There are some memories that are so difficult to forget, once forgotten they should not be awoken.
A conversation with my flat mate awoke a memory I have not been able to make peace with, something I have never been able to discuss with family, friends or my shrink. No one outside a circle of people that I and another from BL are aware of. I guess no one else but BL people could understand anyway.
I told Declan what my comprehension
Of what events occurred between Toddy and I was. How I dont know what it really was or what did happen to him. How it was the single most mentally damaging thing to happen to me so far. Ive been divorced, used like a bitch, beaten up, rolled, cheated on, assaulted, all bad things. But those things had a resolution of sorts. The disappearance of my trusted friend come lover did not have that closure.
I worked hard at getting better, getting it behind me and was at long last able to not think of him as a missing person until I actually told another human face to face about him and how confused and frightened I was. It all came back to haunt me.
So for 3 days now I have had no good sleep, no respite from the anxiety, no cessation for the need to know- where is he?
I wont ask Jody or Lara any more. I cant get any solid facts. Acceptance of the loss of a dream in such a fucked up way is the only thing I can do.
I hope this pain passes. But I doubt it will duds truly leave me. I am simply not able to truly forget what I never really understood.
A conversation with my flat mate awoke a memory I have not been able to make peace with, something I have never been able to discuss with family, friends or my shrink. No one outside a circle of people that I and another from BL are aware of. I guess no one else but BL people could understand anyway.
I told Declan what my comprehension
Of what events occurred between Toddy and I was. How I dont know what it really was or what did happen to him. How it was the single most mentally damaging thing to happen to me so far. Ive been divorced, used like a bitch, beaten up, rolled, cheated on, assaulted, all bad things. But those things had a resolution of sorts. The disappearance of my trusted friend come lover did not have that closure.
I worked hard at getting better, getting it behind me and was at long last able to not think of him as a missing person until I actually told another human face to face about him and how confused and frightened I was. It all came back to haunt me.
So for 3 days now I have had no good sleep, no respite from the anxiety, no cessation for the need to know- where is he?
I wont ask Jody or Lara any more. I cant get any solid facts. Acceptance of the loss of a dream in such a fucked up way is the only thing I can do.
I hope this pain passes. But I doubt it will duds truly leave me. I am simply not able to truly forget what I never really understood.
