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things are seeming to calm down as of late, at least for now and im enjoying every minute of it. the mother and i have come to some sort of understanding. like a mutual appreciation for one another. she was with this guy for quite some time but she broke things off with him on account of him getting on her nerves. he still tried to pursue a relationship with her but she would only call him when something at the house was broken. it was sad because i thought this guy was a really great guy and i could see he really loved my mother. but my mother would use him then avoid his calls or run to the bathroom when he randomly showed up. she even told him that if he decided to date other people she wouldnt care.
one day she rode over to his house to retrieve something of hers and she found him leaving with some woman on the back of his bike. she was shattered and couldnt believe it. at first i wanted to say, "well you asked for this" but didnt have the heart at the sight of my mom's tears, so i sat and listened to her for hours. what surprised me was her willingness to admit her faults. she's not one to down herself even when all evidence proves she was in the wrong, but this time she was actually saying how selfish she was and how she brought this upon herself. she even went as far as to say that she deserved what had just happened.
i listened to her all that night and was worried because i had never seen her so distraught over her own personal choices. and that can be worse than having someone else do something to you. i respected her for that and told her so. the next morning she was still upset and called in to work so we sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking until noon. she finally called him and found out that the woman was a friend's girlfriend who was actually about 60 years old. the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. haha she felt so stupid, she came and hugged me and said she appreciated everything i had done and for listening so intently.
that night we had my sisters and their men come over for a cook out. we all drank and had some really good times. during which my mother took me aside and drunkenly explained how much she needed what i had done for her and that i kept her sane in a moment where she could have easily lost it. then she went on to say how she respected me as a person and that i deserve to have someone in my life. that she believes i dont love for convenience and whoever i choose will be an amazing person. i cant even begin to describe how much that meant to me.
it felt good to be there for her, to be a friend to the woman who gave birth to me. to build a bridge over the rocky waters that were between us. it may not be all over, but it's a step in the right direction.

I saw 'M' tonight. She called because she didn't like how we ended. We met outside an ice cream place and talked. It was confusing because I think she thinks she made a mistake. I can't be positive about that but it really doesn't matter. Its been proven that we don't have what it takes to stay together.

I guess the lesson that keeps being thrown in my face is acceptance. I need to accept that decisions have already been made earlier. I need to accept that the actions that came after those decisions have dug a chasm between us. I need to accept that I'm not the one for her.

This breakup has impacted me. I have changed from it. I don't like it one bit.

I hate this.

I've never done a journal or a blog, but I think it might help me to try to do one.
To start with I'm a 43 year old man trying to just make it through each day. It is starting to get a tad easier, why?? Not sure yet, I think that's one reason I'm writing this blog. Maybe I'll find something out in here. Goddess only knows why I didn't kill myself this spring. Well I can't say that, I know I was only living for one reason at that point, my son. He couldn't handle losing 2 parents one after the other. I just couldn't do that to him.

On February 27th of this year my wife Margo of over 20 years died, and so did I. She had been sick for over 10 years, really seriously from late 2002 on. On June 3rd 2003 she died in my arms. She wasn't breathing, had turned blue, and I couldn't feel a pulse. I freaked out and started to shake the fuck out of her screaming in her face to come the fuck back. Don't ask me who or why but she stared to breath and make noises. So began a 2 month stay in the hospital and the beginning of the end
Even at that point we should have been happy with any extra time we had together. In 2000 a bunch of specialist from the Boston area hospitals had given Margo about a year to live. They said she had some weird auto immune disease, which was secondary to some still unknown cause. Ya great thanks for all your help.. jeez....
In the late 1990's that was about the time I threw away about 15 years of sobriety, taking the occasional pain killer or two or three. I couldn't keep up with Margo's habit, after all they we're her pills right. But fuck man she was taking ungodly amounts of pain killers. So many of them the our insurance wouldn't pay for a lot of them (too early). I didn't know much of this, I just keep finding money missing from my wallet all the time. At some point there she stole a prescription pad from a doctor and started writing her own oxy scripts. After I don't know how many she wrote, the pharmacist being really, really cool about it handed back the script and said"you better take this back and have it checked theirs something wrong with it" then gave her the don't do it again look. Drugs change you and make you do and act in ways you would never do other wise. Before my wife got sick she worked at a hospital as an operating room tech and as a assistant for a anesthesiologist. She would never had thought of stealing or writing her own prescriptions.

In the mid and late 90's even before the medical stuff with my wife, we found out both my son and my wife had an eye disease called retinal cone dystrophy. It's a degenerative eye disease that will take most of their vision. Fucking yahoo!! My wife had lost her drivers license already at that point, they said our son would never drive. His eye sight seemed at that point to be almost as bad as Margo's. Plus after Margo losing her mom, step dad, brother then best friend. Things we're just totally sucking for us.
It doesn't matter how good of a relationship you have with your mate, when things are really bad, it in time can eat into resolve and even your love. We separated two times during that time, losing the best thing we had going. We didn't stop communicating because of our son, and in time we finally got past blaming each other for letting things get in between of us, and get in our way.
The years 1995-2003 seemed so hard for us then, we didn't have any idea just how hard things could get.
Thank you for reading.

IF ANYONE EVER READS THIS, PLEASE NEVER TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GRANTED. THIS IS ONLY A FLEETING MOMENT THAT WE HAVE HERE.

Hopefully, a lot better to me. Or at least what I've went through.

In the middle of January, I contracted an osteomyelitis. A bone infection in my left hip. Like the stereotypical male I ignored it. Two weeks later, I'm covered in sweat (I don't usually - nervous system is shot due to that damn break in my neck) walking into the clinic here on campus. One of the doctors saw me shivering in the clinic's waiting room and IMMEDIATELY whisks me into a waiting room. One check of my blood pressure (60/30) and a temperature of 103 and she dials 911.

The really funny things about this is that I'm rhyming off one-liners and flirting very suggestively with the doctor. Now this is something I'd never do. I respect what they do immensely. Well, if you're going to die, what the hell. I have since apologized to her and she just laughed.

So, I get loaded into the ambulance and taken to the ICU straight past the ER. Bad huh? Yep, it's bad. My little heart can't pump enough blood to keep me alive. I start to have convulsions and shake violently on the bed. I'm immediately given IVs to help with the dehydration and low blood pressure. No luck. It helps a little bit then the BP starts to lower again. They make a call to an infectious disease doctor in Hamilton to see if there's anything. Only a new medicine that requires government approval for use. Don't have time they say. Do it anyway this doctor says. It works. My BP gets up to almost normal for me (100/60) and stays there. This drug works. If 4you thought coke in Australia was expensive get a load of this. This drug (that I have no clue what it's called) costs $1100 for each pill and I have to take 14 off them. Thank god for socialized medicine.

So now I'm in ICU and everything starts to stabilize. Except for one thing. They left me in one position on a back board for 8 hours and the little pressure sore on my hip (where the infection got into the bone) is now a large pressure sore. Fucking nurses!

I get discharged to my parents and spend the next three weeks completely on my left side on an air mattress. Do want to know the best high? The first time you sit up again and all that blood rushes to your head. Pass-out city!

And now I have nurses coming in twice a day to do the dressing. Plus, I can only spend an hour twice a day in my chair. All my other time is spent lying in bed being bored to tears. That time will grow.

I have moved back to Toronto. I'm not sure if it is the right choice but I can see the effect it was having on my parents. At least here I can do my own thing and cheat a little on that one hour.

So, everything right now is on hold. School is hold, rugby is on hold, life is on hold. Right now there are more important things to reflect on.

In regards to BL, one of the things that happens when I'm sick is that I get EXTREMELY irritable and cranky. To the point where I don't give a shit about anyone else and little things that slide off my back become issues. Many reasons for it but irrelevant here. Suffice it to say that if I offended anyone, I apologize. Generally, I know how to say things in the right way. I'm sure if I went back over my posts I'd find something, but I'm not going to spend the energy to check. I do know that I sent a PM to Damien that I hope he can ignore. Sorry bud.

On to better things...

D_T

I don't know what it is. No one just seems to want to hire me. I've been out of job for about two years, and I've had interviews and have come close to jobs, I just never seem to have the luck of landing them. My cousins both have managed to, but I can't. It's really starting to piss me off, whenever I go somewhere it just seems like they blow me off.

Seriously...a bag of some speed or junk don't sound half bad right now. Worst of all I'm considering getting one tonight. Most likely heroin, I'm always more of a fan of downers, I don't like being paranoid in the basement talking to myself...being delusional. *Sigh* It's like my life really...hasn't progressed at all. If anything it's getting less and less productive.

Today is Friday, August 1st, 2009 and it is now 3:41 PM here in Brooklyn, NYC in the US.

Music wise, currently listening to my newest Buddha Bar compilation, Volume 6 (newest acquired of course since that one is from 2002). I have been reading "Into Thin Air" by the great Jon Krakauer, writing abou his expedition on Everest where many died.

Been nearly a month and I suppose I need to fill in some blanks. The biggest thing in my life lately has been a terrible affair where a close cousin in my Clan turned informant for the US Government.

Known as "Solomon Dwek" in English my cousin Shlomo was involved in a 25 Million US scam involving kiting checks and overseas Wire Transfers. After getting pinched on that he turned State's and is the man behind the much talked about "Political Corruption Case" in the Northeast US. He got something like 40 odd blokes pinched as well (some of which are people in our own community - including amazingly 2 of our Chief Rabbis for Money Laundering). It is the case with the Rabbis and Organ Brokering that is currently all over the media.

Shlomo is in the "Witness Protection Program (sic) and that is just too bad because our family honour has been tarnished. still, he will surface and then he will have to deal with the consequences. Meanwhile we have already paid out cash to those in our community who got taken in his entrapment BS.

Nothing worse than a man who cannot handle his business, he would deserve a painful death even if he was not my kin. To try and harm others because you wish to avoid your own fate is beyond reprehensible.

In more depressing news, I believe at this point my marriage is truly over. Rizza and I are no longer even communicating. I bear her no ill will, and her family seems to be taking it the worst. I will have to head over to the Philippines and deal with the fall out no doubt, and I am not looking forward to that clusterfuck of emotion. Thank G-D we have no children, and that she is young, smart, and able to do what she wishes. I left her much better than I found her and to be honest it was her decison, not mine so...

I still will not get into it too much, it is difficult for me to talk of those very emotional things (after all the 2 or 3 people who may follow my entires will know that my whole rationale in beginning my BL Journal and Blog was to help me to deal with repressed emotions, etc.).

I am dealing with that TB I caught in Asia, and will probablly head back in late August, and then bounce... though I will remain situated in Mindanao because of my personal financial investments, as well as my friendships and other relationships there (none of which involve females for anyone that cares). I am involved with a paramilitary which I have touched upon, as well as a host of other highly involved activities that will continue to draw me be back for the foreseeable future.

I knew when I came West that I might be here for a while and that this might happen (meaning my marriage falling apart) but when it actually happens it still seems so earth shattering. I truly never expected to be on my own again in this lifetime but you cannot make someone love you, dig? In any regard I have never felt actual love in my life so it really is best for her to move past me, if I am forced to be truly honest (after all what is the point of this shit if I do NOT deal with my life honestly?).

In other news, still on methadone, only 200 mgs. now but I only dose 3 times a week, banking my dosages, especially now that the FAA has relaxed its "Liquids Ban" on airlines (FAA is a US entity but all other nations follow suit). Now I can pour my dozens of banked dosages into a larger container (especially now that I am on the cherry concentrate as opposed to that Diskette crap) and haul ass.

My MD in Mindanao kicked the bucket, but I have already found a couple of others who will write, just that they charge alot more than my old MD and they are both many hours away, etc. Besides the fact that I always like having a nice supply with me when I return (so that is why I am banking my methadone, etc.).

For the interim Rizza will remain in our Cebu house in Barnagay Tisa and I will stay on the family compound in San Franz in Mindanao. I would imagine that I will probablly start a new compound up in the hills when I get our faction in the CAFGU-SS (the private paras) up and going. Col. Lademora is going to merge with me, and we shall see how it goes. He has been operating since 1980, after leaving the PC, the former official para that was dissolved over atrocities.

He escaped War Crimes trials but then that was a time when most people carrying guns in the Philippines were committing atrocities. At least he did it against non-Bisaya (he is Illongo which is a Bisaya group as well, my wife being Cebuano, opposite ends of the Visayan Island chain).

Col. Lademora is getting on now, will not be with us much longer and his son does not have the heart for it. He (the father) always liked me alot being that I am an Israeli-Jew. When I met him in the mid-80s I gave ahim a book that he used to carry around famously, about the MOSSAD Operation made into a movie with Eric Banna...about revenge for the Munich Olympic Massacarre by the PLO's "Black September." His son just lost the mayorship of the village to my wife's uncle, the leader of the faction we are feuding with, "Uncle Allan," AKA "Uncle Asshole."

In that area (our feud) he lost all his cases against us (wink) and now has to pay us 4 Million Pesos (roughly 80,000 US) but he is of course appealing it. Mom is nervous because when he loses that appeal, if not before, there will be real bloodshed. So far one death here, one shooting there but it will be bloody in the end, they always are. Ahhh, Mindanao...Gets under your skin after a while, what can I say?

(Edited for spelling)

Im goin fo a hair cut today. I have not paid for a hair cut in well over 2 years, pruning myself and getting Paisley to do it being the less expensive option. But, its getting longer and scraggly and I feel horrible so maybe its worth shelling out to get a decent cut.

Job: in chaos, its really too busy to do things safely and correctly. I have been working too many hours for no real reward. By reward I mean an end in sight to the madness, the hope more staff will join us and the staff already employed will actually turn up.

One person who is shit hot at her job has not been coming at all for months and now doesnt even bother ringing to give sick excuses. And that seems to be perfectly fine by the management. I spat the dummy yesterday about that and a couple of other things that are my bosses responsibility to handle- to her, to her face, as politely as I could after covering this person all week. And after getting no excuses, no hope that the awol person will be disciplined at least, I said that we were chumps for bothering to turn up.

The percedent for bad behaviour has been set imo.

So at the end of yesterday my boss yelled at me in front of others then in her office. Apparently I made her feel incompetent. Now I know shes got a boss who actually is incompetent and is the source of all this shit right but thats not my problem. She said she quit anyway and didnt give a fuck. I stood up and said I no longer gave a fuck then, if she quit on us, and walked out. I had an hour to go but since I have been working at least 2-3 hours a day over, for over a week, I decided to go home and drink beer.

Im still angry.

good enough?

- I like my job
- I live in a huge victorian house now in vv, three car garage, giant deck, hot tub... very nice.
- I've been with my girlfriend for over seven months now, she's a keeper... okay, she's the one.
- I just lost an old friend last weekend who went to a redneck hospital to have a baby and wound up contracting bacterial meningitis. no bueno.

Its been almost two months since 'M' decided that she couldn't handle being with an addict. She said that even if I was clean she can't be with me because she doesn't want to live a life where I may relapse within five, ten or twenty years. She says that if I'm not stable than she isn't stable and her kids need a balanced mother.

Yes I am confused about a lot of things concerning her and I. I have a million questions that will never be asked. My confusion and my questions are contributing factors concerning my inability to move on. I realize now that it doesn't matter. She is DONE with me. No clarification of past events and statements will change that.

I need to ACCEPT that, regardless of her true reasoning, her and I will never be.

She has been on numerous dates thus far and has slept with a few of them. This hurts me to no end but its none of my business anymore. Knowledge of this brought me into the territory of suicidal planning. I believed that there was still a possibility of getting her back and couldn't understand why she would hurt me like that and complicate the process of re-uniting.

The last words from her were 'FUCK YOU!!!'. Fuck it, this is the last email I received from her which clearly indicates how she truly feels:

'I only tell someone I love them if I mean it too, you prick.
Don't you dare tell try to guilt me.
This was YOUR CHOICE!
YOUR DECISION!
YOU sent me away.
So NOW you wanna get clean? Well, then let me say it's about time and good luck and I hope you stay that way because it will be difficult for YOU to find someone and damn right I can do better.
If you need to hate me to move on than more power to you! FUCK YOU!'

I finally get it. It took a while to sink in but I finally see how much I DON'T mean to her.

Okay, so we'll do this the same as last time, and hopefully it'll work out just as nicely. To vote, just reply in this thread with your vote. For shits and giggles, write-ins will also be counted. The proposed topics are:

• Colo(u)r
• Travel
• Happiness
• Life
• Survival
• Sub-forum (specific forum to be decided in a snap poll if it wins)

Have at it! I'll close the poll Sunday evening mountain time.

On Saturday evening I was supposed to meet up with an old friend of mine, but because I didn't keep him "informed" he basically bailed on me. So I was home alone left to my own devices which was a dub of heroin I got the day before. For some reason this heroin wouldn't get dark though, it was good shit...but for some reason no matter how much I used, even if it was powder or tar I couldn't get it darker then a light brown in the barrel of the syringe. Long story short, I got myself fucked up. You know, I used to think nodding out and sleeping were pretty much similar but after that night I have never been so tired even though I spent most of it in a state of nod. I used the entire dub in one night, and didn't wake up till around 10am the next day, which i fell right back asleep till around 4pm, then again until 10pm.

I couldn't believe how much I had slept...and I was still exhausted. My cousin texted me asking if I cared if she had some people over to play beer pong which of course I had no problem with her inviting anyone over. So by the time I finally started getting up, people started arriving. I drank a little and then went to hang out with everyone outside. Since nothing was really happening I left to go get some food since I hadn't eaten in well over a day. When I got in my car before I left I smoked a bowl of pot and was on my way to get some taco bell.

When I got back the party wasn't really "poppin" if you ask me. In fact it was so dead I decided to go lay down inside...and you guessed it. I passed out again. I heard everyone leaving in the early hours of the morning, and just like clockwork dope sickness started setting in. The alcohol helped me to ignore the kicking but since I was starting to sober up I was starting to feel the withdrawal. I went to the basement and scraped a little bit of residue off my spoon and had a few left over dirty cottons which took enough edge off for me to go back to sleep for a few hours.

The hot and cold flashes woke me up around 5am, my head was throbbing, and my legs were restless. I needed to go downstairs and take some suboxone. I felt like such shit though that it took me literally 30min to get down there. I was in such discomfort I couldn't even begin to tell you. Once I got the subs in my system I started to feel relief, but after moving around so much I couldn't go back to sleep. It's 7:33 A.M. right now, guess I'll go cook breakfast since I'm sure my body is starving for food.

It’s almost time to go home
The bar is shutting down
I can hear them washing the dishes in the back
The bartender, mingling with the silence

It’s one fifty seven in the morning
The busser’s are wiping down the tables
And stacking the chairs
Cursing beneath their breath how life failed them

It’s one fifty eight in the morning
I can hear echo of a prostitute’s high heels
Clicking their way into the passenger seat of a car outside

It’s one fifty nine in the morning
I grab my coat from off the chair
And tip my hat slightly to the left
And start walking home
What a night it has been

It’s two in the morning

As I sit down to write this I wonder were to even start...

So I guess I'll start with the basics of life:

Living situation: Well my parents kicked my brother out. That was a shock and a half but perhaps it is better in the long run.

Work: Oh GOD. 2 week check for $45 dollars, it is spent and more (credit) before I get it. I don't know why they are doing this to me. A times I just want to cry. I can't pay the bills, wracking up credit I'll maybe never pay off. Not to mention student loans. I don't know what to consider on how to get SOME income. But in 8 resumes yesterday. PLEASE SOMEONE call me. It is SO hard to write this without crying. I can't live my life without money.

Drugs: Drugs were a little to blame. But not totally. Driving a half hour to work for 3 hours of work for $8 an hour. Won't cut it for anyone. Plus driving a hour round trip to school 2 times a week, and trying to see Sean because he still can't drive, 45 min 1 way.

I picked the wrong time to get into oxy and meth. $$$ But I can't afford it, so it's been 5 days sober and I guess I'm alright. It would be nice to have SOMETHING to take SOME of the depression away. It's bad.

Relationship: Well, Sean is broke too. Can't afford the car insurance or to fix the car to drive even though all the OWI stuff is oked. Plus still no job. He is looking for stuff he has he doesn't need to sell. That is a horrible place to be in.

I find myself being able to spend less time with him because of homework and money to get there...I DO NOT want to lose the person that is my rock, supporting me over and over until I can be ok. Just because of this BULLSHIT. I'm out of options and there I go nearly crying again. FUCK, I'm not gonna cry damn it.

School: Oh holy hell. I'm SO many assignments behind. I filled the profs. in on the situation and they are being VERY understanding. Thank god for psych. profs. But I'm still busting my ass to catch up to show I CARE. I can't seem to get caught up. And I don't want to do it when I'm with Sean and have him feel neglected when we have such little time together! The stress from my social work class just is through the fucking roof!

Mental Status: Oh hell. The meds aren't kicking in. I'm a mess. I hope my friend calls at night so I can go there and no be alone. I'm suicidal SO much of the time. And therapy, fuck we can't afford that shit. Hopefully the meds will be enough, they were before I believe. The stress just builds and builds and builds and all these demands, I just wanna say FUCK THIS, I'm out. I don't want to have to do this ANYMORE!

I actually went and got a rope the other day. Did nothing but look at it. Idk, maybe there is something in me that I want to live. 3 attempts and no success.... Maybe I'm praying the meds will work. Or maybe I can't do that to Sean, I just can't hurt him like that! He barely speaks about it. But when he does he says that he worries and how much that would hurt him.

He has never said it, and I start to wonder (BPD) after almost 7 months, that he loves me....I tell him. But you know what, I believe he does, he just can't say it.

I feel so alone in my pain sometimes. The emotional pain becomes a heavy hurtful pain in my chest that I cannot even describe.

I went to the family doc. to see if she would give me some k-pins to get me through until I can see the psych dr. (I bet me will tell me "deal with it" in no some many words, shouldn't have gone off the mood stablizers!). But she did. Thank god. I think she gave me 1mg and I usually get .5 but hell I'll take it if it helps enough that I can FUNCTION enough to do homework.

General Health: My foot still is giving me trouble. I see the dr on the 3rd about the cyst in the bone. I have heard, "needle in bone to drain." WHat?! NO!

I'm ok with needles, I crave them at times, and even more so lately...maybe if I get a good job .
(NO BAD LESLIE! I know.)

But in the bone?! They better knock me out and give me pain meds or I will freak the fuck out.
Any ideas on what to say???

I'm already on Tramadol and Fioricet for severe headaches. I can't use those. I have them for a reason. (Yeah, I know I can abuse them to. I'm a horrible person sometimes.)

I had a friend share his hydrocodone with me last night. I guess he figured I needed a break and some pain relief. I FINALLY worked and then it made my feet (yes both now) worse.

We were to watch a movie but I hadn't seen him so we just ended up talking.

Apparently a girl I know, whos bf was trying to get with me and we told her and she accused me of lying and whatever. Got fired for stealign $200 last night. For what? Meth. She really needs to wake the fuck up!

Lets see alll together... work, broke/money, pain, mental status down the tubes...yeah that covers it for now I guess. Yeah generally feeling like a waste of oxygen and space.
Not as bad as when I was a kid, but bad and know I'm more aware of what is actually going on...

you'll never read this, but I wish I knew how to act or what to say to not make you mad at me all the time/hurt.

you mean more to me then the world it self.

well, hopefully we'll get our tats together on tuesday eh?

Injectors
Tie rod ends
Fuel filter
Rear sway bar linkage
Brake pads, calipers, and rotors
Oil and filter


Next up is some timing chain maintenance--should be a challenge! I'm a self-taught gearhead in training with a growing tool collection that is almost respectable... Well, actually a long way from respectable. Functional, at least!

I am so fucking stupid and ugly and so not worth while.

What is the point of all this shit anyway. I thought I was doing what was good and it was all not even worth it i

I am feeling so low right now. Just so s urge and shit and cant handle it.

Cant do this. Its like im just here to be the person who has no reason to be alive so she sets the standard for all low lifes.

I have no will to live anymore.

'M' stayed over last night and had to get up somewhat early (for a Sunday). I asked what time I should set my alarm. She said 8:45.

I have NEVER been able to set my alarm on an even number minute or a minute that ends in a 5. LOL I am soooooo weird. The minute MUST, absolutely MUST be a 3, 7 or 9.

So I set my alarm for 8:47.

Anyone else odd like that?

I thought I was only hurting myself.

I thought I would get better.

I thought I meant something.

I thought I could be something.

I thought things would work.

I think I need to go.

I once knew a women
Who lived next door
I’ll never know for sure
But I’m sure she was a whore

*sigh* It seems like just about every thread I post in I say the wrong thing. I piss people off or irritate them or whatever. Then I end up feeling stupid or personally attacked because they are angry and I'm just so sensitive that it REALLY hurts me...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me that it seems that people just don't like me. Sad when I can't even make friends online. I feel rather unwanted all together. (Yeah I know this sounds like a pity party but it's just how I feel and I am allowed to feel what I feel. You can't really control how you feel and rarely how you think.) I don't know if it is just a more recent thing with my interactions or if it has been going on for awhile. I thought that I had done a lot better with my interactions in the last 6 months..........guess not. I have tried to be less attention seeking and dramatic as I'm getting my BPD symptoms under control.

Jeez I'm just a social retard maybe. No wonder I never have or had any friends. I try to be a good person, really I do. Kind, considerate, supportive, but it seems that no one sees that at all. Maybe I'm just totally fooling myself cause there are people that I bet wouldn't care if I dropped off the face of the earth. I NEVER EVER mean to hurt anyone in ANY way or drive them from what they need. Really I often try to give them what they need and help them feel better but I guess I just fucking suck.

Maybe just maybe it might be that I'm often on here when I'm spun and I don't function as well as I think I do when I'm like that. I feel like I function normally but maybe I'm just totally freaking off.

On top of this I have work and money issues, school and just a whole big scary mess with Sean (See DS social because I don't feel like writing it all out again.

So this Sunday will be my 30 days clean. That's a huge accomplishment for me, so why do I feel so down?

"You know, it's rare that people with your problem actually stay clean."

Well fuck you. I'm trying to stay positive. It feels good not to wake up sick, not to spend all day getting money, not to shove dull needles in my arm, not to worry about APD or the pen.

Of course I miss New York. What if... I know I shouldn't be thinking about the "what if's," but I always do. My best friends got locked up not long after I moved down here, and I keep thinking, what if I didn't move? Would I be right by there side?

Sometimes I feel like I pulled through this just because I have no connections, so even when I do get a craving it's not like I can act upon it. I know that if I was back in NY I would caved in a long time ago. The dope down here is different than the dope in NY so I hear... I guess there's black tar here...

And I don't want to disappoint my Father or my little brother, who already thinks of me as a junkie. I know I should do right, and I want to. I've been going to many NA meetings a week. But I did meet someone who lives like an hour and a half away who is a junkie. I know I shouldn't do dope with him, but I want to so bad. And the problem would be getting out for the night. That would mean lying, manipulating and the whole 9 yards. My Dad is just up my ass because he doesn't want me fucking up. Well, I can't blame him. God I feel like I'm in middle school again. The only social life I have is when I go to work. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to talk to...

I also noticed now that I"m not on dope it's hard to "be myself." Especially at work, I become easily embarrassed for no reason and I find it hard to talk to people.

I've also gained weight since I've been here. I know that's normal, but now that I'm not on dope it's like I'm starting to obsess about my weight again.

I know I don't have a tolerance, so the next time I do dope I'm going to be completely out of it. And for some reason that is completely appealing to me...

Hey everyone!

So the Theme of the Month worked out quite nicely, with some great entries. July's coming to a close though, so it's time to pick another topic. We'll do the same as last time: this thread will be open for suggestions for topics-- they'll be added to the current list:

• Colo(u)r
• Travel
• Happiness
• Life
• Survival

I'll keep this open until Friday evening, then we can vote this weekend, and be set with another topic on Monday.

Thanks to everyone who took part, and to everyone else who posts here!

Find someone to inject me now
With stimulant wonders that incite, "WOW!"
Maybe a contest to chug that tussin
an hour or two and I'll be rushin'
A deliriant trip would also be nice
See monkeys eating the spidery rice
I'm bloody fucking anxious and untreated
This cold fear is getting heated
Fells like the end of the line, and the start of hell
It may all be be just as well
The next right thing is a Librium shot
So my sanity doesn't quickly rot
And I end up ingesting the chemical trips
That take my life and just make rips

Three pieces of advice that I constantly give myself:

1. Don't sleep with people you work with
2. Don't sleep with people in relationships.
3. If you must do any of the above, at least don't fall for them.

But I always do it anyway.

So a couple of weeks ago I broke it off with the person who has been my clandestine lover for the past eight months or so... Partly because of my guilt, partly because I want to move on from casual sex, but also partly because my feelings for him are a lot less casual than I'd like them to be.

He's already fastened his eyes on someone else who can satisfy his intense need for validation, adoration, and - if he gets lucky - illicit sex. And it's tearing me up inside. Seeing them flirting every fucking day, the way he talks to her and smiles at her, the coy looks she gives him... Sure he probably thinks I'm a man-eating minx with enough good sense not to get emotionally involved in our strictly sexual relationship, and that that I have repeatedly rejected his latest advances and have now just had enough of the whole fucking deal, so I can't blame him for being insensitive enough to flirt with her in front of me. I wonder if he'd act any different if he knew, if he'd at least have enough respect for me to make it less obvious. Still, him finding out that I feel the way I do would hurt even more. I had an episode at work today, locked myself in the bathroom sobbing hopelessly for a good fifteen minutes, came out with red-rimmed eyes and he asked what was wrong, I said nothing much, just stuff you know, and he didn't push it.

And yet again it comes down to one of my sorest spots - the feeling of rejection, being left behind, excluded, used. I know that logically the situation is not even close to this. I broke it off, not him, and I probably appear to be a great deal more emotionally distant than I really am. Still, this is one of the feelings that comes up most in all my sexual and/or romantic situations. I've tried working on it with my therapist and alone, but can never quite get to the bottom of it. Where does this feeling of rejection come from? Why do I feel it so intensely even in situations where I have clearly not been rejected?

I know this has to be said: serves me right for fucking someone else's man, karma and all that. I don't like to know that I lack compassion to the extent of being able to be the Other Woman... But it does satisfy a lot of emotional cravings for me. No excuse though, I know exactly what I'd think of girls like me if i was on the other side of the equation. Yes, it fucking serves me right, and I agree with this. Still, I doubt it's a lesson learned.

I really hope I get over this soon.

I really love this piece by one of my favorite writers. I'm pretty sure many others may not agree with it, but those who know me well will understand and not question

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, and possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.

Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment the man rests inside of her.

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by loving.

Click to expand...

Anais Nin