Its the day before my interview to get into rehab. I feel alone. 'M' is the only friend I have right now but I have this sense that I'll never see her again. My family has stepped forward to help me but I am extremely uncomfortable around them so I avoid them.
I think people are avoiding me as well. I know A LOT of people and people tend to like me. This junkie life of mine has pushed them away.
'M' was VERY clear about the impact my suicide would have on her and others. It appears that I must suffer through this life so that others don't hurt.
I have toyed with the idea of just getting into a horrible car accident to give the appearance of my death being an accident. This idea doesn't have a definite end result so I guess I'm fucked by being forced to live.
I know that I am a kind, compassionate person that has the ability to help others. I just need to get better and take it from there.
Emotions are going to hit hard soon. I fuckin' cried on the phone talking to 'M' the other night. She has a lot of stress in her life, she doesn't need my stupid, self-inflicted shit added to the mix.
If they don't place me in rehab, I will have no choice but to continue self-medicating until my dog passes. After that I can do what's necesarry to finally get a respite from this fucked up world.
I hope they place me. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost.
Bluelight has shown me an enormous amount of love. Much of the time I feel undeserving of this love. I take take take. I try to give back but I fall short.
They'll place me. They HAVE to.
I think people are avoiding me as well. I know A LOT of people and people tend to like me. This junkie life of mine has pushed them away.
'M' was VERY clear about the impact my suicide would have on her and others. It appears that I must suffer through this life so that others don't hurt.
I have toyed with the idea of just getting into a horrible car accident to give the appearance of my death being an accident. This idea doesn't have a definite end result so I guess I'm fucked by being forced to live.
I know that I am a kind, compassionate person that has the ability to help others. I just need to get better and take it from there.
Emotions are going to hit hard soon. I fuckin' cried on the phone talking to 'M' the other night. She has a lot of stress in her life, she doesn't need my stupid, self-inflicted shit added to the mix.
If they don't place me in rehab, I will have no choice but to continue self-medicating until my dog passes. After that I can do what's necesarry to finally get a respite from this fucked up world.
I hope they place me. I'm tired, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm lost.
Bluelight has shown me an enormous amount of love. Much of the time I feel undeserving of this love. I take take take. I try to give back but I fall short.
They'll place me. They HAVE to.
