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And now my blog begins. Never really been much of a blogger, but perhaps this could be a helpful outlet to me.

Does anyone know, has all of the old journal forum entries been deleted?

Man, I'm full of hope right now. I'm excited for this chance I'm being given. This chance to become the person I was meant to be. I already feel a sense of freedom from this 'life' I've been existing in.

I still use daily but not the amounts I'm accustomed to. I'm poor so I'm lucky to be able to get enough of 'this or that' to get through the day without going nuts from thinking and feeling.

I smoked weed today and slammed a bag of dope. It was good shit and I have a low tolerance so yay for me

Yesterday I shot a bag of coke (half gram), drank some beer and smoked weed.

Monday I shot 3 bags of coke (a gram and a half)

I'm on day 11 or 12 of being paxil free. I'm feeling minimal physical symptoms. On occasion I get those electric pulses in my limbs but the worst part of that is over.

I feel like true freedom is right around the corner and that once I get this ball rolling I can do ANYTHING.

I will have confidence again (not that cocky, self-centered confidence I had when I was clean before)

I can work a REAL job again. One with benefits, 401k and vacation time

I can be a decent, QUALITY mate to a woman. I'll have something to offer because I'll be me again with a more realistic viewpoint

I can move back to Colorado! I had abandoned that goal before because the woman I love would NEVER move so far away from family. She was more important to me than Colorado

I can start lifting again

I can write poetry and short stories

I'll be able to smile the kind of smile that comes from the eyes

I can help others!

I can get out and DO things as opposed to speeding home to that fuckin' spoon

I'd like to fall in love again and have that person love me to the same extent as I will love her

I can get married

I'll be able to look people in the eye

There is sooooo much this new freedom will grant me. Its kind of like opening a present and finding a new life filled with self-acceptance and barren of shame

I can stop being this 38 year old boy and FINALLY become a man.

I'm disappointed in my ex but I understand her reasoning. I saw what I wanted to see in our relationship. I didn't see the reality. I'm embarrassed that she may have stayed with me out of fear that if she left I would use more. I hope this isn't the case. That would be a HORRIBLE feeling to be trapped in a relationship for fear of being responsible for them falling further into darkness. I'll never know because my memory of events together are faded already

I can't wait to see who I become and what I can do of value to help reduce pain in others' lives

Not too much longer now. Its ALMOST time to get started on this!

I just need to remind myself that this very well could be the hardest thing I've ever done or attempted to do

If done properly, the possibilities will be countless

Eyes closed open mouthed smile on their face, tears on yours and a urgent whisper choking outta your throat barely drowning out that raggedy last breath.

A salty drop just like the bead of melted wax that slides a trail down the side of the candle you will light after the wake.

everybodys gonna fill the air with "so much potential"s and "such a tragedy"s, prayer cards will add a halo to try and cover up the reason for so many young deaths, but we all know angels aint blue.

Again, because I hate FB notes:

A - Age: [28]

B - Bed size: [Full]

C - Chore you hate: [Dishes! I HATE doing dishes!]

D - Dog's name: [My cat is very dog like and her name is Azrael]

E - Essential start your day item: [Water!!]

F - Favorite color: [Blue]

G - Gold or Silver: [Silver]

H - Height: [5'8"]

I - Instruments you play(ed): [Clarinet 6th to 12th grade. I recently got it back from my parents and want to start playing again]

J - Job title: [Captioning Assistant]

K - Kids: [Azrael]

L - Living arrangement: [Efficiency. No roommates=YAY]

M - Mom's name: [Maggie]

N - Nicknames: [kerrbear]

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: [Never]

P - Pet Peeve: [Fake people, fake friendships]

Q - Quote from a movie The Simpsons : ["You sunk my battleship hehehe"]

R - Right or left handed:

Ned Kelly's famous last words, before the noose was placed around his neck. A brave soul that one.

If you don't know who Ned Kelly is, then you're missing a great story.
Heath Ledger played him once if I'm not mistaken.
Last stand at Glenrowan, I've actually been there.

I just got back from seeing District 9 tonight. I struggled with accepting some of the concepts even though I really liked the movie. I'd say that's because my mind is on a many number of things as of late, nevermind.

I ate LSD on the weekend for the first time in a long time and went hang gliding at a whim over Lennox Head not far from Byron Bay. I gotta say hang gliding on LSD is a hell of an experience watching the surf below looking out to the horizon as far as the could see soaring withe occasional flock of seagulls.

Ahh I really should be off to bed, I seem to be logged in quite a lot lately.

Goodnight all.

I am shocked. But not.
My entire life my father has never taken the time to get to know me.
He has always been very confusing.
I know he loves me, and wants to do things for me, but he thinks very little of me.
While on our vacation, things were amazing- going so well and we were having so much fun.
Then- my father got angry b/c we didn't have a plan- I had been trying to make plans, mind you- but my mother said over and over 'you don't make plans on vacation' - I was happy to just be with everyone so tried to just go with the flow.
My father flips out SCREAMING at all of us in the car about how the trip has been disappointment after disappointment for him and we are just driving in circles. He ranted for a while- we all just let him. Then finally he says 'What are we doing? Does someone want to just pick an area for me to drive in circles?!?!?!blah blah blah'
So- I was being sincere and said 'Whatever is easiest for you, Dad.' And that was it.
All of a sudden it was me who took the rage.
He was attacking me and flipping out on me telling me if I sniffled one more time he was pulling the car over and dropping me off in the middle of Colorado.
He punches the gas (risking his families lives) and says 'Enjoy the ride- This is how he drives when I am pissed off' He FINALLY settles down and we go out to eat- He sits down and I sit next to him- we order and I get up to go wash my hands- when I come back he has moved all the way to the other end of the table- I let it go and he starts talking about things I don't want to hear- (he is a major republican and I am not- my mother and he said no political talk while I wsa there, we all agreed.)
But we get to hear all sorts of ridiculous comments on Obama. (I am talking, CRAZY talk that makes my blood boil- like Obama should be serving us- ) So I lose my appetite,go out for a smoke, without commenting on his nonsense- my brother comes out an says we should go panning for gold (I had wanted to do this and noone else did, so he was doing it to make me feel better) -
We go take a tour of the mine, and then panning for gold and my dad drives off while we pan......
We had an awesome time doing that- and the next night (after my dad ignored us that night and the next day) we go out and we all had a good time.
My dad and I seemed to make silent peace.
THEN the next morning was my brothers last morning with us and we are all at breakfast-
My dad runs a hotel and we were having breakfast in his restaurant.
My mom points at my dad and says very loudly that he is crying-
I said 'Thats enough-we only have a few hours together , lets just have a good time'
B/c I didn't want my dad to be embarrassed in front of everyone that he was crying- and if everyone started crying at breakfast it wouldn't be cool.
So we go to the airport and drop my brother off- which was awful.
I didn't want to let go of him- I kept thinking I would just hang on and he wouldn't have to leave.
He leaves, I ball like a baby and my dad doesn't talk to us for the rest of the day.
The next two days he ignores us completely.
We ate dinner in the restaurant and he walks by not even looking in our direction.
He knew we were there, he just ignored us.
The next day, same thing.
Then he drives us to the airport- the entire time telling my mom all about republican, fox news, crap.
I ignore it and talk to Andrew about home.
We get out to say our goodbyes and I thank my dad and tell him i love him- He doesn't hug me back he just pats my back and says nothing.
He shook Andrew's hand and ignores his Thanks.
SO I get home my mother was drunk (not unusual) and she is saying how my dad is upset with me, that he has to forgive me- and she told him it was between he and I.
Then she says 'and that is when he brought up your grandfather and how I lost a year with him over you' . This ENRAGED me.
The backstory here is-
I was 13, my grandfather and I were always very very close......but I had refused to go to church and he starts cussing my mom out at dinner- saying she is a terrible mother and I freaked out and got in his face and screamed 'fuck you' - He punched me, was ripping at my hair while my aunt held him back- he then chased me around the house before i made it to the stairs to run up and get away from him- he is all the while yelling at me that i am a whore, a slut, a devil worshipper and blah blah.
We left the next day and I didn't talk to my grandfather for a year and talked to him a few months before he died-
I was wrong for screaming at him like that- but I was 13, he was the adult.
SO my father bringing this up to my mother is in my mind, manipulating her to take his side.
Saying that it was my fault......
Anyway- I emailed my dad asking what his issue with me was and he says that basically I am self centered- have no self control- should have learned my lesson with my grandfather- I am disrespectful an dblah blah blah- Takes no responsibility for his own actions- instead, puts all the blame on me.
He has done this my ENTIRE life. Always.
He flips out and when I stick up for myself or my brother and mom, he acts like, how dare I!
Only once, he came back to me the next day and said he had respect for me to stick up for myself. (b/c it was alot of 'you are a disgrace to my name' - 'you are a loser' 'you are arrogant and the biggest disapoointment in my life' - i said he was wrong and he didn't know me)
I am so pissed off and basically at the end of my rope.
It is breaking my heart that I may not have a relationship with my father now.

I know some of you may not know me that well- but,
I have tremendous self control-
I have been to hell and back on my own with drugs and situations that should have required therapy but my parents couldn't admit it to themselves so denied me that....
One of my biggest faults is not being concerned enough with my self.
I put everyone else first.
I am protective and sure, will sometimes lose my temper- but I admit it when I do, and I didn't in this situation.
I think it is important for people to take responsibility for their faults, so they can then work to improve it.

I am so tired of always being his scapegoat and the one to take the blame for his faults......
I can't believe after all of these years he still has to be the victim and can't say 'I was wrong. I am sorry'
I just have to learn to accept that I will never change him and we will likely never have the relationship I want.

Since it is World Oceans Day I thought I'd make a little blog about The Ocean.........


I have a deep love for the ocean.....
She is vast and mysterious- calming and tumultuous- she is the heart beat of the earth, and gives us life....
I lived on the beach and moved about a year ago-
There is a part of me that feels this pull to be back near the water.....
I crave her sound and her smell.......
To me there is not much better than sitting on the beach or the cliffs and rocks and watching the waves come in and move out- watching the fish jump and the seals play or come out to sun bathe.....

I miss looking out over the ocean in sun and in rain,when she is still and the fog has settled over her, when the sun meets her and creates an incredible show of color, when I can see the moon look over her casting shimmery lights over black silkiness....
Imagining an entire world taking place under the surface.......So much life and beauty......

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea. ~Isak Dinesen

I find myself at the extremity of a long beach. How gladly does the spirit leap forth, and suddenly enlarge its sense of being to the full extent of the broad, blue, sunny deep! A greeting and a homage to the Sea! I descend over its margin, and dip my hand into the wave that meets me, and bathe my brow. That far-resounding roar is the Ocean's voice of welcome. His salt breath brings a blessing along with it. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

We carry oceans inside of us, in our blood and our sweat. And we are crying the oceans, in our tears.”
Gregory Roberts

I love watching storms. I was jealous when it was past our town to another. I watched the lightening strikes and thunder after it had hit us and I was jealous. I wanted it to be here.

A certain psychotherapist might say that it's a reflection of my desire to be 'there'. To be elsewhere. Where I feel in the storm, in the midst of it. The desire to always be within the action or drama.

Another person might tell me I just love storms. That I love watching the lightening on a visual level.

I do find it fascinating. Storms, that is.

Is it reflective of my personal reality or merely a fascination of the eyes?

I guess I don't know but I know I enjoy night storms immensely.

I love the pounding of the rain. I love the cast of the lightening. I love the boisterous reply from the storms. Maybe I just love the silence of it all in a way from the world.

I don't know. It probably doesn't signify anything but I think about it every time a storm rolls by; which by and of itself is extremely reflective for me.

Well, I came across 33 bucks. I bought a 6 pack of Molson XXX and am debating if I should head to the city for 2 bags of H or perhaps a coupla nicks of weed with the remaining 25 dollars.

My family is watching me carefully. Yeah I'm going to rehab friday but the game hasn't changed. I still need to use to get through a day.

I just need to play this game until friday. How many relationships can I destroy by then? How many bridges can I burn in a few days?

I'm a pretty good addict. I can lie, manipulate and act with the best of them. The thing is, I'm so fucking tired of all the extra shit a broke junkie needs to do to get high.

People (ignorant people) associate getting high with having fun. ITS NOT FUN. Yeah, its momentarily pleasurable but I can't remember the last time it was fun. Its an escape for me. An answer that dulls the feelings, the emotions, the self-disgust.

If I spend this money on drugs I'll need to come up with excuses for why I didn't use it for its original purpose. Also, I won't be able to slam dope until I provide those answers.

Am over my snit fit from last time. People are going to be the way they are. My situation is the way it is. I don't have to like it, but the sooner I accept it, the easier it becomes. I had been 4 days w/o speed and this time, unfortunately, by the 2nd day I fucking felt it. It's this horrible chronic fatigue that hits me. No matter how much or how little sleep I get, I'm tired. Too tired 2 even do my easy shit job w/o it seeming like a major effort. I cried Uncle today, finally. I called Scott, begged his help, so he came with a $40 bag and no more fatigue after one shot. That's a relief to be sure, but had to play it careful and safe. Mom has been scrutinizing me, so I did the social thing with her for about 4 hrs.

Now I'm back in my room, but have this upset stomach, yet I wanna do some shit, get a little high, damn it. Ok, gonna prepare me a do dad.....

Since I plan on looking back on these entries after getting well I feel I gotta say somethin about the end of 'M' and me...

I got a text from her monday morning that began with 'I'm done. I'm out.' The rest just said something along the lines of 'please don't contact me from this point forward so that I can move on from this'

I thought that we could be friends in the future regardless of romantic involvement. She has been a good friend so far but my guess is that she went to work and told her friend about my buddy's od at my place on friday. She listens to this person's advice without regard to her own feelings or thoughts. This friend must have advised her to get the fuck away.

Doesn't matter, really. Even if she called and changed her mind I am done with it. The amount of times she has played 'flip flop' with her decisions about us are many and its gotten stale.

She wasn't 'the one'.

No relationships for me for a while. When I do get involved again I'll be entering the relationship with a clear, clean head.

There will be so many changes and new experiences come friday. It'll be interesting to see what life has planned for me.

Checklist for rehab on friday:

Jeans
Boxers
Shirts
Shoes
Socks
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Cigarettes
Deodorant
Qtips (trigger?)
Cell phone
Cell phone charger
Stamps
Contacts and cleaner
Razors
Clippers
Soap
Washcloth
Positive outlook (good call ocean)
Addresses
Pens
Paper
Dictionary
Books

Things Shaman needs for boarding:

Antibiotics
Ear cleaner
Trio Toy
Big Green Giant Rope Toy
Schultzie Toy
The sock
(gross yes BUT I wore the same pair of socks two days in a row so that my scent would be strong. I'm tying one in a knot so he can chew on it and smell my scent)

Things I gotta get rid of before leaving:

Needles (don't forget the hidden ones)
Beer bottles
Robitussin
'M's contact info

I'll start by introducing the unit who did.

Its a small force of a few hundred operators. The country it self has a small, not very seriously taken armed forces. (howeverm they are highly competent and effective given their man power and budget)

within the SOF force, all members undergo the same initial training. From there, there are two streams. the "green" and the "black" stream. Offically, it refers to the uniform worn by the members, the green members focusing on SF operations in a conventional war, such as taking out high ranking officers, disrupting commo, and generally sneaking into the rear and causing trouble.

The thus wear the same uniform as the conventional members of the force, as its required under the laws of war, and keeps them inconspicous.

The black ops streaned nenbers, wear a basic uniform of black battle dress pants, a black tee, and black turtleneck sweater, with no epluettes or velco to affix a flag or a nametape, and either the boots, general purpose or their own choice of aftermarket boots, often Magnum brand. Then comes a black Nomex balaclava and some sort of ballistic eyewear, and finally, a pair of heavy, black leather or kevlar gloves. On top of that, goes mission specific gear. Body armour, helmets, tacvests\webbing, backpacks, and the like. The standard weapons are the countrys Service rifle, which is an AR-15 variant, and the HK MP5 sub machinegun. along with the entire lineup of Sig and Glock sidearns, at the operators preference. Operators Can, and often do request non standard weapons based on personal preference. Most of the time, the request is granted.

other standard, but special issue weapons are the parker\hale nodel 82 rifle, m203 grenade launcher, FN MAG and browning M2.

then come the odd balls, requested by operators themselves out of personal prefererence.

I'll carry on with more tomorrow. I'm fucking tired.

Just got back from my appt. I'm off to rehab on friday morning.

This will be a clean start. 'M' and me are finally done. It has to be. I can completely work on me for me

I just barely got home around 4:30 A.M and it was a fucking waste of my time to even leave the house today. I ran out of all my dope this morning but I had just enough to get a half gram and I figured I can be broke for a week because my cousin owes me at least $10 for gas, then I start taking my little brother to school soon here and that is going to be $100 - $150 a week.

So, as I am getting ready to get dope I call up my homie I get it through and he asks if I will pick up a friend of ours too because he was looking to cop. I told him I didn't mind (when that should have been my first warning sign) so I picked him up and got downtown right on time. Once we were there we called up homie again to see where to meet him but his phone fucking died. We spent about thirty minutes looking for him with no luck then I told my homeboy (because he is in a wheelchair) that I was going to go walk and see if I saw him. I knew that this was where he was copping tonight so he had to be around.

Just as I was about to give up I hear someone shout Olive and it was dude. I could just tell right away that something was wrong, he was limping and the way he talked....he sounded so distraught. By the time we found a charger so he could call the dope man it was too late but he said if we met him 10 miles away he would still serve us...what a load of shit that was. I drive us out there and we waited for almost an hour, no luck. I should have seen that one coming.

After all that hell we start driving back and was going to just head home so I ask my friend to give me my money back and where I should drop him off. He stalls because he didn't know where his girlfriend was and once again...just my luck...she calls as soon as homie thinks he can get dope. Might I add this is like five hours later and personally I was ready to just go home, smoke a bowl, and put up with being sick...maybe even take a suboxone if it is that bad. Once we meet up with his girl she gets in my car and they are fighting like crazy. He and my other friend go inside this house where they think they can get dope while me and his Olive wait in the car...for FOUR FUCKING HOURS! .

To cut the story short I basically ended up wasting more gas giving my peeps a ride home because the buses stopped running and I paid $40 for a half and the dealer we got dope through ripped us all off and I only got maybe a dime. I did all the dope in one shot...what a fucking waste. I'm so pissed dude. That was seriously just about the last of my money.

Its the day before my interview to get into rehab. I feel alone. 'M' is the only friend I have right now but I have this sense that I'll never see her again. My family has stepped forward to help me but I am extremely uncomfortable around them so I avoid them.

I think people are avoiding me as well. I know A LOT of people and people tend to like me. This junkie life of mine has pushed them away.

'M' was VERY clear about the impact my suicide would have on her and others. It appears that I must suffer through this life so that others don't hurt.

I have toyed with the idea of just getting into a horrible car accident to give the appearance of my death being an accident. This idea doesn't have a definite end result so I guess I'm fucked by being forced to live.

I know that I am a kind, compassionate person that has the ability to help others. I just need to get better and take it from there.

Emotions are going to hit hard soon. I fuckin' cried on the phone talking to 'M' the other night. She has a lot of stress in her life, she doesn't need my stupid, self-inflicted shit added to the mix.

If they don't place me in rehab, I will have no choice but to continue self-medicating until my dog passes. After that I can do what's necesarry to finally get a respite from this fucked up world.

I hope they place me. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost.

Bluelight has shown me an enormous amount of love. Much of the time I feel undeserving of this love. I take take take. I try to give back but I fall short.

They'll place me. They HAVE to.

holy shit that was tiring, scary and stressful.

made in the door at 0634, under orders to take 200mg seroquell, 5ng prochlorperazine and 4mg alprazolamm as to reduce stres and beat the dexedrine back.

its somewhat sensetive/secure in nature, so if I know well, PM for the story.

I have no other distractions right now. My dad gave me a computer about 2 years ago (a Mac laptop). His broke so he asked if he could use mine. I deleted EVERYTHING on it. My poetry, personal writings, resume, pics of my dead ex-girlfriend are now all gone. I intentionally didn't back them up. I then deleted ANY file or directory that had the option to delete. I gave my mom the laptop to give to my dad and told her I don't want it back.
I don't have a tv (I usually just watch shit online) so, right now I am going nuts with boredom.

I have my phone that has Internet on it but it is limited in what it can do.

I'm feeling angry and violent. This is day 6 of not taking my meds and I can see how irrational I am being. I REFUSE to take them. When medicated, there is no happy or sad, just a sense of 'I'm here but I'm not human'.

I don't want to be in a state of numbness when I go to rehab. I need to feel so that I can address the things that need to be addressed. Otherwise I will be in counseling with nothing to say and I have things that need to be said.

I won't but I really want to hurt my dad. The fuckin' asshole called me a 'retard' and 'mental case' yesterday. Fuck him! How dare he judge me. I would love to stick a knife in him. He doesn't want me well, he just wants to sit on his throne and wonder why everyone isn't like him. Close minded, controlling and judgemental, yeah the world needs more assholes like him. What a jerkoff.

I REALLy want to get high right now. Its not an option. I just need to let time move and before you know it I'll be on my way to getting well.

even if you wont talk to me ms T I will still "stand on guard for thee" and employ my skills on your behlaf with 4x the effort I give it norally, should you end up in that situation. Which I dont wish upon you.

Remember this day. BURN IT IN YOUR MEMORY. don't leave anything out to make it easier on yourself. Man the FUCK up. He almost died. Paramedics said he was dead for a short time. This is more dangerous than you led yourself to believe you naive stupid fuck. ITS OVER. No more. Remember the blue lips. Remember the gurgle in the back of the throat. Remember the fear. No fucking more. Its OVER. It shouldn't have taken this to face that its over.

Fuck please be ok

I made a jam last night , which turned out to be a syrup- which was a disapoointment- BUT it tastes delicious!
I am trying to come up with recipes to use my syrup-
Here is my recipe for my Jam Gone Wrong-
1 quart Wild Blackberries
1 quart Plums (Red,Purple and Shiro yellow)
7 cups sugar (I used part unrefined)
A nice big squirt of Agave Nectar
A tsp vanilla
A tab of butter
I generous sprinkle of cinnamon
The juice of 1 lemon
1 package pectin

it is super yummy- Though I wish I had followed the directions on the box- I would have had jam but the syrup is so yummy, I really don't care
Any suggestions for using the syrup?
(Besides, on waffles,ice cream,cheesecake,pork,turkey and cream cheese sandwiches)

Just have to say that I LOVE MY MAN!!!

And I'm now 1/3 business partner in his business, I do all secreterial/admin asst work. I'm learning everything about the business (anyone want a german shorthair??) it is a million dollar business, this just shows how much he trusts me! and i love him! (and love what i'm doing!)