Often I wonder what made me an addict. God? the devil? Myself? Kate who offered me my first taste? My not-so-innocent childhood? Or just a fucking combo of the above? Probably the last.
At school our whole group were addicts. But I went the farthest. Like Nikki Sixx says in the Heroin Diaries 'I look that bullet head on and don't bother dodging it'.
At 10 I was snorting speed weekly. Everyone else got high on it but all it did for me was make me concentrate. Unless I snorted double what they did. Which I did.
After that it progressed to cannabis products - the stronger the better - then the real party started when I met cocaine. I became cocky and would do stupid things and say what I felt like. Ecstasy and psychedelics enhanced everything. Plus I was drinking a lot of booze - not beer or even wine...tequila was my poison. I just wanted to forget I was alive - and often I did. Forget I was alive that is.
My moods changed. Mum and Dad said knowingly 'hormones'. My health went downhill. I spent a lot of time off school. But I liked that. Dad worked out in the studio out the back - he never saw the drug pushers coming to my gate. My parents even thought I was a virgin. Yet I was a coke whore.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I had low self esteem. The teachers called me 'lazy, stupid and hyperactive'. I was. I couldn't read properly or do maths problems. My mind wandered constantly and I would draw horses over everything.
I thought getting a horse would help let out my seemingly boundless energy and get over my obssession with horses. Besides I had ridden as a kid. So I saved up $50 and was given a broken down ex show jumper from a riding school. He'd been abused. His name was Minty. I didn't fit in at school (except with the other 'druggies') but I sure didn't fit in at pony club. You have to have a 'decent horse' to fit in at pony club. Minty was not 'decent'. He was spun out and stressed, always rearing and bucking and bolting. He was no show pony.
By then it no longer mattered. I was 15 years old and I'd discovered crystal meth by then. I just wanted to have fun on Minty, not 'fit in'. I loved his fits of temper and fear. They only aided my adrenalin.
P was different for me than other drugs. I did'nt do the others daily.
I had'nt planned to do P daily. It just happened.
I tried one line and felt pleasure I'd never felt before. A relaxation/rush. I realised all those other drugs I'd used before had just been mere affairs. Methamphetamine was true love.
After I came down from that line I immediately bought a pipe off my friend Adrienne. From that day on, at age 15, I smoked P every day for 5 years. Then I started using IV.
I hid it well at first. But how long can you hide what eventually became a 4 gram a day habit?
Now I sit here and I wonder: how did I become this? Deep down I know how I became this. I always was this. Turned out I have ADHD. That was my problem at school - yet I'm still in the habit of saying 'oh I'm just stupid, lazy and hyperactive'.
Who am I? I couldn't even tell you anymore.
At school our whole group were addicts. But I went the farthest. Like Nikki Sixx says in the Heroin Diaries 'I look that bullet head on and don't bother dodging it'.
At 10 I was snorting speed weekly. Everyone else got high on it but all it did for me was make me concentrate. Unless I snorted double what they did. Which I did.
After that it progressed to cannabis products - the stronger the better - then the real party started when I met cocaine. I became cocky and would do stupid things and say what I felt like. Ecstasy and psychedelics enhanced everything. Plus I was drinking a lot of booze - not beer or even wine...tequila was my poison. I just wanted to forget I was alive - and often I did. Forget I was alive that is.
My moods changed. Mum and Dad said knowingly 'hormones'. My health went downhill. I spent a lot of time off school. But I liked that. Dad worked out in the studio out the back - he never saw the drug pushers coming to my gate. My parents even thought I was a virgin. Yet I was a coke whore.
I had low self esteem. The teachers called me 'lazy, stupid and hyperactive'. I was. I couldn't read properly or do maths problems. My mind wandered constantly and I would draw horses over everything.
I thought getting a horse would help let out my seemingly boundless energy and get over my obssession with horses. Besides I had ridden as a kid. So I saved up $50 and was given a broken down ex show jumper from a riding school. He'd been abused. His name was Minty. I didn't fit in at school (except with the other 'druggies') but I sure didn't fit in at pony club. You have to have a 'decent horse' to fit in at pony club. Minty was not 'decent'. He was spun out and stressed, always rearing and bucking and bolting. He was no show pony.
By then it no longer mattered. I was 15 years old and I'd discovered crystal meth by then. I just wanted to have fun on Minty, not 'fit in'. I loved his fits of temper and fear. They only aided my adrenalin.
P was different for me than other drugs. I did'nt do the others daily.
I had'nt planned to do P daily. It just happened.
I tried one line and felt pleasure I'd never felt before. A relaxation/rush. I realised all those other drugs I'd used before had just been mere affairs. Methamphetamine was true love.
After I came down from that line I immediately bought a pipe off my friend Adrienne. From that day on, at age 15, I smoked P every day for 5 years. Then I started using IV.
I hid it well at first. But how long can you hide what eventually became a 4 gram a day habit?
Now I sit here and I wonder: how did I become this? Deep down I know how I became this. I always was this. Turned out I have ADHD. That was my problem at school - yet I'm still in the habit of saying 'oh I'm just stupid, lazy and hyperactive'.
Who am I? I couldn't even tell you anymore.
