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I absolutely hate those dreams where I feel frustrated. It's better just to have a straight-up nightmare full of spiders and shit imo. This dream was brought on by a party flier for a party that actually takes place tonight, featuring a DJ I will never forget from about 7 years ago: Charles Feelgood. I thought I would never hear him ever again.

So last night my dream begins:

The party takes place at a huge open-air club that has wooden boards for the floor and one of those grass ceilings, although there are indoor areas you have to go through in order to get to the gigantic outdoor party deck.

I was in the mood for a fantastic night, and in the dream someone had procured what he claimed were some incredibly good tabs. They were multicolored and dark reddish, which for some reason made them look magic in the dream. I took two, after not having rolled in more than two years.

The most important part of any night like this is the company you keep, and in my dream my best friend in the world, who I get to see rarely, was there along with two girls who I have known for more than ten years, never really close with, but definitely the coolest girls I know (best described as the kind you don't try to have sex with because they're like four levels above you in that area and its nice enough just to bask in their awesome glow and party away with them).

In my dream's plot and history, I had never had sex with either of these girls, although in real life I did have pre-mature ejaculatatory sex with one of them less than two months ago after not seeing her for close to 12 years. My dream being frustrating is probably a reflection of this bad karma in real life.

So the girl who I had sex with in real life is driving us all to the party in the dream because she doesn't do drugs and the rest of us are about to be feeling really warm. The pills kick in on the way, and when we arrive at the club to see what it looks like it feels like I'm about to put on a super-comfortable pair of slippers. Everything just felt so perfect.

So we get out of the car and my friend runs with the other girl to the entrance where the guards are taking tickets. They disappear, leaving the driver and I to follow. I specifically remember her holding my hand leading my fucked up ass to the entrance, and she was laughing and smiling, but then something happened: I noticed that there was someone sneaking around her car. The most painful moment in any dream is usually a "scene," and in this one it was a picture of my hand separating from hers in slow motion, with the background behind her full of lights, music, and warmth. I turned away and went to inspect the person who was hiding around around the car, and it was all dark as soon as I turned away - just a parking lot full of cars, and that guy sneaking around - and it was like someone turned the volume off on the party behind me. I turned around again and the girl was gone, into the party probably.

When I got closer, I noticed the guy was walking around the car with a strange device that looked like a metal detector. He confirmed that this was what it was, except that it could also be turned into a highly powerful magnet when you pressed the top button. Apparently, he was using it to collect coins and such.
As many of you know, spork has recently stepped down as mod for blogs, and while I've been doing what I can to keep things going here, it's usually not a good idea to have a single person moderating a forum. Having had my internet connection cut out on me a couple of times in the last month has really highlighted the need to have another person here for when for whatever reason I can't be.

So on that note, this is an official open call for applications for a position moderating Blogs! To apply please send me a PM with the following:

  • An introduction: Tell me who you are, how long you've been an active poster, and a bit about yourself.
  • An estimate of how many hours a week you think that you would be able to contribute.
  • One thing that you like best about Blogs, and one thing that you would like to improve.
  • Why you would like to moderate Blogs.

That's pretty well it. Blogs is a pretty chill part of BL, so the actual moderation part of the job is pretty minor. However, because it is a fairly new area there is a lot of opportunity to grow. New and creative ideas on how to get people interested in Blogs are very welcome.

The posting will be open from now until 21 August, so there's plenty of time to decide whether or not you'd like to apply. This posting is open to everyone, including those who are modding other areas.

Since we don't have the ability to do stickies or even properly bump posts, I'll be annoying and reply to this message regularly to keep it visible.

Thanks, and I hope to hear from many of you soon!
Soon I'll be getting DMT and other stuff, and I can't wait for that! Too bqd I have too. Getting more doi to to replace what I lost.


I'm bored. I want to get wasted, but won't. At least yet.
third time smoking sucked. I barely got high... more than the first, though.

I guess I just gotta get better at it.

Anyone else think pot leaves an awful taste in your mouth? Did you get used to it? The smoking part SUCKS... unless I get stoned out of my brains. :p
I just spent a month at a state psychiatric hospital for flipping the fuck out in public.

my asshole husband called from Iraq telling me we're getting divorced, I flipped out, fought with cops, landed my ass in the psych ward, where I fought with the nurses, took all nurses and 4 security guards to hog tie me and give me 4 shots of thorazine to get me in lockup. then was court ordered there. got out thursday, took so long cuz I was refusing meds (im bipolar apparently, and love being manic!!!) and I was fighting. now im court ordered followup care and to take meds, otherwise I get arrested and go right back in the hospital.

I am filing for divorce, already moved into a 2 bedroom house in the country with my boyfriend I met at the psych ward. I love him, he's a retired UFC fighter, and breeds and trains dogs and horses for a living. he makes money! (love em anyways, just a nice bonus)

lost custody of kids, will fight for that too once im mentally stable enough.

ill be back on more once I get a computer here.

whew, shit, that's all for now I guess.
love you and miss all u!!
These last 3 days have been fun but disappointing. Although the meth has been doing great for appetite control, I'm not really getting high anymore. I stay in my room more, deliberatly avoiding my Mom. It's not that I don't like her, but the 2nd she see's me she starts in on all these questions. Plus being as hot as it is, I don't get A/C in my room unless the door is open, I keep the fan on, wet a see thru lacy camisole, wear thong panites and keep the fan on high with the window open. I'm not about to walk around like that in front of Mom. So this evening she got on my case about locking my door, accusing me of doing drugs. Fuck me man, a woman my age should be able to lock her fucking door if she wants to! And drugs are NOT the only reason for locking the damn door, JESUS! So instead of arguing with her, I unlocked it but was pissed. "Fine, whatever," I said. "You're acting like you used to when you were on drugs. Something is wrong," she said. "You don't have to get angry!" Yeah, whatever. Fucksake. Sorry but I should be able to lock the door whether I'm doing drugs or not. Why doesn't she GET that?

I no longer hardly have a sex drive anymore. I simply couldn't go through with hooking up with any guys on the sex site. The thing is that I could, as I explained on my profile, that a man must turn my mind on first, otherwise, I can't respond. Sure as shit, kind of what I expected, there's plenty of guys available, but it's like they want to jump into bed ASAP. I can't. Last Wednesday, my connect called me and I was kind of wondering why, but then he hinted around that he didn't have a ride to work. Grumble, grumble. His work was in bum fuck Egypt too, but I said, fine I'll help you out, but I need gas money. I'm glad I did. My window in the car fell down, a piece broke, so he fixed the window so that it would stay up, although the door panel is off. It looks like shit, but it's better than having the window stuck down all the time. My habit is now a teenager a week still. Fuck I can't AFFORD this with my damned wages being fucking garnished by the state!

Also, it's true that I didn't want to deal with life's bullshit sober, like getting on the phone and dicking around with incompetent employees over wrong bills, or dealing with the state, but on shit, I have NO tolerance for doing any of that shit whatsoever. I want as little responsibility in life as possible, and sometimes it throws shit at me that I don't even deal with, which gets me in trouble. Sigh. I've got to try calling the state again. Their line is always busy. I'm bummed too having to face kicking sooner or later... God how I HATE it. I've got the supplements, but damn I still feel fucking tired all the time. At least on my maintainance dose of meth, work isn't torture. It helps having my painkillers too. For some reason, the last 3 wks the pharmacy has been putting the date the filled my Rx as a week prior than they actually filled it. Well the problem with that is that I always check the date, and had the date been correct, I would have been able to utilize discipline to make the damn things last 10-14 days instead of 7.

So the last 3 wks, I thought damn 2 wks sure went by fast, then when I picked up my last Rx, there was no refills like usual. So, poking around to find out why, duh, there it is. Son of a bitch, I'm lucky they kept authorizing the refills to begin with, cause most Docs won't. I don't feel quiete right. I can't get high enough from meth and the pills are not giving me the high I want, so I'm stuck. Erik was supposed to send me some needles about a month ago, maybe 5-6 wks, but he never did, so I'm having to reuse dull needles which sucks. I could order from on line pharmacy, but am nervous about Mom finding out what's inside the box, fuck. These fine point, short needles don't quite cut it with me, either, so fuck maybe I'll have to drive to bum fuck LA to get the goddamned things.
So I have been having a very shitty week at work, my boss actually resigned weeks ago and didnt tell anyone and pretended to be just going on holiday but left permanently. What a sneaky cow, I thought of her a a mate. :( Another chick did the same thing except just never showed up again after having her shifts changed. We all feel like chumps at work- too much to do, too little staff.

Im going to get crapped on today when I go in as I wrote a letter to the night supervisor who was bullying my friend Wendy to the point of her being in tears yesterday. He and my old boss have had a constant campaign against her as she does do some silly things but in this instance she had done nothing wrong. I asked him if he was going to apologise to her as the summary of events makes him the bad guy. People dont like being the arsehole, I think he will just end up hating me now instead of realising what a dick he was.

I put my laundry on 2 days ago and forgot/ too tired to hang it out.

I came home and went to bed immediately yesterday as I was feeling shithouse.

My flatmate Declan washed and dried the whole lot for me and folded it.

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU <3<3

iT FEELS GOOD TO HAVE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME. <3
A - Age: [28]

B - Bed size: [King]

C - Chore you hate: [Dishes! I HATE doing dishes and laundry]

D - Dog's name: [No dog- though I want one- but for now 2 kitties are enough]

E - Essential start your day item: [Coffee!!]

F - Favorite color: [Blue and green, too hard to choose]

G - Gold or Silver: [Silver]

H - Height: [5'8"]

I - Instruments you play(ed): [none:(]
J - Job title: [none]

K - Kids: [My girls, Fuzzy Buttons and Little Bitty]

L - Living arrangement: [Awesome house on over an acre]

M - Mom's name: [Who wants to know?]

N - Nicknames: [depends on who but mostly Dez, though I am erked when someone who I am not close to calls me that or any other nickname]

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: [No]

P - Pet Peeve: [Fake people, fake friendships,political and religious nuts-OH! AND people who say they want to just discuss one of those subjects and then argues with you instead of hearing a view other than their own.]

Q - Quote from a movie The Simpsons : [I am an asshole and don't really like the Simpsons ]

R - Right or left handed:


S - Siblings: [One brother]

T - Time you wake up: [depends on what time I went to sleep-]

U - Underwear: [Yep]

V - Vegetable you dislike: [depends on how it is cooked or served......i like most veggies]

W - Ways you run late: [Going with my hubby- he is always late:)]

X - X-rays you've had: [Just about everywhere]

Y - Yummy food you make: [rouladen, guiness stew]

Z - Zoo favorite: [bears]​
I was preparing myself to finally accept that 'M' and I were done. I thought I was beginning to accept it.

After talking recently, I find that I've pushed my hardness away. Fuck that phony shell that really never protected me from anything.

Man, love is a good thing right? I know that I'll always love this woman. I'm kind of a coward but brave at the same time. I'm a coward because I fear that I'll feel pain if we don't get back together. I'm brave because I'm risking repeating the pain of having my dream of being a family with her and her kids smashed into shards of glass. Its not the smashing that is terrifying. Its the piercing of the heart and emotions that these shards will most likely do.

I'm doing the right thing for the right reason so perhaps the pain will be lessened if things don't turn out as I am hoping for.

I need to get well first.
My typical Method of Operation is to go to work, get paid, go to the city, score, get high, repeat.

The last time I injected was on Sunday August 2nd. I have worked three days and STILL have most of the loot from those days. I didn't go to the city and cop.

Its kinda cool havin' money in your pocket. Every dollar I had before (for a long time) went to drugs. I treated everyone at work to Starbucks (when I say 'everyone' I mean only the two others I work with), I bought a co-worker some 21st Bday shots, and the best thing so far about having a little loot on me is, get this... ...I ate THREE fuckin' ice cream cones tonight!!!! Dude, ice cream cones are a fuckin' luxury to a fuckin' addict. We NEVER buy shit like that. Haha! Day 3 of not shootin' coke/heroin. ---Check out this next part---

My mom's been gettin real worried about me. She says I don't look good (I lost a lot of weight). So she called the place that I'm trying to get to get me into rehab since I can't afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it.

They apologized to her because apparently the instructions they had given me previously were as follows:
1-Go to Social Security and apply for medical assistance for Drug and Alcohol treatment.
2-Wait for a rejection letter
3-Take the rejection letter to this company that places addicts in rehab
4-Get into rehab

What the ACTUAL process is:
1-Go to Social Security Office
2-REQUEST a rejection letter
3-Receive the rejection letter right there
4 Take the rejection letter to this company that places addicts in rehab
5-Get into rehab THE NEXT DAY

I'm skeptical about this. There's no fuckin' way it is that smooth and fast. I'll find out tomorrow. I'm going to Social Security early tomorrow morning and following the 2nd set of instructions. If it is that easy then I may be in rehab on Friday (2 fuckin' days from now)

We'll see.

Oh yeah... ...did I mention I ate THREE ice cream cones tonight? %)%)%)%)
Current Habit- 50-75mg of Hydromorphone/day

Spent on Habit this week- $250

Spent on Habit last week- $200
Rhythmic, Poetic, In touch with your soul
Entwined with the people
In line with your goal
It fires you up, offends your ears
Enrages your heart, give you tears
In touch with God through
The hatred and fears
Of man and men who don't know you
Or who or why they chose to screw
Over their friends or the guy who cut them off
Not the cult of those whose feed from the trough
Rapping about the drugs in my veins
The spirit in my spirit
How bad this is
We don't wanna hear it
Feed us your pain but make sure you enjoy it
Every moment that makes you destroy it
The center of your heart
That makes you say "no"
To every bitch trick and ho
I ain't no pimp
And I ain't no bitch
But here's a trick
The talentless rich
Drag you soullessly
Hole-less-ly
It's a business to them
NOT about the beat
But about the bucks
They don't know heat!
Just beating a program
And saying random shit, man
Give your God praise
And give your art malaise!
Again, I talking to myself because there is no one else.

People rarely understand that all I want is someone who as been where I am, and listen and offer understanding comments and what not. Not tells me how to fix it.

Strangely, coming off meth, I've started to binge. I don't know that it is that I'm so broke during the day I can't afford to eat when I'm not home so I binge when I get home or what. I guess there is a away to deal with it if I have to...
And here I thought about going and starving myself because I don't deserve the food...
Or maybe it's beause my life is so out of control I'm looking for something to give me control. OD I've been washing my hands a lot lately.
Jeez being a psych major is like being a Ph.D. student. Go figure, not like it matters.

Sean and I are on another break. He is so depressed so his situation, that he can't deal with me. I'm afraid that we may not even make it. God knows, he said I couldn't be alone and I'd get over it. Oh I'd be alone. Hell, my rock, my help, cannot help me when he is depressed himself. There is no where to go to have a shoulder to cry on.

Thank goodness for Seroquel that I can even say that. But that, the kpins the Lamictal right now. Oh meth would take it away, at least for a bit. But there is no getting it and its only short term. I'm off because I have to be. Broke, and thereare some things I just can't break myself down to do. Some days I think who cares how big of a hole I dig in, no one will even notice. I might as well not exist....


I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe

No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45
Didn't get high yesterday (with the exception of weed, cuervo and beer). Didn't get high today (with the exception of beer).

So now the insomnia begins. I take a shitload of otc sleep aids (I forget the active ingredient, diptha-something). That shit doesn't work very well and the next day I'm all de-energized to the point of walking being to active.

I saw 'M' again tonight. I miss her being in my life but I'm afraid I may have fucked my brain up a little too much. I guess only time will tell. I find myself incapable of doing simple, daily routines. Sleep is all I want. I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. The days go by much easier if you sleep them away.

I wish I was better looking. Its petty, but 'M' should be with one of those good lookin guys. I say this because the dude she slept with recently is apparently 'physically attractive'. I mentioned before that I would like to be someone's 'ideal'. I'm still not sure if I will ever be hers.

I find myself gravitating towards violence. I think I want to hurt someone simply because I hurt. I can't wait for someone to fuck with me but they seem to never want to. I can simply just wait for it.

I dunno. I want to sleep but can't. I guess I need to pound some beers in order to achieve this simple goal.

There will probably be a few blogs from me in the future that may not make sense. The emotions always bum rush me when I stop getting high. Ill need to use these blogs to help deal with them.

WTF!?!? I got a fuckin' tear comin from my eye. I'm not thinking or writing anything sad so what gives? This is gonna be hard. Fuck me! Everytime with this bullshit? I don't get it.

Do I take the chance and pursue 'M'? She says there is hope for us but we both need to do a lot of work on ourselves. She's worth it but will I ever be her ideal?

I'm a garbage head. Will I ever stop ingesting whatever I get my hands on? I think so. But when I become the 'true me' I'm hoping that 'me' is a good person.

I want sleep
That's right! You've spoken, and our new topic of the month for August is 'Philosophy and Spirituality'. So, same deal as last time: this is only a suggested topic of course, and you have full freedom as to how you'd like to interpret it.

Enjoy!
7:47 AM
213
118
82

169
105
116

7:57 (After a short walk to the bathroom.)
208
120
106

149
118
115


8:08 (Predose)
139
101
80

164
113
125


(Post Dose)
154
120
71

115
89
78

158
105
106

168
127
87

122 (Standing)
91
146

8:16 (Second Bump)
173
107
114

150
102
119

132
102
126

159
127
60


133
80
110

124
82
97

119
91
117
i have arrived in athens, sup b/l






now 'm gonna go searching for some sweet sweet orthodox greek girls to come have intravenous unprotected sex with me in their geo metros
..on august 1st. if you need me, i'll be here (at point A) 8o 8o 8o

YEP.

I always come in here and stare at my keyboard and think should I write something different to what's on my mind or should I put down my actual thoughts?

It's a conundrum it is.

Still I find this a great place to empty the filter up there but oftentimes my subconscious gets together with conscious and has a party when I'm not around and their scattered hangover ends up as my dreams

More and more as of late, I wake up thinking what the fuck was that? Where the fuck was I? What the fuck just happened? How did that happen?

About a week ago, I had a dream and in the dream I was involved in a scuffle where I was held in a headlock.
When I woke up I had a sore throat and when I was brushing my teeth I noticed red marks around my neck, WTF, seriously.

Another time, I recall dreaming my foot got on something and I woke up with a pain in my foot.

I've woken up sad, happy etc it goes on.

I won'y go into detail about the other nights adventures but it's becoming odd to say the least.


Anyway, had a great weekend.

Spent friday night at home inside watching movies and had a fire going.

Saturday I bought myself a new laptop and spent a few hours at the gym and pool.

Saturday night I went and saw a mates band play and dropped a couple of biccies for the first time in months and the party carried on a at a friends house on acreage, the band played on and we set up a bonfire and i had a few more pingers, I left just after lunchtime the following day covered in black coal stains on my feet and ash from the fire and smelling of smoke.

Great company and good times all round.
Still a little sore but it's all good times. Went to work Monday but took today off and taking tomorrow off, id booked these days off a while back to get shit done and its been real.


anyway im off for now.
For those of you who feel like reading a long post-- this is pretty much like a first-time-trip-report for pot.

With all the free time and boredom I have... I figured I'd chronicle my new found drug use on this site. So that's what this blog is going to be about, I think. Hopefully this will be the start of something I can reflect upon later in life to help me. That said, here I go:

I'll start by saying my 'drug life' before now has been nonexistent. I've consumed alcohol casually, and didn't think much of it, but before a few weeks ago, I had never tried any drug (aside from alcohol). I'm 18 years old and looking for something more. :)

The first time I tried pot, a few weeks ago, is hardly notable; I didn't get much of a high at all, which is common for the first time, I guess. I smoked a joint with a friend, and nothing much happened. So I'll skip over that story, and write about my second time, which was -a lot- better.


It all started last Wednesday, when I invited my friend over to smoke and drink for the night. I wanted to have some fun before I moved away to SF... so what better than to attempt getting stoned again, and get drunk off my ass afterward. I gave her a call up the night before, and we planned to meet around 2 pm.

Shortly after meeting up and chatting for a bit, we went to starbucks to get a drink, to which I added a shot of coffee, if it's any concern... I don't think coffee affects the high much.

So we went out into the woods near my home, whipped out my newly bought pipe, packed a bowl, and began to light up. This being my first time using a pipe, I had her light it up for me a few times before I could get the hang of it... shortly after, I was taking nice big hits of it through the pipe.

I might add, that the woods near my home were not a good place to smoke. That was a stupid decision on my part. Not only was there a lot of think dry brush where we decided to stop, but I got tons of -- and I mean tons -- of those prickly pods from the dry weeds all over my pants, leg hair, and shoes. If we weren't careful (which we were), we could have also started a brush fire.

So, like my first time, the weed tasted TERRIBLE to me. I'm already over it, but those first few times smoking, it almost made me gag. My friend got impatient with me because I had to take long breaks between each drag.

Shortly after smoking through the first bowl (smoked two bowls total) I started to feel a little different, maybe things seemed brighter, I couldn't tell, but once we finished the second bowl, I started to get a little paranoid. The last hit I took, I got confused when I thought I was lighting it, but just had the gas down on the lighter. I didn't realize at the time, but I think the mj was making me paranoid that I inhaled too much lighter fluid. I started to feel a warm tingly feeling going through my chest, and it freaked me out for a minute, but it went away once I realized I was playing tricks on myself. :p

As we were walking back out of the forest, and talking to each other, I noticed I was spacing out a lot. And I thought that was as high as I would get. We started smoking around 3:45, and this was probably around 4:15, so I figured 30 mins for it to kick in completely was enough. I thought this is pretty fun, but not really as good as I expected, as we continued to walk and talk. So I was pretty much just laughing, and spacing out, as far as I knew.

When we got home (probably around 4:30), I hadn't noticed much of a difference from how high I was earlier... I sat down in my living room, while my friend, still chatting with me, went to fix her makeup in the bathroom. She would be talking, and falling over in the bathroom, and I would be laughing at something. We did this for what felt like 5 or 10 mins (which was probably only about 1 min)... and I didn't notice it, but I was having a mild hallucination. Everything around me, the entire house, carpet, world -everything- had disappeared, except for my friend, the light fixture above her head (which I couldn't physically see), the bathroom, and the spot I was sitting at, trying to pick out all the seeds on my legs and feet. I had no idea, but everything around me was lost, and the things that hadn't disappeared were in a night-like, dark realm. I was kind of in a 'dream state', though; so, when I realized I was kind of hallucinating, I would snap out of it, and the room/world would be back. All of my memories of the seconds and minutes before were like looking back on a dream you just had shortly after waking. After that first time of snapping out of my delirium (if it's even worthy of being called 'delirium'; this is just pot, remember), I realized, wow, I'm really fucking stoned right now.

Each time I would snap out of this 'dream state', I would be back to reality for just like 5 seconds or so. It was really weird... and fun. My time perception would also get fucked up because of this sleep-like thing. I went out into the living room at one point to pick more seeds out of my shoes, and when I came back into the kitchen, and looked at the clock, I said, "Holy shit! It's been two fucking minutes!!"

I also was doing all sorts of nonsensical things. For instance, I went outside to wash off my pipe with the hose (only god knows why), and I ended up spraying myself, and as soon as I walked back inside, I could hardly remember doing it. I would take out my phone, text my friend, then instantly forget I just texted him/her. And sometime in my stupidity, my friend showed hers: she tried to get soap out of the soap dispenser at the sink, and surprised the hell out of herself when she realized that laundry detergent wasn't supposed to come out of it, but hand soap.

I spent the rest of the time until around 6:00 pm trying to explain to my friend how stoned I was. Each time I would try to explain it, I would say something like, "This is like a dream." Or, "I'm think I'm more stoned than you." And each time I snapped out of the 'dream state', I'd say one of those lines, and continue trying to explain it to her, while I drifted back into my delirium and became incoherent. According to her, I pretty much just kept repeating those lines for an hour.

I was still stoned when I started drinking, so I became cross faded. All I remember about that is not liking it as much as just being stoned. After 6:30, the rest of the night turns into a drunken haze. And tu'duh! I wake up in the morning with a bump on my head.

I've decided I don't like alcohol that much, won't spend a lot of money on booze, and that I like pot, and will continue to chronicle my drug use. :)


...oh ya, and somewhere in there, a jar of cookies was eaten, but I didn't notice I was eating them.



-ps. I apologize for my writing, while I'm sure you've seen worse, even I found it a little difficult to read. :| I'm really bad at describing things sometimes.
I love how I'm sitting here rolling around in my own mind in the absolute most intense euphoric ecstasy I have ever felt and the phone rings and I get up completely normal and answer it like nothing. And when I get off the phone I come back outside, put my earphones in and return to oblivion.


Meph IS god.
Well, it looks like after the first round of voting, Sub-Forum has won (having barely edged out porcupines and porpoises :p). So now we get to choose which Sub-Forum will be the theme. My thought here would be to keep this within the Community forums, as it would be hard to write an entry on European and African Drug Discussion for example, as well as to keep the number of choices low enough to keep from diluting the vote. And since the lounge is already a free-for-all, perhaps we'll sit it out as a choice for this round. Except as a write-in I guess.

So, the choices for this month now are:

  • Healthy Living
  • Current Events and Politics
  • Sex, Love and Relationships
  • Philosophy and Spirituality
  • Education and Careers
  • Legal Discussion
  • Second Opinion
  • Science and Technology

Since we're already a couple of days into August, let's hurry this up. Voting will be open until this time tomorrow (so let's say midnight Tuesday morning, GMT-7). Aaaaaaaand... vote!
This may not make sense if you read this before part 1. Although none if it my make any sense anyway. I'm really not a very good writer, but what the hell.

On Nov 3rd 1988 Margo and myself (Frank) married. We we're madly in love, and the first 7-8 years of our lives together we're a dream.

As you read in part 1 our lives were a challenge for the next 7-8 years to say the least. So many things happened during that period I only mentioned a few of the bigger things. Not even going into the financial part or many, many others. After all this is a blog not a novel. The main issue being my wives illness. Many times I thought during that period that wish my wife had cancer or some other more well known disease, rather then not really knowing for sure what she had or what the prognosis would be. It always worried me that the doctors weren't doing the right thing as they didn't know what she had in the first place. Although at Leyhe clinic outside of Boston in late 03 set her up on a regiment of IV treatments that did seem to slow down the disease for a while. But still the bottom line was her Immune system was attacking and killing her. Plus with numerous other health problems, COPD in her lungs, a bad heart valve to name a few.

By the time June 3rd 2003 came along I was using pain killers everyday. Taking Methadone, and snorting whatever else that was snort-able. Later in the year of 2003 Dilaudid was around and snorting that worked barely enough in keeping me going until this year. I was running on fumes after June of 03. Then on the other hand it was probably running me down even more. But their is no way I could have gone through quitting while trying to deal with that at the same time. We had almost zero support then. I was also trying to hold down a good job that is 48 miles each way. needing to keep that insurance going.

It was at that point when I started to plan on how and when to quit the opiates. My wife knew I was taking some of it, but I handled all her drugs by June of 03. So she really had no clue.
How was I able to take all I did without my wife going without? Filling the scripts on day 24-25 of a 30 day supple, and with my wife in and out of the hospital as much as she was, it was quite easy.
So when and how to quit. The when was an easy choice, when the drugs ran out. Since June of 03 I realize now I started subconsciously to prepare myself for grieving. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that my soul mate was not going to grow old with me, and their was nothing me or anyone could do to change it. We could only make everyday we had together as good as we could. I truly learned what it means not to take anything for granted. Just the simple act of holding hands, scratching each others backs, or even just talk to each other.
nigga gonna get spunned and have some fun
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