hrs ago, I took my 4 allotted painkillers with grapefruit juice. I was happy too, when the scale informed me that today I weighed 185 lbs. During the last 4 day period I was off meth, I got extremely disgusted with myself when the scale showed a weight gain of 10 lbs. "This is unfuckingbelievable!," I said to myself. It was probably due to having eaten 3 small meals from fast food places almost every day for 4 days because I was too tired and depleted of energy to want to bother with microwaving some TV dinner. That's what sucks, is the fact I'm barely able to a damn thing, no chore, or errand without it seeming like an intense unpleasant hassle. I've got the supplements, 3 of them anyway for meth come down, but even so, the lack of energy flat out sucks! I can't wait to be over this annoying, damn bullshit. It started with the Tramadol over 9 months ago, I'm sick of this crap already! Damned appetite is a fucking pain in the ass off meth as well. Sigh. I'm so sick and tired of this whole disgusting mess, FUCK! Still, like it or not, the cut back must be done. God give me the fucking strength to do what needs to be done. I think I want to finally pop 1/2 hit (which equals 1 whole dose on paper) acid after I'm done writing to seek help....

My work & sleep/wake cycle is bass akwards from the rest of the world, well 90% at least. I guess you could say I'm a sexy vampira. Even as a little kid, my natural tendency was to be up nights, then hit the sack an hour or 2 after the sunrise kisses most of the world hello. At that point, when left to my own devices, it was "goodnight" (or day) sunshine, I'm off to my respective coffin until nightfall returns once again, bringing the sunset, bidding me to wake up, come on out and join the rest of the night life, where the fun really begins.

Until I got into writing/medical, I was forced like the rest of the world to work/go to school days and sleep nights. I barely managed. As a friend of mine once said to me, "You and mornings are like oil and water." Like a true vampira, my power is significantly weaker, and vitality is never at it's peak during the day, to say the least. So for quite a few years now, for the most part, once 8am rolls around, it's off to bed for me. Thank God I have work that not only tolerates people wanting to work nights/graveyards, but encourages it. I'm lucky in that most people do NOT want to work graveyards or weekends, so that means that there is ALWAYS work available on the so called least desired shifts/hours.

It's the same with writing. I am at my peak at night, and as a writer, (what a gloriously easy postition!) solitude and concentration are required, the exception being cowriting a book with another author. Otherwise, I cannot have interruptions! I'm a creature of solitude by nature, too. I'm one of those types that has maybe 5 close lifelong friends, prefers the company of friends/others in smaller or 1 on 1 groups, instead of large ones. I love my family and friends dearly, and I'm usually able to get along very well with my fellow coworkers, (well in the past when I had them that is.) Still, I am and always have been a true blue loner, able to follow or lead, if required in short intervals, but choose neither role, whenever possible.

Being a follower is usually a pain in the ass when I don't agree with how any particular individual may lead. My main pet peeve in most cases is when in a group, usually working environment in the past, said leader's instruction is not practical and wasting a whole lot of unnecessary time. Being a leader on the other hand, while sometimes enjoyable temporarily, is also a pain in the ass, because I'm often times not sure where or how to forge a path, but end up figuring it out on my own usually, so long as I don't have interference from someone in authority pestering me with demands and inquiries. When I'm completely sure of my method, I make a damn good teacher, as my Grandfather taught me.

I HATED math, especially in High School and college, particularly algebra or other very difficult subjects such as physics or chemistry, that is until my Grandfather, an organic chemist taught me. Once he did and I learned from him, I was always amazed at how fucking simple any given subject really was. I often times don't learn well from so called conventional teaching methods, but what got me was the fact that he would teach me ways to arrive at an answer to any given mathematical equation, eliminating several confusing, and unnecessary steps when solving a problem. "If it's THAT easy, then why the hell don't these teachers simply tell us, instead of making it seem confusing, when it really isn't with all these extra unnecessary steps?"

I like to be practical and when I teach others, I keep it simple. When I know what I'm doing, I enjoy teaching/giving instruction. Otherwise I need time to figure out for myself how to acquire/perfect any given skill. Although, I can be a fun, loud, verbal smartass/comedian at times, I'm generally most definately an introvert. I was raised an only child and from day one always had my own space. I'm very generous when I can afford to be with friends/others in terms of my things or even my time, but have a very difficult, if not impossible time sharing my space for anything other than short, temporary periods. This is why I've never been married. I came very close twice. The first time with a man that was my polar opposite in terms of sharing space.

He was raised in a family of 15 siblings. They had to serve dinner in 3 groups of 5 every night because they had only a modest home and a small dining room. Sleeping arrangements were 5 boys to one room, 5 boys to another room, and the 5 girls in another. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. My friend Aimee is the same way. Although, like me raised an only child, there never was, nor still is any such thing as privacy in her household. There are 4 generations living under one roof, and while she techically has her own room, as does her Mom, her Grandmother, and her son, everyone just sort of shares everyone else's space. On any given day I visit, it's not unusual to see a couple of her son's friends kickin back in her Mom's room, or me, her, and her Mom kickin it in her son's room, but what would drive me insane is having her Mom's friends ALWAYS in and out of Aimee's space, and because of that,often times her shit gets ripped off.

For me, that is a cardinal sin. I could never conceive of allowing my friends camp out in anyone's space other than my own or designated communal areas for everyone. So, when my 1st ex fiance wanted to live with me, plus we worked at the same place, he insisted or tried to insist upon spending every free waking moment with me. He hated to be alone. I felt bad for him, but needless to say, that engagement lasted all of 4 months because after numerous talks and trying to explain to him I felt suffocated each and every time he'd intrude upon time with my Mom by showing up at her house unannounced looking for me and ending our visit, or show up at a night club on the rare occasions I'd go out with female coworkers demanding that we go home, or intrude on my alone time by showing up unannounced at my apartment.


[/B]

im going back and forth on this internal struggle and i wonder if im at a place to make any rational decisions. im enthralled, most certainly, but at exactly what depths? the point in question is debatable on account of my complete willingness to defend at any cost, but on the other hand there isnt anything to defend in this case. or i could possibly be bi est and cant see the outside perspective, or rather, wont. however, i do give myself credit on certain knowledge and judgments learned and have recently put them to good use. this seems genuine and my intuition is pushing me in that direction. i dont see how i can still feel so certain after debating logical doubts, but i kind of like it.

in other news, my hair is turning gold from swimming and being in the sun all day.

I have tried to live my life this way for years now and was so pleased to see it written somewhere, so simply....Though I was disappointed in 'superior' - I would not say superior- but a GOOD person.
Thought I'd share.........



THE WISDOM OF THE SUPERIOR PERSON

1. To have little pride and envy.
2. To have few desires and find satisfaction with simple things.
3. To lack hypocrisy and deceit.
4. To act with awareness of the consequences of one’s actions.
5. To be faithful to one’s obligations.
6. To be capable of friendship even while regarding all with
impartiality.
7. To look with pity and not anger upon those who live evilly.
8. To allow others the victory, taking onto oneself the defeat.
9. To differ from the multitude in every thought and action.
10. To keep faithfully and without pride one’s vows of chastity
and piety.

––”The Ten Signs of a Superior Man,”
paraphrased from a Tibetan text

'M' told me she loved me last night. NICE!!! I am so in love with her and its nice to hear the words come from her mouth.

She has been restraining herself because she wanted to be absolutely sure.

This is such a good feeling!

Coming home from the park festival yesterday, K suggested that her and M and I skip work on Monday and share the two tabs of acid and the 2-cb that we had been meaning to take for ages but just hadn't gotten around to.

So, on that whim, we did. It was a soft trip, but very deep, with the theme of 'letting go'. Many valuable insights. We had a balloon that night, a big helium psychedelic flower called Nelly. I had bought her at a festival and she had trailed after me the whole night, tied to my bracelet. She became such a big part of our trip for that one night that she felt like a real, physical presence. Sitting in the middle of a football field at 4 AM when the sun was just coming up, we decided to let Nelly go, a one last dignified flight of freedom instead of letting her slowly deflate. We didn't want to, because she was such an important presence, and we knew we'd miss her. But we also knew we had to let her go. And so we did, and she went up, up, up, with the wind, dancing away from us, and it was so heartbreaking and so beautiful at the same time.

It's so difficult to let go.

Although the night was beautiful, the whole of today I've had this deep feeling of loneliness in me. I know it's important to just sit with the discomfort, and listen to it without judging or regretting it. And that this also, is just a stage and will pass. A healing crisis, maybe - I'm going through a lot of things in my head, these days, you could say the past year has been one series of healing crises after another. Healing, growing, yes. But towards what? I still long to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I should get some sleep. Thank fuck I'm only working 6 hours tomorrow.

[/B]I'm enjoying my days off, man its nice to have 3 days off in a row again! I'm enjoying my chemicals too, but sadly, my tolerance is so high for meth, that I barely feel it. In the past when that's happened, that meant I needed to change brands or stop for awhile. I only have one direct connect for now. Linda has 2 others, but one has bogus shit and the other one is iffy. Maybe after my "weekend" is up, I'll just not reup until Sunday night, that way I won't be tempted to use when I'm trying to stay off the shit. Back in 2002, I had been practicing not using 90-120 days, then bought a teener and took a week off work to slam. That worked pretty well, so long as I didn't have any shit in the house aside from my "vacation" periods.

I think after 18 months or so of this specific discipline, I ended up getting stuck with way too much shit because I made a deliberate effort to stay the the fuck away from mooches, specifically Dave and Peter. Somehow, they seemed to get more of my stash than I did and it was all from being too much Mrs. Nice Guy too often. When I'm really fucked up and high, it's almost impossible for me to say no to people and people of course totally take advantage of that. That's why most of the time I stay by myself cause I can't afford to get everyone high. Anyway, the point was, when I was stuck with all that extra stash and had over a teener left over after I was done partying for the week, I had learned the discipline to not use any stash even if it was there. I want to get back to that discipline again.

Also, I've noticed for about 6 weeks now, my piss smells like strong chemicals. I drink lots of water, but this same thing happened, I noticed, at the end of 2006 before I stopped using for a couple years. I think that chemical smell went away after 6 wks clean and now it's back. I guess what that means is that the kidneys are not properly processing the meth or can't. That's kind of creepy to have your pee smell like chemicals. I know giving it a rest is the answer. What sucks is not so much not getting high, but having weeks or months of chronic fatigue to look forward to by not using. Sigh. Still, I hope I find the strength to bite the bullet and do it anyway.

It was good talking to Erik when he called yesterday. Unfortunately, my phone reception sucks dick when I'm at home, so we got cut off and when he called me back we got cut off again. I sent him a text telling him to expect a special card. I can't wait to hear what he thinks of it. I guess he's not doing much better than I am with chemicals, cause I guess he's doin speed now regularly in addition to however often he's doin his smack, kpins or valium, plus his daily methadone. That's the thing though. When you're short on cash, it's almost impossible to come up with cash to pay each and every day for methadone, but hell I guess out here it's just as expensive. It used to cost about $200-$240/mo, depending on the clinic you went to, back in 2004. Hell I have my hands full with just the meth and pills, in fact had to cut my pill use in 1/2, due to my insurance company charging $40 copay instead of 10.

So, I'm going to take one more hit tonight, then decide whether or not to take a hit of acid 2nite or tomorrow.
[/B]

I'm going to the club on Friday with some friends from work but hopefully I will meet up with some old friends and maybe meet some new ones. I plan on eating some kitties while I'm there but nobody else that I'm going with is going to eat them with me . I'm quite sad about that. my boyfriend is going out with his friend drinking so I'm going to have to pick the two drunken idiots up after I get out of the club which means I can't re dose those kitties after 1 . I was never really good at dancing. In fact i'm very self conscious of myself...but i'm pretty sure after the goods kick in it won't really matter to me either way. All I know is that I'm hella excited for Friday

my face found my hands, my hands found my feet. i sat curled in a fetus position in utter dismay willing the minutes by with hopelessness. the melodic chime of the water dribbling from the faucet into a steaming bath mocked the bitter cloud that enveloped my entirety.

why?! i whispered with such a force that i could feel the blood vessels in my eyes bulge. my hands displayed before me crooked with emotion, like two dried flowers drained of their innocence still reaching up for what little nourishment left they could absorb from the sun.

the tiled flooring took from me.
the tiled floor....

*sigh*

...broke my bowl.

so the search has begun for a soft new home. not to worried but still looking for the right place.

goals are to stay close to work considering i only have a bike and feet to commute.

the two days at work were very welcoming considering the incident. the chick apologized saying that she never intended for it to go that far. . . all i could say is it was done with and we all learned something. MAYBE SHE WILL SHUT HER FUCKING MOUTH from now on.

so i sit here sipping coffee enjoying the day off. .

both the mr and baby girl managed to catch my cold somewhere between mid last week and this morning and both woke up; feeling like shit. i sent them back to our queensized bed for the day armed with medicine, movies, books, word searches and the laptop in hopes that i can keep them there. so far, so good. :D

i did my housework nice and early in the day, having it finished by 10am, so went to the store, did the grocery shopping and came home for a days cooking and chick flicking. i figured that if i spent my sunday cooking a heap of meals and froze them for the week; it would minimise my home responsibilities of a night and give me an opportunity to quarantine myself to the downstairs area of our house. so far ive cooked a home made chow mein, spaghetti sauce, chicken and mushroom risotto and vegetable frittata. i bought other odds and ends such as salads, rices, pasta and vegetable to accompany the dishes i made; and am rapt i wont have to cook this week. :D with any luck it will make midweek winding down much easier; and enjoyable for myself and my family.

ive had fun today though (cheap thrills); ive managed to watch two old school chick flicks that i adore; heathers and fried green tomatoes while pottering around, and have steel magnolias next in line (the bleeeeedin armadilla/o cake). its been lovely to have some me time; and kick around in a tracksuit after business wear all week.

were off to a friends house for dinner tonight; shes boning and stuffing a roast lamb, and i cant wait! i love visiting this particular friend and her husband; theyre awesome people who i love noshing and sharing a glass of red wine with, chatting all night. we get on like a house on fire and the laughter is never ending.

i feel organised, relaxed and refreshed. i just wish this ghastly weather would fuck off. its apparently going to rain for the next week; and hasnt stopped since last thursday. fingers crossed for an awesome friday. i have the day off and have secretly planned an amazing mother/daughter day at a theme park. wish us luck.

today at work was fantastic. i didnt start until 12:30pm and by the time id gotten in, marilyn informed me that earlier that morning a meeting was held with the women within the company to discuss team ethic, bitching, policies and embracing new members.

i stood out like dogs balls in that conversation im sure; but by the time i clocked in everyone was overly pleasant (think stepford) and it made for a smoother work environment. the time to clock out was upon me before i knew it; and i left with a smile on my face (with the added knowledge others did also; increasing my mood further). i know we women menstruate and are moody little asswipes; but if every day at work could be like today; id be a happy camper and even look forward to going to my job.

tomorrow shall be fun. its the state of origin rugby/football match; and were expected to dress in team colours. im thinking of wearing nsw colours to balance things out. im not sure though; ive gotta jet to the sports store before work tomorrow and see whats left of their stock. im still plotting my outfit and want to aim for shock value; regardless of what i choose, ill be sure to take a photo and have my clients in laughter.

i love mr cat. i came home to a bubbling pasta sauce, cuddles and him telling me to go upstairs and put on some comfy clothes before coming down for supper. i didnt argue, and by the time i came down he'd lit candles at the table; and he, the bebbe and i enjoyed a lovely meal together. it was awesome sitting and talking as a family. we then tucked little madam in, read her a book and kissed her goodnight. this whole cooking on a sunday thing is paying off; for everyone.

so much infact were off to fornicate and enjoy the evenings down time. goodnight bl.

Right before I graduated my rehab treatment, I had a relapse. I was going on two month's sober and my case manager didn't want to graduate me so soon after a relapse but he had no choice because my insurance was out and there was no way I was going to self-pay to hear the same shit I had been hearing four times a week, three hours a day, for three months.

Now I am starting to re-consider my decision about not doing self-pay or even just attending my required 4 N.A. meetings so I can go to aftercare. Reason being is that up till now...that hasn't been my only relapse. A month after my first one I had a second, then about two weeks later I had another, followed by one a week later, and I'm sure you can guess how it kept progressing. Basically now for the past 2-3 weeks I've been using heroin IV again 2-4 times within a 24-hour period. Yesterday was the first time that I had to go two days without dope and I remember feeling like I was fucking dying before I was able to go into a nearby burger king bathroom to "get well". It wasn't as bad as being dope sick was when I had my real habit but it was enough to make me go out and spend my last $40 on a 1/2 G of smack.

I can't believe how hard it is to give up this shit. It's like a part of me wants that sober life without heroin...but another part of me doesn't want to forget that comfort heroin brings.

thanks a million.

you are seriously one of the greatest women i know. no matter what time of day or what situation/s we are facing; we'll drop everything to share a coffee/glass of wine/cigarette with one another and talk.

we never intend to call one another and talk about shit going on; but we always get there somehow; and find bizarre humour in it all; eventually turning a situation we'd otherwise cry over; into one that we piss ourselves laughing over together and cracking jokes about. its so fucking therapeutic and comforting to relate to another woman on such an honest level.

so thankyou. i love our connection/friendship and all round ability to love/accept/be ourselves around each other. you are amazing, funny, smart and beautiful. thankyou SO much. xoxo

i thought id try a blog again. to not harrass bluelight staff, my husband, child and closest friends with mindless banter; but as an outlet for the inner workings of my day (highly uninteresting) for no purpose other than to let go.

everyone needs a good vent; and so do i. theres nothing dramatic or exciting going on; but my brain is boggled over with shit that id sooner flush than take on board; so here goes.

im out of induction this week; and with monday being a public holiday; the past two days at work have been very "sink or swim" with clients; and with staff. im still trying to find my niche and find where i fit in socially/ethically. the transition is awesome; yet tiring.

im trying my damnest to have an open armed policy; without coming across as a push over nor an asshole.

standing your ground with your superiors, yet maintaining solidarity and professionalism is a dirty grey area that will take at least a year to iron out; and one that im willing to work the distance towards.

today i'll openly admit (shot to the heart!); i failed miserably; by my standards.

i recieved mad feedback from my clients and boss; although my manager was pissed that i wasnt available to be there at her beck and call. too many vaginas on the dancefloor.

i much prefer working with a healthy balance of males (if not more than) and females; as it minimizes bitchiness and work politics. you get a job done. it passes; things move ahead at a rapid pace with minimal emotional envolvement; good form.

working with women theres SO much to consider; and views to contemplate; not to mention emotional/apparent professional sidelines to worry about.

its difficult finding a healthy balance this soon into my new job. all i can do is keep my wits about myself, and take one day at a time.

fingers crossed ill do well. my heart is in it; so i SHOULD succeed. im giving it my all; lets hope i flourish as a result.

i had a dude lets call him mark talk to me on saturday. the conversation went like this:

mark (22): "i went to target to layby a ps3 and they said they give 8 weeks layby; and i couldnt pay it off in 8 weeks; so i went to eb games, which was so much better because they do laybys for two months. and i got it there."

then i was at work today listening to candice (26); she was in the tea room giving advice to marie (44) after marie mentioned that with her home loan approval and the stress resulting; it was all wigging her out; and she needed valium. the conversation went like this:

marie: "and mum asked, do you have valium?"

candice: "marie! i know the doctors code to get temazepam; which is the proper name for valium. they gave it to me when my wedding plans were all over the place and i was STRESSED OUT. all you have to say is "im stressed out, and cant cope at work". that is the secret doctors code to get valium. I PROMISE YOU. you WILL GET it; just say THAT."

i sat and continued to eat my pizza from mauritos and zone out into my own universe. i have built an almost unpenetraitable wall to idiocy and stupid comments. im no fucking genius; but who needs to be with shit like that rolling off others tongues? it doesnt take a rocket scientist to KNOW those comments are fucking retarded and unwarranted in a world full of information.

its more beneficial sometimes to shut up and put up; because who the fuck wants to outsmart a halfwit? not fricken me.

i fucking hate my job somedays. thank god for italian bakeries.

deleted

i. do not. know. what to do.


my daughter will be 5 in august...and she's friggin gorgeous. seriously...gorgeous. and it scares the ever living out of me. even her doctor said she would be model material because she's all legs and will be tall and friggin slender. she will wear sweaters and sweatpants until she's thirty, there will be bars on her windows, and she will never be able to use a telephone unless it's an emergency circumstance.

but seriously i want to do things right. i want her to know her boundaries and act intelligently on her own accord. but i know just how idiotic girls 13 through 19 can be. im sooo confused as to what is right. deciding between my over protective nature and what's best for her is one of the hardest, most exhausting things i have ever dealt with.

maybe i could actually write a booklet of do's and don'ts for the world as i know of it. just tid bits of info on things everyone has to deal with in life that i have personal experience with.

baah

6/22/09

Am up late @ work again. After 2nite i have 3 nites off, thank Christ! Still i feel grateful as fuck 2 b 4tun8 enuf 2 have an easy fuckn job 4 out of 5x/wk. Am gra8ful 2 for chems, even thou am frightend by how hookd i am. My habit is big, tolerance high 4 meth, but stil i wil say this, it sure keeps me n ter tained, energetic, boredom simply dont exist n Methville, which i so adore. 2 bad my tolerance dont drop 2 significant level unles i stop 4 @ least 4 days. Am sory 2 admit i only stayd off meth 1 day, Sat & gave n2 temptation 2 dip n2 my new bag of BIG rocks late Sun PM after sleepn an eatn that day. @ least i did that, but it worries me 4 the fact that clearly makes me a heavy addict. I made a 60 bag last 5 or 6 days coz w direct conect, i dont have 2 share 1/2 my stash & tend 2 stay home more than hangn @ the den where 3+ peeps may ask 4 a bowl. Fuck that, il party 1

person out occasionally, no more. Linda buys a 40 bag, usualy does the hole damn thing n 12 hrs, then cals another conect 4 more & continues partyn. Since she is retird, she can get away w that shit, but not me. Damn those 8 paid mo i had back n 2004, not havn 2 do a damn thing cept party was the most fun ive ever had n my n tire life. Theres defo no ? bout the fact that n terms of physical/worldly pleasures, meth is my #1. Studyn spirituality has told me that worldly pleasures r temporary an mean nothn compard 2 whats REALLY important, b n 1 with God n spirit after our physical bodies r long gone an that we shud cherish/focus on spiritual principals such as prayr & meditation. I b lieve thats true, but as a body the flesh FEELS so real, ther4 my xperience on earth has been that dope is the strongest pleasure ther is no mater how diligent i was w prayr & meditation, 2 bad only MEDICATION feels like nothn betr n my ntire life. I tried 2& 1/4 yrs 2 solve my damn wt prolem & tramadol addiction, but 2 no avail. I wantd & sot healthy ways 2 get the ntense pleasure i got from meth & faild. Dont no y.

6/22/09

I'm njoyn the partyn, specialy these next 2 wks, but God help me cut back by 1/2 next mo, or im gona b n serious trouble, way worse than i already am. Sigh. I remember when i 1st lost my job back n 2004, Jan. Unemployment delayd checks til i was found not guilty by a judge 4 falsifyn info 2 the EDD. I was scared as hel, ran out of $ 2 buy dope, so 4 bout 2 mo, i was meth free. W/ds suck no matr wot, but not havn 2 go 2 work & kickn @ hm makes a huge diffrnce, so MUCH easier. That was the 1 good thing bout kickn n jail, not havn 2 hustle 2 kp roof over ur head or food n ur belly. Nothn but time 2 concentrate on getn wel & try 2 sleep AMAP. Not wantn 2 b w/o job or n jail, mind u, but not havn 2 work makes detox a hel of alot easier, so God help me succeed..I talkd 2 Aimee bout that rich guy. Hey if it workd out that he paid 4 all or part of her habit, then good 4 her. I askd conect 4 a 20 bag & a 60, but he lumpd them 2gether, so i eyebald a 20 spot & sent 2 Erik. Its good shit, hope u njoy babe. As always, luv an miss u blind. Lemme no wot u think an if u can, send me a tie please?