Three pieces of advice that I constantly give myself:
1. Don't sleep with people you work with
2. Don't sleep with people in relationships.
3. If you must do any of the above, at least don't fall for them.
But I always do it anyway.
So a couple of weeks ago I broke it off with the person who has been my clandestine lover for the past eight months or so... Partly because of my guilt, partly because I want to move on from casual sex, but also partly because my feelings for him are a lot less casual than I'd like them to be.
He's already fastened his eyes on someone else who can satisfy his intense need for validation, adoration, and - if he gets lucky - illicit sex. And it's tearing me up inside. Seeing them flirting every fucking day, the way he talks to her and smiles at her, the coy looks she gives him... Sure he probably thinks I'm a man-eating minx with enough good sense not to get emotionally involved in our strictly sexual relationship, and that that I have repeatedly rejected his latest advances and have now just had enough of the whole fucking deal, so I can't blame him for being insensitive enough to flirt with her in front of me. I wonder if he'd act any different if he knew, if he'd at least have enough respect for me to make it less obvious. Still, him finding out that I feel the way I do would hurt even more. I had an episode at work today, locked myself in the bathroom sobbing hopelessly for a good fifteen minutes, came out with red-rimmed eyes and he asked what was wrong, I said nothing much, just stuff you know, and he didn't push it.
And yet again it comes down to one of my sorest spots - the feeling of rejection, being left behind, excluded, used. I know that logically the situation is not even close to this. I broke it off, not him, and I probably appear to be a great deal more emotionally distant than I really am. Still, this is one of the feelings that comes up most in all my sexual and/or romantic situations. I've tried working on it with my therapist and alone, but can never quite get to the bottom of it. Where does this feeling of rejection come from? Why do I feel it so intensely even in situations where I have clearly not been rejected?
I know this has to be said: serves me right for fucking someone else's man, karma and all that. I don't like to know that I lack compassion to the extent of being able to be the Other Woman... But it does satisfy a lot of emotional cravings for me. No excuse though, I know exactly what I'd think of girls like me if i was on the other side of the equation. Yes, it fucking serves me right, and I agree with this. Still, I doubt it's a lesson learned.
I really hope I get over this soon.
1. Don't sleep with people you work with
2. Don't sleep with people in relationships.
3. If you must do any of the above, at least don't fall for them.
But I always do it anyway.
So a couple of weeks ago I broke it off with the person who has been my clandestine lover for the past eight months or so... Partly because of my guilt, partly because I want to move on from casual sex, but also partly because my feelings for him are a lot less casual than I'd like them to be.
He's already fastened his eyes on someone else who can satisfy his intense need for validation, adoration, and - if he gets lucky - illicit sex. And it's tearing me up inside. Seeing them flirting every fucking day, the way he talks to her and smiles at her, the coy looks she gives him... Sure he probably thinks I'm a man-eating minx with enough good sense not to get emotionally involved in our strictly sexual relationship, and that that I have repeatedly rejected his latest advances and have now just had enough of the whole fucking deal, so I can't blame him for being insensitive enough to flirt with her in front of me. I wonder if he'd act any different if he knew, if he'd at least have enough respect for me to make it less obvious. Still, him finding out that I feel the way I do would hurt even more. I had an episode at work today, locked myself in the bathroom sobbing hopelessly for a good fifteen minutes, came out with red-rimmed eyes and he asked what was wrong, I said nothing much, just stuff you know, and he didn't push it.
And yet again it comes down to one of my sorest spots - the feeling of rejection, being left behind, excluded, used. I know that logically the situation is not even close to this. I broke it off, not him, and I probably appear to be a great deal more emotionally distant than I really am. Still, this is one of the feelings that comes up most in all my sexual and/or romantic situations. I've tried working on it with my therapist and alone, but can never quite get to the bottom of it. Where does this feeling of rejection come from? Why do I feel it so intensely even in situations where I have clearly not been rejected?
I know this has to be said: serves me right for fucking someone else's man, karma and all that. I don't like to know that I lack compassion to the extent of being able to be the Other Woman... But it does satisfy a lot of emotional cravings for me. No excuse though, I know exactly what I'd think of girls like me if i was on the other side of the equation. Yes, it fucking serves me right, and I agree with this. Still, I doubt it's a lesson learned.
I really hope I get over this soon.