It's 4:37am here in sunny wonderful south FL, so bare with us here. This is mainly Paige posting, Erica is here somewhere but I've got the wheels so to speak... nighttime is more my time as Erica gets terrible flashbacks and she also just spent several hours talking to our mother so that was pretty... tiring.
I want to explain where I personally fit into this mix of what is me, us, the system...
I have been with Erica since we were about three or so. Most of the rest of us have not aged and are at the same age as when we were created, but not me. In fact, I was 'Erica' before 'Erica' was 'Erica'. Does that make sense to anyone? I was the person who dealt with the outside world, before I got into a situation way over my head and Erica, as she is today, was formed. 'Erica', as she is usually, is actually only nine years old (as in, she was formed nine years ago, obviously her mindset is closer to the body's age). Erica's purpose is dissociation, to be good at it and to use it to not feel. She saw a lot of things, some in person, some online, that no one else in the system could have seen without going... batshit insane, basically.
When we were 15 we got, as the treatment center I was in for 6 weeks last year (not all at once) calls it, coercively kidnapped. Meaning, I was kidnapped, but I went willingly, with someone who I thought I could trust. Someone who I thought I loved, who didn't really exist. I was taken in by this creature, this man... he took his time. I met him on an old online RPG, and so I probably knew him since I was about 12. One night William (a different alter) was trying to commit suicide, and took a bunch of painkillers, not really knowing what they were. So he went online, and somehow started talking to this man, let's call him T for the sake of him never finding this blog (I know that's pretty much impossible).
To keep it short, T convinced Will to throw up all the pills, and we were up all night talking to T. During this period of time, Samantha (another alter) was being raped by the music teacher at school, and we were all being physically abused by our mother, but that's it as far as abuse.
I (Paige) started talking to T, and within several weeks he basically professed his love to me, and we talked on the phone for 10-12 hours (not a typo) a day for several months. This was in the middle of 1999. He came to FL to visit us in Dec. 1999, for new years. T was 19, we were 14, my parents allowed him to stay at our house. It took some convincing but T knew what to have me say to get them to give their okay. He brainwashed them through brainwashing me.
He visited several times and then moved very close to my house in April 2000. By May he had convinced me to move back with him to his home state (Louisiana) and that we would live happily ever after. My folks didn't like it, but they let it happen. T was very patient. We had done sexual things by this point, obv, but we didn't have intercourse until Oct 2000, several months after I moved to Louisiana with him. He took his time. Anyway, I had just turned 15, he was 20, and we were living in T's grandmother's house, where he had lived since turning 13.
Once getting there, it got more and more obvious that T was addicted to pornography. He was looking at child porn, but I was 15 and from what I saw it was mostly teenagers my age... so it didn't seem too weird. Little did I know, that was actually much older than he liked his girls. I was just the youngest he could muster in person that was still underage. Anyway, this is how he presented it to me, as harmless, and he said he would stop when I asked him to. He wasn't stupid, and although I didn't realize it at the time, this was his introduction to me into the world of child porn, a world I was not interested in entering.
Then, one day, after many tries at asking T to stop looking at porn, or at least underage porn, he gave me an ultimatum. I would have to deal with it or leave. At first I said I would leave then, but he convinced me to stay, that he would stop. And I chose to stay, because I was at the time naive, and I loooooved him, and that was what was important. Slowly the porn came back and became more important to him... but keeping to this time period, from about May 2000 to the end of 2000, one day T left the room and left a video open on the screen, and told me to take a look at it. I did, and that's when I left for a little hiatus. This next section may be a bit graphic so please read at your discretion:
It was a little girl, trapped in a large dog cage, being groped by several men (probably one of them being T), crying and trying to curl up into a ball, but unable to because of being tied up. It was too much for me to handle, and at that point another alter was created, the 'Erica' that speaks to you now (well, not right now, but usually).
I (Paige) could not deal with this sight - it was too disturbing for me, and 'Erica' couldn't handle it much better, but she could at least be present to make it go away. 'Erica' closed the window, told T that was disgusting, and T said oh, I left open the wrong thing... (after he re-entered the room and opened the video, and pretended to be disgusted) I never meant to download something like that, I didn't know that's what it was, etc. etc. But that was our intro into it, and once he and I got our own place a short time later, his whole world involved porn and raping/torturing us... we were literally together 24/7 up until we (the system - 'Erica') was 18. ALWAYS together. There are no words to explain how he brainwashed and used all of us, and I won't try. Needless to say, he could do no wrong and every problem we had was caused by me... and I got punished for it severely...
And life continued. Sometimes 'Erica' was there. She was there for the bad times, along with other alters, Jennifer mostly, and Timothy, and several with no names... And I was there, for the good times. Which became fewer and fewer. I did have sex willingly with him in Oct 2000, and several other times, but mostly the sex was forced, over the next several years... it may be hard to understand, but at that time, being the 'main' alter, I didn't know all of the other stuff that was going on - I had blocked out the horrible things he did to us all the time - and was only their for the good times. Surely if I had the whole picture, I would not have willingly had sex with this man, or even been near him. Of course when I did try to get away, I was always drawn back, by cries that he would kill himself if I left, or kill me, or tell the police that he 'found' a bunch of child porn on MY computer after I left (yes, how fucked up is that).
Please try to understand that even 'Erica' does not know the story of when she was created, although she does remember the scene with the caged child. I realize this is a wakeup for you, Erica... feels weird talking to you this way, but whatever. It's time to let this out of the bag, you can handle it.
And that's basically it. I gave up being the main alter, someone with a stronger stomach needed to be there... but it's unfair to her, and I am with her in wanting to unite the whole system. This chaos and fragmented memories, secrets and half-truths, has got to stop, and now...
I want to explain where I personally fit into this mix of what is me, us, the system...
I have been with Erica since we were about three or so. Most of the rest of us have not aged and are at the same age as when we were created, but not me. In fact, I was 'Erica' before 'Erica' was 'Erica'. Does that make sense to anyone? I was the person who dealt with the outside world, before I got into a situation way over my head and Erica, as she is today, was formed. 'Erica', as she is usually, is actually only nine years old (as in, she was formed nine years ago, obviously her mindset is closer to the body's age). Erica's purpose is dissociation, to be good at it and to use it to not feel. She saw a lot of things, some in person, some online, that no one else in the system could have seen without going... batshit insane, basically.
When we were 15 we got, as the treatment center I was in for 6 weeks last year (not all at once) calls it, coercively kidnapped. Meaning, I was kidnapped, but I went willingly, with someone who I thought I could trust. Someone who I thought I loved, who didn't really exist. I was taken in by this creature, this man... he took his time. I met him on an old online RPG, and so I probably knew him since I was about 12. One night William (a different alter) was trying to commit suicide, and took a bunch of painkillers, not really knowing what they were. So he went online, and somehow started talking to this man, let's call him T for the sake of him never finding this blog (I know that's pretty much impossible).
To keep it short, T convinced Will to throw up all the pills, and we were up all night talking to T. During this period of time, Samantha (another alter) was being raped by the music teacher at school, and we were all being physically abused by our mother, but that's it as far as abuse.
I (Paige) started talking to T, and within several weeks he basically professed his love to me, and we talked on the phone for 10-12 hours (not a typo) a day for several months. This was in the middle of 1999. He came to FL to visit us in Dec. 1999, for new years. T was 19, we were 14, my parents allowed him to stay at our house. It took some convincing but T knew what to have me say to get them to give their okay. He brainwashed them through brainwashing me.
He visited several times and then moved very close to my house in April 2000. By May he had convinced me to move back with him to his home state (Louisiana) and that we would live happily ever after. My folks didn't like it, but they let it happen. T was very patient. We had done sexual things by this point, obv, but we didn't have intercourse until Oct 2000, several months after I moved to Louisiana with him. He took his time. Anyway, I had just turned 15, he was 20, and we were living in T's grandmother's house, where he had lived since turning 13.
Once getting there, it got more and more obvious that T was addicted to pornography. He was looking at child porn, but I was 15 and from what I saw it was mostly teenagers my age... so it didn't seem too weird. Little did I know, that was actually much older than he liked his girls. I was just the youngest he could muster in person that was still underage. Anyway, this is how he presented it to me, as harmless, and he said he would stop when I asked him to. He wasn't stupid, and although I didn't realize it at the time, this was his introduction to me into the world of child porn, a world I was not interested in entering.
Then, one day, after many tries at asking T to stop looking at porn, or at least underage porn, he gave me an ultimatum. I would have to deal with it or leave. At first I said I would leave then, but he convinced me to stay, that he would stop. And I chose to stay, because I was at the time naive, and I loooooved him, and that was what was important. Slowly the porn came back and became more important to him... but keeping to this time period, from about May 2000 to the end of 2000, one day T left the room and left a video open on the screen, and told me to take a look at it. I did, and that's when I left for a little hiatus. This next section may be a bit graphic so please read at your discretion:
It was a little girl, trapped in a large dog cage, being groped by several men (probably one of them being T), crying and trying to curl up into a ball, but unable to because of being tied up. It was too much for me to handle, and at that point another alter was created, the 'Erica' that speaks to you now (well, not right now, but usually).
I (Paige) could not deal with this sight - it was too disturbing for me, and 'Erica' couldn't handle it much better, but she could at least be present to make it go away. 'Erica' closed the window, told T that was disgusting, and T said oh, I left open the wrong thing... (after he re-entered the room and opened the video, and pretended to be disgusted) I never meant to download something like that, I didn't know that's what it was, etc. etc. But that was our intro into it, and once he and I got our own place a short time later, his whole world involved porn and raping/torturing us... we were literally together 24/7 up until we (the system - 'Erica') was 18. ALWAYS together. There are no words to explain how he brainwashed and used all of us, and I won't try. Needless to say, he could do no wrong and every problem we had was caused by me... and I got punished for it severely...
And life continued. Sometimes 'Erica' was there. She was there for the bad times, along with other alters, Jennifer mostly, and Timothy, and several with no names... And I was there, for the good times. Which became fewer and fewer. I did have sex willingly with him in Oct 2000, and several other times, but mostly the sex was forced, over the next several years... it may be hard to understand, but at that time, being the 'main' alter, I didn't know all of the other stuff that was going on - I had blocked out the horrible things he did to us all the time - and was only their for the good times. Surely if I had the whole picture, I would not have willingly had sex with this man, or even been near him. Of course when I did try to get away, I was always drawn back, by cries that he would kill himself if I left, or kill me, or tell the police that he 'found' a bunch of child porn on MY computer after I left (yes, how fucked up is that).
Please try to understand that even 'Erica' does not know the story of when she was created, although she does remember the scene with the caged child. I realize this is a wakeup for you, Erica... feels weird talking to you this way, but whatever. It's time to let this out of the bag, you can handle it.
And that's basically it. I gave up being the main alter, someone with a stronger stomach needed to be there... but it's unfair to her, and I am with her in wanting to unite the whole system. This chaos and fragmented memories, secrets and half-truths, has got to stop, and now...
