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On Saturday evening I was supposed to meet up with an old friend of mine, but because I didn't keep him "informed" he basically bailed on me. So I was home alone left to my own devices which was a dub of heroin I got the day before. For some reason this heroin wouldn't get dark though, it was good shit...but for some reason no matter how much I used, even if it was powder or tar I couldn't get it darker then a light brown in the barrel of the syringe. Long story short, I got myself fucked up. You know, I used to think nodding out and sleeping were pretty much similar but after that night I have never been so tired even though I spent most of it in a state of nod. I used the entire dub in one night, and didn't wake up till around 10am the next day, which i fell right back asleep till around 4pm, then again until 10pm.

I couldn't believe how much I had slept...and I was still exhausted. My cousin texted me asking if I cared if she had some people over to play beer pong which of course I had no problem with her inviting anyone over. So by the time I finally started getting up, people started arriving. I drank a little and then went to hang out with everyone outside. Since nothing was really happening I left to go get some food since I hadn't eaten in well over a day. When I got in my car before I left I smoked a bowl of pot and was on my way to get some taco bell.

When I got back the party wasn't really "poppin" if you ask me. In fact it was so dead I decided to go lay down inside...and you guessed it. I passed out again. I heard everyone leaving in the early hours of the morning, and just like clockwork dope sickness started setting in. The alcohol helped me to ignore the kicking but since I was starting to sober up I was starting to feel the withdrawal. I went to the basement and scraped a little bit of residue off my spoon and had a few left over dirty cottons which took enough edge off for me to go back to sleep for a few hours.

The hot and cold flashes woke me up around 5am, my head was throbbing, and my legs were restless. I needed to go downstairs and take some suboxone. I felt like such shit though that it took me literally 30min to get down there. I was in such discomfort I couldn't even begin to tell you. Once I got the subs in my system I started to feel relief, but after moving around so much I couldn't go back to sleep. It's 7:33 A.M. right now, guess I'll go cook breakfast since I'm sure my body is starving for food.

It’s almost time to go home
The bar is shutting down
I can hear them washing the dishes in the back
The bartender, mingling with the silence

It’s one fifty seven in the morning
The busser’s are wiping down the tables
And stacking the chairs
Cursing beneath their breath how life failed them

It’s one fifty eight in the morning
I can hear echo of a prostitute’s high heels
Clicking their way into the passenger seat of a car outside

It’s one fifty nine in the morning
I grab my coat from off the chair
And tip my hat slightly to the left
And start walking home
What a night it has been

It’s two in the morning

As I sit down to write this I wonder were to even start...

So I guess I'll start with the basics of life:

Living situation: Well my parents kicked my brother out. That was a shock and a half but perhaps it is better in the long run.

Work: Oh GOD. 2 week check for $45 dollars, it is spent and more (credit) before I get it. I don't know why they are doing this to me. A times I just want to cry. I can't pay the bills, wracking up credit I'll maybe never pay off. Not to mention student loans. I don't know what to consider on how to get SOME income. But in 8 resumes yesterday. PLEASE SOMEONE call me. It is SO hard to write this without crying. I can't live my life without money.

Drugs: Drugs were a little to blame. But not totally. Driving a half hour to work for 3 hours of work for $8 an hour. Won't cut it for anyone. Plus driving a hour round trip to school 2 times a week, and trying to see Sean because he still can't drive, 45 min 1 way.

I picked the wrong time to get into oxy and meth. $$$ But I can't afford it, so it's been 5 days sober and I guess I'm alright. It would be nice to have SOMETHING to take SOME of the depression away. It's bad.

Relationship: Well, Sean is broke too. Can't afford the car insurance or to fix the car to drive even though all the OWI stuff is oked. Plus still no job. He is looking for stuff he has he doesn't need to sell. That is a horrible place to be in.

I find myself being able to spend less time with him because of homework and money to get there...I DO NOT want to lose the person that is my rock, supporting me over and over until I can be ok. Just because of this BULLSHIT. I'm out of options and there I go nearly crying again. FUCK, I'm not gonna cry damn it.

School: Oh holy hell. I'm SO many assignments behind. I filled the profs. in on the situation and they are being VERY understanding. Thank god for psych. profs. But I'm still busting my ass to catch up to show I CARE. I can't seem to get caught up. And I don't want to do it when I'm with Sean and have him feel neglected when we have such little time together! The stress from my social work class just is through the fucking roof!

Mental Status: Oh hell. The meds aren't kicking in. I'm a mess. I hope my friend calls at night so I can go there and no be alone. I'm suicidal SO much of the time. And therapy, fuck we can't afford that shit. Hopefully the meds will be enough, they were before I believe. The stress just builds and builds and builds and all these demands, I just wanna say FUCK THIS, I'm out. I don't want to have to do this ANYMORE!

I actually went and got a rope the other day. Did nothing but look at it. Idk, maybe there is something in me that I want to live. 3 attempts and no success.... Maybe I'm praying the meds will work. Or maybe I can't do that to Sean, I just can't hurt him like that! He barely speaks about it. But when he does he says that he worries and how much that would hurt him.

He has never said it, and I start to wonder (BPD) after almost 7 months, that he loves me....I tell him. But you know what, I believe he does, he just can't say it.

I feel so alone in my pain sometimes. The emotional pain becomes a heavy hurtful pain in my chest that I cannot even describe.

I went to the family doc. to see if she would give me some k-pins to get me through until I can see the psych dr. (I bet me will tell me "deal with it" in no some many words, shouldn't have gone off the mood stablizers!). But she did. Thank god. I think she gave me 1mg and I usually get .5 but hell I'll take it if it helps enough that I can FUNCTION enough to do homework.

General Health: My foot still is giving me trouble. I see the dr on the 3rd about the cyst in the bone. I have heard, "needle in bone to drain." WHat?! NO!

I'm ok with needles, I crave them at times, and even more so lately...maybe if I get a good job .
(NO BAD LESLIE! I know.)

But in the bone?! They better knock me out and give me pain meds or I will freak the fuck out.
Any ideas on what to say???

I'm already on Tramadol and Fioricet for severe headaches. I can't use those. I have them for a reason. (Yeah, I know I can abuse them to. I'm a horrible person sometimes.)

I had a friend share his hydrocodone with me last night. I guess he figured I needed a break and some pain relief. I FINALLY worked and then it made my feet (yes both now) worse.

We were to watch a movie but I hadn't seen him so we just ended up talking.

Apparently a girl I know, whos bf was trying to get with me and we told her and she accused me of lying and whatever. Got fired for stealign $200 last night. For what? Meth. She really needs to wake the fuck up!

Lets see alll together... work, broke/money, pain, mental status down the tubes...yeah that covers it for now I guess. Yeah generally feeling like a waste of oxygen and space.
Not as bad as when I was a kid, but bad and know I'm more aware of what is actually going on...

you'll never read this, but I wish I knew how to act or what to say to not make you mad at me all the time/hurt.

you mean more to me then the world it self.

well, hopefully we'll get our tats together on tuesday eh?

Injectors
Tie rod ends
Fuel filter
Rear sway bar linkage
Brake pads, calipers, and rotors
Oil and filter


Next up is some timing chain maintenance--should be a challenge! I'm a self-taught gearhead in training with a growing tool collection that is almost respectable... Well, actually a long way from respectable. Functional, at least!

I am so fucking stupid and ugly and so not worth while.

What is the point of all this shit anyway. I thought I was doing what was good and it was all not even worth it i

I am feeling so low right now. Just so s urge and shit and cant handle it.

Cant do this. Its like im just here to be the person who has no reason to be alive so she sets the standard for all low lifes.

I have no will to live anymore.

'M' stayed over last night and had to get up somewhat early (for a Sunday). I asked what time I should set my alarm. She said 8:45.

I have NEVER been able to set my alarm on an even number minute or a minute that ends in a 5. LOL I am soooooo weird. The minute MUST, absolutely MUST be a 3, 7 or 9.

So I set my alarm for 8:47.

Anyone else odd like that?

I thought I was only hurting myself.

I thought I would get better.

I thought I meant something.

I thought I could be something.

I thought things would work.

I think I need to go.

I once knew a women
Who lived next door
I’ll never know for sure
But I’m sure she was a whore

*sigh* It seems like just about every thread I post in I say the wrong thing. I piss people off or irritate them or whatever. Then I end up feeling stupid or personally attacked because they are angry and I'm just so sensitive that it REALLY hurts me...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me that it seems that people just don't like me. Sad when I can't even make friends online. I feel rather unwanted all together. (Yeah I know this sounds like a pity party but it's just how I feel and I am allowed to feel what I feel. You can't really control how you feel and rarely how you think.) I don't know if it is just a more recent thing with my interactions or if it has been going on for awhile. I thought that I had done a lot better with my interactions in the last 6 months..........guess not. I have tried to be less attention seeking and dramatic as I'm getting my BPD symptoms under control.

Jeez I'm just a social retard maybe. No wonder I never have or had any friends. I try to be a good person, really I do. Kind, considerate, supportive, but it seems that no one sees that at all. Maybe I'm just totally fooling myself cause there are people that I bet wouldn't care if I dropped off the face of the earth. I NEVER EVER mean to hurt anyone in ANY way or drive them from what they need. Really I often try to give them what they need and help them feel better but I guess I just fucking suck.

Maybe just maybe it might be that I'm often on here when I'm spun and I don't function as well as I think I do when I'm like that. I feel like I function normally but maybe I'm just totally freaking off.

On top of this I have work and money issues, school and just a whole big scary mess with Sean (See DS social because I don't feel like writing it all out again.

So this Sunday will be my 30 days clean. That's a huge accomplishment for me, so why do I feel so down?

"You know, it's rare that people with your problem actually stay clean."

Well fuck you. I'm trying to stay positive. It feels good not to wake up sick, not to spend all day getting money, not to shove dull needles in my arm, not to worry about APD or the pen.

Of course I miss New York. What if... I know I shouldn't be thinking about the "what if's," but I always do. My best friends got locked up not long after I moved down here, and I keep thinking, what if I didn't move? Would I be right by there side?

Sometimes I feel like I pulled through this just because I have no connections, so even when I do get a craving it's not like I can act upon it. I know that if I was back in NY I would caved in a long time ago. The dope down here is different than the dope in NY so I hear... I guess there's black tar here...

And I don't want to disappoint my Father or my little brother, who already thinks of me as a junkie. I know I should do right, and I want to. I've been going to many NA meetings a week. But I did meet someone who lives like an hour and a half away who is a junkie. I know I shouldn't do dope with him, but I want to so bad. And the problem would be getting out for the night. That would mean lying, manipulating and the whole 9 yards. My Dad is just up my ass because he doesn't want me fucking up. Well, I can't blame him. God I feel like I'm in middle school again. The only social life I have is when I go to work. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to talk to...

I also noticed now that I"m not on dope it's hard to "be myself." Especially at work, I become easily embarrassed for no reason and I find it hard to talk to people.

I've also gained weight since I've been here. I know that's normal, but now that I'm not on dope it's like I'm starting to obsess about my weight again.

I know I don't have a tolerance, so the next time I do dope I'm going to be completely out of it. And for some reason that is completely appealing to me...

Hey everyone!

So the Theme of the Month worked out quite nicely, with some great entries. July's coming to a close though, so it's time to pick another topic. We'll do the same as last time: this thread will be open for suggestions for topics-- they'll be added to the current list:

• Colo(u)r
• Travel
• Happiness
• Life
• Survival

I'll keep this open until Friday evening, then we can vote this weekend, and be set with another topic on Monday.

Thanks to everyone who took part, and to everyone else who posts here!

Find someone to inject me now
With stimulant wonders that incite, "WOW!"
Maybe a contest to chug that tussin
an hour or two and I'll be rushin'
A deliriant trip would also be nice
See monkeys eating the spidery rice
I'm bloody fucking anxious and untreated
This cold fear is getting heated
Fells like the end of the line, and the start of hell
It may all be be just as well
The next right thing is a Librium shot
So my sanity doesn't quickly rot
And I end up ingesting the chemical trips
That take my life and just make rips

Three pieces of advice that I constantly give myself:

1. Don't sleep with people you work with
2. Don't sleep with people in relationships.
3. If you must do any of the above, at least don't fall for them.

But I always do it anyway.

So a couple of weeks ago I broke it off with the person who has been my clandestine lover for the past eight months or so... Partly because of my guilt, partly because I want to move on from casual sex, but also partly because my feelings for him are a lot less casual than I'd like them to be.

He's already fastened his eyes on someone else who can satisfy his intense need for validation, adoration, and - if he gets lucky - illicit sex. And it's tearing me up inside. Seeing them flirting every fucking day, the way he talks to her and smiles at her, the coy looks she gives him... Sure he probably thinks I'm a man-eating minx with enough good sense not to get emotionally involved in our strictly sexual relationship, and that that I have repeatedly rejected his latest advances and have now just had enough of the whole fucking deal, so I can't blame him for being insensitive enough to flirt with her in front of me. I wonder if he'd act any different if he knew, if he'd at least have enough respect for me to make it less obvious. Still, him finding out that I feel the way I do would hurt even more. I had an episode at work today, locked myself in the bathroom sobbing hopelessly for a good fifteen minutes, came out with red-rimmed eyes and he asked what was wrong, I said nothing much, just stuff you know, and he didn't push it.

And yet again it comes down to one of my sorest spots - the feeling of rejection, being left behind, excluded, used. I know that logically the situation is not even close to this. I broke it off, not him, and I probably appear to be a great deal more emotionally distant than I really am. Still, this is one of the feelings that comes up most in all my sexual and/or romantic situations. I've tried working on it with my therapist and alone, but can never quite get to the bottom of it. Where does this feeling of rejection come from? Why do I feel it so intensely even in situations where I have clearly not been rejected?

I know this has to be said: serves me right for fucking someone else's man, karma and all that. I don't like to know that I lack compassion to the extent of being able to be the Other Woman... But it does satisfy a lot of emotional cravings for me. No excuse though, I know exactly what I'd think of girls like me if i was on the other side of the equation. Yes, it fucking serves me right, and I agree with this. Still, I doubt it's a lesson learned.

I really hope I get over this soon.

I really love this piece by one of my favorite writers. I'm pretty sure many others may not agree with it, but those who know me well will understand and not question

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, and possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.

Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which she has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love a taking of man within her, an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment the man rests inside of her.

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by loving.

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Anais Nin

Truth is, to be sure, an absolute notion, in the following sense: "true for me but not for you" and "true in my culture but not in yours" are weird, pointless locutions. So is "true then, but not now." [...] James would, indeed, have done better to say that phrases like "the good in the way of belief" and "what it is better for us to believe" are interchangeable with "justified" rather than with "true." (Rorty 1998, p. 2)

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Beneath a moss covered rock.. Between eroded crevasses, and sheltered among epiphytes.

Is a notion of what we believe to see... hear or mean.
Interpreting that all man's knowledge is partial... Amazing ---- yes indeed.

All of Human-unkind's knowledge is partial.

I hope you read that thoroughly---> Fallibility.

My conception is manifested unreliability.

The heart of bitchiness. I befall ...

A pragmatic maxim.

so i just don't think i can take it anymore. my mom's such a cunt and my brother is now my sister since the insurance case finally got worked out last week and the check cleared. i just can't take it anymore. i don't know what i would do if i didn't have me bl journal with 336 entries and only 2 replies and they were both from spork welcoming me to journal because she forgot she had done it already. everybody is ALWAYS forgetting me. omg life is so shitty the only reason i even get out of bed anymore is to eat pop tarts but now i'm fat and nobody likes fatties. maybe if i just take more acid i'll be happy? but i can't afford acid, so i'll just crack smoke my way to happiness. good bye journal, if you need me i'll be in the garage huffing paint thinner and/or cutting myself.

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came across this little gem while browsing the threads up for deletion.
brought back memories.

i just want to be happy
spare me the technicalities
the small doses of wtf
i still know nothing
about contentment or how it comes about
i have to be happy where i am
before im happy any where else

It's a love hate relationship. It's kind of abusive too.

Being idle mentally is by far the worst of all idles.

...and now i'm just stupid.

I have this issue with my image - people always think I'm 18-20 and I'm actually 25. But my body is turning into something even I like to look at in the mirror. I like the way this is turning out, because none of the people in my family lose their hair, which means that when I'm 35 I'm going to be very sexy. Like Daniel Craig sexy - with that body that looks like he doesn't work out but somehow everything just looks good. I think it's very healthy to have sex every day, not just for self-esteem and comfort with one's own body, but for the stomach excercise as well.

I also find myself smelling just wonderful all the time.

The other day I was at a strip club around noon just chatting it up with the workers, and one of the strippers suggested that I talk to her friend about a housecleaning job that pays fantastically. All a skinny male has to do is wear a jock strap and clean rich old men's houses with a feather duster. I hear it pays pretty well, and she said I have the perfect "grown-up twink" look for it.

The sixth days of my 'kicking the habit' at home, myself with no special medication help not counting neuroleptics that doesn't put me to sleep anymore and loperamide for obvious reasons. Sure it has to be painful but I've always liked it better up my ass than seeing a fountain out of it.

I thought: alright, my run is over, everyone's run ends sooner or later whatever way it happens. And what I do? I start that stupid smart brain of mine to get some money borrowed (I always pay my debts back). It's just this feeling for a couple of hours when I throw away the syringe, sit on the floor, listen to alternative rock ballads and don't give a damn about anything. I fool myself telling myself it is it which has fooled me while it is me who's fooled oneself... Like it was this Angel coming from above to wipe every tear that I shed.

I've got two spare months. I want to spare them on getting high as a kite until I run out of money. Why? Because.

I play The Great Gig in the Sky and I think: we don't notice those little things that build the whole life and that they are what makes it worth fighting for. But I don't. This void, this emptiness kills me. I truly don't believe I'm going to get through the following years the way I should, the way I want. No part of my life is satisfactory and that's not the reason to take drugs. The reason is actually the urge not to think about this stuff.

Fuck it, fuck me, fuck us all junkies. I guess addicts are probably the all-time active writers in all fields. Well, a few more sentences to write but I write shit when withdrawing which is completely misunderstood but actually has a good point. Anyway, nobody ever got it right whatever I wanted to say.

Even though I am feeling this feeling. It is unbelievable that a person could feel like this.