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So i went to my doctor yesterday in hopes of getting a increase in my MScontin dose. I have been on 60mg's twice a day now for almost 2 years and the pain has been getting alot worse as of late. I had to go to the clinic last week because my nerve pain was killing me and even though all i got was a lousy shot of demerol it atleast knocked me out.

So given all this i figured my doctor would increase my dose as i have been taking more and more breakthrough meds as well. But no the cunt was having none of it . And his reason for this? He said most of his patients where only on 30mg pills of MScontin . What a useless cunt of a bitches bastard. He bases my need for pain control and tolerance on the rest of his patients who probably have fuck all pain to begin with.

So what did i get? Another 30 lousy percocets and i have to go back and see his ugly cunt face again in a few weeks to get my MScontin. Fuckin hell! When i got outside i was raging. Even the percocets and clonazepam was not calming me down. I was just looking for someone to even give me a reason to punch their face in. But no noone was even looking my way. Most people myself included know not to attract the attension of someone who looks like they want to kick your head in. Im glad i didnt kick the shit out of anyone since i would have felt rather bad about taking my anger out on someone who didnt deserve it.

I went home and hit the weights hard which helped get out some of my frustration. Then i got high and tried to forget about it. Today im still abit riled up (mania maybe?) so after i work out i'll have to take some zyprexa if im not calmed the fuck down. No way can i handle family bullshit in this mood.

FINGER TIPPING PHENAZEPAM ecellent way to sleep for 18 hours

seroquel has no abuse potential. it brings me to a pretty fucking serene and calm place, a place I like sometimes. ime thats abuse potential.

Indeed I can!

In my time at Bluelight I could probably count the number of new posts that I've started on two hands, so it feels a bit odd to start writing something as self-centred (not in a bad way mind you) as a blog. But hey, why not?

So, the big news with me right now is that I'm contemplating a major career change. Currently I'm a chemist, doing mostly production work, but with a toe dipped in (as much as my paranoid boss will allow) to R&D. I love everything about the job... except the work. When I was in school, I had this image in my head of working as a research chemist, possibly in academia, and in the two years since graduating it has all fallen down around me.

But that's a whole other story. The one thing that I'm truly passionate about is food. So I'm thinking that I'm going to open a restaurant. I'd love to go to school to learn to be a chef, but I have yet to find a place that does vegetarian culinary arts training that ends up with any kind of recognized certification, and I'm unwilling to give up vegetarianism at the moment.

What am I to do? I've been toying with the idea of developing a vegetarian culinary arts program and peddling it to the local technical school, which has a rather good culinary arts program. Unfortunately I know firsthand that the faculty there are very prejudiced against vegetarians, so it would be a very hard sell. The fact that I don't have any culinary arts certification only makes it worse.

Other options? I'd love to do a vegan fine dining restaurant, and I have a few ideas for dishes-- all from a molecular gastronomy standpoint (my being a chemist and all)-- but that is easily the toughest restaurant to run successfully for seasoned pros, and I'm very much just an enthusiastic amateur at this point. Not to mention that my city has a fairly small market for high-end dining, and an even smaller vegetarian/vegan community, Alberta essentially being Texas North and all.

I'm thinking that maybe it would be safer and simpler to do a sort of veg/vegan fast food concept, sort of based on the Wok Box model. Basically the idea is to have quick and easy to prepare food that is tasty and healthy, but not just open-a-package-and-reheat. Outlets that are comfortable and a bit funky without being too posh; cool but not pretentious. Perhaps using a central prep kitchen for the entire city, allowing for fresh food made regularly with less strain on those doing the end-assembly.

I'm still in the brainstorming phase, and trying to figure out how feasible this is. In an ideal case, I'd get a few locations going strong under my own belt, and then use the capital and experience that I've picked up to work on a fine dining place.

So, thoughts? Vegetarians-- would you eat at a fast food place that catered specifically to you rather than have you as an afterthought at best? Omnivores-- what would get you into a vegetarian fast-food place?

Ps. I think that I really need to get a profile picture or something. It's been many years since I've had one.

Tomorrow I go to the Social Security Office for this 'rejection letter' that is apparently easy too get. Supposedly, I can bring this to this company in town that supposedly can place me into a rehab. Sounds too easy.

If it is that easy than I I might be doin' the rehab thing soon. I know it won't happen that quick but I'm still kinda nervous. Never stick a pin in myself again? Stop runnin' from shit? ALWAYS be straight? I've done it before but it still makes me nervous about what's to come.

I saw 'M' tonight. We tore each other up! My chest and stomach has her deep claw marks dug into me. I love that shit! Ya see, when I take a shower tomorrow, its gonna sting like a mother fucker. That sting brings back a nice image of the events that caused that sting.

I saw her a couple nights ago as well. I haven't had sex since we split so, needless to say, it was very welcome.

I still have insomnia. Even with weed, beer and OTC stuff I still can't sleep.

I sure would like to get high. Its not gonna happen though. Its 2:30 in the morning, I'm broke and to tell the truth, I just don't wanna hassle with pullin' shit together to get high.

Oh, I also picked up contact lenses over the weekend. My glasses just up and broke. I hated those fuckin' things.

I got nothin' of interest to really say so, I'm out

tes

icicles

summer needs to end faster >< my time in little studio has been decent these past dozen weeks or so, but i still haven't worked up to that sort of disciplined fervor i really need to find.

i'm entering in a little art competition this fall; the piece is probably 1/3 done. i'm not sure about it, but working on it makes my wrist and hand seize up and ache - i hope that this sort of tight obsessiveness comes out in the piece for people looking at it.

i've been having too much 'fun' this summer, if you know what i mean. i really fucking hope i can calm all that down and get to work this fall. this drawing thing has to happen - its really, really all i've got.

I'm on the tenth floor of an apartment building, in a city that is more sprawled out than built up, i a high part of the city. I see rainbows more often than most people, but they are almost always broken, not a full arch. Today I saw a full arch. I thought about grabbing a camera, but I know the batteries can not still be charged so I didn't bother.

An odd note about rainbows, it rains here a good bit of the time but I saw many more rainbows staying in the desert around Las Cruces, NM. It would rain for 45 seconds to two minutes, go back to dry, then boom there was a rainbow.

That's my iTunes and I still haven't filled the 120GB on my iPod.

Never the same track on repeat in over a month in something the size of a small mobile phone.

It still spins me out.

got to love waking up in a random house drunk as fuck with like 5-6 other passed out people nearby... only to initiate a wake n bake

I just get back from vacation last night-
I was with my family for ten days-
For the most oart it went really well-
We drove all over Colorado and got to see alot of the Rockies.....I saw my brother- which was more than awesome.....I tried to hang on to every minute with him.....He left Thursday for California before heading back to Iraq.
Today I am so depressed that I am almost numb.....if that makes any sense.
I cried myself to sleep last night and will probably have a pretty good breakdown again later when I thaw out my ice sheild again.
I had to harden myself a bit so I could get through all the stuff I had to do today- (and I only made it through the shopping part of the 'things to do' list)
My father made leaving a little easier than it would have been if he had been kind......I will go into that later- when I can deal with writing it out- right now it would just come out jumbled.....like the rest of this entry
Ack! I hate being depressed.

I am fully aware of the complicatiions.....I CAN inject as is, but is there any way to get out extra fillers, so its not so thick??

Reality does get easier to deal with. Or perhaps I'm not as foggy in the head since I haven't touched coke or H in 4 days. I have been drinking (predominantly beer) and for the most part I have only been drinking moderately because I've been exhausted.

Last night/this morning I fell asleep at 9am. The day before I fell asleep at 11am.

I remember the insomnia from abstinence but I've been smoking weed at night lately. You would think this would help me snooze

Fuckin' powders are powerful motherfuckers. I never had a physical habit for H (I can see myself easily falling into one though) but it still lingers in the back of my mind. Coke? I love it but, guess what? Quality is gettin' poor. I shot coke on Saturday and it wasn't worth it. I did a lot of money in one shot when that same amount of money for REAL powder should have yielded 2 or 3 shots.

Oh yeah... I did my first speedball on that Saturday as well. I fuckin' missed the shot pretty bad (probably three quarters missed the vein). I had two bags of H and two bags of coke in that barrel. The injection point has been hard, lumpy and painful until today. I can touch it and it is merely just a clump of scar tissue. No pain. I was startin' to worry about it for a second there.

I'm just lettin' life take its course right now. I'll voice my thoughts every so often for the important shit but my decisions for the past few months have been pretty poor so I gotta stop making so many decisions. The ratio of good results to bad results isn't in my favor when I'm foggy.

'M' and I are just taking care of ourselves separately. If it happens that we catch each other again than that's fuckin' awesome. If not, well I kinda remember a time when life wasn't all that bad. I was more secure and strong (i was clean then) That time wasn't too long ago.

I always want more, bigger, better. Is my pursuit of 'M' a part of that? Or should I just be enjoying what I have at the moment?

I know these answers.

Anyway, I didn't go to the Social Security Office for a rejection letter for medical assistance for rehab. I'll get there tomorrow sometime, I guess. Its gotta get done and I'm unsure if I'm making excuses or circumstances are actually valid interferences

bleh

Blood. I'm always fucking typing about blood. Maybe I'm inspired by the concept of the bloodline. Or maybe the feeling of power as the "blood boils". Or maybe I'm just obsessed with the actual power this viscous liquid has to denote life and death. Anyway, blood blood bloooooooood.

I absolutely hate those dreams where I feel frustrated. It's better just to have a straight-up nightmare full of spiders and shit imo. This dream was brought on by a party flier for a party that actually takes place tonight, featuring a DJ I will never forget from about 7 years ago: Charles Feelgood. I thought I would never hear him ever again.

So last night my dream begins:

The party takes place at a huge open-air club that has wooden boards for the floor and one of those grass ceilings, although there are indoor areas you have to go through in order to get to the gigantic outdoor party deck.

I was in the mood for a fantastic night, and in the dream someone had procured what he claimed were some incredibly good tabs. They were multicolored and dark reddish, which for some reason made them look magic in the dream. I took two, after not having rolled in more than two years.

The most important part of any night like this is the company you keep, and in my dream my best friend in the world, who I get to see rarely, was there along with two girls who I have known for more than ten years, never really close with, but definitely the coolest girls I know (best described as the kind you don't try to have sex with because they're like four levels above you in that area and its nice enough just to bask in their awesome glow and party away with them).

In my dream's plot and history, I had never had sex with either of these girls, although in real life I did have pre-mature ejaculatatory sex with one of them less than two months ago after not seeing her for close to 12 years. My dream being frustrating is probably a reflection of this bad karma in real life.

So the girl who I had sex with in real life is driving us all to the party in the dream because she doesn't do drugs and the rest of us are about to be feeling really warm. The pills kick in on the way, and when we arrive at the club to see what it looks like it feels like I'm about to put on a super-comfortable pair of slippers. Everything just felt so perfect.

So we get out of the car and my friend runs with the other girl to the entrance where the guards are taking tickets. They disappear, leaving the driver and I to follow. I specifically remember her holding my hand leading my fucked up ass to the entrance, and she was laughing and smiling, but then something happened: I noticed that there was someone sneaking around her car. The most painful moment in any dream is usually a "scene," and in this one it was a picture of my hand separating from hers in slow motion, with the background behind her full of lights, music, and warmth. I turned away and went to inspect the person who was hiding around around the car, and it was all dark as soon as I turned away - just a parking lot full of cars, and that guy sneaking around - and it was like someone turned the volume off on the party behind me. I turned around again and the girl was gone, into the party probably.

When I got closer, I noticed the guy was walking around the car with a strange device that looked like a metal detector. He confirmed that this was what it was, except that it could also be turned into a highly powerful magnet when you pressed the top button. Apparently, he was using it to collect coins and such.

As many of you know, spork has recently stepped down as mod for blogs, and while I've been doing what I can to keep things going here, it's usually not a good idea to have a single person moderating a forum. Having had my internet connection cut out on me a couple of times in the last month has really highlighted the need to have another person here for when for whatever reason I can't be.

So on that note, this is an official open call for applications for a position moderating Blogs! To apply please send me a PM with the following:

• An introduction: Tell me who you are, how long you've been an active poster, and a bit about yourself.
• An estimate of how many hours a week you think that you would be able to contribute.
• One thing that you like best about Blogs, and one thing that you would like to improve.
• Why you would like to moderate Blogs.

That's pretty well it. Blogs is a pretty chill part of BL, so the actual moderation part of the job is pretty minor. However, because it is a fairly new area there is a lot of opportunity to grow. New and creative ideas on how to get people interested in Blogs are very welcome.

The posting will be open from now until 21 August, so there's plenty of time to decide whether or not you'd like to apply. This posting is open to everyone, including those who are modding other areas.

Since we don't have the ability to do stickies or even properly bump posts, I'll be annoying and reply to this message regularly to keep it visible.

Thanks, and I hope to hear from many of you soon!

Soon I'll be getting DMT and other stuff, and I can't wait for that! Too bqd I have too. Getting more doi to to replace what I lost.


I'm bored. I want to get wasted, but won't. At least yet.

third time smoking sucked. I barely got high... more than the first, though.

I guess I just gotta get better at it.

Anyone else think pot leaves an awful taste in your mouth? Did you get used to it? The smoking part SUCKS... unless I get stoned out of my brains.

I just spent a month at a state psychiatric hospital for flipping the fuck out in public.

my asshole husband called from Iraq telling me we're getting divorced, I flipped out, fought with cops, landed my ass in the psych ward, where I fought with the nurses, took all nurses and 4 security guards to hog tie me and give me 4 shots of thorazine to get me in lockup. then was court ordered there. got out thursday, took so long cuz I was refusing meds (im bipolar apparently, and love being manic!!!) and I was fighting. now im court ordered followup care and to take meds, otherwise I get arrested and go right back in the hospital.

I am filing for divorce, already moved into a 2 bedroom house in the country with my boyfriend I met at the psych ward. I love him, he's a retired UFC fighter, and breeds and trains dogs and horses for a living. he makes money! (love em anyways, just a nice bonus)

lost custody of kids, will fight for that too once im mentally stable enough.

ill be back on more once I get a computer here.

whew, shit, that's all for now I guess.
love you and miss all u!!

So I have been having a very shitty week at work, my boss actually resigned weeks ago and didnt tell anyone and pretended to be just going on holiday but left permanently. What a sneaky cow, I thought of her a a mate. Another chick did the same thing except just never showed up again after having her shifts changed. We all feel like chumps at work- too much to do, too little staff.

Im going to get crapped on today when I go in as I wrote a letter to the night supervisor who was bullying my friend Wendy to the point of her being in tears yesterday. He and my old boss have had a constant campaign against her as she does do some silly things but in this instance she had done nothing wrong. I asked him if he was going to apologise to her as the summary of events makes him the bad guy. People dont like being the arsehole, I think he will just end up hating me now instead of realising what a dick he was.

I put my laundry on 2 days ago and forgot/ too tired to hang it out.

I came home and went to bed immediately yesterday as I was feeling shithouse.

My flatmate Declan washed and dried the whole lot for me and folded it.

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU

iT FEELS GOOD TO HAVE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NICE FOR ME.

A - Age: [28]

B - Bed size: [King]

C - Chore you hate: [Dishes! I HATE doing dishes and laundry]

D - Dog's name: [No dog- though I want one- but for now 2 kitties are enough]

E - Essential start your day item: [Coffee!!]

F - Favorite color: [Blue and green, too hard to choose]

G - Gold or Silver: [Silver]

H - Height: [5'8"]

I - Instruments you play(ed): [none]
J - Job title: [none]

K - Kids: [My girls, Fuzzy Buttons and Little Bitty]

L - Living arrangement: [Awesome house on over an acre]

M - Mom's name: [Who wants to know?]

N - Nicknames: [depends on who but mostly Dez, though I am erked when someone who I am not close to calls me that or any other nickname]

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: [No]

P - Pet Peeve: [Fake people, fake friendships,political and religious nuts-OH! AND people who say they want to just discuss one of those subjects and then argues with you instead of hearing a view other than their own.]

Q - Quote from a movie The Simpsons : [I am an asshole and don't really like the Simpsons ]

R - Right or left handed:

I was preparing myself to finally accept that 'M' and I were done. I thought I was beginning to accept it.

After talking recently, I find that I've pushed my hardness away. Fuck that phony shell that really never protected me from anything.

Man, love is a good thing right? I know that I'll always love this woman. I'm kind of a coward but brave at the same time. I'm a coward because I fear that I'll feel pain if we don't get back together. I'm brave because I'm risking repeating the pain of having my dream of being a family with her and her kids smashed into shards of glass. Its not the smashing that is terrifying. Its the piercing of the heart and emotions that these shards will most likely do.

I'm doing the right thing for the right reason so perhaps the pain will be lessened if things don't turn out as I am hoping for.

I need to get well first.