The chems were blissful the past few days. What makes it difficult is that my damn tolerance has gone through the roof. I did, however, manage to make my Rx painkillers last 2 wks instead of just one. That's a start. As for the other, I'm going to try to cut off shots as of tonight and abstain until Monday. That way I'll have 3 days off because I took the last 2 Tuesdays off work this month. It's hard to get back into the writing groove, the creative flow that I had when I left off 2 and 1/2 yrs ago. Mom is wondering why I never come out of my room lately, and obviously can't cop to the reason.. My new connect is cool and his shit is good. Too bad I can't fully enjoy it now, well take that back. If that were the case I'd NOT be going to work tonight cause I'd be spun too hard.
This dude from AFF who claims to be Greek, rich, 40, and live in my city has sent me like 6 emails getting all impatient and saying he'll be my sugar daddy, pay all my expenses if I fuck him. He had this disgusting picture of his long, thick cock on his profile and the state of mind I'm in these days, makes me wanna gag. I finally emailed him back saying I'm flattered and all he wants to be my sugar daddy, and trust me I sure as FUCK need money more than anything right now. Still, I have had offers to marry rich men and people tell me I'm still good looking enough to walk the streets if I had to or find some rich dude cause I guess people love the way I look. Thats something that no woman ever gets tired of hearing and yes, I'm thrilled.
Still, as I said on my questionaire, if forced to make a choice between poverty and living life otherwise the way I want or taking a high paying/high stress job or marrying a guy I sure as hell don't want to be married to, for me poverty is the lesser of 2 evils. I'm a free spirit, always have been, and that's sure not likely ever gonna change at this point or later in my life. There is a price to be paid for freedom, but fuck it, it's better than selling out. My time and my freedom are the 2 most valuable things in the world to me, other than being reasonably healthy. A demanding job or marriage would be too high maintainance for me and suck the life right out of me, WAY more so even than the drugs I take. I stopped by Aimee and Linda's last night. Didn't do much. Linda wanted me to come by and when I did, she and Aimee were all sleepy eyed and tired.
There was no point offering them any speed with Linda's tolerance, both of them needed sleep. So they put down a bed next to theirs and I took a nap for about 3 hrs. Mom called me and asked where I was. "Are you at the drug den?," same question every time. "Yes Mom, but I was asleep when you called. I'm taking a nap. I'll be home later." She continues to be suspicious as hell, although now I take annoying calls whereas over 2 yrs ago I didn't and I don't tweek and ditch work either. Learn from past mistakes. My connect had asked me to drive him to the store which I was happy to do, but even though I'd had shit like late that morning and it was already 9pm, there was enough in my system to get the paranoia to kick in whenever I'm forced to drive around anywhere not completely familiar. "You seem nervous. There's no need to trip. I'm not hot or anything."
I didn't bother explaining what the real problem was. I fucked up by forgetting to put my time sheets in the outgoing mail when I got home. The mail here normally doesn't come from anywhere between 2p-4pm, so naturally when I went out at 1:30pm, the fucker of course had already come and gone. This means little or no paycheck 2maro. Sigh. That sucks, I can survive, but I need the money. Having to fuck that gross looking 8" cock on AFF killed any horniness I might have had. One nice thing about walking the streets is that everyone had to play by my rules or no pussy, meaning 1/2 hr max for $80 a pop, no oral, hand job and sex with a rubber only. You can't exactly do that in a marriage or sugar daddy relationship. Would you believe that arrogant prick has called me on yahoo messenger 6 times and sent me 6 emails on AFF?
Fucking Christ, take a chill pill, dude. Is that desparate or what? I won't sell out or talk to him tonight, my time is so limited. Back to fucking work tonight. I can't believe how fucking fast my leisure time just flies by b4 it's time to go to work again, fuck. One of the down sides of meth is having so much fun on my own, then having 2 interrupt for work or some other responsibility. On the up side, what I love the most about meth is that it put the magic right back into my life, full force. I'm never bored on meth. I can stay holed up in one room for days on end if I have shit. That was so much fun when I had my apartment and had 6 months off work. Damn that was a blast. I wish I was rich just so I could kick back alone in my own world with my writing or hanging out at dope houses where the kind of family that lives there literally puts the FUN in dysfunction.
So Brendan continues to write, that's sweet of him. I told him it was ironic at how opposite we are from each other in lifestyle, but the net enabled him to see that there is more to me than being a dope fiend, not that we talked about it that much. Emotionally and sexually, however, I've mentally put seeing him out of my mind so have some degree of protection now, some mental distance. As for Erik, it saddens me sometimes that I can't just call him up and drive down the street to hang out and party with him once in a while, just like I get to do with Aimee and Linda. I know the whole family, 4 generations, on friendly terms with all of them, have partied with Gramma, Mom, and son. I am welcome there 24/7 and feel completely at home there. Great gramma, Linda's mom will be turning 90 next month and I only hope she continues to live a few years longer, she's healthy and all. Once she dies, Linda and Aimee will have to sell the house, take the money and move they said to Oregon, where it's cheaper to live. It saddens me to think about having to be without my only group of close using friends because once they go, I won't have anyone to talk to that understands what the fuck I'm about.
So I won't think about it. That's it for now. Must be getting ready for the salt mines, although yes I'm grateful to have even this low paying shit job that for the most part I like. I've gotten along very well with small groups of people in the work place at other companies, but have become spoiled in that most of the time I get to work alone. I'm a solitary creature by nature and work best alone anyway, plus graveyard is my natural body sleep/wake cycle. Before medical, when I was 21 or younger, it was freaken torture to have to get up and work days.
