I had a really good last week at work and this week has sucked, I’m at $200 after two shifts. There is no rhyme or reason to this job and it’s what I can’t take. I feel like the night is good or bad and it has nothing to do with me—I get lucky with customers and that’s out of my control, and some nights the customers seem to love me and other nights they don’t. I can wear the same clothes and say the same shit and do my hair and make up the same way and it doesn’t seem to make a difference.
What I hate is not even when I leave work with $100 but how much I feel like I failed myself and everyone there. I hate leaving work and not having made the club any money or having anything to tip anyone. It’s embarrassing and I feel like everyone thinks I suck at my job. If I’m just not hustling then I know it pisses them off, but if I’m hustling my ass off and no one is buying then it’s just embarrassing. It’s a really fucking bizarre situation to be a stripper—we are what makes the club money and if we make them money then they love us and if we don’t then we’re just a failure. But they have no respect or see any value in us unless we make them money; if we’re crying because we don’t have rent or some customer was a grabby asshole they tell us to go in the dressing room so we don’t scare the customers. To the customers we’re the same thing, they want as much as they can get for as cheap as they can get but they don’t give a shit about us, any skinny blonde stripper will pretty much do. Its fun and its fucking stressful to go into work knowing you could walk out with an infinite amount of money or you could walk out with nothing.
The highs and lows are also what I cannot deal with. At the gym my job was completely separate from who I was or how I saw myself. At the club I am basically working a sales job but the product I am selling is myself and so I can’t separate myself from it. Sometimes my night is filled with guys telling me over and over again how perfect I am and spending tons of money and I leave thinking I’m perfect and the hottest girl in the world. Other nights I can’t sell a dance to save my life and leave wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
And within the club there is so much bullshit. I can’t work at my old club anymore after working at this new one… it’s so much easier to make money and the possibilities for making money are so much higher. And I can’t put up with the insanely ridiculous amount of drama that is there, the last night I worked I had a girl telling customers and the manager I had a disease. Drama is less at this club but its still there, and even though I tried really hard not get involved in it when I started working it was pretty much inevitable since I was dating someone that worked there. I hate working his nights because he is constantly fucking with my head and hurting me, I hate feeling like the bouncers or managers are thinking well we know how you got this job or laughing or sneering at me. I hate how his attitude towards me affects how I work or how I feel at the end of the day. And I hate that even though I’ve mostly kept to myself these past few weeks some of the fuck ups I made when I first fot there—getting so drunk I fell asleep on the sidewalk and had to get picked up by one of the bouncers and ask the manager to drive me back to my motel—people will not let it go. And even though I know that I could move on so much more easily and start over without all the bullshit from the other club running over if I quit and switched clubs, I don’t want to give him or anyone else that power to make me lose a job that I went through so much shit to get and is really fucking good most of the time.
I feel like this job is my life and there is nothing besides it—I worked at the gym more hours but they were NORMAL hours and so I felt like I had a life outside of it. I also had my family and my friends, neither if which I have anymore. Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is good and once I’m back in school next semester things will work out. Other times I feel like I’ve lost everything and have fucked up really fucking big somewhere along the way. I know I am pretty much building my life up from the ground but its hard for me to stop and look to see what I have accomplished most of the time. Three months ago I was sleeping on my friends couch with nothing but my car, now I have my own apartment. But it seems like so much shit is constantly coming up that I can never be settled. I don’t known if I just need time to sort it out or its never going to get there. But its not even the outside bullshit that really gets to me and makes me depressed, it’s the lack of relationships in my life. I’m realizing that I could make 20 grand and still go home depressed and come back to work the next night, because money is really not what has or ever will make me happy and this job is what I’m filling up my life with.
What I hate is not even when I leave work with $100 but how much I feel like I failed myself and everyone there. I hate leaving work and not having made the club any money or having anything to tip anyone. It’s embarrassing and I feel like everyone thinks I suck at my job. If I’m just not hustling then I know it pisses them off, but if I’m hustling my ass off and no one is buying then it’s just embarrassing. It’s a really fucking bizarre situation to be a stripper—we are what makes the club money and if we make them money then they love us and if we don’t then we’re just a failure. But they have no respect or see any value in us unless we make them money; if we’re crying because we don’t have rent or some customer was a grabby asshole they tell us to go in the dressing room so we don’t scare the customers. To the customers we’re the same thing, they want as much as they can get for as cheap as they can get but they don’t give a shit about us, any skinny blonde stripper will pretty much do. Its fun and its fucking stressful to go into work knowing you could walk out with an infinite amount of money or you could walk out with nothing.
The highs and lows are also what I cannot deal with. At the gym my job was completely separate from who I was or how I saw myself. At the club I am basically working a sales job but the product I am selling is myself and so I can’t separate myself from it. Sometimes my night is filled with guys telling me over and over again how perfect I am and spending tons of money and I leave thinking I’m perfect and the hottest girl in the world. Other nights I can’t sell a dance to save my life and leave wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
And within the club there is so much bullshit. I can’t work at my old club anymore after working at this new one… it’s so much easier to make money and the possibilities for making money are so much higher. And I can’t put up with the insanely ridiculous amount of drama that is there, the last night I worked I had a girl telling customers and the manager I had a disease. Drama is less at this club but its still there, and even though I tried really hard not get involved in it when I started working it was pretty much inevitable since I was dating someone that worked there. I hate working his nights because he is constantly fucking with my head and hurting me, I hate feeling like the bouncers or managers are thinking well we know how you got this job or laughing or sneering at me. I hate how his attitude towards me affects how I work or how I feel at the end of the day. And I hate that even though I’ve mostly kept to myself these past few weeks some of the fuck ups I made when I first fot there—getting so drunk I fell asleep on the sidewalk and had to get picked up by one of the bouncers and ask the manager to drive me back to my motel—people will not let it go. And even though I know that I could move on so much more easily and start over without all the bullshit from the other club running over if I quit and switched clubs, I don’t want to give him or anyone else that power to make me lose a job that I went through so much shit to get and is really fucking good most of the time.
I feel like this job is my life and there is nothing besides it—I worked at the gym more hours but they were NORMAL hours and so I felt like I had a life outside of it. I also had my family and my friends, neither if which I have anymore. Sometimes I feel like what I am doing is good and once I’m back in school next semester things will work out. Other times I feel like I’ve lost everything and have fucked up really fucking big somewhere along the way. I know I am pretty much building my life up from the ground but its hard for me to stop and look to see what I have accomplished most of the time. Three months ago I was sleeping on my friends couch with nothing but my car, now I have my own apartment. But it seems like so much shit is constantly coming up that I can never be settled. I don’t known if I just need time to sort it out or its never going to get there. But its not even the outside bullshit that really gets to me and makes me depressed, it’s the lack of relationships in my life. I’m realizing that I could make 20 grand and still go home depressed and come back to work the next night, because money is really not what has or ever will make me happy and this job is what I’m filling up my life with.
