I am shocked. But not.
My entire life my father has never taken the time to get to know me.
He has always been very confusing.
I know he loves me, and wants to do things for me, but he thinks very little of me.
While on our vacation, things were amazing- going so well and we were having so much fun.
Then- my father got angry b/c we didn't have a plan- I had been trying to make plans, mind you- but my mother said over and over 'you don't make plans on vacation' - I was happy to just be with everyone so tried to just go with the flow.
My father flips out SCREAMING at all of us in the car about how the trip has been disappointment after disappointment for him and we are just driving in circles. He ranted for a while- we all just let him. Then finally he says 'What are we doing? Does someone want to just pick an area for me to drive in circles?!?!?!blah blah blah'
So- I was being sincere and said 'Whatever is easiest for you, Dad.' And that was it.
All of a sudden it was me who took the rage.
He was attacking me and flipping out on me telling me if I sniffled one more time he was pulling the car over and dropping me off in the middle of Colorado.
He punches the gas (risking his families lives) and says 'Enjoy the ride- This is how he drives when I am pissed off' He FINALLY settles down and we go out to eat- He sits down and I sit next to him- we order and I get up to go wash my hands- when I come back he has moved all the way to the other end of the table- I let it go and he starts talking about things I don't want to hear- (he is a major republican and I am not- my mother and he said no political talk while I wsa there, we all agreed.)
But we get to hear all sorts of ridiculous comments on Obama. (I am talking, CRAZY talk that makes my blood boil- like Obama should be serving us- ) So I lose my appetite,go out for a smoke, without commenting on his nonsense- my brother comes out an says we should go panning for gold (I had wanted to do this and noone else did, so he was doing it to make me feel better) -
We go take a tour of the mine, and then panning for gold and my dad drives off while we pan......
We had an awesome time doing that- and the next night (after my dad ignored us that night and the next day) we go out and we all had a good time.
My dad and I seemed to make silent peace.
THEN the next morning was my brothers last morning with us and we are all at breakfast-
My dad runs a hotel and we were having breakfast in his restaurant.
My mom points at my dad and says very loudly that he is crying-
I said 'Thats enough-we only have a few hours together , lets just have a good time'
B/c I didn't want my dad to be embarrassed in front of everyone that he was crying- and if everyone started crying at breakfast it wouldn't be cool.
So we go to the airport and drop my brother off- which was awful.
I didn't want to let go of him- I kept thinking I would just hang on and he wouldn't have to leave.
He leaves, I ball like a baby and my dad doesn't talk to us for the rest of the day.
The next two days he ignores us completely.
We ate dinner in the restaurant and he walks by not even looking in our direction.
He knew we were there, he just ignored us.
The next day, same thing.
Then he drives us to the airport- the entire time telling my mom all about republican, fox news, crap.
I ignore it and talk to Andrew about home.
We get out to say our goodbyes and I thank my dad and tell him i love him- He doesn't hug me back he just pats my back and says nothing.
He shook Andrew's hand and ignores his Thanks.
SO I get home my mother was drunk (not unusual) and she is saying how my dad is upset with me, that he has to forgive me- and she told him it was between he and I.
Then she says 'and that is when he brought up your grandfather and how I lost a year with him over you' . This ENRAGED me.
The backstory here is-
I was 13, my grandfather and I were always very very close......but I had refused to go to church and he starts cussing my mom out at dinner- saying she is a terrible mother and I freaked out and got in his face and screamed 'fuck you' - He punched me, was ripping at my hair while my aunt held him back- he then chased me around the house before i made it to the stairs to run up and get away from him- he is all the while yelling at me that i am a whore, a slut, a devil worshipper and blah blah.
We left the next day and I didn't talk to my grandfather for a year and talked to him a few months before he died-
I was wrong for screaming at him like that- but I was 13, he was the adult.
SO my father bringing this up to my mother is in my mind, manipulating her to take his side.
Saying that it was my fault......
Anyway- I emailed my dad asking what his issue with me was and he says that basically I am self centered- have no self control- should have learned my lesson with my grandfather- I am disrespectful an dblah blah blah- Takes no responsibility for his own actions- instead, puts all the blame on me.
He has done this my ENTIRE life. Always.
He flips out and when I stick up for myself or my brother and mom, he acts like, how dare I!
Only once, he came back to me the next day and said he had respect for me to stick up for myself. (b/c it was alot of 'you are a disgrace to my name' - 'you are a loser' 'you are arrogant and the biggest disapoointment in my life' - i said he was wrong and he didn't know me)
I am so pissed off and basically at the end of my rope.
It is breaking my heart that I may not have a relationship with my father now.
I know some of you may not know me that well- but,
I have tremendous self control-
I have been to hell and back on my own with drugs and situations that should have required therapy but my parents couldn't admit it to themselves so denied me that....
One of my biggest faults is not being concerned enough with my self.
I put everyone else first.
I am protective and sure, will sometimes lose my temper- but I admit it when I do, and I didn't in this situation.
I think it is important for people to take responsibility for their faults, so they can then work to improve it.
I am so tired of always being his scapegoat and the one to take the blame for his faults......
I can't believe after all of these years he still has to be the victim and can't say 'I was wrong. I am sorry'
I just have to learn to accept that I will never change him and we will likely never have the relationship I want.
I used to do much much more.
