Here is something I wrote afew days ago when I was in a very dark place after hurting my bestfriend and nearly losing her as a friend. This is the type of stuff that goes through my mind constantly when im a depressed mood.
Every morning I wake up to my alarm clock going off and I wake up thinking why the fuck didn't I die in my sleep. If god really did exist he would put me out of my misery. Everynight before I go to bed I hope that I would die in my sleep from natural causes and yet every morning I have to wake up dissapointed. Im pretty certain I don't want to live anymore but I would never have the guts to top myself. If I had the chance to save the life of a terminally ill child with my death, I wouldnt hesitate for 1 second about it. Atleast my life would of had a purpose then.
What is wrong with me? Why do I destory everything that is good in my life? Is it because i'm not happy that I must make sure I destroy my friendships with everyone that I care most about. Is it because im not happy that I must make sure my friends arn't happy? I don't mean to do it or do it on purpse, I just tend to say stupid shit that offends and hurts my friends. Why don't I think before I talk. Alot of this pain and hurt that I inflict on my friends could of been prevented if I took 1 second to think about what I was about to say, JUST ONE FUCKING SECOND! Yet I do it week after week and my friends forgive me and give me another chance. How many last chances do I get? It's already gone into double digits, i've already lost count. If I keep going the way im going I will lose the people in my life that I care most about. I've already had afew close encounters with my bestfriend nearly walking out on me yet I still havnt learnt a lesson and still hurt her by saying stupid shit.
When I hurt my friends, it hurts me just as bad as them. As soon as it comes out of my mouth I know what I said was inappropriate and wrong. Then I get hit with the instant guilt, remorse and feeling bad about myself for what I have just done. All I had to do was think about it for 1 second before I opened my big fat mouth and I would of never been put in this situation. Maybe because I keep on being forgiven I keep on doing it? Im not to sure whats wrong with me but something is definately not right in my head. What is it going to take for me to learn? Losing all my friends? Losing my family? Getting kicked out of home? I guess they say you don't realise what you have until it's gone. There is only so much shit someone can take before they give up on you and the way i'm going it wouldnt suprise me if I lost all my friends within the next couple of months.
Its obvious I know what i'm doing is wrong and bad and I do show remorse for my actions but I still do it week after week but why? I'll have a rant and a whinge about it, say it wont happen again but I can guarantee it will happen next week and the week after and the week after. Maybe I want to lose my friends? I dont know anymore. Sometimes I feel like letting go of my friends so I cant hurt them anymore but then they will think it's something they have done where its actually me which is the problem. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. It really hurts me and depresses me when I hurt my friends. Even if they forgive me I will be beating myself up for weeks about it. How come they can move on but I cant. Is it because they are strong and I am weak?
I think and hope I am a good person/friend deep down inside but a good person or friend wouldn't continuely do this to their friends would they? So does this make me a shit friend or a shit person? In my opinion yes it does. I feel really worthless and doupting myself at the moment, I dont think im a good person or even a good friend anymore. When I ask my self if I had a friend who was a clone of me, would I be friends with him? My answer is no. I don't like who I am or what I am, so how come I have afew good close friends then? What do they see inside of me that I can't see. My friends say im a good friend and a nice person even though I hurt them. I don't know if I should believe them or not because I know if I had a friend like me I definately would of gave up and walked out on them along time ago.
The funny thing is there is a trend here I have noticed. As soon as I start feeling good about myself or have a goodtime out with my friends I always just have to ruin it towards the end. I wonder if im doing this on purpose to send myself back into my depression. Do I fear being happy? Maybe I enjoy being depressed. Im not sure anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am or what the purpose of my life is. Maybe I have become acustomed to this lifestyle so as soon as things starts changing for the better I have to be my typical self and fuck everything up.
All I do is whinge and whinge about how much my life sucks yet I don't do anything about it. To be honest I don't think my life is that bad. As much as I don't talk much to my parents I do know they really love me and care about me. I do have a roof over my head, food on the table, a family, a job and a good loyal bunch of close friends and even a good bunch of aquitences. I guess my life isn't that bad when I think about it. Maybe im just a selfish spoilt little brat?
My biggest fear in life in loneliness and never experiencing a relationship with the opposite sex. I know if I keep going down the path I am going my biggest fear is going to become reality. I know what I have to do to fix my life and all I need to do is make the leap of faith, so WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DO IT!
It frustrates the shit out of me, and I feel each day gone is another day wasted and another day closer to not achieving anything.
I don't want to live this lifestyle this anymore, I thought drugs and alcohol were causing the problems but it's not the issue as i'm still doing it when i'm sober.
Hope is all that I have left. I hope one day I will change to a better person. I have to let go of the past, it can't be changed but the future can. I can get get all the therapy and medication in the world but until I start to love myself and learn to accept who I am, I don't think I will ever change. I have no love to give and can't be loved until I begin to love myself. I just hope I stop hurting my friends from now on. They don't deserve this, they have always been nice, helpful, supportive, loving and caring to me and im greatful I havnt lost anyone yet.
Im truely sorry for everything I have done to you Aurora, you are a true friend and my angel and I hope I can earn your forgiveness and trust back. Sorry for hurting you and I hope you understand I dont mean to do it. You are a very gorgeous and special girl with a big heart and i'm grateful that you are still my friend. I cant ever promise that I will never hurt you again, I cant promise that I will be a good friend or a good person, the only thing I can promise you is I will put in 110% into being a good friend and recovering to the best of my ability and I hope it is good enough. If you cant accept this, I understand and couldnt blame you but I dont want to lose you. You probably dont believe much of what I say anymore but I do truely love you like my own blood and adore you. I hope this damage is repairable and I havnt lost you for good, thats the last thing I want. If you dont want to risk any more of my bullshit, me hurting you etc and want to walk away from me for good, I understand and dont blame you. What I have done in the past 6 months is disgusting and disgraceful and no human being should have to go through this shit unless its self inflicted and you definately havnt deserved any of this. Im so sorry, I know you probably dont believe me when I say I am sorry but I truely am. Im sorry for being a shit friend to you when you have always been a good friend towards me.
You wanted to know what goes through my mind and here it is. I have no idea if it makes much sense, I was just writing down what was going through my mind.
Every morning I wake up to my alarm clock going off and I wake up thinking why the fuck didn't I die in my sleep. If god really did exist he would put me out of my misery. Everynight before I go to bed I hope that I would die in my sleep from natural causes and yet every morning I have to wake up dissapointed. Im pretty certain I don't want to live anymore but I would never have the guts to top myself. If I had the chance to save the life of a terminally ill child with my death, I wouldnt hesitate for 1 second about it. Atleast my life would of had a purpose then.
What is wrong with me? Why do I destory everything that is good in my life? Is it because i'm not happy that I must make sure I destroy my friendships with everyone that I care most about. Is it because im not happy that I must make sure my friends arn't happy? I don't mean to do it or do it on purpse, I just tend to say stupid shit that offends and hurts my friends. Why don't I think before I talk. Alot of this pain and hurt that I inflict on my friends could of been prevented if I took 1 second to think about what I was about to say, JUST ONE FUCKING SECOND! Yet I do it week after week and my friends forgive me and give me another chance. How many last chances do I get? It's already gone into double digits, i've already lost count. If I keep going the way im going I will lose the people in my life that I care most about. I've already had afew close encounters with my bestfriend nearly walking out on me yet I still havnt learnt a lesson and still hurt her by saying stupid shit.
When I hurt my friends, it hurts me just as bad as them. As soon as it comes out of my mouth I know what I said was inappropriate and wrong. Then I get hit with the instant guilt, remorse and feeling bad about myself for what I have just done. All I had to do was think about it for 1 second before I opened my big fat mouth and I would of never been put in this situation. Maybe because I keep on being forgiven I keep on doing it? Im not to sure whats wrong with me but something is definately not right in my head. What is it going to take for me to learn? Losing all my friends? Losing my family? Getting kicked out of home? I guess they say you don't realise what you have until it's gone. There is only so much shit someone can take before they give up on you and the way i'm going it wouldnt suprise me if I lost all my friends within the next couple of months.
Its obvious I know what i'm doing is wrong and bad and I do show remorse for my actions but I still do it week after week but why? I'll have a rant and a whinge about it, say it wont happen again but I can guarantee it will happen next week and the week after and the week after. Maybe I want to lose my friends? I dont know anymore. Sometimes I feel like letting go of my friends so I cant hurt them anymore but then they will think it's something they have done where its actually me which is the problem. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. It really hurts me and depresses me when I hurt my friends. Even if they forgive me I will be beating myself up for weeks about it. How come they can move on but I cant. Is it because they are strong and I am weak?
I think and hope I am a good person/friend deep down inside but a good person or friend wouldn't continuely do this to their friends would they? So does this make me a shit friend or a shit person? In my opinion yes it does. I feel really worthless and doupting myself at the moment, I dont think im a good person or even a good friend anymore. When I ask my self if I had a friend who was a clone of me, would I be friends with him? My answer is no. I don't like who I am or what I am, so how come I have afew good close friends then? What do they see inside of me that I can't see. My friends say im a good friend and a nice person even though I hurt them. I don't know if I should believe them or not because I know if I had a friend like me I definately would of gave up and walked out on them along time ago.
The funny thing is there is a trend here I have noticed. As soon as I start feeling good about myself or have a goodtime out with my friends I always just have to ruin it towards the end. I wonder if im doing this on purpose to send myself back into my depression. Do I fear being happy? Maybe I enjoy being depressed. Im not sure anymore. I dont know who I am or what I am or what the purpose of my life is. Maybe I have become acustomed to this lifestyle so as soon as things starts changing for the better I have to be my typical self and fuck everything up.
All I do is whinge and whinge about how much my life sucks yet I don't do anything about it. To be honest I don't think my life is that bad. As much as I don't talk much to my parents I do know they really love me and care about me. I do have a roof over my head, food on the table, a family, a job and a good loyal bunch of close friends and even a good bunch of aquitences. I guess my life isn't that bad when I think about it. Maybe im just a selfish spoilt little brat?
My biggest fear in life in loneliness and never experiencing a relationship with the opposite sex. I know if I keep going down the path I am going my biggest fear is going to become reality. I know what I have to do to fix my life and all I need to do is make the leap of faith, so WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST DO IT!
It frustrates the shit out of me, and I feel each day gone is another day wasted and another day closer to not achieving anything.
I don't want to live this lifestyle this anymore, I thought drugs and alcohol were causing the problems but it's not the issue as i'm still doing it when i'm sober.
Hope is all that I have left. I hope one day I will change to a better person. I have to let go of the past, it can't be changed but the future can. I can get get all the therapy and medication in the world but until I start to love myself and learn to accept who I am, I don't think I will ever change. I have no love to give and can't be loved until I begin to love myself. I just hope I stop hurting my friends from now on. They don't deserve this, they have always been nice, helpful, supportive, loving and caring to me and im greatful I havnt lost anyone yet.
Im truely sorry for everything I have done to you Aurora, you are a true friend and my angel and I hope I can earn your forgiveness and trust back. Sorry for hurting you and I hope you understand I dont mean to do it. You are a very gorgeous and special girl with a big heart and i'm grateful that you are still my friend. I cant ever promise that I will never hurt you again, I cant promise that I will be a good friend or a good person, the only thing I can promise you is I will put in 110% into being a good friend and recovering to the best of my ability and I hope it is good enough. If you cant accept this, I understand and couldnt blame you but I dont want to lose you. You probably dont believe much of what I say anymore but I do truely love you like my own blood and adore you. I hope this damage is repairable and I havnt lost you for good, thats the last thing I want. If you dont want to risk any more of my bullshit, me hurting you etc and want to walk away from me for good, I understand and dont blame you. What I have done in the past 6 months is disgusting and disgraceful and no human being should have to go through this shit unless its self inflicted and you definately havnt deserved any of this. Im so sorry, I know you probably dont believe me when I say I am sorry but I truely am. Im sorry for being a shit friend to you when you have always been a good friend towards me.
You wanted to know what goes through my mind and here it is. I have no idea if it makes much sense, I was just writing down what was going through my mind.
