Deadly sadness

Merry Xmas everyone. Below is a pic of me at the only place I feel welcome anymore and can connect. Linda drove to Walmart one night and I bought pants for $10, top for $7. My Xmas present to myself, plus the Santa hat from Linda to pose for the pic. I look like I had been dipped in black ink, but still had fun.

Connect stopped by last nite...and i snuck just a 2 little hits...it's really good....but feel the sadness & isolation now as if everyone hates me except my work mates and my using friends coz of wot Mom said...goin on bout how my normie friend Mike, aunt, uncle, her normie friends, & herself r so disappointed in me & had this happened b4 i got clean i wud of had a "fuck all of'em" attitude....but it's almost 9 mo since relapse...and that shit really, really hurts.

sigh. i'm crazy 4 talkn 2 no one on the other end of this pc, yet i have 2 tell someone even if they arent there...lol. ok now i'm officially 5150, a single tear running down my cheek, pain. I feel loss & intense emotional pain. To hear Mom, I'm a real heartless, mean asshole, and 4 what? Telling her I think $700 or $800/mo rent is way 2 high 4 a room with no closet, drawer space, no working vent for A/C & heat in a tiny ass box of a room? I'm a heartless asshole because I stay to myself now, don't come out and socialize? "I want to," I explained, "but then u always start in on me about money," I say. I've offered to leave 4 times now, but she know I had somewhere else to go...people that would have charged me $500/mo rent net and electric included. Mom always says, insists I have to keep paying her $200/mo and I can't pay her and someone else both.

A coworker gave me the number of a lady close by my work and the rent is very cheap, like $250-$300/mo. The real issue, is the fact Mom suspects I'm using speed because I stay to myself, plus I no longer look like a God awful lard ass fat freak. The funny thing is, when I was clean, I was unnattractive due to being so damn fat, as in 80 lbs overweight at a size 22. I'm now 166 lbs at a size 10, strangers tell me I'm pretty. Using friends and work mates say I'm once again easy on the eyes. I can move, walk around w/o it being a chore and having to sit down every few feet. True I have an addiction again. It's scary, especially with the finances, but I tried so fucking hard to lose it sober, get my energy back, racked up $600 in lab costs 2 find what was wrong. After a year, I finally turned to what I KNEW would offer relief, but it hurts me deeply every time Mom says what she does, says I'm a bad daughter for not paying $800 to her every month. If I had it, I'd give it to her, so in the mean time, the way the rest of the family looks at me, her friends, my normie friend Mike....

They don't have to say anything because their silence tells me how they feel and I'm really NOT such a bitch!! That's what hurts, but I've got no one to turn to anymore, really, unless I go to Linda's house. Not sure what to do. I can't just say, "Mom, look I need this much speed a week...," but even though she suspects I can never tell her. Not ever. I did tell her I'm on Rx painkillers, fiorinal #3's, which is true, but I know she suspects because the only time I've ever been attractive was with the help of sister Crystal....and Mr. Prick. The sadness is deadly, who do i turn to? but of course, Mr. Prick

12/13/2004

Seekers of Solace

By Tanya "TJ" T.

Tears streaming down a cold, numb face
Sadness not felt at what could have been
Echoes of the master's voice bouncing off the cave
A silent voice that caresses like a whisper
Against wetness on a numb face

Picking up the spoon, it's time to heed his call
Knowing not where this will lead
The soft voice is heard without speaking
This is another dead end

Broken promises never spoken
Sobs rising, souls chokin
Vampires of the night
Restless demons cry tears and blood

Sweet empty lullabies
Creatures of the waking dead
Seek solace in his cold embrace
Silently he bids, answer his call
Tears and broken promises like rotted lace fall

Off with the wind's shallow whim
Glistening dewdrops on cold concrete
Whisked away with the wind once again
Are seekers of solace from the master of grim

 

First of all, while I don't often reply to your posts, I know that I read them, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one. I know that you're not a jerk, and I think that you do to, but from the sounds of it your mom knows that your confidence isn't all that great, and that it is an easy way to keep you nearby. I don't know her, but I have a tough time imagining that she's being purely malicious. Manipulative, mean, and unpleasant sure. But underneath she may be trying to keep an eye on you in the hopes that you'll stay clean.

Or I could be completely wrong

By the way, you are an absolute stunner. You just need to find a way to stay slim and sober. It can be done, and judging from your pics I'm guessing that you probably have some advantageous genetics working for you in that department. It's just that your metabolism may be somewhat fucked over from speed use.

I don't know how much you know about exercise and nutrition, but there are a lot of good resources on BL, as well as the rest of the internets. bodybuilding.com has some excellent articles about staying fit and losing body fat without starving yourself-- although their forums aren't the best.

Cute santa hat BTW!

 

i still read you. every time. and i wait for your post. i also i´m going thru a bad time nd i´ve nothing done for a long, long time... keep strong. and happy xmas!

 

ps - dadly sadness... what a powerful image. in spain we said tristeza infinita... endless sadness... to much s for a sole sentence.