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Just got back from my appt. I'm off to rehab on friday morning.

This will be a clean start. 'M' and me are finally done. It has to be. I can completely work on me for me

I just barely got home around 4:30 A.M and it was a fucking waste of my time to even leave the house today. I ran out of all my dope this morning but I had just enough to get a half gram and I figured I can be broke for a week because my cousin owes me at least $10 for gas, then I start taking my little brother to school soon here and that is going to be $100 - $150 a week.

So, as I am getting ready to get dope I call up my homie I get it through and he asks if I will pick up a friend of ours too because he was looking to cop. I told him I didn't mind (when that should have been my first warning sign) so I picked him up and got downtown right on time. Once we were there we called up homie again to see where to meet him but his phone fucking died. We spent about thirty minutes looking for him with no luck then I told my homeboy (because he is in a wheelchair) that I was going to go walk and see if I saw him. I knew that this was where he was copping tonight so he had to be around.

Just as I was about to give up I hear someone shout Olive and it was dude. I could just tell right away that something was wrong, he was limping and the way he talked....he sounded so distraught. By the time we found a charger so he could call the dope man it was too late but he said if we met him 10 miles away he would still serve us...what a load of shit that was. I drive us out there and we waited for almost an hour, no luck. I should have seen that one coming.

After all that hell we start driving back and was going to just head home so I ask my friend to give me my money back and where I should drop him off. He stalls because he didn't know where his girlfriend was and once again...just my luck...she calls as soon as homie thinks he can get dope. Might I add this is like five hours later and personally I was ready to just go home, smoke a bowl, and put up with being sick...maybe even take a suboxone if it is that bad. Once we meet up with his girl she gets in my car and they are fighting like crazy. He and my other friend go inside this house where they think they can get dope while me and his Olive wait in the car...for FOUR FUCKING HOURS! .

To cut the story short I basically ended up wasting more gas giving my peeps a ride home because the buses stopped running and I paid $40 for a half and the dealer we got dope through ripped us all off and I only got maybe a dime. I did all the dope in one shot...what a fucking waste. I'm so pissed dude. That was seriously just about the last of my money.

Its the day before my interview to get into rehab. I feel alone. 'M' is the only friend I have right now but I have this sense that I'll never see her again. My family has stepped forward to help me but I am extremely uncomfortable around them so I avoid them.

I think people are avoiding me as well. I know A LOT of people and people tend to like me. This junkie life of mine has pushed them away.

'M' was VERY clear about the impact my suicide would have on her and others. It appears that I must suffer through this life so that others don't hurt.

I have toyed with the idea of just getting into a horrible car accident to give the appearance of my death being an accident. This idea doesn't have a definite end result so I guess I'm fucked by being forced to live.

I know that I am a kind, compassionate person that has the ability to help others. I just need to get better and take it from there.

Emotions are going to hit hard soon. I fuckin' cried on the phone talking to 'M' the other night. She has a lot of stress in her life, she doesn't need my stupid, self-inflicted shit added to the mix.

If they don't place me in rehab, I will have no choice but to continue self-medicating until my dog passes. After that I can do what's necesarry to finally get a respite from this fucked up world.

I hope they place me. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost.

Bluelight has shown me an enormous amount of love. Much of the time I feel undeserving of this love. I take take take. I try to give back but I fall short.

They'll place me. They HAVE to.

holy shit that was tiring, scary and stressful.

made in the door at 0634, under orders to take 200mg seroquell, 5ng prochlorperazine and 4mg alprazolamm as to reduce stres and beat the dexedrine back.

its somewhat sensetive/secure in nature, so if I know well, PM for the story.

I have no other distractions right now. My dad gave me a computer about 2 years ago (a Mac laptop). His broke so he asked if he could use mine. I deleted EVERYTHING on it. My poetry, personal writings, resume, pics of my dead ex-girlfriend are now all gone. I intentionally didn't back them up. I then deleted ANY file or directory that had the option to delete. I gave my mom the laptop to give to my dad and told her I don't want it back.
I don't have a tv (I usually just watch shit online) so, right now I am going nuts with boredom.

I have my phone that has Internet on it but it is limited in what it can do.

I'm feeling angry and violent. This is day 6 of not taking my meds and I can see how irrational I am being. I REFUSE to take them. When medicated, there is no happy or sad, just a sense of 'I'm here but I'm not human'.

I don't want to be in a state of numbness when I go to rehab. I need to feel so that I can address the things that need to be addressed. Otherwise I will be in counseling with nothing to say and I have things that need to be said.

I won't but I really want to hurt my dad. The fuckin' asshole called me a 'retard' and 'mental case' yesterday. Fuck him! How dare he judge me. I would love to stick a knife in him. He doesn't want me well, he just wants to sit on his throne and wonder why everyone isn't like him. Close minded, controlling and judgemental, yeah the world needs more assholes like him. What a jerkoff.

I REALLy want to get high right now. Its not an option. I just need to let time move and before you know it I'll be on my way to getting well.

even if you wont talk to me ms T I will still "stand on guard for thee" and employ my skills on your behlaf with 4x the effort I give it norally, should you end up in that situation. Which I dont wish upon you.

Remember this day. BURN IT IN YOUR MEMORY. don't leave anything out to make it easier on yourself. Man the FUCK up. He almost died. Paramedics said he was dead for a short time. This is more dangerous than you led yourself to believe you naive stupid fuck. ITS OVER. No more. Remember the blue lips. Remember the gurgle in the back of the throat. Remember the fear. No fucking more. Its OVER. It shouldn't have taken this to face that its over.

Fuck please be ok

I made a jam last night , which turned out to be a syrup- which was a disapoointment- BUT it tastes delicious!
I am trying to come up with recipes to use my syrup-
Here is my recipe for my Jam Gone Wrong-
1 quart Wild Blackberries
1 quart Plums (Red,Purple and Shiro yellow)
7 cups sugar (I used part unrefined)
A nice big squirt of Agave Nectar
A tsp vanilla
A tab of butter
I generous sprinkle of cinnamon
The juice of 1 lemon
1 package pectin

it is super yummy- Though I wish I had followed the directions on the box- I would have had jam but the syrup is so yummy, I really don't care
Any suggestions for using the syrup?
(Besides, on waffles,ice cream,cheesecake,pork,turkey and cream cheese sandwiches)

Just have to say that I LOVE MY MAN!!!

And I'm now 1/3 business partner in his business, I do all secreterial/admin asst work. I'm learning everything about the business (anyone want a german shorthair??) it is a million dollar business, this just shows how much he trusts me! and i love him! (and love what i'm doing!)

Hi everyone!

A quick announcement: as the title says, the blog moderator posting is now officially closed. If you really wanted to apply, but just forgot, then send me a PM and we can see what we can work out. Other than that, many thanks to those who applied! The admins will be busy with the server maintenance tomorrow, but I'm hoping we'll have a decision in a couple of days.

my best friend wont talk to me or see me except in an offical capacity.

10mm auto
12ga
or a bunch of meth?

A friend was having issues with his Vista laptop tonight, a Sony Vaio. The system is an artifact the time that Microsoft was bullying manufacturers and retailers into putting "Vista Ready" stickers on laptops which had Pentium Dual Core 1.6 Ghz (not Core 2 Duo) processors, 256-1 GB of Ram, integrated graphics cards, and 40 GB hard drives.

Windows XP Professional was what I was running around the time Microsoft was pulling these shenanigans, and by the time these stickers advertising Vista were being placed on machines (right before Vista came out), I sincerely believed (and still do) that XP Professional had been basically perfected. No real problems, period.

So this guy's system has the following specs:

1.6 Ghz Pentium Dual Core (not Core 2 Duo)
1 GB of Ram
Integrated Graphics
120 GB hard drive that redlines at 5200 rpm

....and this system is running Windows Home Premium. Just by looking at its performance (4 minutes to start up, and a bunch of other issues that basically reminded me of what it was like trying to play Tomb Raider 2 on a 133 Mhz system back in the day with a Permedia2 8 MB graphics card), I could tell that he had one of those systems that I mentioned in my first paragraph. The computer basically had no business running Home Premium. I could go on and on about what a clusterfuck it is that the whole industry allowed millions of people to buy machines that ran like shit with all the latest specs, but I digress. It just seemed like such an anomaly.

So I run a bunch of diagnostics, put it through a couple of hours worth of scanning wth various programs, and I'm finding nothing. And I'm also not about to wait for Vista's disk defragmenter to tell me it's defragging for the next two days without showing me a percentage completed marker on this system which would have run XP Pro perfectly no matter what.

I took his laptop home with me, and here it sits now running Windows 7 Ultimate Build 7137. I installed all of the updates, cranked all the effects to the max, put a bunch of gadgets on the desktop, and basically did all of the little cute things that the average, poor bastard who bought one of these "Vista ready" machines would have liked to do after seeing all of the neat "glass" effects on TV and being assured by the salesperson at Best Buy that Sony Vaios are great and the sticker says it is Vista ready so BUY BUY BUY (buy buy!).



So, the results:

Shutdown time is less than 20 seconds with open applications, as it should be. No choppiness in performance. Computer runs just as quickly as any of my personal systems do for every day computing (i.e. fast), and the little trick where you flip through the open applications on your desktop like an iTunes library runs quickly and with no glitches. Applications start up fast and are not clunky when they are initially opened.

A grand total of 57% of his 1 GB of Ram is being used right now during defragmentation, and no matter how fast I try to move individual windows around, the glass effect doesn't get weird and nothing jumps. Everything is smooth.

So what we have here is a completely shitty system by today's standards (although I'm sure it cost $1400 when it came out because it's a white Sony Vaio) that is doing everything a Core 2 Duo system with 4 GB of ram and a discrete graphics card would be required to do on Vista Ultimate. So now I have tested Windows 7 on a bucnh of different systems and it absolutely takes advantage of what you do have, and in this case it manages memory so well it turned this garbage laptop into one that is just as functional as any system that triples its specs and runs Vista.

The next system I am going to try it on is a Dell Desktop with a Celeron 2Ghz, GeForce 5200 and 2 GB of Ram. It is 5 years old, and I'm going to put Windows 7 on it just to see how well-engineered this OS really is. So far I am extremely impressed, and when I show my friend his system today he's probably not going to believe what he's seeing. The speed, the effects, the features. With his specs. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have progress. Microsoft, you are finally doing it right.

its getting ugly again.

like, 5 years again ugly.

wtf, how did this happen?

"This Life Ain't Worth Living" [chorus from my fav singer, Ville Vallo, HIM, "Join Me in Death."].

Just stopping in to Bluelight after a long absence due to severe depression/anxiety . . . really thought I was dying. (After the Meth O.D. I thought I damaged my heart . . . seems to be okay now.)

Trying to quit smoking & not drink as much as I was.

This economy really sucks. I still have income but can't sell anything (vacant land) & I'm stuck paying property taxes on the lots.

Some crooks have $700,000 worth of liens on my land, which according to law expire after three years. They expired, so now I'm gonna ask that the liens be removed. If so, I'll have lotsa $$$ and can get outta Babylon.

It's been a long, HOT summer stuck in Tucson. I planned to go on vacation all summer but the economy hit me . . . turns out, I coulda gone on vacation & not worried about anything. I didn't get anything done here anyway. Total waste of time.

Everything seems so hopeless. Only a miracle will make things better. (Like falling into love and getting outta Babylon.)

Peace & Love,

Raquel!

I have been taking T2s for almost a year now combined with klonopin to make me sleep, I'm in constant, unexplainable pain. It waxes and wanes through the day, it used to be a lot worse, but I'm still taking the pills every day. How do I live with the pain without the pills?

I'm going to the club tomorrow.
club tomorrow
club tomorrow
club tomorrow
club tomorrow

its gonna be a hella gewd time. : ) : ) : )

I'm all settled into my new house with my boyfriend, and things are going wonderfully. I'm at peace, thanks to Invega.

I found out that I have lost parental rights, I will not go further into that. Also, I found male porn at my house in Bill's stuff. Not mine. I have no problem with gays, but if my husband does like guys, he shouldn't have married me. That is speculation at this point though.

I finished moving. YAY!! I am now licing in a 6 bedroom house in the country with my boyfriend, and I love it! Its on 20 acres, we have a pool, horses, tons of lands! I'm so happy! He treats me so well!

Well, better go unload the dishwasher! Will be on more now that things are settling down a bit! Just have to find a job now. Also, Bill should be home in the net few weeks....

Just to say ive tried PFPP i put 0.60 M.G in a rizla then went for a power nap 45 mins later i got up buzzing was looking at a text on my mobile & the screen was flickering from left to right looked in the mirror & my Pupels was massive i fealt like phoning my friends & telling them how gud a so i did spending 130 mins yarning on 330 mins later was cumin down so ad another 0.40 M.G but did nt have the same effect take in one go !!!.

next day was buzzing had 120 M.G & was up for iy went out on piss was to lively for the pub more 4 clubing.

ps will edit the Gramer this blog later if needed !!!.

test

Today is Wednesday, May 20th, 2009 and it is now 5:40 PM here in the US.

Music wise, not listening to anything at the moment but have been listening to various Buddha Bar compliations as well as a Frankie Kuckles streamlined mix I had managed to snag on my MP4 before leaving the Philippines.

Knuckles is considered one of the instrumental people behind the entire House Music phenomenon. A native of Chicago, in the US, he and some cohorts were the driving force that created the genre Chicago House, which eventually gave way to the myriad of genres now known as "Dance," "Trace" and so on.

Books? I have been reading reams of mimeographed "Palestine Exploration Fund Quarterly Journals," which were late
19th/early 20th Century academic journals dealing with anthropology, archaeology, and social issues in the then Ottoman controlled "Palestine."

So...My trip...I did not want to talk about it before hand because first and foremost I am always cognisant of security related issues. Mindanao is an extremely dangerous place, as some may have gathered.

Then, I was not actually sure that I was even going to be travelling until I got my results letting me know that my Hep-C Treatment had failed. Although I did not mention it, I was also told then that I had a serious reaction to my latest PPD (Tubercular Skin Exposure Test). Obviously I was tested in the Philippines but not wanting to leave things to chance i sought my primary US provider's input as a second opinion, as to the results.

I had gone to the Butuan Doctor's Hospital, the best chain in the country as far as chains hospitals go, and was very sure I had something I had to deal with...but had my X-Rays sent to NYC for that second word...

My test last year was negative so I must have been exposed here on Mindanao, and I can only say that if it had to be something, better TB than Dengue, right? Dengue of course has no cure, whereas TB if caught early enough is not really an issue.

I also had some other things tot ake care of over here so I figured NY as opposed to Israel, though I would love to spend time with my grandchild in Israel.

However, my luck ran out as far as my flat in the Bronx and so I had to ensure that those things I cared about ended up in the right place,instead of left in the Project Courtyard, etc.

I hate this country but to be honest I needed a break, I need to decide what I am going to do with this situation concerning Rizza.

It is very complicated given the fact that Bisaya marry for life, and I have known her since she was an infant, blah, blah and blah. So, she is there, I am here and we will see how it goes, that is as much as I can say about it at this point...though I will not be here for long, either way.

I am in Brooklyn, in the Syrian-Jewish enclave, or as we call it in English, the "Enclave." it is where I spent my first few years on the planet, something I mentioned in "My Life" entries. It is better than Israel as far as a sense of community, for me, because here we are all in one small area, on top of one another where as in Israel, it has not been like that since the 1940s when we left Aleppo and Damascus, though it was really shattered in 29 in the Hebron Pogrom, something I have talked about ad naseum.

For those that might care, in the "Religion" Forum, there is a thread on "Cultures of Honor" (sic). In it, I posted a hyperlink to an article that talks about my Clan, and the Enclave here, so if anyone wants to know more (I have no idea why anyone would)...

Trip here sucked, as always. Took Cathay-
Pacific again...Took the ferry up to Manila where Dad and my eldest brother-in-law Ariel Tarik were already staying, since he finally gort his Visa for Northern Ireland, and they had to get the medical crap, etc out of the way. He will be reading at university there for 2 years if all goes well.

The ferry is a drag, 36 hours if there is no delay. Spent my time liberally indulging in Oxy and morphine for a chaser...got to Manila. spent a day hobknobbing with Dad and Ariel, had some good Chinese in Quiapo...You would think that with something like 12% of the Philippines being heavily Chinese in background that you would find great Chinese food all over the nation. Not so.

Chinatown in Davao is only good for bootleg electronics and only 3 or 4 stores at that! Chinese are the Jews of Asia, and like us they manage to infuriate a great many people since they tend to dominate business and education wherever they mograte.

In Mindanao "Chinoy" aka "Tsinoy," as the Filipinos of Chinese background are commonly known are targetted for kidnappings more than the rest of the population, and it is like that from Mindanao down south into Sulu. Just 2 weeks ago in Maguindanao they snatched a 20 something Chinoy out of the family warehouse.

Usually it is Abu Sayyaf, but there are gangs slash terrorist groups like al Khobar who specialise in this.

In Manila I also spent half a day at the only synagouge in the Philippines. it is in Salcedo Village, in Makati which for all intensive purposes is apart of Manila, out near Aquino, the international Air Port.

My Clan was 1 of 2 Syrian Jewish Clans that built the synagouge and imported the Rabbi, since we are all over Asia (though for some reason not in the Philippines...Go figure), but most people using it are Embassy Staff and the like...

I took a night flight into HK, spent an overnight on the free internet they have, and caught my next leg into Kennedy arriving this morning. I declared my morphine (having wisely finished my Oxy in HK), and again had no problem...though I did not exceed 50 tablets.

So, that means tomorrow will be spent getting on methadone for however long I am forced to stay here.

Next, I will be heading to Ruili in Yunnan, on the Chinese Burmese border, and after that perhaps Laos before they shut down the last commercial opium dens. I meant to head up there on my last trip into Cambodia but got lazy with that fat habit I developed...

Then, we will see about Mindanao...

Went to the Social Security Office today and finally turned in paperwork to get medical assistance. I really don't need medical assistance, I need a rejection letter for medical assistance.

Anyway, the lady at the desk told me to fill the paperwork (again), a case worker would review it and I'll have the letter today. Cool.

I was then told that I would have to wait 3 to 4 hours. I asked if I could just come back and was told that if my name is called and I'm not there, they just mail it to me. I told them to just mail it to me. I ain't waitin' 4 hours in a hot room filled with people.

I figure if they mail it tomorrow, I will most definitely have it by Monday (I live right up the street from there).

From there I take this letter to a placement agency of some sorts (I'll give the name of the place after I actually go through all this) and they say they can get me in the next day. With all the people seeking treatment, how the hell is there not a long wait list? I'm not complaining, I need this. I just don't get where they get the money to place so many people.

After the maintenance this weekend, and when I've confirmed the server is okay, I'm going to take a couple of weeks off Bluelight. I'm not really going anywhere, though I'd love to go up to Cairns if I had enough leave and work wasn't about to head into overdrive again.

Instead, the point of this is just to unplug from here and enjoy my weeknights and weekends to myself. I might even completely get off the computer and read a book. I also hope the time away sets the example to some of the more enthusiastic moderators here about the necessity of time away and getting their perspective back. Being caught up in the day-to-day drama of this place gets incredibly tiring after a while, so much so that I'm looking forward to this break as much as if I were going overseas for two weeks... which seems a little sad.

Not long ago I sat down and worked out that based on hours I spend on BL, calculated at the hourly rate my services would be contracted out for in the corporate world, I would be doing about $40k per year of "work" here. I could almost find that funny if it wasn't myself I was writing about.

While I'm away I also want to spend some time hanging out here, studying the song lyrics of Arcade Fire. Win Butler & Regine Chassagne's voices have been a constant in my life over the last twelve months.

I don't really care if they're indie, or emo or crap according to others. When they last toured Australia, I didn't really "get" them when many others did, and I didn't really like them... and then one day I just did. After which point, every one of their songs not only sounded incredibly beautiful but found resonance in my own experiences at the time, and still do.

"Ocean of Noise" off Neon Bible is probably my favourite song of theirs. It is one song that never fails to evoke an emotional response, especially from about the middle through the string section to the end. There were times in February this year I was on so much codeine I probably wouldn't have noticed if my arm was cut off but this song would always be able to get to me... would cut right through me.

There's a blog entry I want to make in two weeks so I may pop in to do that but otherwise you won't see me around much during my "holiday".

I just did a shot of some real good smack, I'm feeling fucking great right now. The stack of medical bills upstairs and my current job status are finally not on my mind. I've been stressing about them ever since I got back from camping this weekend which by the way, was a great vacation. I almost didn't go because I didn't have the money for pitch but decided I could spare a bag of dope and go have some real fun with friends up in the mountains. I still got dope of course (can't have much fun when you are sick), but only a half a gram instead of a whole one.

The trip was real nice, I enjoyed it a lot. I don't have much social interaction with people so this was a nice change. The whole trip was for my cousins friend Jessie's birthday so everyone was drinking every night making things interesting...almost too interesting and let me elaborate a little more on that topic. My cousin Jackie and my cousins friend Adrian are sort of "friends with benefits" at least that is what I would call it as much as she disputes it. I was hoping that the both of them finally got that fact that they could never be together in their head but apparently I was wrong. On the first night the two of them vanished for awhile from the camp fire and then when they got back you could tell something happened because they were being awfully close to each other and then when they went to bed it happened.

They were fucking in his car, now...don't get me wrong, it doesn't bother me but I don't want to hear what my cousin sounds like when she is fucking...I couldn't imagine anyone would want to know what that sounds like. I went for a walk and did a shot of heroin behind my cousins car where no one could see me then I started thinking. You know. She is just setting herself up for another heartbreak, she wants commitment from a guy who won't ever fucking give it to her and I just wish she could accept that and try to find the "right" guy. Even now I know she has to be upset because I know she isn't talking to him and won't see him for another year...how could someone give themselves up like for one night and be ok with it? I don't understand it...