It's been awhile since I posted anything in this journal. I couldn't keep my abstinence. I couldn't survive the withdrawal as I had expected after all. So, when the time came and I had to go to the university I got terribly high on my first day and it continued during following weeks...
I had enough of it. I decided to seek some help without losing one year. I couldn't bear it - say 2 weeks at the detox in the hospital with all types of junkies physically addicted one can imagine, then finally I would be put on a program... Great! But what about the rest of the academic year! Fucking ruined. And months of watching my ceiling...
Well, the only psychiatrist, that also is a chief of the detox in the hospital, didn't help me much at the clinic. He said there was no such a program I made up. The thing is I didn't mention any program... Well, he must have been listening to his thoughts while I was talking because he sure noticed when I told him I was on 100mg of morphine taken twice a day i.v.'ed or 20mg of levorphanol i.m.'ed as he took notes. But then he must have forgotten all I'd said or didn't know what levorphanol is thinking 'why this guy combines morphine with some weak shit?'... So he tells me all he can offer me is tramadol having heard me telling him about buprenorphine sublingual tablets (not Suboxone which is exclusive to programs, Polish tablets buprenorphine-only).
I got out of there with a prescription for 4g of tramadol for my 200mg morphine/20mg levorphanol addiction... I bought those 4g at chemist's... And as I remembered tramadol, it was the same. Terrible headache, nauseous as hell and no relief, no sign of opioid activity...
I left those tramadol capsules and got back to my habit. Luckily I got some buprenorphine that should either get me out of this or I will stay on it for a longer time. I can't get high off this, I can't get high off anything else while on it, I don't ruin my veins and muscles anymore. There is no way I can abuse it because all I feel from it is just relief from any withdrawal symptoms. This is better than methadone in this respect as I tried numerous times to get on a steady dose of methadone but failed and started to abuse it. With no effects at 8mg and the ceiling effect of buprenorphine I am safe now. Sure I could lay it off and wait for any signs it wore off and score. But I don't feel any urge to do so. And that's good. That's good.
I had enough of it. I decided to seek some help without losing one year. I couldn't bear it - say 2 weeks at the detox in the hospital with all types of junkies physically addicted one can imagine, then finally I would be put on a program... Great! But what about the rest of the academic year! Fucking ruined. And months of watching my ceiling...
Well, the only psychiatrist, that also is a chief of the detox in the hospital, didn't help me much at the clinic. He said there was no such a program I made up. The thing is I didn't mention any program... Well, he must have been listening to his thoughts while I was talking because he sure noticed when I told him I was on 100mg of morphine taken twice a day i.v.'ed or 20mg of levorphanol i.m.'ed as he took notes. But then he must have forgotten all I'd said or didn't know what levorphanol is thinking 'why this guy combines morphine with some weak shit?'... So he tells me all he can offer me is tramadol having heard me telling him about buprenorphine sublingual tablets (not Suboxone which is exclusive to programs, Polish tablets buprenorphine-only).
I got out of there with a prescription for 4g of tramadol for my 200mg morphine/20mg levorphanol addiction... I bought those 4g at chemist's... And as I remembered tramadol, it was the same. Terrible headache, nauseous as hell and no relief, no sign of opioid activity...
I left those tramadol capsules and got back to my habit. Luckily I got some buprenorphine that should either get me out of this or I will stay on it for a longer time. I can't get high off this, I can't get high off anything else while on it, I don't ruin my veins and muscles anymore. There is no way I can abuse it because all I feel from it is just relief from any withdrawal symptoms. This is better than methadone in this respect as I tried numerous times to get on a steady dose of methadone but failed and started to abuse it. With no effects at 8mg and the ceiling effect of buprenorphine I am safe now. Sure I could lay it off and wait for any signs it wore off and score. But I don't feel any urge to do so. And that's good. That's good.