So this Sunday will be my 30 days clean. That's a huge accomplishment for me, so why do I feel so down?
"You know, it's rare that people with your problem actually stay clean."
Well fuck you. I'm trying to stay positive. It feels good not to wake up sick, not to spend all day getting money, not to shove dull needles in my arm, not to worry about APD or the pen.
Of course I miss New York. What if... I know I shouldn't be thinking about the "what if's," but I always do. My best friends got locked up not long after I moved down here, and I keep thinking, what if I didn't move? Would I be right by there side?
Sometimes I feel like I pulled through this just because I have no connections, so even when I do get a craving it's not like I can act upon it. I know that if I was back in NY I would caved in a long time ago. The dope down here is different than the dope in NY so I hear... I guess there's black tar here...
And I don't want to disappoint my Father or my little brother, who already thinks of me as a junkie. I know I should do right, and I want to. I've been going to many NA meetings a week. But I did meet someone who lives like an hour and a half away who is a junkie. I know I shouldn't do dope with him, but I want to so bad. And the problem would be getting out for the night. That would mean lying, manipulating and the whole 9 yards. My Dad is just up my ass because he doesn't want me fucking up. Well, I can't blame him. God I feel like I'm in middle school again. The only social life I have is when I go to work. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to talk to...
I also noticed now that I"m not on dope it's hard to "be myself." Especially at work, I become easily embarrassed for no reason and I find it hard to talk to people.
I've also gained weight since I've been here. I know that's normal, but now that I'm not on dope it's like I'm starting to obsess about my weight again.
I know I don't have a tolerance, so the next time I do dope I'm going to be completely out of it. And for some reason that is completely appealing to me...
"You know, it's rare that people with your problem actually stay clean."
Well fuck you. I'm trying to stay positive. It feels good not to wake up sick, not to spend all day getting money, not to shove dull needles in my arm, not to worry about APD or the pen.
Of course I miss New York. What if... I know I shouldn't be thinking about the "what if's," but I always do. My best friends got locked up not long after I moved down here, and I keep thinking, what if I didn't move? Would I be right by there side?
Sometimes I feel like I pulled through this just because I have no connections, so even when I do get a craving it's not like I can act upon it. I know that if I was back in NY I would caved in a long time ago. The dope down here is different than the dope in NY so I hear... I guess there's black tar here...
And I don't want to disappoint my Father or my little brother, who already thinks of me as a junkie. I know I should do right, and I want to. I've been going to many NA meetings a week. But I did meet someone who lives like an hour and a half away who is a junkie. I know I shouldn't do dope with him, but I want to so bad. And the problem would be getting out for the night. That would mean lying, manipulating and the whole 9 yards. My Dad is just up my ass because he doesn't want me fucking up. Well, I can't blame him. God I feel like I'm in middle school again. The only social life I have is when I go to work. Sometimes I wish I just had someone to talk to...
I also noticed now that I"m not on dope it's hard to "be myself." Especially at work, I become easily embarrassed for no reason and I find it hard to talk to people.
I've also gained weight since I've been here. I know that's normal, but now that I'm not on dope it's like I'm starting to obsess about my weight again.
I know I don't have a tolerance, so the next time I do dope I'm going to be completely out of it. And for some reason that is completely appealing to me...
