I know I dug my own hole but having no friends sucks shit. Oh get a hobby they say, go out and do something they say, how freaking fun is it to do if you have to do it alone? I feel so retarded going to see a movie alone. Can't exactly play paintball alone now huh? Skydiving, well can do alone but wtf? why?! can't play sports alone obviously and watching them alone is like sitting on the internet all day, fun for the first few hrs but then wtf? . Wtf have i been doing with my life? nothing, just sitting here day in and day out waiting for something to happen. How fucking lame is that? I used to be the get up and just go and do something kind of person. Used to be that is when i had friends, now my only friends are my BFF who lives 3hrs away in another city that i cant travel to and a man i bore a child for. Bah, I'm being pathetic even bitching about this but wtf....its true. I had the chance to make new friends, and what did i do a first chance.....fuck the first one up by being a loser. Yeah I am so cool and awesome, more like pathetic fool who believes just about anything yet is skeptical of all.
On another note, first appearance date is set for February 22nd, 2010 at 10:30am. I expect shit, a fan, and a bunch of people....get the hint? yeah. I expect it to be long and drawn out over at least 3 months if I'm lucky, a year if he wants to really drag it out....plus the court back up...who knows. Maybe I will get lucky and he will have a lawyer and our lawyers can talk and work out a settlement for visitation order and this and that of the case. Then again S isn't one for letting anyone win over him. If he thinks I am trying to "steal" his daughter away from him, he will draw it out and air out all the dirty laundry. Funny thing is, he has more dirty laundry than I that can be aired out. Only thing that is really working against me is that he's had her for 8yrs (not of my own fault) and I have a mood disorder and on medications that sedate me (well they claim to but really dont) and my son's father is on heavy duty narcotics that could kill a 10 tonne horse, austin is seing a therapist as it is for his behaviour, we're on disability, we don't always have a full fridge or cubbords but enough to survive on and feed us what we need. We don;t always have money, or a means of transportation.
Though things that DO work for us is that we are taking a parenting course come feb 17th, there is like 5 schools in the area, I am known to volunteer in the community, I am looking to improve my life for my kids and family, I am willing to move into a 3bdrm AND can afford to.
Her dad lives in a 2bdrm with his brother, himself and my daughter. He leaves her in the care of a known alcoholic while he goes to have sex/ women or work, he never buys her anything she needs but relies on his drunk mommy and his gf that he slaps around. She's doing poorly in school, in a school she's not even supposed to be going to because she lives out of district.
My son will be going to a school 5min from her dad's house for early french immersion, we live 10 minute drive from each other but yet he never thinks that OUR kid should spend more time with her mother than JUST his side of the family. I am willing to bend and budge and almost break and all that recorded. While he sits back and does nothing to HELP his daughters life..... but apparently McDonalds or Wendy's or Licks or Candy and a couple hours a week makes him the "better" parent according to him.
Yeah I sound sour, he's a fucking idiot that is causing drama when there was never a need, could have settled this long time ago so easily....but nooooo.
Really I fucking hate him.
This and I miss my friends, all of them that I fucked up, all of them that I never tried to fix. Well I have a chance to fix a couple of them now, and I am not going to pass up the chance when opportunity knocks.
Well that and if they cant take me for who i am now, then fuck it, but it dont mean it wont hurt and that i dont care. Why the fuck would you START a friendship with a person with kids if you dislike kids? Really? Are you fooling yourself or me? Bah, whatever, things will work out if they are meant to be worked out. If not I will be back boo-hoo'ing about how i suck ass.
Well i am off to find a movie to watch until my money comes in and I can caffine out with junk food and pizza and feta cheese Mmmm.
I really do miss the walks though tbh. Beautiful nights, nice company, good conversation, nice night over all.
Now I got nothing to do, no one to do them with, and a hellva lot of stress to "deal with" for the next 12-24 months.
Add on something else....but that secret will have to wait for another blog when i am 100% sure.
On another note, first appearance date is set for February 22nd, 2010 at 10:30am. I expect shit, a fan, and a bunch of people....get the hint? yeah. I expect it to be long and drawn out over at least 3 months if I'm lucky, a year if he wants to really drag it out....plus the court back up...who knows. Maybe I will get lucky and he will have a lawyer and our lawyers can talk and work out a settlement for visitation order and this and that of the case. Then again S isn't one for letting anyone win over him. If he thinks I am trying to "steal" his daughter away from him, he will draw it out and air out all the dirty laundry. Funny thing is, he has more dirty laundry than I that can be aired out. Only thing that is really working against me is that he's had her for 8yrs (not of my own fault) and I have a mood disorder and on medications that sedate me (well they claim to but really dont) and my son's father is on heavy duty narcotics that could kill a 10 tonne horse, austin is seing a therapist as it is for his behaviour, we're on disability, we don't always have a full fridge or cubbords but enough to survive on and feed us what we need. We don;t always have money, or a means of transportation.
Though things that DO work for us is that we are taking a parenting course come feb 17th, there is like 5 schools in the area, I am known to volunteer in the community, I am looking to improve my life for my kids and family, I am willing to move into a 3bdrm AND can afford to.
Her dad lives in a 2bdrm with his brother, himself and my daughter. He leaves her in the care of a known alcoholic while he goes to have sex/ women or work, he never buys her anything she needs but relies on his drunk mommy and his gf that he slaps around. She's doing poorly in school, in a school she's not even supposed to be going to because she lives out of district.
My son will be going to a school 5min from her dad's house for early french immersion, we live 10 minute drive from each other but yet he never thinks that OUR kid should spend more time with her mother than JUST his side of the family. I am willing to bend and budge and almost break and all that recorded. While he sits back and does nothing to HELP his daughters life..... but apparently McDonalds or Wendy's or Licks or Candy and a couple hours a week makes him the "better" parent according to him.
Yeah I sound sour, he's a fucking idiot that is causing drama when there was never a need, could have settled this long time ago so easily....but nooooo.
Really I fucking hate him.
This and I miss my friends, all of them that I fucked up, all of them that I never tried to fix. Well I have a chance to fix a couple of them now, and I am not going to pass up the chance when opportunity knocks.
Well that and if they cant take me for who i am now, then fuck it, but it dont mean it wont hurt and that i dont care. Why the fuck would you START a friendship with a person with kids if you dislike kids? Really? Are you fooling yourself or me? Bah, whatever, things will work out if they are meant to be worked out. If not I will be back boo-hoo'ing about how i suck ass.
Well i am off to find a movie to watch until my money comes in and I can caffine out with junk food and pizza and feta cheese Mmmm.
I really do miss the walks though tbh. Beautiful nights, nice company, good conversation, nice night over all.
Now I got nothing to do, no one to do them with, and a hellva lot of stress to "deal with" for the next 12-24 months.
Add on something else....but that secret will have to wait for another blog when i am 100% sure.