Fatherly Love......or lack there of.

I am shocked. But not.
My entire life my father has never taken the time to get to know me.
He has always been very confusing.
I know he loves me, and wants to do things for me, but he thinks very little of me.
While on our vacation, things were amazing- going so well and we were having so much fun.
Then- my father got angry b/c we didn't have a plan- I had been trying to make plans, mind you- but my mother said over and over 'you don't make plans on vacation' - I was happy to just be with everyone so tried to just go with the flow.
My father flips out SCREAMING at all of us in the car about how the trip has been disappointment after disappointment for him and we are just driving in circles. He ranted for a while- we all just let him. Then finally he says 'What are we doing? Does someone want to just pick an area for me to drive in circles?!?!?!blah blah blah'
So- I was being sincere and said 'Whatever is easiest for you, Dad.' And that was it.
All of a sudden it was me who took the rage.
He was attacking me and flipping out on me telling me if I sniffled one more time he was pulling the car over and dropping me off in the middle of Colorado.
He punches the gas (risking his families lives) and says 'Enjoy the ride- This is how he drives when I am pissed off' He FINALLY settles down and we go out to eat- He sits down and I sit next to him- we order and I get up to go wash my hands- when I come back he has moved all the way to the other end of the table- I let it go and he starts talking about things I don't want to hear- (he is a major republican and I am not- my mother and he said no political talk while I wsa there, we all agreed.)
But we get to hear all sorts of ridiculous comments on Obama. (I am talking, CRAZY talk that makes my blood boil- like Obama should be serving us- ) So I lose my appetite,go out for a smoke, without commenting on his nonsense- my brother comes out an says we should go panning for gold (I had wanted to do this and noone else did, so he was doing it to make me feel better) -
We go take a tour of the mine, and then panning for gold and my dad drives off while we pan......
We had an awesome time doing that- and the next night (after my dad ignored us that night and the next day) we go out and we all had a good time.
My dad and I seemed to make silent peace.
THEN the next morning was my brothers last morning with us and we are all at breakfast-
My dad runs a hotel and we were having breakfast in his restaurant.
My mom points at my dad and says very loudly that he is crying-
I said 'Thats enough-we only have a few hours together , lets just have a good time'
B/c I didn't want my dad to be embarrassed in front of everyone that he was crying- and if everyone started crying at breakfast it wouldn't be cool.
So we go to the airport and drop my brother off- which was awful.
I didn't want to let go of him- I kept thinking I would just hang on and he wouldn't have to leave.
He leaves, I ball like a baby and my dad doesn't talk to us for the rest of the day.
The next two days he ignores us completely.
We ate dinner in the restaurant and he walks by not even looking in our direction.
He knew we were there, he just ignored us.
The next day, same thing.
Then he drives us to the airport- the entire time telling my mom all about republican, fox news, crap.
I ignore it and talk to Andrew about home.
We get out to say our goodbyes and I thank my dad and tell him i love him- He doesn't hug me back he just pats my back and says nothing.
He shook Andrew's hand and ignores his Thanks.
SO I get home my mother was drunk (not unusual) and she is saying how my dad is upset with me, that he has to forgive me- and she told him it was between he and I.
Then she says 'and that is when he brought up your grandfather and how I lost a year with him over you' . This ENRAGED me.
The backstory here is-
I was 13, my grandfather and I were always very very close......but I had refused to go to church and he starts cussing my mom out at dinner- saying she is a terrible mother and I freaked out and got in his face and screamed 'fuck you' - He punched me, was ripping at my hair while my aunt held him back- he then chased me around the house before i made it to the stairs to run up and get away from him- he is all the while yelling at me that i am a whore, a slut, a devil worshipper and blah blah.
We left the next day and I didn't talk to my grandfather for a year and talked to him a few months before he died-
I was wrong for screaming at him like that- but I was 13, he was the adult.
SO my father bringing this up to my mother is in my mind, manipulating her to take his side.
Saying that it was my fault......
Anyway- I emailed my dad asking what his issue with me was and he says that basically I am self centered- have no self control- should have learned my lesson with my grandfather- I am disrespectful an dblah blah blah- Takes no responsibility for his own actions- instead, puts all the blame on me.
He has done this my ENTIRE life. Always.
He flips out and when I stick up for myself or my brother and mom, he acts like, how dare I!
Only once, he came back to me the next day and said he had respect for me to stick up for myself. (b/c it was alot of 'you are a disgrace to my name' - 'you are a loser' 'you are arrogant and the biggest disapoointment in my life' - i said he was wrong and he didn't know me)
I am so pissed off and basically at the end of my rope.
It is breaking my heart that I may not have a relationship with my father now.

I know some of you may not know me that well- but,
I have tremendous self control-
I have been to hell and back on my own with drugs and situations that should have required therapy but my parents couldn't admit it to themselves so denied me that....
One of my biggest faults is not being concerned enough with my self.
I put everyone else first.
I am protective and sure, will sometimes lose my temper- but I admit it when I do, and I didn't in this situation.
I think it is important for people to take responsibility for their faults, so they can then work to improve it.

I am so tired of always being his scapegoat and the one to take the blame for his faults......
I can't believe after all of these years he still has to be the victim and can't say 'I was wrong. I am sorry'
I just have to learn to accept that I will never change him and we will likely never have the relationship I want.

 

HUGS. That's a shitty situation, My Dad and I used to fight and argue all the time, the older I got and the further I distanced myself the more he realised what a tool he had been.
In time we forgot about the past and we have a great relationship.

I hope things can get better for you over time

 

Sounds like your dad is pretty set in his ways. I'm sorry that your vacation (which sounded and looked BEAUTIFUL from the pics) ended so poorly. I wish your brother safety in Iraq. Hopefully he'll be home soon

 

Jesus fracking christ. Some people just seem to have it locked into their minds that unless their children are in complete and absolute agreement (and are of course absolutely and silently obedient) with every bit of nonsense that they spout, then they are being disrespectful. That's not respect, that's fear. It is entirely possible to respectfully disagree; it's something that civil people do all the time. Nobody's opinion is above criticism. Period.

I'm so sorry to hear that all this happened on your vacation of all times. It must have been hard enough having to deal with your brother leaving, but to have such drama with your father is terrible. All I can say is that you're a far stronger person that I am. With a situation like that, I would have left far earlier.

I wish that I could offer some sage advice about what to do about your father, but I think that the key is that you need to do what is best for you. If you apologize to him, then you're legitimizing his behaviour, if you distance yourself, you legitimize his opinion. It sounds like he's the sort to just sit and stew and get angrier, but you can still hope that in time he'll mellow out. Regardless, I'll be thinking positive thoughts in your direction as often as I can.

Be well.

 

Thanks .......
And Dave, it sounds like you really know my dad haha
I sent him an email last night and told him what I thought.
I said what I wanted to b/c I felt, that by letting it go, I would be continuing to allow him to get away with that sort of treatment.
He sent an email back that read 'Thank You' - and I knew that meant he blew me off.....
My mother called, said he told her I sent the email and she could read it, she said it was between us- but asked what it said and he said, he only read the first paragraph and a half and couldn't read it anymore....it was too long and he was too busy.
THEN she began trying to twist the situation around on me- she was really reaching- and really pissed me off.

I have decided that no matter what I say, no matter what I do, they will always have the same opinion of me.
So I give up.
I don't want to try to make them accept me .

 

I lost all of my family (mom.dad,brother) through different tragic accidents at a very young age and I used to think that I had it really bad because of that. But now I wander...Did I have it worse because I had no one? Or do I have it better because I was never made to feel unhuman by my own family? I certainly feel for you and your situation and hope things improve or atleast balance out somewhat. I would suggest (of course not knowing your faith or lack there of) praying for him...I can see through your posts and this blog that you are a selfless person and that will not only increase that character asset but In my experience it will also truely enable you to let go and let god (or who/whatever you believe in to take control and "heal" the situation...

Thanks for being so open about this, It helps not only you but myself in my circumstances and others in theirs as well...

MethodOne
or just Matt

 

Method One, Thank you.
I am sorry that you lost your family, I can not imagine how hard that is.
This issue with my father has been an ongoing thing since I was young- always the same, and it is a very deep hurt.
I was really taken back by you saying "I was never made to feel unhuman by my own family" I actually used those words yesterday-

I am not a Christian but I have been dealing with this on a spiritual level as well.

I really appreciate your response.
It means alot to me.

 

Babe i really don't know what to say other than you just focus on your life, with your hubby. Your father sounds like a lost cause and a very bitter, miserable man. Just because he is your father doesn't mean you have to tolerate any of this crap. That is disgusting how he treated you on your vacation. I don't understand the man - you are his child! His flesh and blood! He sounds like he isn't worth your efforts as it's clear he isn't, and doesn't want to change.

I think the next time you speak to him, has to be after HE has contacted you. That's just my opinion anyways. I hate rifts in families and know how it feels to be fighting with a loved one like that, but when it comes down to it, if you feel like you are in a no win situation and just feel down trodden all the time, then you need to just walk away.

I hope you're ok You poor thing. You're a good person, don't let anyone tell you different.

 

Thanks *mom*
You're such a sweetie