manifesting - readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent; plain
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
02/22/10 1:19 PM
Do I compare the way I am now to the way I was in my addiction? Are you asking if I should have known better when I acted in a manner that is typical of behavior of me in my active addiction when I am trying to change these behaviors? This is how I am understanding this question and I will answer accordingly. It will require some thought so, once again, I’ll need to come back to this later...
02/23/10 10:42 AM
I’m sitting here trying to see if I have been comparing my ‘before and after’. Nothing has been immediately evident. So I look closer and its staring me in the face. My apartment is rather cluttered and disorganized. Keep in mind, it isn’t nearly (not even close) at the level of disgusting filth I had allowed my previous dwellings to degrade to (dog shit and piss on the carpet, beer bottles strewn about, paper towels all over, trash strewn all over the kitchen floor in bags, hundreds of used, uncapped syringes on the bathroom sink [which I would often re-use without disinfecting])
My apartment right now simply has piles of laundry on the floor, clothes waiting to be put away, a few empty cigarette packs on my night table, dog hair on the carpet (I JUST vacuumed but Shaman is shedding fiercely now), paperwork lying about waiting to be filed and some dusty table tops.
My place isn’t dirty but it is disorganized and cluttered. To me this is a sign of my life being unmanageable. I’m okay with it though because I DO pick away at stuff in intermittent bursts of cleaning and I DO see progress and some sort of commitment to maintaining a clean, organized apartment. I see movement in a positive, productive manner.
When I was getting high, the simplest things were impossible to do. Walking the dog, taking the trash out and eating were chores that delayed me from sticking a spike in my arm for the next rush. I couldn’t bring myself to take the dog out when I had a couple bags of powder and syringes sitting on the table. A fifteen minute walk was too long to be away from my bags.
Its not like that nowadays. Shaman and I enjoy our daily walks. I enjoy not having to rush home to quickly mix a solution and draw it up into a rig. I no longer need to desperately find a good, easy vein to hit.
Yeah, I’m doing alright now in spite of a few pieces of laundry on the floor. Dirty clothes ain’t shit compared to the complete package of disarray and desperation of how I was living only six months ago.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?
02/22/10 1:19 PM
Do I compare the way I am now to the way I was in my addiction? Are you asking if I should have known better when I acted in a manner that is typical of behavior of me in my active addiction when I am trying to change these behaviors? This is how I am understanding this question and I will answer accordingly. It will require some thought so, once again, I’ll need to come back to this later...
02/23/10 10:42 AM
I’m sitting here trying to see if I have been comparing my ‘before and after’. Nothing has been immediately evident. So I look closer and its staring me in the face. My apartment is rather cluttered and disorganized. Keep in mind, it isn’t nearly (not even close) at the level of disgusting filth I had allowed my previous dwellings to degrade to (dog shit and piss on the carpet, beer bottles strewn about, paper towels all over, trash strewn all over the kitchen floor in bags, hundreds of used, uncapped syringes on the bathroom sink [which I would often re-use without disinfecting])
My apartment right now simply has piles of laundry on the floor, clothes waiting to be put away, a few empty cigarette packs on my night table, dog hair on the carpet (I JUST vacuumed but Shaman is shedding fiercely now), paperwork lying about waiting to be filed and some dusty table tops.
My place isn’t dirty but it is disorganized and cluttered. To me this is a sign of my life being unmanageable. I’m okay with it though because I DO pick away at stuff in intermittent bursts of cleaning and I DO see progress and some sort of commitment to maintaining a clean, organized apartment. I see movement in a positive, productive manner.
When I was getting high, the simplest things were impossible to do. Walking the dog, taking the trash out and eating were chores that delayed me from sticking a spike in my arm for the next rush. I couldn’t bring myself to take the dog out when I had a couple bags of powder and syringes sitting on the table. A fifteen minute walk was too long to be away from my bags.
Its not like that nowadays. Shaman and I enjoy our daily walks. I enjoy not having to rush home to quickly mix a solution and draw it up into a rig. I no longer need to desperately find a good, easy vein to hit.
Yeah, I’m doing alright now in spite of a few pieces of laundry on the floor. Dirty clothes ain’t shit compared to the complete package of disarray and desperation of how I was living only six months ago.